Last time on "The Files of Hydrogen Guy"...

Deuterium Boy
Are you even sure that this Galerkin is at this meeting?

Hydrogen Guy
That's the point of the meeting, to introduce Galerkin to the North American end of the operation. My contacts were clear on that point.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Hydrogen Guy
Surveillance Unit 1, come in! Do you read me? Chuck! Are you there? [to Deuterium Boy] We've lost them!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Hydrogen Guy
All right, Z, enough of this charawd...

Z
Charade, you mean.

Hydrogen Guy
No, I mean charawd, dammit!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Rosencrantz
Anon! Remove thy banana from my pantaloons!

Guildenstern
Forsoothe, that is not my banana...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Deuterium Boy
Are you saying this is the future?

Z
Late twenty-one thirties, I think...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Voice over Loudspeaker
Bottle them up and take'em down to headquarters, Lieutenant!

And Now...

Never Say Die Till You're Dead - Part II

South Surrey, 2135... The long night is over. Dawn breaks over the massive Telus Central Command complex - a huge and severe jumble of cubic forms and satellite dishes which dominates the landscape. The sky is clear and pink, a light breeze ruffles the Telus pennants.

Armoured patrol vehicles, nearly a full story high and equipped with cherry picker cranes and anti-personnel cannons, lumber in from a busy night of keeping the sector free of unwanted traffic. Several head for the Security Depository, to unload their cargo of magnetic containment bottles which hold the scattered molecules of prisoners collected along the way. The patrollers back into the unloading bay, their backing-up signals cheeping like giant electronic birds waking up with the sun.

Telus crewmen converge on the patrollers as the trucks' passengers leap off and head for the showers, calling back and forth, happy to be off work. The crewmen's day is just starting - they unload the bottles and carry them away on dollies. The bottles are left in the depository as the crews turn their attention to the patrollers themselves, checking for battle-damage and routine wear.

Some of the bottles will later be opened and their prisoners restored and taken in for questioning. Many will simply disappear, to be classified as "lost" .

The depository is now empty, save for about a dozen bottles, their silence giving no betrayal of their contents. But one is not so silent... it begins to bulge slightly at the sides. The bulge grows, stretching the walls of the container until it explodes! A colourless, odourless gas is released into the air - not the usual sickly sweet stench of organic hydrocarbons - and drifts away from the containers. Quickly, the cloud takes human shape, and where once there was hydrogen there is now... Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeeow! God, that hurt like hell! Glad to be out of there... but now I have a crick in my neck and that expanding hydrogen trick always gives me gas.*Phppt*Pardon me!

He shakes out his limbs and steps over to another bottle.

Hydrogen Guy
This one must either be Deuterium Boy or Z... how do you open these things... uh-oh...

To his dismay, Hydrogen Guy has spotted a label on the bottle:

Hydrogen Guy
Lovely. I have to go hunting through this labyrinthine command complex - it has to be labyrinthine because no one ever built a command complex with an easy to follow floor plan - and find the Molecular Restorer. Bugger. Why is nothing simple?

Because this makes it more interesting.

Hydrogen Guy
It was a rhetorical question!

Indeed. In addition to all this, Z has transported the Diatomic into the future without many of their trademark Nifty Gadgets^TM, including the fabled Ruler of Elendil.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks for reminding me.

Don't be so sarcastic. Luckily, he is still carrying his handy Scan-O-Matic^TM Handheld Tricorder.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah! Good point.

He removes the Scan-O-Matic^TM from his belt and starts scanning the nearby bottles.

Hydrogen Guy
Hmm... this bottle here seems to contain elevated levels of deuterium... it must be Deuterium Boy! And it's loaded on an easy-to-transport dolly and everything.

See? Some things work out nicely.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, shut up.

He grabs the dolly.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll let Z burble away in there for a while... if he's so bloody omnipotent, he can get out himself.

Hydrogen Guy wheels the dolly across the bay. Exiting the patroller bay, he finds himself in a seemingly deserted corridor.

Ahead he sees a sign:

                  Lift 1 to Molecular Restorer   -->
             <--  Lift 2 to Switchboard Control

He turns down the appropriate corridor towards Lift 1. Suddenly...

Security Officer
Ho! You there, in the cape! Have a minute, there!

Hydrogen Guy turns and notices a Telus security officer he hadn't noticed before approaching him from the other direction. Making a mental note to play it cool, he steels himself.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, sir, how can I help you?

Security Officer
Ho!

Hydrogen Guy
Yes?

Security Officer
What's all this, then?

Hydrogen Guy
All of what, exactly?

Security Officer
Where are you going with that detention bottle?

Hydrogen Guy
To the molecular restorer. Lift 2. As per the sign immediately behind you.

The security officer looks back at the sign, then at Hydrogen Guy, then the bottle, then finally at Hydrogen Guy again. His gaze is deeply suspicious, and for a moment Hydrogen Guy is afraid he's going to say "Ho!" again.

Security Officer
Let's see the back of your neck.

Hydrogen Guy
My what?

Security Officer
Back of the neck. Come on, be quick about it.

Highly dubious, Hydrogen Guy turns 120 degrees, enough to display the requested part of the anatomy while still keeping half an eye on his inquisitor.

Security Officer
Where's your Universal Employee Code, then?

Hydrogen Guy
My what?

Security Officer
Bar code tatooed on the back of the neck. Standard issue in most Corps.

He pulls a metallic device out of a holster on his belt - not particularly gun-like in appearance but the way he points it indicates otherwise.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm allergic to the ink. They... implanted a chip instead.

Security Officer
Really.

Hydrogen Guy turns around, eyeing the weapon cautiously.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes.

Security Officer
Never heard the like of that before.

Hydrogen Guy
It's suprisingly common.

Security Officer
Ho. Less of it. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to come along to SwitchCon and assist us in our enquiries.

Hydrogen Guy
Uh huh.

Security Officer
Immediately. Be smart about it or I'll use this.

Hydrogen Guy cocks an eyebrow and appears momentarily distracted.

Security Officer
Final warning, vagrant. Move.

Hydrogen Guy
Is it just me, or is their something wrong with the environmental in here?

Security Officer
Yeah, come to think of it, it is a bit humid. [raising the gun] For the last time...

Hydrogen Guy
It's positively sticky. We could swim there and get there faster.

The security officer is suddenly conscious that it has, indeed, become overwhelmingly humid. Perspiration is practically dripping on his forehead. He reaches an arm up to wipe his brow on his sleeve, momentarily taking his eyes and gun off his prisoner. Suddenly he feels a sharp CRACK on the back of his head, and the world goes dark as slumps to the ground.

Hydrogen Guy straightens up, the guard's gun in one hand and a stiff rubber blackjack in the other.

Hydrogen Guy
The old condensation trick works everytime. And, a word to the wise - it helps to carry around all the Nifty Gadgets, but some situations call for a good old low-tech cosh.

He examines the gun before sticking both items in his Nifty Gadgets belt.

Hydrogen Guy
It is a way cool gun. We'll see what it does eventually, I'm sure...

Returning to his dolly, he continues down the corridor to the elevator. He reaches Lift 1 and pushes the button for the elevator. He waits impatiently for what seems like ages, nervously glancing around on the look-out for enraged security officers. Finally the doors open - but the elevator is not unoccupied. A man in a blue vinyl suit with a matching briefcase beams back at him. Hydrogen Guy shrugs and pushes the dolly in.

Man in Suit
Morning!

Hydrogen Guy
Uh... Good morning.

Man in Suit
Molecular restorer?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, thank you.

The man in the suit pushes a button. The Lift doors close and the elevator starts to move. Standing next to him, Hydrogen Guy notices the man has a computerized implant of some kind, about the size of a modern pager, just above his right ear. They ride in silence for a few seconds.

Man in Suit
Sales, eh?

Hydrogen Guy
Excuse me?

Man in Suit
You're in Sales, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, right, yes, I am.

Man in Suit
I could tell by the costume.

Hydrogen Guy
Right.

Man in Suit
I used to be in Sales. God, the things I had to wear sometimes. I once went to Chilliwack dressed as a seven-foot rabbit. [chuckles] Are you new here?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, that's right. I started last week.

Man in Suit
[pointing to the bottle] This your partner?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

Man in Suit
Don't worry about it, happens all the time.

Hydrogen Guy
Really?

Man in Suit
Yeah, you get these punks sometimes, think that just because they've got a phone and a 40-inch Kazer Kannon that they can give you the business, know what I'm saying? I mean, we're the phone company, for Ford's sake! So they mouth off to the Advanced Sales Unit, and get themselves bottled, and sometimes you just can't help it if one of the sales guys gets sucked up too... it's a pain in the ass really, but I guess it comes with the job.

Hydrogen Guy
Whatcha gonna do, eh?

Man in Suit
Right on, brother. Heh, thank Ford I got this baby now.

He pats the implant.

Man in Suit
I'll take middle management over sales anyday.

Hydrogen Guy
Mind if I ask what that device does?

Man in Suit
Lobotomizer.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah.

They ride in silence for a few seconds.

Man in Suit
So you catch the war last night?

The elevator bings obligingly and the doors slide open.

Hydrogen Guy
Whoops! My stop! [wheels the dolly out into the corridor]

Man in Suit
Later!

The hall into which Hydrogen Guy steps is busy, but no one takes any notice of him. A sign on the wall informs him he is on Level 2 and directs him towards the Molecular Restorer. He wheels his precious cargo down the hall and into a room marked "Molecular Restorer". The machine is unguarded. However...

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, crap!

He is looking at a sign on the Molecular Restorer which reads...

... with another, hand-printed sign underneath...

Hydrogen Guy
Sheiße.

He looks at the Molecular Restorer, which looks much like a photocopier with a nozzle and a man-sized tube attached to it. The nozzle, presumably, is where the bottle attaches, and the tube is where the molecularly restored contents reappear in human form.

A quick examination of the nozzle and its corresponding port on the bottle reveals that the connectors are similar but not compatible. Cursing the fact that the connector conspiracy has survived two full centuries, Hydrogen Guy starts rooting through the compartments on his belt. His load consists of the gun the blackjack, his Scan-O-Matic^TM, a bicycle repair kit, a roll of teflon tape, several staples for his Pneumatic Staple Gun (not included), and a laser pointer.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. MacGuyver I'm not, but it beats trying to get up another 15 stories without being noticed. I just wish I'd thought to bring a soldering iron.

The bicycle repair kit proves up to the task of disassembling the two connectors, and with a few parts from the interior of the Scan-O-Matic^TM, the staples and teflon tape are up to the task of knitting the together. The result looks unsafe, and Hydrogen Guy admits to himself that it represents only an educated guess about how the process works...

Hydrogen Guy
But what else is there? Maybe I should think about switching to sales, it might be safer...

He locates the power switch on the restorer and turns it to the "on" position and waits for the machine to warm up. After about thirty seconds, a blue light appears above a large button labeled RESTORE, located on the machine exactly where the COPY button is on a photocopier.

He crosses his fingers and presses it.

The lights dim. The machine moans and grinds. A fog appears in the restoration pod, and begins to form into the outline of Deuterium Boy. Suddenly, sparks erupt from the make-shift connectors!

Hydrogen Guy
Uh oh...

A great arc of electricity leaps from the connector to the pod. The room goes pitch black, and something explodes, throwing Hydrogen Guy against the wall! The restorer falls silent. Hydrogen Guy struggles to remain conscious for a half minute, and upon emerging victorious, convinces himself that all limbs and appendages are in their proper places.

Hydrogen Guy
Uuuh... bloody hell. Theyre bound to notice THAT at the switchboard. Deuterium Boy? Are you there?

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! What happened? Where are we?

Hydrogen Guy
Where are you? No time to explain, DB, they should have the lights back on any second now, and the posse will be sent out to find us... hey, what's wrong with your voice? It sounds like it did in grade eight...

Just then the room is lit by bright yellow emergency lamps. The Molecular Restorer is in pieces - but to Hydrogen Guy's shock and amazement (no, we're not doing that gag again), he finds himself staring eye to eye with a Deuterium Boy that is just under three feet tall and just over three feet wide.

Hydrogen Guy
What the... Deuterium Boy?

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! What's -- [glances down at himself] AAAUUUGH!!!!

He passes out. Hydrogen Guy locates his face and starts slapping him.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! Dave! Wake up! Okay, I know it looks bad, but we'll deal with it later. Right now --

Deuterium Boy
A TREE SLOTH!!! I'D RATHER BE A #@!%! TREE SLOTH!!!

Hydrogen Guy
Right now Telus security is hotfooting it in our direction. Unless you want to go from being a fat dwarf to a dead fat dwarf, we'd better get out of here!

Indeed, the sound of running feet and voices was getting closer...

Deuterium Boy
burblburblburbl HA HA HA HA!

Hydrogen Guy
Don't go catatonic! Now is not a good time!

Voice in the Corridor:
In here! Come on!

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, too late!

An absolutely enormous man carrying an even more enormous gun appears in the doorway. He aims the weapom directly at the Diatomic Duo!

Hydrogen Guy
GET DOWN!!!

He pulls Deuterium Boy even closer to the floor, just as the burly man fires! It plasma blast misses our heroes, blasting a huge hole in the wall. The hole overlooks a terrace, and the city streets can be seen beyond.

Burly Man with Large Gun
Run! Get out quick, they're right behind us! Move, dammit!!

A little stunned, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dash out the hole in the wall, closely followed by the burly man and several other scruffy heavy fighters. The burly leader takes them across the terrace and down a flight of stairs to ground level as laser blasts from their pursuers hit the ground all around them. They reach the street and are away into the city...

Holy Road Warriors, Hydrogen Guy! Who are the Covalent Crusaders' mysterious saviours? Can Deuterium Boy pull himself together? Or will all be doom, destruction and apocalypse for our valiant heroes? Aren't you dying to find out? No? Then you can bite my turnip, pal! Otherwise, tune in to Part III of...

Never Say Die Till You're Dead
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!