Never Say Die Till You're Dead - Part VI

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

North Vancouver, 2135: The wealthiest neighborhoods in the former British Columbia province, home to the powerful managers of several Corporations, including Concord Pacific. The houses are mansions in the post-neo-decadent style. One particular house - the residence of one Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy, CCP - has been quietly under observation from a '36 Mitsubishi Ravager Coupe parked at the other end of the street. Vandreskhanar-Gariepy takes no notice of it as he leaves for his board meeting at 1800 sharp.

At 1900, as darkness falls, the occupants of the car prepare to make their move.

Algernon
How's it look, Reaper?

Reaper
["all clear" silence]

Algernon
Right. Time to launch, chaps. First thing we do is get one of you into the house with that gas trick.

Hydrogen Guy
You should go, DB, I'm still tapped out from this morning.

Deuterium Boy
Right ho, HG.

Hydrogen Guy gives him an odd look.

Algernon
Bally good. Now, DB, you remember the stuff about the security system? You'll have to deactivate it once you're in. Take these...

He hands Deuterium Boy a small case of tools, which Deuterium Boy slips into an empty compartment on his Useful Things belt.

Algernon
... and this. It's an ear-bug, a two-way communication device. Stick it in your ear. No offense, old chip.

Deuterium Boy
None taken.

He takes the pill-sized object and inserts it in his ear.

Algernon
When I turn it on, I'll be able to hear on my cell implant everything you do, and you'll be able to gab with me at your leisure. Once you've disarmed the security system, give me the signal and then come let us in. Now, the signal will be when you sing a few bars of a song. Do you know "My Mr. Johnson Has Silky Brown Hair"?

Deuterium Boy
What?

Algernon
Surely you've heard of it? A tender love ballad about a merc who falls for her Corp contact? It's got a dashed catchy refrain that goes, "Hoochy coochy, hunky dory / Excuse me Mister Yakimori ..."

Deuterium Boy
No, sorry. How about "Another Brick in the Wall Part II"?

Algernon
Never heard of it. What about "My Baby's On A Shadow-Run For Me"? No? "Forty-Seven Ginger-Headed Mercenaries"? Surely you've heard "My Heart is Open Source to You" by the Gnu Stallmans?

Hydrogen Guy
How about if you just tells us when the system's down?

Deuterium Boy
Sure.

Algernon
Oh, I suppose... Ho! Hold on, you've left your gun!

He stops Deuterium Boy as he's climbing out of the car.

Deuterium Boy
I'm not taking it.

Algernon
What if you're caught?

Deuterium Boy
I'm a superhero. We don't shoot startled home-owners while burgling their houses. I'll handle it some other way.

Hydrogen Guy
Well put, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Thank you, HG.

Reaper
[exasperated silence]

Algernon
Don't be a dashed nincompoop. Take the bally gun! If you're stuck without it, your outdated ideals won't help you worth a spent shell. If you end up dead the whole job's a bust.

Deuterium Boy
No guns. That's final.

He climbs out and closes the door.

Algernon
You're both fatheads.

Hydrogen Guy
You should have made him sing something by Britney Spears.

Algernon
What, the opera singer?

Deuterium Boy walks nonchalantly down the street. He comes to the gates of Vandreskhanar-Gariepy's house. He glances around - the coast is clear. His spherical outline dissolves into a cloud of deuterium gas, which drifts through the gates, and rematerializes on the other side. He is a bit disappointed to see that he is still an obese dwarf when he rematerializes.

Voice of Algernon
Can you hear me DB? What's your status?

Deuterium Boy
I'm just through the gates. I'm heading across the lawn. I think I can see a vent or something.

Deuterium Boy dashes (well, waddles, really) across the lawn, dodging the occasional automated searchlight from the roof of the house. He reaches his destination: an oversized air conditioning vent. He transforms himself into deuterium gas once again, and the cloud drifts quickly and purposefully up the vent.

Deuterium Boy rematerializes in a darkened room. The darkness heightens the disorientation of reappearing in solid form, which has already heightened Deuterium Boy's natural disorientation thanks to Hydrogen Guy's botched Molecular Restoration job. For an instant Deuterium Boy thinks he is back in the Potato Kingdom, until he hears Algernon War's voice in his ear.

Voice of Algernon
Deuterium Boy! Are you in?

Deuterium Boy
In. Right, yes, I'm in. It's dark, but I think I'm in the living room.

Voice of Algernon
Good. The security panel is behind a painting on the east wall. Use some of that super-atomic speed of yours.

Deuterium Boy
Sure. Just let me catch my breath.

Suddenly, a deep ominous voice somewhere behind him starts saying deep, ominous things.

Ominous Voice
Intruder Alert. Termination Imminent.

Deuterium Boy
Shit! I think I set it off!

Ominous Voice
Intruder Alert. Termination Imminent.

Voice of Algernon
Shut it off! Quick, man!

Deuterium Boy pulls a hand-lamp from his Useful Things belt and switches it on. He scans around the room, desperately trying to locate the painting.

Ominous Voice
Intruder Alert. Termination Imminent. Get that damned light out of my eyes, you bastard!

Deuterium Boy pauses and flicks the light back. Beside the piano sits a wooden perch, and on the perch, a large parrot.

Parrot
Intruder Alert! I told you to get that damned light out of my eyes! Bastard! Termination Imminent, you bastard!

Voice of Algernon
What is it? Who's there?

Deuterium Boy
It's just a parrot!

Parrot
A blind parrot, bastard! Light! Now! SQUAWK!

Deuterium Boy lowers the light and approaches the perch.

Deuterium Boy
You've got an awfully ominous voice for a parrot.

Voice of Algernon
It's probably got a genetically augmented digitized voice box. They're all the rage in pets for the wealthy. Now forget the blasted parrot and shut off the security!

Parrot
And you're awfully short for a burglar. SQUAWK! Termination Imminent.

The parrot hops onto Deuterium Boy's shoulder, reaches in his ear with its beak and pulls out his ear bug. He emits a loud squawk, and then swallows it.

Deuterium Boy
HEY!

Parrot
Keep your voice down, bastard.

Back in the car...

Algernon
AHH!!

Hydrogen Guy
What? What?

Algernon
The parrot must have squawked right in the blasted ear bug. Deuterium Boy? Deuterium Boy! Can you hear me? [Pause] Deuterium Boy? [Pause] Frag. We've got a problem.

Reaper
[warning silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Looks like we've got two problems...

An armoured van marked "ConPac" security has pulled up across the street. Four men and three women, all in uniforms and with weapons on their belts, get out of the van. One has now approached the car. Reaper rolls down the window.

ConPac Officer
Everything all right here?

Algernon
Fine. We're just waiting for someone.

ConPac Officer
Can I see your identity cards, please?

Parrot
What do you want, bastard?

Deuterium Boy
None of your business, bird. Get off me!

He tries to shake the bird off, but it digs its talons in. Trying to pull it off gets him a nip on the hand.

Deuterium Boy
OW!! Stupid bird!

Parrot
Chill out, bastard, and enjoy the ride. SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

The bird protests loudly as Deuterium Boy turns his lamp back on and shines it directly in the bird's eyes. It yields and flutters back to its perch.

Parrot
Dirty fragging bastard! SQUAWK!

Deuterium Boy
Now leave me alone, while I disarm the security panel!

Suddenly an alarm sounds. Red lights along the ceiling start to flash.

Parrot
Too late! Termination Imminent! Termination Imminent!

Deuterium Boy
Aagh!

He starts randomly pulling paintings off the walls.

Parrot
The Matisse, you moron! Over the vidbox!

Deuterium Boy locates the security panel and pries it open. It is a mass of flat touch-screen buttons. He pulls out the tool kit that Algernon War gave him and starts fumbling with it.

Parrot
SQUAWK! Two two four six! Two two four six! Punch in the code, bastard! Moron bastard! SQUAWK!

Deuterium Boy taps "2-2-4-6" on the panel and the alarms and flashing lights cease. He exhales a sigh of relief.

Parrot
SQUAWK! You're the worst burglar I've ever seen! SQUAWK!

Deuterium Boy
Hey, it's not my usual job OR my usual century, okay? Lay off.

Parrot
You're welcome. Bastard. SQUAWK!

The ConPac policeman gives the card in his hand a skeptical look.

ConPac Officer
Alonso Bassington?

Reaper
[nods]

ConPac Officer
And these guys are your cousins from out-of-town, and they left their cards back at the hotel because you said drinks were on you.

Reaper
[nods]

ConPac Officer
Just a minute. Stay here.

He leaves, taking Reaper's bogus ID with him, to confer with the other ConPac police.

Hydrogen Guy
Now what?

Algernon
Dashed if I know. It's Reaper's con now. Reaper, how good is that ident?

Reaper
[shrugs]

Hydrogen Guy
I'm not reassured. What about Deuterium Boy?

Algernon
We watch for some kind of sign from the house and hope he strangled that blasted parrot.

Vananda Prosser was annoyed. Her most carefully wrought scheme seemed to be coming down around her ears.

Her friend Nicky, who was to have impersonated her fiancée in the upcoming interview with her father, had phoned with his regrets. He had been scooped up in a Telus raid on a coffee shop near ConPac headquarters, and was unlikely to be able to keep the appointment. She resolved that should Nicky survive the experience, he would not come away from his next meeting with her in the same condition. Especially after she had cut short her stay at Whistler specifically to execute this brainstorm.

She pulls her Ares auto-pistol out of her handbag by force of habit as the retinal scanner gives her eyes the once over. The front door clicks open and she walks inside. A quick glance around the foyer leads her to believe that all is well. She kicks off her shoes and heads for the living room.

She flicks on the living room light and finds some kind of troll in brightly coloured tights trying to strangle her parrot. He stops and stares at her. The parrot struggles free and flies over to land on her shoulder. Frightened, she levels the gun at the intruder.

Vananda
Who the hell are you and what are you doing to Galahad?

Deuterium Boy
Galahad?

She fires a warning shot at a china figurine sitting on the piano. Instead she hits a lamp shade on the other side of the room. The effect is the same.

Deuterium Boy
Hey! Watch it!

Vananda
Answer my questions.

Deuterium Boy
My name is Deuterium Boy. I'm here to liberate some of your father's money in the name of world peace.

Parrot
SQUAWK! Bastard! He's doing a lousy job of it, too.

Vananda
Oh, Gally... did the nasty little troll hurt you?

Parrot
I'm gonna sue his ass off. SQUAWK!

Deuterium Boy
Who are you calling a troll?

Vananda
You, you blubberous munchkin. Look, buster, I know a bit about medieval superheroes and you don't look anything like Deuterium Boy. He was tall and handsome and has been dead for two hundred years. You're short and repugnant and will be dead in five seconds if you don't --

Suddenly, a thought which had been crossing her mind performs a quarter turn, and lodges itself in her prefrontal lobe. This individual was indeed short and repugnant. In fact, he was one of the few people she'd ever seen that was more repugnant to look at than her absent friend Nicky, who himself was no likely study for a portrait by Karsh. It occurs to her that her father would likely agree to just about anything to avoid having this person as a son-in-law.

Vananda
Wait. Check that. Stay right where you are. You're going to be of use to me.

Deuterium Boy
I'm sorry?

Vananda
You are going to impersonate my fiancée.

The Cosmic Pie whispered to Deuterium Boy that this woman was crazy.

Deuterium Boy
No, no, I don't think so.

She fires again at the same figurine. This time the bullet ricochets off the stone fireplace behind Deuterium Boy and embeds itself in the piano, causing the figurine to topple off and shatter on the ground. Deuterium Boy jumps. While his super-atomic speed easily allowed him to dodge well-aimed bullets, bullets with no real idea of where they were going were more of a challenge.

Deuterium Boy
All right, suppose I do.

Vananda
Good. Let me explain, so you'll be well-informed and more likely to help me carry this off. I am actually engaged to be married to Basil Wu. Basil's in the Concord Pacific Security Corps.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, congratulations.

Vananda
Thank you. The only hitch is that Father disapproves of Basil. Father's a corporate pillager of the old blood, you see, and dislikes Security Corps on principle. Basil wants to get out of the Corps - he agrees with me that it's too dangerous for a man who wants to start a family. A friend of his who's an information broker has offered to sell him his business for sixty terabytes.

Deuterium Boy
Sixty terabytes?

Vananda
I know it's a lot, but for an established information brokerage with underworld contacts and everything it's an absolute steal. His friend complains that he almost never has to kill anyone and that it's far too staid for him, but he makes money hand over fist. Anyways, I don't have the money, and Basil certainly doesn't have the money, and Father refuses to lend Basil anything. So you see the problem.

Parrot
SQUAWK! Sticky wicket! SQUAWK! Bastard!

Deuterium Boy
Yes, I see. Look, if you let me call my friends in here, we can break into his hard drives and --

Vanada waves the gun alarmingly.

Vananda
What, steal from my own father? Don't be ridiculous!

Deuterium Boy
Just a suggestion. Look, can you be careful with that gun? You're aiming it at the potted fern and if it went off it could very likely hit me.

Vananda
Oh, sorry.

She lowers the gun, and keeps it trained on the piano somewhat more discreetly.

Vananda
No, stealing is right out. But I came upon this current plan while reading an old novel: let Father think that I've gone and gotten engaged to you. Then he'll do just about anything, including come across with the bytes, to separate us. Understand?

Deuterium Boy is forced to reevaluate his opinion of the Prosser creature. While still convinced that she's crazy, he is forced to appreciate her analytical, if thoroughly loony, mind.

Deuterium Boy
All right. It might work. But can we ask for 105 terabytes? I need forty-five in the name of world peace.

Vananda ponders this as the parrot Galahad plays with her hair.

Vananda
Well... all right. Since you're being such a good sport about it. What's your name?

Deuterium Boy
David. David Marcolin.

Vananda
Hm. Well, it'll have to do. I've never been good at thinking up names either.

It seemed to Hydrogen Guy that the ConPac officer was taking an unnecessarily long time. The officer appeared to be discussing the matter with the other members of the patrol squad. Algernon War, too, seemed to be finding the wait uncomfortable, while making intermittent attempts to get in touch with Deuterium Boy. Only Reaper seems unruffled.

Algernon
AAH!

Hydrogen Guy
What? Contact?

Algernon
I'm not sure. I can hear the parrot at incredible volume from time to time but nothing else. It just bellowed something about a sticky wicket.

Hydrogen Guy
Hang on, here comes Officer Krupke...

The ConPac officer was walking back towards the car with two others. As Reaper rolls down the window, he hands back the Identity Card.

ConPac Officer
Thank you, Mr. Bassington. If you wouldn't mind stepping out of the car, we'll just perform a routine search and be on our way.

Algernon and Reaper exchange glances. Hydrogen Guy looks puzzled. Algernon shrugs and gets out of the car. Reaper and Hydrogen Guy follow.

They slowly walk around the car as the officer signals the others to begin the search. Hydrogen Guy, unsure of the plan, follows Algernon and Reaper's lead. As they continue to walk nonchalantly behind the car, he notices that Algernon has a sniper rifle and the Argon Blast Cannon stuffed up under his coat, while Reaper has his scythe collapsed and hidden under his cloak.

They saunter casually along the sidewalk, away from the car, while the police go about tearing the car's interior apart. Suddenly one of the officers pulls the second sniper rifle out of the trunk and displays it to the leader.

ConPac Officer
HO!

Algernon and Reaper break into a run, Hydrogen Guy following suit. The ConPac officer signals and the rest of the patrol gather round and draw their weapons. Bullets start whistling past Hydrogen Guy's ears as they dive for cover behind some bushes.

Algernon hefts his rifle into position and passes a handgun to Reaper.

Algernon
This might be a good time to rethink your no-guns policy, fathead!

Hydrogen Guy
I'll pass, thanks!

Algernon shakes his head in disgust and passes the second handgun to Reaper. As the firefight continues to heat up, Hydrogen Guy peers through the bushes towards the Vandreskhanar-Gariepy house.

Hydrogen Guy
Algie! There's lights on in the house! It must be Deuterium Boy's signal!

Algernon
Coo! Just in fragging time, too. On my signal we'll make a break for the house!

Deuterium Boy is just about to protest this slur upon the noble name of David Marcolin when they hear the sound of the front door closing.

Vananda
It's Father!

Deuterium Boy
What?! I thought he wasn't due back until later tonight! What about his meeting?

Vananda
No, he was just handing in his resignation. He's moving up north to the Yukon Concordance next week. No need to stay for the whole thing. Quick over here!

Deuterium Boy stumbles over an ottoman as he rushes to Vananda's side. She puts an affectionate arm around him and sticks her pistol in his ribs. The parrot Galahad hisses at him.

Vananda
Keep quiet and let me do most of the talking! And no funny stuff, got it? Oh, Daddy!

A large man deep in the throes of late middle age appears in the living room. Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy looks around at what he considers his castle with a look indicating some surprise and perhaps a trace of annoyance.

Reginald
Vananda! What the blazes are you doing here? Have you seen the commotion going on down at the end of the street? And who the Gates is this?

Vananda
Daddy, I cut short my stay in Whistler because we just had to come back and tell you the news! This is David. We're engaged to be married!

Reginald
Married? David? What? What?

He looks at Deuterium Boy with alarm.

Vananda
David Marconi. He's a vice-manager for Amalgo Northwest.

This last was calculated to deliver a killing blow, and it was entirely effective. Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy was a staunch loyalist to the ConPac cause, and Amalgo Northwest was looked upon as a despicable load of godless terrorists. (Although many strong words had been uttered at the late board meeting about the detestable and inexplicable actions of BC Telus within the last 24 hours.)

Reginald
David? What sort of a name is David? My great aunt was named David. She was loony to the gills. Thought she was Queen of Potatoes. Explain yourself, young, er, man! What do you mean by becoming engaged to my daughter?

Deuterium Boy
We -- OW!

Vananda
Daddy, we are very much in love. I do hope that you do not intend to forbid our holy union. There is nothing, nothing in the world, which will tear us asunder!

If it had not been for the pistol digging into his ribs, Deuterium Boy would have made a cutting remark about over-acting. In fact, as purple as Vananda's prose may have been, it was having its intended effect. Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy was searching through his pockets for his credit chip and calculating what minimum amount might be necessary to buy off this Macaroni excrescence.

During the course of the discussion, the parrot Galahad had hopped from Vananda's shoulder to the adjacent shoulder of Deuterium Boy. He was finding Deuterium Boy's left ear an object of unbridled fascination. It looked, to his genetically-augmented avian mind, like a macaroon, and so he decided to probe the depth of its macaroon-like qualities by taking a bite. Deuterium Boy's response was to howl in pain, leap several feet in the air and swat the bird off his shoulder. Galahad flaps in the air, squawking obscenities, while Deuterium Boy returns same with vigour. Vananda quickly hides her exposed gun-hand behind her back. Her father's attention, however, is focused on the David-parrot drama unfolding before him.

Deuterium Boy
THAT'S IT! Keep that fu--, I mean fragging bird away from me, or in the name of the Cosmic Pie I'll --

Reginald
Cosmic Pie? Cosmic Pie, my dear boy?

The mind of Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy was doing a quick about face. Though this Malconny may resemble a toadstool in weight, stature, and choice of dress, and be an underling for the hated Amalgo Northwest, he had a thoroughly admirable anti-parrot attitude. Reginald's own battles with his daughter's pet were close to epic. And now this revelation that the man was a devotee to the same Cosmic Pie which had been giving Reginald's own career direction through visionary dreams...

Reginald
Am I correct in assuming, my dear Malcolm, that you are a devotee of that beneficent pastry, the Cosmic Pie?

Deuterium Boy is surprised enough to ignore Galahad, who has sulkily retreated to his perch and called him something unrepeatable.

Deuterium Boy
Of course. The Cosmic Pie says that everything will be fine. It'll all turn out in the end.

Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy beams.

Reginald
Just so. The Cosmic Pie has everything in hand. It speaks to me in my dreams.

Deuterium Boy
It's been speaking to me a great deal lately.

Reginald Vandreskhanar-Gariepy beams further. Vananda groans. Her father's pie-fixation, surprisingly common among aging Corporate robber barons, is a subject of continuing embarrassment.

Reginald
Mr. McConnaughy - David, my dear boy - perhaps I spoke harshly a moment ago. My only wish is for my daughter's happiness. I see she has made a wise choice, very wise indeed. The Great Tart has seen to it.

Deuterium Boy
Um...

Reginald
Allow me to transfer a small sum to you as a wedding gift. How's thirty terabytes?

Deuterium Boy
How about forty-five?

Reginald
Dash it. Let's say fifty. Have you a credit chip on you? No? Here, I've a spare...

Vananda groans again.

Parrot
SQUAWK! You're all a bunch of useless bloody loonies!

Reginald
Less of you, parrot. You'll soon be out on your feathered ear.. Vananda, did you break my figurine? On the piano? You've been practicing your shooting in here again, haven't you?

He fiddles with a pair of credit chips as he speaks. He is interrupted by the slamming of the front door. Three alarming figures, two carrying guns, storm into the living room.

Deuterium Boy
Great Riders of the Apocalypse! Hydrogen Guy, what's wrong?

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! Glad to see you're all right. What's all this?

Reginald
Who the Gates are you?! How dare you bring illegal weapons into my house! Vananda! What's the meaning of this?

Vananda
I - oh, shit!

Algernon
Vandreskhanar-Gariepy? What the blink-tag is he doing here?

Reaper
[awkward silence]

Reginald
I may well be in my own house whenever I please, you vagrant! Ho!

His lip curls into a sneer.

Reginald
So this is how it is, eh, MacDonald? You and your mercenary friends use my daughter to get into my house and rob me blind, is that it? And to think I was about to fork over!

He snaps the empty credit chip in half, drops it on the floor and grinds it under his heel.

Vananda
Daddy, I --

Reginald
Not a word, Vananda! You are hereby thoroughly disinherited! Consorting with crooks! Ha!

Hydrogen Guy
DB, what the ga- hell is going on here?

Deuterium Boy
Hard to explain, HG.

Parrot
SQUAWK! Crooks?! SQUAWK! You should talk, bastard!

Reginald
What? Be quite, you blasted bird!

Parrot
SQUAWK! He's been embezzling from ConPac for years! That's why he's quit the Corp and is skipping town!

Vananda
What?

Reginald
One more word from you, bird -

Parrot
Bastard! SQUAWK! All those drives in the bedroom are embezzled cash! SQUAWK! I've seen him doing it from his bedroom console!

Reginald
Why you --

He leaps for the parrot, who flutters out of reach and perches on Reaper's head. Reaper is unperturbed. Vandreskhanar-Gariepy sprawls across an ottoman, regains his balance, and rises, furious.

The others in the room can only stare, baffled by this rapid unfolding of events. All but Vananda, upon whose face a smile is sprouting.

Vananda
Is this true, Daddy?

Reginald
Yoosnit! It's all poppycock and yoosnit! The bird has it in for me!

Vananda
Possibly, Daddy, but it's an interesting proposition, isn't it? What do you think, David?

Deuterium Boy
Huh?

Vananda
I mean, we wouldn't want any of this repeated in front of ConPac security, would we?

Deuterium Boy
What? Oh..

Algernon
I say! Well said, Prosser!

Reginald
What? What do you mean?

Vananda
I mean, all these people have heard these undoubtedly scurrilous accusations, Daddy. What if somebody repeats them? I mean, suppose I were to let it slip, say to Basil? He does so enjoy hearing about Gally's antics...

Vandreskhanar-Gariepy's livid shade of red pales dramatically.

Reginald
Vananda, my dear... I, er, you wouldn't, I mean...

Just then, the front door once again opens with a slam, and seven ConPac security officers rush into the living room, guns drawn.

ConPac Officer
EVERYBODY FREEZE! Oh, Manager Vandreskhanar-Gariepy!

Reginald
Ahh!

Galahad continues preening himself on Reaper's head.

ConPac Officer
I'm sorry to intrude, Manager, but these vagrants are wanted for engaging ConPac Security Forces in Hostile Action! Oh, hullo, Vananda...

Vananda
Basil, we were just talking about you!

ConPac Officer
Er, I can't really talk now, dearest, I'm in the middle of a police action.

Vananda
One moment, Basil... Daddy, I think you were just about to give David a gift of fifty terabytes, weren't you?

Reginald
Most certainly not! Uh... er, yes, quite right, Vananda. I'll have to go to bedroom for a new credit chip. Back in a jiff.

He ducks down a hallway. Vananda looks smugly at her intended.

ConPac Officer
What's all this? Vananda, I -

Vananda
Keep quiet, Basil, just a family matter. This is David, and these - er, people - I assume are his friends.

Hydrogen Guy
Indeed. Basil, eh? Nice to meet you.

ConPac Officer
Quiet, you.

Reginald
Right, here we go...

Vandreskhanar-Gariepy returns holding up the promised credit chip. He hands it to Deuterium Boy with a pained look on his face. Algernon intercepts it, examines the denomination on the display, and grins.

Algernon
Lovely, guv'nor. No worries, your family, er, spat, will go no farther than this room. Right lads?

Hydrogen Guy
My lips are sealed.

Deuterium Boy
Never heard a thing.

Reaper
[silence]

Algernon
Now, we'll just be on our way...

ConPac Officer
Hold up there, vagrant!

Vananda
Basil, these are friends of ours.

ConPac Officer
These criminals? Vananda, they --

Vananda
And Daddy's agreed to come across with that loan for us.

Reginald
Eh?

ConPac Officer
Has he?

Reginald
I never --

Parrot
SQUAWK!

Reginald
Right ho. Er, twenty terabytes, wasn't it?

Vananda
Sixty.

Reginald
Sixty. Indeed. I'll be right back.

He slinks down the hallway once more, and a moment later produces another credit chip. Vananda grins endearingly and pockets it.

Vananda
Now, David, I think you and your friends should go. Basil and my father and I have to chat.

She looks at Basil.

ConPac Officer
Stand down, troops.

The patrol lowers its weapons. Basil looks sternly at Algernon and his team.

ConPac Officer
You lot are fortunate to have such an upstanding Citizen as Manager Vandreskhanar-Gariepy to speak for you. Consider this a warning. Do it again, and it won't go so easily for you.

Hydrogen Guy
We appreciate you leniency, officer.

ConPac Officer
Ho.

Algernon, Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Reaper file out, followed by the rest of Basil's patrol. Algernon gives Vandreskhanar-Gariepy a parting leer. As he reaches the door, Hydrogen Guy pauses.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, Ms. Prosser?

Vananda
Yes?

Hydrogen Guy
Please, whatever you do - don't become a super-villain. I think you'd be entirely too successful at it.

He leaves. Vananda, puzzled, grabs Basil and drags him into the kitchen to fix some tea and update him on the current state of affairs. Reginald shudders, then starts as he feels a pair of sharp talons on his shoulder. He glances to his left to find the parrot Galahad sitting on his shoulder.

Reginald
Ah heh heh.. er, Gally want a cracker?

Parrot
Get bent, bastard.

The parrot absorbs himself in studying his would-be benefactor's ear.

A short time later, we find Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, Reaper, and Algernon War sitting on the patio of one of North Vancouver's upscale pubs. Despite stares from its more respectable patrons, Algernon War feels very relaxed. His comrades have acquiesced to allow him to buy their drinks.

Algernon
Well, how do you like that then, what? Nothing like spreading some sweetness and light, seeing two lovers united, and making a stash in the process.

Deuterium Boy
It gave me a headache. I'll be having nightmares about parrots for weeks.

Hydrogen Guy
Buck up, DB. There's more ahead yet.

He sips his Bailey's and hot chocolate pensively.

Hydrogen Guy
Now that we've got Algie firmly on side, we still have to find and dispatch Hans-Raoul so that N will send us home.

Deuterium Boy
Do you think N will actually do what he promised?

Hydrogen Guy
Who knows. But it's our only chance right now. If he doesn't, we'll just have to settle in here.

Algernon
You lads will be more than welcome at War Homestead. I'll need a couple ranch-hands.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Algie, but we'll deal with that if it comes up. Right now our problem is: Where do we find Hans-Raoul?

Algernon
ICBC keeps their central command well-hidden. I don't know where it is, and I'm glad I don't, frankly. They give me what I would manfully call "the heebie jeebies".