An empty television studio. A lit white backdrop is surrounded on three sides by abandoned cameras, microphones, cables, etc. Hydrogen Guy walks casually in from stage left.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello! I'm Hydrogen Guy, and I'd like to welcome you to our Twentieth Anniversary Special. Wow, can you believe it's been twenty episodes already? It seems like only yesterday that -

Deuterium Boy rushes in from stage right, waving his arms frantically.

Deuterium Boy
Hold it! Hang on a second!

Hydrogen Guy
Uh... Hi, DB... Y'know, you did exactly --

Deuterium Boy
What the hell do you think you're doing?

Hydrogen Guy
I --

Deuterium Boy
Do you remember what you said last time we did a lame anniversary special?

Hydrogen Guy
Uh... that it was a great idea?

Deuterium Boy
I asked, "You're not going to do this every ten episodes, are you?", and you said, "May weasels maul my genitals if I do".

Hydrogen Guy
Uh oh.

Deuterium Boy
ROB! Release the weasels!

Hydrogen Guy
AAAGGH!!

...And In the Middle Lies Danger!

Daybreak in the Metropolis of Maple Ridge! And it's another news-worthy day at the nationally acclaimed daily, the Maple Ridge Beacon! Here we find editor-in-chief, Tom "Mad Dog" Binkerson, engaged in inspecting copy in a cluttered office away from the bustle of the news-room proper. What's the scoop this morning, Mad Dog?

Binkerson
The Prime Minister is redecorating his study at 24 Sussex with a bear-skin and antlers motif. One of Rita MacNeil's choir singers is suing her for sexual harassment. Editorial on the Mayor's five unpaid parking tickets...

Ooh, Parkinggate!

Binkerson
... and in the "Style" section we got a three page spread on the new "wing tips" craze among the clergy.

Slow day?

Binkerson
Slower than hell. We've got a new investigative reporter starting this morning, maybe she'll stir things up a little.

Here she comes now, in fact... Binkerson's office door opens and a statuesque blonde woman in a fetching business suit enters the room. Her steely gaze takes in the cluttered office and sizes it up, and its occupant, accordingly. Her name is Lola Lakefront-Property. She's an investigative reporter.

Binkerson
Lola, welcome to the Beacon. I guess Conner's showed you around, so let's get to work. I need you to find out what the Mayor got those parking tickets for - parking in the handicapped zone, double-parking, nude parallel parking...

Lola
Yeah, Chief, about that "Parkinggate" thing... don't you think it's just a little... tame? Mundane? Maybe even out and out lame?

Binkerson
What are you sa'in'?

Lola
It's just more of the same, you see it again and again. It's a bit of a pain.

Binkerson
Will you stop talking in rhyme?! I'm going out of my mind.

Lola
Anytime.

Binkerson
So you got something bigger than parking tickets? I'm willing to entertain suggestions.

Lola
Hydrogen Guy.

Binkerson
What about'im?

Lola
Who is he, really? What's he really after? What dark secrets lie behind the mask and the little beanie?

Binkerson
Mm-hm. Yeah. Well...

Lola
I've noticed this paper tends to be a bit soft on him.

Binkerson
Get this through your little blonde bouffant, lady -- this paper ain't soft on nobody. If we give Hydrogen Guy good press, it's cause he does a lot of good for the city.

Lola
First of all, this ain't a bouffant, baldie. Second of all -- even when he leveled the Leisure Center in a battle with alien cyborg assassins?

Binkerson
I wrote a real forceful editorial about that. Didn't pull any punches.

Lola
I think you used the phrase "What's a couple million in damages when the fate of the Universe is at stake?".

Binkerson
It's a good point.

Lola
C'mon, Chief...

Binkerson
Besides, the public is very pro-super-hero right now. Positive stories about the Diatomic Duo sell papers. That's the bottom line.

Lola
Of course it sells papers, the public's curious! Don't you think an in-depth exposé would sell a lot of papers?

Binkerson
Yeah, maybe... but there might be a backlash...

Lola
Sure you're just not afraid of him?

Binkerson
Hey!

Lola
Well, think about it! You should be! He's as much a violent, unstable nut-bar as half these loonies he's fighting! The only reason he seems to be protecting the city is that for some reason, it's in his own interest, and for all we know that could change at any time. And even the government admits that the whole superhero/supervillain contest isn't so much a battle between good and evil as it is a turf war...

Binkerson
Yeah yeah yeah... all that's been said before, and right now the public's just ain't interested. It's the whole right wing-vengeful justice mentality.

Lola
Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say he is one of the good guys. How effective is he? When was the last time one of his escapades actually resulted in a conviction? And if you really look at the evidence, a good part of the time we only have his word or that he actually saved the Universe. The truth is, Chief, nobody knows! If that's not crying out "Big Ass Story", I don't know what is!

Binkerson
Fine, fine, fine! Lola, if you can get the kinda story you're talking about, I'll give you the front page. You start digging around, I'll call his people and try to set up an interview.

Lola
He's got people?

Suddenly, the office door bursts open! Conner the Office Boy rushes in, his cheeks flushed with journalistic fervour.

Conner
Hey Chief, there's an office supply truck that's been hijacked off Highway 1! And we got word that the Tritium Truck's heading for the scene!

Lola
I'm on it!

She pushes past Conner and out of Binkerson's office.

Binkerson
Take a photographer! AND DON'T SPEND MORE THAN TWENTY BUCKS ON LUNCH!

A lonely stretch of highway just west of Abbotsford. An overturned semi-trailer lies sprawled on the grassy median between the east and west-bound lanes. RCMP, local police, and tow-trucks are swarming around the area, lights flashing. Suddenly, an extra set of flashing lights signal the arrival of the Tritium Truck, Deuterium Boy's bright red sport-utility vehicle of Justice. The Truck pulls to a stop, and the Covalent Crusaders leap out, brimming with heroic vigour.

Deuterium Boy
Zikes and Zoroastrian Ziggurats, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Well put, Deuterium Boy. Quite the mess we have here. Sergeant Sergeanskivanoroffski!

Sergeanskivanoroffski
Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy! Top o' the morning. Thanks for coming by. I thought you fellows might find this interesting.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, just for the opportunity to rubber-neck, if nothing else. I don't think even Chuck War's done that to a semi-trailer.

Deuterium Boy
What happened?

Sergeanskivanoroffski
I have it meticulously recorded here right in front of me... Item 1: At approximately 9:00 AM, Vancouver time, a semi-trailer left the Grand & Toy warehouse in Abbotsford bound for the Burnaby retail outlet. Item 2: Between 9:25 and 9:31 AM we received five calls from commuters traveling along Highway #1 who were in the process of witnessing unknown persons commandeering the truck.

Hydrogen Guy "In the process of witnessing..." The truck was moving while it was being hijacked?

Sergeanskivanoroffski
Item 3: The truck had been accosted on either side by a pair of hovercraft, of unknown make and registry.

Deuterium Boy
Holy hovercraft hijackings, Hydrogen Guy!

Sergeanskivanoroffski
Item 4: The truck was found at it's present location at 10:15 AM by Canada Post employees during their routine activity of dumping several bags of incorrectly addressed mail into the river. The driver was found unconscious, drugged but otherwise uninjured. Item 5: The truck was completely empty.

Hydrogen Guy
What was on the truck?

Sergeanskivanoroffski
About a quarter of a million in office supplies. Two hundred thousand Post-Its, a hundred thousand HB pencils, a couple hundred rolls of fax paper, 1.5 million rubber bands, the list goes on. As I say, about 250 grand, street.

Hydrogen Guy
Curiouser and curiouser. Thoughts, DB?

Deuterium Boy
It smells suspiciously like ICBC, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
That it does... however, ICBC hovercraft would've had their license and registrations clearly displayed. Perhaps a rogue agent, in business for himself?

Deuterium Boy
He'd have to have been pretty high up in the organization to get a pair of hovercraft.

Hydrogen Guy
Corruption, Deuterium Boy. It's like a festering sore on the lip of the province.

Sergeanskivanoroffski
The lip of the province... Nanaimo, right?

Deuterium Boy
Uh oh... don't look now, HG. Here comes the press.

A bushy-bearded photographer loaded with flash-bulbs scampers past, taking pictures of the overturned truck, the police, Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, the Tritium Truck, a passing sea gull. Lola Lakefront-Property is close on his heels.

Lola
Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy! Lola Lakefront-Property, Maple Ridge Beacon. What's happened here? Are you co-operating with the police on this matter? How do you like you toast in the morning, buttered? With jam, honey, marmalade? Or do you prefer bagels? Cereal?

Hydrogen Guy
Ms. Lakefront-Property, you're very annoying.

Lola
I'm the media, it's my job.

Deuterium Boy
And ours is saving the province from Evil, so if you'll excuse us...

Lola
Deuterium Boy, why are you referred to as "Boy" when sources say you are three months older than Hydrogen Guy?

Deuterium Boy
No comment.

Hydrogen Guy
Look, Ms. Lakefront-Property, we have a situation here which could be the work of Evil Forces. Several million paper clips have fallen into the wrong hands and there were hovercraft involved.

Lola
"Evil Forces", Hydrogen Guy? What would "Evil Forces" want with a truck-load of office supplies?

Deuterium Boy
Something utterly nefarious, no doubt.

Lola
No doubt. Sergeant... Sergeanskivanoroffski, is it? How do you spell that?

Sergeanskivanoroffski
Like it sounds.

Lola
Do you agree with Hydrogen Guy that this theft is the work of Evil Forces with nefarious schemes? Couldn't this be just a hijacking by particularly brazen black marketeers?

Sergeanskivanoroffski
Well, of course, that's actually a very strong possibility. There are some particular features of the incident which I thought the Diatomic Duo might find interesting. I have all the relevant facts meticulously recorded here in point form...

Policeman
Sergeant! We found something!

The truck has been tipped back up onto its wheels with the use of a crane and a deluxe-sized tow-truck. Sergeanskivanoroffski et al. stride briskly over to where the policeman stands, next to where the truck had lain on it's side. He points at a peculiar sodden shape with his foot.

Policeman
We found it when we moved the truck...

Sergeanskivanoroffski
What is it, exactly?

Deuterium Boy
My God, it's a strudel!

Hydrogen Guy
Actually, Deuterium Boy, I think it's more of a torte. Admittedly, it's hard to tell, now. Is there any left on the side of the truck?

Policeman
A bit of squashed pastry and some traces of filling.

Hydrogen Guy
I'd be careful to preserve it, if I were you.

Sergeanskivanoroffski
You think it's important to the case?

Hydrogen Guy
Quite likely.

Lola
You can't be serious. It's just a blob of flattened pastry! It's... road litter! ... Al, quit with the pictures.

Hydrogen Guy
But you'll notice, Ms. Lakefront-Property, that this is a relatively quiet road and this is the only recent organic litter in sight. It has to have been deposited this morning, otherwise last night's rain would've washed most of it away.

Deuterium Boy
Brilliant deduction, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Still, Deuterium Boy, I'm no Matlock.

Deuterium Boy
So do you have an inkling, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
I think so, DB, I think so... I believe we've observed all there is to be observed here. Time to spring into action!

Lola
Come on, Al.

Sergeanskivanoroffski
That wouldn't be wise, ma'am. Best leave this up to the professionals.

Lola
You are the professionals, and you're leaving it up to him!

Hydrogen Guy
"Him" is perfectly qualified when it comes to fighting Evil, Ms. Lakefront-Property.

Lola
Prove it, then.

Hydrogen Guy
A challenge? Fine.

Deuterium Boy
HG...

Hydrogen Guy
You and Scamp over here ride in the back of the Tritium Truck. Be sure to mind DB's collection of board games... Saddle up, DB! We're movin' out!

A short while later, at the Starbucks at West and 10th, Maple Ridge City...

Hydrogen Guy
Mm! I love how the cocoa blends with the trace amounts thallium chloride! How's the mocha latté this morning, DB?

Deuterium Boy
A little on the heavy side, HG... I think they put in too much oxygen-18.

Hydrogen Guy
It's only the second cup of the day. Give them time.

Lola
So, what exactly are we doing, sitting around drinking coffee? Shouldn't you be tracking down your "Evil Forces"?

Hydrogen Guy
This is what's known as a "strategy session". It's an important part of the super-heroing process.

Deuterium Boy
Sometimes these sessions can last for hours.

Lola
Uh-huh... so that's why they gave you 10% off when you showed them your League of Heroes card... Al! Al, stop bothering those people! So Hydrogen Guy, while you're busy strategising... what's the inside story on the mask? What do you guys turn into when you leave the Hydrogen Cave?

Deuterium Boy
Pumpkins.

Hydrogen Guy
Radioactive ones.

Lola
No, seriously. I want to develop a profile here.

Hydrogen Guy
We can't exactly reveal our secret identities to you. It's against the League by-laws.

Lola
Just tell me a little about the non-Hydrogen side of your personalities. Like, do you have jobs? I mean, normal jobs?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure we do. I deliver pizza and DB here's a lifeguard.

Lola
Seriously?

Deuterium Boy
No, of course not, don't be ridiculous. Hydrogen Guy's actually a wealthy philanthropist and I'm his young ward. I used to perform in the circus, till the accident that killed my parents and my performing bear Bobo.

Lola
Argggh! For Steinbeck's sake, will you be serious?! It's important for the public to know that you're normal people with normal lives!

Hydrogen Guy
Why? It seems rather important to you.

Lola
I'm trying to find out the Real Story here. For all the rest of us know you could be a couple of half-bent psychopaths!

Deuterium Boy
Well if you ask my mother, we are.

Hydrogen Guy
My mom doesn't mind so much, though. I just tell her about battling genocidal lobsters and she says "That's nice, dear".

Deuterium Boy
She probably thinks you're fruity.

Hydrogen Guy
She's probably right.

Lola
You see? That's what I'm looking for. The human side.

Deuterium Boy
Uh oh, we're giving her what she wants. Better slip back into our "embittered crime-fighter" personas.

Hydrogen Guy
Damn, left mine in my other cape.

Lola
You two are impossible... look, I'm really enjoying all the witty banter, but aren't there "Evil Forces" at work? I thought you had some kind of clue...

Deuterium Boy
We told you, we're strategising.

Lola
You're not strategising! You're sitting around drinking coffee!! You two are supposed to be the best superheroes in town, but so far all I've seen is some wild supposition and two caffeine-addicted slackers in goofy costumes.

Hydrogen Guy
Look Ms. Lakefront-Property... We have to do this in our own style. It may not fit your image of the grim crime-fighter with the chiseled jaw, but it's the way we work. In this province, there's us, and there's ICBC, and in the middle lies danger. We have to fight this battle in our own way and our own time, and by tagging along you're getting awfully close to that dangerous middle.

Lola
Thank you, William Shatner. What's this paranoia about ICBC that you've got, anyway?

Hydrogen Guy
They're the most dangerous criminal syndicate on Earth, that's what.

Lola
They're the insurance company. They insure cars. They put maudlin anti-speeding commercials on television and gouge you for half your net worth every twelve months. But they're still just an insurance company!

Hydrogen Guy
How very sad that a beautiful women like yourself could buy into the lies of an Evil Empire...

Lola sighs heavily. It is with great personal will power that she refrains from reaching out and smacking him.

Lola
Can we just get going already?

Hydrogen Guy
Fine! Deuterium Boy... what did you think of that torte?

Deuterium Boy
I thought it was a strudel.

Hydrogen Guy
Exactly! It was a very Eastern European style of torte! Do you see what I'm driving at?

Lola
Who in their right mind would?

Deuterium Boy
Of course! The International Cream Bakery Company! That's probably how they drugged the driver, by spiking the strudel!

Hydrogen Guy
Torte.

Deuterium Boy
Whatever.

Lola
The International Cream Bakery Company? That's the Hungarian place on Alma, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Right.

Lola
They changed owners last week. The Beacon's "Food" section did a story on it.

Hydrogen Guy
Ba-bingo! We've got our man, DB.

Lola
It's probably pointless to object, but I don't understand.

Deuterium Boy
The International Cream Bakery Company is one of ICBC's front companies. Used for money laundering and certain covert operations. If it "changed owners", that probably means ICBC's eliminated the previous Director of Ops and replaced him with someone they consider more trustworthy.

Hydrogen Guy
They eliminated him, or he double-crossed them. That would explain a job in ICBC's style done without their registry on the hovercraft. Brave man.

Lola
This is insane...

Hydrogen Guy
So, DB, guess who ICBC's last "Baker" was?

Deuterium Boy
Not...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes! Terrier Ironcore, called "The Terror of Budapest", ex-high muckety-muck in the East German and Hungarian communist governments and now a well-known international terrorist.

Deuterium Boy
Actually, I was going to say ICBC mastermind Jean-Marc Trudeau, alias "The Black Rose".

Hydrogen Guy
Oh. Well, good guess, though.

Lola
The owner of the Bakery was named Lazlo Erdos. He retired and moved to Kelowna!

Hydrogen Guy
You're a slow learner, aren't you, Ms. Lakefront-Property? It's a cover-up! A conspiracy! A deeply-rooted plot to destroy Truth, Silliness and the Canadian Way! Wake up and smell the heavy-water mocha latté, Ms. Lakefront-Property! This is the Fate of the Free World we're talking about!

Lola
You're talking about a quarter of a million in stolen office supplies, a squashed torte, an insurance company and a retired baker! AND YOU'RE BOTH OUT OF YOUR MINDS!!

Hydrogen Guy
Hey Al! Pack up your flash bulbs, we're headin' out!

The Tritium Truck arrives at Vancouver's H.R. MacMillan Planetarium, nestled on picturesque English Bay, a short time later. Deuterium Boy, Hydrogen Guy, Lola Lakefront-Property and Al the photographer pile out. The photographer scampers off into the bushes after a squirrel.

Hydrogen Guy
Al! Don't get lost! We'll be leaving in a minute!

Deuterium Boy
He's an awful lot like a golden retriever with a camera, isn't he?

Lola
Now what are doing at the Planetarium? Coming to check your astrological charts?

Hydrogen Guy
No, of course not. That's Doug's job.

Lola
Doug?

Hydrogen Guy
Never mind... Ironcore has a hidden island somewhere out in the Georgia Strait. You can bet that's where the stolen office supplies are.

Lola
A hidden island... let me guess, it's invisible, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Sort of. It's surrounded by a cloaking field.

Deuterium Boy
Lucky for us, the Hydrogen Sub is equipped with cloak-cutting technology.

Lola
The Hydrogen Sub?

Hydrogen Guy
Go get your photographer.

They circle around behind the Planetarium, to what appears to be a weathered aluminum tool shed on the far side of the grounds. Deuterium Boy takes hold of the rusty lock and snaps it open. A flickering red light plays over his fingerprint as a laser takes his DNA imprint. The lock pops open, and a heavy iron bolt behind the door slides free. He opens the door. The shed is empty except for a heavy steel trap-door in the floor. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy pull open the trap-door, revealing a ladder leading down to an underground chamber. Hydrogen Guy gestures "after you" to Lola and Al. Lola tosses her hair and starts down the ladder. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Al follow her.

They climb down the ladder into a murky light. The underground chamber is actually a large cave, half-light reflecting off a channel of water in the centre of the cave. Hydrogen Guy throws a switch, and the cavern is lit up by brilliant halogen lamps hanging high above from the roof of the cave. The cavern is a natural cave carved into the rock by the sea, and widened into an underground canal by human hands. Moored in the canal is the thirty-foot, bright blue Hydrogen Submarine. The photographer starts snaps pictures like a man possessed.

Lola
Oh my God... it's a nuclear submarine! How did you... the Canadian Navy doesn't even have any of these!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... the previous federal government was going to buy a bunch, but they backed out at the last minute and the supplier was left in the lurch. We were able to get it pretty cheap.

Deuterium Boy
All aboard!

He leads them up another ladder along the side of sub and down into the waiting hatch. Inside, the Hydrogen Sub is fully loaded - decked out in an array of super-computers and kitchen appliances to match the Hydrogen Cave and an old foos-ball table in one corner. Deuterium Boy clangs the hatch shut behind Al the photographer, and goes to man the controls. Lola stares around the interior of the Sub in disbelief.

Hydrogen Guy
We all sealed up, DB?

Deuterium Boy
Aye aye, HG!

Hydrogen Guy
Engines on! Prepare to dive!

A klaxon whoops mightily, the engines roar to life, and the Sub begins moving out of the Hydrogen Docks and into English Bay.

Deuterium Boy
Course set for Ironcore Island... bay doors open... taking us out!

Hydrogen Guy
Can I get anyone something from the bar?

A short time later, the Hydrogen Sub was cruising deep in the Georgia Strait, thirty kilometers east of the Vancouver. Despite an annoyed orca, the voyage goes smoothly.

Hydrogen Guy
Has anyone seen the photographer?

Lola
He went to the bathroom.

Hydrogen Guy
On a submarine, my dear Ms. Lakefront-Property, it is referred to as "the head".

Deuterium Boy
Ironcore Island's on the display. It's two clicks off starboard.

Hydrogen Guy
Up Hydrogen Periscope!

A digital periscope viewer drops down from the ceiling. Hydrogen Guy steps up and peers into it.

Hydrogen Guy
Aha! Just as I thought!

Lola
What?

Hydrogen Guy
Take a look.

She steps up to the periscope. Her forehead creases and she steps back.

Lola
I don't see anything but water.

Hydrogen Guy twiddles a control on the digital viewer.

Hydrogen Guy
Now take a look.

Lola
Oh my God, it's an island!

Deuterium Boy That's the cloak-cutter kicking in. So do you still think we're out of minds?

Lola
Well... I think you're maybe less delusional than I thought. I'm convinced you're probably not going to kill me.

Hydrogen Guy
The day's still young. Down Hydrogen Periscope.

Suddenly, the sub shakes dramatically. Its passengers are nearly thrown off their feet.

Hydrogen Guy
What was that?

Deuterium Boy
We've been grabbed by a cyber-squid! Hull pressure's steady though, we're just not going anywhere.

Lola
What's a cyber-squid?

Hydrogen Guy
Fiendish creations of ICBC's leading mad scientist, the late Dr. Sige Gaas. They're giant squid implanted with computer hardware to boost their strength and intelligence.

Lola
Y'know, this time I'm willing to believe you.

The lights dim. Deuterium Boy attacks the controls, flicking switches, pushing buttons, and peering at dials.

Deuterium Boy
More bad news, HG... the cyber-squid's hacked into the sub's systems!

Hydrogen Guy
Electronic counter-measures?

Deuterium Boy
Neutralized... power has just been routed to internal communications...

A carefully moderated, slightly accented voice fills the Hydrogen Sub's control room as the intercom comes to life.

Voice
This is Terrier Ironcore... to whom am I speaking?

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, Defenders of Truth, Silliness and the Canadian Way!

Hydrogen Guy
And this is our sub you're squid-handling here, Paco.

Voice
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy... this not unexpected. I wasn't, however, expecting you to be able to penetrate my Island's Tonarzi cloaking device. I have to complement your resourcefulness.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't let anyone fool you, Ironcore: the Tonarzi sell cheap crap.

Voice
Ah ha ha, Hydrogen Guy. Your merry tone betrays you. My cyber-squid will bring your submarine to the Island Complex. The Complex is equipped with a nuclear dampener, so you will be unable to detonate your submarine's nuclear power source, should you feel the need. I will see you when you arrive.

Deuterium Boy
Communications are deactivated.

Lola
What's going on?

Hydrogen Guy
We're being taken prisoner.

Lola
Taken prisoner by squid... great. I woke up this morning, you know what I thought? "I hope I can get the real scoop on Hydrogen Guy". Not, "I hope I get taken prisoner by squid".

Hydrogen Guy
In this line of work you have to be flexible.

The terrible cyber-squid pulls the Hydrogen Sub into a harbour on Ironcore Island, and into an enclosed docking bay. Its tentacles release the sub as magnetic guide rails grab hold, guiding the vehicle into the interior of the docking bay, and the squid returns to the deeps and its own dark missions...

The Sub comes to a stop inside an enormous aquatic hangar. The Sub's hatch opens. Hydrogen Guy pokes his head up cautiously. The Sub has been moored, and on the dock are about two dozen guards in ICBC uniforms carrying rifles of obviously alien design. Standing at their head, in an impeccably tailored suit in the classic Soviet style, is Terrier Ironcore. He is heavyset, with bushy mustache and eyebrows, and decades of somber repression imprinted on his face. The immediate impression is of one not to invite to parties.

Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and company disembark and are immediately surrounded by the ICBC guard. Hydrogen Guy turns to their host and raises a debonair eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
Terrier Ironcore, I presume.

Ironcore
Welcome to my Island, comrades. [to Lola] And you are?

Lola
Lola Lakefront-Property, investigative reporter for the Maple Ridge Beacon.

Ironcore
Ms. Lakefront-Property, of course! Late of the American Imperial Times out of Boston, am I right?

Lola
Yes, that's right.

Ironcore
I remember quite well. You were involved in the investigation of links between the Iranian government and the Idaho People's Militia in the middle of '91. We had to move very quickly to cover our tracks because of you.

Lola
You were involved in that?

Ironcore
ICBC was, comrade. I am in business for myself now.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, that's what we came to speak to you about... Now DB!

Deuterium Boy pulls one of his patented Deuterium-O-Rangs^TM from his Useful Things Belt and throws it, knocking out one of the guards. Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil and cuts down the rifles of two more.

The remaining guards step back and open fire, shooting pale beams of plasma from the alien disruptors. The Covalent Crusaders stagger back, dropping their weapons. Other guards behind them step forward and grab hold of them.

Ironcore
That was ill-advised, comrades. My guards are equipped with plasma rifle disruptors which operate at a frequency slightly offset from the natural frequency of hydrogen. As you see it's quite unpleasant. Ha ha, not all Tonarzi technology is crap, Hydrogen Guy, am I right?

Lola
You fiend! [pause] I can't believe I just said that.

Ironcore
Guards, take them to the Executive Lounge, where I will explain all my plans to them before I execute them in an elaborate manner.

Dramatic Music!!

The executive lounge is a bright, sterile, circular laboratory in the heart of Ironcore Island. We find Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, Lola Lakefront-Property and Al the photographer strapped to four tables in the centre of the room, arranged in a cross. In the center of the cross is a cylinder of semi-transparent, bright green goo. Pipes and cables connect the unspeakable cylinder to the ceiling.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, this looks promising, doesn't it?

Deuterium Boy
I have to admit I'm really curious to see what he's got planned here.

Lola
He wasn't really serious was he? I thought villains only did that in cheesy '60's spy flicks.

Hydrogen Guy
Ironcore is very much a villain of the old school. Some of his methods are a little outdated.

A sliding door opens and Ironcore enters, pushing a cart carrying an overhead projector and a stack of transparencies.

Ironcore
Comrades, I hope you're making yourselves comfortable. Give me just a moment as I set up the overhead... there we are. The screen is in place? Da, excellent. Well, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, I am so glad you could make it. It is a distinct honour to execute two superheroes of your calibre. And Ms. Lakefront-Property is such a marvelous bonus. Anywise, down to business. What was it that lead you to me?

Deuterium Boy
It was the strudel.

Ironcore
Torte, you mean.

Deuterium Boy
Whatever.

Ironcore
Blast those fools, I told them to be careful...

Hydrogen Guy
It was really quite an operation, Ironcore. Using the hovercraft to hijack the office supply truck, very dramatic. Although I understand you're no longer with ICBC?

Ironcore
No, Comrade Hydrogen, I am not. The Company decided I was "out of date", so I saved them the trouble of down-sizing me by skipping out with a few billion in funds.

Deuterium Boy
But why office supplies? What could you possibly want with 75,000 manila envelopes?

Ironcore
Ah yes, of course... if you'll turn your attention to the overhead...

He turns on the projector and puts the first colour transparency on the projector.

Ironcore
Behold, comrades! The Orbital Super-Stapler!

Lola
What is that, some kind of satellite weapon?

Ironcore
Precisely, Ms. Lakefront-Property. The Orbital Super-Stapler is an orbital ballistic device which will, upon completion, be capable of launching staples the size of a Boeing 777 at the Earth's cities at speeds in excess of Mach 5! Let me show you on transparency 2...

Hydrogen Guy
Ironcore, even for you, that's totally preposterous.

Ironcore
If you'll regard transparency 3, Hydrogen Guy, you'll see that cost analysis comparing the equivalent number of nuclear warheads, orbital laser devices, and the Orbital Super-Stapler show that the Super-Stapler is nearly twice as cost efficient as other methods of global devastation. And once constructed, the cost of the giant staples will actually decrease with use, as more raw material becomes available from the ruins of previously destroyed cities, as you see in figure 3.2. The only element which currently makes the Super-Stapler cost-prohibitive is the nearly 300,000 micro-springs...

Deuterium Boy
Of course! The 300,000 click-pens!

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Ironcore
As you can see from transparency 4, the spring in a standard BIC click-pen is ideally suited for the Super-Stapler's launch mechanism. The remaining office supplies can be sold on the black market in Eastern Europe for nearly quadruple their North American street value, as in the pie chart on transparency 5...

Hydrogen Guy
Well, I hear the Hungarians are just mad for Post-Its.

Lola
You'll never get away with this, Ironcore!

Hydrogen Guy
Wow, you're really getting into it now, aren't you?

Lola
Oh, shut up.

Ironcore
But I will get away with it, Ms. Lakefront-Property. If you'll turn your attention to transparency 6, you'll see a schematic of how I intend to execute you. I am now switching on the 50 terawatt ammonia laser directly above the cylinder of green liquid around which the four of you are arranged. The cylinder contains a rare nitride compound, known only to a few chemists (and myself, of course) at ICBC. When the laser heats the liquid to exactly 525° C, it will vapourize, exploding the cylinder and filling the room. And the gas reacts rather violently with human flesh. Explosively, you might say.

Hydrogen Guy
Hmm... pretty good, Ironcore!

Deuterium Boy
I'd give it 4 out of 5 D's on the Deuterium scale.

Ironcore
I'm glad you approve, comrades. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make to my contractor. Good-bye Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. Good-bye, Lola Lakefront-Property and Al the photographer.

He collects his transparencies and overhead projector and leaves through the sliding door.

Lola
This isn't actually happening... I've just had way, way too much coffee and I'm starting to share your delusions.

Hydrogen Guy
This is no delusion, Lola... may I call you Lola?

Lola
Why not? So, HG... may I call you HG?

Hydrogen Guy
Why not?

Lola
What's your plan for getting out of here?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, we'd have one, but somebody, I'm not saying who, demanded that we cut short our strategising session!

Lola
Well, a fat lot of good you are!

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, don't get your knickers in a bunch. DB, can you see the temperature indicator on that container of goop there?

Deuterium Boy
Uh, erk, eh... yep! 350° Celsius. That's quite a laser!

Hydrogen Guy
Think we should let it get up to 500° first?

Deuterium Boy
Well...

Lola
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, DO IT NOW!!!

Hydrogen Guy
Fine, fine...

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dissolve into colourless, odourless clouds of hydrogen gas, easily escaping their bonds. They resolidify a few feet away from the table. Hydrogen Guy starts on freeing Lola and the photographer.

Deuterium Boy
*Urp* Excuse me... I always feel a little gassy after doing that...

Hydrogen Guy
I did that joke about six episodes ago, DB... me, when we do it together I'm always afraid I'll resolidify with your nose or something...

Deuterium Boy
Why, what's wrong with my nose?

Hydrogen Guy
It's not anything against your nose, it's just I'd rather have my own nose. I've gotten rather attached to it. There, you're free.

Lola
Thank you! Al, Al, it's okay, we'll find the camera...

Hydrogen Guy
DB, check the door, see if we can open it from the inside. I'll look for our weapons.

Hydrogen Guy pulls open a drawer nearest to him. Inside are the Ruler of Elendil, and an assortment of other gadgets relieved from them earlier.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, this is too easy...

Deuterium Boy
The door's locked from the outside. It's a blast-proof double door about three feet thick. And according to the Scan-O-Matic, there's two guards outside with disruptors.

Hydrogen Guy
Mm-hm... well, why don't we try something fancy? Ironcore said that's an ammonia laser, right?

Deuterium Boy
Uh oh... [to Lola] I think we should stand back...

Hydrogen Guy concentrates on the laser beam.

Hydrogen Guy
The coherent photons in the beam should still have a workable hydrogen signature from the ammonia. I've never tried this before, but...

After a few seconds of focused concentration, the laser beam swerves from the container and hits the door. The beam burns a hole straight through the door in thirty seconds. There is a huge explosion on the other side of the door. Deuterium Boy cuts the power to the laser at the controls.

Deuterium Boy
Did I mention that there was a propane line on the opposite wall?

Hydrogen Guy slices through the remainder of the door with the Ruler of Elendil. The four ex-captives step out into the remains of the hallway. The two guards are nowhere to be seen.

Deuterium Boy
Way to go, propane!

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, we need to find the stolen office supplies and shut this place down. DB, you take our friends from the media and take care of the former, I'll take care of the latter. [To Lola] Kiss me for luck?

POW!

She slugs him across the jaw.

Hydrogen Guy
OW!

Lola
Good luck.

Ironcore's office is sits atop a high tower at the center of the island. The office is decorated in the latest East European style - Western Decadent. Terrier Ironcore sits at a huge wooden desk talking on a pure ivory phone.

Ironcore
Yes... yes... of course... no, we'll probably need a fusion motor... oh certainly... yes... North Korea wants in on the ground floor... yes...

CRASH!

Hydrogen Guy kicks in the office door and walks in, the Ruler of Elendil drawn and ready.

Ironcore
I agree, yes... look, Yuri, I'll have to call you back, there's a superhero here... yes, thank-you... good-bye.

He hangs up the phone. From underneath the desk he pulls out a disruptor pistol and fires it at Hydrogen Guy. Hydrogen Guy ducks and rolls in the nick of time, popping back up a few feet to the left.

Ironcore
This pistol is a smaller version of the disruptors my guards carry. The main difference is that I can adjust the frequency with this knob here. Right now it is slightly offset from hydrogen's natural frequency...

He makes a slight adjustment to the control knob.

Ironcore Now it is even less slightly offset. Instead of merely stopping you in your tracks, it will now knock you unconscious for several minutes. If I were to adjust it all the way to the hydrogen frequency, my scientists assure me it will kill you.

Hydrogen Guy
What was the big idea with that little show you put on down there?

Ironcore
Show?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... you'd have to be a complete idiot not to realize Deuterium Boy and I could've gotten out of those restraints anytime we felt like it. And you left our weapons in an unlocked drawer three feet away? You didn't have any intention of killing us.

Ironcore
I will soon, comrade. When you arrived with the lady reporter, I felt I should put out my best trappings. There was no incinerant in the cylinder, either, it was merely some nitrogenous goo we use for packing human clones. It was impressive, though, am I right?

Hydrogen Guy
Trouble is, now we know all about your plans, and Deuterium Boy is right now hijacking your hijacked hovercraft filled with hijacked office supplies.

Ironcore
I don't really care about the office supplies. The springs are on their way to Moscow by bonded courier, and the two of you will never get out in time.

Hydrogen Guy
What do you mean, "in time"?

Ironcore
Five minutes ago, a squadron of ICBC B-8 bombers with cloak-cutting sensors appeared on our radar screens, heading this way. They'll be here any second.

Hydrogen Guy
Why you --

Ironcore
Now, comrade. People in your country have a saying: "Nobody likes a sore loser." Am I right? Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sub to catch.

He presses a button on his desk, and the whole enchilada plummets into the floor. Hydrogen Guy leaps after him, but grabs only a souvenir paperweight marked "Budapest Zoo".

Hydrogen Guy
Damn you, Terrier Ironcore! Foiled again!

He dashes out of the office. Moments later, he is in the hangar. Deuterium Boy, Lola and the photographer are waiting for him.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! The place is deserted!

Hydrogen Guy
I know! Ironcore split with the springs and gave us the shaft. We'd better get out of here, it'll get kinda hectic in a minute or two.

They here a distant rumble and the hangar vibrates slightly - an explosion somewhere on the island.

Hydrogen Guy
Whoops! The guests are here!

Deuterium Boy
I set the Hydrogen Sub's autopilot to follow us out. Everyone into the hovercraft!

The sound of explosions grows louder, and the shaking more intense. They dash to the waiting hovercraft, the photographer continually snapping pictures along the way. Once inside the cockpit, Deuterium Boy guns the engine and the hovercraft takes off like a air-cushioned bullet.

Deuterium Boy
Nice of them to leave the hangar doors open.

Lola
[pointing skyward] Look!

As they pull out of the island's harbour they see the sky is filled with black ICBC bombers, raining fiery death down upon Ironcore Island! The hovercraft dodges several bombs as the planes indiscriminately target everything in sight.

Hydrogen Guy
Feynman, I hope they don't hit the Sub.

Lola
The Sub? I hope they don't hit us!

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, if you had to pay for it, you'd be worried about the Sub, too!

The hovercraft flies onwards. Within a few minutes, the island and the squadron of ICBC bombers is just a silhouette on the sensors.

Deuterium Boy
We should be clear now. So's the Sub.

Hydrogen Guy
Good.

Lola
Okay, so let me get this straight... you guys diddled around at Starbucks for an hour, so that by the time we got to Ironcore it was too late to stop him and he took off with the springs anyway, while ICBC tried to bomb him and us out of existence. Truly, gentlemen, a glowing achievement for super-herodom. The Man of Steel would be proud.

Hydrogen Guy
That isn't funny.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, we got most of the office supplies back, didn't we?

Lola
Oh sure, but what about the Orbital Super-Stapler? Next thing we know, Ironcore and his ex-commie buddies will be stapling Western Civilization into the ground!

Hydrogen Guy
I wouldn't be too concerned... DB, you remember Newton's Third Law?

Deuterium Boy
"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction".

Hydrogen Guy
Now just think about the kind of recoil you'd get accelerating a staple the size of a jet liner to Mach 5 in space. That thing would knock itself out of orbit on the first shot and keep on going till it hit the Moon.

Lola
And Ironcore overlooked this?

Deuterium Boy
Great Bouncing Buddhas, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Nobody ever said villains had to be bright. I noticed the copyright on the bottom of the transparencies. Ironcore bought those plans off of Cromwell Space Technology, an firm headed by Jerry "The Ace" Cromwell, a former weapons technologist with Canadian Arms & Warfare and ICBC thug in good standing.

Lola
How do you remember all of this stuff?

Hydrogen Guy
I eat a lot of fruits, almost never watch TV, and have very few friends.

Deuterium Boy
So you mean ICBC double-crossed Ironcore while he was double-crossing them?

Hydrogen Guy
Exactly!

Lola
Unbelievable...

Deuterium Boy
It'll make quite a story for the Beacon.

Lola stares out the window across the water. The skyline of Vancouver is just visible in the blue distance.

Lola
I can't write it. I can't write any of this. It's too insane. Binkerson will laugh me out of the office and tell me to stop watching so many Spiderman cartoons.

Hydrogen Guy
Pff, don't worry about it. We'll drop off the office supplies and swing by this great coffee shop off Abernethy...

Lola
Yeah, sure. Great. Sorry, HG, I don't get as excited about coffee as you do.

Lola stares glumly across the water. Al, likewise, appears down in the mouth. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy exchange meningful looks.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, Lola... how about that exclusive interview you were looking for? No BS this time. Right DB?

Deuterium Boy
Sounds fair, HG.

Lola
Really? You mean it?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure... you buy the coffees, though...

And so, with Western Civilization safe for the moment, our heroes can relax and resume two of their favourite pastimes: drinking hot gourmet beverages and baiting reporters. But when they're needed again, they'll be back: Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, Covalent Crusaders of Justice!

[Fade to black; Roll credits]