Crusaders of the Lost Doug - Part I

The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch.III

...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

I still don't really understand this whole French-English thing.

Well, okay, other than that it's not just French-English, although that's a huge part of it. It's just Canada-Québec thing. As I say, I still really don't understand it, but these days it's everywhere.

The Oromocto Constitutional Amendment was dismally defeated in Western Canada, mainly out of francophobia. Like two amendments before it, it was supposed to clear up a lot of the constitutional bad blood with Québec that's just way to complicated to even try to explain. The West's conservative, English-protestant work ethic saw it as "the French" trying to get something for nothing, and the provincial legislatures said no way. A lot of it may have been a desire to stick it to "back East", too. The West tends to lump Ontario and Québec together, like they're rich co-conspirators against them. Most Westerners would be surprised at how inaccurate their picture of Québec is...

The seperatist government of Québec took the nixing of Oromocto as Canada's rejection of the Québecois nation (they didn't support the Amendment either, but that's beside the point). They called a Referendum on Québec's independance from Canada, the third in twenty years.

The campaign on both sides has been depressing to watch. The Federalist No side just can't get it together, and the Seperatist Yes people won't openly admit that the referendum is about seperation from Canada.

The League of Heroes forbids superheroes from getting involved in anything political, so there's little Hydrogen Guy can do. Most of the guys I know are rabid, patriotic Canadians, and this non-involvement is killing them. So we gotta keep busy with other stuff, and get ready if anything happens on Referendum night.

In the mean time, there was laundry. It was about a week before the Referendum. Otherwise, just a quiet Saturday morning on the fringes of Ottawa. The OC Transpo bus rumbled down Montreal Road, and Doug and I were the only passengers. I'd spent the last month as a guest worker at the National Research Council's Institute for Advanced Nuclear Topology, while keeping an eye on the Crustacean's last know location. No sign of the bugger, but there was plenty of other stuff to keep me busy. This morning I had just picked up my Hydrogen Guy suit from a trusted dry-cleaner, and so that no one would see renowned theoretical physicist Jim Evans carrying it around, I was in costume and in character.

Hydrogen Guy
Careful with those yellow lights, Mr. Bus Driver!

Bus Driver
Hm.

Hydrogen Guy
Doug takes his job as the Official OC Transpo Safety Skeleton seriously, you know.

Doug is my mentor, the spirit of an alien astrophysicist and Zen master. He also happens to occupy the body of a 3-foot rubber skeleton. Which makes it hard for him to get served in bars, but somehow he manages.

Bus Driver
You know what, pal? You're in serious need of a sidekick.

Hydrogen Guy
He's in Maple Ridge. Watcha gonna do, eh?

Bus Driver
He's that Deuterium Avenger guy, isn't he? Saw'im on Sheldon a while back. Quite a show, that.

Hydrogen Guy
So I hear... hey, what's that on the road ahead?

Bus Driver
Looks like an armadillo -- SHIT!!!!

I just caught a glimpse of a squat armoured body through the window before we hit it.

The collision was completely out of proportion to the target - I swear that armadillo must have been made out of solid neutronium. The bus flipped straight end over end and we slid across the road, ending up on its side in a ditch. Luckily I was prepared for the impact. I grabbed the driver - not to mention Doug - tore open the door, and ran from the bus as fast as my atomically fast legs could carry me. I hit the ground a split second later and a few hundred meters as the bus exploded in a huge ball of flame.

Somehow in the confusion, I dropped Doug.

The bus driver looked shaken up, but he diudn't seem hurt, miraculously enough.

Bus Driver
Holy Toledo, did you see that?

Hydrogen Guy
From much closer than I'd have liked to. Are you all right?

Bus Driver
Sure, yeah, ... where the hell did that armadillo come from? There ain't no armadillos in Ontario!

I felt around in the grass beside us. My hand landed on something rubbery.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Bus Driver
What is it?

I had found Doug... and his head was missing!

It took only half an hour for cops and the ambulance to show up.

Hydrogen Guy
Any luck, officer?

Policeman
Sorry, Hydrogen Guy. We couldn't find any trace of that armadillo... or your skeleton's head.

That last part worried me. Without his head, Doug couldn't channel the spirit of the alien Zen master and astrophysicist which defined his character.

Policeman
Are you sure it wasn't a cat, or a racoon?

Hydrogen Guy
No, it looked like an armadillo, all right... probably was some robotic land-mine or something.

I felt confident in my strange assertion. The site of the collision had a small crater in it, consistent with a powerful concussion explosion.

Hydrogen Guy
And in case you're wondering, Doug's head was still attached when we left the bus.

Policeman
Actually, I couldn't care less about the skeleton.

He turned to the bus driver, who was sitting on the tailgate of the ambulance drinking a coffee.

Policeman
I think what we have here is a freak accident. A one-in-a-billion chance. I can't explain it - maybe you were hit by a meteor or something just as a 'coon ran in front of the bus.

Bus Driver
My supervisor ain't gonna be too happy...

The cop walked away.

Hydrogen Guy
Freak accident, my feathered hat... with no evidence of the armadillo or what happened to Doug's head...

Bus Driver
Sorry, buddy. All you lost was a rubber head. I lost a bus, a whole friggin' bus! Man, if there's such a thing as traffic gods, they musta had it in for me today... Man oh man...

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry, pal.. I think I'll take it up with them personally.

Anyone who's ever driven a car knows what fickle beings the Traffic Gods can be. If they like you, all the lights are green and photo radar just can't see you. If they don't, you'll get rear-ended by an out-of-control dump truck in the busiest intersection in the city right when you're late for work and you can't afford higher insurance premiums. And their moods can change faster than the weather.

I'd only met Xonfir once, at a League of Heroes barbecue a few summers back. He's a friend of SuperConductor's, and one of the oldest and most powerful of all the Traffic Gods. Luckily for me, he'd tossed the grand palaces of Olympus (or wherever it is they live) and bought a donut shop in Vanier, not too far from the accident scene. I thought that if anyone in Ottawa could shed some light on this bizarre incident, it'd be him. I stopped off at home first and then headed for Tim Horton's.

Hydrogen Guy
Hi, I'm looking for Xonfir the Almighty?

Girl behind Counter
Over by the coffee machine.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Xonfir!

Xonfir
Hey, Hydrogen Guy!

He looked just like any other old guy who ran a doughnut shop. Except sometimes, if you saw him in the right light, he had this nimbus.

Hydrogen Guy
How's it going?

Xonfir
Eh, you know, been better, been worse. Heard you had a little bang up this morning - here, have a bagel, you look like you need one.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks. So you know, eh?

Xonfir
Sure, I know, I'm a Traffic God! You think there's a fender-bender or a traffic jam in this city I don't know about? I also know you don't see too many armadillos in Vanier, especially in autumn.

Hydrogen Guy
My thoughts exactly. So what gives? If I were back in British Columbia, I'd suspect ICBC was involved, but...

Xonfir
My friend, you are the victim of a very clever set-up.

Hydrogen Guy
A set-up to snitch Doug's head? But ICBC...

Xonfir looked from side to side, his eyes lingering on a man drinking coffee and reading a newspaper over by the window. He leaned forward.

Xonfir
You been following the Québec Referendum?

Hydrogen Guy
In my own way.

Xonfir
I think you've been warned... and challenged.

Hydrogen Guy
Separatists?

Xonfir nods.

Xonfir
In a matter of speaking... The man behind the Referendum is called Apollo Renard. He's an adviser to the premier and an agent of SAAQ, the Societé d'Assurance Automobile de Québec.

Hydrogen Guy
ICBC's Québecois counter-part.

Xonfir
Rumour on the other side of the river has it that the Premier didn't want another Referendum until he was sure he could win it, but Renard convinced him otherwise. I think if you find Apollo Renard, you will find Doug's head.

Hydrogen Guy
Why? Who is this Renard, and why did he push for the Referendum?

Xonfir
Nobody knows. He appeared at the Premier's side four months ago, and for all we know hasn't left it since. Why - I think the fox has issued you a challenge.

Hydrogen Guy
What kind of challenge?

Xonfir
To retrieve Doug's head, you must enter and survive the Temple of Hull.

Hydrogen Guy
The Temple of Hull?

Xonfir
The first seperatist Premier, Rene Levesque, had it built back in the late '70's. It's a huge, enchanted labyrinth, filled with traps. The architect who designed it was Rene Dédelle, Levesque's Minister of Information. They planned to imprison Robert Bourassa and the Liberals there after a Yes vote in 1980...

Hydrogen Guy
And now Renard has hidden Doug's head in the Temple. How do I find it?

Xonfir
You'll find the Temple in deepest, darkest Hull. You can't miss it. Doug's head is in the very heart of the Temple, in the great Chamber of Sparkly Things. To reach the Chamber, you must face the Four Challenges...
Upon entering the Temple, you'll have to find your way through the Maze of Eternity. No one has ever come out alive. Next you'll have to negotiate the Pit of Flaming Death, answer the Riddle of the Gates of Monstrosity, and finally, take your turn at the Wheel of Abject Terror...

Hydrogen Guy
There's no quick and easy back door?

Xonfir
I'm afraid not. Dédelle employed an unnamed dark mage in building it, and there are those who say he payed for that with his soul.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. You love sending me to choice vacation spots, don't you? Remember that cabin in the Gatineaus you recommended? Full of spiders.

Xonfir
There is something I can give you.

Hydrogen Guy
An anaesthetic?

Xonfir reached behind the counter and took out a chocolate donut.

Hydrogen Guy
What is it?

Xonfir
Whaddya think it is? It's a chocolate donut, still fresh from yesterday...

I took a bite. Xonfir reached behind the counter and handed me a jelly donut with sprinkles.

Xonfir
This, however, is a Magic Donut. Only to be eaten in your moment of direst need.

Hydrogen Guy
What does it do?

Xonfir
It lets you breathe parsley.

Hydrogen Guy
Parsley? You mean the little green garnish? Why would I ever need to breathe parsley?

Xonfir
Hey, you never know.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

I slipped the donut into a compartment on my Useful Things belt.

Xonfir
One other thing... Ever heard of a game called "Walter's World"?

Hydrogen Guy
No, never. Should I?

Xonfir
Would've helped. Rene Dédelle was an expert WalterMaster.

He shrugged.

Xonfir
That's all I can do for you.

He turned back to his coffee machine. I thanked him, promised him a bottle of scotch if I survived the trip, and left to prepare for my Quest.

I caught the bus from my place to Hull, Québec, the city just across the Ottawa River from Ottawa, Ontario. The bus stopped right in front of the Temple of Hull - one last gift from Xonfir, I suppose. The Temple was huge, a glittering palace of gold and marble, a monument to the PQ government of the early '80's. Funny how I never noticed it before, but then I never took much time to visit Hull.

The door was easy to find - it was nearly two stories high, and covered in strange carvings in 17th century provincial French. With a sense of foreboding, I tried the door - unlocked. I stepped inside a dark room. Without warning, the door slammed shut behind me. I tried to open it and, naturally, it wouldn't open. I looked around. Dim torches had flared to life when the door closed, but there still wasn't a lot of light. I created a hydrogen flare, which floated by my shoulder like a will o' the wisp.

I could now see I was at the head of a long corridor. It ended in an intersection, with two more corridors branching away to the left and right. I started forward, my flare floating a few steps ahead of me.

There are certain mathematical tricks for negotiating a maze. For instance, at the first intersection, turn right, then turn left whenever possible. These, however, didn't help me, and within half an hour I was lost. The topology of the maze was something too complex for me.

I took out my handy Scan-O-Matic^TM, thinking its advanced sensors would lead me out of the maze. Something, however, was jamming it on all frequencies. Most disturbing. I continued on.

The Maze seemed to be playing tricks on me. Corridors which I had passed just minutes before, I couldn't find again. I'd walk ten minutes in one direction, just to end up where I started. Shadows flitted in and out of my peripheral vision, when nothing seemed to be there. And sometimes I would feel a wind on my cheek, or hear a sound like the flutter of feathered wings, but of course, there was nothing. Hitchcock would love this place, I thought; or Lovecraft.

I noticed the Ruler of Elendil would occasionally glow a bright blue, then fade. Made from the elf-wood of the High German hills, it did this whenever an evil presence was near. I wasn't at all encouraged.

I seemed to wander for what seemed like hours. Then, to my amazement, I turned a corner and found a hall littered with sticks and twigs. It seemed to stretch on for some way. I proceeded cautiosly. Eventually I could make out a dim figure ahead of me. Drawing closer, I saw it was an old man, who gathering the sticks in a bundle. He was dressed in crude rags, what looked like the dress of a medieval peasant.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey! Hello there!

He turned towards me, looked me up and down, then went back to his sticks. I approached him.

Hydrogen Guy
Sir? Excuse me...

Old Man
Begone, you errant fool!

He had a trace of a Québecois accent. If you've never heard it, imagine a New Yorker, who'd spent some time in Atlanta, speaking French. It would be kind of similar.

Hydrogen Guy
I was wondering if you might know the way out of here.

Old Man
I might. But if you had the brains, you would stay here. It's better than what's beyond.

Hydrogen Guy
I need to go beyond. I'm on a Quest.

Old Man
How original.

I furrowed my brow and drew the Ruler from its scabbard.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't need the sarcasm. Normally I'd be polite and try to gain your confidence, but this maze is making me a little nuts, and I really, really have to go to the bathroom.

He glanced up at the sound of the Ruler of Elendil leaving its sheath, still looking unconcerned. But when he saw that it was a glowing forty centimeter ruler, not a sword, something in his expression changed. He recovered himself quickly, and again feigned indifference.

Old Man
And what is so important that you're questing for, my hot-headed, full-bladdered, loudly dressed friend? What makes the bearer of Einstein's Ruler follow in the thematic footsteps of Arthur, Quixote and Baggins, eh?

I was a little surprised at his off-handed reference to the Ruler.

Hydrogen Guy
You know the Ruler of Elendil?

He chuckled, a dry unpleasant sound.

Old Man
I've fought with it, my dear boy! Many years ago, now. And, I suspect, against the same opponent you faced not long ago.

Hydrogen Guy
Who are you?

Old Man
I'm surprised you don't know, supposedly being so politically astute! Ironically enough, my name is Rene Dédelle.

I raised an eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
I thought you were dead.

Dédelle
Not dead, imprisoned here, imprisoned like my namesake in a labyrinth of my own design. By the dark mage who I hired to enchant it, and under the consent of those weak-hearted accountants who would pass as leaders.

Hydrogen Guy
...but...

Dédelle
I've stayed alive, gathering sticks for firewood. The friendly pigeons who live in the maze have brought me food, water, and copies of Le Devoir. I've also managed to avoid the jaws of the Anglotaur.

Hydrogen Guy
...the what... ?

Dédelle
The Anglotaur - the carnivorous monster who lives in the maze. Half man, half beaver. Not well prepared for the maze and its secrets, are you? I'm still not helping you until you tell me why you're here.

Hydrogen Guy
The SAAQ arranged for me and my rubber skeleton to have a little bus accident. When we leapt clear of the wreck, they grabbed Doug and snatched his head.

He dropped his bundle and stood to face me.

Dédelle
Doug, ah yes, of course. I knew him once. Remarkably deep fellow, not much of a pollster though.

Hydrogen Guy
Uh, okay, sure. My name is...

Dédelle
Hydrogen Guy, yes, I know. I recognize you from your publicity stills. Come, then, follow me. Keep the Ruler drawn and ready...

He drew a crude iron knife from the folds of his tunic, and headed down the corridor. I had no choice but to follow.

The first place Dédelle led me was a men's washroom. I had to compliment him on a well designed maze.

Dédelle
You like it, eh? It was a masterpiece of engineering.

Hydrogen Guy
It seems to violate all the conventional mathematics of mazes... It's simply connected, yet the right-hand rule fails. I just don't understand the topology.

Dédelle
Have you noticed also the feeling of disorientation it gives? A vague sense of unease? You said before the maze was making you nuts...

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. It still is. I feel like - like everything I'm sensing isn't right.

Dédelle
There is a very good reason for that... Have you ever read the English short story, "– And He Built A Crooked House" by Robert Heinlein?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, I think so. About a guy who builds a house in the shape of a tesseract - an unfolded hypercube. Then an earthquake comes along and the tesseract folds up into a fourth spatial dimension.

Dédelle
I read that in 1951 - it was one of the first English fictions I ever read. I was studying architecture at the time.

Hydrogen Guy
I read it in highschool, I think. One of the few things by Heinlein that didn't make me physically ill.

Dédelle
That story sparked a dream in me - a completely irrational one, to build structures in dimensions higher than the third. I even drew some plans - not only unfolded hypercubes, but whole castles that folded into four, five, even six-dimensional constructions. I showed them to no-one. Eventually I became involved in politics, and I left architecture behind all together. But when I designed the Temple, I remembered!

Hydrogen Guy
You mean the Temple of Hull is - more than just a three-dimensional building?

Dédelle
It is twice the siaze of the Great Pyramid of Egypt - folded into TEN DIMENSIONAL SPACE! The reason this maze feels so wrong, that it is impossible to navigate, is because to our three dimensional minds, it IS wrong, it IS impossible!

Hydrogen Guy
But how - ?

Dédelle
The Dark Mage. The accursed travelling necromancer, whose name I spit on! He showed me not only how to booby-trap, as you say, the Temple, but how to fold the building through space itself.

Hydrogen Guy
That's incredible. Who was this guy?

Dédelle
He called himself Savadini. He claimed to be the last necromancer on Earth. I heard of him, I thought "Perfect. Let the defeated Federalists suffer the torment magic and monsters!" But, mark my words, Hydrogen Guy - go not to wizards for counsel, for they will stab you in the back and twist the blade in your gut!

I nodded. Deuterium Boy and I had met Savadini, early in our careers. He had been a major supervillain in the 1970's, and a powerful sorcerer. I didn't doubt for a second that he could have helped Dédelle build a ten-dimensional maze on the banks of the Ottawa river. My own adversary, Grif Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, was his sole surviving student. Savadini himslef had long since given up the game, however, and Deuterium Boy tells me he's settled down to life in a nice cottage on some other astral plane.

Dédelle
There is another one I would warn you about, Hydrogen Guy - it is Apollo Renard. He has the stench of Savadini on him, that one!

I looked at Dédelle in surprise.

Hydrogen Guy
You know of Renard?

Dédelle
As I say, news reaches me of the outside world from time to time. Make no mistake, Hydrogen Guy - I am a Québec nationalist. I believe that our nation needs to find her own destiny apart from Canada

I narrowed my eyes.

Hydrogen Guy
There we'll have to disagree, Dédelle. I deeply oppose seperatism.

Dédelle
I do not mean to start the debate with you now. What I mean to say is this - this Renard, he cares nothing for Québec, or Canada. The time is not right for seperation, they seek it now for the wrong reasons - they are accountants, not the fathers of nations. Renard can only hurt both our countries.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll agree with you there. But when I face Renard, I'll be defending one Canada, not two.

Dédelle
I do not ask you to do anymore than what you think is right.

We walked onwards for about an hour and a half, through God only knows how many twists and turns in space that three dimensional beings just shouldn't have to deal with. I wondered about this man, Dédelle. He was a seperatist, who had had dealings with a notorious supervillain - yet he claimed to have fought with the Ruler of Elendil, and known the spirit I knew as Doug. I had trouble reconciling these two things. Was my companion a hero or a villain?

Finally we reached a dead end. I mean in the maze, not my own philosophical ponderings. I'd given those up and started singing "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

Hydrogen Guy
Great. Now what?

Dédelle
Pah! You English are too constipated in your thinking...

He turned and gave the rear wall a good, hard kick. A new section of wall sprang up from the floor behind us, boxing us in. Before I could complain, the floor jerked beneath us. The newly-formed room began to spin...

Hydrogen Guy
Dédelle, what's going on?!

Dédelle
The room is spinning to disguise our lateral motion. Are you feeling ill?

Hydrogen Guy
No, I honestly enjoy having my bowels centrifuged!

Thankfully, the room stopped spinning after only a few minutes. At least, the room outside my head stopped spinning... When my senses cleared, I saw that the walls dropped had down into the floor. We were standing at the intersection of ten corridors leading off in all directions.

Dédelle
Now you must choose. One passage leads to an exit; the other nine to the Anglotaur.

Hydrogen Guy
Interesting symbolism. Ten provinces, nine English...

Dédelle
Your mastery of literary devices is almost as impressive as your fashion sense. Hurry up and choose a corridor. I do not know which is correct.

All ten corridors were identical, stretching as far as I could see into the distance. I glanced down at the Ruler of Elendil - it was glowing very brightly now.

Dédelle
He is near! Be quick about it!

I raised the Ruler and concentrated. I synchronized the vibrations of all the hydrogen atoms in me and the Ruler with our surroundings. I became tuned to minor inflections of the hydrogen tapestry that permeates the world of matter. I started to receive a faint impression...

Dédelle grabbed my arm, and my conecentration was broken. I glared at him.

Dédelle
There is no more time! The Anglotaur has scented us! Choose now!

I could hear something coming down the passage behind us. I pointed to the corridor I'd been tuning into.

Hydrogen Guy
This one! I think!

Dédelle
I hope you are right, or it is the end for us!

Hydrogen Guy
Don't blame me if it is!

We ran down the chosen corridor. I could hear something large and drooling shambling behind us, its groaning and jabbering echoing down the corridor we had come. We ran for some time; I began to get nervous. Finally, the corridor curved to the left. I could hear the Anglotaur was a few minutes behind us.

We rounded the curve, and the corridor came to an abrupt halt. A large red door stood before us, and beside it was a vintage late '80's computer displaying a crude Mandelbrot set screensaver.

Dédelle
Aha! We are saved! The end of the maze. All I have to do is log into the system and open the door...

He approached the computer and pressed a key. The screen-saver disappeared.

Dédelle
What is this...

Computer
Welcome to Microsoft MazeTM for WindowsTM. Please log-in and complete the questionnaire.

Dédelle
Tabernacle!! They have changed the software!

A horrific sound echoed down the corridor. I turned to see a terrible shape moving towards us - the dreaded Anglotaur! The revulsion it stirred in me was as indescribable as its own repulsive form. It was roughly humanoid, and utterly massive, covered in oily-looking hair. Its misshapen head, with its beady eyes and huge, razor-sharp bucked-teeth, suggested a beaver, as did its enormous flat tail.

Dédelle
Keep him busy while I try and open the door!

Hydrogen Guy
"Busy"? As in what, feed him body parts I don't need?

Computer
Please rate the following aspects of the Maze on a scale from 1 to 10:
Difficulty. Danger. Terror. Customer Service.

Anglotaur
RAAH! *Slobber* GNAW! GNAW!

Hydrogen Guy
AAAH!

I attacked with the Ruler of Elendil, slashing madly at the horrible beast. It's hide was thick - the Ruler's blows bounced off it like a raquet-ball. The creature tried to grab for me. I ducked and caught a whiff of its breath. Yech, fish guts! At least I hoped it was fish guts...

It turned and struck out at me it's huge tail. I tried to dodge but stumbled and it whacked me hard. The blow knocked me back a good ten meters. I hit the ground and nearly blacked out. The creature loomed over me...

Computer
How many were initially in your party? How many were driven insane? How many of your party were killed/eaten/maimed by the Anglotaur? Were you attacked promptly? Were the restrooms kept pleasant and clean?

I rolled out of the way just before the huge beaver teeth came down on my neck. Suddenly, I remembered my hydrogen flare, still floating obediently nearby. I hurled it at the Anglotaur and hit it square in the forehead. Lucky shot! The monster's oily hair exploded in flames, and like an enraged Michael Jackson, it roared in fury, turned and fled back down the passage it came from.

I returned to the computer and Dédelle.

Dédelle
The damned Windows won't let me over-ride this questionnaire! When they installed this system, the DOS Maze Driver worked perfectly well, I don't know why they replaced it!

Computer
This completes Part I of the questionnaire. In Part II...

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, screw this...

I attacked the door with the Ruler of Elendil. A single cut tore the door in two, the halves falling neatly away, leaving the exit clear.

Dédelle
Why could you not have done that sooner, eh?

Hydrogen Guy
I'm in a bad mood and I enjoy seeing Microsoft torment people.

Dédelle and I walked through the exit and left the Maze.

Computer
System Error -42. Please call your local MicrosoftTM dealer. System Error -42...

Great Shades of Midas, Hydrogen Guy!
He's escaped the Maze of Eternity, but can Hydrogen Guy and his Strange Companion survive the other Traps of the Temple? Will Doug's noodle be rescued from the evil Apollo Renard? Will Confederation survive the dreaded Referendum? THE SUSPENSE IS UNBEARABLE!
But bear it we must, until part II of...

Crusaders of the Lost Doug!
Same Hydrogen time - same Hydrogen website!