Episode 25

The Jewel of Vanier

The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch. I

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Funding. Funding, my friend, is what it all comes down to, as crass as it may be. Not even a super-intelligent lobster, such as I, bent on ridding the planet Earth of its primate infestation can escape the fact that to make anything worthwhile happen, one needs a source of funding. Very few banks offer loans for that sort of thing.

However, one of the many advantages to being a criminal mastermind is the ability to procure money through unusual channels. I decided to steal the Jewel of Vanier. Ah, you are anxious for details. Be patient. Let me, as they say, bring you up to speed...

I am called the Crustacean. That you may know from accounts of my debut in the incident popularly called "The Clock of Radishes". An ill-planned venture, unfortunately, and I had yet to learn how best to make use of my available resources. After an embarrassing defeat at the hands of Hydrogen Guy, I bided my time in a series of "safe aquaria", one might say, planning my next move and building a network of contacts. I devised a series of complex plans to gain control of certain newly developed weapons technologies, with the help of a number of powerful figures in European science. However, a run of bad luck and a near brush with a restaurant grill threw a spanner into the proverbial works. As my plans were delayed, my European collaborators informed me that unless more money appeared they would no longer be interested in the project.

I decided to turn to the human criminal element. I organized several robberies of local mafia bosses in order to acquire a portion of the money needed. The fools I hired for the jobs were only partially successful, and in addition left incriminating clues that led back to me. It was once again demonstrated that an evil mastermind is only as good as his goon squad, and I found the offended criminals making the province of British Columbia rather uncomfortable for me.

At the same time, I was making an unpleasant personal discovery. My human creator, Dr. Erik Von Vorpalstein, had endowed me with powerful telepathic abilities, including a form of mental control over weak-willed human beings. However, what Vorpalstein did not mention in the notes he left behind was that these powers waxed and waned with the lunar cycle. Circumstances dictated that several crucial interactions with humans occurred during the new moon, so I was unable to exert as powerful a control over them as I would have liked. I ascribe many of my troubles to this fact. Humans, even "geniuses" such as Vorpalstein, are idiots, and will botch any task in unpredictable ways unless closely monitored by a superior mind.

As the local mafia made itself an ever greater nuisance, I decided to temporarily absent myself from the province. I chose as my destination the capital city of Ottawa, as it was quiet enough for me to remain inconspicuous while presenting a few opportunities to acquire an influence over humans in positions of power.

It wasn't long before I had acquired a small but affordable band of followers. They were Inga Eutectic, the exotic Latvian spy late of the Soviet intelligence; Big Joe Switchboard, a dangerous rogue operator late of Bell Canada; and the nefarious Pu Wing Fu, a largely insane panda bear late of the Toronto Zoo.

The circumstances began one night in the "Duke of Somerset", a tavern of some ill-repute on Bank Street which I had made my base of operations. I was in my tank, attempting to engage in deepest thought, though constant interruptions made this difficult. Big Joe was nursing a double scotch, Inga a Bloody Mary, and Pu Wing Fu a bowl of watermelon Jello and a plate of sauerkraut, which she was combining in a most offensive way.

Waitress
Will there be anything else, Mr. Jones? I'm going on my break now.

I glared at the human and gave up my attempts to concentrate in frustration. Inga looked bored; I decided to put her to some use.

Crustacean
A newspaper for the female.

The waitress left and returned a moment later with the day's Globe and Mail..

Waitress
Here you are.

Inga
Thank you, my dear.

Big Joe
Hey, can I have the sports?

Inga
Be my guest.

Inga was nearly impossible to control, even when I was at my peak power. Her Soviet training had made her resistant to all but the most trivial mental tampering - so far I had done little else but persuade her to stop using her noxious cologne. However, she was one of the few humans to carry out my directive flawlessly and efficiently. I admired her as much as I could any inferior creature.

Crustacean
Tell me, Inga, anything of interest today?

Inga
Nothing but the repulsive face of Hydrogen Guy plastered across the front page.

Big Joe
Hmf. Tell me he was found dead, please.

Big Joe, on the other hand, was imminently malleable. Thus far, however, I had little occasion to bend him to my will, as like Inga, the ex-Bell operator was highly effective in his work.

Inga
No such luck, darling. He's credited with rescuing the Canadian dollar from a band of counterfeiters in Saskatchewan. .

Crustacean
Blast him. It sounds like the Gopher Militia's work. What do you expect from rodents, anyway?

Pu Wing Fu
More sauerkraut, please!

Pu Wing Fu is the most maddening of all. Not only was I unable to affect her even in the slightest, even at maximum power I was unable to detect any thoughts from her at all. If she wasn't capable of staggering acts of violence I wouldn't have kept her around at all.

Big Joe
I thought you pandas ate nothin' but bamboo.

Pu Wing Fu
Who said I was a panda?

Big Joe
Nobody said it, that's just what you are!

Pu Wing Fu
I am not a panda, I am an Indonesian Gibbon.

Big Joe
You are too a panda!

Pu Wing Fu
I never said I wasn't.

Big Joe
You did too, just now!

Pu Wing Fu
Brrreeep!

Inga
Leave her alone, she's a nut... hey, wait a minute...

Big Joe
Whatsa matter, you a gibbon too, now?

Inga
Shut up, Joe. Say, cuddle claws, how's our money situation?

Crustacean
In truth, inadequate. I've had to kill my broker. A shame, really, he dressed very well.

Inga
Listen to this, sweetie... "Security around the Canadian National Museum of Obscure and Valuable Objects will be substantially increased for the two-week exhibit of the Jewel of Vanier, estimated to be worth $150 million."

Pu Wing Fu
Wow... imagine all the linoleum that would buy... I bet I could cover all of Prince Edward Island!

Crustacean
And 15% of Cape Breton as well. Read on, Inga.

Inga
"The historic gem, a rare paisley emerald much sought after by cash-strapped super-villains, is on loan from the Vanier Fraternal Order of Addled Millionaires. The exhibit will begin Friday afternoon with a special unveiling. Tea will be served."

Crustacean
Inga, you have peaked my interest.

Inga
[sighs] Oh, darling, if only you were an Addled Millionaire.

Pu Wing Fu
So we're going for tea?

Big Joe
No, furrball, we're gonna heist the Jewel.

Pu Wing Fu
But can we have tea first?

Crustacean
Truly, my friends, this is a great windfall for us. Nothing could be simpler than stealing this trinket. Provided, of course, that we prevent three eventualities.

Pu Wing Fu
Does it say what kind of tea? I like Darjeeling.

Inga
Shut up, Pu. The lobster's talking.

Pu Wing Fu
[under her breath] Whoever heard of a talking lobster...

Crustacean
[ignoring her] One: That we prevent the increase in security mentioned in the article. Two: Pu Wing Fu does not electrocute any more mail carriers.

Pu Wing Fu
It's the voices! The voices made me do it!! AAUGH! The voices!!

Big Joe
I'll increase her dosage.

Crustacean
Three, and most importantly: Hydrogen Guy and his minions must not interfere.

Big Joe
There's the biggie.

Inga
Don't worry, darling, I have every one of his contacts watched very carefully. If he farts, I know before he does.

Crustacean
A pleasantly vivid image, thank you.

Inga
He doesn't even know you're in Ottawa. If we move quickly enough we can steal the jewel and be in the Cayman Islands before the Diatomic Duo suspect a thing.

Crustacean
Excellent. We will begin the operation Friday with an inspection of the Gallery premises.

By Friday I had arranged four invitations to the unveiling for my alias and his three deaf-mute cousins. The Canadian National Museum of Obscure and Valuable Things is located within sight of the Parliament buildings in Ottawa's Byward Market area. It is a three story building, whose architecture makes an admirable effort to be Gothic, but fails. It is not a museum popular with tourists, except for the occasional eccentric antiquarian and foreign correspondents looking for offbeat human interest stories. On this day, however, the museum had managed to draw a crowd even larger than the day in 1982 that (so I was told by a decrepit tour guide) a busload of German tourists mistook it for the National Stamp Museum.

The museum's main gallery was a throng filled with local, national, and American reporters, distinguished local personages and guests, and a smattering of Addled Millionaires. In the centre of the room was a podium and a display case, covered with a satin cloth.

We mingled cautiously while giving the room and the building a thorough inspection. While Big Joe, Inga and Pu Wing Fu carried out the necessary footwork, I talked with my connection - an Addled Millionaire named Wesley Wentworth-Higgins (of the Manotick Wentworth-Higginses)...

Wentworth-Higgins
Dashed good of you to make it, Jonesy. Awfully English.

Crustacean
Think nothing of it, Higgins. After all, we were at school together.

Wentworth-Higgins
As you say. Though, still, I'm dashed if I remember you. But all for old Eastlands, what?

I suppressed a shudder. It was creatures like this who encouraged me to genocide. Wentworth-Higgins, although certainly Addled, was no Millionaire. His fortune had evaporated in the crash of '87, and his accountants had yet to inform him. I discovered this to my chagrin after his chief accountant prevented me from cashing a cheque for two million British pounds. I refrained from terminating his existence because I had sensed he still may be useful to me.

Wentworth-Higgins
Spanking good buffets that they offer at these things. Don't see any lobster this time, though, which is a bit of a disappoint.

Crustacean
Not at all. The eating of lobster, my dear Higgins, is nearly always deleterious.

Wentworth-Higgins
Delly what?

Crustacean
Bad for you.

Wentworth-Higgins
Not really?

Crustacean
Certainly, it is. It's worse than smoking.

Wentworth-Higgins
I say, no!

Crustacean
Thirty-thousand lobster related deaths every year. The eating of lobster, Higgins, can cause anything from impotence and gangrenous lesions on the lungs to explosive bowel infections.

Wentworth-Higgins
Explosive?

Crustacean
Yes, often dramatically so. I remember one case --

Wentworth-Higgins
Please, Jonesy, I beg you! Listen, is it really that bad?

Crustacean
Worse. Have you never heard of "mad lobster disease"? It causes the brain to degenerate into a foetid porridge. Progressive and very rapid decay of the mental faculties.

Wentworth-Higgins
Say no more, Jonesy, I shall never let lobster pass my lips again. If there's one thing I should ever hate to lose, it's my formidable wits.

Crustacean
Indeed. To deprive the Earth of your genius would be a great tragedy.

Wentworth-Higgins
Really, Jonesy, you're too much.

Big Joe
Hey, Crustacean...

Crustacean
Jones. I am Mr. Jones. I sell women's shoes in Nepean.

Big Joe
Right, whatever. I took a look around...

Wentworth-Higgins
I say, who's this, Jonesy?

Crustacean
One of my cousins from Guatemala. He's deaf-mute, do not attempt to speak with him.

Wentworth-Higgins
Oh! I say, that's a dashed shame. Odd, he doesn't have your swarthy complexion, though.

Crustacean
He's from the north country. Leave us now, Higgins.

Wentworth-Higgins
Oh, right ho. I'll visit the buffet.

The simpleton bounded off, leaving me to talk with my aide.

Crustacean
Joseph.

Big Joe
Yeah. I was sayin', I took a look around. The whole security system ties into a series of DSL connections. It's top notch Bell stuff.

Crustacean
You can disable it?

Big Joe
Yeah, I can make it so no signal gets off-site. I can do it from a pay phone.

Crustacean
Excellent. Pu Wing Fu and Inga can easily eliminate any on-site security personnel. Ah, here they are now.

Inga
My darlings, I think they're starting.

A crowd had gathered around the podium. Several senior Addled Millionaires and museum officials gathered behind the podium. One of them - presumably the curator - stepped up to the microphone and had begun speaking.

Crustacean
Were you successful?

Inga
I placed the whoopee cushions full of knock-out gas all over the security guard's station. We'll activate them by remote after we break in. Pu can play with any we miss.

Pu Wing Fu
We'll have a tea party! With knives!

Crustacean
Well done, Inga. Joe, help me down from this statue. Pu Wing Fu, put the fire extinguisher back where you found it.

We joined the crowd at a spot near the back. I perched on Big Joe's head, giving me a clear view of the proceedings.

Curator
... furthermore, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Vanier Fraternal Order of Addled Millionaires, particularly the Right Honourable C. P. Wiffledon-Brown, for allowing the Museum to display the gem for these few weeks. Additional thanks must also be extended to the Vanier-Surrey Municipal Friendship Society and Yacht Club, the Ottawa-Carleton Regional Octopus Phancier's Club, and of course special thanks to Renée Lamouché for the sheep dip....

Big Joe
[whisper] Jeez, think we'd have time to see a movie before this moof was finished?

Crustacean
[whisper] Hush!

Curator
And speaking of Linda, I'm reminded of what George Bernard Shaw once said...

Pu Wing Fu
[whisper] Anybody want gum?

Crustacean
[whisper] Shhh!!

Big Joe
[whisper] What flavour is it?

Pu Wing Fu
[whisper] Zesty Spinach.

Inga
[whisper] Did you say "spinach"?

Big Joe
[whisper] What the hell kinda flavour is that? Who makes spinach-flavoured gum?

Inga
[whisper] I wasn't sure spinach really had a flavour.

Pu Wing Fu
[whisper] It's very zesty!

Crustacean
[whisper] Shut up! All of you, shut up!!

Curator
... the gnocchi. And now, without any further ado, it is my great pleasure to unveil for you, for the first public display in Canada this century, the Jewel of Vanier!

He pulled the cloth from the display case next to him.

Crowd
Ooooh! Aaaah!

There it was - the unreasonably large, perfectly cut paisley gem that had haunted my dreams for the past two days. It seemed to shine with a inner light, making its paisley design shimmer like a glossy polyester tie. Had I salivary glands, I would have drooled. My colleagues had no such restrictions.

Inga
Leapin' Lenin, what a rock!

Pu Wing Fu
Oooh... it's better than spinach, better than linoleum... it's even better than Elvis!

Big Joe
Man! I ain't never seen anything so paisley in my life. It's like my Uncle Vinny in rock form. Only it's worth somethin'.

Crustacean
Yes, it is truly of superior quality. It surpasses all expectations. This settles it... I must possess that gem. It is the windfall we've been searching for...

Reporter #1
Mr. Curator! What about the special OPP detachment that's supposed to be guarding the Jewel?

Curator
We expect them to arrive this afternoon - there's been a slight delay in the paperwork. Rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, this priceless treasure is safe.

Reporter #2
What about the super-villain threat, Mr. Curator? There's been five attempts on the Jewel in the last twenty years. Aren't you concerned that this exhibit will be a temptation?

Curator
Absolutely not. The relative dangers of so-called "super-villains" is exaggerated in the public's mind. This is absolutely, positively, not a danger that we are in any way concerned about. At all. Everyone, don't forget to have a look in our Museum Gift Shop! There's lots of "Jewel of Vanier" merchandise and balloons for the kids!

Big Joe
Heh. So all that stands between us and the rock is the provincial fuzz.

Crustacean
And they are delayed. Excellent. We must act quickly to ensure that the delay will last until tomorrow night.

Reporter #1
Excuse me, sir - Wolfgang Rockmey, CGIT News channel 39. Can I get your reaction on the Jewel of Vanier?

Crustacean
What?

Big Joe
It's a reporter, chief.

Crustacean
Oh, ah ha ha, of course. I am Mr. Jones, I sell women's shoes in Nepean. Yes! And these are my tragically deaf-mute cousins from Guatemala. We're all very fascinated by your wonderful jewel. Yes, fascinated, in a completely innocent way. Or what I mean to say is, impressed. But we really must be going and I see you have many other citizens to interview...

Reporter #2
One other question, Mr. Jones...

Crustacean
Enough! Begone, fool!

Big Joe shoved the reporter aside.

Reporter #2
Hey! [muttering] Jeez, what a crab...

Crustacean
I AM NOT A CRAB, I AM A LOBSTER! Or, rather, a shoe salesman! A perfectly ordinary human shoe salesman. From Nepean. Now, good day!

We left quickly, without any further problems, and returned to our base of operations.

We made plans to steal the jewel that night. Or, more accurately, I formulated our brilliant strategy over a dinner of Plankton Cordon Bleu, while Inga and Big Joe attempted to coax Pu Wing Fu off the fire escape. After dinner, while relaxing in my tank, I made a phone call.

Crustacean
The Premier of Ontario, please.

Secretary
I'm sorry, sir, the Premier isn't taking an calls.

Crustacean
My name is Jones. From Nepean.

Secretary
Oh, Mr. Jones, I apologize. Hold one moment, please.

I was briefly amused by "Boxcar Willie's Tribute to the Sex Pistols", before being transferred to the Premier's personal line.

Premier
Heeey, Crusty, how ya doin'?

Crustacean
I trust your line is secure?

Premier
Yeah, yeah, Big Joey fixed me up good, know what I mean? So what can I do for youse? Youse got some social programs youse want me to cut?

Crustacean
Not exactly, Mr. Premier...

Premier
Cause youse just gotta says the word, Crusty. These teachers, lemme tell ya, they's startin' to get on my nerves.

Crustacean
Just a small matter, Mr. Premier.

Premier
Youse just gotta says the word, Crusty.

Crustacean
I need the Ontario Provincial Police detachment destined for the Museum of Obscure and Valuable Things delayed until tomorrow night.

Premier
You want some paperwork lost, is that it?

Crustacean
What ever it takes, Mr. Premier.

Premier
Yeah, yeah, sure, Crusty. Anything you say.

Crustacean
Just make sure that there are no police present tonight.

Premier
No problem, no problem. Ehh, if you don' mind my askin', what's up? Youse plannin' to snatch that big rock tonight?

Crustacean
I couldn't tell you that Mr. Premier. I wouldn't dream of compromising your political integrity.

Premier
Hah hah hah hah hah! Heey, that's a good one, Crusty. Hah hah! I gotta remember to use that one next time them media types is givin' me the business at Queen's Park!

Crustacean
Remember, Mr. Premier - no police at the museum.

Premier
Sure thing, Crusty. Youse know I owes you for that stuff youse did for me an' my boys. Youse can count on me.

Crustacean
Good-bye, Mr. Premier.

Premier
Ciao, Crusty.

We arrived back at the Museum shortly after midnight. There was no sign of any OPP or other police forces. Big Joe parked our van bearing Bell Canada markings across the street from the museum. The plan was for Big Joe to take down the security system from a nearby pay-phone while Inga and Pu Wing Fu waited on the roof of the building. Once the system was down, they would enter the building from the roof and eliminate any remaining guards, then let us in through the front door. Despite the waning moon, I was taking no chances.

Crustacean
You all know what you have to do?

Inga
Of course, darling.

Big Joe
Yeah, chief.

Pu Wing Fu
Check.

Crustacean
Excellent. No go, my friends. The Jewel awaits.

Joe swung open the door of the van and the panda and Inga leapt out. Within seconds they were across the street and around the corner of the building. Bother were excellent cat burglars, despite Pu Wing Fu's tendency to become fascinated with flagpoles. Joe, I noticed, was having some trouble climbing out of the van.

Crustacean
Joseph.

Big Joe
Yeah?

Crustacean
Are your limbs disabled?

Big Joe
Huh? Oh, yeah... nah, chief, it's just all these damn quarters I got in my pockets. For the pay phone. They're kinda weighing me down.

He jumped onto the sidewalk with a ponderous KA-CHINK.

Crustacean
Of course. Carry on.

Thirteen and a half minutes later, Joe signaled from the pay-phone that he was successful. Two minutes later, an LED on the van's console indicated that Inga had activated the whoopee cushions full of knock-out gas. Seven minutes and twenty seconds later we met her and the bear at the front door.

Crustacean
The security guards?

Inga
Got them all with the whoopee cushions.

Pu Wing Fu
I didn't get to kill anyone! It isn't fair!

Crustacean
The night is yet young, my fine furry friend.

Big Joe
Hey, I still got enough quarters for a couple hours of video games after.

Inga
Wonderful, darling. What took you so long with that damned thing? Pu Wing Fu was singing show tunes. I was dying up there.

Pu Wing Fu
Maybe because your act wasn't very good.

Crustacean
Enough! Quickly, we must get the Jewel and escape.

We moved rapidly and stealthily through the Museum. We passed many other treasures - golden Aztec and Egyptian statuary depicting little known gods, Renaissance paintings by forgotten masters, yellowed German manuscripts of theosophy, Lucien Bouchard's wooden legs - but none could tempt us from our goal, the fabulous wealth of the Jewel of Vanier. We approached the gallery we had left that afternoon.

Inga
Pu Wing and I took a quick look around. All security systems are unresponsive.

Big Joe
They'll be that way for an hour. Plenty of time for us.

Crustacean
Just ahead - the Jewel is in here...

We turned the corner, and lo! Even in the weak moonlight filtering through the skylight, the green and red gem shone brilliantly beneath its inert security case. The paisley designs swam before our eyes like amoebas on ruby microscope slide. So enchanted were we by the gem, we failed to notice anything amiss in the room.

Big Joe
It's all ours.

Crustacean
Inga... bring me the Jewel.

Inga
I'm afraid I can't do that, darling.

Crustacean
What? Obey me, human!

I reached out with my mind but was rebuffed by her defenses. Damn the crescent moon! Suddenly I heard a footstep behind us. I prodded Joe to turn around - and we met my enemy.

Crustacean
Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Right-ho, Jonesy, old boy.

Crustacean
You! You - fooled me into thinking you were that knute Wesley Wentworth-Higgins! You and this female entrapped me!

Inga
I'm afraid so, darling. I've been a double agent this whole time, working for both you and the SHVD.

Hydrogen Guy
I've been on your tail since you ran afoul of the Balabanian Circle back in Maple Ridge, Crustacean. I have to admit I almost lost you when you left the province, but Comrade Eutectic offered the SHVD her services at just the right time.

Crustacean
You traitorous wench!!

Inga
It's how the game is played, darling - I'm a spy, after all. And I knew I'd see more money from the SHVD than I ever would from you and that gem. Keep that in mind, sweeties, when you work for an invertebrate.

Hydrogen Guy
So, Crustacean - are you going to give in and come along quietly, or will you make this hard for me?

Crustacean
My greatest joy is making your life harder, Hydrogen Guy. Big Joe, Pu Wing Fu - get them!

I leaped from Joe's shoulder to the top of a nearby cabinet. Pu Wing Fu gave an ungodly yell and drew her Katanna of Blood. She lunged for Inga. One cut from the Katanna's blade is deadly - it is coated with the secretions of a rare and deadly Chilean goat. Inga dived for the bear's knees, barely missing the deadly blade. After a flurry of moves worthy of a professional wrestler, Inga had Pu Wing Fu around the waist and was swinging her around. She let go and Pu Wing Fu collided with a large Oriental vase on the other side of the room.

Inga
Eat Ming, singing Pu Wing!

Big Joe was not doing nearly so well against Hydrogen Guy....

Big Joe
Ooof!

Big Joe
Aaagh!!

Big Joe
Huuuh-uh!

My supposed muscle-man crashed to the floor.

Hydrogen Guy
And that, Big Joe Switchboard, is what you get for trying to stomp on my cape! Now, my spiny aquatic friend, let's go Downtown.

Crustacean
Not in this episode, Hydrogen Guy. As expected for a creature of my startling intellect, I have a surprise for you.

My body exploded with the power of a half pound of plastic explosives and a rush of choking blue smoke. It was not, of course, actually I who exploded. I had been safely monitoring the situation from the van the entire time, relying on an android - or, rather, lobsteroid - duplicate of myself to be my eyes, ears, voice and feelers. My lack of mental control over Pu Wing Fu and Inga made me cautious, so only Big Joe had been privy to this situation. I apologize for misleading you, my friends, but even a lobster may have a flair for the dramatic, no?

By the time the smoke cleared, our enemies found the room strangely empty. The lobsteroid's audio circuits remained intact so I was able to follow their reactions.

Hydrogen Guy
*cough* What the hell -- ?

Inga
The Jewel of Vanier! It's gone!

Hydrogen Guy
So it is - and so are the villains. Nice trick, Crustacean...

High praise, Hydrogen Guy. Big Joe, of course, had stolen the gem, roused Pu Wing Fu and slipped out of the main gallery in the confusion. When not weighed down by twenty pounds of quarters, he can be tremendously agile.

Big Joe met me moments later. He hurled Pu Wing Fu and the Jewel of Vanier into the van, climbed in and started the motor.

Crustacean
You have it! Excellent work, Big Joe. You will be amply rewarded. Get us away from here!

Big Joe
Right!

I spotted Hydrogen Guy rushing out of the Museum just as Big Joe gunned the motor and we sped away. I could hear the sirens of police cars approaching from the distance, but was unconcerned. The driver was an expert at eluding pursuers. My sole concern was for our prize.

Crustacean
Pu Wing Fu! Hand me the Jewel. I want to see it.

Pu Wing Fu
Oof... my head's fine, chief, thanks for asking.

Crustacean
The Jewel! This instant!

Pu Wing Fu
All right, all right...

She picked it up off the seat and tossed it in her paw.

Pu Wing Fu
Hey, it's a lot lighter than it looks.

Crustacean
Just give it to me!!

Pu Wing Fu
Here!

She tossed it up front. I caught it in my claw.

Crustacean
Oh ho ho... it is exquisite. Hydrogen Guy, that fool, thought he was setting me up, but I have his precious treasure nonetheless! When this is auctioned to my collector friends in Asia, our first task will be to hunt down and kill the traitor Eutectic...

Pu Wing Fu
Hey what's that on the back?

Crustacean
What?

Pu Wing Fu
On the wide end - it looks like there's something stuck to it.

I turned the Jewel over and gazed at what was cluttering the Jewel's exquisite surface. My vision clouded as I fought back my fury. I squeezed the thing in my claw until it fractured and splintered into a spray of shards and powder.

Big Joe
HEY! Watch it, I'm tryin' to drive here! You could hurt somebody that way! Hey! That was - what the hell you'd do that for?!

Crustacean
It was a price tag.

Big Joe
What - you mean it was a frickin' fake?!

Crustacean
That's why I find you useful, Joseph, you point out what is tragically obvious so well it makes me want to pinch your dull, globular eyes out. Yes, it's a fake -one of the $30 glass models the gift shop sells to housewives for their knickknack shelves. Had I been there in person, I would likely have spotted the difference. I have been foiled by that Hydrogenous buffoon and my own infernal cleverness.

Pu Wing Fu
Bummer. Can we stop for ice cream? I'm suddenly in the mood for a banana split.

Crustacean
Joe, push Pu Wing Fu out of the van at the next Dairy Queen.

Big Joe
Right, chief.

Yes, my friend, funding is the key to any endeavour. With adequate funds, one can install the best quality cameras on one's robot duplicates, instead of relying on what is available at Radio Shack. And most importantly, one can hire COMPETENT, TRUST-WORTHY henchmen!

Now begone. I need to soak in my tank.

[Roll credits; fade to black]