An empty television studio. A lit white backdrop is surrounded on three sides by abandoned cameras, microphones, cables, etc. Hydrogen Guy walks casually in from stage left.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello! I'm Hydrogen Guy, and I'd like to welcome you to my GIANT Tenth Anniversary Special. Wow, can you believe it's been ten episodes already? It seems like only yesterday that -

Deuterium Boy rushes in from stage right, waving his arms frantically.

Deuterium Boy
Hold it! Hang on a second!

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy, I'm a little -

Deuterium Boy
"Tenth Anniversary Special"? It's been ten episodes, not ten years!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but "Tenth Episode Special" just sounds lame.

Deuterium Boy
Gee, I wonder why? HG, we can't have a "Special" yet!

Hydrogen Guy
Why not? This *is* our tenth episode.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, but we've only had three stories! We've had hardly any room to develop the characters or back story, and half the recurring characters haven't even been introduced yet!

Hydrogen Guy
Um... yeah... but it's our tenth episode...

Deuterium Boy
So what exactly were you planning on doing for this "Tenth Anniversary Special"?

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, DB, as lame as our excuse may be, we've got a lot of great stuff lined up!

Deuterium Boy
Stop saying "we".

Hydrogen Guy
We have a "Behind the Scenes" look at "The Files of Hydrogen Guy". We've got "Stuff You Missed" - some never-before-seen-footage from the cutting room floor! Plus, Doug answers reader's questions!

Deuterium Boy
Doug the Rubber Skeleton, who channels the spirit of an alien Zen master and astrophysicist?

Hydrogen Guy
Do we know any other Dougs? Plus, we have an interview with the author, Deuterium Boy talks to a famous fan, and we announce the winner of the first ever Big Fat Hydrogen Guy Contest, "Spot the Tyops and Win"!

Deuterium Boy
So basically it's just a bunch of silly sketches linked together without any sort of narrative?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, basically.

Deuterium Boy
Well all right, just as long as it's funny.

Hydrogen Guy
As usual you're asking too much.

Deuterium Boy
All right... I'll go along with it *this* time, as long as you promise not to do this every ten episodes.

Hydrogen Guy
May weasels maul my genitals if I do.

Deuterium Boy
So what have you got first?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, the response so far to "The Files of Hydrogen Guy" has been absolutely overwhelming. Sometimes we get as many as two or three emails a month! A lot of these emails contain questions, and so tonight, our guru-in-residence Doug tackles a few of those questions...

Doug has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why did Jim Evans take his pants off at the restaurant? 
> Wouldn't he notice on the way home that he wasn't wearing 
> pants?
>		-- DA in Islington

And in response, thus spake Doug:

} Three monks came to the master Kino, and were asking him 
} what kind of pants had the better nature: "Jeans? Slacks? 
} Corduroy? What kind of jeans? Straight cut, loose fit, boot 
} cut?" Kino took the pants and wore them on his head. The 
} monks were enlightened.
}
} Commentary:
} I'm not wearing any pants now as I'm writing this 
} commentary. It's pretty drafty in the computer lab.
}
} Poem:
} Pants or not-pants
} Spring brings the sparrow regardless
} Preserve your own pants-nature

A sparsely furnished bachelor suite in Ottawa, Ontario. Hydrogen Guy is sitting in an office chair on the right, and his guest is reclining in a canvas beach chair on the left. They are sitting in front of a closet door with a newsprint movie schedule taped to it.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, if the Hydrogen Cave had a real-life counterpart, this would be it - the apartment of Jim Evans, my first guest. Hello, Jim.

JIM
Hi, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
So congratulations on reaching the tenth episode.

JIM
Don't congratulate me until I've finished writing the damned thing.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay.

JIM
It feels a little strange being interviewed by a fictionalized version of myself...

Hydrogen Guy
That's where the magic of fiction comes in... I guess the question on everyone's mind is, how did you come up with Hydrogen Guy?

JIM
Isn't that in the FAQ?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh, no.

JIM
Oh. Well, in that case, it's an interesting story.

Hydrogen Guy
I should hope so.

JIM
It started way back when I was in grade 12 - I think this would be about April of 1992. I was sitting around the house doing nothing in particular - one of my favourite hobbies, actually - when the phone rang. It was my friend Laura Roald...

Cut to a younger, spottier and more heavily spectacled Jim sitting in a Lay-Z-Boy. The phone on the coffee table immediately beside him rings. He picks it up.

Younger, Spottier Jim
Hello, Jim Evans speaking.

The screen splits in half. Laura, a red-hair girl, is sitting on her floor surrounded by containers of glue and sparkle, scissors, a chemistry textbook, and a black T-shirt.

Laura
What's your favourite element?

Y.S. Jim
[displaying his customary quick wit] Uh.. what's my favourite element?

Laura
Yes.

Y.S. Jim
Um.. [thinks for a moment] Hydrogen, I guess.

Laura
Why?

Y.S. Jim
Why? [he's on a roll, folks] Well... it's the simplest I guess. Just an electron and a proton.

Laura
What's its symbol?

Y.S. Jim
H. Why do want to know?

Laura
Just wondering.

Y.S. Jim
Hm. Well, you know, mercury is cool too...

Cut back to the modern day JIM and Hydrogen Guy in JIM's apartment.

Hydrogen Guy
[vaguely disturbed] You mean I could have been - Mercury Guy?

JIM
[ignoring him] So for my birthday a few months later, Laura gave me this T-shirt that she had made, covered with coloured glue and sparkles and stuff, with a big "HG" on the front, and "Hydrogen Guy" and various other silly phrases written on the back, all in this neon squiggly writing.

Hydrogen Guy
A ha! So this Laura person is the one who created me?

JIM
Inspired you, anyway. Laura has that affect on people. So, about a month later, Laura buggered off to school at the University of Ottawa, which in those days was a terribly long way away, and I went into first year at SFU. One day at school I was writing her a letter, and I included in it a brief little hand-written story about Hydrogen Guy, with our mutual friend Dave as Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
And a legend is born! What was this story about?

JIM
It was called "The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle", and was basically a crude version of the final scene of Episode 1.

Hydrogen Guy
So "The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle" has been around for almost eight years?

JIM
That's right. "The Vector of Doom" is almost as old. They've been rewritten quite a bit. They also includes bits and pieces from other stories I started but never finished.

Hydrogen Guy
They also had parts which were cut, too, which we're dragging out as unseen material later in the Special.

JIM
Yeah, I have absolutely no shame... Here's a bit of trivia for you: that climactic fight scene at the end of FFF, in episode 4? The original version was written by David Marcolin.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy!

JIM
Bingo.

Hydrogen Guy
You don't mind if we answer another reader's question now, do you?

JIM
Go right ahead, it'll be funnier than this anyway.

Doug has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who would win in a tag-team match between Hydrogen Guy and 
> Deuterium Boy and Batman and Robin?
>		-- DP in Houston

And in response, thus spake Doug:

} Two monks on the road to Hawtch-Hawtch stopped by a grove 
} of quaking bluewoods. A bandit leapt from the grove of 
} trees and demanded their purses. The first monk said, "I 
} have no purse, I have only wisdom." The second monk said, 
} "I have no purse, I have only justice." The bandit left 
} them in peace.
}
} Commentary:
} Is the monk with wisdom stronger than the monk with justice?
} Or is justice stronger? What exactly did they expect to do in
} Hawtch-Hawtch without any money? Hawtch-Hawtch is an expensive town.
}
} Poem:
} The state of the second monk is good
} The state of the first is bad
} Tell me, who has the Batman nature?

JIM
My mistake, that was just very odd.

Hydrogen Guy
We're back with Jim Evans, creator of Hydrogen Guy. What is the state of the art at "The Files of Hydrogen Guy", now, in the year 2000?

JIM
Well, why don't we take a first hand look?

He gets up (not an easy task in that beach chair) and goes to open the closet door.

Hydrogen Guy
[getting up] The state of the art is in the closet?

JIM
The magic of fiction, remember?

He opens the door and they walk through. They are now in what looks like an office area, with rows of cubicles. In each cubicle is a wretched-looking writer, with long scraggly hair and tattered clothes, chained to a computer.

JIM
This is the "Files of Hydrogen Guy" office. Here you can see our crack writing staff hard at work churning out several new episodes.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

A huge, muscled man in a black hood and carrying a whip comes round, peering into each of the cubicles.

JIM
Here's one of our editors - Lionel, who's also in charge of continuity.

Writer #1
AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Lionel
GET TO WORK, SCUM!

Hydrogen Guy
Egad...

JIM
Lionel's a terrific motivater...

Lionel
You! Wilson!

Writer #2
Y-Yes, sir?

Lionel
That script for episode 33 - I read it. It was funny.

Writer #2
Oh! Oh, thank you sir! Please, Mr. Lionel, may I go to the bathroom now?

Lionel
I WASN'T FINISHED, MAGGOT!

Writer #2
Eep!

Lionel
On page six, Hydrogen Guy says he's only been to Toronto twice.

Writer #2
Um, right... in episodes 22 and 31?

Lionel
But in episode 22 he CLEARLY says he's been to Toronto several times to VISIT HIS SISTER! It's in the Writer's Guide, MAGGOT!

Writer #2
Eeeep! I, oh, I'm sorry sir! It won't happen again, I just forgot!

Lionel
YOU FORGOT?! YOU FORGOT?! You can bet this won't happen again, Wilson!! IT'S THE IRON MAIDEN FOR YOU!!!

He grabs the writer by the scruff of the neck, yanks him out of the cubicle, and drags the screaming and struggling writer away.

Hydrogen Guy
That's a little harsh, isn't it?

JIM
You have to be really careful about these things. You let your guard down, and the next thing you know you're as bad as DC. Ah, Rob...

JIM stops a middle-aged man by from stage right, carrying a stack of papers and a coffee mug walking.

JIM
This is our director and editor-in-chief, Rob Smith.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Rob.

Rob
Hi, Hydrogen Guy.

JIM
Rob, maybe you can take HG and the readers on a behind-the-scenes tour of the Making of The Files of Hydrogen Guy.

Rob
Sure, JIM. Well, the journey from half-baked idea to overdone production is a long one that involves a lot of hard work, by a lot of fictional people like us, living in JIM's head...

First, there's a story meeting - once a week we feed and bathe our senior writers, then bring them together with the cast and editorial staff to pitch story ideas.

Rob
All right team - episode 34. Ideas?

Writer #3
Okay - "Vixens From Mars". An ancient underground race of large breasted Martian women come to Earth to steal Deuterium Boy's penis -

Rob
I don't think so.

Writer #4
How about this - Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are trapped in the sewers of Maple Ridge and discover a civilization of giant rats -

Jim Evans
We can't afford giant rats. Our creature budget's maxed till April.

Rob
They're doing it in "Danger Girl" in two months anyway. What else?

Writer #5
A superhero game show! "Who Wants to Be a Super Hero?" Only the host is a homicidal maniac!

Rob
I hate game shows. The public's tired of them, they're not funny.

Writer #3
What about - "Sirens from Venus". A mysterious cloud-dwelling race of large breasted Venusian women come to Earth to steal Deuterium Boy's testicles -

David Marcolin
No! What's this fascination you have with my genitals, anyway?

Writer #4
Penguins, something with penguins... Mutant penguins! Android penguins! Samurai penguins!

Jim Evans
I can't work with penguins, I'm allergic to herring.

Writer #4
Couldn't we get some vegetarian penguins?

David Marcolin
Vegetarian mutant android samurai penguins?

Writer #5
Yes! "Vee-MASP's"! They want to destroy the world's fishing fleets!

Rob
Clean it off and maybe you'll have something. Anyone else?

Writer #3
Try this - "Vamps from Atlantis". A bizarre sub-aquatic race of large breasted Atlantean women come to the surface world to collect Deuterium Boy's sperm -

Jim Evans
Do you even work here?

Writer #5
Okay, this is good. "Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy Go to Hell".

Rob
Why do they go to Hell?

Writer #5
Do we need a reason?

Rob
I like it. Let's do it.

Writer #3
How about "Bad Girls from Uranus"?

Next comes the hardest step: writing the script. It's a team effort, so once an outline is prepared in the script meeting, each writer is given a certain number of scenes to complete. To keep the story working as a coherent whole, there's a lot of consultation between the writers... [Cut to the writers' cubicles]

Writer #4
Hey Todd, you read today's "Dilbert"?

Writer #5
Yeah. I'm stealing the joke for scene 7. Hey, what's a word meaning "warlike in manner or temperament", nine letters?

To maintain the level of quality our public expects, our standards of writing are strict - as are our deadlines. [Cut to the cubicles. Lionel is brandishing a 2x4 filled with rusty nails, and looming over Writer #5.]

Lionel
Five minutes. Make it funny.

Writer #4
I'M WRITING! I'M WRITING!

The first draft goes through the editorial process, and the script is invariably sent back for changes.

Cut to the cubicles. Writer #5 is busy writing. Lionel approaches with a copy of the script and a can of gasoline. As Writer #5 watches, Lionel takes the writer's wastebasket, empties it out over his desk, tosses the script in the basket and douses it with gasoline. Lionel puts down the gas can, strikes a match, and sets the script on fire. He puts down the wastebasket, grabs the writer, and drags him out of the cubicle and down the hall.

Sometimes it is necessary to assign new writers to the script.

After this process has been repeated a couple times, the script is ready to go into production. There are a lot of different aspects to this, including designing and building any new props or effects. This is done under the direction of our resident technical wizard, Quinton Thomas.

Cut to the FX shop.

Quinton
Ah, Evans, Marcolin.

Jim Evans
Hello, Quinton. What've you got for us today?

Quinton
I've been working on the props for this Hell episode, gentlemen. Watch carefully, now.

He picks up what appears to be a stylized pitchfork.

Marcolin
That looks like a pitchfork.

Quinton
Very good, David. This is part of your underworld weaponry. Each of the tines contains a miniature flame-thrower. Give the handle a quarter twist...

He points the pitchfork at a nearby devil-shaped dummy. He twists the handles, and bright orange jets of flame shoot out nearly six feet from each point, enveloping the dummy in its own personal inferno.

Marcolin
Oh, my...

Quinton
Be very careful, it gets quite hot with repeated use. Now for you, James, we have the following...

Once all the technical problems solved, we start getting it down on tape. Not to say that we always get it right on the first take...

Narrator
Matthias swings across the Brimstone Canyon, then passes the rope back to Hydrogen Guy. He -

Hydrogen Guy
OW! Jeez!

Voice of Rob
*click* What happened? *click*

Hydrogen Guy
He hit me in the eye with the rope!

Matthias
Sorry!

*BLIP*

Hydrogen Guy
Give us the potion, Lucifer!

Lucifer
Ah, but you seem to forget one thing, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
You mean, other than my next line?

Lucifer
[laughing] Precisely.

Deuterium Boy
JIM!

Hydrogen Guy
Ha ha ha! Sorry! Sorry...

Deuterium Boy
Ha ha!

*BLIP*

Narrator
Matthias swings across the Brimstone Canyon, then passes the -

Matthias
AAAaah! *THUD*

Voice of Rob
*click* Now what? *click*

Deuterium Boy
The rope came loose and he fell in the "Canyon".

[Matthias stands up in the clearly-not-canyonous Canyon.]

Matthias
My butt hurts!

Voice of Rob
*click* Can we get a tech up there? *click*

Hydrogen Guy
Serves you right, bastard, for hitting me in the eye...

*BLIP*

Lucifer
Fools! You let the mortals escape!

[Deuterium Boy tries to cut across the shot in the back ground without attracting attention]

Lucifer
No wait, on second thought they're still here.

Deuterium Boy
[offstage] Sorry, I left my pitchfork...

[Various demons fall about in laughter]

Back to the "Files of Hydrogen Guy" office with Hydrogen Guy and Rob.

Rob
But finally we get it all pulled together, and another great "Hydrogen Guy" episode goes out over the web.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, thanks, Rob. That was a great tour.

Voice from Offstage
Oh, Rob!

A weasely little man in white robes walks in from stage right.

Rob
Oh, it's Zadoc from the temple across the street. Hi, Zadoc. What can I do for you?

Zadoc
Rob, one of our monkeys is out sick today and we've got an empty keyboard. Can we borrow a writer?

Rob
Sure, help yourself. Take Allen over there.

Zadoc
Thanks. [walking off stage left] You! His Omniscience needs a keyboard-banger! Five bananas a day plus benefits...

Hydrogen Guy
That's very neighbourly of you.

Rob
You really want to stay on those guys' good side. Plus they lent us a couple cavemen for episode 30.

JIM
That was just really gratuitous.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, it's a Special, we need a couple special guest cameos... And for more on that theme, here's Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy is sitting with Graham Chapman in a talk-show-style studio. Deuterium Boy is on the right and has a pile of notes in his lap. Graham Chapman is holding his pipe and looking very much like himself.

Deuterium Boy
I'm very happy to have with me now Monty Python's Graham Chapman.

Graham Chapman
The late Graham Chapman, actually. I'm quite happily dead.

Deuterium Boy
What's it like being dead?

Graham Chapman
Well, it slows you down a lot. It's quite peaceful, really.

Deuterium Boy
But despite being dead, you're still a fan of "The Files of Hydrogen Guy"?

Graham Chapman
Sorry, a fan of what?

Deuterium Boy
"The Files of Hydrogen Guy"? I was told you had read the episodes and enjoyed them.

Graham Chapman
Well I haven't read anything lately, have I? I've been dead for pretty close to a decade...

Deuterium Boy
Right. Okay. Well --

Somebody from offstage passes a binder to Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy
Here's a couple episodes. Have a look.

He passes them to Chapman. Chapman opens the binder and skims an few pages, then closes it.

Graham Chapman
Well, I wouldn't say it's appalling, but it certainly seems to be on the appalling-side of mediocrity.

Deuterium Boy
Any other words of advice?

Graham Chapman
Lemon curry?

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, Graham.

Graham Chapman
Beats death, anyway.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are sitting in a "Masterpiece Theatre"-type study. They are each wearing crushed-velvet dressing gowns over their regular costumes (minus the capes), and sitting in overstuffed armchairs. A fire is roaring in the fireplace behind them. A half-full glass of sherry sits on the end-table to Hydrogen Guy's right, and Deuterium Boy is apparently smoking a pipe.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello. And welcome to "Stuff You Missed", where we drag out material from the cutting room floor.

Deuterium Boy
Indubitably.

Hydrogen Guy
And in this segment we have an extra-special treat for you - some never-before-seen material cut from "The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle"!

Deuterium Boy
As you said earlier, Jim, that episode has undergone some changes in the last eight years.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. Our regular readers may remember that scene from episode 3 where we're walking down the street in Ottawa and stop in front of a shop windows with some televisions in it, showing a CBC News report about a collapsed bridge in India.

Deuterium Boy
Ah yes, I remember that scene.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, would you believe that in the original version, what they were watching was something entirely different - something which segued into a musical number about Ross Perot!

Deuterium Boy
No!

Hydrogen Guy
Yes! Sung to the tune of "Jesus Christ, Superstar", no less! See, it was first written during that Bush/Clinton presidential race when the Big Eared One first burst onto the scene like the mutant troll doll he is.

Deuterium Boy
And ironically enough, here we are in another presidential race, with another Bush.

Hydrogen Guy
It's kismet, isn't it? Anyway, when we rewrote FFF for the web, that scene got cut as we purged some of the dated material. But hey! Anything for a laugh tonight!

Deuterium Boy
Presenting... the long lost "Ross Perot Song".

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe we could rewrite it about Trump or Steve Forbes...

[Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy] have been walking past a home electronics shop. In the window are several televisions showing the latest U.S. Presidential debate. They stop and watch the three candidates silently harangue each other, joining a small crowd of other window shoppers.

Deuterium Boy
So who're you rooting for this time, HG? Republican? Democrat?

Hydrogen Guy
Comme-çi, comme-ça, DB. Que sera sera.

Deuterium Boy
What escapes me though, HG, is Ross Perot.

Hydrogen Guy
He's an enigma, all right. It's almost as if...

He trails off into silence.

Deuterium Boy
What is it, Hydrogen Guy?

Hydrogen Guy
Just a thought...

Music begins - an orchestra with strings. The crowd begins to sing in chorus...

Chorus
Ross Perot... Ross Perot...

The music turns ever-so-slightly disco.

Hydrogen Guy[singing]
Every time I see the news, I don't understand
Why you'd be the one to clean up Ron Reagan's plan
The West's passé, it's out of fashion, yesterday's news
Yet here you are on CNN expressing your views
A billion bucks could take where no Trump's gone before
Instead you want the White House and it's cold marble floor
Don't you get me wrong

Chorus
Don't you get me wrong!

All
Ross Perot, Ross Perot! Who are you? Why do we want to know?
Ross Perot, Ross Perot! Who are you? Why do we want to know?
Ross Perot, Superstar! Knight in a white Iaccocca car!
Ross Perot, Superstar! Knight in a white Iaccocca car!

There is a great deal of dancing around.

Hydrogen Guy
When I see James Stockwell, I get so darned confused
He's bad as Quayle, he's practically a ticket to lose

Deuterium Boy
Hey Ross, what's the plan for when the campaign is over?
Gonna throw an all-night bash for both of your voters?
Will you sit around on all your billions forever?
Or star in some new musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Don't get me wrong

Chorus
Don't you get me wrong!

All
Ross Perot, Ross Perot! Who are you? Why do we want to know?
Ross Perot, Ross Perot! Who are you? Why do we want to know?
Ross Perot, President! Might start a third part precedent
Ross Perot, President! Might start a third part precedent!

More dancing, and a guitar solo.

Hydrogen Guy
So Ross, what's the next plan? What's the latest new thing?
Be a talk show sidekick for your friend Larry King
Don't give up on '96, there's always a chance
Or go on tour with Michael Jackson, learn how to dance
Or maybe be the new Andretti, try racing cars
In the year 2000 maybe we'll see Ross Perot on Mars!

All
Ross Perot! Ross Perot! Who are you? Where do your billions go?
Ross Perot! Ross Perot! Who are you? Where do your billions go?
Ross Perot, Superstar! Knight in a white Iaccocca car!
Ross Perot, Superstar! Knight in a white Iaccocca car!
Ross Perot, Ross Perot...

The music gradually fades out, as does the singing. The crowd has dispersed, and Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are left watching a commercial for "Chia Ross Perot".

Deuterium Boy[speaking]
Wow... it staggers the mind.

Hydrogen Guy
Sure does... right then! Come on, Deuterium Boy, we'd better start searching those fast-food joints!

Back to Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy in the study. Deuterium Boy is blowing bubbles with his pipe.

Hydrogen Guy
[singing under his breath] Donald Trump, Donald Trump, who are you, why are you such a chump... [looks up] Oh, hi! Well, that was something, wasn't it DB?

Deuterium Boy
"Something" is just the right word for it, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, the presidential race this year is definitely missing good old Ross Perot. Whatever happened to him?

Deuterium Boy
Maybe he did go to Mars.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll be back later with more... Stuff You Missed!

Doug has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Okay, so it's been nine episodes, and only ONE female
> character. And she didn't even do very much. Before that 
> there were six episodes with NO WOMEN AT ALL. Not even 
> alien women. What kind of "boy's club" are you running 
> here, mister?
>			-- GS in Boston

And in response, thus spake Doug:

} When the master Kino was a student, he came to master
} Refjam at dinner and said, "It has been three days I have 
} had the kripak seed soup, and I have not yet found a kripak 
} seed. How can you call this kripak seed soup?" Refjam 
} raised his finger and said, "Girls have cooties." And Kino 
} was enlightened.
}
} Commentary:
} Was Kino the student, or the master? Was Refjam the master, 
} or the student? I hate it when the kripak seeds get stuck 
} in my teeth.
}
} Poem:
} Does the soup have seeds?
} Answer wisely, lest you forfeit
} Your own cootie-nature

Hey Kids!

Want to be part of a really cool club?

Kids
YEAH!

Join the Hydrogen Guy Fan Club today! Get your friends to join too!

You'll get this NIFTY Membership Card, with your name, picture, and your VERY OWN Secret Code Word!

Girl #1
Mine is "Onomatopoeia"!

Boy #1
Mine is "Genitals"!

But be careful who you tell!

Mustachioed Villain in Black Hat and Trench-coat
Tell me your Secret Code Words!

Kids
No way, José!

Mustachioed Villain in Black Hat and Trench-coat
[shaking his fist at the camera] Curse you, Hydrogen Guy!

You can use your Membership Card to get a discount at the Hydrogen Guy Boutique! Remember, at the Hydrogen Guy Boutique, they don't take any crap from supervillains - and they don't take American Express!

Kids
AMEX SUCKS!

Sexually Indecisive Kid wearing a Hydrogen Guy Muumuu and pointing a Hydrogen Guy Automatic SNERF rifle
Hands up, punk!

Mustachioed Villain in Black Hat and Trench-coat
[shaking his fist at the camera] Curse you, Hydrogen Guy! [he is hit by a barrage of several hundred SNERF darts]

And best of all, Real Live de Broglie Boards!

Boy standing on Psychedelic Coloured Boogie-board
Engage!

[there is a flash of light, and the boy is now facing the other direction, with his hair messed up all wacky-like]

Girl
Where'd you go?

Boy
Portugal!

To join the exciting new Hydrogen Guy Fan Club, just sign up at the Hydrogen Guy Boutique, or call 1-800-H2-CLUBB! Join now for only $10.99! Gift memberships the same low price! Yes! Hey! Do it! Yes! Now! Operators are STANDING BY!

Operator
Call now, so I can sit down.

Kids
YAY HYDROGEN GUY FAN CLUB!!

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are once again sitting in the plush armchairs in the "Masterpiece Theatre" set. This time Hydrogen Guy is wearing a Viking helmet and Deuterium Boy a huge green sombrero.

Hydrogen Guy
Hi, and welcome back to part two of "Stuff You Missed". This time we have a brief scene from "The Vector of Doom".

Deuterium Boy
This is part of that "alternate ending" referenced in the text, isn't it, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
Right, DB. The first couple drafts of the "Vector of Doom" had Opposition Man throw us in a dungeon underneath his party headquarters, and it was a band of yogic flyers that saved the day.

Deuterium Boy
So why did you change it?

Hydrogen Guy
Basically, it sucked. But the scene with the yogic flyers was kinda funny, so we're dragging it out anyway... A couple other points about this scene. The original Opposition Man was actually a two-headed monster created from Reform leader Preston Manning and then-Bloc Quebecois Leader Lucien Bouchard.

Deuterium Boy
The leaders of Canada's two Opposition parties?

Hydrogen Guy
Right. Hence the name "Opposition Man". Also, the character of Clem Heffelmeyer in this draft was Jethro Manning, Preston Manning's back-woods cousin. And there's a couple other surprises in this scene - watch for them!

[The scene is in Opposition Man's warehouse lab/party headquarters. The Parliamentary Destabilizer is in one corner.]

Dr. Sige Gaas
Hmmm... yes, that's veddy interesting, Jethro. You are indeed an accomplished banjo player.

Jethro
Wanna see me play it with my feet?

The door opens and Opposition Man enters.

Opposition Man
That was Georges, our secretary at the Bloc Office in Ottawa... tremors are already being felt in Parliament... the federalists are crumbling!! Nothing can stop us now!! Not Hydrogen Guy, no one!! HA HA HA HA HA... ha... does anyone else hear that?

Dr. Sige Gaas
Yes... that chanting... what is it?

Jethro
Sounds kinda like them Harry Krishners y'see down at the airport.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Can it be... NO!!

The chanting increases, and suddenly a huge hole is blown through the high stone wall! Bricks and mortar fly through the air and blinding beams of afternoon sunlight pour into the room. The three (or is it four?) men stare in shock and amazement...

A stream of blissful, white-robed yogic-flyers come sailing into the room, chanting "Yoda yoda yoda" and throwing cherry blossoms all over. About fifty in all pour in.

Jethro
Hey! You're that guy from the coffee shop!!

Lloyd
Peace and love, brother Jethro! I am Special Agent Lloyd of the Natural Law Party's 37th Airborne Yogic Squadron. We're here to dispel all the bad vibes!

Opposition Man
Get them, Jethro!!

Jethro
How? I ain't no flying turkey!

Dr. Gaas pulls out a gun and fires at the intruders until his barrel is empty. The blissed-out flyers merely catch the bullets and throw them back as lilac blossoms.

Lloyd
Brothers and Sisters! Perhaps we shouls help the ICBC man to his late-model German automobile.

Yogic Flyer #1
Brother Lloyd! We found the Destabilizer!

Opposition Man
No!!

Dr. Sige Gaas
You fools! Don't interfere! We'll kill you all!!

Yogic Flyer #2
Oooh, somebody has bad karma!

Yogic Flyer #3
You'll spend your next life as a sea cucumber with that attitude.

They grab him by the arms and fly him kicking and screaming out the window. Outside, they drop him in his convertible, which he wisely starts up and takes off in like a vegan out of the Keg Steakhouse.

Lloyd
Time for Flower Power, Brothers and Sisters!

Opposition Man
NO!! NOT FLOWER POWER!!!

The yogic flyers form a circle around the Parliamentary Destabilizer. They join hands and start humming happily. Within a few moments, the machine starts glowing with a bright white light, and then explodes in a shower of daisies.

Opposition Man looks around at the flowers covering the room.

Opposition Man
NO!! This can't be happening! Our plans... our new party... radical politics...

Lloyd
Okay, Brothers and Sisters! What's Step Three?

Yogic Flyers
HUG THERAPY!!

Opposition Man
NOOOO!!!!

Back to Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy in the study. They are still wearing the hats.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll spare you the rest of the scene, out of a sense of good taste.

Deuterium Boy
Not to mention a fear of bad writing.

Hydrogen Guy
There's that, too.

Deuterium Boy
So, HG, why the comments about yogic flyers in the final version? Why not just forget that whole plot element all together?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, DB, a few loyal folks who've been Hydrogen Guy fans for years had already seen the yogic-flyer version. So when an all-new VOD appeared on the web, we felt they might want some sort of in-continuity explanation for the change, no matter how lame.

Deuterium Boy
Well, at least I didn't get shot in that version...

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, there's just no pleasing you... well, that's it from us. Thanks for tuning in for... Stuff You Missed.

Doug has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who would win in a fight between Hydrogen Guy and Buddha?
>		-- SM in Tokyo

And in response, thus spake Doug:

} Buddha, because he's got mad pimpin' moves.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are back in the empty stage set from the first scene. This time there is a large drum, the kind used for prize draws with a handle to turn the drum, sitting between them.

Hydrogen Guy
So, DB, it's been quite a Special so far, hasn't it?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, it's been okay, I guess.

Hydrogen Guy
And now for the part that everybody's been waiting for - time to choose the Grand Prize Winner in our very first Big Fat Hydrogen Guy Contest, "Spot the Tyops and Win"! Remember, the point of the contest was point out any spelling or grammatical errors in episode 7.

Deuterium Boy
And what will the Grand Prize Winner receive, Jim?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, that's a surprise, Dave! We originally said that it would be for the glory only - BUT we've put together a little something! Narrator, tell us what they'll win!

Hydrogen Guy, the Grand Prize Winner will receive a FREE YEAR'S MEMBERSHIP in the Hydrogen Guy Fan Club, and a TEN PERCENT DISCOUNT at the Hydrogen Guy Boutique!

Deuterium Boy
A free membership in the Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Bay Fan Club, eh?

Hydrogen Guy
Err... that's the Hydrogen Guy Fan Club, DB.

Deuterium Boy
[pointedly] I know.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, let's get on with the draw, shall we? Deuterium Boy, if you'll place the eligible entries in the drum, please!

Deuterium Boy pulls a single index card out of his pocket and places it in the drum.

Hydrogen Guy
Now, to randomize the entries...

He turns the handle on the side of the drum, making it spin around several times. The single index card inside tumbles around pathetically.

Hydrogen Guy
Now, here to make the draw - Chuck War! Chuck?

Chuck War, Action Hero, walks in from stage left.

Hydrogen Guy
How'd you enjoy the Special, Chuck?

Chuck War
I wasn't in it.

Deuterium Boy
You're lucky.

Chuck War
I know.

Hydrogen Guy
Just make the damn draw.

Chuck War reaches into the drum, pretends to mix up the multitude of entries, and then pulls out the index card.

Hydrogen Guy
And the winner is...

Chuck War
David Marcolin of Maple Ridge, B.C.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, that's me!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, you're the only one who entered.

Chuck War
Oh? What were the typos?

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know. He sent the text of the whole episode.

Deuterium Boy
I told you, the typos were highlighted in red.

Hydrogen Guy
I use pine for my email! It's a monochromatic program!

Chuck War
You know, you could argue the whole episode was a typo.

Hydrogen Guy
Anyway, congratulations Dave, and I hope you enjoy your membership in the Hydrogen Guy Fan Club.

Deuterium Boy
I don't want a membership in your stupid fan club!

Hydrogen Guy
Your Secret Code Word is "Lubricate".

Deuterium Boy
I don't care!

Hydrogen Guy
You get a boutique discount.

Deuterium Boy
I've already got a 10 employee discount! Besides, I don't want any of that crap. Chuck, you take it!

Chuck War
Nu-uh. All yours, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Aaargh!

Hydrogen Guy
Well, that's it for the Hydrogen Guy Tenth Anniversary Special! Tune in next week for another Thrilling Adventure! So long, everybody!

They turn and exit stage left, Deuterium Boy still muttering under his breath.

Voice of Graham Chapman
Do you need me anymore, or can I go back to being dead?