Episode 38

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries - Part VIII

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

A traffic light turns green, and the Tritium Truck is off, once again hurtling towards destiny. But this may be a greater destiny than any that our Three Stalwart Heroes have faced before...

Deuterium Boy is silent, intent on the traffic and the road ahead, both literally and metaphorically. Helium Girl calms her nerves by searching for split ends. Hydrogen Guy watches their traveling companion out the window - the red-armor-skinned mystery being called Deus Ex Machinas, who has been flying along beside (sometimes above, sometimes in front of) the truck.

Hydrogen Guy
You have to give this much to him, he gets traffic out of our way faster than any siren.

Deuterium Boy
Are you sure he's a him?

Helium Girl
Yah, he's, like, a him. He's got boy vibes.

Deuterium Boy
Boy vibes?

Helium Girl
Yah, you know. He just totally acts like a guy.

Hydrogen Guy
How do you mean?

Helium Girl
Like, you know... I can't explain it, just trust me, okay?

Hydrogen Guy
I'll bow to your experience at judging the sex of androgynous people.

Helium Girl
In the fashion business, like, you totally get the hang of it.

Hydrogen Guy
As I was saying... what do you make of our new friend, DB?

Deuterium Boy
I don't know what to think. I'm starting to get a little numb to horrible surprises.

Helium Girl
Ohmygawd, tell me about it. First all this superhero stuff, now I think the stress has, like, gimped my perm...

Hydrogen Guy
You think he's a horrible surprise waiting to happen?

Deuterium Boy
Oh, probably. I can't believe that a new superhero would just show up and help us just like that. It's way too convenient.

Helium Girl
Do you think Dee's a hairdresser? Maybe he could, like, fix my perm, too...

Hydrogen Guy
"Dee"?

Deuterium Boy
Why do you think he'd be a hairdresser?

Helium Girl
A lot of androgynous guys are...

They come to a stop at another traffic light. There is a tap at the windshield. Deuterium Boy rolls his window down.

Deus Ex Machinas
Look, do we have to stop at every traffic light?

Deuterium Boy
Well, unless you have some influence with the traffic gods --

Deus Ex Machinas
No, I mean, don't you have a siren or something that you can put on? This is a serious, urgent business.

Hydrogen Guy
The siren is for emergencies only, my friend. Heading for a dramatic final battle isn't a good enough reason to endanger other motorists.

Deus Ex Machinas
But --

Helium Girl
It's green!

Deuterium Boy rolls up the window and with at wave at Deus, steps on the gas. Deus Ex Machinas shrugs and takes to the air again.

Hydrogen Guy
He certainly seems anxious to get there.

Deuterium Boy
Aren't you?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but why would he be? Maybe he has a score of his own to settle with one or more of the Cabal.

Helium Girl
Or, like, maybe he's a superhero and he just wants to, like, beat the bad guys before they do any more bad stuff? Jeez, you guys, like, relax about it. We'll probably all be dead in forty-five minutes anyway.

Deuterium Boy
Thank you, Ms. Happy Sunshine.

Helium Girl
Just trying to be the voice of reason like always.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll miss that when I'm dead.

Helium Girl
Tritium Phone!

Hydrogen Guy
I'll get it... [picks up the phone] Hai!

Chuck War
HG, it's War. We're just leaving the Garage of Freedom now.

Hydrogen Guy
You picked up the thing?

Chuck War
It's good to go. See you at the Institute in twenty... what? Oh. Make it twenty-five, Reaper says he needs to stop for a "Mountain Dew" if he's going into battle.

Hydrogen Guy
See you then, Chuck. HG out.

The orderly flow of East Surrey traffic is suddenly thrown into disarray. Cars scatter like startled field mice as a massive tractor-trailer, bristling with lasers, missiles, cannons, grenade launchers, satellite dishes, aerials, ram jets and even a small trebuchet, hurtles around a corner, lights flashing and sirens blaring. The experienced Surrey driver nods sagely as she jumps onto the sidewalk , nearly whacking a pair of skateboarders: Chuck War is on the move!

Chuck War
You couldn't have made your mind up any faster? I mean, jeez, diet, regular -- what do you care, you're dead!

Reaper sits in the back seat, calmly sipping his pop.

Reaper
[indignant silence]

Codger
WHOA! Jeezus, lady, use your signal ferchrissakes! Why don't these people learn to drive before they come to Canada?!

Chuck War
I'm still not sure it was a good idea for you to come along...

Codger
You think I'd rather sit at the League and listen to my joints creak, and miss the biggest action of the year? Keep your eyes on the road, son.

Reaper
[suspicious silence]

Chuck War
What's wrong?

Codger
I think we're being followed.

Chuck War
By what?

Codger
Blue van, yellow "Bell Canada" logo on the side. I don't see any weapons.

Chuck War
Bell Canada? That's the phone company back east. They probably have a radio. Get on the BC Tel frequency, tell them to back off, we don't have time for this.

Codger
Right... [into radio mike] Unidentified Bell Canada van, this is the War Rig... please pull back, we are on a Priority Omega-Umber Alert for the League of Heroes, local 441, over!

Radio Voice
*kzzk* Chuck War! This is Big Joe Switchboard! Cease and desist immediately! I'm authorized to use deadly force! Over!

Codger
Isn't he the Crustacean's man?

Chuck War
Looks like the fun's starting...

Reaper
[foreboding silence]

Codger
Switchboard! This is the Codger! Pull back immediately, you damned thug! Over!

Big Joe
*kzzk* Negative! [off-mike] Louie, go to battle-mode...

Chuck War keeps an eye on the van in the side-mirror. It pulls out from behind them and starts approaching along the left hand side. A turret bearing a blaster quad-cannon pops up from the Bell van's roof.

Codger
They got a turret up!

Chuck War
I see! Power up the weapons control!

The Codger flips several switches on the dash and pulls a bulky virtual display helmet over his head.

Chuck War
Reaper, keep an eye on our armor sensors! Those ones, the green lights...

The Bell van's quad cannons open up against the Rig's equipment array. Streamers of energy ricochet off the armor plating. A pair of pinpoint lasers, powerful enough to drill straight through any conventional vehicle, issues from the midst of the array and opens fire. They scintillate against an invisible screen surrounding the Bell van.

Codger
What in blue blazes?!! That thing's got a force shield!

Chuck War
On a van that size?!

Reaper
[silence indicating that armor is holding]

Chuck War:
The Crustacean must be buying off-planet again! That's breaking a list of GC Regs a meter long in small type! Go to plasma flares, overload the damn thing!

As the barrage of quad fire continues, the Rig's rear facing flare-throwers flare to life, bathing the Bell van's force shield in blue-green fire. The van drops back a fraction, then starts its approach again, concentrating its fire on the rear of the cab.

Codger
He's out of flare range. You better end this soon, we're closing on the Port Mann bridge...

Chuck War
At least traffic's got the good sense to stay clear. Okay, I'll try to get him in front of us, you fire the ancillary missiles on my word.

Codger
What? Didn't you say that the release mechanism on the launcher was jammed?

Chuck War
Uh-huh.

Codger
Lord have mercy. If that lunatic doesn't kill us all, you will.

Chuck War
How's our armor?

Reaper points to two yellow lights on the console - as he's pointing, one of them changes to red.

Chuck War
Dammit! That'll be the left-hand filter plating...

Chuck War grabs the radio mike.

Chuck War
For Christ's sake, will you stop it, already!!! Filter plating's expensive, dammit!!!

The battling vehicles are nearing the bridge. Chuck tries sudden breaking, but the Bell van stays with them. This time, Chuck breaks and drifts hard to the left, giving the van no choice but to speed ahead or collide. The War Rig continues its drift until the Bell van is in front of them, its quads still firing continuously.

Chuck War
Bloody hell, I can't see a thing with all that blaster fire! That windshield better be holding!!

Reaper
[cautious silence]

Codger
We're on the bridge!

Chuck War
Emergency stopping only, kids! Fire ancillaries!

Codger
You're the boss...

Missile struts pop out on either side of the Rig and the missiles fire. However, they fail to separate from the struts and the War Rig is suddenly accelerated forward with thrust equal to a Saturn V rocket. It slams into the Bell van and pushes it ahead of them like a huge rocket-powered bulldozer. The van's force shield flares dramatically and then disappears.

Codger
His force shield's down!

Chuck War
Forward pinpoint turret! Safe-detonate the missiles!

A miniature turret pops up over the Rig's cab, bearing a pair of pinpoint lasers. The pinpoints open fire, slicing the smashed van neatly in half. The missiles explode in a puff of smoke and metal, shearing off the missile struts but without damaging the Rig itself. Chuck slams on the brakes. The Rig drops suddenly below 200 mph, and the two halves of the van fly away down the bridge deck. The rear half hits a railing and flies off into the river. The cab starts rolling a short distance, glancing several cars not quick enough to avoid the carnage, and finally collides with a bone-shaking crunch against the bridge's super-structure. The War Rig races past.

Switchboard
*kzzk* [coughing] I'll get you for this, Chuck War!!!

Chuck War
He survived that?!!

Codger
Must be in his contract.

Chuck War
Huh... I'd better have a look at mine...

About twenty minutes later, the War Rig pulls up in the empty parking lot of the Maple Ridge Institute for High Energy Physics. The others are there to meet them.

Hydrogen Guy
Trouble?

Chuck War
A minor tussle with one of the Crustacean's goons. Oh, and Mr. Fussy here cost us a few minutes at 7-11, too.

Reaper
[haughty silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Okay - let's get to work.

He and Chuck War walk around to the rear of the trailer. The others follow, curiously. Chuck War throws a switch on the side of the trailer and the doors swing open to reveal Hydrogen Guy's GC mechanized body armor exo-skeleton.

Deuterium Boy
I am soo jealous.

Hydrogen Guy
Be really nice, maybe your friends at CSIS will buy you one for Christmas.

The exoskeleton is lowered to the ground, and Hydrogen Guy steps inside it. It closes up around him, and Hydrogen Guy is ready.

Chuck War
I can put in an order for two more, if you want.

Helium Girl
Ooh! Like, I get one too? Can it be pink?

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, Chuck. I don't know if we could afford it, now that we have to rebuild the Cave.

Hydrogen Guy
Hell, I don't think we can afford this one.

Chuck War
Don't worry about it, consider it a loan. I ask for space support from sector command all the time, and all I get is more infantry.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Chuck. DB, you want yours pink too?

Deuterium Boy
You know, I'm only putting up with you because of the whole guilt thing.

Deus Ex Machinas
Gentlemen - and Helium Girl - may I suggest that we get moving? The longer we stand around, the more likely it is we'll be spotted and lose the element of surprise, if we haven't lost it already.

Hydrogen Guy
Good idea. Let's move.

Chuck War leads the way, trusty Argon Blast Cannon in hand, with Deus Ex Machinas close behind. Next comes Deuterium Boy, Helium Girl, the Codger, and Reaper with Hydrogen Guy clanking along in the rear. They walk through the front door of the Institute, past a sign announcing that it is closed until further notice for seismic testing.

Deuterium Boy
HG, is that thing going to fit in the elevator?

Hydrogen Guy
We'll snap that cable when we come to it, DB.

The Hydrogen Cave - or the collection of rubble and debris that used to be the Hydrogen Cave. Battle Armor Bob sits making rock piles, while no less than nine ICBC ninjas stand at the ready, watching every corner carefully.

Battle Armor Bob
You know, it's nice to feel wanted and all, but is it necessary for all nine of you to be watching me? I don't know what to do with Trudeau's stupid spice anyway. Though it smells like it'd make a great tandoori chicken.

The ninjas remain silent.

Battle Armor Bob
They don't teach conversation in those dojos of yours, do they?

Silence.

Battle Armor Bob
Are you even listening to me?

Ninja #1
Like the flea on the wall, the ninja hears all, sees all, Ballistier-san.

Battle Armor Bob
Super. Then you'll be all ears while we talk about those dreary pyjamas you wear...

The ninjas are saved from Battle Armor Bob's fashion advice by the ding of the elevator bell. Before the doors part they are battle ready, as Hydrogen Guy clanks out with his strike force of justice.

Battle Armor Bob
Hydrogen Guy! Oh, I love what you're wearing! Just your luck that you'll die looking fabulous! The rest of you look drab as ever, of course...

Hydrogen Guy
You're in my Cave, Bob.

Battle Armor Bob
Typical - I move into the neighborhood, and the neighbors get huffy. Let's give'em what for, boys!

The ninjas spring into action as Battle Armor Bob opens fire. Hydrogen Guy activates his shields just in time, shielding those with no natural defenses. Chuck War and Deus Ex Machinas return fire, but their shots bounce off Bob's own shielding.

Reaper springs forward, ducking bullets and plasma volleys, to intercept the ninjas. The ninjas prove that, although his speed and skill with the mono-planar scythe are incredible, they are not super-natural. Four surround him, keeping him at bay with swords and other, stranger bladed weapons. With four opponents of their martial skills, Reaper is evenly matched.

Three more ninjas attack Chuck War, drawing his fire away from Battle Armor Bob. Chuck War, not a martial artist by any means, fends them off with plasma fire, keeping the Codger safely behind him. The ninjas have him on the retreat, and his time is running out --

Deus Ex Machinas swoops into the fray, taking two ninja swords in the chest. The blades glance off his hard metallic "skin".

Deus Ex Machinas
Need a hand?

Codger
Shut up and work your voodoo, metal man.

Deus slings his guns into their holsters and fires several bolts of electricity at their attackers. The ninjas dodge, but one is clipped on the shoulder. Chuck War, Deus and the Codger form a defensive circle as the remaining ninjas come at the again.

It is clear from his reliance on his bio-armor and electric bolts that Deus Ex Machinas is no martial artist, either, although he does seem to have some speed advantage. The Codger meanwhile has drawn a telescoping cane from his Useful Things belt and is using it as a quarter-staff.

Meanwhile, the remaining ninjas have cornered Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl, who are fighting with sabres. Deuterium Boy's considerable fencing skills fortunately are not dependent on his missing super-powers, although he now finds himself somewhat slower than the highly trained ninjas. Helium Girl's swordmanship is, let's be honest, pathetic, but Deuterium Boy needs little help fending off two opponents.

Deuterium Boy
You know, it'd actually be a lot easier on me if you didn't try to fight!

Ninja #2
The Clan of the Manga Eye never surrenders, gaijin dog!

Deuterium Boy
I was talking to her!

Helium Girl
You are, like, so dead if we live through this!

Ninja #3
As you will assuredly not, Helium-sama! Hai!

He lunges at her. Helium Girl shrieks and throws her sword at him, which delays him just enough for Deuterium Boy to slash him across the throat.

Ninja #3
Gaah --

The remaining foe redoubles his attack.

Deuterium Boy
I didn't want to kill your friend, but I didn't have a choice.

Ninja #2
Choice is an illusion, Deuterium-san, as is life, as is death.

Deuterium Boy
You're starting to sound like a rubber skeleton of my acquaintance.

Ninja #2
You speak of the honorable Doug-san! Our clan holds him in great respect as an most worthy foe.

Deuterium Boy
Try paying his bar bill one day.

The ninja produces a shuriken and throws it at close quarters at Deuterium Boy. DB deflects it with his sabre and responds with a Deuterium-O-Rang. The ninja catches it between two hands just before it impacts his forehead. Flipping it around, he slashes at Deuterium Boy with it like a knife. DB sticks his leg out, trying to trip him, while avoiding his slash. The ninja flips end over end rather than trip, lands between Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl, and draws his sword.

Too late.

He looks down in surprise at the sword point protruding through his chest, and collapses.

Helium Girl
Don't under-estimate a blonde, buddy.

She pulls her sword out.

Helium Girl
Ew! It's all bloody!

Deuterium Boy
You just stabbed him through the back! What do you expect? Nice work, by the way.

Helium Girl
I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been so gross. It's not, like, that gross in movies and stuff.

Meanwhile, Reaper is engaged in the fight of his life. And having the time of his life, apparently. One can hardly keep track of the blades, scythes, and somersaulting ninjas in the air around him, so we won't even try.

Over on the pyrotechnic side of the Cave --

Hydrogen Guy
Do you ever run out of ammo?

Battle Armor Bob
Why do you think your Cave's such a mess?

Hydrogen Guy
You did this?

Battle Armor Bob
Are we fighting or playing Questions?

Hydrogen Guy
Would you rather we played Questions?

Battle Armor Bob
Do you think I'm an idiot?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes.

Battle Armor Bob
STATEMENT!

Meanwhile, Chuck War, Deus Ex Machinas, and the Codger are once again slowly being pushed back, their circle growing tighter.

Codger
Wait a minute... wait a minute!

Chuck War
What? Huh-- oof!

Codger
You see those patches on their clothes?

Deus Ex Machinas
You mean the crests in the shape of a large dewy eye?

Codger
These ninjas belong to the Clan of the Manga Eye! [[Hold!]]

He calls out in somewhat rusty Japanese.

Codger
[[ Warriors of the Manga Eye! I am the Codger, once known as the Blue Prowler! I once helped your Master, Yoshipiro-sensai, to recover the Guardian Gem of your Clan!]]

Ninja #1
[[ You claim to be the Blue Prowler, Old Man? Surely it cannot be! ]]

Codger
[[ It is true. ]]

Ninja #4
[[ The Blue Prowler is an eternal friend of the Clan. It would be a great dishonour to raise arms against him. ]]

Ninja #5
[[ If you are lying, old man, we will kill you for the shame you bring upon our Clan and the name of the Blue Prowler! ]]

Codger
[[ I can prove that I am he. The Blue Prowler is the only man outside the Clan in five hundred years to lay eyes upon the Guardian Gem, was he not? ]]

Ninja #4
[[ This is so. ]]

Ninja #1
[[ Yes! Describe the Guardian Gem to us, Old Man, and we shall see. ]]

Codger
[[ It is an emerald, the size of my fist, formed in the shape of an eye. It has the true name of the Hidden Man painted in gold on it's superior facet. ]]

Ninja #1
[[ Aiee! It is true! ]]

The ninjas drop their weapons and fall to their knees.

Ninja #4
[[ We beg your forgiveness, Prowler-san! ]]

Deus Ex Machinas
What's going on?

Codger
They just realized I'm an old friend of the Clan. [[ You must stop your brothers from fighting, and let us pass to the cavern below. ]]

Ninja #5
[[ Prowler-san, it cannot be done! Our Clan is in thrall to the hated ICBC, and we must not let your allies pass! ]]

Ninja #1
[[ Jerry-san! You would deepen our shame by refusing the blood brother of our Master? ICBC is without honour. We shall do as you say, Prowler-san. Brothers! Cease your warfare, these are friends of the Clan! ]]

The ninjas battling Reaper stop in their tracks. Reaper stays his scythe, millimeter's from one opponent's neck.

Reaper
[quizzical silence, in Japanese]

Ninja #4
[[ The old man you see before you is none other than the Blue Prowler! We must step aside and allow them to go below. ]]

Codger
Thank you, sir.

Ninja #4
[to Chuck War] Please accept our humble apologies. Allies of the Blue Prowler have nothing to fear from the Clan of the Manga eye.

Helium Girl
Oops. I guess we shouldn't have killed those guys...

Ninja #5
It is price enough for the dishonour of fighting a friend of the Clan.

Meanwhile, oblivious to the impromptu truce on the other side of the Cave, Hydrogen Guy and Battle Armor Bob continue their battle mecho-a-mecho.

Their energy weapons nearly exhausted, and shields strained to the breaking point, they have switched to direct physical combat. Battle Armor Bob hefts a massive rock over his head, and hurls it at Hydrogen Guy. HG doesn't dodge in time, and it slams into his shields. They short out and collapse as the rock shatters against it.

Battle Armor Bob
This is getting old, Hydrogen Guy - time to finish it!

A small grenade launcher pops out from his left arm and fires. The grenade strikes HG on the chest and explodes, knocking him back against the cave wall.

Hydrogen Guy
Augh!!

He shakes off the effect of the blast. He hears a high pitched whine - he looks at the flashing red display on his helmet.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Battle Armor Bob takes aim with a second grenade.

Battle Armor Bob
Arrivaderci, HG!

Hydrogen Guy
Arrgh!

Hydrogen Guy launches himself at Battle Armor Bob, wraps his arms around the villain's chest and locks his gripper claws together.

Battle Armor Bob
HEY!

Hydrogen Guy
Emergency eject! C'mon!

Hydrogen Guy
I'm not gonna miss this computer.

Battle Armor Bob
At least we'll go out together, sweetie. Remember me to 232nd street!

Hydrogen Guy flinches as the blade shreds through his cape and nearly takes off a layer of skin. A bony hand pulls him out through the newly cut hole and hurls him aside.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! Are you okay?

Hydrogen Guy
Uhh.. fine, fine.

Deuterium Boy helps him to his feet. They survey the damage. Hydrogen Guy's mech is now just so much shrapnel littered across the Cave. Battle Armor Bob has been driven half a foot into a nearby wall, the front half of his battle armor is split open like sardine tin opened with a brick of firecrackers. Bob himself is.. well, a mess.

Hydrogen Guy
What happened to Reaper?

A pile of shrapnel shifts and clatters as the Minion of Death pulls himself to his feet. He seems none the worse for wear, despite momentarily leaning on his scythe for support.

Reaper
[dazed silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Reaper, I've said it before, I'll say it again - you are THE MAN.

Reaper
[demure silence]

Deuterium Boy
Now, what about -- the ninjas! They're gone!

The others look around in surprise. The ninjas, stealthy as shadows, had slipped away during all the hubbub.

Codger
I doubt we'll have any more trouble from those boys - they're good kids, just a little mixed up, if you get my drift.

Deus Ex Machinas
I think I've spotted the tunnel that the villains drilled up from Abaddon.

Chuck War
All right - let's go.

Trudeau
Merde! Damn those ninjas!

He switches off the viewing screen.

Crustacean
They'll be here any second. Pu Wing Fu, get ready.

Pu Wing Fu
Are we going for ice cream?

Crustacean
No, we're killing human superheroes.

Pu Wing Fu
I would've preferred a double-dip cone, but that'll be fun too.

She reaches under the conference table and pulls out a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

Trudeau
Where the devil did that come from?

Pu Wing Fu
Portugal!

Crustacean
I've found it best not to ask her such questions.

Dumnoric rushes in from the next room.

Dumnoric
No sign of the rest of the ninjas. Did they take the philosopher's wort?

Trudeau
No, they didn't know to look for it.

Crustacean
The spice is just a means to an end, gentlemen. We can easily defeat the powerless Hydrogen Guy and his minions.

Trudeau
It's the red one I'm worried about - who is that?

Deus Ex Machinas
Why don't you come find out, Senator?

The villains turn to find our strike force of Justice emerging from the corridor to the drilling site.

Trudeau
Well -- if it isn't Mr. James Evans and Mr. David Marcolin. I've been looking forward to this meeting for a while.

Hydrogen Guy
What are you talking about?

Trudeau
I'd say that in the future you should check for listening devices before having personal conversations in your Cave in the future, Hydrogen Guy, only there won't be any future for you.

Hydrogen Guy
Stuff it, Trudeau. We have you out-numbered, out-gunned and out -- scythed. Surrender peacefully and we might not kick the crap out of you.

Trudeau
Ha ha ha ha... surrender? What for? Tell me, Hydrogen Guy, what crime have we committed? Who have we killed? What have we stolen? Under what section of Canada's criminal code would you expect us to be prosecuted, may I ask?

Deuterium Boy
How about attempted murder?

Helium Girl
You poisoned us, you creeps!

Trudeau
You look in perfect health to me. And correct me if I'm wrong, but even your vaunted Super-Heroes Act doesn't make stripping you of your powers a crime.

Hydrogen Guy
What about destruction of property and theft?

Dumnoric
Are you talking about -- this, Hydrogen Guy?

He holds out the Ruler of Elendil.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm surprised you can even hold it, you black-hearted viper. It can only be wielded by the pure of heart.

Dumnoric
Or those skilled enough to tap into its powers by other means.

He grasps it by its hilt and raises it like a sword. The Ruler glows a dull, ominous red.

Trudeau
I wouldn't blame you for taking it away from him. I'm not sure I like the idea either. But Hydrogen Guy -- you know that secret hideouts and mystic artifacts fall into a somewhat grey area as far as conventional law is concerned.

Chuck War
Well, I've got the unconventional law right here. This place looks like a Tonarzi clearance sale. I hearby charge you with - let's see, at least twenty-four violations of Galactic Treaty T-655, including but not limited to possession of --

Trudeau
Mr. Dumnoric?

Dumnoric mutters an incantation, and a red ball of energy appears on the tip of the Ruler. Using the Ruler like a lacrosse stick he hurls the sphere at the heroes. It expands rapidly into a glassy red cylindrical force-field, trapping Chuck War, Reaper, the Codger and Deus Ex Machinas!

Codger
Hey! Let us outta here, you damned warlock!

Reaper bashes at the walls of the prison with his mono-planar scythe. The force-field resonates, but the blade does no damage. Deus Ex Machinas tries punching through, then zapping it directly, still with no apparent effect.

Codger
Yow! Careful, sonny, you'll fry the rest of us if you're not careful. War, don't even think about using that pop-gun in here.

Helium Girl
Hey! That's no fair, they're the ones with all the super-powers!

Crustacean
Precisely, my mono-atomic ditz - leaving you for us to destroy! Pu Wing Fu - kill!

Pu Wing Fu
Yay!

She fires the rocket launcher. The Elementals scatter frantically, and the rocket bounces off Dumnoric's force shield. It veers off and hits the viewscreen, demolishing the conference area in the explosion.

Pu Wing Fu
Oops!

Crustacean
Imbecile! Use your sword!

She hurls the empty rocket launcher at Deuterium Boy and draws the Katanna of Blood (don't ask from where, I don't know), and goes chasing after Helium Girl. Trudeau draws his rapier, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy draw their sabres.

Trudeau
I was hoping for a rematch against you, Hydrogen Guy - en garde!

Hydrogen Guy
Have at you, Black Rose!

Deuterium Boy
Oh, sure, leave me to fight against the Ruler!

He ducks just as Dumnoric swings with the intention of separating Deuterium Boy's head and neck. Deuterium Boy strikes out at Dumnoric with his fist, hitting him soundly in the stomach. DB springs back out of Dumnoric's reach as Dumnoric recovers his balance.

Dumnoric
OOOF! ... You will pay for that, Deuterium Boy!

Meanwhile, Hydrogen Guy and Trudeau begin their fierce exchange of attacks, parries, advances and retreats.

Hydrogen Guy
Let's make this quick, Trudeau, I want to get my Ruler back from Dumnoric.

Trudeau
Oh, it will be quick indeed, Hydrogen Guy. We both know that without the Ruler augmenting your abilities, I am the superior fencer.

A pair of quick slashes, clumsily deflected by Hydrogen Guy, illustrate his point.

Trudeau
Not to mention, while you have grown older since our last match, I have grown younger!

Hydrogen Guy
Still not enough, Trudeau - ha!

He leaps backwards onto a table and aims a kick to Trudeau's head. Trudeau deflects it with his sword, which distracts him enough for Hydrogen Guy to score a couple of shoulder hits.

Trudeau
Aah! Hydrogen Guy, you're only making me angry..

Meanwhile, Dumnoric attacks again with the Ruler. Deuterium Boy parries with his sword, but when the blades make contact, Deuterium Boy is blasted back by a surge of evil magic energy!

Deuterium Boy
ARRRRGH!!!

Dumnoric
This is what the Ruler can do in competent hands, Deuterium Boy!

Red arcs of magical current shoot out from the tip of the Ruler and pin Deuterium Boy to the ground.

Dumnoric
Die, Deuterium Scum!

Deuterium Boy
EEEEERRRRRGG!!

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy!

He leaps off the table and attacks Trudeau with a flurry of blows, which Trudeau skillfully parries.

Trudeau
Forget it, Evans, I'm not letting you off that easily. Watch your friend die and then join him!

Meanwhile, Pu Wing Fu has been keeping Helium Girl on the run with her Katanna of Blood, whose blade is coated with the poisonous secretions of a rare Andean goat. The Crustacean clings to Pu Wing Fu's head by his claws.

Pu Wing Fu
Ha! Ho! Hee! Hi!

Helium Girl
Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Crustacean
Stop playing with her, you fool, and kill her!

Pu Wing Fu
You're no fun.

The panda redoubles her onslaught, slowly backing Helium Girl into a corner. With a penultimate slash she knocks the sabre out of Helium Girls hand, causing her to stumble. She flings out her hands to break her fall, slips, and crashes to the ground.

Helium Girl
Owie! *gasp*

Pu Wing Fu raises the Katanna for the finishing blow. Helium Girl stares at her hands in horror.

Helium Girl
You made me break, oh my god -- three, no, four nails! You're BEAR-MEAT!

Helium Girl springs up, knees Pu Wing Fu in the stomach and pastes her across the muzzle. The Katanna flies out of the panda's paws. Helium Girl follows up with a powerful karate kick, and then another, and another, driving Pu Wing Fu across the Cave.

Dumnoric
This "Emporer Palpatine" game is getting old, Deuterium Boy. Time to finish the job!

Deuterium Boy
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Hydrogen Guy
DEUTERIUM BOY!

Hydrogen Guy throws himself at Trudeau, trying to push past him to reach Dumnoric. Trudeau brings his sword up, ready for Hydrogen Guy to blindly impale himself upon it.

Suddenly a huge furry mass slams into him, flattening him to the ground! Hydrogen Guy stumbles over the collided bodies, picks himself up, and then leaps at Dumnoric.

Hydrogen Guy
HYAAAAH!!

Dumnoric
ARGH!

Dumnoric's concentration is shattered and the energy bolts break off. As Deuterium Boy painfully hauls himself to his knees, Hydrogen Guy clouts Dumnoric on the head with the hilt of his sword. The villain topples over, unconscious. With Dumnoric out, the force-field surrounding their friends vanishes.

Reaper
[relieved silence]

Chuck War
Yes!

Deus Ex Machinas
Nice work, Helium Girl!

Codger
Bit sloppy, mind you, but it worked.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy, are you all right?

Helium Girl
Did you see what she made me do to my nails?

Hydrogen Guy
My heart goes out to you. DB?

He helps Deuterium Boy struggle to his feet.

Deuterium Boy
Unnnhh... Bo? Uncle Jesse? Did Daisy get the donkey to the orphanage?

Hydrogen Guy
You'll be fine, Luke, just have a seat here in the General Lee.

Chuck War and Deus Ex Machinas go to the struggling mound of fur and Italian tailoring and haul them apart. Chuck War aims his trains his gun on them.

Chuck War
Now, as I was saying -- I hearby charge you with twenty-four violations of Galactic Treaty T-655, --

Crustacean
Idiot humans!

Helium Girl
Hydrogen Guy, like, look out!

The Crustacean, squirming out from underneath Pu Wing Fu, spots Hydrogen Guy and springs at him. Hydrogen Guy's back is turned, and Helium Girl's warning comes too late. The Crustacean latches onto the back of Hydrogen Guy's neck with his powerful right claw, and hangs dangling down his back.

Hydrogen Guy
Augh!

Crustacean
One false move, Hydrogen Guy, and I can sever your head from your thorax. I doubt even your Reaper can move fast enough to stop me.

Hydrogen Guy
Nice to see you again, Crusty. You look well.

Crustacean
Silent!

He squeezes slightly. Hydrogen Guy winces in pain. Several small trickles of blood flow down the side of his neck.

Crustacean
The rest of you -- drop your weapons. Now, or he dies.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't listen to him. Augh!

Crustacean
It will not take much pressure, Hydrogen Guy. Do it.

The others comply.

Crustacean
You - the red one. Stand where I can see you.

Deus slowly steps out from in front of Hydrogen Guy.

Crustacean
Good. Now, Hydrogen Guy -- I will have my revenge for when you left me for dead in the Ottawa River.

Hydrogen Guy
You're a coward, Crustacean. You stay lurking in the background while others do your fighting for you, you hide inside alien machines, even now when I'm supposedly under your control you won't face me.

Crustacean
I have stayed alive, Hydrogen Guy, which is more than I can say for idiots like Ballistier.

Hydrogen Guy
Our loss, I suppose.

Crustacean
No, Hydrogen Guy, prepare to --

A gun shot rings through the cavern and the Crustacean is ripped off of Hydrogen Guy's neck. Most of him, anyway - the gripping claw stays dangling from HG's neck, while pieces of the rest of the Crustacean are scattered around a small area by the high caliber bullet.

Everyone looks in shock at the figure holding the gun and stepping out of the corridor.

Deus Ex Machinas
Desdemona!

She blows the smoke off her pistol and slips it in her pocket.

Deuterium Boy
Nice shooting.

Desdemona
Thanks.

Hydrogen Guy grimaces as he works the claw off his neck.

Hydrogen Guy
No, thank you.

Chuck War
OOF!

Distracted by Desdemona's dramatic entrance, Chuck War is rewarded by a blow to the stomach from Trudeau. The villain turns and runs.

Pu Wing Fu
Wait for me!

Pu Wing Fu takes off after him.

Helium Girl
I'll get them! I still have, like, a score to settle with that bear!

Brandishing her sword threateningly, she chases after them. The others turn back to Desdemona.

Desdemona
I thought I owed you after screwing things up for you earlier.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry, after that sharp-shooting, we're even. You just rid me of a colossal pain in the neck.

Chuck War
Uooh... is he dead?

Deuterium Boy
The bits of him I can see from here don't look too lively to me.

Hydrogen Guy
You have some antenna or something on your cape there, DB.

Desdemona
Dave... I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me, I just... forgive me?

Deuterium Boy
Don't worry about it, it'll come out in the wash. Ick, that's disgusting...

Hydrogen Guy
Think there's enough left to cook?

Desdemona
That's not what I mean, you dingus! I mean, for earlier...

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, I know. I'll forgive you. Just get me that file.

Desdemona
I can't. I'm out of the CIA. They -- yes?

Deus Ex Machinas is standing next to her, grinning like an idiot. He pulls off his wool cap, and the bio-armor dissolves...

Desdemona
Lonnie!!

She flings herself into his arms, kissing him passionately.

Codger
Someone mind telling me what the hell's going on?

Reaper
[reiterative silence]

Codger
Never mind, I'll catch it on the recap.

Desdemona pulls herself away from Lonnie.

Lonnie
Gna!

Desdemona
Carrot, why the hell didn't you tell me you were a superhero?!

Lonnie
I, well, I wasn't one! Until today, I mean.

Chuck War
I thought you seemed kind of green.

Lonnie
After the cab dropped you off, I just had him drive around and around... When the fare broke the $50 mark, the driver made me get out.

Desdemona
Oh, Carrot...

Lonnie
Lucky there was this bar nearby, so I went in to drink myself into oblivion. Just as I was getting ready to get good and drunk, this strange guy comes up to me and tells me that something called the Manifold needed me to be their agent on Earth, or something. Of course I didn't believe him, until he handed me this cap and told me to put it on. I did, and then whammo! Super powers.

Codger
Same old, same old.

Hydrogen Guy
This guy didn't tell you his name was N by any chance, did he?

Lonnie
You know him?

Hydrogen Guy
It figures... yeah, I know him. Arrogant numskull.

Desdemona
Oh, Lonnie... I was convinced I'd never see you again.

Lonnie
Yeah. So was I.

Desdemona
I got in a whole shitload of trouble when I told the Agency what I'd been doing while they thought I was dead. They were going to suspend me and haul me back to Washington immediately, but I quit instead. Well, broke out, actually. They're probably looking for me.

Lonnie
Heh. Tell you what - I'm in need of a henchperson for a little while, and in exchange I'll keep you away from the CIA.

Desdemona
What kind of henching did you have in mind?

Lonnie
Something strenuous...

Hydrogen Guy
[aside to DB] Jealous yet?

Deuterium Boy
Not in the slightest. Psycho-hose beast.

Desdemona
I heard that, Marcolin!

Hydrogen Guy
I hate to interrupt, but we should --

Dumnoric
Fools! I cannot be defeated so easily!

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, nuts.

Chuck War
Now see what you let happen?

Lonnie quickly pulls the cap back over his head and once again transforms into Deus Ex Machinas.

Dumnoric
The others were imbeciles, Hydrogen Guy. But now they are gone - and I have both the Ruler, and the philosopher's wort. And I've developed a little something which I'm hoping you'll find - fatal.

Dumnoric grasps the Ruler one hand on each end and raises it above his head.

Dumnoric

Deuterium Boy
He's speaking in Wingdings.

Hydrogen Guy
That can't be good.

The Ruler starts to glow a fiery, ominous red, and it rises from his hands and floats in space above him. Slowly it starts to spin, faster and faster...

Chuck War
Yeah, I don't like this.

Reaper
Yeep!

From the corridor behind them - the one leading back up to the Hydrogen Cave - comes an ominous rumble. Suddenly a rush of wind bursts from the corridor, powerful enough to knock the assembled heroes to their feet. Deus clutches Desdemona tightly, while Reaper and Chuck War hold the Codger steady to keep him from being hurled to the ground.

A fine powder begins to blow into the room, like crystalline sand from some idealized beach. The powder swirls in a dervish around Dumnoric and the Ruler, now spinning so rapidly it appears to be hellish red disk. The powder keeps pouring into the room until it surrounds Dumnoric in a translucent curtain.

Deus
Should we be doing anything to stop this?!

Deuterium Boy
I don't think there is anything we can do! Hydrogen Guy? Hydrogen Guy, what's wrong?

Hydrogen Guy is clutching his head, grimacing in pain.

Hydrogen Guy
The Ruler ... it's calling me... great torment... speaking like... Shatner...

Dumnoric
THE PHILOSOPHER'S WORT RESPONDS TO NO MAGIC IN EARTH OR HEAVEN -- EXCEPT FOR THE RULER OF ELENDIL!

The whirling spice collapses upon him, and forming the body of a huge demonic creature.

Deuterium Boy
Let's see - fifteen feet tall, six horns, spiked tail, massive leathery wings, razor sharp claws -- baalrog, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Better ... make it a spice-rog.

Spice-rog
RAAAARRRR!!!

Deuterium Boy
Breathes magical fire! A greater spice-rog.

Chuck War
EAT PLASMA, BEAST!

Blissfully unaware of the ultimate battle between Good and Evil shaping up above her, Helium Girl continues her pursuit of Trudeau and Pu Wing Fu. She runs them to ground in the lowest chamber of Abaddon

The room is filled by a massive machine - an engine of frighteningly advanced technological design. Trudeau is just closing up a panel as Helium Girl arrives, panting.

Pu Wing Fu
AAAH! She-Devil!

She leaps behind Trudeau and cowers.

Trudeau
No now, my dear bear -- if it isn't the charming Helium Girl. You're looking enchanting my dear - cheeks aglow, chest heaving, panting fetchingly...

Helium Girl
Get bent, buddy.

She points her blade in his direction.

Helium Girl
I want the bear.

Pu Wing Fu
Eep!

Helium Girl
Oh, and you're, like, under arrest, too.

Trudeau chuckles.

Trudeau
I don't think so, my dear. Do you recognize this machine?

Helium Girl
No.

Trudeau
It is a motive core of the kind used by the Imperial Jelvan Star Empire. Fantastically powerful, as you can imagine. I have just set it to self-destruct. You, your friends, and the planet Earth for that matter, have exactly 343 seconds left to exist.

Helium Girl
WHAT?! You're -- you're insane!!

Trudeau
I have been described as such by some of the worlds better lunatics, my dear. As Mr. War observed, I have had a very close business relationship with my friends the Tonarzi over the years. The last thing I purchased from them was this little bauble.

He takes a remote control-like device from his jacket pocket.

Trudeau
A personal hyper-dimensional interporter, which will take me light-years away to safety. You may join me if you wish - I would be very glad of such charming company.

Helium Girl
I want you, to go have sexual relations with the wrong end of a kimodo dragon, and then, when you're filthy little -- thing is totally chewed off, go and throw yourself into the nearest ACTIVE VOLCANO!!

Trudeau shrugs.

Trudeau
Can't blame me for asking. Au revoir, Helium Girl. Pardon the inappropriate expression.

He activates the device, and a white rectangle of energy appears beside him. With a wave of his hand he steps through, Pu Wing Fu diving after him with a nervous glance over her shoulder. The doorway winks shut.

Helium Girl
SHIT!

She runs to the panel Trudeau had closed as she entered. A counter shows 299 seconds remaining.

Helium Girl
Okay... okay, Yolanda, think, remember your electronics videos... the Teletubbies will help you through this...

She looks at the panel.

Helium Girl
Oh God, how does this thing OPEN?

Directly above her, the best of the League of Heroes are throwing everything they have at the spice-rog.

Chuck War is running back and forth, worrying the beast with blasts from his plasma cannon. Deus Ex Machinas is pouring every amp of electrical power he has at it, while Desdemona empties round after round into what she hopes are the things' tender spots. None seem to be having any effect.

Even Reaper and his amazing mono-planar scythe are having little effect. He slashes and cuts the creature; it merely turns and swats him away. Deuterium Boy nervously contemplates that this is the first time he's ever seen Reaper appear worried.

Deuterium Boy and the Codger, their weapons pathetic next to the heavy stuff of their comrades, can do little but try and stay out of the way, and attend the pain stricken Hydrogen Guy. Even through the mental barriers Doug taught him, Hydrogen Guy feels like the Ruler, crying out to him in anguish against Dumnoric's corruption, is channeling a force ten migraine directly into his skull. He sits on the ground, his eyes pinched shut, holding his head.

Codger
How're you holding out, boy?

Hydrogen Guy
Errrg... nobody ever said... anything about... this... in magic weapons class...

Deuterium Boy
Everything's going to be fine, HG.

Codger
Liar.

Deuterium Boy
Fine. It'll all be fine. The Cosmic Pie won't abandon us.

Codger
What?

Chuck War
This isn't getting us anywhere! Conventional weapons can't affect it!

Desdemona
You call that thing conventional?

Chuck War
I mean non-magical!

Deus Ex Machinas
What can we do? Not even my powers or Death's minion can affect it!

Reaper
[fatalistic silence]

Chuck War
Keep trying! It's all we can do.

Spice-rog
HA HA HA!! DEATH! Death to you ALL!!!

Reaper flips it the finger.

Hydrogen Guy
Only I can stop it...

Deuterium Boy
What? How? With a sword?

Hydrogen Guy
No. By myself. It's my Ruler that's feeding it. It's calling out to ME.

Chuck War
You really want to die?!

Hydrogen Guy stands. He decision is made. The pain seems to subside, as if the Ruler was telling him the decision was the right one.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm ready to, if I needs must. That's what being a superhero is all about, isn't it? Not sitting around drinking lattés or making wise cracks, or fancy gadgets or even having superpowers. It's about will, and courage, and the willingness to sacrifice your life if it can somehow save others. None of those are things I've ever really had, until now, and that's why we're in this damn mess. If I'm going to die, it's not going to be the Doom of Noffras all over again. It'll be the Triumph of Evans.

Spice-rog
A Beautiful Speech, Hydrogen Guy! Come and fight me, then, let me tear your spine from your body and scratch with it!

Hydrogen Guy
Will you excuse me? I'm having a moment here.

Deuterium Boy
HG... Jim... Good luck. I'm here if you need help.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Dave, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Chuck War
It's an honour serving with you, HG. Give'em hell.

Codger
Good luck, son.

Desdemona
Be careful, don't let all that hero shit cloud your judgment.

Reaper
[silence]

Deus Ex Machinas
Hydrogen Guy - win or lose, I'll always remember this. There's no better role model someone starting out could have.

Hydrogen Guy
Call me HG, Dee. All my friends do.

Spice-rog
Can we fight now, or is this going to turn into the goddamn Brady Bunch?

Hydrogen Guy steps away from his friends and stands before the demon. He stares up into its eyes.

Hydrogen Guy
Come get some.

We find Helium Girl, having successfully open the access panel of the Jelvan motive core, shoulder deep in wires and strange components (some with "Radio Shack" labels still attached), trying to save the planet.

Helium Girl
Okay... there's the J-transducer coil... so this thingy must be the cross-flux Anderson circuit! Wait, is that right? Maybe it's para-flux... okay, think, remember Dipsy's song... "la la la hmm hmm trans-warp flux really doesn't suck, shunt it past the coil redux, la la la para, cross, who's the boss, cross when loads above 3 G!" Okay, yah, it's a cross-flux! So the over-shunt's gotta be here! Jeez, you'd think Jelvan engineers could wire a little better than this...

Hydrogen Guy
ARRRGH!!

Hydrogen Guy leaps and hurls himself at the beast. It reaches down and grabs him, struggling, and hauls him up to eye level.

Spice-rog
Ha ha! Pitiful, Hydrogen Guy! What do you think you can do? You are a weak, pitiful muggle. You death will be long so that you friends can enjoy it.

Hydrogen Guy
You may have the Ruler in there, Dumnoric, but you don't know it like I do. It has some tricks you'll never uncover.

Spice-rog
Oh really? Like what?

Hydrogen Guy
Like maybe ... this ...

Hydrogen Guy drops his mental barriers, and lets the Ruler's pain flood into him unabated. His senses become completely disconnect from the outside. With all his strength, he focuses on reaching back through the wave of pain and making contact with the core essence.

Dumnoric is fighting him. But Dumnoric must expend energy to keep the spice-rog spells from dissolving and the Ruler's true nature take over. He cannot fight both Hydrogen Guy and the Ruler at once.

Dumnoric's hold slips, and Hydrogen Guy slips mind and body into the spice-rog. The observers outside see the beast's outline shimmer, like a loose collection of sand, then solidify - with Hydrogen Guy gone!

Inside, Hydrogen Guy struggles to keep his link with the Ruler open. Dumnoric fights to close it - he is the more powerful of the two, Hydrogen Guy being simply a mundane, but his powers are divided. Hydrogen Guy reaches out -- and feels the Ruler in his hands!

The instant he makes contact, the Ruler rejects the evil magic of Dumnoric, like the body's immune system rejects disease carriers. The massive energies of the spice-rog are reflected back out, with catastrophic effect.

The shape of the spice-rog buckles and collapses, then explodes in a flash of blue light and heat. The watchers are knocked back by the searing blast, and temporarily blinded.

Deus Ex Machinas is the first to recover. He slowly rolls to his feet, blinks, and brushes the white ash-like powder off himself.

Deus Ex Machinas
Holy Hannah... what the hell was that? Hydrogen Guy?

A humanoid shape floats just above where the spice-rog had stood, glowing blue and luminous. It reaches out with one arm, and the appendage stretches out towards the others. It envelops Deuterium Boy, just blinking ash out of his eyes and wondering what had happened.

Deuterium Boy
Hey! Whoa! ARRR!

Chuck War
Dumnoric! He's attacking Deuterium Boy again!

Desdemona
No, wait...

The energy tendril releases Deuterium Boy and retracts. Deuterium Boy doubles over, coughing. He hacks up a mouthful of what appears to be the white ash.

Helium Girl appears at the mouth of the corridor downstairs. She triumphantly holds up a chunk of electronics, including several circuit boards, other strange components, and a digital counter blinking "001".

Helium Girl
Hey you guys! Guess who just saved the entire freakin' planet - whoa! Whoa, hey!

The energy being extends another tendril towards her and surrounds her as it did Deuterium Boy. It plays over her for several seconds, then retracts once more. Helium Girl, like Deuterium Boy, erupts in a coughing fit, hacking up more of the white gunk.

The energy being slowly sinks to the ground. The nimbus slowly fades and reveals - Hydrogen Guy. And the Ruler of Elendil.

Chuck War
Well... Great Feynman's Ghost.

Codger
He did it! By jingo, he did it!

Hydrogen Guy
Uhhh... shit, does my head hurt...

Deuterium Boy and the others run over to him. Helium Girl runs to join them, then suddenly stops.

Helium Girl
Hey -- hey!! I can smell again! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Wheeee!!!

Slowly she starts floating into the air, performs a few somersaults, and then touches down.

Helium Girl
Dave! Our powers are back!!

Deuterium Boy inhales deeply.

Deuterium Boy
Ozone... ethanol with trace impurities... burnt lobster... oh yeah. It's good to be an Elemental!

Chuck War
I'm completely lost.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy!

He props Hydrogen Guy's head up. His head lolls, then HG groggily opens his eyes.

Hydrogen Guy
Mary Jane?

Deuterium Boy
HG, you did it! Somehow you defeated the spice-rog, AND restored our powers!!

Hydrogen Guy
Uhhh... Dumnoric was right. The Ruler is the only thing that can manipulate the philosopher's wort. It -- neutralized it. I neutralized it. We -- damn, I don't know. Somehow I merged with the Ruler, tore apart the demon from the inside.

Codger
What about Dumnoric?

Hydrogen Guy
Gone. Absorbed -- into whatever magicks he was trying to control. He won't be back.

Deuterium Boy
Good job!

Desdemona
Lonnie?

Deus Ex Machinas
Yeah?

Desdemona
Kiss me, Carrot.

He reaches up to take off the cloth hat, but she stops him.

Desdemona
Leave the armor. I like it, it's kinky.

As they lock lips, Helium Girl kneels beside DB and HG.

Helium Girl
Hello? Savior of the Earth here!

Hydrogen Guy
How do you mean?

Helium Girl
Trudeau took off into some dimensional gate thingy and set this Jelvan warp engine to, like, explode and take the whole world with it. I disarmed it.

Deuterium Boy
Not bad! I think you pass your tech course!

Helium Girl
Thank you very much!

Hydrogen Guy
Helium Girl -- you are all that.

She tosses her hair and grins.

Helium Girl
And a side of fries, baby.

A mountain aerie somewhere in the Coastal Mountain range. The sky is a piercing blue, the mountains a stunning blue-grey like gigantic precious stones in a continent sized crown. All of this, however, is lost on Hans-Raoul, who is deep inside an ICBC mountain fortress, in a nearly pitch black room, and having a bad day besides.

Very little makes Hans-Raoul nervous. At least, not here. The few beings that can make him sweat are all Out There, far from this multiversal hideaway. But, he admits to himself, if any being in this insignificant shadow reality could unnerve him, it might be Him.

Hans-Raoul sits on a hard-backed wooden chair in the dark room, a spot of light focused on him. Two guards stand on either side of him. In front of him, somewhere in the darkness, was the ICBC Comptroller.

None ever saw Him. If they had, they were dead. The two guards had both been permanently blinded in an arcane ceremony, like the rest of His personal staff.

A voice - low and sibilant, a bass whisper - spoke from the darkness.

"Two hundred million dollars, Mr. Galerkin."

A long pause. Hans-Raoul fakes nerves by fidgeting.

"In the past five months, your manipulations have cost this organization two hundred million dollars. One hundred million alone for Mr. Trudeau's toys in the cavern. Almost fifty million on a failed referendum in Québec. Another twenty to buy various mid-rate criminals."

Pause.

"For what, Mr. Galerkin?"

Hans-Raoul remains silent, assuming it is a rhetorical question.

It is not. "Answer the question."

"To study and entrap Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, sir." It galled him to call the man sir. Although he almost deserved it.

"To kill them. You were hired to kill them."

Pause.

"They are still alive, Mr. Galerkin."

"Yes, sir."

"Not only that. Mr. Trudeau -- is missing, rumoured to have gone off-planet after attempting another ill-advised global annihilation. Mr. Dumnoric is also missing. Mr. Ballistier is clinging to life on life support - on our expense, I might add."

"Very kind of you, sir."

"Yes it is. And the Crustacean - genuinely dead."

"It may be another ruse -- "

"I have his claw hanging from the rearview of my car, Mr. Galerkin. The same claw with which he had Hydrogen Guy by the throat."

Pause.

"I had hopes, Mr. Galerkin, of offering all three of those gentlemen positions in this organization, especially Mr. Dumnoric. Dark mages are very valuable."

"Yes, sir."

"Mr. Galerkin, I am -- intensely, disappointed. You have wasted two hundred million dollars and almost a year of this organization's time without accomplishing what you were hired to do."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Yes. Yes you are, Mr. Galerkin. I would be perfectly in my rights to have you killed. You are a liability. There is one thing that an insurance company hates, and that is liability. But -- you still retain my respect."

"Thank you, sir."

"A failure as massive and all-encompassing as yours is awe-inspiring. You are capable of great things, Mr. Galerkin - you must merely apply yourself."

There is the sound of an office chair moving. Hans-Raoul hears the voice again, this time much closer.

"You have one year. One year from today, Mr. Galerkin. If the Diatomic Duo are not dead by December 31st, 2001 - then you are. Clear?"

Hans-Raoul clears his throat. Stifling a laugh - that this insignificant mensch should threaten him...

"Crystal. Sir."

"Show him out."

The guards grab him by the elbows and yank him out of the chair. He is manhandled out of the room, down a labyrinth of hallways, and then finally deposited in the lobby with a firm reminder to sign out and leave his pass with the commissionaire.

Hans-Raoul swears under his breath, calling down a truly creative and, in this universe utterly impossible, curse upon the Comptroller. It takes him a moment to realize the commissionaire is speaking to him.

"I'm sorry?"

"May I have your pass, sir?"

"Of course, I -- Karten?! What the hell are doing here? How did you get here?"

The faux-commissionaire leans back in his seat and smiles.

"I'm here to commiserate, old comrade. So, you got sent to the principal's office, did you? Been a naughty boy?"

Hans-Raoul pounds his fist on the desk. The marble splinters.

"He DARED to threaten me. That mortal WORM! 'You are capable of great things, Mr. Galerkin, you must merely apply yourself ' - if I wanted to hear that bullshit I'd go see my father, I sure as HELL not taking it from one of these goddamned talking APES!"

"Are you done?"

"I'm just getting started."

"I'll bet you feel better, though."

"Ha."

"Come on, let's go. We have work to do."

Hans-Raoul looks at him in surprise.

"Work? What, here?"

"No. Remember what I told you before, about the flow of time? I think I know how to swing it. We'll have to get some things together, and make a brief stop or two Out There."

"What about the Elementals?"

"You've been too full of them lately. It'll do you some good to get away for a bit."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. If I never saw this reality again, I'd be a happy man."

"You can buy me an ale in the Flashing Duck - I seem to remember you still owe me one."

"Oh yes, that'd make me feel much better. Lead the way, O Master of Time and Space."

Five minutes later, the commissionaire returns to find Hans-Raoul's pass on the desk, a crack in the marble, and the lobby empty.

Mid-January, the metropolis of Maple Ridge. The city is shivering under a rare flurry of snow. Drivers react as if Armageddon had arrived. The city hunts around and inquires whether a plow or two can be borrowed from Chilliwack. Folks with four-wheel drive flaunt the fact by driving over everything available, including meridians and the occasional Yugo - less the attack bug, of course.

The rest of the world is white, and cold, and wonderful.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy enter the Usual Coffee Shop, and stop to shake snow from their boots and capes. They approach the counter, where the java serf stands with his back to them, fiddling with coffee filters.

Hydrogen Guy
Hot chocolate is definitely in order. Make mine an extra large, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Am I still buying?

Hydrogen Guy
Two months! You promised me two months continuous drinkage, my counter-intelligencing friend.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, yeah... Excuse me? Hello?

The java serf turns around.

N
How can I help you boys?

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
N?!

N
At your service!

Hydrogen Guy
What in Einstein's name are you doing here?

N
Checking up on my boys, of course! Let me see, large hot chocolate, whip cream, light on the argon, and a heavy water mocha latté, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh, yeah, sure... checking up? On us?

N
Naturally. Do you know of any other Elementals around here? Other than the Covalent Blonde, of course, but she's in Victoria now.

Deuterium Boy
Along with Lonnie Peel and Desdemona.

N
That's right, it's why I'm making two stops.

Hydrogen Guy
Let me save you the trip - Helium Girl and Deus Ex Machinas are tearing a swath through Vancouver Island's criminal world.

N
And such a seamy one it must be, too. The average age in Victoria is, what, 73?

Deuterium Boy
Hey, they're doing okay.

N
I will grudgingly admit you trained her well. Get used to, there are more Elementals on the way.

Hydrogen Guy
What's that supposed to mean?

N
What do you think it means? There - are - more - Elementals - on the way. Maybe next Christmas I'll reveal the True Meaning of Listening Comprehension to you.

Deuterium Boy
Where are these Elementals coming from?

Hydrogen Guy
Do you mean they're coming now? What, already?

N
Patience, children, patience. All will be revealed in the fullness of time. In the meantime, don't forget your lesson about sitting around on you fat tushes getting overconfident, hm?

Hydrogen Guy
Just give us our damn drinks and go bother someone else, will you?

N
Fine, fine. Would you like them -- super-sized?

Deuterium Boy
We-ell...

N waggles his eyebrows.

N
No extra charge!

Deuterium Boy
Well, okay.

N
Your wish is my command!

He waves a hand and two giant mugs, easily several gallons each, appear on the counter, each loaded with several pounds of whipped cream.

Hydrogen Guy
N!!

N
Ooops, gotta run. Lonnie needs my sage advice, I feel. Luck boy!

He waves his hand again and vanishes. The regular java serf appears in his place.

Java Serf
Whoa -- dudes, those are massive!

Hydrogen Guy
Got a ladle?

Suddenly, the door bursts open - Gen X Man rushes into the coffee shop.

Gen X Man
Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy! Man, I'm glad I found you! There's - whoa, those are huge!

Hydrogen Guy
Want some whipped cream?

Gen X Man
Maybe later. You guys have to hurry. You're not gonna believe what just showed up downtown.

Deuterium Boy
Try us.

Hydrogen Guy
Come on, DB - duty calls!

They follow Gen X Man out of the shop, and Hydrogen Guy calls back to the java serf to run up another tab. The java serf stares bemused at the giant mugs.

Onwards and upwards, gentlemen.

[Fade to mocha. Roll credits]