Episode 67

Part II

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are called to a disaster site by Special Agent Parker, much to the chagrin of the MRPD's Detective Peterson. The house of the Holloran family has collapsed into what appears to be a sinkhole; Richard Holloran and his family have all been killed, though apparently not in the collapse of the house. Parker suggests that the deaths and the sinkhole are the work of angry badgers, possibly connected to the local legend of the Whonnock Badger-Man or King Badger. As the Diatomic Duo investigate further, they gather more evidence for Parker's seemingly crazy theory. They meet Lola Lakefront-Property at the Holloran house later in the day. During their investigation, they are attacked by badgers, and escape at the cost of the Tritium Truck. Now the investigation may hinge on a moonlight meeting between the Covalent Crusaders and the faerie informant Light Throat.

Feb. 2nd, 2002, 11:15 P.M.
Golden Ears Cinema, Haney Centre Mall, Maple Ridge

Jim Evans glanced at his watch as he hurried through the parking lot. He was already five minutes late meeting Katrina "Kate" Nereid, his date, and her friend; but he was preoccupied with his other meeting in half an hour. He fingered the cloth mask in his trench-coat pocket and wondered if he'd be able to pull this off.

He saw Kate in front of the theatre. He took a deep breath. She spotted him and smiled. She had straight, collar-length brown hair, and was dressed in a black blouse and slacks, and a brown bomber-style leather jacket.

Kate
Hey!

Evans
Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting, I couldn't find my keys --

Kate
That's so you.

He kissed her hello quickly.

Kate
Don't worry about it, I just got here myself.

Evans
Did you get the tickets?

Kate
Yup. I still can't believe you agreed to see Le Fou, La Pamplemousse, especially a late show. You must be expecting one hella payoff for this.

She arched her eyebrows.

Evans
No! I told you, the secret to enjoying movies like this is to expect them to be long, rambling and make no sense at all. Once you're in that mind-set, it's fun... Did your friend cancel out?

Kate
No, she's just around the corner making a call. Oh, here she comes!

Evans managed to keep his jaw from falling into his jacket pocket. Nonetheless, he broke into a sweat as the tall blond woman joined them, smiling.

Lola
So, finally, this is him!

Kate
Jim, this is my friend from university, Lola Lakefront-Property; Lola, Dr. James Diogenes Evans.

He smiled lopsidedly and extended his hand.

Evans
Nice to, er, meet you.

Lola
Likewise. I've been forced to hear her ranting about you for months, I'm glad to finally attach a face to the name.

Kate
I have not been ranting!

Lola
Sure, sure.

Kate
Everything all right?

Lola
Oh, yeah. I've got a friend doing some detective work for me. I might have to slip out and make some more calls during the movie.

Kate
Ooh, what are you tracking down?

Lola
Nothing.

Kate
Come on!

Lola
I'll tell you later.

Evans swallowed. This did not sound good.

Evans
D'you guys want to go in?

Kate
Yeah, we should. Might as well get good seats.

They join those trickling into the building. Inside the lobby, Lola turned to Evans.

Lola
Jim, have we met before?

Evans
Sorry?

Lola
You seem vaguely familiar. Especially your voice.

Evans
I'm very nondescript.

Kate
You are not. You stop hitting on my beau.

Lola
Oh, as if. No offense, Jim.

Evans
None taken. No, seriously, lots of people think they've met me before when they haven't.

Kate
Jim, seriously, how could anyone ever forget having met you? You're a one of a kind.

You're not helping, dear, he thought.

Evans
Well... I am a fairly well-known scientist, I've been on the radio a couple times and TV once...

Lola
That's probably it. I thought it might have been in person, but whatever... Ooh, popcorn!

Kate
We'll meet you in the theatre.

Lola
Right. Remember, I don't want to come in there and find you two necking.

Kate
Jealous.

Jim mentally cursed himself as he and Kate went inside the theatre. It would complicate slipping out to meet DB and Light Throat, he thought, if Lola saw him. If Lola realized he reminded her of Hydrogen Guy. And especially if Lola was trying to track down where they were meeting Light Throat. Dammit, he thought, why did I have to show off in front of her this afternoon? I was ready to give the whole thing away, I practically invited her to show up. Look at me, I'm so smart, I'm meeting with the faeries again! Doesn't that just make you want to sleep with me?

He shook his head. That wasn't really what he was trying to do, was it? That was just something DB teased him about... Life was a lot simpler when this was just about bloodthirsty badgers...

Kate
Hey, Mars Lander, you reading me?

Evans
Huh? Sorry, just preoccupied...

She snuggled closer to him in her seat.

Kate
Work? Or just heavy weather up there?

She tapped his temple with her finger. He smiled and laid his head on hers.

Evans
The latter. Sorry, it's been one of those days. The movie will help.

Kate
Sure, nothing like a Parisian art flick to discourage introspection and navel gazing... You're not creeped out by Lola, are you? I know she can be abrupt. She's a reporter, she can't help it...

Evans
Oh, that's what it is. I figured she was just another weirdo from your collection.

She poked him in the ribs. Lola arrived with a tub of popcorn and two large ice teas just as Jim threatened to take Kate two out of three throws in the tickling ring.

Lola
Hey hey! What'd I tell you two?

Kate
Cheese it, the cops!

Evans
You're mean!

Lola
No popcorn for you...

She squeezed past them and sat on Kate's other side, passing her one of the ice teas. As Lola settled in, the curtains parted signaling the beginning of the previews.

About ten minutes into the movie, the protagonist had apparently bicycled halfway across France and had a brief but disappointing sexual encounter with a busboy, all without a single line of dialogue or note of music.

Jim checked his watch. Time to make his move. He glanced quickly to his left - Lola and Kate were both absorbed in what passed for the movie.

He gently nudged Kate in the ribs. She turned her face up to his, and he briefly felt goopy. Steel yourself, he said. Work to be done.

Evans
[whispering] Think anything's likely to happen for a while?

Kate
[whisp.] You kidding? It'll be at least another twenty minutes before anyone even says anything. They're setting the atmosphere.

Evans
[whisp.] Great. I'm going to the washroom. Be right back.

Kate
[whisp.] Do it before you leave next time!

He slipped out giving her a parting poke in the ribs and glancing again at Lola, making sure she was still involved with the film.

Once in the lobby, he headed for the men's room. He had the washroom to himself, fortunately; that meant he didn't need to waste any time. He found the windows - seven feet above the floor, each a mere 12 by 18 inches and incapable of being opened more than a few inches. He was in luck, several were propped open. One moment Jim Evans was standing beneath the row of windows, the next minute he had vanished.

He re-coalesced in an alley behind the mall. He pulled the fabric "casual" HG mask from his pocket and tied it on; hopefully that would be enough to disguise him from Light Throat and any casual passersby. Lola, on the other hand --

A whiff of perfume and alcohol crossed his atomic senses. The aromatic compounds in the cologne allowed him to guess it as Ennui, popular with the goth crowd. He crept towards the mouth of the alley. A group of apparently under-aged highschool students were loitering around, dressed in black clothes of varying eccentricity and passing a bottle around. Another whiff told him it was Jim Beam, from a bottle first opened about six months ago, probably from somebody's parents' liquor cabinet. None of his business right now, he thought.

One of the kids - a rather lanky, pimply-looking boy - was wearing a feathery jacket that came down to his ankles. That might do the trick... He took off his trench-coat and stuffed it behind a pile of cardboard. Underneath he wore a blue mock-turtleneck and black jeans.

Hydrogen Guy crept around to the mouth of the alley and stepped into the light of the street-lamp. The teenagers stopped talking and stared at him.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, buddy - how much do you want for that coat?

Lola Lakefront-Property was deeply absorbed in the protagonist's struggle to fit in with the breakfast conventions of the bourgeoisie when her cell phone started vibrating. She nearly jumped out of her seat. Damn, it was probably Kim --

Kate
[whisp.] What's up?

Lola
[whisp.] Sorry, I gotta take this call...

Kate nodded and scrunched her knees to let Lola pass. Lola looked briefly at Jim's empty seat in surprise, then rushed out of the theatre.

In the glare of the lobby, she yanked out her phone and flipped it open.

Lola
Kim?

A female voice came over the phone.

Kim
Yeah, it's me.

Lola
What's happening? Where are you?

Kim
Haney Centre parking lot.

Lola
What?! That's where I am!

Kim
I don't see you.

Lola
I mean I'm in the theatre! Watching that stupid French movie...

Kim
Le Fou, La Pamplemousse? I heard that was good.

Lola
Kim, what's going on?

Lola Lakefront-Property had not reached her current place in life by floating blissfully along. She grabbed for rings and took bulls by their horns. So when Hydrogen Guy let his testosterone short-circuit his brain (again) and told her about the meeting with Light Throat, she immediately - well, as soon as they'd gotten back to town - called her PI friend, Kim Cho, and asked her to go on a moonlight stakeout. Although the hero hadn't told her the place for the meet, Kim said that a surprising number of clandestine meetings took place at the Beast. So they took a chance and Kim watched the Beast. At about quarter after eleven, she had called to tell Lola that, sure thing, Deuterium Boy had shown up and seemed to be waiting for someone.

Kim
About quarter to eleven, subject D was joined by a well-dressed man, blond.

Lola
Did you get a look at his ears?

Kim
Yeah, you were right. They were pointed. Weirdest thing I've ever seen. Anyway, D and Mr. Spock talked for about a minute, then started to walk. Spock didn't seem happy. I followed them to the mall parking lot, where they waited for about two minutes before being joined by a guy wearing feathers.

Lola
A yellow feather in his hat?

Kim
No, a coat covered in black feathers. And sequins. It's a little small on him. No hat, but he did have a mask. Otherwise, his colour scheme seems to indicate he's subject H.

Lola
Why the get-up?

Kim
I couldn't say. I took plenty of pics with the night filter, though.

Lola
Good girl. Are you still in your car?

Kim
Yeah. They haven't seen me, unless Spock's got super-sight and he's playing it cool.

Lola
Get out the parabolic mike, I want a tape of what they're saying.

Kim
Just a sec...

Lola heard her shift the phone to her other ear and start setting up the equipment. Then there was silence for several seconds.

Lola
Kim? You still there?

Kim
Yeah... hang on, I must be getting radio interference or something...

More silence, broken intermittently by Kim swearing softly in English and Korean.

Lola
Kim? What's happening?

Kim
Dammit... Lola, I'm pointing the goddamn mike right at them, but I'm getting nothing but music.

Lola
Music?

Kim
Yeah. The goddamn mike must be broken, or something. Here, listen...

She brought the microphone's ear-piece up to the phone. After traveling through Kim's mike and the cell phone, the sound was more than a little tinny, but Lola could clearly hear gay, toe-tapping Celtic fiddle music to make any Cape Bretoner head for the kitchen and start dancing.

Lola sighed.

Lola
Kim? Kim?

Kim
Yeah, I'm back. Lola, I'll try another spot, maybe try to get closer --

Lola
Forget it, Kim. He knows you're there, and he's jamming you. You won't hear anything with the mike tonight. I'm also willing to bet none of those pictures you took turn out, either. Thanks for trying, Kim. Better pack it in and head home.

Kim
What do you mean? Lola, who is this Spock guy?

Lola sighed again, gloomily. Well, Kim deserved the truth, however weird...

Lola
He's a faerie, Kim. And I don't mean one of the pink triangle crowd.

Kim
You're joking.

Lola
No. Kim, get out of there, it could get dangerous.

Kim
Roger Wilco... I mentioned I charge double for supernatural subjects, right?

Lola
Sure. I'll see you tomorrow.

She hung up. She stood in the lobby for several minutes, wrestling with whether to sneak out of the theatre and eavesdrop in person. No, that'd be plain stupid. She was not, she reminded herself, going to play Lois Lane for some hero in -- a feathered jacket?

She shrugged and headed back into the theatre.

Hydrogen Guy found the shadow where Deuterium Boy and their guest were waiting. Light Throat looked as he remembered him - thin, blond, with attractive delicate features, wearing a dark green trench-coat and a charcoal grey suit. He looked slightly cross.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm here. I'm sorry for the diversion --

Light Throat
Understand something, mortal - when I set a time and place, I expect you to adhere to them without excuse. And I expect you to take appropriate precautions that we are not followed or observed.

He gazed into the parking lot. Hydrogen Guy followed his gaze to a dark sedan across the lot.

Deuterium Boy
I didn't see them before --

Light Throat
They were very careful. I've taken care of it. Though you were unforgivably sloppy.

Hydrogen Guy looked suitably chastised.

Hydrogen Guy
I beg your forgiveness.

The Faerie nodded.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm glad to see you're still alive.

Light Throat
I was able to explain the disappearance of the remains to Oberon's satisfaction - with some help from highly-placed friends. It was costly, but I accomplished what I needed.

Deuterium Boy
Now you have something for us about the Holloran case?

Light Throat nodded again. Looking at his shoes, he chose his words carefully.

Light Throat
You and your friend in the SHVD are correct. The family was murdered by the badgers of King Badger, the badger wendigo of your eastern forest. The girl's throat was slit by his claws. Richard Holloran, as you may know, was owner of the company Holloran Geological. Holloran had been conducting surveys in King Badger's forest, in the employ of your provincial government. They believe there may be significant silver deposits in the area, and they want to exploit them.

Hydrogen Guy
It's an exploiting kind of government.

Light Throat
All of them are. The badger tribe and others in the forest were becoming nervous... so it was "suggested" that King Badger take action.

Deuterium Boy
By whom?

Light Throat
I'm here, am I not?

Deuterium Boy
Ah.

Hydrogen Guy
Your people have an interesting interpretation of the word "truce".

Light Throat
And is that so different from the actions of your people among themselves?

Hydrogen Guy
No, I'm sorry to say.

Deuterium Boy
So, who or what is this King Badger?

Light Throat
That is an interesting story... In your year 1989, a fourteen-year-old named Estevan Crumpet escaped from the Westview Juvenile Detention Centre and disappeared into the forest of northeast Whonnock. Two days later, searchers found traces of human blood on a tree and other signs of a recent confrontation with a bear. No other remains were found, and Crumpet was eventually given up as dead.

Hydrogen Guy
But...?

Light Throat
The boy Crumpet was in fact mauled by a bear, very badly, on the night of his escape. The bear most certainly would have killed the boy, if she hadn't been frightened off by a cete of badger shamans.

Deuterium Boy
Badger shamans?

Light Throat
That is very difficult to explain in a way that you, with your physical, dualistic world-view, will understand. They are... nature spirits. Very old, and semi-sentient, that manifest in the physical world as badgers. My people have been intimately familiar with beings like them for millennia, and have learned much from them. Often the hard way.

Deuterium Boy looked thoughtful.

Deuterium Boy
I've heard of beings like that, in the dreamlands. I've never seen one, though.

Light Throat
You're lucky. They don't like your species, for obvious reasons... but that night, for some reason, the badger shamans took pity on the dying boy. They used their magic to heal him.
But the badger shamans' magic was limited - they are, after a fashion, only badgers. Estevan Crumpet was healed, but he became a creature that was only partly human, and part badger. The creature that was Crumpet followed the badgers back to their den. As he grew, he became King of all the badgers and badger spirits in the forest, capable of communicating with them and directing them - in a limited way, of course.

Hydrogen Guy
Is he sane?

Light Throat
That is difficult to say. By badger standards, perhaps. His mind was undoubtedly affected by his new form, his environment, and creatures that surround him. You would probably find him simple. But it would be stupid to underestimate him.

Deuterium Boy
Well, the Hollorans proved that.

Hydrogen Guy
Where can we find him?

Light Throat
He dwells still in the forest north of the prison. If you look for him, I'm sure you will find him. His kingdom is still agitated. The death of Holloran will not stop the mineral surveys.

Hydrogen Guy nodded.

Hydrogen Guy
Thank you.

Light Throat
You're welcome. I must take my leave of you now - I see the watcher has given up, and the moon is climbing quickly.

Deuterium Boy
Will we hear from you again?

Light Throat looked sternly at them.

Light Throat
That depends on what you do next. And, if it pleases me, whether I decide to give you a second chance.

Hydrogen Guy
Light Throat -- can I ask another question?

The elf nodded slightly.

Hydrogen Guy
Is there any silver under the forest?

Light Throat shook his head and smiled.

Light Throat
Only a rumour. I suppose somebody made an erroneous "suggestion" somewhere. Good night, Hydrogen Guy. Farewell, Deuterium Boy.

He seemed to step into the shadow against the wall, and vanish. The superheroes stood in silence for the space of several breaths.

Deuterium Boy
Nice jacket.

Hydrogen Guy grimaced.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks. I gotta get out of here, Kate's probably wondering what's taking me --

Deuterium Boy
Do we go badger hunting tonight?

Hydrogen Guy
Ah -- I'll call you.

Deuterium Boy smirked.

Deuterium Boy
Good luck, Romeo.

Hydrogen Guy tossed the coat at him and ran off.

Feb. 3rd, 2002, 4:38 AM
The Forest, northeast Whonnock

Hydrogen Guy yawned and adjusted his Hydrogen Pull-over. He opened the door to David Marcolin's Saturn coupe and stepped out onto the road. The road was a barely a lane and a half wide, and had the forest on either side. About five minute up the road was a bleak cement-and-chain-link provincial facility that used to be the Westview Juvenile Detention Centre; five years ago it had been converted into a minimum security prison. The Diatomic Duo thought it best to keep out of sight of the facility at this time of the morning. No sense in alarming any trigger-happy guards.

Hydrogen Guy
So what's the plan, just wander into the forest and look for badgers?

Deuterium Boy
Light Throat implied they wouldn't be hard to find.

He yawned.

Hydrogen Guy
Remind me how normal people spend their weekends again?

Deuterium Boy
It doesn't involve badgers or forest spirits.

They crossed the road and headed into the woods.

Hydrogen Guy
That's what I figured. I also understand more sleep than two and a half hours per night is involved.

Deuterium Boy opened up his Scan-O-Matic and started searching for traces of the Badger-Man. Hydrogen Guy drew the Ruler of Elendil and tried to keep alert.

Deuterium Boy
Well, you didn't need to stay out until one thirty.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, that's what I get for pretending to be somebody's boyfriend.

Deuterium Boy
You know, you could have invited her to come along. A nice walk in the woods, watch the sunrise,...

Hydrogen Guy
...chase after mutant woodland creatures with costumed freaks... anything?

Deuterium Boy
All kinds of stuff that I suspect are just normal forest critters. Nothing unusual...

They crept slowly through the woods, making as little noise as possible - which, admittedly, was still a lot compared to the rest of the forest's denizens.

Hydrogen Guy
Are we lost yet?

Deuterium Boy
We're not even twenty feet from the road. Don't worry, I've got the GPS and the compass, and we've both got our phones. We'd have to try to get lost.

Hydrogen Guy
I thought that's pretty much what we were doing...

Deuterium Boy
More north-northwest, I'm getting small furry bodies on the infrared... Speaking of costumed freaks, when are you going to tell her?

Hydrogen Guy
Hm?

Deuterium Boy
Kate.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... I don't know. It's looking like less of an option... I don't think she likes superheroes that much.

Deuterium Boy
You can try to bring her around first.

Hydrogen Guy
There's something else... guess who we watched the movie with last night?

Deuterium Boy shushed him, and they moved forward in silence. Deuterium Boy stopped beside a pair of cedar trees growing out of the felled trunk of a third. He pointed to a particularly thick gorse bush just ahead.

Deuterium Boy
[whisp.] I'm picking up a large hollow under there... size and surface-scoring matches the big tunnel back at the Hollorans'.

Hydrogen Guy
[whisp.] Let's check it out...

Very slowly, they tiptoed towards the gorse bush. No angry, stocky little dervishes came pouring out of the bush after them. They reached the edge of the bramble, and Hydrogen Guy cautiously parted some of the vegetation with the Ruler. No entrance to a giant badger den could be seen.

Hydrogen Guy
[whisp.] Well?

Deuterium Boy
[whisp.] I'm getting elevated stress readings directly --

The forest floor gave way beneath them! The Diatomic Duo, plus a few dozen kilos of earth, wood, gorse bush and assorted debris, fell into the pit below. Hydrogen Guy managed to turn and land himself without injury, only to get whacked on the back by something that had fallen with them.

He waited until the shower of debris had stopped, then slowly got to his feet. He heard Deuterium Boy call his name.

Deuterium Boy
You hurt, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
Ow... significantly bruised, but I'm okay. You?

Deuterium Boy held up the Scan-O-Matic, which now featured several of its interior components on the exterior.

Deuterium Boy
Fine, but I landed on the Scan-O-Matic.

Hydrogen Guy
It's okay, I've still got mine...

He looked around. They were standing in a pit roughly two meters across and four meters deep. The floor of the pit was covered by the jumbled remains of the forest material which had camouflaged the pit from sight.

Hydrogen Guy
Caught in a Heffalump trap... now where's the Heffalump?

Deuterium Boy
I don't like the idea of waiting around to find out...

Suddenly Hydrogen Guy realized he was missing something.

Hydrogen Guy
Crap! The Ruler! It's buried in here somewhere!

He bent over and immediately winced, then started rummaging around in the debris.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, help me look for it!

Deuterium Boy
Uh, HG...

A low sound had slowly grown from a sub-audible vibration to a rumbling. Deuterium Boy drew his sabre as Hydrogen Guy redoubled his frantic search.

Deuterium Boy had chosen the wrong direction. The earth behind him burst and something bulky hit him from behind. Hydrogen Guy only saw it as a huge blur as it lashed out at him. He felt a jarring crunch, and then everything went black.

Feb. 3rd, 2002, sometime around mid-morning
Location unknown

Hydrogen Guy slowly regained consciousness, with a nauseating pain in his neck and shoulders, and a riot of input from every sense. He could hear a cacophony of chattering and high-pitched growls, and his atomically sensitive nose was being assaulted by a variety of animal smells. He opened his eyes with trepidation.

He was lying in a surprisingly large underground chamber with earthen walls. He tried sitting up, and instantly regretted it - there were several bones complaining loudly, not to mention the giant bruise on his back from the fall earlier. He managed to prop himself up on his elbows. Deuterium Boy was laying next to him, and seemed to also be regaining consciousness.

The chamber was filled with badgers. Dozens of them, of all sizes from full-grown elders seventy centimeters long to litters of young cubs, each of which could fit in one of Hydrogen Guy's hands. The walls of the chamber were terraced, and badgers lined the edge of the terraces as if it were a lecture hall or gallery. The floor of the chamber immediately in front of them was also packed with badgers. All of them, on the floor and in the gallery, were vocalizing enthusiastically at each other and, they suspected, at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
Here I thought badgers were loners...

Deuterium Boy
Whoa... deja vu.

Hydrogen Guy
Kind of... you get the feeling it'd be handy if we could understand what small, swarming animals were saying?

Deuterium Boy
Be careful what you wish for, I might get it.

The closest to them cautiously crept up to the humans and started sniffing them. A pair of the more adventurous nipped at Deuterium Boy's legs.

Deuterium Boy
Ow! Hey, stop that!

He swatted at them. The timbre of the audience's noise increased, and the investigators growled menacingly.

Hydrogen Guy
Careful, DB... this is their crib.

Deuterium Boy held up his hands palm outwards, trying to look conciliatory.

Deuterium Boy
Easy, easy...

Suddenly, a wave of silence washed over the badgers. Dozens of pointed, furry heads turned towards the nearly human-sized tunnel at the end of the chamber opposite Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.

A line of six badgers unlike the others filed into the chamber, one by one. They were larger than even the largest of the others, each over a meter long, and their fur was silvery rather than brown. Hydrogen Guy started when he saw one packing the Ruler of Elendil in its mouth. Undoubtedly these were the creatures Light Throat described as "badger shamans".

The shamans took up positions around the tunnel, three on either side. Their gazes swept briefly over the assembled animals, then rested on the two humans. The Diatomic Duo found it distinctly unnerving.

They quickly forgot the shamans as the last creature appeared. The creature that Hydrogen Guy had dismissed as a poor hoax just over twenty-four hours ago. King Badger.

On all fours, he filled the entrance to the tunnel. He loped into the chamber, his gait a kind of part hop, part crawl, part walk, and then stood hunched but man-like on his rear legs.

He was short, maybe a bit over five foot if he stood completely erect. He was quite well-muscled, like an amateur body-builder underneath the fur. His overall body proportions were nearly human, other than for arms that were a bit too long and too developed. His hands and feet were elongated and slightly shovel-shaped, with claws like daggers extending from his fingers and toes, the largest on his eight fingers. His thumbs were far too small and weak to still be considered prehensile, but he looked like he could pick up objects and use them clumsily. His head was almost completely badger-like, with a wide pointed snout and mobile ears. His eyes were small and beady, but still recognizably human. His face was mostly free of fur, lending him a somewhat ape-like appearance.

He looked around at the badgers surrounding him, ignoring Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy for the moment. The badgers looked back at him devotedly.

King Badger
I'm a Badger!

The badgers erupted noisily in a mustelid standing ovation. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy exchanged bemused looks.

King Badger growled and the others fell silent again. He looked sternly around the room, and finally locating the Diatomic Duo, favoured them with a hard stare.

King Badger
Humans! I'm a Badger! Humans who kill people, smash dens! I'm a Badger!

The chamber looked angrily at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, awaiting their response. Hydrogen Guy was still struggling upright, so Deuterium Boy responded.

Deuterium Boy
My name is Deuterium Boy, and my friend's name is Hydrogen Guy. We're trying to find out what happened to some human people named Holloran.

The badgers turned their attention back to King Badger and the shamans. The largest of the shamans growled a long series of badger noises, apparently translating. Obviously much was lost in the translation, or between the animal's ears and tiny brains, because they still looked confused.

King Badger continued to stare at Deuterium Boy, thinking very hard. It had been a long time since he had spoken with humans.

King Badger
Hollowran humans killed dead. Smash peoples dens, bad humans. People smash hollowran den! I'm a Badger!

The badgers murmured agreement.

Deuterium Boy
Richard Holloran was looking for -- things in the ground that aren't there. If humans don't find them, they won't dig and smash anymore dens.

Another lapse followed similar to the first.

Hydrogen Guy
You're doing fine, DB. Ow!

Deuterium Boy
You need a hand?

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe you could just OW OW OW Thanks.

Hydrogen Guy's complaints distracted the badgers from their cogitation.

King Badger
Humans dead, smash dens stop now. I'm a Badger! You and you kill peoples, carry hurting stick! I'm a Badger attack you and you and now in den you and you! I'm a Badger!

That time it took Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy a moment to untangle what King Badger had said. He accused them of killing some badgers and carrying weapons, and claimed he had attacked them and brought them here.

Hydrogen Guy
We're sorry that those badgers died at the Holloran house. They would have hurt us if we didn't escape.

King Badger
Humans kill and peoples kill and now talk.

Deuterium Boy
Yes.

King Badger
I'm a Badger! You and you stay to keep humans away! Peoples use hurting stick stay humans away!

Hydrogen Guy
Ah -- that's not going to work.

King Badger
I'm a Badger!

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, we've established that --

Deuterium Boy
HG... [to badgers] If you keep us here, more humans will come to look for us.

Hydrogen Guy
There are already pe-- humans who know that badgers killed the Hollorans. You won't be safe unless you let us go.

This caused a stir once the shamans had translated it. King Badger fell to all fours and scratched at the ground, then bounced back to standing. The badgers fell silent again.

King Badger
No let go! I'm a Badger! Let go and lying humans hurt more more badgers! Put I'm a Badger in cage no no! Keep you and you and no more humans! I'm a Badger! I'm a Badger!

Hydrogen Guy
No, no! King Badger... Estevan! You remember the prison you ran away from?

King Badger
NO! No cage! No Essvan I'm a Badger! No cage no kill peoples NO HUMANS!

Hydrogen Guy
He could write reggae.

Deuterium Boy
Shut up. Estevan -- Estevan! Listen to me! No one will put you in a cage. No one's going to hurt you or your people --

King Badger
Humans lie!

Deuterium Boy
Estevan, listen to me! Listen to me!

King Badger
I'm a Badger listen.

Deuterium Boy
If you don't let us go, humans will come. If you let us go, we can help you. We can make sure humans stay out of your forest and stop smashing the dens.

Hydrogen Guy
Uh, DB, can we keep that promise? And how are we going to help Clinton Benavente if we don't bring the big guy in?

Deuterium Boy
You'll think of something.

Hydrogen Guy
I guess I will.

King Badger
Humans no talk! Peoples decide!

He chattered to the assembled badgers, and those on the floor closed in around Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy further. He turned to his badger shamans, and they gathered in a circle, literally putting their heads together. Telepathic conferencing? Hydrogen Guy wondered.

He leaned closer to Deuterium Boy and whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, if this doesn't go our way --

Deuterium Boy
I know, I know. We'll have to fight our way out.

Hydrogen Guy
They're not holding us here. We could use our powers to overpower the animals, get the Ruler back and escape. We could even kill or capture Crumpet, bring him in to Parker.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah. But that might be stupid. The badger shamans --

Hydrogen Guy
You think we should be afraid of them?

Deuterium Boy
I don't know. More certainly, I'd be afraid of what Light Throat's people might do if we hurt or kill them. Besides, you know everything the badgers are frightened of is true. The Faeries used them and our own worse natures as pawns in their quarrel with us.

Hydrogen Guy
These creatures aren't innocent. They killed an entire family.

Deuterium Boy
They were defending their territory. It's what wild animals do. Just like we were defending ourselves when I blew up the truck and killed I don't know how many of them.

Hydrogen Guy
I know. I don't want to hurt them, DB. I'd like to prove to them that humans can be decent and honourable. And, frankly, I am a little afraid of the shamans.

Deuterium Boy
Well, let's hope being decent and honourable gets us what we want so we don't have to kill any more of them...

Hydrogen Guy
They seem to be breaking it up.

The badger shamans backed away from King Badger. They glanced back at the two humans and, as they had entered, one by one turned and went back into the tunnel. The last one dropped the Ruler of Elendil at King Badger's feet.

King Badger stooped down and took the Ruler carefully in his teeth. He reared back as straight as he could on his hind legs and strode the few steps towards Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. He bent down and lifted Hydrogen Guy with both arms, slinging him over his shoulder.

Hydrogen Guy
OW! Careful!

King Badger
I'm a Badger! Shamans say trust Dewdrum Boy. You go and tell humans go and not to smash dens let people alone.

Deuterium Boy
I will. Thank you.

King Badger
You tell.

Deuterium Boy
I will, I'll tell them.

Hydrogen Guy
Ow.

King Badger turned and headed back into the tunnel. He lowered himself to the ground, walking on three feet, with the other supporting the injured Hydrogen Guy. Deuterium Boy followed him into the tunnel.

The journey back to the surface was short, and to Deuterium Boy's surprise, they emerged through a thick pile of rotten leaves within distance of the car. King Badger put Hydrogen Guy down gently - well, relatively gently - and dropped the Ruler next to him. He turned to Deuterium Boy.

King Badger
You tell.

Deuterium Boy
I give you my word... I'm very sorry, again, about the badgers who were killed.

King Badger
I too sorry... Dewtrum Boy another tell?

Deuterium Boy
Ah -- okay.

King Badger
Tell Essvan mum doing okay. Happy many friends. I'm a Badger!

Deuterium Boy
Ah, sure. I'll try.

Without another word, King Badger turned and burrowed back into the tunnel. Deuterium Boy shielded himself from the spray of humus. When the pile was still, he turned back to Hydrogen Guy, who was leaning against a tree and looking wobbly.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

Deuterium Boy
Should I get you to a hospital?

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... maybe a small one.

Feb. 3rd, 2002, 8:49 PM
Django Djava Café & Bistro, downtown Maple Ridge

Tim "Basswalker" Renaud finished his solo, sailing from quick quotes from Mingus and Geddy Lee back into the melody of "New Orleans is Sinking", and it was almost enough to make Hydrogen Guy forget his neck-brace, his exhaustion and the fact that they were out a quarter million dollar truck. He joined in the crowd's applause, pausing just long enough to take a sip from a well-deserved hot chocolate with extra milk-fat.

He and Deuterium Boy occupied a corner booth, losing themselves in a crowd almost as colourful as DB's costume and the sounds of Django Djava's Sunday night band, "Blues Flesh, Blues Bones", featuring the aforementioned Renaud on bass and vocals; Bobby "Roshi" Aitken on piano, keyboards and harmonica; "Long" Lakshmanjoo Inayat Khan on drums and Nepalese kazoo; none other than the Djava's own Carl on percussion and (when pressed) squeezebox; and the SHVD's Special Agent Jack "Charlie" Parker on guitar and backing vocals.

None of which you needed to know.

The band finished up with a decadent post-prog outro that sent the few remaining minimalists in the crowd scurrying for oxygen, prompting the room to raucous display of appreciation. As was traditional after what was practically the band's signature song, the crowd pelted the stage with empty paper cups. Carl insincerely asked the crowd to cut it out, while chucking the back with equal enthusiasm.

Parker unslung his guitar and, accepting a bottle of spring water from the waitress, headed for the Diatomic Duo's booth.

Hydrogen Guy
I still can't quite get over the idea of you playing guitar.

Parker
I'm freakin' in a purple haze, mister. What happened to your neck?

Hydrogen Guy
We had a busy day.

Parker
I'll say you did. I ought to thank you two for giving me one of the sweetest moments in twenty-five years worth of pissing off local law enforcement. Peterson hit the skylight and became a hazard to low-flying planes when I showed up at the station with Pamela Zegan.

Deuterium Boy
You're getting more and more musical by the minute, Parker.

Hydrogen Guy
Happy to oblige, Special Agent. It didn't take that much work, actually. First thing you do when you want to track a teenager is ask around at the local corner stores. Guy at the 7-11 on 265th and 112th said he'd seen Clinton Benavente with another girl than Ericka Holloran, so then it was just a matter of finding out who she was. It didn't take much to confirm that Mr. Benavente and Ms. Zegan had spent most of the evening in her parent's rec room before her folks threw him out and he went to his buddy's place.

Parker
Which shot Peterson's theories about any role in Ericka Holloran's death to hell. Dammit, Peterson should have uncovered Zegan himself.

Hydrogen Guy
There are laws about that, Parker!

Parker
You know what I mean, dammit... The autopsy put the final brick in the fireplace when they confirmed the throat wound couldn't have been made by a knife. Now if only you two had brought me the Badger-Man...

Deuterium Boy
Sorry, chief. We had our reasons.

Parker
Damn good ones, if you ask me. I've put in my recommendation that the Badger-Man file be closed unless any more deaths are forthcoming.

Hydrogen Guy
Glad to hear it. Now all I have to do is convince the government there's no silver in them hills...

Parker
Between us and this art deco lampshade, boys, Holloran Geo had pretty much concluded that already. Sorry, I should have forwarded you a copy of his surveys.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry about it, it's all worked out for the best anyway.

Deuterium Boy
Except for the Hollorans.

Hydrogen Guy
True. And the late Mrs. Crumpet, who'll never know her boy is happy and among friends.

Parker
I'll join you lads in a toast to family after the Reinhardt set. Now if you'll excuse me, the axe is calling.

He tossed his empty water bottle at DB, nodded, and headed back to the stage. HG smiled and shook his head. Then regretted it, because he couldn't.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah well... you know what I like best about Sunday nights, DB?

Deuterium Boy
More than Lakshmanjoo's kazoo rendition of "Stardust"?

Hydrogen Guy
More than that... what I like best is knowing that we get to go to work on Monday and relax.

Deuterium Boy
Amen, HG...

Hydrogen Guy
Though I wouldn't miss Lakshmanjoo's kazoo for all of that.

He flagged down the waitress and put in another request for hot chocolate. DB hadn't asked him about his supposed diet, or Kate Nereid, or Lola Lakefront-Property. The band slid into "Nuages", and under the music, none of it really mattered.

[music rises; fade to black, roll credits]