Episode 25
Chaos Wears A Red Bow Tie
The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch.II
...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
It's one of those classically beautiful fall days in Maple Ridge - the sun is warm, the leaves have exploded from the trees in a meltdown of oranges, yellows and browns, and the local yahoos have brought their radios and blaring country music inside for the winter. An ideal day for Deuterium Boy to bring Official Business from the murky depths of the Hydrogen Cave out onto the well-concealed Hydrogen Patio. Official business, of course, consisting of a heavy water mochaccino and the novel "Scantily Clad Dragon Amazons of Xandara" by Jordan S. Thrustly.
The patio door slides open, and Deuterium Boy looks up at the new arrival. It takes some getting used to, he thinks, having her cluttering up the place. She is pyrotechnically blonde. She has naturally curly-haired, and a body that would make Hugh Hefner feel his age. Her costume is a short red skirt and blouse with poofy sleeves, pink highlights and sequins. The tail of a gossamer pink cape swirls around knees and just above the tops of her vinyl red boots. The collar of the cape is accented by a feathery pink collar, giving it almost a boa-like effect. A futuristic yellow "He" is blazoned distractingly across her chest. The look is completed by the fruity toy-umbrella drink in her hand and the vacant pout on her face.
Deuterium Boy
Helium Girl. Join me for the morning
mochaccino break?
She flops down in a patio chair next to Deuterium Boy and heaves a telling sigh.
Helium Girl
It's a, like, cranberry helium
fizz.
Deuterium Boy
Fizz break, then.
Helium Girl
Whatever!
She slurps her drink with the manner of a woman about to come to the point.
Helium Girl
So, like, Deuterium Boy....
Deuterium Boy
Helium Girl - I'm sorry, I know you're
new, and it's just one more thing you have to remember - but please, call me the
Deuterium Avenger.
Helium Girl
Oh, What Ever! You need to, like, so
get over yourself!
Deuterium Boy
Excuse me?
Helium Girl
You're, like, Deuterium BOY, okay? It says
Deuterium BOY on your, like, League membership card, and the whole world knows you as, like, Deuterium BOY. And if I have to be Helium GIRL, you're going to be Deuterium BOY.
Deuterium Boy
It makes us sound like we're the Osmonds
or something.
Helium Girl
The who?
Deuterium Boy
No, the Who's on first.
Helium Girl
There you go getting all, like,
intellectual again with that Shakespeare stuff.
Deuterium Boy
While Hydrogen Guy's away, I think it's
the perfect time for me to establish my own image as serious, dark-toned
vigilante of Justice. Less Adam West, more Michael Keaton. Your time will come,
Helium Girl, but for now it's time to pay your dues as a sidekick.
Helium Girl
Big fat W-Whatever. Listen, can we at
least, like, move to different headquarters? Like someplace bright and trendy?
English Bay maybe?
Deuterium Boy
No. The Hydrogen Cave is perfect as it
is. Bright and trendy doesn't fit the Deuterium Avenger image.
Helium Girl
The damp is taking all the curl out of my
naturally curly hair!
Deuterium Boy
Just use extra conditioner or
something.
Helium Girl
What the hell does a cave have to do with,
like, hydrogen, anyway?
Deuterium Boy
Nothing, but the price was right. The
people who were running it as a recording studio weren't making any money off
it. The acoustics are terrible.
Just then, a telephone rings inside. Helium Girl listens carefully, trying to judge the acoustics herself. Suddenly, the synapses connect.
Helium Girl
Ohmygod! It's the super-secret Hydrogen
Phone! Should I, like, get it?
Deuterium Boy
Let the machine get it. Drink your
fizz.
The ringing stops and the answering machine beeps. The message is in Deuterium Boy's voice.
Answering Machine
Hello! You've reached the Hydrogen
Cave. We can't answer the phone right now due to a Crisis of Galactic
Proportions, but if you leave a message, we'll listen to it later and laugh.
*BEEP!*
Voice
Dave, it's Rob, your editor! Pick up the
phone!
Helium Girl
We have, like, an editor?
Deuterium Boy
It's a "fourth wall" thing.
Voice
I know it's your coffee break! C'mon, this is
important!
Deuterium Boy puts down his book and coffee and dashes inside. Helium Girl follows him out of curiosity, sipping her fizz.
Deuterium Boy picks up the bright red phone.
Deuterium Boy
Rob, what's up? Is it ICBC?
Rob
Good news, Dave, I just got off the phone with
Jerry down in promotions and he's got you and Yolanda booked for tomorrow night
on "Staying Up Late with Steve Sheldon"!
Deuterium Boy blinks twice, digesting the news.
Deuterium Boy
Okay... Rob, uh, don't you think we
should be doing something more important than appearing on a talk show? Like
tracking and recapturing Battle Armour Bob?
Helium Girl
Is that what we're supposed to be
doing?
Deuterium Boy shushes her.
Rob
Oh ho ho, you're one to talk, Mr. Five Coffee
Breaks a Day. Look, I know that Battle Armour Bob is still on the loose after
breaking out of the UBC Asylum, but it's just one afternoon!
Deuterium Boy
I don't know, Rob. What would HG
say?
Rob
They don't get Sheldon in Ontario, he won't say
anything. Hey, DB, you could try springing that new "Deuterium Avenger" schtick
of yours. It'd be quite the debut...
Deuterium Boy
Oh, all right. I'm on holiday from the
Institute anyway...
Rob
You won't regret it, DB. With HG out of the picture
for now, you and Helium Girl are gonna be the Hot New Thing! Seriously, the
public's dying to have a look at you two. Sheldon's people were virtually
begging for you two to come on the show! Begging, Dave!
Deuterium Boy
Right, right, right, I said okay,
Rob.
Rob
Be at the studio at two tomorrow for the taping.
Think of some witty anecdotes that don't involve death or Hydrogen
Guy.
Deuterium Boy
Good-bye, Rob.
Rob
Çiao, DB.
Deuterium Boy hangs up the phone.
Deuterium Boy
Boy, he's in full "Hollywood" mode
today.
Helium Girl
What's up?
Deuterium Boy
They've got us booked on Steve Sheldon
tomorrow.
Helium Girl
GET OUT! Are you serious?! Ohmygod that's
so exciting! Like, what am I going to wear?
Deuterium Boy
What are you... what do you think
you're going to wear?
Helium Girl
Huh? Oh, nuh-uh. No way. Not this. Not the
costume.
Deuterium Boy
Of course, the costume! Do the words
"secret identity" mean anything to you?
Helium Girl
But, like, DB, this is Sheldon! Half of
everyone who matters will be watching! Isn't there, like, an evening gown
version or something? Like that's all kind of swishy and with a slit up the
leg...
Deuterium Boy
No! Besides, you look good in the
costume. It, you know, shows off all the right, um, you look good in the
costume! Trust me!
Helium Girl
Fine. But I'm not wearing the stupid
hat.
[Intro Theme Music]
We pan into a typical talk show set. Stephen Sheldon, chat show host extraordinaire, is sitting behind a desk on the stage, beside which sit two comfy chairs. Behind Steve is a snazzy backdrop of the Vancouver skyline at night. The audience applauds over-enthusiastically.
Steve
Hey! Welcome back. This is "Staying Up Late",
which would make me Steve Sheldon. Later tonight on the program we'll have
celebrity proctologist Dr. David Bootës, the latest wanker to get voted off
the island on "Survivor", and the ever popular Manly Bike Tricks.
The audience cheers wildly.
Steve
Ho! Hey! Yes! It's a really great show. How about
Zack Chilton and the Staying Up Late Kamikaze Orchestra?
The audience cheers wildly once again. The band leader, dressed in a cheesy blue vinyl suit, bows.
Steve
How are you doing tonight, Zack?
Zack
I'm great, Steve.
Steve
Really.
Zack
I'm in a great mood.
Steve
What makes you so bloody happy?
Zack
I'm just really excited about tonight's
show.
Steve
Am I paying you too much, Zack?
Zack
I'd never accuse you of that, Steve.
Steve
Shut your gob, Zack.
Zack
Ha ha ha!
Steve
Stupid git... anyway, my first guests tonight are
on the Cutting Edge, as it were, of Super-Herodom. They are the latest duo to
give Maple Ridge's supervillains the hard-core willies and, wow, what a pair of
legs. Hers aren't bad either! Please give a warm "Staying Up Late" welcome to
Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl!
Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl walk on from stage right to more enthusiastic audience applause. Deuterium Boy walks on-stage first, and the timbre of the applause increases greatly when Helium Girl appears. They cross the stage to the chair's by Sheldon's desk. Sheldon gets up and shakes Deuterium Boy, and then returns Helium Girl's demure curtsey. The nouveau Diatomic Duo sit in the comfy chairs as the host sits back down at his desk.
Steve
Hey, big fella.
Deuterium Boy
Hi, Steve.
Helium Girl
Hi! Hi Zack!
Zack
Hi, Helium Girl.
Steve
Don't talk to him, he'll think we like him or
something. Welcome to the mind-buggeringly big programme!
Helium Girl
Thank you!
Deuterium Boy
You mean "program", don't you?
Steve
They're pronounced the same.
Zack
Ha ha! Yes!
Steve
Zack, once more and I'm coming over there and
ramming that sax down your festering hole.
Zack
Sorry, Steve.
Steve
Now, where were we... So how are you two lovely
people tonight?
Deuterium Boy
Just great, Steve.
Helium Girl
I am, like, so totally excited to be
here!
Steve
You do seem rather chuffed.
Helium Girl
Yah, but I'm using some creme for
it.
Deuterium Boy
He said "chuffed", not "chafed". It means
"excited".
Helium Girl
I knew that, DB, I was trying to, like,
make a joke!
Steve
Yeah, DB. You're such a boring sod.
Deuterium Boy
Bite me, Steve.
Steve
During the commercial, sweetie. It's just a big
ol' lovefest on the show tonight! So, give us the update, Deuterium
Boy...
Deuterium Boy
Actually, Steve, these days I'm being
known as the Deuterium Avenger.
Steve
What?
Deuterium Boy
The Deuterium Avenger.
Steve
That isn't on my note cards.
Deuterium Boy
It's a new focus for me.
Steve
It makes you sound like a bloody wanker. As I was
saying, your partner Hydrogen Guy is in Ottawa, is that correct?
Deuterium Boy
That's right.
Steve
The nation's capital. Lovely city. Smells like a
sewer in the summer, doesn't it?
Deuterium Boy
Well...
Steve
So why is he there? You two didn't break up did
you?
Deuterium Boy
No, no...
Steve
I always thought you made a cute
couple.
Helium Girl giggles. Deuterium Boy gives her a withering look which is completely ineffective.
Deuterium Boy
I can't really say what he's doing there.
It's what we in the business call "A Special Project".
Steve
A "Special Project".
Deuterium Boy
Yes.
Steve
That sounds very impressive.
Deuterium Boy
Oh well, it's meant to.
Steve
So he's actually playing golf, is that it?
Deuterium Boy
No, no...
Steve
Sitting on his fat Hydrogen Arse and slugging
back hot chocolates.
Zack
Ha ha!
Steve
I'm warning you, Zack...
Deuterium Boy
No, nothing like that. It's a very
important mission, that's all I can say.
Steve
You can bet your little orange cape he'll put a
stop to this Deuterium Avenger bollocks when he comes back.
Helium Girl giggles again. Deuterium Boy elbows her in the ribs.
Deuterium Boy
Well, you have to admit, Steve, it's
difficult for a super-hero of my stature to be taken seriously being called
"Boy".
Steve
You're actually three months older than Hydrogen
Guy, aren't you?
Deuterium Boy
Exactly my point.
Steve
You'll have to get a new costume, I think.
Something in black would suit.
Helium Girl
Yeah, with little spikes all over to make
you, like, look like a bad-ass.
Deuterium Boy
Exactly!
Steve
And written in big gold letters right across your
chest, "WANKER MAN".
Deuterium Boy
Am I going to have to get isotopic on
you?
Steve
Easy big fella! Just giving you a hard time, DB.
You know you're one of our favourite super-heroes around here.
Deuterium Boy
Thank you.
Steve
So, where was I? Right... so now with Hydrogen
Guy in Ottawa, duty requires you to seek a new sidekick, and you found the very
lovely and talented Helium Girl.
Helium Girl
Thank you!
Steve
Not at all, it's my job to pander to guests. You
used to be a model, didn't you?
Helium Girl
Yah, totally.
Steve
You did covers for Cosmo, Wallpaper, Vanity Fair,
Maxim, MacAddict, all those big names. What happened then, how did you go from
supermodel to superhero?
Helium Girl
Well, like, it's kind of embarrassing? So,
like, I was doing all this stuff, like you said, and my agent come to me and
says, "Hey babe, we could get a lot more work for you if you, you know, got
breast implants."
Steve
You're kidding.
Helium Girl
No way! But I was, like, totally against
it, cause I was just totally fabulous the way I was, right? And I just totally
totally refused to get those silicone ones, that like leaked all over the place
and felt really weird, so I'm told, so I was all "No way."
Steve
Okay. Very sensible of you.
Helium Girl
So then the agency came to me and said,
"How about you try these new experimental helium implants, and if you don't like
them we can take them right out, no scarring or anything," and I was like,
welll..., and then they showed me some pictures and it looked pretty cool,
actually, they just sort of inflate you and you're automatically all
extra-bouncy and extra-perky and extra-everything. So I said, okay, I'll try it
out.
Steve
Uh huh.
Helium Girl
But, like, they never told me that no one
had ever had these things before, like, for real.
Steve
Really?
Helium Girl
Totally! So I didn't know this, right, and
they put these things in my boobs, and then after they said, "We wanna run some
tests on you, put you through this MRI" and I'm like, "What? Well I guess." So
they stick me in this machine, and I'm lying there, right, with this thing
scanning me, when suddenly there's this weird power surge! And, like, the MRI
just goes, like, bazoo, and I get this lethal dose of radiation. And then all
the power's out, like in the whole hospital, and they rush in here and they're
all like "ohmygod, she's dead", but I wasn't! I was still alive and they were
all like totally baffled.
Steve
Much like we are right now.
Helium Girl
But it didn't kill me, obviously, but this
power surge, like, altered my molecular structure and made the helium in my
boobs bind with my karma...
Steve
... which gave you the super-powers of
helium.
Helium Girl
Yah! So then I was like, all freaked out,
and all this Top Secret stuff happened that I can't tell you about, and I met a
bunch of freaky people like Deuterium Boy, and here I am!
Steve
And you are very much... here. You know, after a
story like that, I think it's time for a break. We'll be right back with more
Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl!
The audience applauds and cheers as the show goes to commercial.
Steve
Hey, thanks again for coming on the show, you
two.
Deuterium Boy
No problem.
Steve
No offense at the "Wanker Man" crack.
Deuterium Boy
Sure, none taken.
Steve
These bastards'll eat you alive if you don't rib
the guests a little. God, how I hate studio audiences. Bunch of jackals. Excuse
me, I have to take a colossal piss.
He gets up and walks off. Helium Girl and Deuterium Boy remain in the comfy chairs.
Helium Girl
So that was okay, right? I didn't, like,
give too much away in my story?
Deuterium Boy
Huh? Naw, it sounded fine to me. The
public loves an origin story. All the superhero comics always start with an
origin story. I can't think of any that don't.
Helium Girl
You don't think they'll, like, hate me
cause I'm a model, do you? Like I should have said I was a poor farm girl who
had an accident with a milking machine?
Deuterium Boy
Don't worry about it, you did
fine.
Sheldon returns, straightening his jacket.
Steve
And next time, I want this Deuterium Avenger
bollocks on my notecards! What the fuck am I paying you bastards for if not to
put all the relevant fucking information on my fucking notecards?
Zack!
Zack
Yeah?
Steve
Less witty banter from you, all right?
Zack
But I didn't say anything!
Steve
Every five bloody minutes you're over there
Ha-Ha-ing like a fucking hyena! When it's Chat with Zack time, I'll bloody well
tell you!
Zack
All right, all right...
Steve
And when I sing that medley of show-tunes later,
you bloody well better stay in my key!
Zack
[under his breath] Yeah, like you know what a key
is...
He sits down and picks up his cards.
Steve
Sorry about that. The network tells me I need a
sidekick for the bloody ratings. I don't need a bloody sidekick, and definitely
not that argument for late-term abortions over there and his fucking saxophone.
Hey, sweetie, if you get tired of being his sidekick, how about being
mine?
Helium Girl
Pff! As if, buddy!
Stage Manager
On in five! Four! Three!
Two and one - the audience cheers itself hoarse again.
Steve
Hey! Ho! We're back with Deuterium Boy - pardon
me, the Deuterium Avenger - and Helium Girl. So you two have been working
together how long?
Deuterium Boy
A couple weeks.
Steve
Still on the honeymoon then. Phwoar!
Helium Girl
Oh yeah right! With this gimboid,
whatever!
Steve
That's right, kids, just a great big lovefest,
every night on this show.
Deuterium Boy
You don't know the half of it.
Steve
So seriously, it's working out okay? Had much
excitement so far, any opportunities for superheroic derring-do, as it
were?
Deuterium Boy
Let's see... we stopped a couple bank
jobs, a whole bunch of muggings, recovered a stolen nuclear gyrocopter, repelled
an invasion of slime monsters from Dimension Y in Port Moody... Average sort of
week, really.
Helium Girl
I, like, totally dig the muggings. Nothing
says "Girl Power" like beating the crap out of some, like, wannabe rapist. Oh,
but like the slime monsters were just totally icky! But they weren't, like,
really evil, they just had kind of a negative attitude, you know?
Steve
They were just misunderstood?
Helium Girl
Yeah. It was, like, kinda sad,
actually.
Deuterium Boy
But we brought them back to Dimension Y
and set them up in an Outreach program. Something to help them feel like a part
of their own community.
Steve
That's touching. So Helium Girl, you're enjoying
the superhero biz then?
Helium Girl
Oh, totally, for sure! It's, like, a lot
better than modeling cause there's less pressure, and I can actually eat three
meals a day? And you don't, like, have to stand around the streets of Paris in
the middle of the freakin' winter, wearing nothing but a wet towel and a pair of
Donna Karen shoes. It's just, like, way better.
Deuterium Boy
Actually, Hydrogen Guy and I did that
once when... oops, that's Top Secret. Never mind.
Steve
Whatever you say, DB. So...
Sheldon's next question is lost to the annals of time, as suddenly, the rear wall of the theatre explodes! Dust and debris scatter everywhere, and the audience screams!
Steve
What the -- ?
Stage hands and security guards try to calm the audience as people start to flee in terror. As the dust clears slightly, a massive human shape appears silhouetted against the hole in the wall. It is easily 10' 6" tall, with strange protrusions all over its body.
The creature steps through the hall into the theatre. It is some kind of giant robot! The protrusions are massive guns and missiles - the metal monster is carrying enough artillery to level a small town. The head is a great dome with a single red eye peering out at the theatre in chaos. Around the junction between head and body - it doesn't have a neck - is a red bow-tie. The effect is dapper and deadly.
It raises an arm and fires several rounds after the fleeing audience. Next it turns toward the stage. A missile rotates around from its back and launches in the direction of the band. Zack and his musicians scatter in terror, just seconds before the drum-kit explodes in a shower of shrapnel.
Zack
Hey!! Sheldon, is this one of your goddamn
pranks?!
Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl are on their feet. Sheldon is still sitting at his desk, looking deathly pale.
Deuterium Boy
Holy Helen Gurley Brown! Battle Armour
Bob!
The robotic menace speaks in a deep, synthesized voice.
Battle Armour Bob
Yes, Deuterium Boy. It is I,
Battle Armour Bob, the Vanguard of Carnage!
Steve
"Vanguard of Carnage"?
The robot vapourizes a piece of the set directly above Sheldon's head with a giant laser.
Battle Armour Bob
Silence, fool! Remove the rodents
in your audience. I find them gauche and lacking any sense of colour. My
business is with Deuterium Boy alone!
Sheldon stands up and signals to the remaining audience members, cowering in the seats.
Steve
Okay, can I everyone leave the theatre single
file in an orderly fashion, out the emergency exits. The staff will be help
you...
The audience and crew panic and run screaming from the theatre in all directions. Battle Armour Bob fires stray shots at them.
Steve
Well, that went well.
Deuterium Boy
What do you want, you vile
fiend?
Helium Girl
You've, like, totally ruined out
interview!
Battle Armour Bob
I will have my Revenge, Deuterium
Slug! I am thy Doom!
Steve
That's the Deuterium Avenger to you,
pal!
Battle Armour Bob fires another missile at Sheldon. Sheldon leaps out of the way just as his desk is blown into fragments.
Steve
Bloody hell! Do you have any idea how much we
spent renovating this fucking theatre?
Battle Armour Bob
Silence! It is by my courtesy that
you live, dreck!
Steve
Oh, er.. sorry, then.
Battle Armour Bob
Revenge, Deuterium Boy! Revenge
against you and Hydrogen Guy, and ALL who have opposed me! Revenge against the
mind-numbing rot of Society! Look upon me in terror, Deuterium Boy, for I am
Chaos Incarnate!
Deuterium Boy
I never thought of Chaos wearing a big
red bow-tie before...
The massive robot strides forward until Deuterium Boy is facing its laser cannon at a distance of only a few inches.
Battle Armour Bob
Insolent bourgeoisie peon! Prepare
to feel the fiery punishment of my Wrath!
Helium Girl
Hey! Wait a minute, I know your voice!
Aren't you, yeah, like totally! You're Robért Ballistier, the fashion
designer!
The domed head swivels and trains the glowing red eye on her. The robots bearing sags a bit, and the massive arms reach up and grab its head. He pulls off the helmet, revealing the head of a small, balding man with a pointy nose.
Battle Armour Bob
Oh, pits! How did you know? I thought
this stupid synthesizer thing was supposed to disguise my voice!
Helium Girl
Robért! It's me, Yolanda? Yolanda
St. Claire? I worked on your Spring '93 show!
Battle Armour Bob
Oh my God, it is you! Look at you!
Girl, you look fabulous! Spin for me, go on, spin!
Helium Girl spins. Deuterium Boy and Steve Sheldon look on in disbelief.
Battle Armour Bob
Mmm mm! You look so good! I'd kill to
have your thighs. Strike me down dead if that little hero-thing isn't a
Gautier.
Helium Girl
Like, totally!
Battle Armour Bob
I knew it, that man is a genius. You
know what would look just incredible is a swishy little evening gown like that,
with some extra sequins and a slit up the leg...
Deuterium Boy
Whoa, wait... you're a fashion
designer?
Battle Armour Bob
*sigh*... I used to be... then in
autumn of '94 I had an epiphany. I did my entire season's collection based on
twenty-first century mechanized infantry - you know, the RoboTech look? But they
all just laughed! They said I was insane! Said that armour-piercing bullets just
didn't work as an accessory! They tore me apart in the press, the Right People
refused to come to my shows! I was ruined!
Helium Girl
Oh, Robért, I'm sorry...
Deuterium Boy
Okay, well maybe I can understand why
you're a little bitter...
Battle Armour Bob
Oh, bitter is so '97. That's why I'm
into revenge. So, as I was saying before I was interrupted, I'll have to make
you and everyone in this building feel my wrath, so they'll all know I'm serious
about my demands.
Steve
And those would be...
Battle Armour Bob
I want Le Chateau. I want the Gap. I
want Wal-Mart, for God's sake, I want it ALL for my own personal boutique! I
want to liberate the fashionista everywhere! I want to free all peoples from the
sewer of boring clothes and let them feel fresh and alive with their very own
suit of Ballistier original battle armour!
Deuterium Boy
You want to be "It".
Battle Armour Bob
Yes! Oh, yes, yes YES!
Steve
You'll never get away with this, you
fiend!
Battle Armour Bob
Oh, and you! June 3rd of '95, I saw
that show! Wear my jacket with a shirt from Zellers, will you?!
AAAGH!!!
He starts firing madly at the stage. Deuterium Boy, Helium Girl and Sheldon dive behind the comfy chairs and the remains of the desk as the set around them is torn to shreds.
Helium Girl
Ohmygod! What do we do? He's like totally
berserk!
Deuterium Boy
Remember what Doug taught you! Remove
yourself from the turmoil. Focus on action and serenity. Accept your fear and
channel it away from the panic instinct.
Helium Girl
But everybody else is
panicking!
Deuterium Boy
Get ready to return fire!
He takes out a patented Deuterium-O-RangTM and arms it with an explosive charge. Bob's onslaught pauses, and they hear him reloading. They jump up from behind the chairs and Deuterium Boy throws the Deuterium-O-RangTM. Battle Armour Bob deflects it with his arm, and it ricochets and explodes in the back of the theatre.
Helium Girl fires a stream of alpha particles from her fingertips - helium nuclei given off by radioactive elements as heavy radiation. The blast hits Bob square in the middle of the chest. He staggers back, an electric haze arcing across the front of his suit.
Battle Armour Bob
Ooh, you little bitch. Damage my
suit, will you?
With the suits powerful servos, he jumps clear over the stage, landing behind them. He grabs Helium Girl in one of his massive mechanical fists.
Helium Girl
Eeek! Stop it!
Deuterium Boy
Helium Girl!
Battle Armour Bob
Let's see how a twenty-five story
drop agrees with you, missy! And just so you know, I'm prepared for you bunch -
this suit has a proton inhibitor built into it. Your powers are useless within
six feet of me!
He turns and blasts a hole in the back wall with a powerful shoulder-mounted plasma cannon. Stepping through the hole, he fires the suit's jump jets. Battle Armour Bob and the struggling Helium Girl rocket skyward!
Deuterium Boy
He's heading for the roof! Great, now he
thinks he's a giant monkey.
Steve
My poor theatre...
Deuterium Boy
Think of it this way, you'll probably
have great ratings.
Steve
Damn! Why couldn't this have happened during
sweeps week?
Deuterium Boy
I'll have to take the elevator. Call
Special Agent Parker at CSIS and have him meet us at street level!
He dashes off in pursuit of the elevator.
Steve
Sure, I'll just hit it on my
speed-dial...
Zack
Is it gone?
Steve
Shut up, Zack.
Battle Armour Bob touches down on the edge of the roof of the CTV building. Already in the street below is filled with police and emergency vehicles.
Helium Girl
I hope you know, Robért, that our
friendship is like totally over. I don't do this whole disempowered victim
thing...
Battle Armour Bob
Well, you get what you deserve for
damaging my suit! I may not be able to use my stealth cloaking device now, you
know... oh, will you look at that, red lights all across the board...
Helium Girl
So, like, what exactly do you think you're
going to do up here? Throw me off the building? You do realize that I can float,
right?
Battle Armour Bob
Oh. Really?
Helium Girl
Like, ya! Helium, you know? Lighter than
air? You put it in kids balloons?
Battle Armour Bob
Oh, pits. This just hasn't been my
day.
He shrugs, quite a dramatic motion in his massive suit.
Battle Armour Bob
Oh well. I guess I'll just have to
crush you with my thirty-thousand-pounds-per-square-inch mechanical
fist.
Helium Girl
Oh, like -- *urk!*
Battle Armour Bob
I'll do it nice and slow, too, so you
can feel everything as it breaks. And your life will have time to pass in front
of your eyes just before the end - think of all those fabulous outfits you can
relive!
An access hatch on the rooftop springs open, and Deuterium Boy leaps out. Well climbs out, really, or more of rolls out, since those things are a lot harder to get out of than they look...
Deuterium Boy
Ooof, that's far enough, Battle Armour
Bob! Argh... just let me get up here... Put her down and surrender
peacefully!
Battle Armour Bob
Ha ha ha! I don't think so, Deuterium
Boy. I've goYAA-OW!!!
Battle Armour Bob is understandably shocked as Helium Girl bites him on the nose, hard. Deuterium Boy has a Deuterium-O-RangTM ready, and throws it! This time he strikes Bob in the side of the head, throwing his bulky mechanical body off-balance! As he tumbles off the side of the building, Bob tosses Helium Girl aside, flailing desperately to keep his balance. Using her renewed helium powers, she floats safely out of the way.
Battle Armour Bob
AAAAaaaaa....!
Helium Girl
You're a freak, Robért! And everyone
knows, like, you never wear titanium after Labour Day!
Deuterium Boy
How tragically true...
Meanwhile, on the street below, Special Agent Parker of the SHVD watches the unfolding drama through binoculars as members of the Vancouver City Police, the RCMP, and a SHVD special strike team wait to spring into action.
Cop
Can you see them?
Parker
I see'em, all right. Wait! Someone just fell off
the roof! It's...
The massive Battle Armour Bob crashes onto a nearby police car, squashing it like a cheap beer can. Parker lowers his binoculars and glares at him.
Parker
That was my wife's squad car, punk. Book'em,
boys!
Battle Armour Bob
Uuuh...
Later that week... the beautiful weather still holds, and we find Helium Girl sitting on the patio drinking another helium cranberry fizz, reading a local entertainment paper. Deuterium Boy steps out onto the patio, reading a letter.
Helium Girl
Hey, what's that?
Deuterium Boy
Letter from Hydrogen Guy. He's enjoying
his sabbatical at the National Research Council, and there's no sign of the
Crustacean since last week's attempted jewel heist. He says "job well done" on
the Battle Armour Bob affair.
Helium Girl
So, like Battle Armour Bob is back in UBC
Asylum?
Deuterium Boy
Back with all the ex-Socred cabinet
ministers, where he belongs.
Helium Girl
Hey, guess what? You know Steve Sheldon's
show? It's been canceled.
Deuterium Boy
Really?
Helium Girl
Yeah, like the network blames him for the
thing.
Deuterium Boy
That's not fair, really.
Helium Girl
It's going to be replaced by something
called "Tonight's the Night, with Zack Chilton".
Deuterium Boy
Huh. Hey, speaking of which - the tailor
called this morning.
Helium Girl
Um, really?
Deuterium Boy
Yes. He says the evening gown you wanted
will be ready on Thursday and the $1500 will be charged to the Cave
account!
Helium Girl
Oops! Ah hee hee, imagine that! Oh, ah, hey
DB, what's our next bit of superhero business, huh?
Deuterium Boy rolls his eyes.
Deuterium Boy
Are you familiar with the Radio Shack in
Maple Ridge Centre?
As Deuterium Boy outlines the intrigue to come, Helium Girl drifts off, thinking of how fabulous that evening gown version of he costume will look. Maybe she'll wear it on her date with Zack next weekend...
[Roll credits; fade to black]