Hydrogen Guy
STOP! WAIT! What the hell is going on here? Somebody locked my dressing room door and then I get out and find THIS?

Hydrogen Guy
No, dammit! Rob! Rob!! Where's Rob?

Rob
Right here, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
What's going on? Who are these people?

Hydrogen Guy
Shut up. Rob?

Rob
This is Floretta and Morris, HG. It's a Special Presentation of "The Fridges of Spuzzum County".

Hydrogen Guy
Where's our show? What about our show? I'm supposed to be waking up after that Waitress stunned us at Pizza Kremlin and...

Rob
Shush! Don't give it away!

Hydrogen Guy
Rob, our show?

Rob
Er.. HG, we got some complaints last week. A few people objected to our portrayal of Deuterium Boy as an insane obese dwarf.

Hydrogen Guy
The insane obese dwarf lobby?

Rob
I hate to apply labels, HG, but the correct term is "differently proportioned". And as Louis from the San Fernando chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Differently Proportioned Persons pointed out, not all differently proportioned persons believe they are potato queens.

Hydrogen Guy
And... ?

Rob
HG, I tried the best I could, but the Powers That Be decided to pull "The Files of Hydrogen Guy" for a while and put "The Fridges of Spuzzum County" in our time-slot. We'll just be on hiatus while they run the "Fridges" mini-series.

Hydrogen Guy
How long is that gonna last?

Floretta
'bout fifteen weeks.

Hydrogen Guy
Fifteen... right! It's pirate time!!!

With a mighty ARGGGGGHHHH Hydrogen Guy throws the struggling, taut-bodied Morris over his shoulder and carries him off, while Rob does the same with Floretta. Grips and stage hands in pirate garb swing through the air on ropes and cables, singing sea shanties and quickly striking the set. Rob enters with a captain's hat on his head, an eye-patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder.

Rob
Avast, me hearties! Cue the lights! Jib the rigging! Fetch me little director's chair! On in five, four, three, two, one... Action!

Parrot
SQUAWK! Action! Action! SQUAWK!

And Now...

Never Say Die Till You're Dead - Part IV

Hydrogen Guy drifts slowly back to consciousness. He becomes conscious of a bright light through his eyelids, the lapping sound of water, the smell of the ocean. He opens his eyes and finds himself staring up at a pale, cloudless sky and a searing sun.

He sits up and finds himself in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. There is nothing but water around him, horizon to horizon, for 360 degrees. The rowboat is empty except for himself - no oars. He is dressed in the tattered remains of his Hydrogen Guy costume. He feels several days worth of beard on his face.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. Just great. Well, that explains the pirate dream...

The last thing he remembers is being stunned in the Pizza Kremlin by a waitress with some kind of sonic weapon; the year was 2135. Nothing he sees around him can confirm or deny that that is still the case. Lately he felt he couldn't take things like that for granted.

He sits and contemplates the situation for some minutes, which is about all that he was immediately capable of doing. Prospects looked bleak. He wondered where Deuterium Boy and Algernon War were.

Suddenly he becomes aware that something is wrong. He can't smell anything.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh shit!

One of his most significant powers was the ability to detect trace amounts of chemical compounds and identify them with his sense of smell. Now all he smelled was the same vague ocean odour as anyone else.

Frantically, he scoops a handful of sea water into his mouth, and immediately spits it out. It's disgusting, but his sense of taste yields nothing else. His atomic senses are gone. He tries some simple chemical tricks by manipulating the hydrogen atoms in the sea water, but to no effect.

His hydrogen powers were gone without a trace.

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit. Dammit dammit DAMMIT! This couldn't POSSIBLY be any worse!!

The sea in front of him suddenly explodes as a massive shape rears out of the water. He stares up at it in awe. The serpent is nearly two stories tall and appears to be in a very bad humour.

It stares down at him with blank, watery eyes. It opens its gigantic mouth and dives straight down at him. He screams.

Hydrogen Guy
AAAAAAAAAAAA -- !

N
Oh, really James, try and pull yourself together.

The time: the year 2135. The scene: a posh penthouse office, high above the streets of the new Vancouver City. Hydrogen Guy finds himself, still dressed in his sea-bound rags and with his sea-bound beard, sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a mammoth oak desk. Beside him, the mercenary Algernon War and the "differently proportioned" Deuterium Boy are still unconscious. Behind the desk sits a man in early middle-age, wearing a fashionable suit and a diabolic look. Hydrogen Guy finds him instantly recognizable. Reaper is lurking in the background on the man's left.

Hydrogen Guy
N. What an unpleasant surprise. Remind me never to say "This can't possibly be any worse" around you ever again.

N
Don't worry, your "hydrogen powers" are also fully restored. You must forgive me my harmless little bit of fun at your expense. How did you enjoy the South Seas of 2135?

Hydrogen Guy
You mean that was REAL? That sea serpent...

N
Yes. It seems sometime in the late 21st century some disreputable laboratories started creating what they called "genetically-engineered weapons". Being human, and therefore incompetent, they got out of control.

Algernon War moans. He and Deuterium Boy are groggily waking up.

Deuterium Boy
HG? What happened?

N
Welcome back to the land of the living, my dear David. If you can call it that. How lovely to see you all again! James, David, and oh, if it isn't dear little Algernon, I haven't seen you since you were knee high to a nanobot!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Implausible Happenstances! N, the Servomation Controller! What are you doing in this century?

N
I suggest you go back to your dictionary and look up the word "immortal".

Algernon
Number 17, I presume? So you're the Orc' Corporate Manager who hired us?

N
In a manner of speaking... Im not really with Orca Bay. I'm CEO of a little outfit called Concord Pacific, perhaps youve heard of us?

Hydrogen Guy
Back where we come from he runs an organization called Servomation.

N
I like to keep busy.

Algernon
[furious] You pustulous bastard... you lied to us!!

N
I had to. I knew you wouldnt work for ConPac, and it was essential that Chuck War's descendant be involved in this project.

Hydrogen Guy
What do you want with us, N?

N
As always, merely to help.

Deuterium Boy
I find that hard to believe.

N
Oh, David, always the septic. I like your new look by the way. From now on, of course, you'll have to get all your doorways installed sideways.

Deuterium Boy
That's not funny, N!

N
You're no fun.

Algernon
What the hell are you? When you hired me before I thought you were just another suit...

N
Yes, Algie, but now you see the demi-god inside the suit, struggling to get out. You see...

He leans back in his chair and steeples his fingers, staring off at some distant point on the ceiling.

N
... I am, as you may have concluded, not of your world. I come from a "place", for want of a better word, outside of the normal run of time and space. We call it the Manifold. I have been temporarily exiled from the Manifold, and have been amusing myself by running various corporations on your world and others in the interest of curiosity. It certainly beats sitting around and watching planets dry.

Hydrogen Guy
That's fascinating, but I've had enough of omnipotent beings for one day, N. Can you send us back to our own time?

N
It would be child's play. You could do it yourself, if I showed you a few minute's of the Manifold's version of Sesame Street. Honestly, though, I can't understand this human obsession with linear time. Get thrown a few decades into the future and you start whining... but then when isn't your species whining?

Deuterium Boy
That old nut who brought us here... he was one of you, wasn't he?

N
Bravo, David, bravo. The sidekick shows some grey matter. Ah yes, dear old Uncle Z... Apparently he forgot to take his medication again and just wandered off...

With a flash, an old man in grey robes and a disreputable pointy hat appears beside N's desk. It is the inimitable Z, whom Hydrogen Guy had last left bottled up in the Telus Command Complex.

Z
N, my dear boy!

He grabs N's hand and starts shaking it warmly.

Z
How the devil are you? Wait, wait, that's redundant... haven't seen you since that Faust business... nasty load of goods, that...

N
Uncle Z, have you been time traveling with strangers again? What will I tell Mother?

Startled, Z steps back, pulling N's hand off. A new one pops into existence on N's arm.

Z
You... you... won't tell her will you, boy?

N
She won't be happy, Uncle...

Z
I... I'd be on tapioca for the rest of the millennium. No more movies on Tuesdays... you wouldn't! You couldn't!

N
I can and I definitely would. You've been a naughty, naughty demi-god!

Z
I... I... I'll take you to the circus! We'll see the clowns! I'll treat you to lunch at Milliways, we'll even stay for the floor show! Just don't tell your Mother...

N
Fine, fine just don't take me to the circus... you know clowns frighten me. Now be a good little incompetent and go play with the fern in the hall.

Happy, Z wanders across the office and out the door.

N
Relatives... now where were we?

Hydrogen Guy
You were just about to send us directly back to our own time.

N
Ah, yes, well about that James, I'm afraid I just can't.

Deuterium Boy
Why the hell not, you pompous git?

N
I don't want to.

Hydrogen Guy
Change your mind immediately or you'll be eating something considerably worse than tapioca.

N
Oh, you humans are so cute when you're hopelessly out-matched. I'd have one for a pet, if only I could find one that wouldn't excrete on the rug...

Hydrogen Guy
DAMMIT, N!!!!

N
Now you're starting to sound like a certain starship captain I'll know several centuries from now. Forgive me, I'm rambling most unproductively... I don't want to send you back yet because while you're here, I thought you might be useful.

Deuterium Boy
How can we be useful to you? You've said yourself that you're as high above us on the evolutionary ladder as we are above an amoeba or Ralph Klein.

N
Yes, but there's this annoying little Manifold rule that says I can't take direct action or reveal my powers on a so-called developing world... and although I doubt Earth will develop into much more than a galactic traffic cone, I have to obey or the consequences could be rather nasty for me.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, and we'd hate anything nasty to happen to you.

N
You know, DB, for someone whose very existence depends on my generosity, you're being dreadfully confrontational.

Hydrogen Guy
Come on, N, what do you want? Whatever it is, we'll do it. Just to get away from you, if anything.

N
That's the spirit, Jimbo! Recently, there's been a change of command in ICBC. The old cadre, which has been successfully running the once-formidable organization into the ground, has been ousted by a ruthless ICBC general known as Hans-Raoul.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost... not... ?

N
Yes, James, the very same Hans-Raoul who was just brought into the fold a few weeks before Z transported you here. Hans-Raoul comes from far, far outside of your reality.

Deuterium Boy
He's from the Manifold?

N
No. [sighs] How to explain this to such limited intellects? The Manifold, while separated from the rest of the Universe, is still part of it. I am as much a part of this reality as you are, albeit a much more significant part. Hans-Raoul, on the other hand, is from a different reality altogether. A much more.. primeval reality. He is one of a handful of beings who can travel between realities at will, a trick which not even members of the Manifold can accomplish. Is any of this getting through your thick skulls?

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, so let me grunt this back at you: you're from the Manifold, which is part of our Universe. Hans-Raoul is from some other Universe. He can travel between Universes and you can't.

N
It's all much more subtle than that, but that's close enough, I suppose.

Deuterium Boy
So what's his interest in ICBC?

N
He wants nothing less than to destroy our entire reality, and for some odd reason he's decided that Earth is the key to doing this, and for some even odder reason he's decided that you two are the key to destroying Earth. In this timeline he's done so, and will eventually take over the planet. ICBC is just one of his many tools.

Hydrogen Guy
And you want to prevent this?

N
The Manifold has some vested interest in keeping reality viable.

Hydrogen Guy
So why don't you just take out Hans-Raoul yourself?

N
This is like trying to explain relativity to a tapeworm. I would very much like to "take him out" myself, James, but for various reasons that would be politically unwise. His powers are not to be scoffed at, even by myself. The usual Neanderthals I hire for this sort of job wouldn't last a second against him. But you three, with my dear friend Reaper, might just have a chance.

Hydrogen Guy
And you'll send us back to our own time if we do this for you?

N
Manifold Scout's honour.

Deuterium Boy
Fine, we'll do it.

Algernon
As much as I enjoy blowing the intestines out of ICBC brute squads, I'd rather have a spleenectomy with a rusty spoon than work for you, N.

Hydrogen Guy
C'mon, join the party. We'll bring some dip and some Cheez-Ritz, it'll be a blast.

N
See? Now you're getting into it. Reaper?

Reaper draws closer to the desk.

N
Show them out, will you? And make sure they pay for the pizzas.

Reaper gestures, and the three rise and walk towards the door.

N
And gentlemen?

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy turn.

N
Don't screw this one up. I was somewhat disappointed in "The Vector of Doom". And keep in mind, Hans-Raoul's not a lobster. He's dangerous, possibly the most dangerous adversary you'll ever meet.

Hydrogen Guy
Our expertise doesn't just include lobsters, N.

Deuterium Boy
Hans-Raoul had better hide the silverware. We're coming for dinner.

He strikes as heroic a pose as an overweight, three-foot tall man can muster, and they depart.

A moment later, Z reappears in the office. Any trace of the befuddled old man is gone from his demeanor.

Z
Are they going to do it?

N
Yes, Uncle. I repeated your entire ridiculous story to them verbatim.

Z
With your own editorial comments.

N
I'm a journalist at heart, what can I say? They bought it, that's what matters. They wouldn't have if I appeared too earnest.

Z
True. They expect you to be an arrogant fool, just as I do.

N
And I must say that the rôle of senile fool is one that fits you rather well, Uncle.

Z
You may stop calling me that now.

N
Oh, but I like it. Uncle Z.

Z
Immediately.

N
Yes, my liege.

Z walks over to the window. He can just make out four specks emerging from the building's lobby onto the street. N turns in his chair.

N
Tell me, Time Master, what exactly do you hope they'll accomplish? Hans-Raoul may not have the Manifold's flashy powers, but he could still crush them like insects.

Z
Awareness, N. If Hans-Raoul can make them aware before throwing them back into the time-stream, we'll have won a great victory over him.

N
And if he simply kills them?

Z
Then we were wrong about the Elementals, and there is no hope after all.

On the elevator trip down to street level, it was clear to the Diatomic Duo that Algernon War was in a worse mood than that sea serpent that Hydrogen Guy had met earlier. Upon emerging from the Concord Pacific building, it was clear they were in one of the better parts of the new Vancouver City. There was no sign of the rubble and ruin they had passed by earlier, or of the Third-World ambiance of South Surrey. The buildings were gleaming, new and futuristic. Sleek vehicles that they assumed were cars were parked along the side of the street, or occasionally drove - or flew - past. Hydrogen Guy suggested a café-stop for a planning session. Algernon grunted agreement, and led them to a café a few blocks away.

The café is a rough-looking place, and seems filled with a 22nd-century punk aesthetic. The quartet's bizarre appearance - a mercenary, an obese dwarf in a gaudy superhero garb, a shipwreck survivor, and the Grim Reaper - elicits only a few curious glances from the café patrons, themselves looking like dark alley nightmares. Algernon War explains that this place is popular with mercenaries who work for ConPac. They belly up to the coffee bar and a barista with a padlock through his nose inquires what they want.

Hydrogen Guy
Three hot chocolates, please, light on the transition metals.

Java Punk
You want'em poisoned?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh.. no, thats fine, thanks.

Java Punk
[shrugs] Suit yourself.

He leaves.

Deuterium Boy
Not exactly Starbucks, is it?

Algernon
There arent anymore Starbucks... They used to be major surveillance centres for ConPac... but then they started brewing beans supplied by one of BC Hydro's puppet coffee cartels. ConPac retaliated by fire-bombing every last shop in the downtown core... all 507 of them. People called it "Night of the Burning Java".

Deuterium Boy
The bastards!

Reaper
[silence]

Algernon
That's about it, too, Reaper, old squid.

The barista returns. He sets the three hot chocolates on the table and slugs Hydrogen Guy in the jaw.

Deuterium Boy
OW! Hey!!

Java Punk
No charge.

He leaves.

Algernon
[to HG] We're lucky, he likes you.

Hydrogen Guy
What was the deal with you and N back there? You have some problem with Concord Pacific?

Algernon
You bet I do. My brother Lodowick was hired by them once to infiltrate Orca Bay and bring back details on their planned assault on the BC Place weapons depot. He brought back the plans and got a knife in his throat by way of payment.

Deuterium Boy
Bummer.

Algernon
Major bummer. So I've got this hatred of all things ConPac. Keeps me amused on the weekends.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't like working for these guys either, but it's the best lead we've got on how to get back to our own time.

Algernon
Well, best of luck.

Deuterium Boy
You're not going to help us?

Algernon
Not for all the bytes in China.

Deuterium Boy
But what about all that business about helping us survive in this century?

Algernon
My job is done, though I'm damned sorry I took it. I told you, I won't work for ConPac.

Hydrogen Guy
But you're not working for ConPac, you'll be working for us.

Deuterium Boy
Huh?

Algernon
Oh really? And how do you propose to pay me, exactly?

Hydrogen Guy
What do you want?

Algernon
I'd do it for 45 ter's - enough bytes to buy me a free range dairy in the Okanagan. But only if the data was coming from you, not ConPac.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't understand the currency, I'm afraid.

Deuterium Boy
Simple, HG - obviously cash is useless for anything important. What counts is bytes. He needs 45 terabytes of usable data.

Algernon
Precisely.

Hydrogen Guy
How did you know that?

Deuterium Boy
The Cosmic -

Hydrogen Guy
Never mind. So, Algie, is 45 terabytes a lot?

Algernon
A dashed lot. More than I'd make for ten jobs.

Deuterium Boy
How are we going to get that kind of data?

Algernon's eyes light up.

Algernon
I know just the place, lads. Just across the inlet is where all the posh ConPac managers have their digs. A chap down at the Bot's Club tells me that a cove named Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy keeps a couple petabytes on low-security drives in his back room. He's just begging for someone to relieve him of it.

Deuterium Boy
You mean break in and steal it?

Algernon
Spot on, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Isn't it wrong for a pair of superheroes to go around breaking into houses and stealing things?

Hydrogen Guy
Desperate times, DB. If making a withdrawal from the bank of Vandreskhanar-Gariepy is the only way to bring Algie on board, then so be it.

Reaper
[approving silence]

Algernon
So we're all in, then.

They quaff their hot chocolates.

Algernon
We'll get back to my flat and get the proper gear together, and hit the place tonight.

As they rise to leave, the barista grabs Hydrogen Guy and knees him in the groin.

Hydrogen Guy
OOOOOOOHHHH!

Java Punk
Thank you for your patronage, please come again.

Café Patron #1
Oy! I'll have what he's having!

A Collision Course with Danger! As our heroes plan their midnight caper, unexplained forces are aligning around them. What are N and Z's true purposes? Can the Diatomic Duo defeat Hans-Raoul and get back to their own time? And what, exactly, is going to go wrong at Chez Vandreskhanar-Gariepy? Find out in Part V of...

Never Say Die Till You're Dead
Same Hydrogen time - same Hydrogen website!