| Previous Episode | Year 3s Archiv es | Hydrogen Guy Main Page | Forum | Next Episode |
[INTRODUCTORY MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
Previously on "The Files of Hydrogen Guy", the Diatomic Duo and Luke Gardner, agent for Interplanetary Space Customs, were called to investigate an unusual disappearance. The victim: Princess Marguerite of Urgoslavania, whose car mysteriously vanished shortly after arriving in the City! We now return to the story in, "The Claws of Terror, Part II".
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
Deep in the forests a few miles north of the City of Haney, British Columbia, the wealthy Russian-born industrialist Hans-Raoul Galerkin arrives at his secluded mansion with his distinguished foreign guest...
WIGBY:
Here you are, sir, the drawing room.
GALERKIN:
Make yourself comfortable, Minister Ironcore.
IRONCORE:
[with thick accent] Thank you, Mr. Galerkin.
GALERKIN:
Will you have anything?
IRONCORE:
Vodka, please.
GALERKIN:
And I'll have a whiskey and soda, Wigby.
WIGBY:
Very good, sir.
[SFX: mixing drinks]
IRONCORE:
You have pleasant home, Galerkin.
GALERKIN:
Thank you. Though what matters to me is that it serves its purpose.
IRONCORE:
What purpose is this?
GALERKIN:
It provides me with a secluded command centre for my operations, and it presents the right kind of image to those who come here - that of a prosperous, tasteful man.
WIGBY:
Your drinks, sir.
GALERKIN:
Thank you, that'll be all, Wigby. See that we're not disturbed.
WIGBY:
Very good, sir.
[SFX: door closing]
IRONCORE:
So how you present yourself, is the rich man with time on his hands, heh? You play the socialite, the benefactor?
GALERKIN:
Sometimes. There's no sense in drawing unwanted attention to myself. Too many parties here, and some curious meddler is bound to stumble on the fact that I am the criminal mastermind known as the Crustacean... Besides, deep down, I hate people.
IRONCORE:
That is strong statement, Galerkin! People are not hateful, they are just as children. They need firm, sometimes hard, hand to guide them. This is something that current government of Urgoslavania fails to recognise.
GALERKIN:
And that is why you want to be more than simply the Secretary of State in the government of Urgoslavania.
IRONCORE:
Exactly! King Stephen has too long let Urgoslavania decline, toadying to British and North American governments. He refuses alliance with other nations in East-Central Europe that he fears are too strong. But such strength is what people of Urgoslavania need!
GALERKIN:
And once we use Stephen's daughter to force him into an alliance with my clients, they'll recognise that you're the man for the job.
IRONCORE:
Exactly!
GALERKIN:
But of course, Minister Ironcore, they'll also realise that a man who can be persuaded to betray one government, can easily be persuaded to betray another.
[pause]
GALERKIN:
[laughs] Don't look so grim, Ironcore! I'm just having some fun at your expense.
IRONCORE:
Canadian sense of humour is not very funny, Mr. Galerkin.
GALERKIN:
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend. Well, shall we go see the Princess, then?
IRONCORE:
She is here?
GALERKIN:
Not exactly. You see that panel, by the fireplace? All I have to do is touch this iron lobster here...
[SFX: wood panel creaking open]
IRONCORE:
A secret exit!
GALERKIN:
Yes. All the best mansions have them. Watch your step, it's a little dark in this passage.
[SFX: echoing footsteps]
GALERKIN:
The crude wooden torches don't give much light, I'm afraid, but they're atmospheric, don't you think?
IRONCORE:
It is secret passage that would do honour to the castle of an old Urgoslavanian count, Galerkin.
GALERKIN:
Thank you, Ironcore. And please, call me Hans-Raoul... I am taking you to the nerve centre of my operation. We call ourselves the Insidious Criminal Brotherhood of Canada.
IRONCORE:
Insidious! I like it very much!
GALERKIN:
Thank you. The name is a little grandiose for something I run out of my basement... watch your step, the large stone in the middle here is booby-trapped... but we have a grandiose vision. We're well on our way to cornering the underworld here on the West Coast. Haney and Vancouver are ours, Seattle and Portland are close, and our man Zvolen in San Francisco is making great progress. Already we're starting to attract promising talent from far and wide. We've just put another man in Boise, and we've high hopes for him as well... Ah, we're here. I'll pull the rope... stand back, the stone swings out a bit...
[SFX: grinding stone]
GALERKIN:
And here we are! I.C.B.C. headquarters.
IRONCORE:
My word, Hans-Raoul! What is all this equipment? And the heat?
GALERKIN:
That is the heat of progress! All of this equipment you see is the interface for a giant device called an electronic computer. The machine itself is half again as large as the mansion above us, and is located entirely underground. The heat you feel is produced by the millions of vacuum tubes used in its construction.
IRONCORE:
To what purpose?
GALERKIN:
Control and co-ordination, Ironcore. The electronic computer is a device which can store whole libraries of information and perform calculations with it at a tremendous rate, some thousands of calculations a minute. It was developed very recently by the military, and we've stolen the plans. Using this giant mechanical brain, as some call it, we can mechanize every part of our operation, all with a previously undreamed of efficiency.
IRONCORE:
Very remarkable! I thought you were merely common intriguer, Hans-Raoul, but you show me you are captain of your industry, a visionary!
GALERKIN:
No, just an opportunist. That's all a visionary is, an opportunist who shows up early. Here is the man who made it all possible. Minister Terrier Ironcore, may I present Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking, late of British Military Intelligence. It was he who brought us the plans for the computer.
IRONCORE:
I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Doctor.
HAWKING:
Minister Ironcore. Welcome to the control centre of the Multi-Analytic Linear Differential/Integral Computer.
GALERKIN:
And this young man is some of that promising talent I was boasting about - Jean-Marc Trudeau.
TRUDEAU:
M. Ironcore.
IRONCORE:
Ah, M. Trudeau. You are the one they call the Black Rose, no? Some of our agents in Quebec City have brought us reports of you.
TRUDEAU:
I find that regrettable.
IRONCORE:
You misunderstand me, monsieur. They were very good reports, impressive reports!
TRUDEAU:
Pardon, Minister, I meant that I found it regrettable your agents survived to bring you those reports.
GALERKIN:
[chuckles] You see, Ironcore, I have to watch him carefully. I suspect he means to have my job someday, with or without my retirement. Is everything in order with the MALDIC, gentlemen?
HAWKING:
Trudeau was just helping me in running some tests of the memory.
GALERKIN:
Very commendable. Minister Ironcore and I are on our way to see the Princess. Is she settling in all right?
TRUDEAU:
I expect she is by now. Pu Wing Fu is with her.
GALERKIN:
I said that the Princess was to be unharmed --
HAWKING:
No, no, it's quite all right, Galerkin. Pu has been very docile this morning, and I gave her strict instructions to place herself at the Princess's service, within reason, of course.
GALERKIN:
Very well, but from now on, Doctor, find someone else to watch the Princess. There is no sense in taking chances where such a valuable property is concerned.
HAWKING:
Yes, sir.
GALERKIN:
Carry on, gentlemen. This way, Minister.
IRONCORE:
This Chinese of yours, Pu Wing Fu, she was useful in kidnapping the Princess, but she seems... how do I say in English... unstable?
GALERKIN:
That's something of an understatement, Ironcore. Pu Wing Fu served as Imperial Assassin to the last Emperor of China, then spent two years living wild in Manchuria. She's beautiful, elegant, and lethal. But her experiences have left her... a little out of control. Hawking is the only one who can do anything with her... Here we are. Now, before we go in, I must put on my mask.
IRONCORE:
So as to prevent the Princess from learning your true identity?
GALERKIN:
Exactly. She must never know me as Canadian industrialist Hans-Raoul Galerkin... but only as the Crustacean!
IRONCORE:
You look ridiculous.
GALERKIN:
But menacing, I hope? Is it on straight? All right, in we go.
[SFX: heavy iron door unlocking, opening]
PU WING FU:
Crustacean come!
CRUSTACEAN:
Good morning, Princess Marguerite! I trust Pu has been gentle with you? Ha ha ha!
PRINCESS:
What is this? Why have I been brought and held here against my will?
IRONCORE:
All in good time, Your Highness. All in good time.
PRINCESS:
Terrier Ironcore! I should have known you were behind this!
PU WING FU:
Crustacean, I cut throat now! Make beautiful painting with Princess blood!
PRINCESS:
Eeeek!
CRUSTACEAN:
No, Pu! Not yet! Later, if you are good.
PRINCESS:
You fiend!
CRUSTACEAN:
Ha ha ha ha! Those words are music to a villain's ears, my dear Marguerite. Pu Wing Fu --
PU WING FU:
Yes, Lord Crustacean!
CRUSTACEAN:
I have a task for you. You'll enjoy it. Two henchmen have been giving Mr. Camus some trouble. I want you to kill them.
PU WING FU:
Yes, Lord Crustacean! Very happy, Lord Crustacean!
CRUSTACEAN:
Oh, and on your way out, tell Mr. Trudeau to take the Princess to the waterfront facility after we're finished, will you?
PU WING FU:
Yes, Lord Crustacean!
CRUSTACEAN:
Off you go. That's a good girl. Now, Marguerite...
PRINCESS:
You shall address me as "Your Highness", you filthy cretin!
IRONCORE:
Your Highness, that is uncalled for! I assure you the Crustacean has only benevolent intentions in mind.
PRINCESS:
Maybe for you and your power-mad cronies, Ironcore! How dare you betray my father, your King, and your country! I never expected such low treachery even from you!
CRUSTACEAN:
Princess, treacheries, and loyalties, are really all in the eyes of the beholder. Enough talking of politics. I will tell you what you have to do now, Princess, and you will listen carefully. Your survival will depend on it.
PRINCESS:
I'll never do anything for you!
CRUSTACEAN:
Don't be hasty. It would take only the smallest suggestion from me for Pu Wing Fu to start demonstrating her artistic talents.
IRONCORE:
Heh heh heh...
PRINCESS:
What... what do you want?
CRUSTACEAN:
It's very simple. You will write your father a letter, to be delivered by our friend Ironcore here. Tell King Stephen that you've been kidnapped by dangerous criminals. Impress upon him that your life is in danger, and that you will be humiliated, tortured, and possibly killed if he does not sign certain papers that have been delivered to him. There is no need to be specific, he will know which ones you are referring to. Don't worry, Princess, about having to deceive your father in anyway. Every word of what I've said is true.
PRINCESS:
No, never! I won't do it! I cannot!
CRUSTACEAN:
Further, your Highness, you will stress that should your father consider making a foolish sacrifice of his daughter's life, he will not be saved. It is possible for his enemies to make the people of Urgoslavania suffer greatly, even without resorting to war...
IRONCORE:
Economic blockades, industrial sabotage, civil unrest... you would not have such things on your conscience, Your Highness, am I right?
PRINCESS:
You monster! You are a disgrace to Urgoslavania! Ez nem egyszerû teória ezt gyakorolnod kell -- !!
CRUSTACEAN:
Keep it clean, please, "Highness".
PRINCESS:
I will never write that letter, Crustacean... whoever you are! Kill me if you like, but you'll never get away with this!
CRUSTACEAN:
If you only knew, Marguerite, how many young ladies have sat where you are now and said those words to me --
PRINCESS:
Hydrogen Guy will stop you!
CRUSTACEAN:
Hydrogen Guy? Did you say, Hydrogen Guy will stop me? Ha ha ha! And where did you hear that name, Princess?
PRINCESS:
Hydrogen Guy is well known to all who oppose evil!
CRUSTACEAN:
Is he, now? Well, I wouldn't count on your Hydrogen Guy saving you, Princess. Anything he might try to do to me or my organization would be like throwing stones at a tank. No, you and your country's only chance for survival lies in that letter. Simply ask one of my people for pen and paper whenever you're ready.
IRONCORE:
And quickly, Your Highness. We are not patient men.
CRUSTACEAN:
We'll leave you now, Princess. Mr. Trudeau will be here in a few minutes to take you somewhere less comfortable.
IRONCORE:
Good-bye for now, Your Highness.
[SFX: heavy iron door closing, locking]
GALERKIN:
Well, that went fairly well, don't you think?
IRONCORE:
Yes, yes. She will agree to write letter. It may take some hours.
GALERKIN:
Yes, well, we have that. Shall we return to the study for another drink?
IRONCORE:
I cannot stay much longer, I am afraid. I still have many official duties to perform. Some children are to dance for me in colourful costumes at 2:30, at Chamber of Commerce.
GALERKIN:
Yes, I know. I'm going to be there as an upstanding member of the business community. One for the road, then?
IRONCORE:
As you say, Hans-Raoul.
[MENACING MUSIC]
[SFX: background noise - a train station.]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Woo! The train station!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Before you ask, Deuterium Boy, no, we are not stopping at the candy stall. We're here on business.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Aw, man... first the author sticks me as a twelve-year-old kid for four months, and now this!
HYDROGEN GUY:
You know, I could just turn around and take you to school...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Umm... so, where do we find Princess Marguerite's train?
HYDROGEN GUY:
It's probably been moved to a side platform for cleaning... There it is, Deuterium Boy! See the ornate drawing room carriage with the Urgoslavanian banners? Let's go!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
There's a policeman standing guard.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Parker knows his business well enough to disregard Minister Ironcore's advice... Excuse us, constable.
CONSTABLE:
Sure an' begorrah, if it isn't the Diatomic Duo, now!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Ah, Constable O'Goldberg. Good to see you again. How's the family?
CONSTABLE:
Well, they haven't found out about each other yet, God willin'. Sure enough, it isn't too surprised t'see you I am. For sure, it's a puzzlin' mystery, this disappearance of Her Highness.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Yes, Constable, very puzzling. Detective Parker asked us if we'd lend a hand in the investigation. Do you mind if we have a look around the Princess's carriage?
CONSTABLE:
Well, our boys haven't been over 'er, as yet, so I'm just a-keepin' the lookout t'make sure ever'thin' stays in order. But 'twould be more than a pleasure if'n y'did, Hydrogen Guy.
HYDROGEN GUY:
We'll leave everything just as we found it.
CONSTABLE:
I'm most appreciative. Watch your step there, lad!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Wow! This is the fanciest rail car I've ever seen!
[SFX: door closes. Background sounds stop.]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Have a good look around, Deuterium Boy. Don't be afraid to snoop. Just make sure you put everything back in its place, and keep your gloves on.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
What are we looking for, Hydrogen Guy?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Anything that could be a clue as to why the Princess was kidnapped, or by whom. Letters, or some personal item that obviously doesn't belong to the diplomatic party... anything suspicious.
[SFX: searching sounds.]
[SFX: A drawer opening.]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
[gasps] Hydrogen Guy, look! A knife!
HYDROGEN GUY:
So it is. That's a ceremonial dagger of the Urgoslavanian Royal House. You see the design on the handle incorporates the Hapsburg coat of arms, as well as King Stephen's personal seal.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Could it be a clue? Maybe an illegitimate cousin who's after the throne sent it to her as a threat!
HYDROGEN GUY:
An interesting idea, Deuterium Boy, but this dagger belongs to the Princess. It's worn during official ceremonies as part of her regalia. Hmm. Odd that she would have left it behind... Deuterium Boy, did you move or bump this end table?
DEUTERIUM BOY:
No, why?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Look at this depression in the carpet here... and there's two more by the table's other legs. That's where the legs stood until recently. Someone bumped or staggered into this corner of the end table... It would have taken a jar of some force to move the table so far on this thick carpet, without casters on the legs.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
That's great, Hydrogen Guy. Really. You know a lot about furniture for a physicist.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Don't be cheeky. It's possible that someone was knocked into this table by some blow; perhaps they were going after the dagger and their opponent wanted to stop them. We should check the rest of the room for other signs of a struggle. They may have put everything to rights when it was over but missed this table; if so, we should be able to find signs of it...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Golly, you got all that from some marks on the carpet?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Well, I admit a lot of what I said is conjecture. Someone simply could have banged their hip on the table on their way out, although the corner isn't in a high-traffic area. I'm just working with a theory I've been forming for the last hour or so, and seeing how the facts might support it... I'll check out the other furniture. Deuterium Boy, why don't you keep hunting through drawers and other hidey-holes.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Right, Hydrogen Guy! I'll start with the window seat...
[SFX: opening sound]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Shucks, it's empty. Sure is banged up inside... Whoa, check this out, Hydrogen Guy! I can climb inside and lie down! It's nice and roomy...
HYDROGEN GUY:
Don't lock yourself inside. Deuterium Boy, I told you we haven't time for fooling around --
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Hydrogen Guy! There's a latch or something in here!
[SFX: loud click]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Whoops!
[SFX: trap door springs open, followed by a thud]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Gah! Help!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Deuterium Boy!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
I'm okay! It just startled me. Hydrogen Guy, there's a trap-door in the bottom of the window seat! I fell through it onto the tracks!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Great Newton's Ghost! Good job, Deuterium Boy! Here, let me help you out of there...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Thanks. Golly, Hydrogen Guy, what kind of window seat is this?
HYDROGEN GUY:
That's no window seat, Deuterium Boy, it's a secret compartment. Look here, at this end. There's two distinct sets of scuff marks, apart from yours, made with women's boots. Two different people lay in this compartment at different times. One for an extended period; there's more of those marks, and they're spread only over a small area. Another for only a short time, but she struggled considerably. See, those marks are deeper and spread over a wider area, including some on the inside of the lid. These marks prove it, Deuterium Boy -- Princess Marguerite didn't disappear from the motorcade in city traffic. The Princess never left this train!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
But Hydrogen Guy, who was the woman who got into the Princess's limousine?
HYDROGEN GUY:
I don't know, but it wasn't the Princess. It had to be someone of a similar build, but other than that, she was bundled from head to foot in winter clothes, including gloves. This other woman rode in the window seat, either from Banff or from some stop along the way. Before the train arrived in the city, she and Ironcore overpowered the real Princess and forced her into the window seat. They must have had some means of locking both the lid and the trapdoor from outside. After all the attention was off the train and onto the limousines, they snuck the Princess out through the trapdoor!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
And they staged the car's disappearance to throw the police off the track!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Exactly, chum! We need to call Detective Parker and --
[SFX: door opening ]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Constable? Great Newton's Ghost!
DÜRCHFALL:
Do not moove, Hydrogen Guy and Dooterium Boy. I hahve you covered.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Who are you? What have you done with Constable O'Goldberg?
DÜRCHFALL:
Ze cahnstable is takink a little nahp. I ahm sorry to say zaht you vill not be ahround vhen he vakes up.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
We know what really happened to the Princess!
DÜRCHFALL:
Good for you. Too bahd you von't get to tell anybahdy.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Who do you work for?
DÜRCHFALL:
I come from Ze Crustacean. Ze Crustacean is tired of your interference. Good-bye, Hydrogen Guy and Dooterium Boy.
[SFX: three gunshots, followed by ricochets]
DÜRCHFALL:
Vaht -- you deflected ze bullets vith zaht rooler! But zaht is not pahssible!
[SFX: THWAK!]
DÜRCHFALL:
Aaugh...
[SFX: body hitting the carpet]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Nice throw with the Deuterium-O-Rang, Deuterium Boy.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Thanks, Hydrogen Guy! He makes it easy by standing there and describing everything that just happened. It's a good time to line up a shot! I guess the Crustacean forgot to tell his thugs about your super-atomic speed and the Ruler of Elendil.
CONSTABLE:
Oy... Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy! Are you all right, lads?
HYDROGEN GUY:
We're fine, Constable. What about you?
CONSTABLE:
Sure enough, the no-good schmuck clubbed me in the back with a size-ten shillelagh. I've a powerful headache!
HYDROGEN GUY:
So will he when he wakes up... Watch him carefully, Constable, I suspect this thug is Hans Dürchfall, the driver of the missing car. Call Parker immediately, and when he gets here, make sure he looks at that window seat!
CONSTABLE:
If that's what y'say, Hydrogen Guy, that's what I'll do.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Where do we go now, Hydrogen Guy?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Back to the Hydrogen Cave, Deuterium Boy, to call Luke Gardner on the two-way Hydrogen Radio. I asked him to shadow Terrier Ironcore between the Minister's official functions. Come along, Deuterium Boy, the game's afoot!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Zounds!
[THRILLING MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
That evening, our Covalent Crusaders meet Galactic Customs agent Luke Gardner down on the waterfront, outside Cheung's Laundry...
GARDNER:
Ironcore came straight here after the Mayor's dinner reception, about forty minutes ago. Alone.
HYDROGEN GUY:
He hasn't left?
GARDNER:
No. I've been keeping an eye on the front door, and I set up a robot spy camera in the alley behind the laundry. It'd set off this alarm if anyone came out that way.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Forty minutes is a long time to be dropping off your laundry...
HYDROGEN GUY:
It certainly is, Deuterium Boy... Ready, Luke?
GARDNER:
Ready to launch, HG.
HYDROGEN GUY:
HG... hmm. I like that.
[SFX: shop door opens and closes]
[SFX: background - washing machines]
PU WING FU:
Welcome, honourable sirs, to Cheung Laundry. I am dutiful daughter, Cheung Rao-ben. You want washy capes? Very cheap, very clean!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Ah, no thank you, Miss Cheung. We're looking for a man who came in here about forty minutes ago.
GARDNER:
An older gentleman, stout, with an East European accent.
PU WING FU:
Ahhh so! Mister Irona-corra, yes?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Yes, that's him.
PU WING FU:
Yes, very nice man! He want washy shirts, very nice. He very kind, tip well. He go!
GARDNER:
You say he left?
PU WING FU:
Yes, yes, he say he come back tomorrow.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Are you sure he's gone, Miss Cheung?
PU WING FU:
Yes, sure.
GARDNER:
Through this door?
PU WING FU:
Yes! Why you ask so many questions? Mister Irona-corra, he go, he no say where!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Would you mind if we took a look in the back, Miss Cheung?
PU WING FU:
No! You not welcome here! You go!
GARDNER:
I'm afraid I'll have to insist.
PU WING FU:
Ki-yaaa!!
[SFX: swords being drawn]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Look out, Hydrogen Guy!
[SFX: wooden ruler]
HYDROGEN GUY:
En garde!
[SFX: pitched sword duel]
PU WING FU:
Hai! Hyah! Ki-yah!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Careful, Hydrogen Guy!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Unh! Ah!
PU WING FU:
Ki-yaaaa!!
GARDNER:
Hydrogen Guy, watch out!
[SFX: ray gun zap]
PU WING FU:
Ahhh...
[SFX: body collapsing]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Good work, Luke! She almost had me there.
GARDNER:
What a she-demon...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Col. Gardner, is she -- ?
GARDNER:
It was just a stun ray. She'll be all right in a little while.
HYDROGEN GUY:
Luke, wait here and keep an eye on her! Come on, Deuterium Boy, we're going after Ironcore!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Right behind you, Hydrogen Guy!
GARDNER:
Be careful, you two!
[SFX: washing machines grow louder]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Empty! He's not back here!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
The store room!
[SFX: washing machines grow softer]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Empty again! Did he go out the back?
HYDROGEN GUY:
Luke's spy robot would have alerted him. Besides, that's it there, behind that pallet of starch. I don't think anyone's been out that way recently. There must be another trap door or secret exit somewhere. I think that's your specialty today, Deuterium Boy. Where would you put a secret exit?
DEUTERIUM BOY:
The washing machines!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Let's check it out.
[SFX: washing machines grow louder]
HYDROGEN GUY:
There, that one in the corner is the only one that's idle. Hmmm... the door doesn't seem big enough for a man of Ironcore's stature to fit through...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Uh, Hydrogen Guy...
[SFX: latch clicking; squeaking door hinges]
HYDROGEN GUY:
Ah. The hidden door is behind the washing machine. Of course.
DEUTERIUM BOY:
I'm never going into academia... Come on Hydrogen Guy! Let's get Ironcore!
[EXCITING MUSIC]
NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in a darkened warehouse not very far away...
CRUSTACEAN:
Well, Princess, I think prevailed on my patience long enough. You letter to your father isn't absolutely necessary for our plans to succeed, but it will make things easier -- for us, and especially for you.
PRINCESS:
The answer is still no, you... you... common worm!
IRONCORE:
Please, your Highness. It is in your best interest to cooperate. If you do, I can promise no harm will come to you or your father. When inevitable change of regime comes, you both will be allowed to require quietly in some countryside far from Urgoslavania.
CRUSTACEAN:
Listen carefully, Princess. You won't get such promises from me.
PRINCESS:
What is your word worth, Ironcore? You've betrayed my father once already.
IRONCORE:
Princess, I speak now as a man who does not want to see violence. I have no malice towards your family. If you will let me protect you... I wish I could make you to understand --
CRUSTACEAN:
Enough! The Princess has given her final refusal. You see these athletic men around us, Princess, these rough men of the docks? Maybe you'd find them more persuasive!
PRINCESS:
I ...
IRONCORE:
Please, your Highness. The Crustacean... ah, he is growing difficult to restrain. This North American taste for crude bloodshed...
PRINCESS:
I don't want anything from you, traitor, least of all your protection! Ptew!
IRONCORE:
Uck!
PRINCESS:
I'd sooner cut off my hands than write that letter!
CRUSTACEAN:
That can be arranged, my dear! HA HA HA HA!
IRONCORE:
Hoy, oy... Crustacean, may I have speaking with you in private?
CRUSTACEAN:
[whispering] What's the matter?
IRONCORE:
[whispering] Hans-Raoul, this, ah, "good cop/bad cop" acting of yours, is not working...
CRUSTACEAN:
Terrier, what do you mean? It's working great! I really think we're getting through to her...
IRONCORE:
No, no, no... there is no sympathy between Princess and myself. How can I be "good cop" when she despises me as traitor, am I right?
CRUSTACEAN:
We talked about that. I just have to be an extra-bad "bad cop". Then she'll have no choice to depend on her countryman to protect her! Look, if you think speaking to her in Urgoslav would help...
IRONCORE:
No, no, it is just there is no sympathy! I told you, I should have been "bad cop"!
CRUSTACEAN:
Terrier, have you tried being "good cop" while wearing an evil lobster mask? It doesn't work!
IRONCORE:
Let me be "bad cop" now for some time.
CRUSTACEAN:
We can't switch now! It messes up the whole strategy!
THUG:
[in background] Hey boss, we gonna rumble or what?
CRUSTACEAN:
JUST A MINUTE! Okay, so else do you suggest we do?
IRONCORE:
I do like cutting-off-hands idea. Or just finger, with signet ring. We cut off her finger, and take that back to King.
CRUSTACEAN:
Ah, no, no, no... this is not a nineteenth century melodrama! I am a criminal mastermind, Terrier, I have my dignity. Tell you what... I'll have Benny rough her up a bit, nothing too delicate, then we'll throw her in the cooler. By tomorrow you should get some reaction from the King regardless.
IRONCORE:
Fine, fine. It has been long day. As Canadians say, get over with it.
CRUSTACEAN:
*ahem* Mr. Benson! Perhaps you would be so good as to demonstrate to Princess Marguerite why you are referred to as "Benny the Bruise"?
BENNY:
Heh heh!
PRINCESS:
Eeeek!
CRUSTACEAN:
HA HA HA HA!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Stay your man, Crustacean!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Leave the Princess alone!
IRONCORE:
What? Costumed man and small boy!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
[in background] I am not a "small boy"!
PRINCESS:
Hydrogen Guy!
CRUSTACEAN:
Blast it! Henchmen, get them!
IRONCORE:
Seize them! Seize them!
CRUSTACEAN:
Excuse me...
IRONCORE:
So sorry.
[SFX: large melee and fisticuffs]
NARRATOR:
Benny the Bruise and a half dozen other riff-raff rush the Diatomic Duo, and a desperate melee begins! Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dodge, parry and deflect punches, blunt weapons and knives, the Protonic Paladin with the mystical Ruler of Elendil, and the Boy Isotope with a light but solid quarterstaff. Despite their superior numbers and raw animal strength, the Crustacean's thugs are no match for the fighting skill and atomic agility of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Is that all you've got, Crustacean?
CRUSTACEAN:
Ha ha ha ha! Of course not, Hydrogen Guy! What do you think... of THIS?
PRINCESS:
Eek! Hydrogen Guy!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
He's got a grenade!
IRONCORE:
Crustacean, are you mad?! You'll blow us all to kingdom come!
HYDROGEN GUY:
This isn't the answer, Crustacean --
CRUSTACEAN:
Oh, and should we come along quietly, do-gooder? I don't think so!
IRONCORE:
What are you doing?! Put that pin back!
CRUSTACEAN:
[whispering] Relax and follow my lead, Ironcore.
IRONCORE:
No, I have had enough! I am not in this plan to be blown --
CRUSTACEAN:
Oh, shut up.
[SFX: loud bang, followed by hissing]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Hydrogen Guy! [coughs] It's a smoke grenade!
CRUSTACEAN:
HA HA HA HA!
PRINCESS:
[coughs] What happened? [coughs] Oh, it smells like rotten eggs!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Try not to breath in the smoke, your Highness. It contains hydrogen sulphide! Deuterium Boy, help me disperse the smoke with our hydrogen powers!
DEUTERIUM BOY:
Okay, Hydrogen Guy!
[SFX: HYDROGEN POWERS SOUND EFFECT!]
HYDROGEN GUY:
There... that's better...
DEUTERIUM BOY:
The Crustacean's gone!
PRINCESS:
And so is that traitor, Terrier Ironcore!
HYDROGEN GUY:
I was afraid of that... We'll get them another time. Are you all right, your Highness?
PRINCESS:
Oh, Hydrogen Guy!
HYDROGEN GUY:
Princess -- mmf!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
DEUTERIUM BOY:
That's what I call a warm Urgoslavanian welcome!
[SFX: background noise, a busy café. A bell rings as the shop door opens and closes]
CARL:
Mornin' Professor, Mister Gardner! Hiya Davey!
EVANS:
Good morning, Carl.
MARCOLIN:
Hiya, Carl!
GARDNER:
Morning!
CARL:
The usual?
EVANS:
Yes please, Carl.
GARDNER:
Make it three.
CARL:
Yessir, comin' right up. If you wanna siddown, I'll bring 'em over to yous.
EVANS:
Thank you, Carl. [pause] So, Luke, not a bad haul last night, eh? Eight of the Crustacean's gang, including Pu Wing Fu the Mad Assassin. Incidentally, she was the woman who masqueraded as the Princess at the train station. I checked her boots against the window seat lid out of curiosity.
GARDNER:
Yeah, it wasn't bad, but the big fish got away.
EVANS:
That's the case all too often, I'm afraid.
GARDNER:
Yeah, but I don't have to like it.
EVANS:
On the plus side, there are now international warrants for both the Crustacean and Terrier Ironcore. That should make it a little harder for them to operate.
GARDNER:
I don't think Ironcore will last long. He doesn't seem like he's cut out for the underworld. He'll try to get out of Canada and back to Urgoslavania eventually, and when he does, he'll be arrested. But the Crustacean... he seems like a much more slippery character.
EVANS:
I'll say he is... like a wet crawdad. And we still have no clue to his real identity. The henchmen either can't say, or won't. But the important thing is, the Princess is safe.
GARDNER:
Uh huh... Speaking of the Princess, Professor, David was telling me that you and she seemed to be pretty friendly.
EVANS:
Oh, really?
CARL:
Here ya go, fellas. Three hot chocolates.
MARCOLIN:
Yeah, she even kissed him!
CARL:
Whazzawho?
EVANS:
*ahem* Carl, I think you have other tables to serve...
CARL:
Yeah, all right, all right...
MARCOLIN:
So, what's the story, "H.G."?
EVANS:
Well, Mr. Nosy "D.B.", several years ago a former lady friend and I travelled to Europe, and we met Princess Marguerite on the boat over. As it happened, my friend and the Princess bore a striking resemblance to one another...
GARDNER:
Don't tell me they switched places, and the woman we rescued last night was really your ex-girlfriend?
EVANS:
No, no. They did switch places one night for a girlish prank, but switched back at the end of the night. Er... I'm, uh, a little embarrassed to say that her Highness took a fancy to me while pretending to be my date.
MARCOLIN:
Woo hoo!
GARDNER:
Well, well, Professor Sly Fox!
EVANS:
Now, now, it's very embarrassing...
GARDNER:
And so how did she find out you were Hydrogen Guy?
MARCOLIN:
He got hammered and told her!
EVANS:
David! Watch your language! No, there was a rather large jewel theft on board, and... it's very complicated.
GARDNER:
Uh huh. I think David's explanation's more believable.
MARCOLIN:
Told you.
EVANS:
David --
MARCOLIN:
Okay, okay, I'm just kidding!
EVANS:
We'll discuss this later... So, seriously, Luke, what are your plans for the next little while? Are you staying planet-side for a while, or will you be blasting off again?
GARDNER:
I should get back to the asteroid belt shortly. Piracy doesn't take any holidays. I just stopped for a short visit. By the way, I never mentioned what I originally came to see you about. You remember what we talked about the last time we met, after the Fandangle caper?
EVANS:
Yes, you suggested it might be advantageous for some of the Northern superheroes and mystery men to band together in a permanent organization. A Canadian League of Heroes, you called it.
GARDNER:
Right. Well, I floated it past Captain Toronto recently, and he was in favour of the idea.
EVANS:
That's great.
GARDNER:
He had some suggestions...
NARRATOR:
And so, we leave our heroes planning for the future - a future of better organized superheroes, fighting hand in hand with the official police for Peace, Order and Good Government. A future that all the peoples of Canada can believe in! Join us next time on The Files of Hydrogen Guy - defending Truth, Silliness and the Canadian Way!
[CLOSING MUSIC]
| Previous Episode | Year 3s Archiv es | Hydrogen Guy Main Page | Forum | Next Episode |