Episode 24
Terror in Aisle Nine!
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Saturday morning, about half past eleven; an office on the second floor of the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics. Having polished off his morning's work, world-renowned theoretical physicist Jim Evans grabs a tote-bag from under his desk and makes his way for the sub-basement, where he catches a secret elevator hidden behind an antique mass spectrometer stuffed in the boiler room.
A few minutes later, the elevator arrives on the main floor of the Hydrogen Cave. The doors slide open and Hydrogen Guy steps into the Cave's main chamber. Deuterium Boy is already there, his face lit by the pale glow of a computer screen.
Hydrogen Guy
Top of the morning to you, DB.
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! Good morning.
Hydrogen Guy
Been here long?
Deuterium Boy
Not that long. I've just been doing some
puttering around. Tinkered with the re-entry funnel stabilizers on the De
Broglie boards and managed to raise their efficiency a little. I also realigned
the laser heads on the electro-scannogramometer, upgraded the Spy Satellite
relay driver to the latest version, translated our super-villains database into
Cantonese for the League of Heroes' Hong Kong branch, and reattached Doug's left
arm.
Hydrogen Guy
Cool. [pause] I got the high score on
"Death Pong".
Deuterium Boy
Excellent!
Hydrogen Guy
Heavy water mocha latté?
Deuterium Boy
Sure, thanks.
Hydrogen Guy heads for the kitchen. A few minutes later he returns with a mocha latté for Deuterium Boy and a hot chocolate for himself.
Hydrogen Guy
So what are you doing now?
Deuterium Boy
Just surfing.
Hydrogen Guy
Assassins.net, huh?
Deuterium Boy
Seeing who's on the chopping block this
week. Whoa...
Hydrogen Guy
What? [sips his hot chocolate]
Deuterium Boy
Check this out... ICBC's upped the bounty
on us to $5 million US.
Hydrogen Guy
*GLORF!*
Deuterium Boy
Are you okay?
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, I just inhaled about a half a pint
of whip cream... Five million US?! Great Feynman's Ghost!
Deuterium Boy
Looks like our lives will be getting a
little more exiting.
Hydrogen Guy
Do you realize that if we offed ourselves,
we'd be able to completely replace most of our equipment?
Deuterium Boy
Or settle both those property damage
lawsuits.
Hydrogen Guy
Jeez, yeah...
ComputerDING!
Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
WE'VE GOT
MAIL!
Deuterium Boy
Hey, it's from Reaper.
Date: Sat, 8 Jul 199- 11:41:45 -0700 (PDT) From: Reaper <reaper042@yowza.com> To: Hydrogen Guy <hydrogen@hcave.ca> Cc: Deuterium Boy <deuterium@hcave.ca> Subject: A little favour Hydrogen Guy, I seem to be running a little low on food-stuffs. I'm still not really all that familiar with contemporary markets - would you and Deuterium Boy have time to take me through this "Save-On-Foods" place? Once should give me the hang of it. Thanks in advance. Cheers, Reaper ------------------------------------------------ Is you-za Yowza? Get free email with yowza.com! http://www.yowza.com ------------------------------------------------
Hydrogen Guy furrows his brow. Reaper, a Minion of Death Incarnate, had recently arrived in their time after the "Never Say Die Till You're Dead" affair.
Deuterium Boy
What are you furrowing your brow
about?
Hydrogen Guy
Nothing, but the narrator needed me to do
something while he talked about Reaper. Feel like going grocery
shopping?
Deuterium Boy
Sure.
Hydrogen Guy
Great. I'll email the Shrouded One back
and then -- to the Tritium Truck!
About an hour later - after a light lunch, because you know what happens when you shop on an empty stomach (you come home with the Economy-Sized Cheese'n'Artichoke Perogies) - Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Reaper arrive at Reaper's local Save-On-FoodsTM grocery store. Reaper, who lives in Vancouver's trendy Kitsilano neighborhood on the city's west side, as always is stunningly dressed in a heavy black cloak and hood.
Once inside the store, they are faced with their first challenge: obtaining a shopping cart.
Hydrogen Guy
Okay, so since you're usually going to be
buying your week's worth of groceries at one go, you'll need one of those carts
over there.
Deuterium Boy
If you only need a few things, grab a
basket.
Reaper
[nods]
Hydrogen Guy
The carts are chained together, but if you
stick a quarter in the slot... uh, Reaper?
Reaper has leapt to intercept an elderly lady who has just unlocked a cart. He knocks her down and grabs the cart. The Covalent Crusaders rush to intervene!
Deuterium Boy
Reaper! Bad Minion!
Hydrogen Guy
Reaper, it's not roller derby! Grocery
shopping is not a tooth-and-claw struggle for survival, where nothing is
forbidden and human life is cheap!
Deuterium Boy
Except in the suburbs.
Hydrogen Guy
DB, please, I'm trying to make a point!
[to elderly woman] Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry, are you all right?
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy help the woman to her feet, apologizing profusely. She leans on them for support, apparently dazed by Reaper's shocking display of random violence.
Hydrogen Guy
It's his first time in a grocery
store.
Old Woman
Hm!
Reaper
[apologetic silence]
She fixes Reaper with a hard stare. Reaper towers over her, and she is about eye-level with his chest. She swings her fist and socks him in the stomach.
Reaper
*gasp*
Old Woman
Well, I never!
She grabs the shopping cart and departs in a huff. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy regard Reaper, who is doubled over in discomfort.
Hydrogen Guy
You see? Be courteous to your fellow
shopper.
Deuterium Boy
You never know who might be an amateur
featherweight.
Hydrogen Guy
Did you see that punch? I'd bet my beanie
she's a pro.
Hydrogen Guy pulls Reaper up as Deuterium Boy obtains a legit cart. They put Reaper in charge of it and usher him through the automatic doors into the store proper.
Deuterium Boy
Thank the gods we convinced him to leave
the scythe at home.
Reaper
[disgruntled silence]
Hydrogen Guy
Ah... now, Reaper, our consumer Odyssey
begins! Step away from the magazine rack, it's just eye candy. Lo, behold the
verdant vista that spreads itself before you! The produce department!
Deuterium Boy
Yech.
Reaper
[interrogative silence]
Hydrogen Guy
Yes, our friend here doesn't eat plant
life of any description. It's a wonder he doesn't succumb to scurvy.
Deuterium Boy
Hey, do I criticize your eating habits
online?
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, DB. So, what do you want,
Reaper?
Reaper
[shrugs]
Hydrogen Guy
You don't know? There's a lot to choose.
Let me lay it all out for you...
Fruits and vegetables, plenty to eat,
They're good in a salad, they're yummy and sweet!
Orange apple banana, traditional fare,
But there's dozens, nay hundreds! Of choices out there.
There's mangoes and kiwis and ripe tangerines,
Guavas and mandarins, stuff of your dreams.
Tomatoes are tasty, there's plenty to choose.
A myriad of berries: the straws, rasps and blues!
As Hydrogen Guy rhymes his way through the produce section, he tosses a sample of each fruit and vegetable back to Deuterium Boy and Reaper.
Hydrogen Guy
Pineapple or li chis, avocado and peach,
Green pepper, sweet pepper, here's one of each!
Potatoes and onions, combinations are endless,
Deuterium Boy
Go easy on garlic, or you'll end up friendless.
Hydrogen Guy
Broccoli, carrots and corn on the cob,
Spinach and cauliflower, they'll do the job!
Melons and cantaloupes! Pumpkins and squash!
Plums, dates and passion fruit! Plenty to nosh!
From parsnips to cherries to peas in a pod
If you're brave, have a durian; they're really quite odd.
Brussel sprouts, cabbage, asparagus spears,
A garden of lettuce! A bushel of pears!
Star fruit and rhubarb! Celery, sprouts!
How about bok choy?
Deuterium Boy
Forget it, they're out!
Hydrogen Guy
So many choices, decision's a struggle.
HEY! It goes in the cart! It's to eat, not to juggle!
He glares at Reaper, who has been plucking fruit from the cart and juggling them in time with his patter. Deuterium Boy is rather impressed at Reaper's newly revealed talent; the Minion of Death is keeping a mango, an apple, an onion, an avocado, a banana, an orange and the durian flying through the air in perfect display of syncopated coordination. A crowd of shopper has gathered to watch the spectacle; several shake their heads and tisk-tisk severely while others applaud. A rather officious-looking stock boy pushes his way to the front of the crowd. His name tag identifies him as Colin.
Colin
Hey, what's going on here? Excuse me, please do
not man-handle the produce!
Hydrogen Guy
It's okay, we're going to by it.
Colin
This is a grocery store, not street
theatre.
Hydrogen Guy
Better cut it out, Reaper.
Reaper
[concentrating silence]
Deuterium Boy
You ever tried juggling seven balls at
once? It's nowhere even close to easy.
Colin
I don't care if it gets you into the record
books, if you don't stop immediately you'll have to leave.
With enough skill to make it look easy, Reaper catches each fruit and tosses it back in the cart. He fumbles the last fruit - the durian - and it slips from his hands and splatters at Colin's feet. Greasy chunks of durian pulp cover his shoes and pant legs, and the distinctive (and utterly rotten) odour fills the air.
Colin looks down at the mess on his shoes and trousers. The stench and Colin's black glare disperses the crowd, except for the perpetrators.
Store PA
Clean-up in produce. Clean-up, produce
please.
Reaper
[almost apologetic silence]
Hydrogen Guy
Oops.. ah ha ha.. sorry. Add it to our
bill!
He hustles Reaper away, past the bulk food bins and into the bakery department.
Hydrogen Guy
Reaper, you're killing us here.
Reaper
[innocent silence]
Hydrogen Guy
You know darn well what I'm talking
about...
Deuterium Boy
He's just having fun. Reaper, you need
some bread?
Reaper examines the various loaves on offer. Suddenly, Hydrogen Guy grabs Deuterium Boy by the arm.
Hydrogen Guy
DB, look!
Deuterium Boy
What? What is it, HG?
Hydrogen Guy
The red-haired girl by the bulk oatmeal.
Be discreet!
Deuterium Boy
Nice. I'd thought you'd sworn off
dating?
Hydrogen Guy
[cringes] That's not what I mean! Don't
you recognize her?
Deuterium Boy
No. Hey wait... did we go to high school
with her?
Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, DB! That's Nicola "Hand of Fate"
Manos! She works for ICBC's Department X-1! She's an assassin!
Deuterium Boy nonchalantly glances over at the casually dressed woman, who is scooping oatmeal into an already bulging plastic bag.
Deuterium Boy
Who on Earth would eat that much oatmeal?
[to HG] Holy Hannibal, Hydrogen Guy. Do you have all of ICBC's X-personnel
memorized?
Hydrogen Guy
Just the dangerous ones. DB, I think she's
following us. Be on your guard.
Deuterium Boy
HG, ICBC assassins need groceries,
too.
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, and think how much oatmeal $5
million US could buy her.
Deuterium Boy
Good point. Let's be cautious.
Reaper returns holding a lemon meringue pie.
Hydrogen Guy
Couldn't resist the goodies,
huh?
An offended voices AHEMs loudly nearby. They turn to face the glowering brows of Colin the stock boy.
Colin
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, is it?
Hydrogen Guy
[aside] I thought I smelled durian. [to
Colin] Er, hello. Sorry again about that little accident. I, er, think you made
Reaper a little nervous.
Colin
I just wanted to warn you three - any more
shenanigans, and you'll be asked to leave.
Deuterium Boy
We'll be model shoppers from now on,
promise.
Colin looks at Reaper holding the lemon meringue.
Colin
I suppose you're going to throw that pie at me
now, are you?
Hydrogen Guy
That would be pretty funny.
Deuterium Boy
Hey, yeah. It'd be hilarious! But wrong.
Very wrong.
Colin
Don't even think about it. Remember -
He points a long, spindly finger at Hydrogen Guy.
Colin
I'm watching you guys.
He fixes them another hard stare and marches away.
Hydrogen Guy
Suddenly I feel like I'm Ferris
Bueller.
Deuterium Boy
Come on, let's finish shopping before my
dad notices the car is missing.
Reaper slips the pie into his cloak. Hydrogen Guy looks at him and raises a puzzled eyebrow. Reaper, he has observed, seems to have one of those cartoon character cloaks, allowing him to store seemingly unlimited numbers of impractical objects regardless of size. Suddenly movement by the oatmeal bin catches his eye.
Hydrogen Guy
Manos is moving. Come on - let's
go.
He steers Reaper and the cart out of the bakery department.
They turn next into the pharmacy aisle, skipping past the deli counter, as Reaper expressed no interest in meats or cheeses. Hydrogen Guy was about to start reciting a poem on the Joys of Cured Meats, but Deuterium Boy pleaded with him not to on the grounds of good taste.
Deuterium Boy
How about shampoo?
Reaper
[shakes his head]
Deuterium Boy
Do you even have hair?
Reaper
[shakes his head]
Hydrogen Guy
Manos is still behind us. She seems to be
following us.
Deuterium Boy
All the easier for us to keep track of
her.
Hydrogen Guy
Exactly.
They move down the aisle as they talk quietly. They pass a heavy-set bearded man and his cart. His style of dress, shaved head and multiple tattoos suggest he is motorcycle enthusiast. He is engrossed in a close examination of two brands of shaving cream, apparently trying to decide which is the superior choice. Thus he does not notice as Reaper reaches into his cart, takes out a carton of cigarettes, and replaces it with a pink box of tampons.
Reaper and the Diatomic Duo round the corner before the biker makes his decision regarding the shaving cream. He spots the tampons in his cart and pulls them out. He utters a growl of rage as he rummages through the cart for his cigarettes. He looks up, scowling.
Biker
HEY!!
Store PA
Security to aisle 2. Security, aisle 2.
Deuterium Boy
Seriously though, HG, what could she hope
to do in a crowded grocery store?
Hydrogen Guy
Who knows what "The Hands of Fate" are
capable of, DB? Hey, there's a special on frozen lake trout! Look at the size
of'em! Reaper, you like trout?
Reaper shrugs, and tosses a pound of hamburger in his cart.
Deuterium Boy
She's going down the household cleaners
aisle.
Hydrogen Guy
Probably trying to avoid rousing
suspicion.
Just then, Hydrogen Guy spots Colin, a security guard, and the irate biker coming out of the pharmacy aisle. The biker points towards them, and Colin nods.
Hydrogen Guy
Uh oh, this looks like trouble. DB, stay
with her. Don't let her see you. Reaper, why don't you check out the dry goods?
I'll handle these guys, try and buy you some time.
Deuterium Boy
Right, HG.
Reaper
[nods]
They split up. Hydrogen Guy is alone when the angry party reaches the fish freezer.
Hydrogen Guy
Is there a problem?
Biker
Yeah, where the hell are my smokes,
freak?
Hydrogen Guy
I have no idea what you're talking
about.
Colin
This gentleman says that your friend took
something out of his cart.
Hydrogen Guy
Not that I'm aware of...
Colin
I warned you before, Hydrogen Guy. I'll have to
ask you and your friends to leave.
Hydrogen Guy
Apparently there's some sort of
misunderstanding, here...
Biker
You tell that freak in the black bathrobe that if
he doesn't bring back my smokes, I'll pound the CENSORED CENSORED
livin' CENSORED out of him.
Hydrogen Guy
I assure you...
Biker
I don't need no assurances from a CENSORED
in a CENSORED hat.
Hydrogen Guy draws himself up to his full height.
Hydrogen Guy
Excuse me?
Biker
I said you're a CENSORED CENSORED in a
CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED hat!
Hydrogen Guy
Sir... accuse me or my friends of anything
you want - but insult my hat, and you insult my honour!
He reaches into the freezer and pulls out a large frozen trout.
Hydrogen Guy
En garde!
Colin
What?! Put that down!!
Hydrogen Guy
Have at you then!
He lunges with the trout, and Colin and the guard jump back.
Colin
All right, Hydrogen Guy - if that's how you want
it!
He pulls out a pair of trout from the freezer and tosses one to the bemused security guard.
Colin
If it takes a duel to throw you out of my store,
it's a duel you've got!
The biker seizes a chain of frozen sausages, wraps it part-way around his hand and swings the free end menacingly.
Biker
Get ready to rumble, punk.
Colin attacks with surprising ferocity, wielding his trout like a master of the blade. Hydrogen Guy is hard pressed to defend himself against three opponents, as the security guard and the biker join the attack.
Hydrogen Guy leaps onto the freezer, deflecting the blows of Colin and the security guard, all the while dodging blow's from the sausage chain. He parries a lunge from the guard and deflects his opponent's fish into the path of the biker's sausages, entangling the two. The biker tears the trout out of the guard's hands with a roar.
Colin
Go get help! We'll hold him off!
The guard nods and runs off. The biker growls and leaps at Hydrogen Guy, brandishing the guard's frozen fish like a club. Hydrogen Guy whacks him across the face with his own fish. He leaps off the freezer and kicks the dazed biker in the chest. The biker staggers back and tumbles into a freezer full of Chinese entrées behind him.
Colin slashes Hydrogen Guy's chest with his fish, tearing his shirt open.
Colin
Ah ha!
Hydrogen Guy
Lucky shot!
The opponents circle each other, parrying blow after blow. Chunks of ice and scales are sent flying each time their ersatz blades meet. Finally Hydrogen Guy misses a parry, and a shot to his wrist causes him to drop the trout. He stands before Colin defenseless, his back against a stack of tomato soup cans. Colin sneers diabolically.
Colin
So, Hydrogen Guy, I've beaten you!
Hydrogen Guy
You know, Colin, you should consider
dropping the grocery business and get into tying comely heiresses to railroad
tracks. I think you'd excel at it.
Colin
Oh I would, would I? Ha!!
He lunges to deliver the killing blow. Hydrogen Guy leaps aside, and Colin crashes into the display behind him. Colin tumbles to the ground as he is buried under a shower of tomato soup cans.
Colin
Unnnhh...
Hydrogen Guy
On second thought, Colin, stick with
stocking shelves. You get too wrapped up in this villain work, I
think.
He hears the squeaky wheel of a grocery cart behind him and turns. Reaper rolls up next to him, his cart filled to the brim with dozens of cups of Pot Noodles.
Hydrogen Guy
Reaper! What...?
He reaches into the cart and pulls out a yellow sign board with "Danger - Wet Floor" written on it in red letters.
Hydrogen Guy
THIS IS NOT FOR SALE! What else... oh, for
Feynman's sake!
He reaches into the cart again and pulls out a carton of cigarettes.
Hydrogen Guy
You of all people should know
better.
He tosses the carton into the nearby entrée freezer. A faint "oof" is heard from the prostrate biker.
Hydrogen Guy
Come on, we'd better find Deuterium Boy
and get out of here. Oh, and grab some tomato soup while you're
here...
Suddenly, the security guard appears at the opposite end of the aisle. With him are three other guards.
Security Guard
You there! Stop!
Reaper
[apprehensive silence]
Store PA
Clean-up on aisle five. Clean-up, aisle
five.
Nicola Manos has reached the dairy aisle. She considers the rows of yogurt tubs, her mind attempting to balance the crucial issues of taste and fat content. She decides on low-fat blueberry and takes a tub from the shelf. A masked pair of eyes stare back at her through the space left by the tub. She nearly drops the tub in surprise.
Manos
What the...?!
Deuterium Boy
Oh, er... hello.
Manos
What are you doing?
Deuterium Boy
It's a funny story, actually. I was
looking for the salt-free margarine, when this rabbi come up to me
and...
Manos
Wait a minute - I recognize you. You're Deuterium
Boy, aren't you? You've been following me, haven't you?
Deuterium Boy
No, not at all. Whatever gave you that
idea?
Manos
The fact that you've been skulking around behind
me carrying a bag of flour and a box of coffee filters.
Deuterium Boy
There's a very rational explanation for
that.
Manos
Yes, you've been following me. Come out of there
before I call store security.
Suddenly, the scene shifts into slow motion. Hydrogen Guy and Reaper come around the corner, running. Close behind them are Colin, the biker, and four security guards.
Manos turns her head. Her eyes narrow. She presses her mouth into a thin line of grim determination. She reaches into her cart, tears open a box of crackers and removes a .44 with silencer.
Colin closes in on Hydrogen Guy and grabs him by the collar of his cape.
Deuterium Boy glimpse a flash of steel as Manos raises and aims the gun. He shouts "Hydrogen Guy!" and pushes his way out of dairy cooler. Shelves of yogurt scatter before him.
Hydrogen Guy slips as Colin yanks back on his collar. Deuterium Boy reaches out to stop Manos, but is a fraction of a second too late.
She fires.
Deuterium Boy's cry and the gunshot attracts the attention of the oncoming mob. Hydrogen Guy, Colin and company can only watch as death hurtles towards them.
Suddenly, there is a flash of metal. The blade of Reaper's scythe flies in front of Colin, and there is an audible crack as the bullet deflects off of it. Then a faint thud as the bullet embeds itself in a family-sized fourteen-pound block of cheddar. For a split second no one moves.
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!
Time returns to its normal speed. Deuterium Boy tackles Manos to the ground and a brief struggle ensues. The security guards rush to leave Hydrogen Guy and Reaper. A few moments later, with Deuterium Boy's help, they have her subdued. Deuterium Boy, covered in a rainbow of yogurt, holds the gun aloft and gives Hydrogen Guy a thumbs up.
Hydrogen Guy
She was after Colin?
Colin
[to Reaper] You saved my life...
Manos
His father has a hundred thousand dollar claim
against ICBC! We know he's faking, his ruptured spleen had nothing to do with
the accident! But we can't prove it! ICBC sent me to rub out his son as a
warning to drop the claim! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it
weren't for those meddling superheroes and their Grim Reaper!!
Security Guard #1
She's suffering from yogurt
shock!
Security Guard #2
Take it easy, miss. The police are on
their way.
Hydrogen Guy
I thought you said you'd leave the scythe
at home. And all this time it was in that magic pocket of yours!
Reaper shrugs and pats his scythe affectionately.
Security Guard #1
Hydrogen Guy - I'm sorry, we didn't
know you were undercover. If you'd let us know in advance...
Hydrogen Guy
Don't apologize, chief. I'm sorry we
disturbed you with our unorthodox methods. Of course it was essential that we
not tell you our plans. We didn't want Manos here to get wind of our
plans...
Security Guard #1
Of course. I understand.
Deuterium Boy
[aside] Nice save, HG.
Colin continues to stare at Reaper, amazed.
Colin
You saved my life...
Segue to a fantasy sequence - Reaper and Colin frolicking in a field of daisies as "So Happy Together" plays over them. Cut back to Colin and Reaper in the dairy aisle.
Reaper reaches into his cloak and pulls out the lemon meringue pie. He hits Colin in the face with it.
Biker
Heh. Now that's CENSORED funny.
Store PA
Clean-up in aisle nine. Clean-up, aisle nine.
At long last our heroes have reached the check-out. Deuterium Boy peruses a copy of the Weekly World News (headline: "Barney the Dinosaur's Secret Prophecies! Floods, Fires, Uncontrolled Hugging!") while Hydrogen Guy and Reaper pile dozens of Pot Noodles, fruits, vegetables, cans of tomato soup, and various other items on the conveyor belt. Finally...
Cashier
That comes to $132.54, please.
Hydrogen Guy
We're putting this on the League card,
right?
Deuterium Boy
Yeah... that's funny, I can't find my
wallet... I know I had it with me when we left the truck...
Hydrogen Guy reaches for his, and is alarmed to find that it is not in his pocket.
Hydrogen Guy
Wait, I can't find mine either... what the
- That old woman!
Deuterium Boy
You mean...?
Hydrogen Guy
The old bat lifted our wallets while we
were helping her up!! If I ever -
Deuterium Boy
Don't worry, we passed by her and her
cart and I saw Reaper replaced her Metamucil with curry powder.
Hydrogen Guy
[to Reaper] You don't have any money on
you, do you?
Reaper
[shakes his head]
Cashier
*Ahem* That's $132.54.
Hydrogen Guy looks at Deuterium Boy. Deuterium Boy looks at Reaper. Reaper looks at Hydrogen Guy.
Cut to the exterior of the store. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Reaper fly out the doors, their arms loaded down with fruits and Pot Noodles. A hoard of cashiers, security guards, and Colin the stock boy are chasing after them, as we reprise "So Happy Together".
[Music rises; fade to black. Roll credits.]