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[INTRODUCTORY MUSIC]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Good evening, friends. This is Hydrogen Guy speaking to you on your favourite United Heroes Radio Station, and I'd like to welcome you all to our 100th episode. It's difficult to believe that nearly a whole century of programmes have passed by. It seems like only yesterday that --
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Hold it! Hang on a second, Hydrogen Guy!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Oh, hello there, Deuterium Boy. What seems to be the trouble?
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Hydrogen Guy, something's wrong with my voice!
HYDROGEN GUY:
It sounds fine to me, Deuterium Boy.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
What do you mean, it sounds fine to you? It's all high-pitched and squeaky! I sound like a twelve-year-old kid!
HYDROGEN GUY:
It's not that high, Deuterium Boy, and I wouldn't call it "squeaky". It's true, some boys your age find their voices starting to deepen --
DEUTERIUM BOY:
What do you mean, "some boys my age"? I'm twenty-nine years old! I'm three months older than you, for golly's sake! What -- did I just say "golly"?
HYDROGEN GUY:
[chuckles] That's some imaginative game you're playing, Deuterium Boy, but we don't have time for that right now. I'm just about to introduce the special 100th episode of our radio adventure programme, "The Files of Hydrogen Guy".
DEUTERIUM BOY:
It's N, isn't it? That no-good creep did something to us, didn't he?! Or, wait, is this some scheme that Rob cooked up? ROB! ROB! Where's the story director? ROB!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Ah... right. Deuterium Boy, I think maybe you should go have a lie-down.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
But - but -
HYDROGEN GUY:
Off you go, now... Sorry about that, everyone. Deuterium Boy can get a little over-excited sometimes. And now, I see our time is running on, so without further ado, let me present a gripping tale of crime and international intrigue: The Claws of Terror!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
The City of Haney, British Columbia! Our story begins one dark and moonless night. As the metropolis sleeps, foul work is afoot at the Imperial Bank...
[SFX: Drilling through rock]
TIPLER:
How's it coming with that drill?
CROOK #1:
Almost through now, Mr. Tipler.
[SFX: Drill breaking through]
CROOK #1:
There! Okay, gimme the dynamite!
TIPLER:
Remember the plan: when we get in the vault, you and you, grab the money and whatever you can; you and you, look for the documents.
ALL CROOKS:
Okay, got it [etc.]
[SFX: Match, burning fuse]
CROOK #1:
Everybody get back!
[SFX: Explosion, falling rubble]
[SFX: Alarm]
TIPLER:
We're in! Let's go, quick now! ... Matheson, grab those bags, there's notes in there.
CROOK #2:
What about these coins?
TIPLER:
Leave'em, they'll just weigh us down. What about those documents, eh? Hutch?... Hutchinson! Delaney! What happened to the other two?
CROOK #1:
I -- I dunno, boss. They were right here a second ago!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Actually, they're right here.
CROOK #2:
It's that Hydrogen Guy!
HYDROGEN GUY:
I took the trouble to let myself in through an air vent.
TIPLER:
Oh yeah? I'll fix you!
[SFX: Gunshots]
HYDROGEN GUY:
You missed, Tipler!
TIPLER:
How's that possible? I couldn't have missed at this distance!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Chemistry lesson number one: hydrogen is the lightest, hence the most mobile, of all atoms!
TIPLER:
Smart guy! Well, I'll -- what the --?!
CROOK #1:
He's gone!
CROOK #2:
He's behind us!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Chemistry lesson two: hydrogen is an invisible, colourless, and odourless gas.
TIPLER:
Maybe you can dodge one of us, you spook, but not all of us shooting at once!
CROOK #1:
Yeah, that's right!... AAAH!
[SFX: heavy objects dropping]
TIPLER:
OWW!
CROOK #2:
AUGH! The metal's burning our hands!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Chemistry lesson three: If you know how to break the right chemical bonds, you can make nitric acid from oxygen, nitrogen, and water vapour, all of which are present in the air. And nitric acid has an affinity for metals.
CROOK #1:
Let's get outta here!
TIPLER:
Get back here, you coward! We don't need guns to finish him off!
CROOK #2:
Get 'im!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Eager for a taste of my Ruler of Justice, are you? Have at you, then!
CROOKS:
AHH! OOOF! ARGH! ARR! OOOH!
TIPLER:
[moaning]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Now to finish the job...
TIPLER:
Wha-- no! Wait! Y-you wouldn't shoot a guy when he was down, would ya?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Hold still, and this won't hurt a bit...
[SFX: staples firing]
TIPLER:
Hey!
CROOK #2:
He stapled our clothes to the ground!
HYDROGEN GUY:
There, those should hold you until the police arrive.
[SFX: Approaching sirens]
HYDROGEN GUY:
And here they come now. Tell them hello from me - Hydrogen Guy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SFX: background noise, a busy café. A bell rings as the shop door opens and closes]
CARL:
Mornin', Professor.
EVANS:
Good morning, Carl.
MARCOLIN:
Hiya, Carl!
CARL:
Hiya, Davey! The usual for you gents?
EVANS:
Yes, please.
CARL:
Sure thing. Two hot chocolates, coming right up.
MARCOLIN:
I want a heavy water mocha latté.
CARL:
A heavy what the what now?
MARCOLIN:
A mocha latté. Ah... never mind...
EVANS:
Maybe it's a bad idea for you to have hot chocolate before school. I think you've been having too much sugar as it is.
MARCOLIN:
I told you, I'm not going to school.
EVANS:
Now, Davey, don't start that again --
MARCOLIN:
And will you guys stop calling me "Davey"? It's "David"!
CARL:
Hey, the kid's got quite a lip on'im. Here's your hot chocolates.
EVANS:
Thanks, Carl.
CARL:
What's all this about you not goin' to school?
MARCOLIN:
That's for kids. I'm an adult.
CARL:
You got at least another foot and a half to go before that happens, shorty.
MARCOLIN:
What? Carl, I do not! And what's with that accent, anyway? Since when do you talk like you're from Brooklyn?
CARL:
Whoa, are you makin' fun of my accent? I don't think I really heard you say that, kid --
EVANS:
That's quite enough, David. Drink your hot chocolate and we'll talk about this later.
MARCOLIN:
But --
EVANS:
After school.
MARCOLIN:
[sighs] Yes, sir.
CARL:
So, professor... I heard Hydrogen Guy had a hand in catchin' those bank robbers last night.
EVANS:
I heard something like that, too.
CARL:
You're startin' to get quite a name for yourself, y'know?
EVANS:
That's unavoidable, I'm afraid. At least I feel like I'm doing some good in the world.
CARL:
Yeah, but you gotta be careful, professor. Y'know who Tipler worked for, don't ya?
EVANS:
Yes, I know. He was the Crustacean's man.
MARCOLIN:
The Crustacean! Jeepers, Hydrogen Guy!
CARL:
There's some say, you get on the Crustacean's bad side, and you'll be sleepin' with the crabs. And I don't mean the old broads down on Seventh Avenue.
EVANS:
I'm not afraid of the Crustacean, Carl, whoever he may be. Criminals like him have to learn that the people of this city won't put up with their terror and lawlessness anymore.
MARCOLIN:
Yeah! I'd like to pop that Crustacean right in the kisser!
CARL:
You're just the one to do it, too, David. I'm just sayin', you guys, be careful. There was someone in here a little while ago askin' about you, you know. A big guy.
EVANS:
Really? For me, or for Hydrogen Guy?
CARL:
For Professor Evans. And I don't think he was lookin' for help in his physics homework, if y'know what I mean.
[SFX: bell]
CARL:
[whispering] That's him there. Be careful, professor, he's got a bulge under his coat. It might be a heater.
EVANS:
Ah, no need to worry, Carl. He's a friend of mine... Morning, Luke.
GARDNER:
Hi, Jim. I was in looking for you earlier...
EVANS:
So I heard. Just get back into town?
GARDNER:
Touched down not more than an hour ago.
EVANS:
Carl and David, this is Colonel Luke Gardner of Interplanetary Space Customs. We met a couple months ago during the Fermion Fandangle case in Ottawa. Luke, this is Carl, who runs the best coffee shop in Haney, and my ward and sidekick, David Marcolin.
GARDNER:
Good to meet you.
CARL:
Likewise.
MARCOLIN:
Interplanetary Space Customs? Wow!
EVANS:
There's a free booth in the back where we can talk, Luke. Come on, Davey...
MARCOLIN:
David!
[pause]
EVANS:
Been busy, Luke?
GARDNER:
I just got back from Martian Headquarters. There's been an increase in space piracy in the asteroid belt; a group calling themselves the Zxanxi, from somewhere out past Neptune. I'm expecting further information over the space telegraph when it's available.
MARCOLIN:
Space pirates? Really?
GARDNER:
I'm afraid so, Deuterium Boy.
MARCOLIN:
Are you like a space police officer, Col. Gardner?
GARDNER:
Well, more like a Customs agent. Just like when you take a trip overseas on Earth, you have to go through customs between countries. Interplanetary Space Customs is the same thing, only we regulate the flow of goods between planets, not countries.
MARCOLIN:
Wow!
EVANS:
Luke is ISC's agent assigned to Earth.
GARDNER:
In the special case of Earth, it's my job to make sure aliens and alien technology stay off the planet. At least until Earth is ready for it.
EVANS:
And the other planets in the Solar System are ready for Earth, I'd say.
MARCOLIN:
What do you mean?
GARDNER:
Well, Earth is quite a bit more warlike than Mars, Venus, and most of the other space-faring planets. Earth is off-limits until it gives up war and shows itself to be peaceful.
MARCOLIN:
Golly! What if some bunch of aliens tries to invade Earth?
GARDNER:
Well, then it'd be up to the other planets to stop them. Pluto is the most aggressive world in the Solar System, but King Krullux knows better than to try something that foolish. The Martians won't put up with interplanetary war... By the way, Deuterium Boy, it's an honour to finally meet you.
MARCOLIN:
Wow, really? Thanks!
GARDNER:
Hydrogen Guy tells me we have you to thank for you two becoming the Diatomic Duo.
MARCOLIN:
Aw, not really. It was Mikey's fault!
GARDNER:
Mikey?
EVANS:
Deuterium Boy's pet monkey. You see, David and his family used to perform in the circus. David's father was a good friend of mine in University, so when his parents passed away David and Mikey came to live with me. When David got older, I let him help me in the lab at the University.
MARCOLIN:
There's just something weird about this story...
EVANS:
As you know, I'm a lecturer in physics, chemistry and radioactivity at the University. I was doing some experiments with super-radiated hydrogen in the lab one night, and Mikey somehow got loose from his cage.
MARCOLIN:
I'd locked the cage, honest! He must have figured out how to open it himself.
GARDNER:
Venusian gibbons are good at that, too.
EVANS:
The mischievous ape knocked over a cabinet full of acids, and I had to move instantly to snatch David from danger. Unfortunately, I had to drop the vial of super-radiated hydrogen I was holding, and it shattered!
GARDNER:
Then what happened?
EVANS:
It triggered an explosive reaction with the contents of the cabinet! When I awoke the next day in the hospital, I was amazed to find that I, David and even the monkey had gained hydrogen super-powers.
[SFX: telephone ringing]
GARDNER:
That's some tale.
EVANS:
It gets stranger every day...
CARL:
Sorry to interrupt, professor...
EVANS:
What's the matter, Carl?
CARL:
Detective Parker just called looking for Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. They're needed at City Hall right away!
MARCOLIN:
Oh boy!
EVANS:
Did he say what it was about?
CARL:
No, he just said it was urgent.
EVANS:
We'd better go. You're in luck, David, it seems like your great-aunt Mathilda's sick again and you need to stay home from school.
MARCOLIN:
Hah!
EVANS:
Care to come along, Luke?
GARDNER:
Sure, maybe I can lend a hand. We'll take the Space-Rig.
EVANS:
Can we use the Space-Siren?
GARDNER:
Not within city limits.
EVANS:
Ah, well.
[EXCITING MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
A short time later, the Covalent Crusaders and friend arrive at city hall...
PARKER:
Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy! Glad you could make it. Darned peculiar, calling a coffee shop. Still, it gets the job done.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Hello, Detective. You remember Luke Gardner?
PARKER:
Right, right, the space man. Good to have you on board. No little green men in this case, though - at least, I hope not. Just plain old Earthling intrigue.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Intrigue?
HYDROGEN GUY:
What's the situation, Detective?
PARKER:
It's very delicate, Hydrogen Guy, and very unusual. You're the only one we could think of to call. Come with me.
[SFX: footsteps]
PARKER:
As you may be aware, a delegation from Urgoslavania has been travelling across the country. Building up good will between Canadians and Urgoslavanians, that kind of thing.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Yes, I'd heard about that. It includes the Crown Princess and the Urgoslavanian National Secretary of State, doesn't it?
PARKER:
That's right. King Stephen spent some time in Vancouver during the Great War, and Princess Marguerite was apparently quite eager to see the city.
GARDNER:
I get the feeling you're going to tell us that something happened to interfere with her plans, Detective.
PARKER:
Darned straight it did, Gardner, pardon my language. The Princess chartered a special train from Banff to Haney. Three cars were waiting for them at the station when they arrived. Only two cars made it to the hotel. The third car, the one carrying the Princess, has vanished without a trace!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Great Persephone Pilfering!
HYDROGEN GUY:
You said a mouthful, Deuterium Boy.
[SFX: Footsteps stop]
PARKER:
I hope you fellows can help me crack this one. I've got a lot of big wigs breathing down my neck right now.
HYDROGEN GUY:
That's an interesting mental image, Detective.
[SFX: Door opening and closing]
PARKER:
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, our local specialists in bizarre and sensitive crimes, and their colleague, Col. Luke Gardner. Hydrogen Guy, you know the Mayor...
MAYOR:
Hydrogen Guy, thank goodness you've come!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Glad to be of service, Mr. Mayor.
PARKER:
... and this is Mr. Leblanc, from the Prime Minister's Office, and Urgoslavanian Secretary of State, the Honourable Terrier Ironcore.
IRONCORE:
[with thick accent] What is this, Leblanc? How can these costumed persons be of use to us?
LEBLANC:
This is rather irregular, Detective...
MAYOR:
I assure you, gentlemen, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy have served this city numerous times in the recent past.
PARKER:
They're the men for the job, take my word for it.
LEBLANC:
Are they discreet?
MAYOR:
Utterly, have no fear.
HYDROGEN GUY:
We're still here, in the room, you know.
LEBLANC:
Yes, yes, of course.
IRONCORE:
We shall see how long, eh? Very well, I am willing to try anything, anything at all.
LEBLANC:
Ah, Hydrogen Guy, Col. Gardner, I trust Detective Parker has explained our situation to you?
HYDROGEN GUY:
In brief, yes. Princess Marguerite has disappeared.
IRONCORE:
She has been kidnapped! Seized by your Canadian criminals!
PARKER:
It's early yet to jump to any conclusions, Mr. Secretary.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Indeed. It could be quite likely that foreign agents are at work here as well... Mr. Secretary, has the King been informed yet?
IRONCORE:
Of course, how could I keep from him that his only daughter, and the heir to the throne, has been kidnapped? I sent secure telegram immediately.
GARDNER:
How much time has passed since the Princess was last seen?
IRONCORE:
Two hours. Last time I see, she was getting into car. Ah! I should have insisted on riding with her. But I had papers to look over, no time for the chatter chatter... ah!
HYDROGEN GUY:
And the car, where was it last seen?
PARKER:
The Princess's car was separated from the others in traffic. A moving van came between it and the rest of the procession just near Dewdney and 3rd.
HYDROGEN GUY:
For how long?
IRONCORE:
We are not sure. Two minutes? Five? Long enough. And then, when van moves away, pouf! Princess's car is gone.
PARKER:
Obviously the driver was in cahoots with the kidnappers.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Who was he?
PARKER:
A guy named Hans Dürchfall. German-born, Canadian citizen. The limousine company says he's been with them four years, he has a good record.
GARDNER:
Well, not anymore, he doesn't.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Maybe he's a Nazi!
PARKER:
We're looking into any connections he may have.
IRONCORE:
Yes, yes. Clearly he is a despicable man!
HYDROGEN GUY:
What other measures are you taking? I presume you've put an APB out on the car?
PARKER:
Naturally. But it's getting easier and easier these days to hide a car in the city, so many underground garages and back alleys. We're also looking for the van, but without plates, it's like looking for a moving needle in a multi-storey haystack.
IRONCORE:
There isn't time for your haystacks, Detective. I do not see this is helping!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Patience, please, Mr. Secretary. We have to be methodical. Now, is there anything else you can tell us? What about the Princess herself, Marguerite. Did she seem in an unusual mood at all? Upset, or distracted?
IRONCORE:
No, no, nothing of the kind. Excited about seeing British Columbia province, and the city of Vancouver.
HYDROGEN GUY:
So she showed no sign that she knew something was wrong... Parker says you chartered a special train from Banff. Has anyone gone over the train, specifically the Princess's carriage?
IRONCORE:
This is preposterous! How can looking at train help us? I saw with my own eyes, she got in the car, everyone who was there saw this.
HYDROGEN GUY:
The carriage may hold some clue to her disappearance.
IRONCORE:
I do not believe so.
HYDROGEN GUY:
What was the Princess wearing at the time?
IRONCORE:
Ah, I am not so good with women's things, er, red dress, heavy brown coat, fur hat she bought in Banff, and long scarf, she was afraid she might catch cold, I think.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Gloves?
IRONCORE:
Yes, of course. What does this matter?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Well, we need to know what she was wearing if we're going to find her, don't we?
LEBLANC:
All of this will be in the police report, Hydrogen Guy.
IRONCORE:
This is not getting us anywhere. Mr. Leblanc, I do not see what good these people will do, this costumed man and his small boy.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
I am not a "small boy"!
LEBLANC:
Hydrogen Guy, what we really need from you is your support in those areas which are your speciality. I understand you have access to channels of investigation that are not open to Detective Parker and the regular police force.
HYDROGEN GUY:
I understand, Mr. Leblanc. I'm simply trying to get at what I consider the basic facts of the case.
LEBLANC:
Of course, of course.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Mr. Ironcore, aside from the obvious motive of ransom, can you think of any group or individuals who would gain by kidnapping the Princess?
IRONCORE:
Well...
HYDROGEN GUY:
Yes?
IRONCORE:
As maybe you know, Mr. Hydrogen Guy, my country Urgoslavania is considered to be of strategic importance by the central and eastern European powers. Our government has always maintained a carefully neutral position, simply because it is feared that to become a satellite of one of our greater neighbours would lead to our absorption.
HYDROGEN GUY:
I understand... Do you suspect that agents of one of these neighbouring powers may have taken the Princess to use as leverage against your government?
IRONCORE:
Such an intrigue is not out of the question. These are dangerous times... Now, I am afraid I must leave you. The business of state does not end even in such a crisis, and there is a meeting I must attend.
MAYOR:
Of course, sir. Once again, please accept my sincerest apologies for this incident, and know that the we will not rest until the Princess has been safely returned.
IRONCORE:
Thank you, Your Honour. Gentlemen, we shall meet again soon, no doubt. Good day.
[SFX: Door opening and shutting]
LEBLANC:
Hydrogen Guy, Col. Gardner, I have to stress again how crucial it is that the Princess be found quickly and without incident. It would be a disaster for Canada and her allies should either of the European powers Secretary Ironcore alluded to force the Urgoslavanians into an alliance.
HYDROGEN GUY:
I understand, Mr. Leblanc. Please tell the Prime Minister that we'll do our utmost. Detective Parker --
PARKER:
Hm!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Is the Princess's train still at the station?
PARKER:
As far as I know.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Good. We'll go have a look while you continue looking for the car. We'll be in touch. Good day, Mr. Mayor, Mr. Leblanc. Let's go, Deuterium Boy.
[SFX: Door opening and shutting]
[SFX: footsteps down hallway]
GARDNER:
Well, you seem like you have some idea of what's going on.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Nothing much, Luke, just a few theories I don't think the police have thought of looking into yet.
GARDNER:
Or that Secretary Ironcore wants you to look into. He seemed pretty adamant against any examination of the Princess's carriage.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Yes, or of anything except his story that she disappeared in the car.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
I don't trust him, Hydrogen Guy.
HYDROGEN GUY:
To be frank, neither do I, Deuterium Boy. He's hiding something. Maybe we'll find out what that is at the station...
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SFX: car engine idling]
[SFX: car door opening and shutting]
IRONCORE:
Good morning, Count Galerkin.
GALERKIN:
Ah, Mr. Ironcore. No, no "Count" here, since coming to Canada I have been just plain Hans-Raoul Galerkin, a wealthy industrialist of aristocratic Russian birth.
[SFX: tapping on glass]
GALERKIN:
Drive on.
[SFX: car accelerating]
GALERKIN:
How did the meeting go?
IRONCORE:
Just as expected. The Mayor and police force have pledged their full co-operation.
GALERKIN:
Good. They're very reliable, that way; always ready to expend their energy without result.
IRONCORE:
How is the Princess?
GALERKIN:
Our guest is sleeping. No doubt she's tired from the journey. And possibly the knock-out drops have something to do with it, too. She's quite comfortable, and unharmed, no need to worry.
IRONCORE:
It is of no concern to me whether she is harmed or unharmed, Count - I mean, Mr. Galerkin. All that matters is that she stay alive long enough to accomplish our goals.
GALERKIN:
That's not very gentlemanly, Ironcore. Don't you have any affection for your royal family?
IRONCORE:
My only affection is to be governor of Urgoslavania under the new regime.
GALERKIN:
Good. It's important to keep focused. Don't let yourself be distracted from the ultimate goal. Well, now we'll head back to my compound, where I'll introduce you to my organisation.
IRONCORE:
Ah, there is one detail, about the meeting.
GALERKIN:
Yes?
IRONCORE:
The Mayor has called in a rather strange individual. He wears a blue costume, a cape and mask.
GALERKIN:
Oh, one of those, eh? I wouldn't worry.
IRONCORE:
He is called Hydrogen Guy. Do you know him?
GALERKIN:
Hydrogen Guy? So you say Hydrogen Guy is investigating the Princess's disappearance... that changes matters somewhat.
IRONCORE:
You believe this person is a danger to us?
GALERKIN:
Though we've yet to meet, he's caused me some annoyance recently. But, no, I don't think he's a danger to us. And if he gets in our way, ... [voice deepens] then Hydrogen Guy will feel the killing claws of the Crustacean! HA HA HA HA!!
[SFX: laughter fades out]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
What nefarious plans do the sinister Crustacean and the traitorous Terrier Ironcore have for Princess Marguerite? Can Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stop them in time? Will Deuterium Boy discover puberty? Tune in next week, same Hydrogen time, same Hydrogen station, to learn the answers!
[ENDING MUSIC]
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