The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle - Part II

Last Episode: Galactic Customs agent Chuck War interrupts an exchange between alien smugglers and the mysterious Hans Dürchfall. The alien Rhum Til gives Hans a device called a "field cell", amidst warnings of its dangerous nature. The next day, scientists Jim Evans and David Marcolin meet with their colleague Ken Bolus, who has discovered a disturbing effect: several atoms have violated the exclusion principle, a fundamental rule of quantum mechanics which prevents electrons in an atom from occupying the same quantum states. Evans suspects this apparently impossible breakdown of matter is due to Foul Play - it looks like a job for Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy!

Deep beneath the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics is the ultra-secret Hydrogen Cave, the Diatomic Duo's high-tech command centre. The main chamber of the Cave is roughly octagonal in shape, with a very high, lofty ceiling. One complete wall of the Cave is taken up by an enormous vault door. The centre of the chamber is filled with banks of complex computer equipment, monitors, panels covered in blinking lights, and other obscure bits of machinery. There is a small kitchen in one corner, and next to it a lounge sort of area with comfortable leather couches and easy chairs, and some artistically modern coffee tables and lamps. There are several smaller passages leading off the main chamber, including one near the lounge.

Two sets of elevator doors are set in a part of the Cave opposite the vault. A light blinks on above one pair, and a second later the doors whoosh open and Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy bound out.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy, set the Scan-O-Matics^TM to search for any more collapsing atoms, and try to get the mainframe on-line. I need to find Doug!

He starts dashing around the room, rummaging through the Cave. He comes to a bank of TV monitors, depicting scenes from across the city (including the lunchtime review at "The Wild Duck Inn"). In front of the monitors is a swivel chair, with its back towards him. He grabs the back of the chair and turns it sharply. Sitting in it is a two-foot high rubber skeleton, its skull slumped forward onto its ribcage.

Hydrogen Guy
Doug! There you are. I need to speak with you. Doug! Can you here me in there? Oh, Do-ug...

There is a *spooky sound effect* -- the rubber skeleton is now channeling the spirit of an alien Zen master and astrophysicist, mentor to Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy! Doug speaks...

Doug
I HEAR YOU, SEEKER OF TRUTH.

Hydrogen Guy
Doug, Pauli's exclusion principle has been violated. Ken Bolus upstairs has found several atoms that have collapsed into some kind of inert matter. I suspect Foul Play. What can you tell me?

Doug
MUCH. AND LITTLE.

Hydrogen Guy
Do you know why this is happening? What's behind it?

Doug
THIS VIOLATION IS NOT NATURE. DARK FORCES HIDE THE LIGHT OF GOODNESS FROM THE SPARROW'S EYES.

Hydrogen Guy
So it is a Nefarious Plot! Sometimes paranoia pays off. Who's responsible for the exclusion violation, Doug? Do you know?

Doug
IT IS A WISE MAN WHO KNOWS HE KNOWS NOTHING.

Hydrogen Guy
Doug, I need answers! Who? Who is it?

Doug
THIS IS FROM THE MASTER SOCRATES, WHO SAID ALSO...

Hydrogen Guy
AAGH! NO, Doug, not the philosophy, the CONSPIRACY! WHO'S BEHIND THE CONSPIRACY!!!

Deuterium Boy
Sometimes I think it'd be easier if we just used a Ouija board.

Doug
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME STILL SMELL AS SWEET
BUT A DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THESE PETALS, AND THEY ARE BITTER
SEEK THE EAST, WHERE MP'S DRAW THEIR PENSIONS

Hydrogen Guy
Doug - you don't mean ... the Black Rose?

But the oracle is silent!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Zen Patriarchs, Hydrogen Guy! The Black Rose?

Hydrogen Guy
Indeed. The Hydrogen Crime Computer up?

Deuterium Boy
[checking a panel] Err.. for now.

Hydrogen Guy
Computer!

Computer
Working

Hydrogen Guy
Request information from the Super Villains file. Subject: the Black Rose.

Computer
Jean-Marc Trudeau, alias "the Black Rose", alias "The Marquis de Hull", evil twin brother of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, top agent for the International Criminal Brotherhood of Canada.

Deuterium Boy
ICBC!

Computer
Last known location: Ottawa, Ontario. Biographical data...

Hydrogen Guy
Thank you, computer. [to Deuterium Boy] The Black Rose, Deuterium Boy.. a dangerous rogue indeed. Methinks this is no great coincidence that the Right Dishonourable Jean-Marc Trudeau should try to destroy the Universe on the eve of the Oromocto Conference.

Deuterium Boy
Holy Obscure Maritime Cities, Hydrogen Guy! The what conference?

Hydrogen Guy
Oromocto, New Brunswick, as it were. The Prime Minister and the thirteen provincial and territorial leaders are meeting there tonight to put the finishing touches on a new Constitutional Accord. There's great hope for an agreement.

Deuterium Boy
... yeah, and pions'll fly out of my butt.

Hydrogen Guy
We must do what we can for National Unity, Deuterium Boy! Not to mention the rest of the Universe.

*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

Deuterium Boy goes over to a nearby bank of instruments.

Deuterium Boy
The Scan-O-Matic^TM has found a lot more atoms collapsing from exclusion violation - up to one part in 10²⁰ in all local matter!

Hydrogen Guy
That's millions of atoms! Whatever this effect is, DB, it's growing. It must be stopped before it's...

Both
Too Late!!!

Hydrogen Guy
We have to find the Black Rose!

Deuterium Boy
Yes, HG, but where? In Ottawa?

Hydrogen Guy
Doug?

Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
I see. Well, it's our best lead. There's no time to lose, DB! But first I'll need some special weaponry...

He leaves Doug and walks to the Vault - the Vault of Dangerous Things! He presses his palm against the seemingly featureless Vault door, and a hidden laser scans his palm print. A secret panel slides open, revealing a keypad. He enters the 15-digit randomized access code. A slot appears, into which he inserts a special digitized access card (which to the untrained eye looks like a "Panagopolos Pizza" business card). In the center of the door, another hidden panel opens to reveal a massive combination lock. With Deuterium Boy's help, he twirls the combination. Giant gears rumble to life inside the rock as the Vault door lurches open. Behind the Vault doors is a pair of sliding metal doors and small chamber filled with ultra-sensitive laser motion sensors. As Hydrogen Guy does the hokey-pokey and turns himself around, the sensors scan his movements and recognize the Special Access Dance (because that's what it's all about). The sliding doors slide open (thus earning their name), and he enters a dark room.

In the center of the room is an illuminated pedestal bearing a nuclear-blast proof glass case. Inside the case is a battered-looking 40-cm wooden ruler on a satin pillow. He opens the glass case and reverently withdraws the ruler.

Hydrogen Guy
The Ruler of Elendil... forged in the 17th century by Blaise Pascal, used by Charles Babbage to build his Analytical Engine, carried by Albert Einstein to Manhattan and then to Los Alamos by Richard Feynman. The most powerful relic in the Western World. It glows with a fierce blue light at the approach of Evil... and can only be wielded by the pure of heart and strong of mind. Saved my ass on a few physics finals, too.

He slides the Ruler into a platinum sheath on his belt, turns, and leaves the Vault. The mighty Vault door swings shut behind him as he rejoins Deuterium Boy in the main chamber.

Hydrogen Guy
Time is of the essence, Deuterium Boy! To the de Broglie Boards!

Deuterium Boy
Right!

They dash to a cabinet against an opposite wall. (When decorating the Cave, the Diatomic Duo chose a layout that was stylish, functional, and allowed a great deal of heroic dashing.) Deuterium Boy flings open the cabinet doors and pulls out two long, flat objects. They look like surfboards, but with some kind of strange array of gizmos wired into them. The boards are colour-coordinated with their costumes, for a truly garish effect. These are the de Broglie boards, based on long-forgotten designs by quantum big kahuna Maurice de Broglie. The boards allow their riders to surf on the quantum mechanical matter waves at speeds just below that of light.

Comic book physics is great, isn't it?

Hydrogen Guy
[climbing on his board] Mount up, DB! Set your phase fibrillator to 4000 nanometers!

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! So high?

Hydrogen Guy
Dangerous times call for dangerous actions, Deuterium Boy - engage!

Simultaneously the kick-start their boards' de Broglie drives, and with a brief power-cycling whine and a very impressive visual effect, they vanish!

Exterior Shot: a field of wheat. Lots and lots of wheat, we're talking nothing else for miles around. Towards the west, a figure appears on the horizon. As he draws nearer, we see it is Chuck War. Meanwhile, another figure has appeared on the opposite horizon. It is a man with voluminous hair, dark glasses and a black trench coat.

They approach each other in the middle (from our view) of the field. They stop about five meters from each other.

Chuck War
Druid?

Druid
That's me. You alone?

Chuck War glances around at the wheat and grimaces.

Chuck War
What do you think?

Druid
No, I mean it: are you alone?

Chuck War
Of course I'm alone! There's nobody here but you, me, and wheat!!

Druid
This is serious business, I have to ask that question.

Chuck War
Why, is it in the anonymous sources' handbook or something?

Druid
I'm only thinking of your security and mine. Mostly mine.

Chuck War
Let's just get on with it. You have the information I need?

Druid steps forward and pulls a beige file folder from his coat.

Druid
Right here.

He hands it to Chuck War.

Druid
Everything you need to crack the Conspiracy wide open. Photos of the guerrilla teams training, submarine blueprints, names, dates and locations of meeting places, lists of magazine subscriptions, phone numbers, Nielson ratings...

Chuck War
What? What is all this? Who's "The Pipe-Smoking Man"?

Druid looks at the folder and quickly snatches it back.

Druid
Whoops, sorry. That's for the bagel guy. Uh... what was it you wanted again?

Chuck War
The dossier on the guy I described to you. The one you put in contact with the field mage Rhum Til.

Druid
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Uh.. here we go. [pulls a green file folder from his coat] "Hans Dürchfall", born in Salzburg, Austria. Class 7 covert agent for ICBC. I got photos, fingerprints, credit card receipts... uh....

He is glancing around distractedly.

Chuck War
What's wrong?

Druid
It's just... I.. I didn't really notice before, this is a lotta wheat.

Chuck War
Yeah.

Druid
I mean it, this is really a whole lotta wheat.

Chuck War
It is a lotta wheat.

Druid
What d'you suppose they do with all this wheat?

Chuck War
Most of it goes to California.

Druid
I thought they got all their wheat from Nebraska or Kansas or something.

Chuck War
No, most of the domestically produced grain goes overseas, and then the U.S. buys what it uses from Canada.

Druid
Then where do we get our wheat?

Chuck War
All over. Listen, where can I find this Dürchfall?

Druid
He's got a pad in Ottawa he stays at when he's working for... when he's working. Gladstone avenue. There's a photo clipped to a copy of his lease agreement - page five. He, uh ... may be expecting you.

Chuck War
[glares] Thanks. Remind me again why I don't bust a napalm slug in you ass and haul you in?

Druid
I know about Amelia's rhinoceros.

War glares at him. Exactly the sort of glare guys in Druid's business deserve.

Chuck War
Anything else you have to say?

Druid
The truth is out there, dude.

Chuck War
No, I mean really.

Druid
[glances around] Sure is a lotta wheat, isn't it?

He pushes the folder into War's hands, turns and walks away. War watches after him for about a minute, then turns and leaves.

Mere microseconds after leaving the Hydrogen Cave, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy appear in Ottawa, on Parliament Hill, with another impressive visual effect. A statue of Diefenbaker looks on disapprovingly.

Deuterium Boy
Jeez, HG, talk about neutrino traffic! That trip took us twelve whole microseconds!

Hydrogen Guy
I know, I know.. something's gotta be done about that cosmic string in Manitoba. Bike racks?

Deuterium Boy
Over there.

They pull out bicycle U locks and head for the racks. After securing the boards, they ponder their next move.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm pondering our next move, DB.

Deuterium Boy
We should...

*breeeeeep!* * breeeeeep!*

Deuterium Boy pulls his cellular phone from his Useful Things Belt. After a brief conversation, he closes it and turns to Hydrogen Guy.

Deuterium Boy
That was Ken Bolus back at the Institute.

Hydrogen Guy
And?

Deuterium Boy
All his samples showed the same collapsed atoms as the first. What's worse, reports are coming in from labs across the globe. They've all come to the same conclusions we have.

Hydrogen Guy
The exclusion principle is breaking down.

Deuterium Boy
Right. A few labs are even reporting computer failures due to their silicon chips going inert.

Hydrogen Guy
Oog. We've got to move fast, DB. The game is afoot. We have to find the Black Rose!

Can Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stop the Black Rose before it's...too late? Will the Universe be saved? Tune in to Part 3 of...

The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle!!
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!