Episode 19
Never Say Die Till You're Dead - Part VII
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Last Episode: The date is 2135.Through a strange encounter involving a parrot, the Diatomic Duo obtain the money necessary to hire Algernon War (descendant of their 20th century ally Chuck War) to accompany them on their Quest. This Quest entails, apparently, acting as pawns in a struggle between warring demi-gods: N on the one hand, who promises to send our heroes back to their own time in exchange for killing his adversary, and Hans-Raoul, ICBC Grand Poobah and strange traveler between realities on the other. With the help of the ever-loquacious Reaper, Hydrogen Guy, the dwarven Deuterium Boy, and Algernon War find a long-abandoned Hydrogen Duct which promises to take them to ICBC headquarters, where the final confrontation with Hans-Raoul awaits...
Author's Note: I just want everybody to know that I spelled "loquacious" right the first time through. I think this should make up for any other mistakes throughout.
The luck of the leading men has held out, and the duct is not blocked. However, it has been decades since the duct was pressurized, and gravity can only take the party so far. What follows is a long and arduous climb, lit only by hand-lamps. It is getting near dawn when they finally emerge from the duct's opposite end in what was formerly the Student Centre Rotunda at Simon Fraser University. Hydrogen Guy heaves the duct's hatch open and tumbles out onto the carpeted floor. The room is pitch black.
Hydrogen Guy
Foooo... thank God I'm out of there...
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! Help!
Hydrogen Guy sits up and shines the light behind him. Deuterium Boy, several feet wider than the last time he used the ducts, is stuck in the opening.
Hydrogen Guy
Heh heh...
Deuterium Boy
This isn't funny!
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, DB, I was just thinking of Winnie-the-Pooh... Algie, Reaper! Can you hear me? Push!
He grabs Deuterium Boy's stubby arms and pulls. After a few seconds of concerted effort and curses all around, Deuterium Boy pops free and Algernon and Reaper spill out into the open.
Deuterium Boy
Oof!
Algernon
Gar!
Reaper
[interjectory silence]
Algernon
Right, where are we now? Is this it?
Deuterium Boy
This should be the SFU Rotunda, shouldn't it?
They start scanning the room with their hand-lamps.
Hydrogen Guy
Are you sure this is ICBC's Command Complex, Reaper? Reaper? Where'd you - AAAHHH!!! JEEZ, Reaper! Make some noise when you move around, or - wear white, or something!
Reaper
[chuckling silence]
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, laugh it up, Boney M...
Algernon
The place seems still in use, at any rate.
Deuterium Boy
HG, there's a sign over here!
Two other lamps join Deuterium Boy's, making the whole sign visible.
Deuterium Boy
"ICBC Stormtrooper Lounge"
Algernon
Coo!
Suddenly a door opens and somebody switches on a light. Six surprised stormtroopers, armed and wearing full-battle armour, are standing at the door. They draw their weapons.
Stormtroopers
[in chorus] Ho!
Hydrogen Guy
Oh, shit.
Team Leader
Freeze, intruders! Drop your weapons.
Algernon
Sorry, guv, other plans.
He pulls the ancient Argon Blast Cannon from his back and blasts a pair of Stormtroopers to ions with two quick shots. Reaper leaps forward and decapitates another in a single stroke with his scythe, which has mysteriously appeared in his hand. The Team Leader fires off two rounds at Reaper, who takes them in the chest. He's slowed for just a moment, enough for the Leader to activate a personal force-field.
Hydrogen Guy
What an excellent plan. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, DB?
Deuterium Boy
I think so, HG. It's metallic hydrogen shield time!
Drawing on their diminished reserves, they extend their hydrogen influence fields and draw as much hydrogen from the air as they can and force it into a metallic shield. (Although hydrogen doesn't exist in a metallic state at normal pressures, under pressures of several million atmospheres hydrogen does become a metal. Have a look at Jupiter's core if you don't believe me.) Algernon ducks behind the shield and fires again. He misses, and the target Stormtrooper empties his weapon against the hydrogen shield. It holds, but both Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are visibly strained. An alarm klaxon goes off in the lounge and the corridor outside.
Algernon
Frag and blast, there's more on their way. How're you holding out?
Hydrogen Guy
We're visibly strained, weren't you listening? Reaper, behind us! We're open!
Four more Stormtroopers storm in through the rear door, carrying super-automatic smart rifles and pulse stun grenade launchers. Reaper meanwhile is holding back several Stormtroopers trying to force their way through the front door.
Deuterium Boy
He's busy, I'll handle it! Get ready to keep the shield up yourself!
Hydrogen Guy
Handle it how?
Deuterium Boy doesn't answer, but withdraws his deuterium power field from the shield effort. He turns and leaps towards the interlopers behind them. Instantly, he envelops himself in a fire-ball of radioactive deuterium plasma, forcing the newcomers back. They start shooting at him but the self-guiding ammunition cannot penetrate the plasma-ball.
Hydrogen Guy
Where the hell did you learn that?
Deuterium Boy
I've been wanting to try this for a while! [to Stormtroopers] In the name of the Cosmic Pie, I shall punish you!!
Meanwhile, two more troopers have come in through the front door. Algernon forces them to take cover with the Argon Blast Cannon.
Algernon
I can't believe this piece of refuse is actually holding out. GC tech is built to last, apparently!
Hydrogen Guy
Where're they all coming from??
Algernon
Team Leader's called for backup, the excrescence.
Team Leader
Surrender now!
Algernon
DEATH FIRST!!!
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, now, settle down!
Algernon
Just keep the blasted shield up!!
Weapons fire now pelts the shield in a steady rain, as seven Stormtroopers have managed to hold their position in front. Reaper has recovered and again wields his mono-planar scythe with deadly efficiency. There are now eight enemies behind them as well, being kept at bay by Deuterium Boy's plasma ball.
Deuterium Boy
I'm not sure how long I can keep this up!
Hydrogen Guy
Ditto. [to Algernon] Can you and Reaper finish them all off?
Algernon
Not with a half-empty plasma cannon I can't. And they've gotten between us and Reaper now... I'm afraid none of us are strategists.
Hydrogen Guy suddenly remembers the pistol he took from the Telus guard the previous morning. He tosses it to Algernon, who regards it with disdain.
Hydrogen Guy
Here!
Algernon
What am I supposed to do with this, annoy them? Give them a little rash underneath that body armour?
Three Stormtroopers with electric whips have cornered Reaper. With a last mighty slash, he kills one, but exposes himself to the others' whips. They strike him with the whips at full power, and he falls to the ground. One throws down the whip, pulls out something resembling a fire extinguisher, and sprays him with a fast-bonding super-glue, immobilizing him.
Hydrogen Guy
Reaper!
Algernon
Augh! Gates blast it!
Hydrogen Guy
What?!
Algernon
Your precious GC technology just shorted out. Seems our luck is running out, old byte.
Hydrogen Guy
Well, do something. I can't keep this up, this shield's coming down in about thirty seconds.
Deuterium Boy
You two run for it!! Get to Hans-Raoul! I'll distract them!!
Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy --
With a final burst of effort, Deuterium Boy expands the fireball to fill the room. The plasma is weak, but it burns through the stormtrooper's personal shields and definitely distracts them. Hydrogen Guy throws his remaining shield around Algernon and himself, and they dash through the ranks and out the front door before their opponents notice. Once outside in the corridor, Hydrogen Guy's shield collapses, and they run like hell.
There is a sudden explosion in the rotunda, and then the Stormtroopers start pouring out after them. Hydrogen Guy stops and looks back in alarm.
Algernon
Keep running!
Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy -- !
Algernon
Worry about them later - if they were lucky it was just a stun-pulse grenade. Keep going, we still might reach Hans-Raoul and catch up with them later.
Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, Algie --
Hydrogen Guy pauses and considers his options. His powers are drained, and he's unarmed except for a hand-lamp and some bits of wire. His odds against the Stormtroopers are dismal.
Algernon
Fathead! You're wasting time!
Hydrogen Guy looks back. The Stormtrooper are gaining.
Hydrogen Guy
Fine!
They continue running.
The Stormtroopers chase them deeper into the complex, through endless identical grey-metal corridors. It seems like hours before the sounds of pursuing gunfire fade into the distance. Finally Hydrogen Guy stops and collapses on the floor, exhausted. His consciousness wavers in and out for a few seconds as he sits on the ground breathing frantically. He mumbles a curse and forces himself back to his surroundings.
Hydrogen Guy
Algie... you okay... Algie? Algernon!
He looks around in alarm - his companion is nowhere to be seen. He staggers to his feet and walks back the way he came. There is no sign of Algernon War anywhere in sight. He must, thinks Hydrogen Guy, have gotten lost somewhere in the chase, but where? And was searching for him, or Deuterium Boy, an option this deep in enemy territory?
His decision is made much easier by a sudden cold, cylindrical pressure at the back of his head.
Hans-Raoul
It's an old analog .38. In your present condition I don't think there's any trick you could pull on it that'd be effective before I pull the trigger.
Hydrogen Guy
Hans-Raoul Galerkin, I presume.
Hans-Raoul
Don't turn around. Just Hans-Raoul is fine, Galerkin is one of my middle names that I frequently use as an alias on business.
Hydrogen Guy
Are you going to shoot me?
Hans-Raoul
I should. But I want us to have a chat first.
Hydrogen Guy
Where you tell me all of your fiendish plans before killing me in an elaborate manner?
Hans-Raoul
No, where I ask you questions and you answer them. If you decide not to answer them, I'll kill you and ask Deuterium Boy. If he won't answer them, I'll torture him until he does. I don't like torture but I'm fairly good at it. Do you want to talk with me or should I shoot you?
Hydrogen Guy
I'll decide when I hear your questions.
Hans-Raoul
Mr. Evans, I've always respected your intelligence. Turn around now.
He steps back, keeping the gun trained on Hydrogen Guy's head. Hydrogen Guy turns around.
Hans-Raoul
You're a lot younger than the last time I killed you.
Hydrogen Guy
You shouldn't kill me then, you'd mess up the time-line.
Hans-Raoul
To hell with the time-line.
He mutters an incantation and an aura of yellow energy surrounds Hydrogen Guy.
Hans-Raoul
I've neutralized whatever powers you have left. You can't hurt me. I can hurt you. Remember that as you follow my directions.
He prods and directs Hydrogen Guy down the corridor. After a few minutes they come the Control Room. The door slides open and they enter. Hydrogen Guy gazes at the Chaos Orb in the centre of the room in amazement.
Hydrogen Guy
What... is that?
Hans-Raoul
A very useful tool. No - more than a tool. But it isn't your concern.
He gestures for Hydrogen Guy to sit.
Hans-Raoul
Your friends are in custody. They're unharmed for now.
Hydrogen Guy
That's nice to hear.
Hans-Raoul
Now... Hydrogen Guy. You must be from the past sometime. Is that correct? When?
Hydrogen Guy
The late twentieth century.
Hans-Raoul
More precisely.
Hydrogen Guy
You want an exact date?
Hans-Raoul
It's very important.
Hydrogen Guy
Er, ... April 10th, 199-.
Hans-Raoul
Really. That's interesting - the day I arrived in North America. How did you get here? Some sort of time machine? An accident?
Hydrogen Guy
I think it was an accident. It was a crazy old wizard who brought us.
Hans-Raoul
A wizard? What did he look like? What name did he give you?
Hydrogen Guy tries to recall. He tries to call the wizard's face to mind, but fails - the memory remains elusively just out of reach.
Hydrogen Guy
I - I don't remember. His name was a letter of the alphabet.
Hans-Raoul
Tell me, dammit!
Hydrogen Guy
I don't know! The memory is gone, all right? I've had a rough couple of days here!
Hans-Raoul
Be thankful I wanted to kill you myself or you wouldn't even be HERE right now! Now TELL ME about the wizard!
Hydrogen Guy
Buddy, you're starting to piss me off. I've told you the entire truth so far, as far as I know it. I'll even tell you more.... Somebody .. damn, I can't remember their name either... somebody connected with ConPac and this wizard promised me that if I kill you, they'll send us back to our own time. That's the only reason I'm here.
Hans-Raoul
Concord Pacific? That's interesting. Oh, I should thank you, Hydrogen Guy. Your group has been a useful pawn to me - a few hours ago, ConPac and Telus began open hostilities - over Telus's attacks on the neutral Pizza Kremlin and a coffee shop near ConPac headquarters. The Corporates are at war, and it's going to be a long one. I've been setting this up for years and you provided the Archduke Ferdinand I needed.
Hydrogen Guy
See, you owe me one. Look, HR, we know you're not from around here. I'm willing to forget about this whole "killing you" thing if you were to just send us back yourself.
Hans-Raoul grins.
Hans-Raoul
Sorry, HG, I can't do that. I travel through realities, not time. And as tempting as sending you and Deuterium Boy to some certainly fatal backwater reality is, I know you'd just turn up again like a bad capacitor.
Hydrogen Guy
Then at least give me a chance to defend myself.
He looks pointedly at the gun in Hans-Raoul's hand.
Hydrogen Guy
Beat me, and I'll even tell you what you want to know about the wizard and his friend.
Hans-Raoul
Are you challenging me to some kind of duel?
Hydrogen Guy
It's the only card I have left, HR.
Hans-Raoul shrugs, uncocks the gun and puts it down on the table beside him.
Hans-Raoul
Fair enough, Hydrogen Guy. There is no such thing as a fair fight against me. I could crush you like a bug even when you're at full power.
Hydrogen Guy
But surely you have weaknesses?
Hans-Raoul
No, I don't.
A smirk slowly spreads across Hans-Raoul's face.
Hans-Raoul
I'll humour you, though. Come over here.
He walks over to a cabinet on the other side of the room. Hydrogen Guy follows.
Hans-Raoul
In my time on Earth it's been practical for me to collect what few artifacts of power are native to your world. Some, of course are irretrievable... Enrico Fermi's Protractor, for instance, is lost forever in mystic ether; or the original Inflatable Dyson Sphere, which I believe you fed to a polar bear in the Moscow Zoo. But my collection is still pretty good...
He takes a key from his breast pocket and unlocks the upper half of the cabinet. Hydrogen Guy suppresses a gasp of shock. Inside the cabinet, among a collection of strange objects is an ancient, dirt-encrusted wooden ruler, forty centimeters long.
Hans-Raoul
I can tell by your face you recognize it. It spent some time at the bottom of the River Pitt, until it was dredged up as a symbol of the new Republic of Maple Ridge. I captured it personally, lifting it from the Presidential Offices while the Ridgean guards were drunk on cheap Albertan beer.
Hydrogen Guy reaches out and takes the Ruler of Elendil from the cabinet. As he grasps it, it glows with a pale blue light, and the dirt falls away.
Hans-Raoul
My. Isn't that poetic.
Hydrogen Guy
Not really. It's all in the wrist.
Hans-Raoul shuts the upper half and opens the lower half of the cabinet. He takes a long case from the cabinet, opens it, and withdraws a rapier, its blade inscribed with strange runes. He utters a few words in an unknown language, and the runes flare a brilliant white, then fade. He speaks other words, and the yellow nimbus suppressing Hydrogen Guy's powers vanishes.
He walks to an open area of the room, away from the Orb and the numerous computer workstations. Hydrogen Guy follows, stopping about six feet away from Hans-Raoul. Hans-Raoul raises his sword and bows deeply; Hydrogen Guy returns the gesture, sensing this is custom in whatever plane Hans-Raoul comes from.
Hans-Raoul
All right, Hydrogen Guy. Here's your chance. En garde!
The opponents drop into the guard position. They circle one another warily. Hans-Raoul attacks first, slashing randomly at Hydrogen Guy, forcing him to parry and retreat at once. Hydrogen Guy lunges, breaking his enemy's rhythm and forcing him into defensive mode. Hydrogen Guy launches into a sequence of rapid attacks that Doug had taught him as the Rugen Offense, designed to disorient one's opponent and trap him into making a mistake. Hans-Raoul frustrates his plan with the countering Montoya Defense, leading Hydrogen Guy forward and using his own motion against him.
Hydrogen Guy's arm aches from the shock each time their two blades collide. Hans-Raoul is amazingly strong, despite his less than robust appearance. He's glad he doesn't have to fight a better conditioned member of Hans-Raoul's realm.
Hans-Raoul lunges, and Hydrogen Guy barely parries in time. Both opponents are knocked nearly off balance. Hydrogen Guy shifts his weight as fast as possible and gives Hans-Raoul a great heave. Hans-Raoul falls, rolls and is back on his feet in less than a heartbeat.
Hans-Raoul
Your atomic speed is less of an advantage here, Hydrogen Guy. I am your physical superior. And I know better tricks.
He barks another strange word and a ball of white fire appears in his hand. He hurls it at Hydrogen Guy. Hydrogen Guy swings the Ruler of Elendil with the same wicked backhand that drives Chuck War to distraction in badminton, and bats the fireball back to Hans-Raoul. Hans-Raoul knocks it back again with his own blade, the runes upon it flaring brightly. They continue this impromptu racquet sport for some minutes, before Hans-Raoul speaks again and a shower of the fireballs rain down on Hydrogen Guy from the walls and ceiling. Hydrogen Guy hits the floor, bringing his cape up for cover. This puts him in an unfortunate position for Hans-Raoul to kick him in the head.
The blow literally lifts Hydrogen Guy off the ground and flings him back against a computer console. He fights desperately to remain conscious, winning the battle microseconds before Hans-Raoul splits open his sternum. He tumbles out of the way and Hans-Raoul's sword glances off the console, in a shower of sparks not electrical or mundane in origin. Another powerful punch knocks Hydrogen Guy across the room again, this time landing him up against the Chaos Orb and it's attendant devices. The world goes black, and the taste of blood overwhelms him. Things feel oddly out of place inside him.
His vision clears. He looks up and Hans-Raoul is standing over him.
Hans-Raoul
Well fought, Hydrogen Guy. But I'm ready to end this.
Hydrogen Guy
Sur.. surrendering, are you?
Hans-Raoul
Don't joke. Save your strength. Tell me about the wizard and his connection at ConPac.
Hydrogen Guy
Shove it.
Hans-Raoul
Fine. Make Deuterium Boy's life painful. You know, Hydrogen Guy, I killed your predecessor. The last Hydrogen Elemental of the Ancient Republic. That was two million years ago in this reality. He didn't fight half as well as you.
Hydrogen Guy
Wha...t are you talking...
Hans-Raoul
I regretted doing it, but it was a necessary evil. Just like what I'm doing to your world. You are almost - almost - intelligent enough to understand why I have to do this. It's a shame. Anyway. The last time I had you killed I didn't do it myself, which was a mistake. This time I'm making no mistakes.
Hydrogen Guy
Will you... shut... up? I thought I... was supposed to be the one who was... raving.
Hans-Raoul
Sorry. I'm trying to show you some respect.
He shrugs. He raises his sword for the killing stroke.
Hans-Raoul
The twenty-first century's greatest non-sequiter. Time to die, Hydrogen Guy.
Hydrogen Guy
Never say die till you're dead, Hans-Raoul.
Hydrogen Guy twists rapidly around, and with all his strength plunges the Ruler of Elendil into the Chaos Orb behind him. He had identified it as Hans-Raoul's weakness shortly after they entered the room.
The Ruler splinters into pieces as it pierces the Orb's gel-like surface. Instantly a massive spider web of cracks spreads across the Orb's face. The cracks widen with a horrible, world-shaking shriek. Hans-Raul screams above the sound of destruction.
Hans-Raoul
You fool! You... you... DINK! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! IT'S THE END OF ABSOLUTELY EVERY-
Hans-Raoul is unable to complete his sentence, for at that moment, in what is to be the last moment ever, every strand in the fabric of space and time unravels. The Universe itself begins to dissolve. Matter flies apart, energy becomes meaningless, causality becomes just another media buzz-word. Our heroes, their friends and enemies, every sentient being and rock and planet and star and unnamed presence and gas molecule in the cold void between galaxies and even the cold void itself bleeds away and ceases to exist, as the Orb which had become such an integral part of reality dies.
The Universe ends. Everything is gone.