Episode 84

...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part I

[Timeline note - shortly before the main events chronicled in "Slime Enough For Love"]

It's a rare clear, sunny autumn day on Canada's West Coast, the Lower Mainland. Except in the teeming metropolis of Maple Ridge - listen carefully, you can hear it teeming - over which has fallen an apocalyptic shadow - the Shadow of the Navy Square!

The Square hovers like a diabolic thunderhead over the downtown core, a mysterious half-solid entity barely clearing the tip of the tallest skyscraper. Police, military, and media helicopters circle warily over and under it. Down at street-level, the people of the city stare skyward at it in fear and apprehension. Reports of looting on Dewdney Trunk turned out to be nothing but enthusiasm over an early Christmas sale.

Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Special Agent Parker of the Super-Heroes and Villains Department stood in the centre of a knot of police cars in one of the city's main intersections. Like everyone else, they stood staring up at the ominous Square. Parker stood with his hands in his pockets, Hydrogen Guy was stroking his chin thoughtfully, while Deuterium Boy had his hands on his hips in a pose of amazement.

Deuterium Boy
Great Thor's thunderbolts, Hydrogen Guy! I'm getting an unsettling "Reboot" flashback...

Hydrogen Guy
Somehow I don't think the solution here is going to be getting a high score in "Grand Turismo", Deuterium Boy... Parker, what did the Crustacean say to you when he called?

Parker tore the toothpick from his mouth and flung it on the ground. He pulled another from his pocket and started to chew it.

Parker
Damned impertinence, Hydrogen Guy. Damned impertinence. Called me mentally retarded monkey. Lemme tell you, pally, in my day talking sea bugs showed respect for their elders...

Hydrogen Guy
Parker?

Parker
You probably already know the story, Hydrogen Guy. Give in to his diabolical demands within one hour, or that giant swatch crushes the city.

Deuterium Boy
What is it? Can it do that?

Parker
He emailed us a movie file showing a smaller version squashing a forest somewhere up north.

Hydrogen Guy
What are his demands?

Parker
You've heard about that giant blue diamond that's going on display at the Natural History Museum next week?

Deuterium Boy
The Winter's Heart?

Hydrogen Guy
It's huge, and supposedly a perfect gem. It's worth over a hundred million dollars.

Parker
Right. I'm sure you can guess the Crustacean's major demand. Hint number one - it's not a waffle-maker.

Deuterium Boy
The fiend!

Hydrogen Guy
Same old, same old...

He pulled a bright blue and yellow cell phone from his Useful Things belt.

Hydrogen Guy
Let me make a few calls, Parker, I think we can take care of this in short order.

The first call was made to Chuck War, who was on business in Bellinger. Hydrogen Guy quickly described the nature of the threat, and Chuck War informed him with near certainty that the thing was a slightly modified Thyrix defence shield. The next call was to BC Hydro. He was alternately put on hold and transferred to several different people, but at last he found his target. After some considerable cajoling, and one veiled near-threat, Hydrogen Guy terminated the call with a smile on his face.

Deuterium Boy
Success?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh huh. Y'know, sometimes that critter's stupidity surprises even me...

He dialled one final number.

Hydrogen Guy
Hmm hmm...... ah, hey Keith, how's it going? ...... Good, good...... Yeah, can't complain. Well, except about that one little 'crushing the city' detail...... yeah, is he there? ... Thanks.

There was a considerably longer pause.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello, shrimp breath...... Sure, bu-- ...... Loo-- ...... Will you shut up for a minute? Jeez, I only get 600 minutes a month on this thing. Look, about the Giant Navy Blue Square, very impressive. Hawking did a nice job with those surplus shield generators. Nice colour, too..... Ha ha, yeah, you got quite a few people sweating down here. Tell me, you're not on a cordless right now, are you? ... Your cell? Great. Hey, is it still that one that's hidden in the little diver figurine? That was cute.....

He glanced at his watch as the Crustacean gave his scathing reply.

Hydrogen Guy
If you insist. I was calling to give you a little piece of advice....... Next time you threaten the city with an advanced energy-based weapon? Splurge a few extra bucks for a portable fusion generator or something, and whatever you do -- don't just plug it into the city power grid.

City lights flickered all around them, and then went out. The street was briefly plunged into twilight - and then, flickering like the lights had seconds before, the Navy Square itself vanished, and sunlight washed over the street.

A cheer went up all around. Hydrogen Guy held the phone some distance away from his ear, and even from a meter away, Deuterium Boy could hear the Crustacean's hysterical screaming over the crowd's jubilation.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Crustacean... Crusty?.... Calm down for a minute...... That language is completely uncalled for.... I just wanted to say, no hard -- huh. He hung up.

Deuterium Boy burst out laughing, and Hydrogen Guy swore even Parker came close to smiling.

Deuterium Boy
That was beautiful!

Hydrogen Guy
It was nice, wasn't it? Parker?

Parker
We have his HQ surrounded. Now that the Square's off, my squad'll move in.

He moved off to talk to some of the local police.

Deuterium Boy
How did you know he was powering it off the city grid?

Hydrogen Guy
It was a hunch... shield generators are a lot easier to smuggle on- planet than power generators, 'cause they don't have power signals when they're turned off... Hydro confirmed my suspicions when they said that, yes, there was a big power spike from Crusty's neighbourhood at about the time the Square appeared. And frankly? Crusty likes doing things on the cheap, it's the sort of thing I could picture him doing...

Deuterium Boy
Once again, nicely done.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

He looked around at the darkened buildings around him.

Hydrogen Guy
C'mon, DB, we better go see if there's any blackout-related problems we can help deal with.

Several hours later, a weary Jim Evans - world- renowned theoretical physicist and tea aficionado - arrived at the apartment of Katrina "Kate" Nereid. He found her on the couch reading a magazine.

Evans
Hi, sweetie.

Kate
Hey! I like your rendition of "eight-thirty".

He plops down next to her, and she proceeds to use him as a pillow. She tosses her magazine aside.

Evans
Ah... sorry. We had to restart all our sim's and calculations after the blackout this afternoon. It took a lot longer than expected.

Kate
I guess. Did you lose much?

Evans
A few days... one of the Richardson's reactive transport group lost an MD simulation that had been running for six months. They'll have to start from scratch.

Kate
Ouch!

Evans
Uh huh. We'll all be avoiding Richardson's post-docs for the next month or so. Dave thinks it's driven them feral.

Kate
Thank god the hospitals had back-up power... still, this city guy on the news said that Hydrogen Guy's little stunt will probably end up costing around $2 million, not counting lost productivity.

Evans sighed glumly.

Evans
Yeah... he saved the city, though...

Kate
Oh, big deal. The cops had this Crustacean's place staked out, they could've ended it without any help from the superheroes... Did you eat?

Evans
I'm not hungry.

Kate
Everything okay?

Evans
Yeah, yeah. Just tired.

Kate
You sure?

Evans
Positive. What do you wanna do tonight?

She smiled.

Kate
I dunno. What d'you wanna do?

Evans
Anything involving laying about is good.

Kate
We'll just lay about then. I think you need an early bed-time.

Evans
Mmm. No can do. I have to head home and do some work tonight.

Kate
Jim! It's past ten o'clock and you have a gorgeous woman in your lap hinting that you should take her to bed!

He stroked her hair as she lay with her head in his lap. She was looking up at him in disbelief, although her disbelief was not as strong as she wished it had been. She hoped to see, at the least, conflicting emotions in his expression; but his look told her that the conflict was long since settled and he was resigned to the outcome, and that he was going to try and resign her to it as well.

Evans
I know, I'm sorry. It's just, there's still some things from this afternoon that need sorting out --

Kate
I don't believe you...

She sat up abruptly and went into the kitchen. Jim followed a few steps behind.

Evans
What, you mean I think I'm lying to you?

Kate
No, I mean, I don't believe you! You, you're always working, running off to the lab or holing yourself up in your apartment - and I know there's no point in asking why you don't just bring your "work" over here or let me come home with you.

Evans
Well, it's this deep though theoretical stuff, I need --

Kate
Your precious concentration, whatever.

She starts angrily boiling the kettle.

Kate
And you're always running off and leaving me in the middle of our "dates" for some emergency in the lab, where you never answer the phone, by the way. And while I'm on the subject, why are we still going on "dates" anyway?

Evans looks at her in confusion as she flings open the cupboard and starts rummaging for herbal tea.

Evans
I'm sorry?

Kate
We've been together, if you want to call it that, because you're always working or at that stupid gaming club, for nearly a year, and we're still going on these "dates" like a couple of teenagers getting to know each other. For Christ's sakes, we should be past the stage where we need an artificial excuse to be together... where the hell's the Camomile?

Evans
... behind the soy sauce.

Kate
Thank you. It's like I'm this extraneous interruption in your life that you need to rigorously schedule so that I don't get in the way of this "work" you're always doing! Why bother with a girlfriend anyway, what's the point?!

Evans
Well, uh...

Kate was well beyond the point of being soothed or interrupted. She slams the box of tea on the counter, and starts tossing tea bags into the tea pot.

Kate
You know, I think that's what it is, I've think we've GOT IT, my dear Holmes! It's why you're always leaving me, it's why you won't sleep with me more than once a month, it's why we hardly spend any time together...

Jim watches as she slam-dunks the fifth bag of tea into the pot.

Kate
... it's why your gaming club's more important than me, it's why you didn't frickin' call me for almost a year after our first date!

Evans
Sweetie...

Kate
Don't "sweetie" me! You don't really want me around, do you? I'm an interruption, taking your time from all the important things you absolutely have to do!

Evans
Kate, calm down!

Kate
I AM CALM!

He takes her gently by the shoulders.

Evans
No, you're being ridiculous. Look... to start with, I know it's silly that we're still doing this "dating" thing after almost a year. But the way things are for me right now, it's the only way I'm guaranteed to see you.

Kate
Why, so you can take off in the middle of them?

Evans
I'm sorry that happens so often, you know I can't control when emergencies come up...

Kate
I think if you just left these so-called "emergencies" to fend for themselves, they wouldn't be so -- emergency-ish!

Evans
I wish...

Kate
AUGH!

She tears herself from her grip and grabs the furiously boiling kettle. Evans jumps back as she sloshes boiling water about, pouring it into the already half-full tea pot.

Kate
Listen to me! I can't even speak coherently, I'm so pissed at you!

She leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes blinked heavily, holding back tears.

Kate
It's... I don't want to be an interruption. I want to be important in your life. You're so important in mine...

Evans
Kate...

He takes her in his arms, and she grabs him and buries her face in his shoulder. Her holds her tightly, and her stiff body gradually relaxes, trembling, into his. She sniffles and gasps for breath as he strokes her hair, murmuring comforting words.

Just then his cell phone rings.

Kate growls and shoves him away.

Evans
Sorry, I'll turn it off --

Kate
No, I'm sure it's an emergency! Why don't you go answer it?

Evans
I --

Kate
Go! Go! Go! You were going to go anyway, remember?

Evans
I... I'll call you later.

Kate
Don't bother.

Evans
We'll talk.

Kate
Just go, already.

He quietly leaves the kitchen - his phone has stopped ringing. Kate stands where she is some time after the subdued click of the front door. Finally she sags against the kitchen counter. Blindly, she takes a clean mug and pours herself some tea.

She tastes it and makes a face.

[Several days later - immediately after "Slime Enough For Love"]

Robyn Cheung, clad in a violet silk robe, sat at her dressing table, her fingers tapping softly on the keyboard of her laptop. Behind her, the bathroom door opened and Hans-Raoul - by day, her supervisor and ICBC's Vice-President of Crisis Suppression - emerged, clad in his extra-dimensional glory alone.

Hans-Raoul
That was easily the best phone call I've taken in weeks. You know who it was?

Robyn answered without looking up. The computer screen reflected on her black-framed glasses.

Robyn
I couldn't say.

The blond Vallene crossed the bedroom and put the phone down on the bedside table. He sat back on the bed, his arms folded behind his head.

Hans-Raoul
The ever-reliable Druid. There's a guy in the SHVD's Island bio-lab who can put something very interesting into my hands. Something that, get this, suppresses the Elementals' powers.

Robyn
I'm so happy for you.

Hans-Raoul
Druid set up a meet for tomorrow night. In the morning I'll need you to clear my evening schedule and get me on the company catamaran for Nanaimo.

Robyn
Message me and I'll take care of it in the morning.

He lapsed into silence, watching her work, expectantly. She continued to ignore him. After a couple minutes, he cleared his throat.

Hans-Raoul
What are you doing?

Robyn
Transcribing your notes on the Navy Square incident.

Hans-Raoul
Uh... you need to do that now?

Robyn
What else should I be doing?

There was an awkward pause from her companion.

Hans-Raoul
Err... well, I thought we could continue where we left off...

With no noticeable change in her pose or voice, the temperature in the room dropped several degrees.

Robyn
I'm not in the mood anymore.

Another pause.

Hans-Raoul
You were very much in the mood two minutes ago.

Robyn stopped typing. She turned in her chair and fixed Hans-Raoul with a gaze that would have sent any mortal male scrambling onto the fire escape for safety.

Robyn
That was before you left.

Hans-Raoul looked surprised.

Hans-Raoul
Robyn. Only a handful of very important operatives and business contacts have that number. When my phone rings, it's mission critical. I can't just ignore it. And...

He raised an eyebrow.

Hans-Raoul
... it would have been physically impossible to me to talk on the phone if I didn't stop.

She felt her temper rising.

Robyn
There were other things you could've done, asshole, than jump up and shut yourself in the bathroom!

He gave her a patronising look.

Hans-Raoul
Robyn, you don't have the security clearance to be in the room for most of my calls.

Robyn
And you, buddy, don't have the clearance to be fucking your secretary for the rest of the week.

Hans-Raoul
Robyyyn...

Robyn
Shut up! Just stop talking, it's not gonna help you. You can just sit their and spank your all-powerful immortal monkey, for all I care. If you want to get back into my pants, it's gonna cost you.

She turned back to the laptop. Hans-Raoul sat up and tried to look imperial - which he knew, to his chagrin, he often failed to do even when fully clothed.

Hans-Raoul
Vallene lords do not "spank the monkey", as you so crudely put it.

Robyn
I can put it a lot cruder than that, my Lord. So what do Vallene lords do, exactly, jerk each other?

He got up off the bad and glared at her back.

Hans-Raoul
Don't tempt my wrath, mortal wench.

Robyn
Oh, please, sit back down. Or put some pants on, or something.

He walked up behind her and, grabbing her by the neck with both hands, and pulled her out of the chair. He twisted her around so they were looking eye to eye.

Robyn
Let go of me!

Hans-Raoul
You need to learn to respect your betters, Ms. Cheung. Insult me again, and I'll snap your neck.

They held each other's gaze silently for nearly a minute.

Hans-Raoul
What do you want?

Robyn
Your platinum card.

Hans-Raoul
For how long?

Robyn
A week.

He nodded.

Hans-Raoul
You're giving up awfully easily.

Robyn
And I'll remind you about that later ... besides...

He felt her hand moving up his leg.

Robyn
... you're starting to cut off my oxygen, and it's turning me on.

After a brief spell of the more typical autumn rain, the clouds vanished as swiftly as the Navy Square had done, treating the City once more to a crisp, clear day. The leaves in Maple Ridge's Kanaka Park were displayed at their best, yellow and orange, tinged here and there with traces of red. While city-dwellers in more eastern parts of the country were stocking up on dry goods and preparing to hibernate, the temperatures were still mild enough on the West Coast for a pleasant walk in the park.

Despite the warm temperatures, Kate Nereid pulled her jacket closer around her. Lola Lakefront-Property walked next to her. She wore a bright red scarf, not for the weather, but because it suited her.

Lola
Baby, what's wrong? You're depressed.

Kate
No...

Lola
You're so bad at pretending you're happy when you're not. Come on, spill.

Kate's response was a petulant noise. Lola tactfully restrained from rolling her eyes.

Lola
'Trina... You still haven't talked to Jim?

Kate
No... he's left me messages. I'm screening him.

Lola
Did you two break up?

Kate
No. I don't know. It's... it's awful. I can't believe he left!

Lola
You told him to go.

Kate
He shouldn't have listened to me.

Lola
You could've gone after him.

Kate
That's his job, not mine! Whose side are you on?

Lola
Yours, always. I'm just trying to make you realise it's two sided.

Kate
I guess.

Lola
You still don't feel like talking to him?

Kate
It's not that, I want to talk to him... I just don't want to listen to him. I know what he'll say, he'll apologise and make me feel better, but he won't tell me anything. Nothing'll change, and all this...

She gestured to indicate her feelings.

Kate
... will just go back to bubbling under the surface... It's just not worth it, and it's killing me...

Lola slipped her arm around her friend.

Lola
I know. Why don't you just lay it all out for him?

Kate
Would that work? I don't know... It just feels so awful right now... I don't see a way out of it...

Lola
Are you going to break up with him?

Kate
See, that's the thing... I'm angry with him because I want more of him, not less... but even when we're together, it's like he's avoiding me... Our relationship wasn't progressing.

Lola
What do you mean?

Kate
In so many ways it feels like we're still in the first couple weeks. And I don't mean in a good way. Like he's still not sure of me, and still afraid to get too close...

Lola
You feel like he's afraid of getting too close to you?

Kate
Not so much that... or that he's afraid of me getting to close to him... it's like... he's set up this little compartment for me in his life, and he wants me to stay there. I get the feeling that there are places he doesn't want me to go.

Their steps gradually slowed. Lola looked thoughtful.

Lola
Like he was hiding something from you? Another woman, a wife?

Kate
No... he's been pretty open about his past relationships. A little too open sometimes, but that's beside the point...

Lola
But you still feel there's something he's hiding from you. That he doesn't want you to know about.

Kate
Well... I don't know... maybe...

They stopped. Kate, who had been gazing at the leaf-covered path in front of her, looked up at Lola.

Kate
What are you getting at? Do you think he's hiding something from me?

Lola
Well... you said yourself it's like there are places he doesn't want you to go...

Kate
I meant... I don't know what I meant. Grr! Lola, you're not helping...

She started walking briskly. Lola followed.

Lola
Sorry, I don't mean to interrogate you. I'm just trying to make you talk...

Kate
So, what do you think? You seem to think he is hiding something from me...

Lola
Well... I just mean, maybe there are things in his life he doesn't want you to know about...

Kate
You think he's married?

Lola
Kate, this is Jim we're talking about.

Kate
So, what, then?

Lola
Ah... I just... Kate, I don't want you to get hurt.

Kate
Lo', that's very sweet, but I'm already hurt, and if you think you know what's wrong with my boyfriend --

Lola
No, I'm serious, Kate. I don't want you to get hurt.

Kate stopped, again. She looked at Lola in disbelief.

Kate
What are you talking about? Are you saying you think he's violent?

Lola
No, not at all! I mean that maybe he has a very good reason for keeping you out of certain parts of his life.

Kate
Lola, you're being very weird. Is there something you know about Jim that I don't?

Lola took a deep breath.

Lola
Let's keep walking.

At Django Djava, there's a table right near the middle of the back wall. If it's available, this where Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are wont to sit. It was just before mid-day, and the café was very close to being empty. Hydrogen Guy - in daily life, know to the world as Jim Evans - and his long- time friend Chuck War - in daily life, known to the world as Chuck War - sat there now.

Hydrogen Guy
This is nice, Chuck. We don't get out together all that much. It's good to bond.

He sipped his mint hot chocolate. An espresso sat in front of his companion.

Chuck War
Yeah. Well, it's tough, when your beat's the whole planet.

Hydrogen Guy sighed.

Hydrogen Guy
I know. Trust me, in the last year or so, I've gotten to know what you mean very well.

Chuck War
Justice Council keeping you busy?

Hydrogen Guy
I'm busy without the JC, they just add to it. I've been really feeling it lately, Chuck. Keeping Maple Ridge safe, and trying to keep a decent scientific career afloat... then throw in the Justice Council stuff on top of that... no wonder Kate says I don't have time for her.

Chuck nodded.

Chuck War
I hear you. She still angry?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. I've tried calling her... she won't talk to me. I can't say I blame her. I should never have left that night...

Chuck War
She'll cool off eventually. Just make sure you're there for her when she's ready... And duck. Remember to duck.

Hydrogen Guy grinned.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, super-atomic speed, remember? No... [sighs] A lot of what she says is right... I realise I have been holding our relationship back, willingly and subconsciously, for a number of reasons...

Chuck War
HG, why don't you just tell her who you really are? This is the twenty-first century. Lots of 'heroes these days just dispense with the whole secret identity. Look at me, Helium Girl... heck, even the Piece came clean earlier this year. It'd make your whole life easier...

Hydrogen Guy shook his head.

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, it just wouldn't work for me. If Hans-Raoul, ICBC, the Crustacean, all knew who I was, the people I love would become targets. My parents, sisters, Kate, Dave, the Institute... it's not just about making my life easier... I'm not the only one who'd have to live with the risks.

Chuck War
But if you don't tell Kate, you'll lose her anyway.

Hydrogen Guy
I... I can't tell Kate. She doesn't like superheroes, Chuck. She thinks we're arrogant, callous jerks.

Chuck War
Hey, so does Lola, but she's dating me, isn't she?

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, you're so upstanding, you sleep like a horse. Me... well, I've made some blunders. I can be pretty arrogant sometimes, as DB and the Grayhound occasionally point out to me. If I tell her now, with half the city including her still pissed off at me for last week's blackout, it'll just make a bad situation worse... I don't know if she could forgive me for being Hydrogen Guy.

Chuck War
Jim... you're dangerously close to losing Kate's trust. Now is the time to come clean, and let Kate make up her own mind whether she forgives you or not. Besides... if you don't tell her you're Hydrogen Guy, I'm afraid someone else will.

Hydrogen Guy
What? Who?

Chuck downed the last of his espresso. When he spoke, he'd lowered his voice to almost a whisper.

Chuck War
I think Lola's starting to put the pieces together.

Hydrogen Guy
About my identity?

Chuck War
Yeah... Ever since that night with the Carpenter Ant, I think she's been suspicious. Since you've been seeing Kate, you've been meeting Lola as both HG and Jim Evans, and there are things you've said... Like I said, I think she's pieced it together.

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit. DAMMIT! Are you sure? Has she said anything to you?

Chuck War
Not in so many words... she asked me that night if I knew who you were... She's never voiced anything to me, but sometimes I see her watching you, and I can hear the wheels turning in her head...

Hydrogen Guy
You just HAD to fall for an investigative reporter, didn't you? You can't convince her it's someone else?

Chuck War
Not without giving the whole game away! Dammit HG... I shouldn't even be telling you this, it feels like I'm betraying her trust...

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, if you think she's ready to go public with my identity, that's a serious breach of League protocol. You need to tell me.

Chuck War
Believe it or not, Hydrogen Guy, she wouldn't do that, unless she had a damn good reason. She's kept a lot of your secrets for you already, hasn't she? Like the Otter's Dike incident? But lemme tell you this, she cares a lot about Kate. And if she thought your dual identity would hurt her, she would tell her.

Robyn Cheung strolled blissfully along Dewdney Trunk, Hans-Raoul's Platinum AmEx card nestled comfortably in her wallet, and a small bag holding a few hundred dollars in designer sari swinging jauntily in her hand. She wore a short black dress, her black walking heels, and a tight red cardigan with just the middle button done up over the dress. She maneuvered through the crowded sidewalks of Maple Ridge's trendiest shopping district, coolly evaluating those she passed, glancing in store windows, and generally feeling that all was right with the world, not that any of it was worth her notice.

A particular shade caught her eye. She halted her progress before the window of a shop which, she remembered, had been very good to her in the past. The shade which had attracted her was a deep green, and the deep green was a deep green pea coat, a very attarctive pea coat, she thought. She liked the way it flattered the mannequin's hips; she could see it doing very nice things for her, particularly with the long black skirt she'd bought and transferred back to the car in the first load that morning... A sign in the lower corner of the window said "40% off", and her mind was made up.

This was not an opportunity to pass up.

Robyn sauntered purposefully into the store and accosted the first sales clerk her eyes fell on.

Sales clerk
Hi there!

Robyn
Hello, I'd like to try a pea coat, like the one in the window.

Sales clerk
Oh, those are nice, aren't they? They're over here...

Robyn followed her across the store to a rack of coats. There were several in the desirable green, plus others in a dark tan and a russet. A woman in blonde curls was trying on one of the green ones in front of a nearby mirror. She was studying herself carefully, turning around, holding her arms in different positions.

Sales clerk
What size were you looking for?

Robyn told her. The girl's eyes widened.

Sales clerk
Wow, you are so lucky.

Robyn smiled.

Robyn
I know.

Sales clerk
Let's see...

She started flipping through the coats. Her smile fell.

Sales clerk
Hmm... I don't see any of that size in the green... Do you want to try one of the others?

Robyn glanced at the tan and russet, evaluated them, and shook her head.

Robyn
No. It has to be the green.

The sales clerk frowned again and started flipping through the coats again. The blonde woman in front of the mirror looked over to them - it was none other than Helium Girl, in her civilian guise of Yolanda St. Claire (wearing designer jeans, black ankle boots, and a pale blue sweater that was just to die for).

Yolanda
Ohmygod, I'm, like, so sorry! This is the last one in that size.

Robyn's smile froze into a far more calculating expression.

Robyn
Oh. That is too bad. You don't mind if I try it on, do you?

Yolanda met her gaze. They instantly understood one another - this was a deadly serious contest.

Yolanda
Actually, I think I'm going to buy this one. I'm totally sorry, that, like, majorly sucks. Maybe they, like, have some more in the Back?

They both glanced at the sales clerk, who suddenly felt as if she'd strayed into one of the rougher no man's lands of Bosnia.

Sales clerk
Uh, what you see here is all the stock we have...

The answer was, of course, completely anticipated on both sides. However, it's essential to observe all the rules of the game.

Robyn
Maybe you could run in the Back and check? Maybe there were some you didn't see.

Sales clerk
I guess I could if you want...

She hesitated, unsure whether it was wise to leave the two combatants alone. However, if she refused, she knew that one or both might turn on her. She braced herself.

Sales clerk
I'll be right back.

She hurried off. Yolanda went back to studying herself in the mirror, while Robyn looked on.

Yolanda
It is a nice coat.

Robyn
Oh, totally. I've been looking for something like that for ages.

Yolanda
Oh, it's like totally hard to find a nice pea coat, isn't it? Especially this size...

Yolanda turned back to study her.

Yolanda
Are you, like, sure you don't like the russet? I think it'd look way better with your complexion. You have these totally gorgeous autumn tones.

Robyn
Thanks. You know, I've always loved that colour, though. I have a black skirt in mind that it would complement really well.

Yolanda
Oh, like the sort of slinky, swishy kind?

Robyn
Yeah.

Yolanda
Oh, that'd be great. I hope you find one.

She held steadfast. Clearly, thought Robyn, this woman was experienced.

Yolanda
You might be able to get away with going up a size. These things look pretty good, actually, like, when they're a bit big?

Robyn smiled slightly.

Robyn
No. I'm small for that size. It'd just look like a tent on me. You might be able to go up a size, though, you'd probably find it slimming.

Yolanda glared at her. At that moment the sales clerk returned.

Sales clerk
I'm so sorry, that's all we have. I could call one of our other stores, if you like, and see if they have it in stock?

She was offering Robyn a chance to back down gracefully.

Robyn
No, no thanks... listen...

She looked at Yolanda.

Robyn
I'd really, really like to have that coat.

Yolanda
I'm, like, totally sorry, but I found it first. I'm going to buy it.

Robyn
I'll give you fifty dollars for it.

Yolanda
Sorry...

Robyn
U.S.

Yolanda took the jacket off. For a brief moment, Robyn thought she'd won. Then Yolanda handed the pea coat to the sales clerk.

Yolanda
No thank you. I'll take this, please.

Sales clerk
Uh, okay...

Yolanda walked past her, heading for the cash. Robyn laid a hand on the clerk's arms.

Robyn
Listen, this is 40% off, right? I'll give you full price for it.

Sales clerk
Uh, I'm sorry, I --

Robyn
Plus 10% commission.

The clerk hesitated. She caught Yolanda's glance from the cash, then shook her head.

Sales clerk
I'm sorry, miss. I'll just ring this up, and come help you find something else.

She slipped free of Robyn's grasp. Robyn stared after her, fuming. She could feel one of her dizzy headaches coming on... Without a backward glance, she strode out of the store.

Yolanda had left her car in a lot a few blocks from the shop. She stormed back to it, angrily shutting off the car alarm and popping the trunk. Imagine, like, the total nerve of that bitch! She fumed to herself as she tossed her bags into the trunk. First trying to make me give her the coat, then, like, trying to bribe me, then trying to bribe the clerk! Ohmygod, if I ever see her again --

Her fiery reflections were interrupted when she realised that the click of heels on the pavement, which she'd been subtly conscious of, had suddenly stopped behind her. Yolanda turned around quickly, and saw it was the chick in the black dress and red cardigan from the store.

Yolanda
Now what do you want?

Robyn
I want the coat.

Yolanda
You can't have it! I bought it, okay? Just, like, get another one!

The woman stood about ten feet away from her. Just then Robyn realised there was something wrong with the woman, something with her eyes.

Yolanda
Hey, like, what's the --

Red lightning enveloped her,and everything seemed to explode around her.

Holy Unholy Terrors! The demon takes possession of Robyn Cheung a second time! Can Helium Girl survive the onslaught? And will Jim Evans and Kate Nereid's relationship survive - at the cost of Hydrogen Guy's secret identity? Find out in the spine-tingling conclusion of...

Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!