Episode 31

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

It is near dark on a mid-November day. A silver Mercedes creeps up the tree-enshrouded gravel drive belonging to a secluded house in Gatineau Park, Québec. The car slows to a stop in front of the house and the engine falls silent. The driver's door opens and shuts.

He stands beside the car for half a minute, looking up at the old stone house, enjoying the stillness of the woods. It reminds him of the estate where he grew up, so very far away. He runs a hand through his sandy blond hair, then shoves it in his coat pocket. He feels the small bag he brought along, and is reassured. He turns his gaze to the front door. His boots crunch on the gravel as he walks.

A knock at the door, and a moment later it opens. A matron in plain dress looks up at him, then with an expression of mild surprise, lets him inside. She calls him M. Renard, and he calls her Therese and asks after her family's health. Next he asks about the health of the man he has come to see, and she tells him there is no change. Which is a polite way of saying that he is still dying.

At a silent signal from her, he follows her up the grand staircase. She leads him down a wide hall, lined with family portraits and expensive artwork, to a pair of baroque doors. She opens the door and steps through, while he waits. She announces the visitor, and although he hears no reply, the answer must be affirmative. The matron steps aside and invites him into the bedroom.

He steps through the doorway and she slips out behind him. The visitor walks slowly towards the large bed, stopping a few feet away from its foot. The man he has come to see is propped up within, surrounded by pillows and extra blankets,. He looks unexpectedly small. He is typing on a laptop computer; even now he directs those who are under his command.

It doesn't even occur to his visitor to clear his throat, or in some other way attempt to attract the old master's attention. When the old master is ready, he will be acknowledged.

The seconds drag on into minutes. Finally the moment comes. The old man looks up from the computer screen, peering over the rims of his glasses inquisitively.

"Hans-Raoul."

A statement of fact, not a question, but the meaning is clear - so you're here, what do you want?

"Senator, how are you?" The visitor catches his host's meaning, but his obsequiousness is second nature.

"In a tolerable amount of discomfort."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Why, do you wish it to become intolerable?"

The visitor laughs. "Senator Trudeau, you're very hard to exchange pleasantries with."

"I don't believe in them. I believe in getting to business. You must not, because if you did Hydrogen Guy would be dead by now."

"That's what I'm here to discuss, actually."

"Good." Jean-Marc Trudeau, the Black Rose, closes his laptop and moves it aside. He does not invite his visitor to come closer, but his mood is noticeably lightened.

"By the way," he says, "I was fairly impressed with the Referendum campaign. It's too bad that you lost, but the federalists have never won with such a slight margin before. Ah, well. I had hoped to see Canada torn apart by civil war within my lifetime, but I suppose it's not to be."

"Yes," says Hans-Raoul lightly, "Curse that meddling Hydrogen Guy."

"Are you mocking me?"

"No! I'm sorry, I was trying to make light of the situation. Even though my attempt to split Canada and Québec was entirely serious, I was more interested in using it as a tool to gauge Hydrogen Guy's abilities."

"Ha ha! Liar. It's a sorry excuse for a criminal mastermind who tries to convince people all his defeats were carefully planned. Don't become another Ironcore, Galerkin."

"I'm serious! I've been conducting experiments with Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. First I used the Crustacean to lure Hydrogen Guy to Ottawa. The Crustacean's henchmen in British Columbia were mostly double-agents, working for me. I had them anger the leaders of the Balabanian Circle mob, which made the province too hot for the spiny little devil to handle. Through his European associates - also tightly under my control, by the way - I suggested he flee to Ottawa. Hydrogen Guy followed him, alone, just as I thought he would."

"You used the Crustacean as bait for Hydrogen Guy?"

"Yes. I've been using the Europeans to keep the financial pressure on the little shellfish. Between Hydrogen Guy and my people in Ottawa, all his money-making schemes have failed spectacularly."

"Nicely done, if you're telling the truth," says Trudeau, "That lobster needs watching. You may eventually find him a dangerous plaything."

"Don't worry," replies Hans-Raoul, "It's taken care of."

Terror erupts in the Nation's Capitol!

Hydrogen Guy
ARRRGH!!! Ooof!

Crustacean
HA HA HA HA!! How do you like the taste of my ZALTRON Death Cannon, Hydrogen Guy?

Hydrogen Guy
Spicy, a bit rough on the palate, with an unpleasant after-taste. You're lucky you're not in the wine business, crab legs.

Crustacean
I AM NOT A CRAB, I AM A LOBSTER!

Hydrogen Guy dodges the fiery orange balls of death with only nanoseconds to spare. His forehead feels dry and sunburned.

Hydrogen Guy
What was that I said about you not being in the "whine" business?

The scene is downtown Ottawa - mid-day, in late October. The city's business has ground to a halt as a ferocious duel consumes it. On one side - Hydrogen Guy, defender of Truth, Silliness and the Canadian Way! On the other - his arch-nemesis, the perennially cash-strapped super-lobster known as the Crustacean. But unless Hydrogen Guy acts quickly, he will be cash-strapped no longer - at the controls of a twenty foot battle robot, the Crustacean has just robbed the main branch of the Bank of Montreal!

Crustacean
Your puns will not save you now, Hydrogen Guy! EAT DEATH, HUMAN SCUM!

The Crustacean fires blast after blast from his Death Cannon, tearing up the city street. Hydrogen Guy dodges as fast as he can - but not fast enough! Narrowly missing being vapourized by an energy blast, he is struck by a piece of flying granite. Hydrogen Guy hits the ground and tumbles across the ground, coming to a stop next to an enormous truck tire and a pair of worn combat boots. He moans painfully. Strong hands help him to his feet, and somebody asks him if he's all right.

Hydrogen Guy
Uh... just got the wind knocked outta me... Chuck?! Chuck War, what are you doing here?

His saviour is none other than his good friend from Maple Ridge, Galactic Customs Agent Chuck War! And the giant tire that stopped his roll belonged to the new War Rig, Chuck War's mobile arsenal of freedom.

Chuck War grins broadly at his battered friend.

Chuck War
Heard someone was opening a can of whoop-ass on ya.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm doing fine, thanks... but I can't keep dodging that thing forever....

Chuck War
Yeah... that's the real reason I'm here. I've been in town for a few days - I got a tip that someone around here had bought a ffinch-ffirnian battle-mech off my old buddy Kanthor Muk. Figured it was your spiny buddy, so when I heard the cannon fire I came to investigate.

Hydrogen Guy
Huh.

They turn to look at rampaging robot. Twenty feet tall, with eight segmented legs and four arms - two ending in gripper claws, currently holding several large bags marked with dollar signs, and two ending in ZALTRON Death Cannons - the monstrosity looked much like a giant crustacean. On its back were a pair of retractable wings, ramjet engines and battery of missiles, for good measure. Somewhere in the main body, the Crustacean at the controls. Currently the thing was cutting a swath of destruction through the streets, as the Crustacean has decided that now his business is taken care of, he would have a little fun...

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know how I'm gonna stop that thing. Don't suppose you could take it out with the War Rig?

Chuck War shakes his head.

Chuck War
Downtown? Not a great idea. On an open plain, sure thing, but for narrow streets like this you need something specially designed for urban fighting. Which is why I brought you this....

He walks around to the back of the trailer. He heaves a switch on the side of the trailer, and the rear doors swing open. A motorized platform inside the trailer starts to move, carrying its cargo out of the trailer and slowly lowering it to the ground.

Chuck War
It's a GC-issue personal mechanized infantry exo-skeleton. I had it painted up in your colours, too.

The ten-foot machine looks much like a giant deep-sea diver's suit, with the bulbous transparent head piece and gripper arms. Mounted on its back are several powerful looking weapons. And it is, of course, painted that stylish blue and black, that Hydrogen Guy prefer, and with a yellow "HG" on the chest-plate.

Hydrogen Guy
Oooh, Deuterium Boy is gonna be sooo jealous! Thanks, Chuck!

Chuck War
Just step into the exoskeleton and hit the red button.

Hydrogen Guy does as he says. The exo-skeleton clamps itself snugly around him, and raises him into the body of the machine. The chest plate closes, and Hydrogen Guy is sealed tightly inside.

Chuck War
You know how that thing works?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, DB's got a game like this for DreamCast.

Chuck War
Good luck!

Hydrogen Guy takes several lurching steps forward in the armour. He turns toward the Crustacean's last location, and puts the battle mech into a run. By the time he rounds the corner of Wellington and O'Conner, he has the controls pretty much figured out. He spots the Crustacean's mech lumbering up Parliament Hill, taking random shots at fleeing tourists.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Crab Legs!

Hydrogen Guy sprints up towards the Crustacean, activates his jump jets and body checks the giant crab in the back. It drops the bags of money and tumbles forward. Hydrogen Guy 's blaster cannons spin around to the forward position, and by the time the Crustacean uprights his mech, he finds himself staring down at Hydrogen Guy's weapons.

Crustacean
Aww, isn't that cute. The human has his own little battle-mech.

The Crustacean's mech still towers over Hydrogen Guy. Both ZALTRON Death Cannons level at Hydrogen Guy's helmet.

Crustacean
Stand aside and let me retrieve my money.

Hydrogen Guy
Make me, lobster boy.

The Crustacean's fire balls bounce off Hydrogen Guy's shields and bounce back at him, while Hydrogen Guy returns fire with his rapid fire blaster cannons. They continue this exchange of fire of several seconds, until the Crustacean notices a warning light on his control board - energy shields are reaching a critical temperature. The Crustacean begins backing away, while maintaining fire. Hydrogen Guy follows - the GC mech's shields have a higher tolerance than the ffinch-ffirnian's, despite it's smaller size.

The combatants continue backing up the hill until the Crustacean is nearly at the edge of the cliffs over looking the Ottawa River. In desperation, he turns his cannons away from Hydrogen Guy and fires at the nearby Parliament buildings.

Hydrogen Guy
No!!

He leaps for the Crustacean's cannon arms. With his two gripper arms, the Crustacean grabs Hydrogen Guy and tries to through him off the cliff, but Hydrogen Guy locks his own arms around the Crustacean's two front legs.

Crustacean
Let go, dammit!!

Hydrogen Guy
Like I said before, make me!

The two mechs wrestle violently, trying to toss one another over, occasionally firing a blaster or Death cannon, rolling around Parliaments rear parking lot.

Hydrogen Guy
Suppose that was the Prime Minister's car we just smashed into?

Crustacean
We can only hope.

Hydrogen Guy
Ooh, maybe it was Stockwell Day's!

Crustacean
Mammalian Liberal flunky!

Hydrogen Guy
Cold-blooded Alliance invertebrate!

Crustacean
Lobsters don't have blood!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but it's the sentiment that counts...

They roll over once again and smash through the railing which separates the parking lot from the cliffs. The Crustacean flings Hydrogen Guy aside and scrambles to maintain a grip on solid ground.

Hydrogen Guy
Nice view from these cliffs!

Crustacean
Let me give you a closer look!

He lunges for Hydrogen Guy, but the smaller mech dodges.

Hydrogen Guy
You know what I like about fighting up here? We don't have all those buildings like downtown. You can get a nice clear shot here.

The Crustacean levels his Death Cannons at him.

Crustacean
Precisely.

Chuck War
Hey, Crustacean! Behind you!

The Crustacean turns, a mere instant before one the War Rig's Omegatron Mech-Killer missiles rips through the centre of his machine. Hydrogen Guy opens fire with his blasters, and the Crustacean's crippled mech tumbles backwards over the cliff. It strikes the side of the cliff once on the way down, bounces, and then --

-- explodes in a tremendous ball of flame and plunges into the river!

Hydrogen Guy activates the control to open his mech's exoskeleton. The chest plate splits open, the ex-skeleton lowers him to the ground and he is unclamped from the mechanism. Chuck War runs up to him from the nearby War Rig.

Chuck War
Wow. Think he could have survived?

Hydrogen Guy
No way. He's just an overgrown bug, remember? You couldn't have survived that. Thanks for following in the Rig, by the way...

Chuck War
Any time. The cops snagged the money, by the way.

They peer cautiously over the edge of the cliff. They catch the last glimpse of the burned out wreckage sinking beneath the water.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh good. I kind of forgot about that. I guess leaving four huge bags of cash lying around on the front lawn of Parliament wasn't a good idea.

Chuck War
Four?

Hydrogen Guy throws up his hands and sighs. They peer down into the river again. Across the water, the giant statue of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau watches from his great copper canoe.

Hydrogen Guy
Up for seafood lunch?

Chuck War
Sure.

Evening, the same day, on a beach a few miles down river from Ottawa, on the Québec side. A small, red, and rather worn creature drags itself out of the river and collapses on the beach.

Crustacean
I will destroy you Hydrogen Guy... oh yes, I will destroy you...

A festive mood fills the Hydrogen Cave - for Hydrogen Guy has returned! It has been several weeks since his climactic battle with the Crustacean, and as Jim Evans, his four month stay at the National Research Council is over. He sits with Deuterium Boy, in their old spots in the Hydrogen Cave's kitchen, with a calming mug of tea.

Hydrogen Guy:
[breathes deeply] Ah! It’s great to be back in the ol’ Hydrogen Cave... comfy chairs, row upon row of computers covered in useless blinking lights, the odours of gourmet beverages and bat guano mingling on the palate... you never called anyone about the bat guano did you?

Deuterium Boy:
Well, Holy Cave-Dweller Faux Pas, Hydrogen Guy. We were so busy saving the city from homicidal clowns I didn’t have time.

Hydrogen Guy:
Don't worry about it, DB... as you say, you had other things on your mind. You and Helium Girl did a superlative job defending the city from Evil while I was away.

Deuterium Boy
Thank you, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
Not at all, DB. Although... is it my imagination, or is Langley a bit smaller than I remember?

Deuterium Boy
Um, yeah, about that, HG, see there was this rare Ethiopian emu...

Hydrogen Guy raises a hand to stop him.

Hydrogen Guy
Forget it. I'll read about it in your report. I'm sure it will fascinate... So Helium Girl's coming along okay?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, she's doing really well. She has a knack for the crime-fighting. We really have to work on her technical knowledge, though.

Hydrogen Guy
How's that going?

Deuterium Boy
It's been a struggle. I've got her watching "The Teletubbies Learn Basic Electronics" right now.

Helium Girl is sitting curled up on the couch in the Cave's lounge, watching a video.

Narrator
So, Tinky Winky, do you know what this increase in intensity is called?

Tinky Winky
Gain! Gain!

Narrator
[sighs] So, Tinky Winky, do you...

Helium Girl
Oh my god, I just love his purse!

Hydrogen Guy
I'm sure that's helping a great deal.

Deuterium Boy
So. Wow. I can't believe the Crustacean is dead.

Hydrogen Guy
Yup. That's one spiny bastard we don't have to worry about anymore.

Deuterium Boy
Hopefully things will be quiet around here for a change.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. I could use a rest.

Suddenly, the lights dim. A strange, theremin-like sound effect fills the air. Doug the rubber skeleton floats into the kitchen several feet in the air, his limbs waving back and forth like strands of seaweed in the sea-current. He floats to a pot three feet above the kitchen table, and then speaks with an ominous voice...

Doug
BEWARE, MORTALS! BEWARE... THE DOOM OF NOFFRAS!

The sound effects stop abruptly, the lights return to normal, and Doug plops down onto the table.

Hydrogen Guy
You could see that comin', couldn't you?

Deuterium Boy
Oh yeah.

Doug
*gurgle*

Somewhere high in the mountains of Nepal... a mule bears a lone figure up a narrow, winding path. Ahead is a solitary monastery, nestled deep in the rocks and the mists of the mountains. The rider approaches the monastery gates. He talks with the porter a short time, and is admitted.

The rider dismounts and his mule is tended to. He is bulky, hidden in a black cowl and cloak. The porter sends him on with a novice to lead him.

Inside a cell in the monastery, a young woman sits cross-legged on a straw mat, contemplating the mountain mists through the window cut in the stone. The novice appears in the doorway.

Novice
Miss Desdemona, there is someone here to see you.

Desdemona
Thank you, Qi, but I don't wish to be disturbed.

Novice
Miss Desdemona, it is Him...

She turns. The stranger enters the cell. He pulls back the cowl to reveal an older man, his eyes hidden behind rhinestone-studded mirror sunglasses. His hair is dyed black, and is styled in a pompadour, and he wears mutton-chop sideburns. Beneath the black robes there is a glimpse of a high-collared white sequined jumpsuit. The novice departs.

Desdemona
Commander-in-Chief...

Chief
Yes, ma'am, Desdemona. Ah knew you'd be at Heartbreak Hotel, but ah didn't know Lonely Street was so long...

Desdemona
Sir... I'm speechless. For you to come all this way, just to be disappointed...

Chief
Now, hear me out, Desdemona... ah know you came here to forget about Deuterium Boy, and what you saw in that file... but your country needs you. America needs you, Desdemona.

Desdemona
Can't you find anyone else?

Chief
No, ma'am. Agent X21 has retired. We need somebody new in Victoria. And you're just the woman for the job.

Desdemona
Victoria, British Columbia?

Chief
Yes ma'am. Contacts tell us somethin' big's comin' up fast. We need you there.

Desdemona considers for a long while.

Desdemona
Will I get my own office?

Chief
Yes, ma'am. With your own private water cooler and one of them vibro-matic chairs like ah got in mine.

She nods her head. Slowly and painfully, she gets to her feet.

Desdemona
Then I accept the assignment, Chief.

Chief
Thank you, thank you very much. Ah knew we could count on you, Desdemona. In the twenty-five years since ah faked my own death to take the position of Commander-in-Chief of the CIA, you're the best agent ah've seen.

Desdemona
Qi! Fetch my belongings, will you?

The novice comes running back down the hall.

Novice
But Miss Desdemona, what will I tell the Master?

Desdemona
Tell him... Desdemona has now left the building.

"So you lured Hydrogen Guy to Ottawa because you wanted to see if he could stop a Referendum?" The Black Rose sits in bed, idly toying with his reading glasses.

"Partly," said Hans-Raoul. His hands shoved in his pockets, rocking back on his heels, he smiles smugly. "I was most interested in how Hydrogen Guy reacted away from his native Maple Ridge; and in how effective Deuterium Boy was without him. I set up a series of challenges for them. My people helped bust Battle Armour Bob out of UBC Asylum; I had Doug's head stolen and hid it in Savadini's multi-dimensional labyrinth; I supplied Beano the Clown with the expertise to build a bean fusion bomb. Ironically, Turdston, the scientist who built the bomb for me, was the very one they called upon to disarm it."

Trudeau frowns. "This must have cost the organization a fortune."

Hans-Raoul shrugs and extends his hands palm upwards. "All the organizations resources were put at my disposal when I was hired for the Anti-Hydrogen Project. We can just raise the auto premiums next year."

Trudeau mumbles assent. Hans-Raoul continues, "My favourite little plan, was I allowed the Shroud to learn that Princess Madge of Torrado has been hiding in Toronto."

"What?!"

"The old prince-and-pauper story. Anyway, Dumnoric was very creative in his plan to kidnap her. Which worked out perfectly - of course HG would come running to rescue her, but a clever puzzle for him is an added incentive. I was very impressed with that."

The only sour point, he thinks to himself, was the sudden appearance of Helium Girl back in Maple Ridge. He hadn't anticipated another Elemental entering the picture; it bothered him that they could have found one so quickly. Clearly, he now needed to act just as quickly...

"Hans-Raoul, I'm very impressed. Here I've been thinking you've done nothing but sit on your thumbs and lose Referendums these last eight months. But here you've made sure Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy have not only been defeating us but everyone else as well. Well done."

Hans-Raoul frowns. "You know as well as I do that to defeat an enemy, you have to understand him. That takes observation, in the form of experiments."

"We gave you psychological profiles when you started."

"But they didn't tell me what I needed to know. Like - are Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dependent on each other, or can they function independently? Is Deuterium Boy alone just a Watson without his Holmes? Can Hydrogen Guy work with someone whose philosophies he opposes, like Rene Dédelle? And so on."

"Do you have your answers, then?"

"Yes. And now I'm ready to take the next step - destroying them."

Trudeau nods. "So tell me, Hans-Raoul, how do you propose to destroy the Diatomic Dunderheads, and what do you expect me to do about it?"

Hans-Raoul smiles. "I was hoping you might deliver the killing blow. Let me explain..."

Not far from last month's mecha rampage, a plain grey van sits across from an Ottawa restaurant. Inside the van - the Crustacean and his two chief henchpersons, Big Joe Switchboard, and the nefarious panda, Pu Wing Fu.

Big Joe
Jeez, boss, why do I gotta wear a tie?

Crustacean
Because, Joseph - we are meeting with our top European contact, and it is vital that we impress him. Humans tend to be more receptive to begging when the begging party is wearing a tie...

Pu Wing Fu
Then why don't I get a tie?

Big Joe
Cause you're a chick, bear.

Crustacean
Plus, our meeting will also go better if you have nothing with which to garrote our contact.

Pu Wing Fu
Yah! Strangle! Erk erk erk!

Crustacean
Pu Wing Fu, remember - when we leave the van, you start playing the "Quiet" game.

Pu Wing Fu
Okay.

Crustacean
I want both of you to remember - this meeting is vital. We must convince this man not to continue working with us, despite the fact that we have not paid him in two months and we spent the last of Pu Wing Fu's pull-tab winnings on that blasted battle mech. If we lose our European network, I am back to "square one" in my attempt to become a villain of global importance. If that happens, neither of you will be my employees any longer and it will be back to the zoo and Internet pyramid scams for you, respectively.

Pu Wing Fu
How about I go buy more pull-tab tickets?

Big Joe
We gotta save our dough and buy this mook lunch.

Pu Wing Fu
I'd hate for you to end up in the Zoo, Joe.

Big Joe
He was talking --

Crustacean
Enough! It's time for our meeting. Let's go.

They climb out of the van, Big Joe carrying the Crustacean's fish-bowl. They cross the street and enter the restaurant. The hostess double-takes at the sight of a panda and large, muscle-bound man in a suit and tie carrying a lobster in a fishbowl.

Hostess
Uh -- Crustacean party, right?

Crustacean
Correct, female. Take us to our table, at once.

Hostess
Right this way...

She escorts them to a table near the back of the restaurant. A distinguished and very vibrant older man is waiting at the table, sipping a glass of expensive red wine. He is dressed in a very expensive suit.

Crustacean
Dr. Karten - I apologize, it was not my intention to keep you waiting.

Karten
Not at all, my dear Crustacean, not at all. I always make a point of arriving early for everything - by the time everyone else arrives, the setting has become my home turf. Please, sit down.

Crustacean
Allow me to introduce my employees - telecommunications operative Joseph Switchboard, and covert assassin Pu Wing Fu.

Pu Wing Fu
I'm playing the "Quiet" game!

Karten
Admirably, it would seem. I hope you don't mind, Crustacean, I took the liberty of ordering wine - I believe red is the appropriate choice with lobster?

Crustacean
A ha ha ha... but of course, Dr. Karten.

Karten
While you peruse the menu... I have no idea if they serve either plankton or bamboo shoots here, although I'm sure Mr. Switchboard will find something to his tastes ... I'd like to start talking business.

Crustacean
By all means.

Karten
Get the unpleasantness out of the way immediately, is what I've always believed.

Crustacean
Er... yes, of course. But there needn't be any unpleasantness, I hope?

Karten
Mr. Crustacean... my friends have been watching you for some time. We've seen you faltering attempts to obtain money, destroy your enemies, et cetera, et cetera. Frankly, your technique needs a lot of improvement.

Crustacean
I assure you, Dr. Karten, once I have access to the resources I need, success will be inescapable! For all concerned. And you, Dr. Karten, have the opportunity to be a key player. You network of laboratories across the European continent --

Karten
Let me finish, please. We've also discovered that one of your goals is to destroy all human life. Is this true?

Crustacean
Er... well, perhaps my goals have been somewhat distorted through miscommunication...

Karten
Mr. Switchboard, don't you find it strange to work for someone who wants to kill all of your kind?

Crustacean
Joseph...

Big Joe
Eh. I'm in it to make some dough, Dr. Karten. The boss here, he's gonna be one of the big-time super-villains, just you wait.

Karten
Well, aren't we all in it for the money.

Pu Wing Fu
I'm in it for the groupies!

Crustacean
Great Neptune...

Karten
But getting back to this mass genocide issue...

The Crustacean reaches out with his mental powers, attempting to influence Karten's mind.

Crustacean
[aside] Curses! Why can't I feel his mind? At this point in the lunar cycle, any human should be susceptible to me! [to Karten] Doctor, I, er, assure you that this is all a misunder--

Karten
We find it very exciting, very exciting indeed.

Crustacean
I'm sorry?

Karten
Like yourself, Mr. Crustacean, I and my friends are very interested in seeing humanity wiped off the face of the Earth - no offense to you personally, Mr. Switchboard. Mr. Crustacean, we feel that you are the man for the job, pardon my expression. A civilization of intelligent lobsters would be just fine by us.

Crustacean
That's... very gratifying to hear. Dr. Karten, if you don't mind my asking -- who are you?

Karten
A friend, Crustacean. A friend with access to unlimited wealth and resources that I'm more than happy to shower upon you. That's all you need to know.

The Crustacean's advanced aquatic mind reels.

Karten
We should talk about a breeding program - you'll need intelligent lobster minions, I think. We can set up a schedule to start the proper research. You have access to your creator's notes?

Crustacean
I'm afraid not.

Karten
No matter - I can find them myself. Now as to the subject of money - it's no object. I understand you have a lot of expenses at the moment. I have with me some cashier's checks, for a total sum of $6 million US. Will that be enough to start with?

The Crustacean can only stare, even more bug-eyed than usual, and blow a single bubble. Big Joe, likewise, stares with his mouth open. It is up to Pu Wing Fu to close the deal.

Pu Wing Fu
Oh, that'd be peachy.

Karten
Great. We can hammer out all the details later. Now, what do you say we eat?

The Crustacean snaps his mouth-parts shut, and pulls himself together. A smile very nearly crosses his features.

Karten
I say, Dr. Karten - that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

"The key," says Hans-Raoul, "to destroying Hydrogen Guy is to first demoralize him, and then strip him of his powers. Make him both unable and unwilling to resist. Then - it's simple, shoot him, drown him in a slowly filling tank of water, strap him to a table and cut'im in half with a laser - whatever."

"I concur, absolutely," replies Trudeau, "But how to demoralize him? And most importantly - how to deprive him of his powers?"

"I have my methods for the first. Events have already been set in motion. As for the second - I can do that, too. I've been doing some research. There are some extremely helpful fan sites on the Internet. But of course, not all his powers are Elemental. They are greatly amplified by the Ruler of Elendil."

"Ah, yes. So you propose to relieve him of it?"

"When the moment is right. And that moment is soon."

"You're being infuriatingly vague. That's your prerogative, I suppose. But how do I fit into all of this?"

Hans-Raoul slips a hand into his jacket pocket. The action does not escape Trudeau's attention. Surely, he thinks, Hans-Raoul is aware of the air rifles aimed at his head behind the portraits? An assassination attempt would be foolhardy in the extreme.

But Hans-Raoul merely smiles at his host inscrutably.

"I mentioned before," he says, "some of those I'd used to test Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. The Crustacean, Dumnoric, Battle Armour Bob, Beano. What, do you suppose, would be more formidable than an alliance against them - that attacks him in his very own Hydrogen Cave? Beano, of course, is far too unstable, but the others still have a great deal of potential. I would like you to lead them."

Trudeau gazes at him like an aunt looking at an idiot nephew who has just broken a family heirloom. "I hate to disappoint you, Hans-Raoul, but I'm not in the condition to lead anything - except, of course, from my reliable HotMail account. I am well over eighty years old, and frankly, I am unlikely to live until spring."

Hans-Raoul continues to smile. Trudeau began to find it irritating.

"Senator - Jean-Marc. I admire your frankness. You deserve that I be frank with you."

"You may be whomever you want Mr. Galerkin - provided that I continue to be 'Senator Trudeau'. Do I make myself clear?"

Hans-Raoul drops his head, accepting the upbraiding. Perfect. Give him the opportunity to exert his dominance. Let him feel in control at all times.

"I apologize, Senator."

"You were saying?"

Hans-Raoul paused, as one pauses before revealing a great truth. "Senator... I do not come from this planet."

"I was aware of that."

"I do not come from this universe. I do not come from any universe, as your science currently understands the term, but from something else entirely."

Trudeau watches him carefully, and waits. In his business, working with mutants, aliens and talking animals, he could not simply dismiss Hans-Raoul as mad. Although he was tempted.

I won't try and explain my origin to you," Hans-Raoul continues, "but where I come from is far more 'real' than this shadow world you live in. I am real. You are - not unreal, necessarily, but less real."

"You're claiming that you come from a higher level of reality?"

"I suppose that works. I'm prepared to offer you proof."

He withdraws his hand from his pocket and produces a sealed freezer bag. Inside the bag is a brownish-orange powder. He approaches the bed, holding the bag out in the palm of his hand.

"This is a spice made from a plant that grows in the forest near where I was born. It's called philosopher's wort. We use it for salves, ointments, a few spicy ethnic dishes. Apparently it tastes a little like turmeric, though I've never had a taste for it. To us, it's nothing special."

"But to mortals," he continues, "it can be everything. It has an invigorating quality that strengthens the immune system, renews cell regeneration, annihilates cellular toxins that cause aging. It can restore youth and health... and extend life. Maybe indefinitely. It's as though ingesting this spice transfers some of my world's reality to the weak human body."

Trudeau regards the bag in his hand expressionlessly. "Fascinating."

Hans-Raoul watches him closely.

"It's yours if you will lead this mission."

The door to the house closes behind him as Hans-Raoul steps outside into the chill air and gathering dusk. He uses his hand remote to start the car's ignition. He doesn't look back at the house as he climbs into the car.

He shifts the car into gear and starts creeping back down the dim driveway. He reflects as he gazes out into the path of the car's headlights.

There wasn't any other choice Trudeau could have made. Hans-Raoul had handed him exactly what he desired, and gave him a dream assignment on top of it. Of course, he would owe all his new-found strength to Hans-Raoul, and depend on him for his supply of the spice. This didn't automatically mean Trudeau was in his pocket, of course - Trudeau was not like the Crustacean, who he could control by dangling money in front of. Trudeau was aware of his new dependence on Hans-Raoul, and would be sure to demonstrate his free will frequently. Fine. Hans-Raoul didn't need Trudeau under his thumb, anyway; he had his loyalty as a General in ICBC's X Division, anyway.

All he needed was Hydrogen Guy.

Dark Forces seem to be gathering around our heroes. The Crustacean - back from the dead and newly solvent! The Black Rose - with the secret of immortality! And Hans-Raoul behind it all! Or is he? What is the meaning of Doug's mysterious warning? You're gonna need a program to figure it all out if you don't return for part II of...

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries
Same Hydrogen Time - Same Hydrogen Web Site!