Episode 78

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part II

Last episode: The Diatomic Duo were asked to investigate a rather nasty murder by visiting FBI agent Maryanne Leslie, and gained a house guest in the Hydrogen Cave named Sid.

Eric Moran, PR assistant for Dominion Mills International Products, struck Hydrogen Guy as a typical business drone - fit, slightly stocky, dressed in fashionable and friendly business casual, short-cropped blond hair and goatee, tediously good-looking; probably Hydrogen Guy thought, partied his way through community college, got an MBA, and was now concentrating on his RRSPs and his squash game.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy arrived at the Dominion Mills offices at the appointed time, and were swiftly escorted to a meeting room not far from the lobby. The message was clear: they were intended to come in, finish their business, and leave with a minimum of fuss. Moran joined them a few minutes later, all charm and good will but with a note of discomfort at their presence.

Moran
Thanks very much for coming.

Hydrogen Guy
You're welcome. What do you want?

Moran remained unfazed.

Moran
It's kind of a delicate matter, you might say.

Deuterium Boy
It's something about the murder of Sherri Laurence, right?

Moran
You guys don't believe much in small talk, do you?

Hydrogen Guy
We're pretty busy these days; we can't spare much time for people who call us with vague requests for a consultation. And I get the impression you don't want us here any longer than necessary, either.

Moran had the grace to look slightly chagrined at this.

Moran
Well, we're not thrilled at the prospect of asking for your help in this way. The company's had so much bad publicity already, frankly nobody here would like it if the press found out we'd come to you over this.

Hydrogen Guy
All right. Now that your position is out in the open, what can we do for you?

Moran sat back in his chair and breathed heavily.

Moran
You've both heard about this psychopath that they're calling the "Cereal Killer", I'm sure?

Hydrogen Guy
The basics. Someone who's seen way too many bad slasher movies has been working his way across the States, brutally slaughtering people and dumping "Man Mount'n Munch" all over the place.

Moran nodded, his chin in his hand.

Moran
Yes. And now it looks like Sherri Laurence is his latest victim.

Deuterium Boy
We know; we literally just came from the house.

Hydrogen Guy
Apparently he's in Maple Ridge.

Deuterium Boy
Are you worried he's coming here?

Moran shrugged helplessly.

Moran
I don't know. It may just be a coincidence that Maple Ridge is DM's Canadian headquarters. Frankly if he were to target the company, he would've gone to world HQ in Williamsburg.

Hydrogen Guy nodded. His respect for Moran inched up slightly.

Moran
Of course, we worried about the safety of our employees. Everyone here is on edge since it happened... you just never know. You think where you live is safe and then...

Hydrogen Guy
Mr. Moran...?

Moran
Sorry. And please, Eric... Anyway, you may have guessed by now that I'm asking on the company's behalf that you try and catch this guy.

Hydrogen Guy
That seems to be the rallying cry today.

Moran
Are you already on the case?

Hydrogen Guy
No. We've had another request, and we're thinking about it.

Moran
DM is willing to encourage you. I'm told you accept commissions from time to time. We'll cover your expenses excluding legal plus $15,000 US if you'll take the case.

Deuterium Boy
Excluding legal?

Hydrogen Guy
They're not idiots, DB, and we've acquired a reputation... That's a pretty generous offer, Eric. Dominion Mills isn't just being altruistic, is it?

Moran
Ah... no. The publicity from these murders is terrible. Sales of the cereal have dropped faster than cyanide-laced Kool-Aid, the company's taken quite a hit. At this point it's either take matters into our own hands or discontinue our flagship cereal.

Deuterium Boy
I guess dead people don't buy cereal, either.

Moran
Uh, right... Anyway, you can see that no matter how you look at it, it's in Dominion Mills' interest to stop this killer. And we think you two are the ones who can do it. Consider, if you succeed, in addition to what we'll pay you, you'll garner a considerable PR boost of your own. This is a big case in the US market. Solving this case is wins all around.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. I'm getting that...

He and Deuterium Boy looked at one another and engaged in a second's worth of silent conversation.

Deuterium Boy
We'll do it.

Hydrogen Guy
At the rate you stipulated, under one condition - if our investigation is in danger of compromising the official one, we're stepping off. In that case you keep your bonus and just pay the expenses incurred.

Moran nodded.

Moran
I'll run it past the board, but I don't see a problem.

They rose from the table and shook hands.

Moran
Thank you Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy. We all appreciate it.

Hydrogen Guy
I know. Now, we'll get out of your hair and get to work. Have a good day.

Hydrogen Guy
I feel like a mercenary.

They were standing by Deuterium Boy's car in the Dominion Mills parking lot. Deuterium Boy shrugged.

Deuterium Boy
Fiscal reality. Besides, apparently it was in the cards. First Leslie, now Moran. And he's got a point - under the terms you gave, there's no way this can go wrong, and a lot of ways it can go right. We need the positive exposure Down South after the Boise mess. And even the news that we're working on the case could be local boost for us.

Hydrogen Guy
Mmm, yeah, I'm sure our agent will love this... Tell me something, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah?

Hydrogen Guy
If the Cosmic Pie makes everything all right, why do people die this way?

Deuterium Boy
I'll ask it next time.

Hydrogen Guy
Me, I think I'll need some quality time under a bodhi tree pretty soon.

Deuterium Boy
I don't think those grow around here. Ask Sid, maybe.

Hydrogen Guy
Too bad. Guess I'll just use the couch, then...

He trailed off as a he realised they were no longer alone. A tall man dressed entirely in black was walking across the parking lot towards them. His black suit, shirt, and tie were fastidious and reasonably fashionable. Long, straight black hair fell loosely around his shoulders. Despite the warm July weather, his hands were hidden behind black leather gloves. He had a neatly trimmed beard and moustache and a small silver ring in his left eyebrow. He was the perfect image of a Young Gothic Professional.

Damian
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. My name is Damian Leary. Can I have a minute of your time?

He spoke with a faint trace of an American accent - possibly Texan or somewhere in the South.

Hydrogen Guy
Just a minute.

Damian
I understand that Dominion Mills intended to contract you to investigate the Cereal Killer slayings. Have you accepted?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeess...

Deuterium Boy
How do you know?

Leary produced a business card and passed it across. It gave his profession as "Private Investigator, Paranormal Consultant, Active Medium" and a cell number with an Atlanta, Georgia area code.

Damian
I was hired some time ago by Umbrex Millennium, Dominion Mills' parent company. I've been following the killer for several months.

Hydrogen Guy
Not having any luck?

Damian
On the contrary. It's been long and arduous, but I think I'm close to making a capture.

Hydrogen Guy
Are you sure? Maybe you should let a few more victims slip by first.

Leary smiled.

Damian
It's not as simple as simply bursting into a motel room and making an arrest... Hydrogen Guy, as a matter of professional courtesy, I would appreciate it if your turned down Dominion Mills' commission.

Hydrogen Guy
Why? How much are you getting payed?

Damian
I'm not being petty. As I said, I'm close to a capture. There is a real possibility that you may alarm the killer or disturb what I'm trying to accomplish.

Deuterium Boy
Why, exactly?

Damian
I told you, it's not as simple as regular police believe... I know you visited the Laurence house, you saw the signs. I'm quite literally weaving a net. One strand out of place may be fatal.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, we're try and keep out of your way... Maybe you can tell us what you'll be doing and why, that would help.

He shook his head.

Damian
I'm sorry, I can't discuss it. Nor can I share any of what I've learned so far, I'm afraid. The air is too thick here.

Hydrogen Guy raised an eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
Right. Too thick. Weaving a net, no strands out of place, et cetera. Well, thank you very much for your advice, Mr. Leary, pointless and vague as it is, but we've accepted the commission, and we intend to see it out.

Damian
I'd really appreciate it if you would reconsider. Tonight, perhaps, I may be free to discuss with you in more detail --

Hydrogen Guy
Sounds lovely, but no. Have a good day, Mr. Leary.

Damian Leary shrugged.

Damian
Ah... suit yourselves, I suppose. But please, be very careful --

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, yes, your net, I understand. Mr. Leary, we're very busy and don't have time to fool around. Please go away now.

Damian
Okay, okay. I'm going. Good travelling to you both.

He half bowed as he turned and walked away. Deuterium Boy regarded Hydrogen Guy in surprise.

Deuterium Boy
You all right? I haven't seen you that short with anyone for --

Hydrogen Guy
The stress is starting to get to me, that's all. Come on, let's go. We should meet with Leslie and tell her she'll be getting her bonus CV material.

Deuterium Boy carried three fresh cups - one regular latté, one extra large Assam tea, and one heavy water mochaccino - back to the table at the Usual Coffee Shop. Hydrogen Guy and Agent Leslie were examining the file folders spread over the table.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Not at all, HG; what do you think?

Hydrogen Guy gestured over the table.

Hydrogen Guy
It's all very confused; I find it hard to build a consistent picture based on what you see here.

Maryanne Leslie nodded.

Leslie
That's one of the most frustrating things about the Cereal Killer. He leaves behind so little physical evidence other than piles of "Mount'n Man Munch" We have literally no idea what he may look like. And aside from what we deduce from his MO, we have almost nothing to build a profile with. Twenty-five murders in thirteen states, you'd think we could read him like a book by now... All we really know for sure is that he has this "Mount'n Man Munch" fixation. He chooses his victims basically at random, the only thing is that they're always eating the cereal when he strikes.

Deuterium Boy
If this killer is as random as you say, how does he know when these people are eating the cereal?

Leslie
The MO is pretty simple. This guy moves from town to town. He hangs around grocery stores, picks out victims of the right 'type' when they put "Mount'n Man Munch" into their carts, then follows them home. Then the stalking begins. He waits until they're alone and eating, then enters the house and kills them. After that he pulls up and moves to the next town.

Hydrogen Guy
Neat. Except there's no sign of forced entry --

Leslie
He's an accomplished burglar.

Hydrogen Guy
The attention to detail required to enter a house without leaving a trace is inconsistent with the mess he makes of the victims. An obsessive, technical personality like that I'd expect to perform a careful dissection, not a B-movie slash job.

Deuterium Boy
That's it, I'm not going to the rib house with you tonight.

Leslie
It's not inconsistent at all. People who are very precise in one part of their life but sloppy in another are common. Albert Einstein was mathematically very rigorous but couldn't be bothered to comb his hair or match his socks.

Hydrogen Guy
He wasn't a serial killer, either.

Deuterium Boy
Okay, so we'll agree you can use psychology to argue anything.

Hydrogen Guy
Hmm... Les, you ever run into a private eye named Damian Leary?

She nearly spilled her coffee on the psychological profile she was reading.

Leslie
What? Where'd you hear that name?

Deuterium Boy
We ran into him today. He somehow knew we were thinking of taking the case and tried to persuade us not to.

Leslie
You mean he's here? Christ! ... Sorry. That guy's like a grey hair, he always turns up exactly where you don't want him...

Hydrogen Guy
What do you know about him?

She reached into her attaché case, pulled out a thin file folder, and handed it to Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy
He's got a file?

Leslie
He's been snooping around this case almost since the beginning. We were a little suspicious of him at first, but he seems to be pretty harmless. His credentials check out, he really is licensed as a PI and skip tracer in several southern states... he shows up at the crime scenes, takes some pictures, noses around and then leaves. Other than babbling a lot of New Age stuff he never really interferes with the official investigation, he's even tipped us to a few clues we almost overlooked. He's a nuisance more than anything...

Hydrogen Guy
What kind of New Age babble?

Leslie
It's pretty weird... He seems to be convinced that the murders are some kind of judgement on Dominion Mills because their forestry arm has been working in some South American forest the local natives say is sacred... It gets weirder sometimes.

Hydrogen Guy
So he's been following murderer across the US and just kind of hanging around... does he really work for the parent corp?

Leslie
We can't find anyone who'll say anything one way or the other, and frankly it's not worth the effort...

Hydrogen Guy
Is he a suspect?

Leslie
Yes, but he's never been a very good one. He doesn't fit what fragment of a psychological profile we have for the killer, and he almost always has a solid alibi when the murders are committed. He's never done anything we can arrest him for, although we've warned him a couple times. In one sense he's doing us a favour by hanging around all the time, it's easier to keep an eye on him...

Hydrogen Guy
He implied that he believed he was close to catching the killer.

Leslie
Good for him. If he shows up and claims it's George W. Bush, though, we've got a straitjacket ready.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, you have some pretty good data on him...

Leslie
Yes, we did several background checks. Other than the usual minor infractions that most PI's pile up, though, he's clean.

Deuterium Boy
HG, it says that prior to becoming a goth gumshoe he worked security for Amalgo NorthWest's Atlanta branch. He did a quite a bit of travelling for them, too - Ireland, Brazil, Indonesia, Sri Lanka...

Hydrogen Guy
You don't say...

Leslie
Is that important?

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know. It suggests to me that maybe Leary's New Age babbling has a grain or two of truth to it... You know, Les, he invited us to meet with him this evening. DB, what do you say we take him up on it?

Deuterium Boy
Could be instructive.

Hydrogen Guy
It could. I have his card with his cell number on it.

Leslie
You're seriously going to call him?

Hydrogen Guy
No, of course not. We're going to use it to track him down with the Hydrogen Spy Satellite and show up unexpectedly.

Leslie
Really? You can do that?

Deuterium Boy
Sure. Your NSA does it all the time.

Hydrogen Guy
No they don't, DB, and There Is No Cabal, either.

Deuterium Boy
Right, sorry.

Hydrogen Guy
Wanna come, Les?

Leslie
Naturally. I wouldn't miss a chance to do something the Bureau would nail my forehead to the wall for if I tried to do it in America. But Hydrogen Guy, one thing...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes?

Leslie
Please stop calling me "Les".

Forty-five minutes and a stop in the Hydrogen Cave later, Deuterium Boy's blue-green Saturn coupe parked on a suburban street in Ridge-Meadows. Across the street was a sea green, three storey house with a moderately well-kept lawn. The three occupants of the car - DB in the driver's seat, HG in the passenger's, and Maryanne Leslie in the back - peered at the house.

Leslie
Are we sure he's still here?

Hydrogen Guy
You wanna call and ask him?

Leslie
That won't be necessary.

Deuterium Boy
Let's go.

They got out of the car, Hydrogen Guy helping Leslie navigate out of the back seat. Hydrogen Guy drew the Ruler of Elendil and Deuterium Boy held a D-shaped Deuterium-O-Rang at the ready. Leslie eyed the Ruler curiously.

Leslie
I'm sorry, is that actually a weapon?

Hydrogen Guy
It can be used as such...

Leslie
Is it supposed to glow like that?

A faint blue halo surrounded the Ruler.

Hydrogen Guy
No, it isn't... I know you're not allowed to carry in Canada, Les, but be ready...

Deuterium Boy
She told you, don't call her that.

Hydrogen Guy
Who's asking you...

They proceeded up the walk and reached the front door. Deuterium Boy knocked tentatively. There was an unnaturally silent pause, then the bolt in the front door drew back. They heard the lock click from the inside. There was no further sound.

Leslie
Are we being invited in?

Deuterium Boy
I have a ba--

Hydrogen Guy
Say it and lose your tongue. Come on, troops...

He opened the screen door, then turned the doorknob. The door opened easily and they walked inside. There was a entry hallway with a sitting room on one side and a closet on the other; the hall lead towards a flight of stairs going to the second floor and back to the kitchen. As they crossed the threshold, the hairs on their necks and arms stood on end, and Leslie shivered.

Leslie
Yeesh, why's the AC so high?

Hydrogen Guy
There is no AC...

Deuterium Boy
HG, you ever seen the Ruler do that before?

Hydrogen Guy looked down. The Ruler was glowing quite brightly now, and a mist seemed to be clinging to the blade. Hydrogen Guy shook it, but the mist didn't dispel.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, ecto spec, now.

Wordlessly his partner holstered the Deuterium-O-Rang and pulled out his Scan-O-Matic. They remained clustered at the front door.

Deuterium Boy
This house is a huge neutrino shadow... I'm getting strong ectoplasmic all over, strongest upstairs, above us and to the west, and in the kitchen. Also detecting some unusual magnetisation from the door's iron components...

Leslie
What's going on?

Hydrogen Guy
I was wrong. Those effects in the Laurence house, it wasn't Sherri, it was the killer.

Deuterium Boy
Or something he was controlling.

Hydrogen Guy
Kitchen, let's go.

He lead the way down the hall. Leslie followed, with Deuterium Boy bringing up the rear, still watching the Scan-O-Matic. They nearly bumped into Hydrogen Guy at the entrance to the kitchen.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost...

Leslie
Oh my God... my God...

The kitchen floor was a sea of red. The body of a woman lay on its side, back towards them; there were deep gouges in her back, apparently torn open from the other side. The material formerly occupying the woman's chest cavity could be seen spread out in front of her.

Scattered all across the kitchen, on the counters, the table, soaking in the blood on the floor, were flakes and kernels of breakfast cereal.

Deuterium Boy did not look up, concentrating solely on his scanner. Leslie squeezed her eyes shut and resisted the urge to turn away. Hydrogen Guy fought with himself to keep his control; this was a crime scene, every detail needed to be noticed and catalogued. Every detail. He didn't have the luxury of turning away. The Ruler's grip bit into his skin and drew blood.

Deuterium Boy
Body temperature is just above 32 centigrade. No electrical activity in the brain or muscles. She's dead.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, DB. We noticed. Leslie, call for back-up.

Leslie
Where's Leary?

"Here."

They turned as one. Damian Leary stepped off the staircase and turned himself to face them, removing his bloody gloves as he did so and carefully placing them in his pockets. Hydrogen Guy caught a glimpse of tattoos on his hands - a sunburst and cross on his right hand, a pentacle and crescent moon on his left. Celtic knots, like bracelets of thorns, surround his wrists. Other symbols were drawn on his palms, but he kept them hidden, his hands closed for now.

He looked at them sadly.

Damian
There's another upstairs, also dead. A young boy. I believe this was his mother.

Hydrogen Guy took a cautious step forward, moving the Ruler into a defensive position. It was still glowing, and the mist still clung thickly around the blade. Deuterium Boy lowered the Scan-O-Matic, his hand dropping to his sabre. Leslie stared helplessly and uncomprehendingly at Leary.

Leslie
You... it's you...

Leary shook his head slowly.

Damian
You should not have come.

Suddenly Deuterium Boy's Scan-O-Matic squealed. The door behind Leary slammed violently shut, and the dead-bolt slid back into place of its own accord.

Damian
You really should not have come...

Next episode: Two eggs, sausage, beans, death, tomatoes, two toast, and a large tea. Cheers, love.

In Part III of...

A Deadly Part of This Complete Breakfast Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!