Five Minutes Till Lunch Time! - Part II

...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Last Episode:Things have looked better for Hydrogen Guy. On a mission to the South American republic of Cyñru, formerly Welsh Guiana, he has been capture and thrown into the Dungeon of Despair by the batrachian dictator Saddam Alvares Hussientos and his head of the Very Secret Police, Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, a dangerous cove who is a master of the forbidden arts of sorcery! Will the city of Brasília face a fiery afternoon thanks to Hussientos's covert nuclear weapons program? Meanwhile, Deuterium Boy is enjoying a pleasant evening with the dictator's daughter Desdemona.

We join them now in the midst of an early morning kitchen liaison...

Desdemona
[breathlessly] Oh, Deuterium Boy, you have such a way with mayonnaise...

Deuterium Boy
Why, thank you. It's that extra little radioactive "tang" only I can give it, if I may be so bold...

Desdemona
You can be as bold as you want to be, my Proton of Prowess...

Deuterium Boy
More tuna fish?

Desdemona
Oh, yes, don't stop!

Suddenly the door to the kitchen bursts open. A half-dozen Presidential Cavaliers in full riot gear burst into the room, training their guns on Deuterium Boy. They are followed by General Saddam Alvares Hussientos. Desdemona and Deuterium Boy leap to their feet.

Desdemona
Father!

Hussientos
Desdemona!

Deuterium Boy
Hussientos!

Hussientos
Deuterium Boy!

Desdemona
Father, what is the meaning of this? Can't you see that...

Hussientos
Yes, my daughter, I can see very well what you are doing. I wish I did not! No matter. Make as many sandwiches for her as you want, Deuterium Boy, you cannot prevent the death of Hydrogen Guy - or yourself!

Deuterium Boy reaches for his sabre, only to find that he has left it back in Desdemona's boudoir.

Desdemona
You fiend! [She strikes her father across the face with a slice of ham] What have you done?

Hussientos
You have crossed me for the last time, my daughter! Guards, seize them!

The guards rush forward, waving their bayonets menacingly. Deuterium boy leaps back, bumping up against a rack of pots and pans. He grabs for the nearest pair of sauce pans, and dives back into the fray, attacking and parrying with lightning speed. He fights his way through to where Desdemona is struggling with her captors, wallops them in the noggins with the sauce pans, and grabs Desdemona about the waist.

Desdemona
AAAH!

Deuterium Boy
Tally ho!

Hussientos
[drawing a pistol] Stop them! Estúpido, shoot at them, you have guns!

Deuterium Boy leaps and dodges through the fray, whacking Presidential Cavaliers randomly with sauce pans. He reaches the balcony, and as bullets whiz past their ears and ricochet off the stones around them, he leaps off the balcony into the jungle below. The guards run after him, and reach the balcony just as Deuterium Boy and Desdemona disappear into the foliage.

A short time later...

Desdemona
Not that I mind all this physical closeness, sweetie, but you can put me down now...

Deuterium Boy
Oh, sorry.

He stops his dashing-through-the-jungle routine and puts her down.

Deuterium Boy
Great Quetzalcoatl the plumed serpent god, Desdemona! While I've been dallying with you, Hydrogen Guy has fallen into the hands of Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric. I've been catastrophically negligent of my duties to truth, silliness and world peace.

Desdemona
Don't be so hard on yourself. Hydrogen...

Deuterium Boy
Guy.

Desdemona
... Guy, thank you, should be able to take care of himself. What kind of superhero lets himself gets captured the minute his partner turns his back?

Deuterium Boy
If he's captured, I should have been there being captured too..

Desdemona
Think of it this way. Now you and I get to mount a spectacular rescue operation, not only strengthening your character and taking you beyond the role of merely reacting to Hydrogen Guy and the situations he is confronted with, but also establishing my character as a strong female supporting role.

Deuterium Boy
I hadn't thought of it that way. But you're right, a rescue is our first order of business. And we've only got... [glances at his watch] gadzooks, five hours until Hussientos starts launching missiles.

He pauses to shake some kind of small rodent off his boot. It suddenly occurred to Deuterium Boy that he was in an honest-to-goodness tropical jungle. This was reinforced by the alarmingly large snake watching them with a bored look on its face several meters away. They stood on what appeared to be a rough path through the foliage. Deuterium Boy tried not to concentrate on the snake.

Deuterium Boy
Er.. So where would we be rescuing Hydrogen Guy from?

Desdemona
Knowing the dark schemes of Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric as I do, he's probably being held in the Dungeon of Despair, and will be thrown to the Pit of Turbilhão later this morning.

Deuterium Boy
The Pit of what?

Desdemona
The Pit of Turbilhão... you told e about your encounter with Dumnoric in the city, so you know that he commands dark, demonic powers. He is a necromancer - a sorcerer of death. The Pit of Turbilhão is a great pit in the jungle, into which Dumnoric summoned a vortex of magical energy. The Pit consumes prisoners and adds to its creators power's. Dumnoric and my father got the idea after watching the special edition of "Return of the Jedi" one night.

Deuterium Boy
Great Scott!

Desdemona
You're reacting again. It's almost dawn and we're running out of time. Our best chance is to go straight to the Dungeon of Despair - we can cut across the palace's jungle preserve.

She grabs his hand and they start off down the jungle path.

Desdemona
My father lets a man-eating Cyñrian jungle platypus roam the preserve, to keep out intruders. We'll have to be careful.

Deuterium Boy
I'm really starting to hate this jungle...

Gerrad Poole opened his eyes in complete darkness. He sensed something was wrong, despite still drifting in the disorientation that immediately follows stasis. The room should be gently lit, and there should be people here. The ship around him shuddered. A surge of adrenaline brought him fully awake. There was something wrong.

He pushed on the door to the stasis chamber. The lock disengaged easily and the door opened. He stumbled out of the chamber. He stood for a moment in the complete darkness wondering what he should do. He was terrified of hyperspace flight, it was a common affliction in his people, which is why Corgiians usually choose to spend interstellar flights in stasis. He briefly considered climbing back into the stasis chamber and pretending he was still asleep, when the room lights came back on.

He heard voices outside in the corridor. He hesitated a half second more, then walked to the door. This was an urgently important mission for his people, if something had happened he should be informed. As the door slid open, he balled his courage up in his heart and stepped out into the corridor.

He was nearly bowled over by a team of Partuuni technicians. They rushed past him, and he flattened himself up against the corridor wall. The corridor was busy with technicians of many races rushing back and forth. Warning lights flashed overhead. He decided to make his way to the bridge, when he spotted a familiar robotic bio-suit coming up behind him.

Gerrad
Comrade Adjuster!

The Kfarn insurance agent Hababebabian Tl slowed her pace as Gerrad fell into step beside her.

Tl
Comrade Gerrad, you are awake.

Gerrad
Yes. Did we lose power? What's going on?

Tl
Yes, the ship's power went off for about two minutes. I am uncertain why. I am heading to the bridge to determine our status.

Gerrad nodded and continued to follow. The stasis units were tied into ship's power, and were programmed to gently waken the sleeper if power was interrupted. This, he thought, must have been what happened. Suddenly a horrific idea presented itself to him.

Gerrad
Are we at the Homeworld yet? It could have been another nova flare...

Tl
No. By ships regulation 124.6.334 all passengers must be notified when crossing political boundaries. I have not been notified that we have left the Empire, so we must have yet to cross into disorganized territory.

Too worried to object to Tl's description of his planet's sphere of influence as "disorganized territory", Gerrad considered the other possibilities. Pirates? A ship's malfunction?

A few minutes later they stepped out of the lift doors onto the bridge. The bridge was a storm of activity, technicians rushing from station, the Captain haranguing his navigational officer, and a trio of Jelvan priests chanting benedictions in the corner.

Tl
Excuses, Captain...

The Partuuni captain whirled around.

Captain
Comrade Adjuster, we're a little busy right now...

Gerrad
Captain, what's happening?

The captain looked at Gerrad Poole in surprise.

Captain
Comrade Gerrad, I'm surprised you're awake - oh, but the power cut, right... We're just at the edge of the Turnifwumpia pulsar's nebular system, and we ran into an uncharted cosmic ray storm. Our shields overloaded and we lost power for several minutes.

Tl
Captain, you assured me that this pulsar would not pose a problem.

Captain
Yeah, well you don't clear every level, Comrade Tl...

A Jelvan officer on the upper bridge called out to the Captain.

Jelvan Officer
Shields are restored, Captain!

Captain
Great, that's one thing. Now we don't have to worry about another storm cooking us.

He pointed to the three priests.

Captain
You three! Emergency's over! OUT!

The priests squatted and wiggled in a Jelvan bow, and then shuffled off the bridge onto the lift. He glanced up at his Jelvan officer, who was looking rather relieved. He sympathized. The priests were here for his benefit, it was an old Jelvan custom for all ships to carry priests to meet the crew's spiritual needs, and in times of crisis they always migrated to the bridge. He supposed that in old times, Jelvan spacers found it comforting, but his Jelvan tactical officer found it embarrassing and he himself found it a pain in the horn.

Captain
All stations report!

Officer #1
Life support secure.

Officer #2
Ship's engines secure.

Officer #3
Main computer core secure.

Jelvan Officer
Shields and tactical secure.

Navigator
Navigational sensors and autolocator are off-line, Captain. All other systems are undamaged and functioning normally.

Captain
Fixable?

Science Officer
Only at a class 3 facility, Captain.

Captain
Curse! The nav computer?

Navigator
Course and speed are still intact, Captain, it's just that we won't be able to determine our precise coordinates until its fixed. Unless you happen to be an expert in reading star fields.

Captain
Not outside the Empire. Curse, curse and curse.

He turned to Gerrad and Tl.

Captain
Bad news, Comrades. Without the sensors and the autolocator, we'd be flying blind. It'd be unwise to continue. We'll have to call for a tow to Turnifwumpia base.

Tl
Impossible!

Gerrad
What do you mean? The ship can't navigate?

Captain
Well... Our course to Tau Corgi has already been programmed and hasn't been affected. The ship knows where to go and where we are on our projected course, we just can't get an independent confirmation from the stars. It's like riding a train with the shades drawn. If you know the train's speed and have a map of the railroads, you still know where you are and where you're going, you just can't double check by looking out the window. Which is fine unless your trains switches tracks, to belabour the metaphor...

Gerrad
You mean if we are off course we will not know?

Captain
Well... The ship's navigation computers can compensate if we drift off our prescribed course.

Tl
Then what is the problem, Captain? Can we reach Tau Corgi or can we not?

Captain
[sighs] Well, yes we can. But it's a bad idea to fly blind like this.

Tl bubbled indignantly.

Tl
Captain, this is an urgent mission. A delay of the magnitude you are suggesting is unacceptable! Comrade Gerrad's people need immediate assistance.

Captain
Adjuster, if we run into more trouble we won't be able to see it coming. Need I remind you that flying without sensors is in violation of the ship's insurance policy?

Tl thought. She considered. It was a difficult decision to make, but she felt the greater good depended on her.

Tl
As an official representative of the Insurer, I may wave that clause. I will do so now. We will proceed to Tau Corgi immediately, Captain.

The captain's eyes started to bulge. Gerrad wondered that a geyser of steam didn't erupt from his horn.

Captain
Adjuster, I am the Captain of this ship! I will not -

Tl
And I am your superior in this company, Captain. If you do not obey my orders I will find a crew member who will.

The captain glared at her. He had the look of somebody very fond of seafood who had just been insulted by his calamari entree.

Captain
Very well, Adjuster Tl. We will proceed to Tau Corgi. But I will file a complaint.

Tl
You are free to do so.

The captain turned to Gerrad Poole. Through great personal willpower, Gerrad managed not to flinch.

Captain
Comrade Gerrad, we'll be ready to get underway in a few minutes, you'll be wanting to go to medical and have them reset your stasis chamber. We should be arriving at Tau Corgi in four hours.

Gerrad recognized a dismissal when he heard it.

Gerrad
Yes, thank you, Captain. I am not an expert, but it seems you have handled this incident very efficiently. My compliments. Comrade Adjuster?

Tl silently followed Gerrad to the lift. As the lift doors closed, the Partuuni captain let out a breath of relief and started shout earthy Partuuni imperatives at the nearby technicians.

Computer system are funny things. Nine hundred ninety nine times in a thousand, a cosmic ray passing through a memory cell will simply corrupt the bits and incapacitate the system. But that thousandth time, a charged particle from a cosmic ray will flip two or three bits, not corrupting the memory, but merely changing its contents. Of these occurrences, 999 999 times out of a million the error will be caught and compensated for.

But that millionth time, the few flipped bits are not recognized as being flipped, and the computer will process the program as if nothing's wrong. In this particular case, this is exactly what happened in the KPL Frigate Actuary's navigation computer, specifically in the part of the memory where the ship's final destination was stored. And without the external sensors, there was no way for the crew to tell as the ship merrily set off for a destination 30 light years away from Tau Corgi II.

A dirty corridor on the bottom floor of one of Welsh Guiana's most notorious prisons, known colloquially as the Dungeon of Despair. A door blocked by an iron bar across lies at one end of the corridor, which is lined with cells. Several of the cells are occupied by ragged looking prisoners. At the other end of the corridor the jailer sits, leaning his chair against the wall and watching a Scottish costume drama on a small, flickering television. He is called Porteiro.

Porteiro
Hmf! Dungeon of Despair, indeed! More like the Dungeon of friggin' Boredom, for all the action we see round 'ere. Stuck 'ere in the middle of the friggin' jungle, me and this pathetic crew of snots...

First Prisoner
Free Welsh Guiana!

Second Prisoner
Rights for the oppressed!

Third Prisoner
Long live the revolution!

Porteiro
SHUT UP, the lot o' ya! Freaks an' queers... I'd be better off as the jailer in Hell! Ha! Imagine that, mates, me, Jailer Emeritus of Hades!

There is a knock at the door.

Porteiro
Ah! Welcome to Hell, whoever y'are! Well, I'll be, 'ere's Lorena Bobbitt! Sausages and contraceptives, aisle four, madam, right next to the fire pits!

There is another knock at the door.

Porteiro
Right, 'oos next then, by Beelzebub's bottom? O.J. Simpson, welcome to Hell! Got a special pit of boilin' 'ot lava, just for you. 'ere's a pair of asbestos gloves, I don't think they'll be fittin' ye, though.

Yet another knock, this time more insistent.

Porteiro
Knock knock! Who's there? Well, in the Devil's name, it's Regis Philbin! Oy, mate, I'd 'ate t'be in yer shoes, Lucifer's been waitin' on you with a vengeance. And that's yer final answer, mate. HA!

Another knock at the door, this time a heavy pounding.

Porteiro
Knock knock friggin' knock! Ar, I've enough o' this. Hussientos don't pay as well as Satan. [to door] I'd 'ave let the whole bleedin' Congress in, but fer you...

He staggers to the door, unlocks and unbars it, and lets Desdemona and Deuterium Boy in.

Porteiro
Ar, Miss Hussientos! Or is it Miz you'll be wantin'? Pardon me sayin', but the two of ye look like ye been attacked by a giant platypus!

Deuterium Boy
I think it was just playing around with us, though... It didn't draw enough blood to be really serious about it...

Desdemona
Slept in, Porteiro? Or do you just enjoy letting people knock till their knuckles bleed?

Porteiro
A trillion pardons, Miz, but we 'ad a bit of a party down 'ere last night. Well, the gin and I, anyway.

Desdemona
From the looks of you, if the gin had taken on the platypus, the platypus would've lost.

Porteiro
Me stomach took it on like Mike Tyson. The gin, that is, not the platypus. Knock down drag out fight, it was, with the gin bein' tossed out of the ring fer unsportsmanlike conduct!

Deuterium Boy
Now I'm thoroughly disgusted. Look, can you take us to the cell where Hydrogen Guy is?

Porteiro
Eh? Oh! The pansy in the cape, ye mean? Er, no offense, guv. The Shroud 'imself took 'im out 'alf an hour ago. On 'is way to be lunch for the Pit, I expect! The cove in the cape, that is, Miz, not 'is Shroudness.

Desdemona
I only wish.

Deuterium Boy
Holy Stratford-on-Avon! We're...

All
Too Late!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Deuterium Boy
Desdemona, quick! We've got to get to the Pit of Turbilhão and save Hydrogen Guy! It's quarter to ten already and we only have three hours to stop Hussientos from nuking Brazil! Quick, to ZOLTAN!

Desdemona
All right, sweetie, but we're not going through that damned jungle again.

Deuterium Boy dashes back out the door, Desdemona close behind him.

Porteiro
Friggin' bourgeoisie pigs.

He closes the door, replaces the bar, and shambles back to his stool. He scowls at the drama on the television and starts fiddling with the remote control.

First Prisoner
Can we watch "All My Children"?

Porteiro
NO!

About a half hour later, Deuterium Boy and Desdemona pull up in front of the Palace in a taxi cab. Deuterium Boy leaps out of the cab, leaving Desdemona to argue violently with the driver. Deuterium Boy stops and stares at something in dismay, as Desdemona slams the door of the cab and the cab driver drives off, gesturing obscenely to Desdemona. She returns the gesture and goes to join Deuterium Boy.

Desdemona
That thief! He tried to charge me 500 pesetas! I told him to go find a sheep and - what's wrong?

Deuterium Boy
ZOLTAN's been towed!

Desdemona
What?! Where'd you park it?

Deuterium Boy
Well... in the yellow zone, but I thought we'd only be a minute!

Desdemona
Big, dumb, and beautiful, that's my Deuterium Boy. Come on, we'll have to bus it. I'm not getting in another cab.

She leads him to the nearest bus stop.

Desdemona
[glancing at her watch and the posted schedule] The express should be along any minute.

Deuterium Boy
There's an express bus to the Pit of Turbilhão?

Desdemona
When it's not being used for executions, it's a very popular picnic spot.

She spots a bus approaching and flags it down. It pulls up, the doors open and Deuterium Boy leaps on board.

Deuterium Boy
I commandeer this bus in the name of world peace!

Bus Driver
No.

Desdemona
Never mind, I've got concession tickets. Come on, let's grab a seat.

She pulls two tickets from her purse and sticks them in the fare bin. The bus is practically empty, so they move to the back as the bus lurches forwards. They find seats and sit down. Deuterium Boy turns to say something to Desdemona, when someone nearby clears his throat loudly. (His own, not Deuterium Boy.) Deuterium Boy looks to see a familiar figure wearing an odd grey uniform with huge shoulder pads sitting across from them. His hair is cut in a severe bob, his ears oddly curved and pointed.

Stranger
So, D'Accord, we meet again!

Deuterium Boy
What? Merda, not you again...

Stranger
Yes, Captain Gaston Luc D'Accord of Space Command! No one escapes the Law of the Quirinian Empire! I have been following you since our last encounter on Station Babel 6...

Deuterium Boy
That was not Station Babel 6, it was a Burger King in Ottawa! And I am not Captain Gaston Luc D'Accord of Space Command, and I have never heard of the damn Quirinian Empire! So PISS OFF!

Bus Driver
Broadway and Main, now approaching Broadway and Main!

Desdemona
Friend of yours, sweetie?

Deuterium Boy
No!

Stranger
D'Accord and I are old adversaries, yes. He is wanted in fourteen sectors for espionage in the Neutral Zone! And I have tracked him here, to the subway tunnels of Alpha Orion Three! Your flagrant pouf persona is fooling no one, D'Accord!

Deuterium Boy drops his head into his hands and groans. The few other passengers around them take no notice of the strange conversation.

Deuterium Boy
I AM DEUTERIUM BOY, NOT D'ACCORD! And this is a bus, not the subway tunnels of Alfred Oreo Three! GO AWAY!

Bus Driver
Plot Twist and Alma, now approaching Plot Twist and Alma.

Stranger
[standing] I will go, D'Accord, but only because this is my stop. But before I go, know this: while we struggled at our last encounter, I injected you with a subdermal DNA reconstruction nano-robot, which for the past months has been re-writing your genetic code into that of a tree sloth.

Deuterium Boy
What?!

The stranger pulls what looks like a remote control from his pocket.

Stranger
All that is required is for me to issue the activation codes - so.

He pushes a button on the remote. Suddenly, Deuterium Boy's flesh starts rippling and flowing - an expression of extreme shock and pain crosses his face just moments before he morphs into a giant tree sloth before our very eyes!

Desdemona
DEUTERIUM BOY! NOOO!!!

Stranger
Aha! So I am correct! Remember, D'Accord, THIS is what happens when you spy on the Quirinian Empire!

He strides away arrogantly, and gets off the bus. The sloth that was Deuterium Boy looks around mournfully, then curls up in Deuterium Boy's costume and goes to sleep. Desdemona sighs.

Desdemona
First his friend, then the platypus, now this. This has been one hell of a day so far, and it's not even noon. At least Brasília still exists. For now. What am I going to do now?

Bus Driver
Deus and Machinas, next stop is Deus and Machinas.

The bus pulls up to its next stop and the doors open. Jazz singing legend Tony Bennett, in a slightly disheveled brown suit, and twenty Vikings in full regalia board the bus. There is some discussion between one of the Vikings and the bus driver, and the Viking shrugs and moves to the back.

Tony Bennett sits down beside Desdemona.

Tony Bennett
Hi, I'm Tony Bennett. I was on my way to a gig in Rio De Janeiro with my Viking friends here when our long boat got caught in a hurricane. We beached on a reef about a mile from here. Is this the bus to the airport?

Desdemona
No, I'm sorry, this is the bus to the Pit of Turbilhão.

Tony Bennett
Wouldn't you know it, guys, we got the wrong bus!

Vikings
[in chorus] Awww, gvünstøn!

Tony Bennett
Watch you language, there's a lady present.

Desdemona
Well, the Pit's beautiful this time of year. It'll be closed today, though, for an execution.

Tony Bennett
Too bad. Say, that's a fine looking tree sloth. Is it yours?

Desdemona
I suppose he is.

A Vikings carrying a particularly long spear leans forward and whispers something in Tony Bennett's ear. He nods.

Tony Bennett
You know you're right, Erik, she does seem kinda down. [to Desdemona] Something got you down, ma'am?

Desdemona
Please, call me Desdemona, Mr. Bennett. Actually, that sloth used to be the new-found light of my life, Deuterium Boy. He and I were on our way to rescue Hydrogen Guy from certain death in the Pit of Turbilhão and stop my father the evil dictator from using his illegal nuclear weapons against Brazil's capitol city, when an alien turned him into a tree sloth.

Tony Bennett
That's the most bizarre story I've ever heard in my life, Desdemona.

Desdemona
This from a man who travels in a long boat with an entourage of Vikings?

Tony Bennett
People though Frank ran with a strange crowd, didn't they? Well, all the same, that's a load of real tough breaks, Desdemona. I wish I could help you two kids out.

Viking #1
Hø! Did yøu såy yøu vere gøing tø rescue Hydrøgen Guy?

Viking #2
Ve åre big fåns øf Hydrøgen Guy, ja!

Viking #3
Ve åre åll members of Hydrøgen Guy Fån Club!

They all show Desdemona their membership cards.

Viking #1
My secret cøde vørd is "lutefisk", ja!

Viking #3
Bjorg, yøu åre nøt suppøsed tø tell, ja?

Viking #4
Is tere ånyting ve cån dø to help?

Desdemona
Oh, yes, please! We need all the help we can get against my father and Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric! Especially with Deuterium Boy in this condition...

Deuterium Sloth
Ruh?

Tony Bennett
Well guys, looks like we're going on a rescue mission!

Vikings
[in chorus] YAH! RAHH HØ YAH! [and other Viking shouting-type-noises, as they wave their battle-axes and spears in the air]

Deuterium Sloth
Ruh!

Hababebabian Tl spent the last four hours of the journey cheerfully preparing paperwork for the upcoming assessment of Tau Corgi II. The shear amount of forms and affidavits that would need completion by the residents and ex-residents of the planet was staggering, and it soothed her temper after her confrontation with the captain in a way that non-Kfarn would find difficult to comprehend.

Above all, Kfarn love order. Neatness. Order means that all is well. Bureaucracies were a way of imposing order, and what were bureaucracies after all but organizations devoted to filling out forms? Forms, aside from being jolly good fun, were a way of creating peaceful, comforting order. Hababebabian imagined how happy the Corgiians would be to see the return of order after the disaster. There was nothing more comforting after horror and chaos than completing your insurance company's forms. She was glad to able to bring them some of this peace of mind. This was why she found insurance so fulfilling.

This happy reverie was broken by the voice of the captain announcing that they were approaching the Tau Corgi system. Reluctantly, she put aside her paperwork and floated over to her bio-suit.

A short while later, her surrogate-humanoid form stepped onto the bridge.

Tl
Good morning, Captain.

He waved absently at the Adjuster. She bubbled in consternation.

Captain
Helm?

Helm Officer
Coming out of hyperspace in five seconds... three... two... one... we are now in normal space.

Communications Officer
No response from planetary control, Captain.

Captain
No, there wouldn't be. Etherwave is jammed due to the nova activity. Don't suppose there's anything on sensors?

Science Officer
I can tell you there's a planetary system out there, Captain, but that's about all. Nav sensors are still down.

Navigator
The navigation computer insists this is Tau Corgi.

The captain gazed out at the view-glass. He was concentrating on the star patterns.

Captain
This must be the place, then. Any idea how we find the planet?

Tl
There are only three planets in the Tau Corgi system, Captain, it should be a simple enough matter.

Captain
Not without sensors or etherwave communications, Adjuster.

Communications Officer
Captain, I'm receiver a lot of traffic on radio channels. Consistent with a pre-etherwave civilization.

Captain
Their radio capability was also jammed, wasn't it?

Tl
Obviously the interference has cleared, and without etherwave capabilities they are using radio waves.

Captain
Hm. Makes sense, I guess. Take us to the source of that radio chatter, Navigation.

Navigator
Yes, sir.

The captain returned to his contemplation of the star field.

One can say this for the Pit of Turbilhão - it is indeed a delightful picnic spot. Lush grass surrounded the edge of the pit, which was circled by a white picket fence and warning signs in all three of Welsh Guiana's official languages. There were many trees, a large grassy area with picnic tables, an adventure playground for the children, indeed, all the makings for a tremendous outing. The pit itself is about fifty feet across and no more than ten feet deep.

The picnic area is currently taken over by a high platform, which had hastily been erected overnight by city employees. Banners in the Cyñrian national colours festoon the platform, which is sheltered from the climbing sun by an awning. On the platform stands President Saddam Alvares Hussientos, Vice President J. Danforth Codorniz, Very Secret Police Chief Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, about two dozen soldiers in dress uniform, and the guest of honour, Hydrogen Guy, bound in a straitjacket.

Dumnoric is standing by the edge of the platform. Hydrogen Guy's Ruler of Elendil hangs on his belt. He moves his hands rhythmically and mutters strange syllables under his breath, calling forth the dark energies of the Pit. A hazy mist seems to grow from the graveled bottom the pit. The mist gradually becomes thicker, slowly evolving into a whirling torrent of grey-green... something. Bizarre patterns seem to form in the soup, some resembling unspeakable things from the dawn of time. Dumnoric drops his hands and steps back from the edge. The small crowd of bystanders down on the grass clap appreciatively, and he bows. He turns to his prisoner.

Dumnoric
[mopping his brow] Calling forth the matrix of the Pit is hard work. But the results are always worth it.

Hydrogen Guy
From your point of view, I suppose.

Dumnoric
I am very disappointed in you, Hydrogen Guy. I would have expected you to be more resourceful than this!

Hydrogen Guy
What can I do, Dumnoric? You've got Enrico Fermi's Lost Protractor. My powers are neutralized.

Dumnoric toys with the crystal protractor hung around his neck.

Dumnoric
Still, I had hoped to have a more dramatic final confrontation with you... a battle of two wizards, if you will. Your powers are an impressive fusion of science and magic, Hydrogen Guy. You were once a physicist, weren't you? I have spent many years attempting to put necromancy on a firm scientific footing. Despite the hocus-pokery you see here, I am a very rational man.

Hydrogen Guy
Most homicidal maniacs are, in their way. What did you discover?

Dumnoric
That it cannot be done! Science, I discovered, is the realm of logic. Magic is the realm of illogic. The most I can say is that "magic" is anything which violates the laws of thermodynamics.

Hydrogen Guy
As good a definition as any, I guess.

Dumnoric
It was liberating in its way. Still, I had hoped that a contest with you might explore the boundaries of my ideas. But this, Hydrogen Guy, just throwing you into the mouth of the Turbilhão, is a waste. I won't learn anything here...

He notices the presence of Hussientos.

Dumnoric
Ah, Mr. President! Finished your administrative duties for the day?

Hussientos
I've cleared my calendar, Dumnoric. It will be a fine show. It is a fine day! History will remember us as the slayer of giants: You, Hydrogen Guy, and I, Brasil! What time is it, Danforth?

Vice-President
Five minutes to lunch-time, Mr. President. Gee, this sure is exciting! It's great of you to send a rocketful of clothes and medicine to those Brasilian orphans!

Hussientos
Yes, isn't it? Always remember, Danforth, charity begins abroad.

Vice-President
I'm sorry we have to feed you to the Pit, Mr. Foreign Diplomat Person. It's all for the good of the state, you know.

Hydrogen Guy
Dan, they're trying to fool you. Those missiles aren't carrying good things, they're carrying bad things! Nuclear warheads, Dan! Bad!

Vice-President
Don't be silly, Mr. Foreign Diplomat Person. We don't have nuclear weapons! That would be... well, just plain mean!

Hussientos
We're running out of time. Dumnoric, will you take care of the first order of business?

Dumnoric motions to the guards, who lead Hydrogen Guy to a plank overlooking the Pit.

Dumnoric
Any last words, elemental scum?

Hydrogen Guy glances around at the crowd of spectators. Men and women in sunglasses, children with balloons. A sense of failure washes over him. Brasília is doomed. The most I can do now, he thinks, is give these people a good show going into the Pit. His eyes look to the roadside for a second. That's odd...

Hydrogen Guy
Wait... what's that bus doing over there?

Dumnoric
Come on, Hydrogen Guy, do you really expect us to fall for such a childish ploy?

Hydrogen Guy
No, really, you should see who's getting out... there's a bunch of Vikings, and a girl carrying what looks like a tree sloth, and... Tony Bennett! And they're coming this way!

Dumnoric
Really, Hydrogen Guy, you must think we're idiots!

Vice-President
Tony Bennett? Where?

Dumnoric
[to soldiers] Push him off! Sloths and Vikings, really...

A soldier steps forward to push Hydrogen Guy into the pit, when suddenly there is a loud THUNK. The guard topples off the plank with a Viking battle axe in his back.

Guard
AAAAaaaa...!

Hydrogen Guy
I warned you.

Dumnoric
WHAT?!!

The picnickers down on the grass are screaming in fear and running away. He turns around to see a horde of muscular Nordic men in furs and helmets preparing to scale the platform.

Dumnoric
<< Guards, stop those Vikings! >>

Grappling hooks fly up from the ground and grab the edge of the awning, and the Viking berserkers start climbing onto the platform. The soldiers glance nervously at Dumnoric.

Hussientos
<< IDIOTS!! Why do you always forget you have guns?! SHOOT THEM!! >>

Soldier
<< Mr. President, we have only the ceremonial bayonets! They are not loaded! >>

Hussientos
AAAGH!!

Hussientos pulls out his ever-present pistol and fires madly at the oncoming Vikings. He hits one who tumbles off the back of the platform. The next Viking up hurls his axe. Hussientos dives for cover, the axe whistling past his ear. His gun goes flying across the platform.

Hussientos
AAAH!

Tony Bennett grabs Desdemona, and throws her up onto the platform. He follows with a back-flip and lands straight in front of the Vice President and Hussientos.

Tony Bennett
Hi there! You kids fans?

Vice-President
WOW! TONY BENNETT!

The poorly-armed soldiers prove to be no match for the battle mad Vikings. Guns, spears, axes and bodies tumble into the hungry Pit below.

Viking #1
I løve å good fråy!

Viking #2
Øh, Hvøll ja!

Dumnoric rushes through the fray to where Hydrogen Guy is still balancing precariously on the plank.

Dumnoric
I will not be cheated out of feeding you to the Pit, Hydrogen Guy!

Desdemona
HYDROGEN GUY!

Torn in her heart, yet sure of what she must do, Desdemona gives Deuterium Sloth a quick kiss and then launches him at Dumnoric with all her strength. Deuterium Sloth, still conscious of his mission, lands on Dumnoric's back and digs his claws into Dumnoric's face and groin.

Deuterium Sloth
Ruh!

Dumnoric
AAAAAH!

Hydrogen Guy
Good work, Desdemona!

As Dumnoric struggles with the sloth, Desdemona rushes over to Hydrogen Guy and helps him out of the straitjacket. Free once again, he tackles Dumnoric and tears the Fermi's Lost Protractor from around his neck and hurls it into the Pit of Turbilhão. Dumnoric pushes him off, but not before he regains the Ruler of Elendil. Hydrogen Guy springs back with renewed vigour, as Dumnoric struggles to his feet.

Hydrogen Guy
You'll have your battle of wizards now, Dumnoric!

Dumnoric
I'm afraid you'll find there can only be one, Hydrogen Guy! Although I am sure I will find your death educational!

Desdemona
Hydrogen Guy! Be careful, that sloth is Deuterium Boy!

Dumnoric hurls a lightning ball at Hydrogen Guy, who bats it aside with the Ruler of Elendil. Next Dumnoric pulls a pair of winged snakes from his jacket and throws them at Hydrogen Guy. Hydrogen Guy counters with a thick cloud of electrically polarized hydrogen, which dissolves the apparitions the moment they encounter it. A useful trick, but one that drains him considerably. Fortunately, he is still as fresh as Dumnoric, who previously had conjured the enormous Pit of Turbilhão. Hydrogen Guy tries the direct approach attacking with the Ruler of Elendil. Dumnoric leaps aside with a super-human speed nearly equal to Hydrogen Guy's own. Dumnoric stumbles, nearing the limit of his abilities.

Elsewhere the battle is drawing to a close. The Vikings have vastly overwhelmed the Presidential Cavaliers. Hussientos makes one last attempt. He grabs Tony Bennett and holds a gun to his head...

Hussientos
You! Vikings! Hydrogen Guy! Surrender, or the crooner dies!

Hydrogen Guy turns away from Dumnoric in surprise. The Vikings freeze in mid-battle, and the remaining soldiers disarm them. But -

Vice-President
NOOOO! DON'T HURT TONY BENNETT!!!!

J. Danforth Codorniz hurls himself at Hussientos, and wrestles the gun away from him. Hussientos loses his balance and topples over the edge of the platform the Pit of Turbilhão!

Hussientos
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhh...

The Vice-President stands stunned. Suddenly his face brightens.

Vice President
Guess I'm the President now! Vikings, accost those guards! They're guilty of conspiring to hurt Tony Bennett!

Vikings
[in chorus] YAAH!

They Vikings overpower the soldiers and re-arm themselves.

Hydrogen Guy
The game is up, Dumnoric! You've lost!

Dumnoric
Think again, Hydrogen Guy! Look!

He points to the western sky. From a point somewhere in the jungle beyond Caernova, a missile rises into the sky on a plume of smoke and flame.

Desdemona
It's noon! Hydrogen Guy, we're too late!

Hydrogen Guy
Dumnoric...

He whirls around to find only the sloth hanging from the awning, taking a nap. Dumnoric has vanished.

Hydrogen Guy
Gone! God dammit! It was all for nothing!

Desdemona
Hydrogen Guy! What are we going to do? If we don't stop that missile, Brasília is doomed!

Tony Bennett
How's he gonna stop it? There's nothing we can do now!

Hydrogen Guy
If only I had a jet-pack!

Viking #3
Hvøll! Ja, you need jetpåck? I have just the ting..

The Viking strips off his outer layer of furs to reveal a shining silver jetpack strapped to his back.

Viking #1
Sven, since vhen yøu weår jetpåck?

Viking #3
Is my vife's ideå, ja. She vørries åbøut shipvreck.

Hydrogen Guy
Sure, Vikings with jetpacks, why the hell not. Gimme!

The Viking hands over the jetpack and Hydrogen Guy straps it on. Pressing the chest control, the jets fire and Hydrogen Guy is vaulted through the awning into the sky!

Desdemona
Good luck, Hydrogen Guy!!

Hydrogen Guy soars into the sky. He activates a control on his belt and activates his mask's infrared filter. The missile appears as a bright spot directly ahead of him. He rockets through the sky, steadily gaining on it. But not fast enough. He concentrates, drawing on his last reserves to bring his body density closer to that of hydrogen gas. His speed increases accordingly.

In a few minutes he is nearly abreast of the missile. He increases his height to keep himself out of the missile's exhaust trail. Concentrating on the missile ahead of him, he runs through his options. His best bet is to remove the uranium from the missile's warhead. The missile itself will still do considerable damage to the city... suddenly he realizes the missile is glowing much, much brighter than it should. He turns off the infrared filter - the missile is glowing red in the visible spectrum. Suddenly he is aware of massive shape above him. He backs off from the missile, just instants before the glowing missile dissolves in a shower of atomic powder.

Hydrogen Guy pulls up on the jetpack control, decreasing his speed dramatically.

Hydrogen Guy
What the hell?!

He looks up. The shape he sensed before is hover immediately above him.

He stares straight up at the KPL Frigate Actuary, which is pointing a cannon directly at him.

The captain watched as the planet appeared first as a tiny speck, then as a steadily growing disk on the view-glass. It was a fairly non-descript blue-green planet. The Actuary approached and prepared to enter a parking orbit around the planet.

Captain
Science.

Science Officer
Captain?

Captain
What's the status of our planetary sensors?

Science Officer
Err... about fifty percent intact, Captain. They're on the opposite side of the ship as the navigation sensors and weren't as badly hit by the cosmic ray storm.

Captain
Scan that planet down there.

The Kfarn insurance adjuster stepped up to the captain's station.

Tl
Captain? I do not understand the problem.

Captain
Adjuster, there is still some doubt in my mind as to whether this is actually Tau Corgi. The few visuals we've had of the primary star didn't look like Tau Corgi's primary...

Science Officer
Results coming in now, Captain... Captain! There is a large thaumaturgical disturbance on the southwestern continent.

Captain
Could it be connected to the nova flare?

Science Officer
Difficult to say, Captain, but it seems unlikely... Captain, there is a projectile launching from the same sector. It is armed with a nuclear warhead.

Captain
Aimed at us?!

Science Officer
It appears headed for a settlement on the planet.

Tl started.

Tl
Captain! This is dire! Tau Corgi is not insured for nuclear conflict!! If that projectile explodes, the Corgiian claim will be void!

Captain
Adjuster, I'm not convinced that -

Tl
Intercept and destroy that rocket, immediately!

Captain
Adjuster!

Tl
That is an order!

The captain appeared about to argue further, but stopped himself.

Captain
You agree to take responsibility?

Tl
Yes, of course!

Captain
If you insist, Adjuster. Helm, take us into the atmosphere.

Helm
Yes, Captain.

The frigate broke orbit and started heading down towards the planet. Its shields started glowing red from atmospheric entry.

Helm
Entering the atmosphere. Aerodynamic cloak activated.

The frigate's profile assumed a saucer-like shape as the extra shields activated. The view-glass cleared and the planet's landscape stretched out before them. The frigate was descending over a vast expanse of vegetation. The rocket was visible as a speck in the centre of the glass.

Captain
Tactical, lock on to the missile with Phase Undulation Disruptor cannons. We'll shake it apart on the atomic level to avoid exploding the warhead.

Jelvan Officer
Lock acquired, Captain.

Captain
Fire.

As the frigate grew closer, they could see the rocket on the view glass. It was beginning to glow from the PUD attack. The captain squinted at a small speck a few centimeters behind the rocket on the glass.

Jelvan Officer
The rocket has broken up, captain.

Captain
I can see, Tactical. Cease fire. Helm, pull up.

The ship slowed to a halt and hovered. The speck on the screen was just barely resolvable as humanoid.

Tl
Well done, Captain! No doubt the Corgiian missile defense system was malfunctioning due to the accident.

Captain
No doubt, Adjuster. Science, what is that image -

Communications Officer
Captain! I've locked onto an etherwave signal. Sir, it's the Betelgeuse relay!

Tl
Betelgeuse? That's impossible, that's on the other side of the Bangru sector! Captain?

The captain looked at her, then at the communications officer, then back at the figure on the view-glass. He started to laugh.

Tl
Captain? What does this mean? We can't - are you saying this isn't Tau Corgi II?

Captain
That's what I've been trying to tell you, you stupid squid! Helm, get us the hell out of here before anyone catches us! Navigation, set a course for that relay. There's a ship yard there, I think we should get our navigation sensors repaired. What do you think, Adjuster Tl?

Hydrogen Guy sets down in the middle of the Pit of Turbilhão's picnic area. A large reception committee runs out to meet him as he shuts down the jetpack

Desdemona
Hydrogen Guy! What happened? Did you stop the missile?

Hydrogen Guy looks up into the sky. He is just able to make out a flash of light as the alien spaceship leaves the atmosphere.

Hydrogen Guy
Ms. Hussientos, my partner has been turned into a sloth, I've been rescued from a demonic pit by Tony Bennett and two dozen Vikings, I've chased after a nuclear missile with a jetpack lent to me by said Vikings, and then watched a UFO dissolve said missile before my eyes. I no longer believe that there is any logical coherency to the universe whatsoever.

Desdemona
So Brasília is safe?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes.

The Vikings let up a cheer. Hydrogen Guy takes the Deuterium Sloth from Desdemona's arms.

Hydrogen Guy
Come on, DB, we've got to get you genetically re-engineered or something.

He turns to the former Vice-President.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, Dan, need help in establishing a free democratic parliamentary government?

Vice-President
Oh, no thank you, Mr. Foreign Diplomat Person. Desdemona's going to help me become new absolute dictator!

Hydrogen Guy
WHAT? [to Desdemona] What about all that stuff about your people being free?

Desdemona
I'm sorry I deceived you, Hydrogen Guy. That was just a line, really, to get Deuterium Boy into the kitchen with me. You see, I'm not really General Hussientos' daughter - I was his CIA liaison. The CIA helped his coup into power, but since he obtained nuclear weapons, he'd become inconvenient to us. Dictatorships are much better for America's interests than parliamentary democracies, so we're going to install Dan here as the new President.

Vice-President
The Vikings have volunteered as my new security force and everything!

The Vikings nod agreeably.

Hydrogen Guy
[sighs] No logical coherency at all.

Deuterium Sloth
Ruh?

Desdemona
Oh, Deuterium Boy! [she takes the sloth's head in her hands] I didn't lie to you to be cruel, it was just my job. I meant everything I said to you last night! In a couple of years, the CIA mole in the British Columbia Premier's office will be retiring, and by then my work will be done here. I'll take the job in B.C., and we can be together!

Deuterium Sloth
Ruh!

Tony Bennett
He says that'd be that cat's pajamas.

Hydrogen Guy
You've got a real way with sloths, Mr. Bennett.

He looks around at the beautiful scenery of Caernova's favourite picnic spot on a summer afternoon. A light breeze ruffled Deuterium Sloth's fur.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, DB, we should be off.

Desdemona
Oh, Hydrogen Guy, I suppose I should tell you... your car got towed.

Hydrogen Guy
Towed. Great. Point me in the direction of the towing lot?

Vice-President
Just down the street from the Presidential Palace. You can catch the bus over there.

Desdemona
Mention my name, they'll let the car go for nothing.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

Tony Bennett
Hey, HG, can you give me a ride to the airport? I gotta get to Rio.

Hydrogen Guy
No problem, Mr. Bennett. It's the least I could do.

Tony Bennett claps him on the back and they walk off towards the bus stop.

Vice-President
Who was that Foreign Diplomat Person?

Desdemona
That... was Hydrogen Guy. [Pause] Now Dan, first thing we have to do is start a Republican party...

The Galactic Customs prefect of Betelgeuse station looked at the three beings in his office with the sort of look familiar to hassled law enforcement agents all over the galaxy. He decided that it was best to stop looking at them, as it only made him feel worse. He looked at the report on his computer screen instead.

Prefect
All right, gentlebeings. Let me get this clear. You, Captain Tolbosa, entered the atmosphere of a developing world, fired on a nuclear missile, were seen by at least one Earther wearing a jetpack, and then fled the scene and gave chase to a Galactic Customs enforcement vessel.

The Partuuni captain was perfectly calm. Relaxed, even.

Captain
That's right.

Prefect
And you, Adjuster Tl, admit that you ordered Captain Tolbasa to enter the atmosphere of the developing world and open fire on the nuclear missile, being under the impression that the planet was Tau Corgi II and that the terms of their insurance policy were being violated.

Tl
Yes, Comrade Prefect. But you must understand that had I understood -

Prefect
A simple yes or no answer will suffice, Adjuster. And you, Minister Gerrad Poole, were in stasis the entire time, and had no idea that any of this was going on, and that as far as you knew you were returning to Tau Corgi II and not harassing developing worlds in strict violation of practically every GC regulation on file.

Gerrad
That's correct, Prefect.

The prefect glanced up at Gerrad Poole. He briefly felt a few pangs of sympathy. He had seen reports on the Tau Corgi disaster, and they didn't look good at all. He looked back at the report.

Prefect
You know, our Men in Black on Sol III have been working overtime for a week trying to cover your tracks. The on-site GC agent can't or won't identify the guy with the jetpack but at least two hundred other people all over South America saw a, quote, "flying saucer" destroy a nuclear missile. I have every reason to throw your entire crew in detention, Captain, and you, Adjuster Tl, and even you, Minister Gerrad, and confiscate the ship. But seeing as how you're on something of a mission of mercy, I can't in all good conscience detain you.

Gerrad
Thank you, Prefect.

Prefect
You're welcome. Damn shame about your planet, Minister. My heart goes out to your people. On the other hand, Kfarni Planetary Life will be hearing from my office shortly. You're dismissed.

The Partuuni captain rose and sauntered out of the office, looking smug. Gerrad Poole followed behind him, wearing an expression of relief. Hababebabian Tl hesitated for a moment, but then she caught the prefect's eye and thought better of it.

When he was alone, he pressed the intercom button on his control panel. His secretary's face appeared on the viewscreen.

Prefect
Please tell me that's all, Garso.

Secretary
One more, Lucas. Another from Sol III. The report's on your screen now.

Prefect
Huh. War's been busy. All right, send them in.

The door opened and a tall humanoid entered the room. He had a peculiar grey uniform with very wide shoulders, a severe hairstyle, and pointed ears. The prefect groaned.

Stranger
Ah, the Grand Admiral of Space Command, my old adversary.

Prefect
Oh God, not you again...

As his interviewee started nattering on about Quirinian honour and diplomatic immunity, the prefect turned to read the report. The afternoon kept getting longer.