Episode 22

A Dinner Date with Danger

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Universe is a strange and marvelous place, governed by infinite cycles of events large and small. Clouds of hydrogen gas condense, and a star is born. The star ages, fizzles out, and sometimes explodes violently. Oceans rise and fall, mountains are pushed up and worn down, species evolve from microscopic bags of goo into intricate and beautiful creatures which can look up at the sky and wonder why it's blue. Civilizations are born, grow, accomplish great things in art, science and commerce, before growing decadent and collapsing under their own weight. In and out, up and down, over and again for billions of years.

Every once in a while, Jim Evans goes out on a date.

He is standing just inside the Haddockery, a seafood restaurant along the shore of the Fraser river in Maple Ridge's fashionable West Hammond district. Dressed in his best tan slacks, precisely creased, a blue dress shirt and a bracingly powder blue tie, he is trying to attract the attention of the hostess. His date - one Katrina "Kate" Nereid, dressed in a slimming turquoise summer dress - is commenting on the sad tendency of hostesses to be stuck-up prats.

It isn't that an Evans date is rare due to lack of opportunities. His careers of theoretical physicist and superhero are two of the most glamourous and intriguing to women that a man in this day and age can have (except possibly for movie actor or software foundation guru). No, the cause is that devoting himself to staying at the top of both professions (physicist/superhero, not actor/software guru) has left him with little time for a social life. Maintaining a "day job" as well as solving crimes of the fantastic as a knight in coloured armour is a superhuman task of time management; it's no wonder that only superhumans can manage it.

Evans has long since adopted the attitude that while having a relationship is nice work if you can get it, practically speaking it is an unnecessary distraction.

His current situation is entirely David Marcolin's fault, his friend and partner. Marcolin had recently fallen for some strange woman he'd met over some kind of dream-induced psychic chatline[Ep. 21], and the experience had made him goopy with romance. One day Evans found him so insufferable, that out of sheer exasperation he turned to the nearest available woman in the coffee shop and asked her out, simply to prove a point.

Hence Katrina "Kate" Nereid.

At last a forcefully tossed after-dinner mint attracts the hostess's attention, and they are shown to a table next to the lobster tank. The hostess peevishly hands them their menus and leaves to ignore other customers.

Kate
I've never actually been to a place where they let you chose your own lobster before.

Evans
I've always found that kind of thing a bit creepy. I don't particularly relish the idea of meeting my dinner while it's still alive.

Kate
You've obviously never lived on a farm, have you?

Evans
No, have you?

Kate
No, but I think that's the sort of thing you're supposed to say in these situations.

Evans
If you get the lobster, pick that one. I don't like the way it's looking at us.

The subject lobster burbles as if in indignation.

Kate
How can you tell it's looking at us?

Evans
I've made a study of the facial expressions of lobsters.

Kate
You're a very peculiar physicist.

Evans
[beams] Thank you!

Kate
[laughs] It's true! You know, I've never actually though of physicists as being interesting people.

Evans
Really?

Kate
I guess I shouldn't base my opinion on my grade 12 teacher. He was really bizarre, he was obsessed with ducks.

Evans
Ducks?

Kate
Yes. All of his problems and examples were about ducks. "If a duck leaves the river bank swimming 2 m/s southwest in a river with a current traveling 5m/s due east, and the river is 200 m wide, where will the duck land on the opposite shore?" "Suppose there are two identical twin ducks. One leaves in a spaceship for a trip around the galaxy at 99% of the speed of light while the other one stays on Earth..."

Evans
Ah, Einstein's famous twins pair-a-ducks.

Kate
That's awful.

Evans
Thank you.

Kate
And of course, when we got to quantum physics he told us about -

Evans
Schrödinger's Duck?

Kate
Right. For most of the year I believed that all the physicists of history had some strange fascination with ducks until I was told otherwise.

Evans
So what happened, did this guy finally lose his mind and start thinking he was a green-headed mallard or something?

Kate
No, he got fired for sleeping with two of my classmates. So I was left with a lasting impression of physicists as duck-crazy dirty old men.

Evans
No wonder you ended up an actuary. I shudder to think of all those budding young minds closed to physics forever because of that man and his waterfowl.

Kate
Yeah, I'll bet.

Evans
Well I promise you I'm not the least bit interested in ducks. This will be the last you hear about ducks from me.

Kate
What about the "dirty old man" part?

Evans
I'm not that old, and the rest depends on you.

Kate
[smirks] Nitwit. I should slap you.

Evans
Only if I start quacking.

Before Kate can respond with a witty rejoinder about geese, a waiter oozes forth and demands drink orders. Kate requests a 1995 Torradan red, and the waiter, satisfied, oozes away again.

Evans
Excellent choice on the wine.

Kate
Thanks. I seriously dig on Torradan wines. I spent a summer there during university and can only remember about three nights out of five.

Evans
Ah, youth. I was in Torrado several years ago. It's a fascinating country. And a very interesting trip. I'll tell you about it when it's declassified.

Kate
You are a nut. But you seem harmless.

Evans
In that case I consider the evening a success.

Kate
I'm going to the washroom. Can I get you anything?

Evans
Just some hand-soap. Hurry back, m'lady, the minutes will seem as aeons 'til your return.

Kate
Stick it in a sonnet or something.

She smiles flirtatiously as she departs. Evans raises an eyebrow appreciatively as she walks away, admiring certain topographical features of he dress. As he peruses the menu, he can't help but believe the evening is going very well.

He is startled out of his thoughts by a tapping on the glass beside him. He looks to find that the large lobster he had briefly pointed out to Kate was sitting right next to his elbow in the tank and was banging on the glass with its claw. As one lobster looks very much like another, it takes a moment for recognition to set in. He is unable to suppress a startled cry.

The lobster twitches an antenna in disapproval. In his mind, Evans hears a clear, cultured voice that is not his own.

Crustacean
{ I apologise for startling you, Dr. Evans, but I insist you not draw attention to yourself. }

Evans
Get out of my head.

Crustacean
{ Don't be concerned, Dr. Evans. I am not reading your mind, merely projecting my words into your brain's auditory centre. Actual telepathy is impossible for me at the moment. }

He wonders how honest the Crustacean is being. As a precaution, he erects the mental barriers taught to him by his sensai Doug. The consequences of the Crustacean reading his secret identity as Hydrogen Guy are too horrid to consider.

Evans
What do you want? And how do you know my name?

Crustacean
{ I must admit I was listening to you and your companion's conversation. Your picture is familiar to me from the Journal of the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics; your discussion of your profession as a physicist and your past trip to Torrado - when you accepted the Zerfelda Prize - confirmed my identification. }

Evans
Well you are smarter than the average crab, aren't you?

Crustacean
{ I am NOT a CRAB, I am a LOBSTER! }

Evans
Easy, Mr. Crustacean. I don't talk to overgrown water-bugs every day.

Crustacean
{ So you know who I am, as well? }

Evans
I read about your hijacking last year in the news. I figured there couldn't be that many like you around.

Crustacean
{ A truth I am somewhat ambivalent about. }

Evans
What did you say you wanted, again?

Crustacean
{ I am obviously disturbing you. I will come to the point. Your institute is involved with Atomic Energy Canada's Clathrate Resonant Lasing project. }

Evans
Yes.

Crustacean
{ The goal of the project is to use tailored crystal clathrates to produce immensely powerful and energy efficient lasers for igniting a hydrogen fusion reactor. }

Evans
So you've read the abstract.

Crustacean
{ Your name was on it. }

Evans
Yes, I did some theoretical simulations, and suggested that better results would be had using a crystals of a particular space group.

Crustacean
{ I find it a fascinating project. }

Evans
What are you suggesting, Crustacean?

Crustacean
{ That you would find it advantageous to share results of that project with some of my human colleagues. }

Evans
I don't know what sort of scientists you're used to dealing with, Crustacean, but there's nothing you can offer me to make me hand you the most powerful laser on the planet.

Crustacean
{ I think you're wrong, Dr. Evans. }

Just then, Kate reappears from around the corner.

Crustacean
{ No word of this to the female. }

Evans
[mutters] Yeah, like talking to seafood is a way to impress a date.

Kate
Hey!

Evans
Hey.

Kate
Sorry, no, hand-soap. They were out of convenient carrying containers.

Evans
Bummer. Guess I'll just have to make due with a salad.

Kate
They had the cutest mermaid shaped soap dispenser, though. You press her tail and soap comes out her butt.

Evans
That is so charming.

Kate
I don't know why, but it's put me off ordering soup. No sign of waiter or wine?

Evans
None yet. Apparently we're not seasoned enough for prompt service.

Kate
I'll order all the seasoning they have if I ever get the chance. Hey, it looks like you've got a friend.

She points to the Crustacean, still hovering near the side of the tank next to Evans' elbow. The lobster scuttles away nonchalantly, and pretends to look interested in a piece of fake choral.

Evans
Oh, yes. Lobsters are strangely attracted to me. I must smell briny or something.

Kate
You smell fine.

Just then, a horrible electronic version of "Puttin' on the Ritz" rings out from Kate's hand bag.

Kate
Oh, shit. It's probably my boss. I'm so sorry, Jim, I should probably take this. Be right back.

Evans
Sure, no problem. I'll hold off the throngs of eager waiters until you come back.

She grabs her bag, blows him a kiss and dashes out. For a quarter second he's filled with a mixture of infatuation and dread, until he hears the inevitable tapping at his elbow.

Evans
Go. Away.

Crustacean
{ Let me plead my case, Dr. Evans... }

Evans
I am not giving you classified information. And in answer to your next question, I'm not helping you escape from that tank, either.

Crustacean
{ Oh, I am not a prisoner, I am merely "laying low". The mindless twits in here with me are my willing slaves, and eagerly prevent my demise as an entrée. No, I am biding my time as I weave my intricate plans... }

Evans
Great, glad to hear it. Just count me out of any intricate plans you choose to weave.

Crustacean
{ Dr. Evans, consider - my colleagues, in exchange for your help, can help your career beyond measure. Guaranteed publications in prestigious journals, a politically influential position in Europe with access to the best research facilities on Earth -no to mention crude monetary gains. }

Evans
Still not interested.

Crustacean
{ You might be surprised at the names of some of my colleagues. Some of the best and most influential men in science... }

Evans
I'm always surprised when otherwise admirable people help Evil.

Crustacean
{ Your friend Hydrogen Guy has infected you with his naive modes of thought. }

Evans
It's called "honour" and "decency", Crustacean. Human concepts I wouldn't expect you to know anything about.

Crustacean
{ Ouch. Dr. Evans, you sound like a bad comic book. }

Evans
Is there some more effective way I could tell you to go away?

Crustacean
{ Alas, Dr. Evans, that is impossible. I regret that it has to come to this - }

Evans
What are you going to do, start flinging algae at me?

Crustacean
{ I wish to discuss your trip to Torrado. }

Evans
What?

Crustacean
{ I came across some interesting information... You flew to Torrado with your then-fiancée, Cathy Puskas. }

Evans
Has anybody ever told you it's bad form to talk about old girlfriends on a date?

Crustacean
{ Ms. Puskas flew back to Vancouver alone three days later, quit her job, and then apparently disappeared. You returned after one week in Torrado, alone. You made no effort to contact your former fiancée. In the following weeks, Ms. Puskas's remaining affairs in Canada were settled electronically and by telephone from Torrado - debts paid in full, accounts closed, obligations discharged - in the following weeks. }

Evans
What business is any of that of yours?

Crustacean
{ Is it unreasonable to suppose, Dr. Evans, that you and one or more Torradan accomplices have done away with Ms. Puskas? }

Evans
Look, we broke up in Torrado, that's all. Is that so unusual?

Crustacean
{ Where is Ms. Puskas now, Dr. Evans. }

Evans
[pause] She's in Torrado. She liked it there and decided to stay for a while. She just went back to Canada briefly to make some arrangements.

Crustacean
{ Why not make all the arrangements from Canada, instead of settling most everything from Torrado? Why did her family sell her apartment and most of her furniture? And why is there no record of her movements in Canada after someone closely resembling her quit her job? }

Evans
How should I know?

Evans is inwardly surprised at the thoroughness of the Crustacean's investigation. In reality, Cathy Puskas switched places with her look-alike Princess Madge of Torrado[Ep. 9]. The woman who returned to Canada was Princess Madge, who quickly disappeared with the help of Canadian-based agents of the Torradan Securitàt. He wonders how close the Crustacean is to discovering this - or if he already has.

Crustacean
{ And who, Dr. Evans, was the tall blond woman you were seen with both before and after Ms. Puskas's "return"? }

Evans
I don't believe this...

Crustacean
{ All circumstantial evidence open to several interpretations, Dr. Evans. But other of my colleagues could fashion a convincing case against you... }

Evans
Unless I give you the laser information, right?

Crustacean
{ In which case, the incident will be forgotten, and you will receive the other benefits I mentioned earlier... }

Evans
You can't blackmail me, or bribe me, Crustacean. My answer is still a big, fat, final NO....

Kate
Hey. I'm really sorry about that. It was my boss, and he kept blabbing on about stuff that could've waited till Monday. Big fat final no to what?

Evans
I'm practicing fighting off your advances. You know, I just can't make it sound convincing.

Crustacean
{ Oh, gag me with a fish flake, Evans... }

Evans ignores him.

Kate
I suppose you'll just have to give in then. Don't make it too easy, though, I like some challenge.

Evans
Why do you think I was practicing?

Kate
You can't fool me, you know. I know you were talking to your lobster friend. You're cute so I'll forgive you.

Crustacean
{ Mammals are so sickening... }

Finally, the waiter arrives with the wine. Kate orders a poached salmon with asparagus spears and a shrimp salad.

Waiter
And for you, sir?

Evans
Hmmm... think I'll have the grilled lobster. And I want that one. The big one with the mean look in its eyes.

He points to the Crustacean.

Crustacean
{ EVANS!! }

He closes his mind as a surprisingly vivid sequence of curses echo in his head.

The waiter signals for a bus-boy, who arrives with a net and a bucket. As he climbs the platform, Evans warns him to make sure he gets the right lobster, and accept no substitutes. Twice other lobsters almost throw themselves into the net, but after some considerable effort, and encouragement from the customer, the Crustacean is netted and deposited in the bucket.

The bus-boy presents the bucket to Evans for his approval. The Crustacean stares up at him with hate smoldering in his segmented eyes.

Evans
Excellent.

Crustacean
You will pay for this, Evans...

Evans
Yes, about seventeen dollars all together. But it's worth it. Think of me often as you enjoy the rest of your day.

He gives the bucket a playful slap and sends the servers on their way.

Kate
Did... did that lobster talk to you?

Evans
Hm? Oh, it must have had gas or something. Hope that won't spoil the flavour.

Kate
You are just too weird. I thought it creeped you out to meet your dinner when it was still alive.

Evans
You obviously weren't raised on a farm, were you?

He raises his wine glass and proposes a toast to grilled lobster and duck a l'orange. Their conversation carries on with no further talk of lobsters.

Evans found it a great relief, and a pleasant change, to talk to someone about things other than science or the bizarre netherworld of the superhero. As they talked, he decided that he could definitely get used to Kate's company. At some point while they talked about their favourite science fiction movies, they heard some odd noises (almost like screaming) from the direction of the kitchen, but they shrugged it off and paid it no further attention.

Despite the slow service earlier, their salads arrived quickly. Not long after, Kate's salmon arrives. A moment later it's followed by a covered platter which is placed in front of Evans. The waiter assists in tying on a lobster bib.

Kate
Hey, quite a production.

Waiter
I hope you're hungry, sir.

Evans
I am famished.

The waiter pulls the cover off the platter with a flourish. Kate screams. The waiter swoons, and restaurant falls into a shocked hush.

Evans stares in shock at the human hand, rough severed at the wrist by what he knows could only be a powerful claw, sitting on a bed of romaine lettuce amid garnishes and vegetables. Presumably, it had belonged to the unfortunate chef who tried to plunge his assailant into boiling water.

Evans sighs. So much for a successful first dates.

[Fade to black; roll credits]