Episode 74

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

A "Crossing Over" Recap with Ms. Kimmie Parks
Registered President, Official The Grayhound Fan Club

Ok, so like where was I? Oh yeah! So in Chapter 73 (which is here on the Hydrogen Guy site and yes I know it's like totally confusing but you should be used to that) we find out that like David Marcolin (who is like Deuterium Boy) has a head cold which I can totally understand because I get like bitchin' allergies in the spring time but then Hydrogen Guy starts finding these little yellow sticky notes (which means that DB's probably doesn't have any allergies because they'd probably be more green than yellow) that say "Who are you" in all these different handwriting styles which kind of freaks him out but then David starts acting all weird and doing freaky things like accounting so Hydrogen Guy goes and asks this like really old school superhero about what's going on and the guy (who's like not Hydrogen) is like 'Hey, I know you dude!' and figures out that one of the notes belongs to a guy he knew from waaaaay back called The Detective. Hydrogen Guy puts one and four together and figures that DB is now possessed by the Justice Furlong. So they head back down to Boise.

And then in Chapter 32 Hydrogen Guy and JB show up in Boise and start talking to Chris and JB about what they think is happening but then Chris cops this like total 'tude and ticks off Hydrogen Guy before he storms out of the loft (which is like a good thing because HG would have probably given him a case of the bends or something) when like this totally new guy named N, who's not so new to Hydrogen Guy as he is to me, shows up and holds a meeting in DB which again is kinda super weird and probably more than a little uncomfortable for DB but he says that HE was the one that switched DB and JB's powers and that there's some new silicon elemental wandering around Boise that some really old guy in Canada wants to kill because they looked at him funny. Or something. Anyway, Chris winds up beating up the Mark guy because Mark goofed with Chris' video game box which I'm guessing proves that video games do lead to violence, but then the Mark guy wants to get back at Chris so he breaks into the loft where he sees Zrng and passes out. Zrng winds up stuck with Mark for a while before Mark sneaks out of the closet he's stuffed into and finds an alien device that's kinda like the one that zapped Chris and Bob and of course proceeds to zap himself with it by accident before he escapes.

Part IV - "He Ain't Heavy Water, He's My Brother"

Chris Reid wasn't the sort to list the things that went wrong on a bad day and dwell on them, but even he had to admit that this day the list was pretty impressive.

First the famous Canadian superheroes showed up and declared they'd somehow swapped Deuterium Boy's powers for JB's Justice Furlong. Then there were the earthquakes, which worried him. Then at the mall, some cracker-wannabe had screwed up his Sega Dreamcast, which came close to sapping his will to live. After a burger in the food court, where the phrase "hold the mustard" is understood about as well as those Native American languages whose last living speaker is a hundred and four years old, he was intercepted on the way back to his car by the Canadians and JB, who started raving about silicon elementals and traffic lights.

Then, to top it all off - like the condimenta non grata mustard on his Papa Burger with Cheese - another quake had trapped them in the elevator, where he'd gotten in a yelling match with the Hydrogen Jerk, and JB had, apparently, evaporated.

Now he was standing on top of the elevator next to Deuterium Boy, while his brother and Hydrogen Guy were apparently somewhere in the atmosphere above them. He didn't need Deuterium Boy to tell him what would happen if JB's inflammable gaseous form crossed the sparking cable at the top of the shaft.

Deuterium Boy was speaking to him like a father to a six year old playing with a loaded pistol.

Deuterium Boy
No questions. What do you have that can break their fall?

Chris took in the scene quickly. The elevator system had obviously been damaged by the quake. There was at least forty feet of additional shaft above them, leading to the mall's rooftop courtyard, and something like four stories below them to the lowest parking level. The shock of two full-grown men hitting the elevator Chris and Deuterium Boy were standing on might very well send it plummeting.

Grayhound
I... I've got --

Suddenly there was a popping sound as JB and Hydrogen Guy materialised above them, less than a two feet from the sparking electrical cable. Chris's time had run out.

He reached into his trench-coat and from one of the myriad pockets produced an egg-shaped plastic container. He hurled it at the wall of the elevator shaft, about ten feet above them; the container cracked open and a giant, thick, black web spread across the shaft. JB and Hydrogen Guy hit it a split second later. They sank into the net, forcing Chris and Deuterium Boy to duck, then bounced a couple times like a trampoline. They came to rest with Hydrogen Guy and JB lying head to toe staring up at the dangerous electrical cable over-head.

Hydrogen Guy
Go web go, forsooth!

Puppy Boy
Wha... wha?

Grayhound
JB! Are you all right?

Puppy Boy
Yeah... what happened?

Hydrogen Guy
That, my dear JB, was an object lesson about there being a proper time and place for gas.

Hydrogen Guy struggled to sit up, and failed. He was stuck fast to the net.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... a little help?

Deuterium Boy
I'm on it, HG.

He takes a bladed Deuterium-O-Rang from his Useful Things belt and started to cut at the net. In a few minutes, he and the Grayhound had the others free, and Hydrogen Guy and JB were standing on top of the elevator with their partners, picking stray bits of netting off their clothes.

Hydrogen Guy
[to Grayhound] Well... I suppose I should thank you.

Grayhound
You're welcome. Likewise, I should thank you for getting JB back --

Hydrogen Guy
Don't mention it. Actually JB would have been fine, it was the rest of us I was worried about. Particularly the elevator cable.

Grayhound
-- if it weren't your fault for sticking him with those powers in the first place.

Hydrogen Guy opened his mouth to reply, a venomous retort forming in the back of his throat, but Deuterium Boy cut him off.

Deuterium Boy
All right! Enough! We have a whole truck-load of problems here, and number one is how to get out of this shaft!

Puppy Boy
Hydrogen Guy, can you float up to the next floor?

Chris glared at his brother. Hydrogen Guy looked sheepish.

Hydrogen Guy
Well... in theory.

Grayhound
What's that supposed to mean?

Deuterium Boy
He means that when we use our powers, we attract hydrogen molecules to ourselves as a side effect. If he floats too close to that spark up there, he could catch fire.

Grayhound
I don't see the objection.

Puppy Boy
Chris! ... DB, how about Karl? Captain Industry... Could he use his super-speed to, I don't know, run up the side of the shaft or something?

Deuterium Boy
Uh... he says no, he needs a running start for something like that, and there isn't enough room.... NO! NO PIGEONS!

Grayhound
What?

Deuterium Boy
Sorry, Roger wanted to use...uh... birds... to send for help. There aren't any in this shaft, anyway, ALL RIGHT?!

Puppy Boy
Deuterium Boy, please! Go easy on him, Roger's just trying to help. He's sensitive.

The Grayhound let out a disgusted sigh and reached into his coat.

Grayhound
So all your celebrated powers are useless. Fine, I'll do it the hard way.

He pulled out what appeared to be a collection of suction cups - appeared to be, until the others noticed they had tassels on them.

Hydrogen Guy
Are those ... ?

Grayhound
Pasties. With real paste.

He tied the tassels around his fingers on each hand, then stooped and attached the other two to his knees.

Grayhound
You three stay here. I'll climb up and then reel the car up.

Hydrogen Guy
Hang on, I'm coming with you.

Grayhound
And how are you going to do that? I thought you were too flammable.

Hydrogen Guy looked at him smugly. He reached down and gathered up a few handfuls of the discarded sticky web, wrapping some around his hands and knees.

Hydrogen Guy
If it can support both JB and me, it can support me alone.

Grayhound
Great. Fine, if you're coming, let's go.

Hydrogen Guy and the Grayhound stuck themselves to opposite walls, then started climbing, one step at a time.

Hydrogen Guy
Hold tight guys, we won't be a second.

Deuterium Boy
Uh, HG, are you sure you want to do that? You've never climbed before, and I've got my certificate...

Hydrogen Guy
There's a first time for everything, DB! Just hold tight!

As they spidered their way up the walls, Deuterium Boy sighed. He spoke low enough that only JB could hear.

Deuterium Boy
Okay, fine, you want to prove you're as competent as Chris, be my guest. Just don't get yourself killed.

JB snickered.

Puppy Boy
Primes, eh? They're like children.

Deuterium Boy
And they get huffy if you treat them like children. Honestly, if the stakes weren't so high, I'd think it was funny...

Puppy Boy
Deuterium Boy --

Deuterium Boy
You can call me David or Dave, JB. It's all right if we're alone.

Puppy Boy
Cool! Ah... Dave... I'm not sure what the stakes are. Why is it so important that you find this silicon elemental? Other than to stop him from doing any serious damage, of course.

Deuterium Boy
It's a bit of an involved story... basically, there's a guy at ICBC named Hans-Raoul who's afraid of Elementals. If he finds this kid, he'll kill him.

Puppy Boy
Wow, ICBC... why's he afraid of Elementals? Because you two keep Foiling ICBC's Nefarious Plans?

Deuterium Boy
Sort of, but there's a lot more to it than that. Hans-Raoul supposedly comes from some other Universe. Long story short, there used to be a lot more Elementals in the galaxy, and Hans-Raoul destroyed them all in a war. After we showed up, he came back to finish the job... N is a kind of being called a Mage. They were the ones who created the first Elementals, and now they're pushing us to beat Hans-Raoul. I'm not sure Hans-Raoul knows the Mages still exist yet, but they're the ones he really needs to be afraid of, not us. We Elementals are a pawn between Hans-Raoul and the Mages, and this poor kid is getting the shittiest end of the stick, so to speak.

Puppy Boy
So... what happens, say, if Hans-Raoul gets his way and wipes you guys out? He goes home?

Deuterium Boy
Why, thinking of offing us yourself?

Puppy Boy looked shocked at first, then he caught the look in Deuterium Boy's eyes, and laughed.

Puppy Boy
No, no... I'm just curious how dangerous this guy is.

Deuterium Boy
Pretty dangerous. He almost finished us off once. I think, if he killed us, he'd wipe out the rest of the human race, too, to make sure no other Elementals appeared. Plus there's all the other planets in the galaxy where there are supposed to be humans with Elemental genes...

JB's mind boggled. And here he thought that he, Chris, and Zrng had a lot on their plate, protecting Earth from the Shareholder...

Puppy Boy
Wow...

Deuterium Boy sighed and leaned gingerly against the elevator cable.

Deuterium Boy
See, JB... It's all great and snappy for HG to ramble on about beating the Crustacean or the villain-of-the-week, and say that you got better powers out of the switch than you had -- no offence, Furlong -- but the truth is, when you've got "big" powers like this, you just end up with even more powerful beings yanking your chain around. It's not that much fun.

Puppy Boy
No, I guess it isn't.

Deuterium Boy
You know... when we got on this band-wagon, I think HG had something more like what you and Chris do in mind. I know I did. Spend your evenings beating up low-lives, play with a Cave-full of cool gadgets, once in a while have a showdown with some nutso mad scientist. You look after your own town and keep it safe. HG and I did that for a while, but it doesn't last. You get sucked into these bigger pictures, with bigger stakes.

Puppy Boy
That's what I always thought I wanted.

Deuterium Boy
Trust me, you don't. Saving the world looks good on a resumé, but it's a lot more likely to give you an ulcer... jeez, listen to me. I sound like the Codger. Must be all the extra experience squatting in my head.

Puppy Boy
Don't worry about it, Dave. I appreciate it... you don't get that point of view in the comic books. Thanks.

Deuterium Boy
If life was like the comic books,...

He cast his gaze upwards. He looked like a priest praying for strength.

Deuterium Boy
... HG and Chris would've stopped fighting by now and teamed up.

Hydrogen Guy and the Grayhound climbed in silence for several minutes. Finally, Hydrogen Guy thought he'd give his reluctant companion another chance to make conversation.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, uh... Chris...

Grayhound
Uh-huh?

Hydrogen Guy
This, uh, netting stuff... who's your tailor?

Chris smiled. Hydrogen Guy couldn't see it, since they were climbing back to back, facing opposite slabs of concrete.

Grayhound
That would be Annie.

Hydrogen Guy
Annie... not the guy who runs the sex shop next door to your place?

Grayhound
The same. He also does a nice little side-business in used gear.

A gruesome thought entered Hydrogen Guy's head.

Hydrogen Guy
These are fishnet stockings, aren't they?

Grayhound
Good call.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't want to know who would want a giant pair of sticky fishnet stockings...

The Grayhound managed to shrug in mid-climb.

Grayhound
Hey, I got a great deal.

Hydrogen Guy
What do you mean, a "great deal"?

Grayhound
These ones still had the crotch in them.

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, jeeez...

Grayhound
Well, if you don't want to know, why'd you ask?

Hydrogen Guy gritted his teeth.

Hydrogen Guy
Would it hurt you to be less confrontational?

Grayhound
Would it hurt you to be less of an ego-maniac?

Hydrogen Guy
Look, I'm not the one who's been in tantrum mode ever since we showed up! If you're looking for the prima donna here, look in the mirror, buddy.

Grayhound
Oh, I'm a prima donna? That's freakin' rich. I'm not dressed like some kind of trapeze artist. Nor do I spend hours recounting tales of my glorious exploits --

Hydrogen Guy
Of course not, you need to have some first.

Grayhound
-- and I'm not too afraid to take a personal risk to get us out of here!

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, I'm climbing up the freakin' wall with you, aren't I?

Grayhound
Yeah, because you couldn't stand the thought of me saving your bacon twice in a row, or of that information hitting the evening papers.

Hydrogen Guy
All right! Okay, I get more press than you! So what?! Who the hell cares?! It's not like being famous makes me a better hero than you!

Grayhound
Finally, something we agree on!

Hydrogen Guy
Look, you've obviously got some problem with my high profile. That's not something I can do anything about, I didn't ask to be on the stupid Justice Council, they asked me, and seeing as how we were trying to prevent the planet from becoming a damned shrimp colony I didn't feel like I could say no. Nor, for that matter, did I ask that jackass N to switch our sidekicks' powers. A simple email saying "Hey, there's something in Boise I think you should look into" would have been enough. BUT it seems likely that switching them back ain't gonna happen until we settle this thing, so we may as well work together. Not only that, but this Silicon Kid is something that concerns us both, seeing as how it could likely bring the most dangerous man I've ever met into your city. So I think it's only common sense, if not common courtesy, that we work together. And I'd like to do that WITHOUT the constant bickering!

Chris stopped his climb. He twisted carefully around to look at Hydrogen Guy.

Grayhound
Whoa, whoa. Back up a sec. What do you mean, "bring the most dangerous man you've ever met into my city"?

Hydrogen Guy stopped, staggered half a foot above Chris. He turned himself best as he could to look at him.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, man, weren't you listening to JB? Hans-Raoul, an inter-dimensional being who once destroyed galactic civilisation because it looked at him funny. He doesn't like Elementals, so we have to find this kid before he does. He's gotten within a hair's-breadth of killing me twice, and as little as you may think of me, you've got to admit that's hard to do.

Grayhound
Sweet Baby Zaphod! You see, that's the problem I have with guys like you! What gives you the right to drag Boise into your little war, huh? You might think you're saving the world here, but there's a few hundred thousand people out there that it's my job to protect who don't give a weasel's backside about Elementals! Inter-dimensional being, hell!

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, Boise's depending on you, huh? Poor Mr. Reid! Well, it's my job to make sure Hans-Raoul doesn't turn this world into a living hell, Boise included! I've seen what the world's like when he succeeds, Grayhound, and it isn't a nice place!

Grayhound
All right, all right! I'll make you a deal, okay? You get your Elemental, and then get the hell out of my town. And I'll make sure that nothing - not you or this Silicon Kid or your damned Hans-Raoul - happens to the city I'm supposed to protect. Okay?

Hydrogen Guy
If that's how you want to play it out, that's fine with me.

They continued climbing in silence. After a few more minutes, Chris came face to face with an elevator door.

Grayhound
Okay, we're here.

Hydrogen Guy
Right. Let me come around to your side.

Hydrogen Guy inched his way horizontally around the shaft until he was on other side of the elevator door from Chris. They each pulled a hand from the wall and stuck it to the elevator door, and after counting three, started to pull the doors open. They gave easily, and in less than a minute Hydrogen Guy and the Grayhound were once again standing on firm ground.

A mall security guard ran up to them as they emerged from the elevator shaft.

Security Guard
Grayhound! What happened? Is there anyone trapped down there?

Grayhound
Don't worry, it's just our group. Nobody's hurt. What's happening? Is everyone all right?

Security Guard
Yeah, it looks like that last quake just shook us up a bit. We've got some other folks stuck in another elevator in the West Court, and some cracks in the concrete have show up in the parking lot. Just minor stuff. We've evacuated the mall, but there's still some people milling around outside... The elevators seemed to be the hardest hit.

Grayhound
You need help getting to the other elevator?

Security Guard
Maintenance was just getting it open when I heard we'd had another failure. We could use someone to disperse the crowd outside, though.

Grayhound
Lead the way.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey! What about Deuterium Boy and Puppy Boy?

Chris reached into his coat and produced a cylindrical object which he handed to Hydrogen Guy. Hydrogen Guy looked at it and recoiled involuntarily when he saw it was horse-sized pink vibrator.

Hydrogen Guy
Aah!

Chris twisted the front clockwise and the "vibrator" opened part-way to reveal a coil of fine metallic cable. The loose end of the cable had a clip on it.

Grayhound
It's a winch. Turn it on to unwind the cable, get one of them to hook it to something on the car, then hang on to something and reverse the switch. The cable's light but strong enough to pull an Amtrak train full of fat Hoosiers. And hang on tight, it vibrates. Hard.

He tossed the winch to Hydrogen Guy and left with the security guard. Hydrogen Guy looked at the device with a mixture of fascination and revulsion.

Hydrogen Guy
Jeez... and Frank Magazine makes jokes about me and my Ruler...

The winch performed exactly as advertised, and in less than twenty minutes Hydrogen Guy had off-loaded the loathsome appliance on JB and was complaining loudly about losing all feeling in his hands. The three made their way towards the deserted mall's front entrance, where the Grayhound was firmly but sympathetically calming a group of senior mall-walkers and urging them to return to their homes.

As JB went to join his brother, Hydrogen Guy gently held Deuterium Boy back by the tail of his cape.

Hydrogen Guy
One sec, DB. We have a little problem.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, you'd noticed.

Hydrogen Guy
Hard not to. Look... I guess, to be honest, the Grayhound and I are both too fat-headed to work together.

Deuterium Boy
You'll get no argument from me... Becky Sue has asked me to point out that y'all are bein' more pernickety than two weasels in a hen-house with only one hen in it. What?... Okay, come on, admit it, you stole that from Foghorn Leghorn... you know, the rooster in the Bugs Bunny cartoons ... no, I'm not making fun of the way you talk, I'm --

Hydrogen Guy
If I may interrupt?

Deuterium Boy
Sorry.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, I have an idea. The Grayhound wants to talk to the Geological Survey. I think you should go with him.

Deuterium Boy
What? Why?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, obviously I'm not going with him! Look, DB... we both know that, of the two of us, you're the slightly less loony one. Your invisible girlfriend, the Cosmic Pie and recent extended conversations with the voices in your head notwithstanding. You could probably relate to him better, convince him we're not a couple of irresponsible glory-hounds. Give'em the old human touch, is what I'm saying.

Deuterium Boy
Your confidence in my diplomatic skills is a little alarming.

Hydrogen Guy
It worked with Cisneros when Ford and I were butting heads. C'mon, DB, it's a good plan.

Deuterium Boy
And what about you?

Hydrogen Guy
I'll get JB to help me look for the Silicon Elemental. Besides... that near disaster in the shaft made me realise what a unique opportunity we have with him.

Deuterium Boy
What do you mean?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, here we have for all intents and purposes a deuterium elemental with a full set of powers who doesn't know how to use them! I can refine some of our training techniques on him.

Deuterium Boy
HG, I'm not sure that's such a good idea --

Hydrogen Guy
Nothing dangerous, I promise. Besides, you have to admit, he'll love it.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah... all right, why not. I'll try to smooth things out with the Grayhound.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, DB! Now, all we have to do is talk them into it...

Somehow, Hydrogen Guy was able to convince Boise's Pooch Protectors to go along with the idea, mainly because JB didn't give Chris a chance to object. He still wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but he considered Deuterium Boy to be the lesser of two annoyances.

Chris lead the way to the parking lot in silence. Much to his relief, his Maxima had not been crushed by falling concrete during the quake. It would require a bit of extra washer fluid to get rid of the layer of dust that coated the windshield, but he considered himself lucky.

Chris climbed in the car and unlocked the passenger's side for Deuterium Boy. Deuterium Boy belted himself in as Chris started the motor and began backing out.

"Hydrogen-fuelled?" asked Deuterium Boy.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. How'd you know? Getting your powers back?"

"No, I just read the sticker by your fuel gauge that says 'Un-methanated hydrogen only'. How's it run?"

"Pretty good. Nice pickup - 120 in the city, 340 on the highways."

"Miles?"

"Yup."

"Sweet. Can I ask where you got it?"

Chris smiled. "Nope."

"Aw, come on."

"Sorry, it's a state secret."

"I could always drag it out of the Justice Furlong, you know."

"Aw, nuts, that's right. All right, it was a little guy named Plaskowitz who worked for the Shareholder. This, uh, Jelvan... thing... that kind of owns the Galactic Transit Gate Authority. Well, okay, Plaskowitz just took out the warp drive, Bob Malevolent rebuilt the engine to take hydrogen the first place."

" ... "

"You're not gonna start asking me a whole mess of questions now, are you?"

"Nope. In fact, I'm gonna forget everything you just said."

Chris forgot to be annoyed long enough to chuckle.

The car stopped at the parking lot exit, and they were waved through by police and engineers that had cordoned it off. The fact that the quake had given him a couple hours free parking was not lost on Chris.

He turned into traffic and headed for the Geological Survey. Deuterium Boy looked out the window, taking in the unspectacular street-level sights of the foreign city.

"So, tell me something...," said Chris.

"Mm-hm?"

"I'm pretty sure one of us nuts. I'm curious which one."

Deuterium Boy blinked. "One of us is nuts?"

"Me or Hydrogen Guy. All right, you might be nuts too, I'm not sure yet, and JB is, no question. But when me and Hydrogen Guy are within fifty feet of each other, that part of my brain that tells me when crazy people are talking starts going off."

"Well... insanity is supposed to run in families."

"That's what I was afraid of."

"But, no question, hands down, Hydrogen Guy is the biggest loony I've ever met. Well, except for my ex's mother. And possibly the talking panda."

"Really? Was he like that before he became Hydrogen Guy?"

"Well... yeah, actually he was. But now he saves up the crazy for when he's in costume, before he was crazy all the time."

"See, I've been starting to think that just being a 'superhero' makes you go nuts. I mean, I'm living with an alien -- "

"Okay, hold on. If we're going to start listing the crazy, it'll take hours."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"So how'd you get into this, anyway? JB drag you into it when the Furlong took office?"

Chris smirked. "No, actually, the Furlong showed up after JB insisted on becoming my sidekick. Truth is, I didn't want to be a superhero. I still don't really want to be a superhero, but Boise has some villain issues and nobody else is gonna take care of them."

"So how'd it end up being your job?"

"I did it for the parking."

"The parking?"

"I signed up when I was in University because my girlfriend lived across the street from the cop shop, and the job came with a parking spot. Then about a year ago I get a letter calling me up, I guess you could say, and for various reasons I couldn't back out of it."

"Oh yeah, once you're in you never get out... That, if you don't mind my saying, is the coolest origin story I've ever heard."

They were stopped at a light, so Chris turned and looked at Deuterium Boy in disbelief.

"What?"

"Seriously! I mean, come on... Jim and I got caught in a lab accident, I mean, how clichéd can you get? We always lose the League's 'Coolest Origins' derbies."

Chris grinned and shook his head as he hit the gas. "I'll have to suggest that JB enter one of those at his next USHA shin-dig. I never go because, no offence, I can't imagine anything duller than hanging around with a bunch of superheroes..."

Deuterium Boy shrugged. "Well, I'll say this for HG, he may be nuttier than a Hawaiian gift shop, and sometimes he's a self-centred bastard, but he's never dull."

"Oh, so you admit to the self-centred thing?"

"Oh, come on! Who do you think gets the spiky end of that particular club most of the time? It's his fault I'm dressed like a toucan and get called Deuterium Boy even though I'm older than him by three months! I said, why can't we be Hydrogen Guy and the Deuterium Avenger, and why can't I wear something cool and shadowy, but no, 'the name's too long and we need a contrasting colour scheme...'"

"Ah good, it's not just me."

"No," Deuterium Boy turned around, both literally and figuratively, "but you could cut him a bit more slack. He's treating you like an equal, or at least trying to, but you're the one insisting that he treat you like an inferior."

"I -- "

"Yeah, okay, he bugs the hell out of me too, sometimes, but when we're neck-deep in the crazy like we are here, he doesn't fool around. Listen... last year HG and I had what you might call a falling-out. The kind I hope you and your brother never have. And, I hate to admit it, it was mostly my fault. But once he calmed down, it was Hydrogen Guy who looked me in the eye, called me a fat-head and got over it. And we went out and got the job done."

Chris opened his mouth and waited for the angry retort to tumble out of it. It didn't come. He closed his mouth and grunted instead. He spotted the USGS building and prepared to move into the right lane.

"We're here," he said.

He pulled the Maxima into the parking lot. The United States Geological Survey occupied half of a two-storey strip-mall-like building in an industrial park, the other half being occupied by a waste disposal company.

The receptionist looked up in alarm as Chris and Deuterium Boy walked in. Chris pulled out his wallet and flipped it open to show his USHA card.

"Hi," he said. He still felt a bit awkward doing this 'badge-flashing' stuff... "I'd like to speak to whoever you have that can tell me something about the earthquakes."

"Uh... Dr. van Kalleran's not available right now, Mister, uh, The Grayhound, but --"

"It's urgent," interrupted Deuterium Boy, "It's essential that we speak to Dr. van Kalleran before it's... Too Late!"

The receptionist leapt several inches in her chair. She nodded emphatically and picked up the phone. "Yes, sir! Right away!"

Chris looked at Deuterium Boy. DB shrugged. "You gotta use that sparingly, but it's effective," he said quietly.

The head geologist arrived in less than a minute. He was in early middle-age with thinning hair, of average height, and wore a patterned dress-shirt, of which all serious scientists have at least one. He spoke with a trace of a Dutch accent, and introduced himself as Dr. Stefan van Kalleran.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I'm trying to dodge the press long enough to talk to my colleagues elsewhere in the state," he said. He indeed looked flustered. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Grayhound, and... Puppy Boy?"

Chris spoke up before Deuterium Boy had a chance to answer. "This is my associate from up north, the Deuterium Avenger."

"Ah, my word... If you'll follow me, please, we can talk in the conference room."

Moments later he closed the door, and breathed a sigh of relief.

" I can only spare you a few moments. Oh, you don't know what a panic we've been in since the first event this morning," he said, "Well, maybe you can imagine. The last one was just shy of magnitude 4.5, and people are worried."

"We appreciate you taking the time," said Chris, "I suppose you could lump us in with everyone else. I guess the main thing I need to know is, are these normal earthquakes?"

Dr. van Kalleran smiled thinly. "Well, there's not really any such thing as a 'normal' earthquake... The state is not sitting on a continental plate boundary, like California is, but areas in Idaho do occasionally have earthquakes due to smaller inter-plate faults. Most of these are centred in the mountains to the north-east, but we occasionally feel them here."

"So where have these quakes been centred?" asked Chris.

The geologist shifted somewhat uncomfortably. "Well... just west of the city, actually. Practically directly underneath Boise."

"Have there ever been quakes recorded from that area before?"

"No," van Kalleran confessed, "at least not in historical times."

"Is there anything out of the ordinary about the seismic readings?" asked Deuterium Boy.

"Yes," said van Kalleran, "there is. Odd that you should mention it, we haven't released this information publicly because we don't understand it yet... but the seismic waves originating from these events are not quite like what we're used to seeing."

"How so?" Chris pressed.

"Well... usually earthquakes are simple mechanical process. Rocks that are continually subjected to stresses give way with a release of stored energy, that's felt as an earthquake. Invariably, the rocks at the epicentre are the same after the quake as they were before, they've simply moved."

"All right," said Chris. He wondered why scientists always seemed to circle around their explanations, like dogs before they lie down.

"However, according to our data from today's events," van Kalleran continued, "these earthquakes appear to be accompanied by a change in the specific density of the rocks themselves. Absurdly, it's as if some of the rocks had undergone a dramatic change in volume, causing the rocks around them to shift, resulting in the quake."

Deuterium Boy leaned forward slightly. "A dramatic change in volume? Like in a first order phase transition?"

"Er...," said the geologist, "I'm not sure. I'm not a physicist, or a chemist. We don't really know why such a change would happen."

"Has anyone been out to look at the location in question?"

Chris and Dr. van Kalleran were both taken slightly aback by the change in Deuterium Boy's voice. Chris, of course, had heard JB speak in similar tones in the past when the Detective "took the wheel", so to speak, but it still sounded odd to hear somebody else doing it.

"We haven't had time," said the scientist. He now looked slightly irked. "But as soon as we can, we will. I may very well go myself."

Deuterium Boy nodded. "Pay very close attention to any unusual mineral species you find. I suspect you may find some surprises."

"Ah... all right," said van Kalleran.

"Do you have any idea," said Chris before the Detective could collar the conversation again, "when or if there'll be another quake?"

"No," said van Kalleran shortly, "Earthquake prediction is impossible even when we do understand the process... As for these anomalous events, I can't even begin to guess. Although we're advising people to treat these as fore-shocks to a larger event."

He rose. "Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me..."

The Grayhound and Deuterium Boy followed his lead, thanking him. A few minutes later, they were outside, and Chris turned to Deuterium Boy.

"What was all that about 'unusual minerals' and 'phased transitions'?" Chris asked.

"Phase transitions," said Deuterium Boy, or rather, the Detective, "are when a material changes its physical form. In the case of minerals, this can mean a structural change from one crystalline lattice type to another, possibly including a change in chemistry, and almost always accompanied by a change in volume."

"Uh huh," said Chris, "You know, guys, I was never so hot in chemistry. Or geology, or whatever you're talking about. What are you driving at?"

"Consider the following: after oxygen, the most second most common element in the earth's crust, accounting for 27% of sedimentary rocks and 29% of igneous rocks, is silicon."

Chris stared at... whoever was talking to him. It took a few seconds, but the fog started to clear.

"You're saying... that this Silicon elemental is changing the silicon in the ground from one kind of rock to another, and that's causing the quakes?"

"Crudely, yes. It would seem advisable to take Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy to the area in question and examine it with their devices."

"Great," said Chris, "Why would anyone change one kind of useless rock into another kind of useless rock?"

Deuterium Boy shrugged. "Beats me."

Hydrogen Guy and JB left the mall on foot.

Puppy Boy
So... how exactly do we do this?

Hydrogen Guy
You know my methods, JB. Apply them!

He'd been waiting for the perfect opportunity to say that for years.

Puppy Boy
Well, er... we go to a coffee shop and get some hot chocolate?

Hydrogen Guy beamed.

Hydrogen Guy
JB, you're a natural. Yes, the Coffee Shop - or, I'm willing to admit, any place that dispenses gourmet hot beverages and has the suitable atmosphere - is the ideal place for the finely-honed Elemental mind to begin an operation. Ideal for brain-storming, regrouping, forming what the French call les strategems. But first, I'd like to make a little detour. You know where I can find some good sand?

Puppy Boy
Good sand?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. The fine, beach-like stuff, not the rough kind they dump on the roads in winter. We'll need a high silica content.

Puppy Boy
Well... there's not many beaches or sand-boxes in downtown Boise... Oh, wait -- there's a pet store a few blocks over, they should have some aquarium sand. And there's a café next door called Hallowed Grounds.

Hydrogen Guy
It sounds just the place. Lead on, my dear Puppy Boy.

And lead on JB did, but barely, and with some effort. Hydrogen Guy strode energetically along the sidewalk, oblivious to the stares their costumes gathered from passing drivers, bicyclists and pedestrians. All the while he held forth with his theories on the Elemental fields, then on modern perspectives in quantum chemistry, leading to a few ribald anecdotes on the founding giants of quantum mechanics and a brief digression on great jazz bassists of the same era. Deuterium Boy would have sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, and Chris would have barely been able to restrain himself from physical violence, but JB drank in every word.

At least until he had to call Hydrogen Guy back half a block when he'd reached the pet store.

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry. I do get on these rolls sometimes.

Puppy Boy
That's okay. I don't mind, just don't wander into traffic or something.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah ha ha... Okay, I'll handle the sand. Are you a bad enough dude to get the hot chocolate?

Puppy Boy
You can count on me.

Hydrogen Guy
Good stuff. I'll have a large hot chocolate, with whipped cream if they have it. And also a glass of water, about half to three quarters full. My treat, here.

He pulled a bill out of his Useful Things belt and handed it to JB.

Puppy Boy
Uh, thanks, but... this is a Canadian $20.

Hydrogen Guy
Is it? Oh, pits, I forgot to get it exchanged... well, here, take another. That should cover two hot chocolates. I'll put the sand on my League Visa.

Less than five minutes later, Hydrogen Guy entered the Hallowed Grounds carrying a half-pound bag of white sand. He had no trouble finding JB -- the café seemed to be a popular goth hang-out, and the two of them stood out like tropical parrots in a cage full of ankh-wearing crows. JB looked relieved to see him.

Puppy Boy
Maybe this wasn't a great idea...

Hydrogen Guy
It'll do. Thanks for the hot chcolate... You got the water? Excellent.

He put the bag down on a chair beside him.

Hydrogen Guy
It's way more than we'll need, but you can sprinkle the rest in Chris's litter box or something. Now...

He picked up a spoon and started carving into the mound of whipped cream on his cocoa.

Hydrogen Guy
What we're going to do is prepare a proximity alarm for silicon Elementals. A canary in the mine, if you will. And in the process, you will learn the Way of the Elemental.

Puppy Boy
Cool!

Hydrogen Guy
Consider the Elemental field I was rambling on about a few minutes ago. Although we don't know the nature of this field -- indeed, as far as DB and I can tell it doesn't even show up on the Scan-O-Matics -- we are personally attuned to it. We use it to reach out to the right kind of atoms, feel what they're doing, and if we desire, change what that is. But the important thing to remember is, it's not a stick that we reach out with and give a poke to that one atom. It's a field - it extends in space. And although we can alter larger and smaller portions of it, when we try to act on one atom, or one group of atoms, we cannot help but affect atoms other than the ones we're immediately interested in.

JB nodded.

Puppy Boy
You couldn't alter just one atom anyway, could you? It would mean knowing more about its position and momentum than the uncertainty principle allows.

Hydrogen Guy smiled and sipped his hot chocolate.

Hydrogen Guy
Precisely. You're better informed than I thought. But, as I said before, unfortunately my understanding of the field as an Elemental far exceeds my understanding of it as a physicist. I can't understand half the things I can do with it, but I know what it feels like and how to use it.

Puppy Boy
I'm not entirely clear on that, even.

Hydrogen Guy
Patience. Now, as I was saying... when we use our powers to affect the states of a particular group of atoms - we'll say hydrogen atoms, for the sake of argument - we also affect other hydrogen atoms that we weren't aiming at. And we can feel those side effects. Let me demonstrate.

He looked at JB's glass, and concentrated on what he wanted to happen. As JB watched, the hot chocolate began to separate - a thin brown-black layer of chocolate at the bottom, a thicker yellow-white layer of milk fat in the centre, and on top a crystal clear layer of pure water.

Puppy Boy
Wow...

Hydrogen Guy
Did you feel anything?

Puppy Boy
Kind of... do it again.

The layers mixed again, as if stirred by an invisible spoon. For a second it was perfectly mixed again, then it separated again - this time with the densest chocolate layer on top, and the water, paradoxically, at the bottom.

Puppy Boy
Yeah... it was like, I can't quite explain it... when you're doing it, I can kind of feel the deuterium in me sort of... vibrating funny.

Hydrogen Guy
Exactly. That's exactly what it is -- it's not a big effect, maybe not even enough to show up in a casual spectroscopic measurement, but the act of my moving the hydrogen compounds in your drink around also causes a shift in the vibrational states of nearby hydrogen and hydrogen-like atoms.

He relaxed his concentration and the strata in JB's glass collapsed. JB picked up his spoon and gave it a good stir, just to make sure.

Hydrogen Guy
When I or Deuterium Boy are using our powers, or have been recently, the other can usually tell. This is how I intend to find our silicon Elemental.

JB nodded.

Puppy Boy
Oh, I get it. If he uses his powers, you'll feel the side-effects.

Hydrogen Guy
Right. But, a silicon Elemental field doesn't effect hydrogen or deuterium atoms in any significant way unless they happen to be bonded to a silicon atom. So what we need for our canary is a whole lot of hydrogen, attached to a whole lot of silicon. Pass me the water?

JB moved the styrofoam cup over to Hydrogen Guy's side of the table, as Hydrogen Guy pulled a small glass jar and a knife from his Useful Things belt. He removed the lid and poured the water into the jar, then took the knife and cut open the bag of sand. Sand spilled everywhere.

Hydrogen Guy
Whoops...

With exaggerated care, he poured a small amount of sand, about half a small handful, into the jar. Sand continued to leak all over the table and floor.

Puppy Boy
Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry about it, I'll leave a tip. Now...

He brushed most of the sand off the table, and moved the jar to the centre of the table.

Hydrogen Guy
This sand is mostly quartz - silicon dioxide. What we're going to do is dissolve the silica into the water and form a colloid called silicic acid. This will be your next lesson in how to be a Hydrogen Guy.

Puppy Boy
Okay...

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, now I want you to imagine you're reaching out with your mind. Feel the motions of the hydrogen atoms in the water. Feel them travel, vibrate, rotate...

Puppy Boy
... ooh, I feel them! Wow, they're fast...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. Now, picture them flowing around the sand... bumping into the surface... peeling off the silicon atoms...

Puppy Boy
... okay ...

Puppy Boy
AAAH!

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, should've warned you about that. But you're doing it, that's good! Now, try to speed it up. Get those water molecules flocking to the sand. Attack it without mercy. I'll give you a hand.

The two of them focused their concentration on the jar in front of them. Gradually, the layer of sand at the bottom began to disappear, and the water became a thick, jelly-like substance.

Hydrogen Guy mentally backed himself away from the jar. JB squinting at it intently, as if trying to burn a hole through it into the table.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, JB, we're done...

JB started. He looked up for an instant, then back at the jar.

Puppy Boy
Really? ... Wow. WOW! Oh, cool, I did it!

Hydrogen Guy
You certainly did. We now have a jar-full of colloidal silicic acid, which will start humming like a bumblebee if the Silicon Kid exerts himself in our presence. Well done, JB.

He lifted his mug to toast JB. The upper part of the glass mug peeled off the lower part, trailing sticky strings of goo behind it, and the hot chocolate poured out onto Hydrogen Guy and the sand-covered table and floor. Hydrogen Guy looked at the upper half of the mug in his hand in bewilderment, then at JB.

Puppy Boy
Oops... sorry.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry about it.

He regarded the gritty sludge spread across the table. Hot chocolate was dribbling on the piles of sand on the floor. Looking up, he noticed a rather large Java Serf wearing mascara and a dog collar looking back at them.

Puppy Boy
Maybe we should start the search now?

Hydrogen Guy
I think that'd be a good idea.

The Original Idaho Jake's -- colloquially called T.O.I.Jake's -- was one of those ubiquitous chain restaurants that generally seemed more interested in branding you than feeding you. But, like many similar restaurants, it featured "All You Can Eat" nights for members of the USHA - reasoning that breaking the laws of physics in the pursuit of justice must work up an incredible appetite, and, hey, having the cape-and-cowl set sitting in once a week was great advertising.

Plus it was an opportunity to clean out the walk-in freezer.

Waitress
HI! HowareyouguystonightmynameisJennandI'llbeyourserverwowareallyouguyssuperheroes that'ssocoolIloveyourfeatherokayanythingtodrinkwehavenonstoprefillsonCarffeediet CarfeeandnewCherryGinsengCarffeeI'llgiveyouguysafewminutestodecideokayI'llsee yourealsoon!

Hydrogen Guy
Hi, I'll have an ice tea, please?

Deuterium Boy
HG, she's gone.

Grayhound
It's wrong for anyone to be that perky...

Puppy Boy
Chris, did you call Zrng and tell him we weren't coming back for dinner?

Grayhound
I tried, but he didn't answer. He probably left his phone behind again.

Hydrogen Guy
So what's good here?

Puppy Boy
You like deep fried?

Hydrogen Guy
Deep fried what?

Grayhound
Everything.

Deuterium Boy
Geez, this menu reads like the Sears Catalogue. So where are the actual dinners?

Puppy Boy
There are some on page 97, just past the Hawaiian Delights Margaritas.

Hydrogen Guy
These are lawn mowers.

Puppy Boy
Oh... ah, my fault, it's page 99.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, here they are...

Deuterium Boy
Hey... this menu's a hundred and sixteen pages long, but there's no desserts!

Puppy Boy
Oh, they have desserts. You see the barrel-chested guy over there? With the pictures on his T-shirt?

Deuterium Boy
Uh huh.

Puppy Boy
That's the dessert menu.

Deuterium Boy
What?

Puppy Boy
Check out page 43. You can buy the T-shirt, too.

Waitress
HI! Okayhaveyouguysdecidedwhatyouwanttodrink?

Deuterium Boy
Carffee.

Puppy Boy
I'll have a Diet Carffee.

Grayhound
Just water.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll have an ice tea, please.

Waitress
I'msorrythewhat?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh... the ice tea?

Puppy Boy
I think you have to say the name.

A pained expression crossed Hydrogen Guy's face.

Hydrogen Guy
No, it's stupid!

Puppy Boy
It's what it's called.

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, for Einstein's sake... I'll have the Funky Fun Ice-sational Lemon Tea Chiller.

Waitress
Okaygreatthat'stwoCarffee'sonedietawateranda FunkyFunIce-sationionalLemonTeaChillergreatsuperI'llbebackinasecwiththedrinks!

She bounced away again. Chris, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy all shuddered.

They looked at their menus in silence. Finally, Chris seemed to come to a decision, and closed his. He cleared his throat.

Grayhound
Okay... I just want to recap a bit, if you guys don't mind.

Deuterium Boy
Go ahead.

Grayhound
So, there's a silicon Elemental running loose in Boise. And he's powerful enough to cause earthquakes by changing the chemistry of large volumes of rock.

Hydrogen Guy
Unfortunately, I think the Detective's right on the money.

Grayhound
And it's a distinct possibility that unless we find this kid, aside from him flattening the city on some kind of whim, there's the possibility that some inter-dimensional being will show up and stop at nothing to kill him.

Deuterium Boy
And us.

Puppy Boy
And me...

Grayhound
You? What, why you?

Puppy Boy
Because I'm an Elemental now, too.

Deuterium Boy
Temporarily.

Hydrogen Guy
We hope.

Grayhound
Right.

He sighed. His eyes wandered back to the menu and came to rest on a cartoon cowboy exhorting him to but packages of Grandma Emmy's Hickorette Bar-B-Q Nectar.

Grayhound
So it is as bad as I thought.

Hydrogen Guy
More or less.

Grayhound
Oh, uh... Hydrogen Guy. One other thing.

Hydrogen Guy
Mm-hm?

He looked the Protonic Paladin in the eye.

Grayhound
You're a fat-head.

Hydrogen Guy held his gaze. Deuterium Boy and Puppy Boy held their breaths.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, well, so are you.

The corners of Chris's mouth turned up ever so slightly.

Grayhound
Good. Now, let's find this Elemental.

Holy Heartburn Remedies!

Will the Canine Crusaders and the Diatomic Duo find the Silicon Elemental before ICBC does? Has Chris finally gotten over himself? Well, no not bloody likely, but maybe he'll be tolerable for the duration. And has HG been hanging around Chris just a bit too long now? I mean seriously, what's up with the hydrogen powered vibrator?

Tune in Next Friday to The Grayhound Chronicles for: