Crusaders of the Lost Doug - Part II
The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch.IV
...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Last Week: Days before a Québecois referendum on independence from Canada, Hydrogen Guy is issued a bizarre challenge by separatist forces in league with ICBC: recover Doug's head from the Temple of Hull - and survive! Hydrogen Guy travels to the Temple and, in the Maze of Eternity, meets Rene Dédelle, the Maze's builder who has been trapped there for twenty years. Dédelle leads Hydrogen Guy through the Maze, and they escape - but not before being cornered by the dread Anglotaur! Now they continue the journey, but there are more dangers yet to come...
The Pit of Flaming Death
Once outside the Maze of Eternity, Dédelle and I stood in a great hall, easily the size of a grand ballroom in some palace. The walls were sheer stone, bare of any ornamentation. Red light flooded the room from some point in the distance.
Dédelle
Next we will pass the Pit of Flaming
Death - if we are lucky. I can then take you as far as the Gates of Monstrosity,
but no farther.
Hydrogen Guy
You can't pass the Gates?
Dédelle
By a geis of Savadini I am forbidden.
Why do you think I have wandered the Maze these last twenty years if I knew how
to get out?
Hydrogen Guy
Fair enough. I appreciate your help so
far, at any rate.
Dédelle sighed.
Dédelle
Besides, I have bridge
tomorrow.
Hydrogen Guy
With who?
Dédelle
With the Anglotaur, and a couple
other monsters who live in the Maze.
Hydrogen Guy
What? You mean you're friends with that
thing that tried to rip us limb from bleeding limb and devour our still-pulsing
flesh?!
Dédelle
Well, not friends really, more of
acquaintances. He's a fair player, and the Griffin of the Gatineaus needed a
partner...
Hydrogen Guy
Fine, fine, fine... just take me to
the next Challenge...
We started off down the hall. I noticed Dédelle had put his knife away, so I sheathed the Ruler. I did feel more at ease outside the Maze, and my head was clearer. Still, I had a sense of foreboding...
We came to a white picket fence which ran across the width of the hall. In the middle of the fence was a gate. About 30 meters away was a similar fence and gate. The floor between the two fences appeared bare and empty.
Dédelle
We are here. The Pit of Flaming
Death.
Hydrogen Guy
I don't see anything but
floor.
Dédelle
Do not be deceived...
He reached into his tunic and pulled out a tomato. He threw it over the fence and it landed in the middle of the fenced-off area.
Hydrogen Guy
Nothing.
Dédelle
True. Oh, by the way, would you like
a tomato? They're very firm.
Hydrogen Guy
Hm. Maybe later.
Dédelle
Ah, well... watch
carefully.
A second time, he pulled a tomato from his tunic, and threw it over the fence. This time it would have landed about a meter to the right of the first. I say "would have", because just before it hit the ground, the ground vanished; a glowing pit three meters across appeared in the floor. Both tomatoes fell into it, and an explosion of flame leapt up from the pit. A smell of brimstone and scorched tomato filled the air. A split-second later, the pit was gone, and the floor once again appeared solid.
Dédelle
The Pit drifts through the enclosed
area, and remains hidden until something is directly over top of it. Then...
poof! As we saw. The chance that one of us will make it across is, ehh, not so
bad. Both of us? Unlikely.
Hydrogen Guy
Is there another way?
Dédelle
You could return to the Maze and join
us for bridge.
Hydrogen Guy
I can't play bridge.
Dédelle
Then no, there is no other way. Let
me go first.
He opened the gate, and without a pause for fear dashed across the fenced area. Halfway across, he stumbled; I nearly gasped, but when he fell to his knees it was on solid ground. Quickly he was on his feet again, and continued his run. He reached the far gate, opened it, and leaped to safety.
Hydrogen Guy
Bravo! A fine performance, thrilling,
suspenseful, a great ending! The fall in the middle was a nice touch, a bit
melodramatic...
Dédelle
Close your facetious trap and come
on! Pray the Pit does not drift too erratically.
I nodded. Given enough time and enough tomatoes, I could probably deduce the Pit's pattern of motion. Given that there was a pattern that could be deduced in a finite amount of time... Not knowing that, all I could do was run.
I started. I chose a straight line path, to minimize my distance across the dangerous area. My heart raced, and I called upon every nanogram of luck available in every hydrogen atom in the Universe.
With my atomic speed, it was enough. I reached the far gate in just under a seconds, with both me and the ground intact.
Dédelle
Well done!
Hydrogen Guy
Thanks! Hff! That was easier than
I...
Suddenly there was a vroosh! and I felt myself falling. I felt the heat of flames close by, and I grabbed desperately for the edge of the Pit. I barely caught it and clung on by my fingers. There was a heavy weight on my right leg, which when I looked down turned out to be Rene Dédelle. I also saw the remains of the white picket fence smoldering below at the Pit's bottom.
Dédelle
The Pit is not supposed to be here!!!
It shouldn't be able to pass the fences!!!
Hydrogen Guy
It's a moot point now, isn't it?! Hold
on... ow! My knee!
Dédelle
Sorry!
I gazed down into the fiery Pit again. A thought occurred to me...
Hydrogen Guy
Do you smell sulphur?!
Dédelle
Yes!! This had better be relevant or
I will be smelling burning flesh soon!
I strained my hydrogen powers, concentrating on the gases below us. I let go of the edge...
... and we landed on a hard, hot surface. I quickly helped Dédelle to his feet. He looked around us in amazement - we were standing on what appeared to be a hard, glassy surface. We could see the raging flames of the pit below us.
Dédelle
We are not dead! What is it that we
are standing on?
Hydrogen Guy
That smell was hydrogen sulphide. I was
able to super-enhance the strength of the weak hydrogen bonds between the gas
molecules, allowing the gas to polymerize into a solid surface. We'd better
hurry - it's extremely unstable.
We scrambled up the sides of the Pit and ran as fast as we could. I heard a second vroosh! as the Pit vanished behind us.
The Gates of Monstrosity
More walking. Past the Pit, the great hall narrowed into a corridor, and the red lighting faded into a less satanic torch-lit twilight. The corridor came to an end at a moving walk-way.
Dédelle
This is the Conveyer Belt of
Calamity. It will take us to the Gates of Monstrosity.
Hydrogen Guy
The "Conveyer Belt of
Calamity"?
Dédelle
It sounds much better in French, I
assure you.
He stepped onto the walk-way and I followed warily. The Conveyer Belt moved us along at a sedate walking speed.
Hydrogen Guy
It will take us there alive,
right?
Dédelle
And in comfort. This is no primitive,
uncivilized Temple like you might find in Alberta or Newfoundland.
Hydrogen Guy
Oh good. At least we won't plunge into
a tank of angry man-eating cod.
The awkwardly-named Conveyer Belt of Calamity took us through a long winding route, up and down, occasionally in circles, past murals of early Habitant farm life and kitschy displays of Québec folk art.
The Conveyer Belt ended rather abruptly, and we were thrown down a chute called a Plummet Tube, renewing my fears about the man-eating cod. Dédelle said that other levels of the Temple were filled with these Tubes. It was not an uncomfortable plummet, but the landing was otherwise...
We were deposited in front of a massive pair of doors, framed by an enormous Gothic arch carved in the shape of a laughing demon.
Evil Voice
Who dares intrude
upon the sanctity of the Gates of Monstrosity?
Dédelle
[whispering] That is the voice of the
Gates. You must answer.
Hydrogen Guy
It is I, Hydrogen Guy, the Covalent
Crusader, one half of the Diatomic Duo, Elemental of Hydrogen, Bearer of the
Ruler of Elendil, and Guardian of Truth, Silliness, and the Canadian
Way!
Evil Voice
Why do you come
here?
Hydrogen Guy
I am on a Quest to reach the Chamber of
Sparkly Things!
Evil Voice
To pass through the Gates
of Monstrosity, you must answer the Riddle. Are you prepared to face the
challenge?
Hydrogen Guy
I am prepared!
Evil Voice
If you do not answer the
Riddle, your flesh will be torn asunder! Are you prepared to face
death?
Hydrogen Guy
I have survived the Maze of Eternity,
battled the horrible Anglotaur, crossed the Pit of Flaming Death, and traversed
the Conveyer Belt of Calamity. I am prepared to face death!
There was a lengthy pause.
Evil Voice
None have answered the
Riddle of the Gate and survived!
Hydrogen Guy
But you've never asked it of Hydrogen
Guy before!
Another pause.
Evil Voice
It's a very good
Riddle.
Hydrogen Guy
Yes, I'm sure it is. But I'm ready for
it.
Evil Voice
Would you like a couple
of warm-up riddles first? Just to be sure?
Hydrogen Guy
No, I think I'd like to answer the big
Riddle now, if you don't mind.
Evil Voice
If you get it wrong, your
flesh will be torn asunder...
Hydrogen Guy
You've already said that! Now just ask
me the damn Riddle!
There was the longest pause yet. Muffled sounds of frantic discussion could be heard from somewhere overhead. Finally, the Evil Voice spoke - but sounding somewhat less evil, and, well, embarrassed.
Evil Voice
Um... there isn't
one.
Hydrogen Guy
What do you mean, there isn't
one?
Evil Voice
There is no Riddle. There
was supposed to be, but the shipment never arrived.
Dédelle
Mon Dieu, that's right! We were
supposed to order one after the 1980 Referendum, but in the confusion
afterwards... Oh my, this is embarrassing.
Evil Voice
Embarrassing for you?
What about me? I've been sitting here blustering about this all-fire wonderful,
impossible Riddle for twenty years, when there's never been any Riddle! Usually
the threat is enough to scare people off... but now! My self-esteem is
completely shot to hell, there's no way I can pretend about job satisfaction
anymore...
Hydrogen Guy
Look, I'm sorry I was a little rude
before... I was wondering, since there's no Riddle...
Evil Voice
Oh, well, yes, that's
only fair...
The Gates swung open, revealing a darkened corridor beyond. As I turned to say my good-bye to Dédelle, the Evil Voice spoke again - with a noticeable effort to regain some of its old pomp.
Evil Voice
Rene Dédelle.. the
geis Savadini has placed on you is fulfilled. A Champion you have found, and he
has proven worthy. You, also, may pass.
I looked at Dédelle in surprise.
Hydrogen Guy
Champion? What's all that
about?
For a man who had won his freedom after twenty years, he looked surprisingly unaffected.
Dédelle
Savadini's geis was that I could not
pass the Gates unless I had found a worthy Champion. I could not mention it to
you, because that would break the terms of the geis. The Champion had to come of
his own free will. So you thank me for leading you out of the Maze... and I must
thank you for the same.
Hydrogen Guy
Jeez, Rene, you're going to make me all
teary-eyed... But what about your bridge game?
Dédelle
Heh. Somehow, after all this, bridge
would be anticlimactic. Besides, Frank will probably still be upset about his
hair...
Hydrogen Guy
Frank?
Dédelle
The Anglotaur.
Hydrogen Guy
Oh. Right.
We walked through the Gates of Monstrosity and started down the dark corridor to our destination. Behind us, we heard the Gates call out...
Evil Voice
Sorry to disappoint you!
You'll find the Wheel of Abject Terror far more satisfying, trust
me...
The Wheel of Abject Terror
Hydrogen Guy
AAAAAH! AAH-AAAA! EEEEYYYYAAAAAAAH!!
AAAAH!
Dédelle
ARRRGGH!! Erk... eck... AAAAH!
AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAH!
Hydrogen Guy
WHAAAA-AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!!! NO! AAAAAH!
AAAAAAAH!!!!
Dédelle
HYAAAAEEEERRRAAAAHHH! AAAAH!
AAAAH!
It was sometime later that we finally regained coherency. I pulled the sack of no-name brand grape jelly that was Rene Dédelle to his feet.
Hydrogen Guy
That... was truly... horrible...
Dédelle
*GASP* I cannot believe we survived
that... It was truly inhuman...
Hydrogen Guy
I didn't know it was
possible...
I looked around us. We were in a crude dungeon, a cave hewn out of the rock below the Temple. A corridor leading out was blocked by a door of iron bars. I had no memory of how I had gotten there. We were both weaponless.
A light appeared in the corridor.
Dédelle
Merde. The Wheelman is
returning.
A wretched-looking creature, a malnourished gargoyle of a man dressed in ragged grey robes appeared at the door carrying a lantern. He hung the lantern just outside the door, unlocked the door, and stepped inside.
Wheelman
Réveillez, mes amis! Time for
another spin at the Wheel! Oh fantastic, you're both still alive. How
tasty!
Hydrogen Guy
I demand that you let us go!
Wheelman
Bullshit, you worm. You must be made to
confess.
Hydrogen Guy
Confess what?
Wheelman
Ah, but you're so full of shit. Don't try
anything, worm, I can kill you with my mind and I wouldn't break a sweat. Off
you go, to the Wheel, before I crush your head.
Hydrogen Guy
Oooh, you're so tough. Mr. Big
Head-Imploder Torture Man. Bend any good spoons lately?
Wheelman
Don't mock me, dung maggot! You leech on
the ass of a plague-infested pig with diarrhea, I'm suppressing your hydrogen
powers telekinetically. Go on, try something.
I tried making another hydrogen flare. Nothing. I couldn't even rub two atoms together. This effectively ruled out blowing him to bits with a hydrogen explosion, or acidifying his body fluids...
Hydrogen Guy
So you are. So what, buddy?
Dédelle
I wouldn't antagonize
him...
Wheelman
No, my little anthrax scab, I
wouldn't.
He glanced at Dédelle. Dédelle was picked up by an invisible force and thrown across the room, bouncing off the wall onto the rock floor. He groaned.
Hydrogen Guy
You're a pansy, Wheelman, picking on
the powerless. A wimp, a wuss, a poof. You wear your mother's silk panties
because jockeys chafe your little wee-wee.
Wheelman
You have infuriated me, you parasite in the
belly of a dead maggot!! I don't care if you ever confess, I'll strap you to the
Wheel and leave you there until your brains ooze out from underneath your
toenails!
Hydrogen Guy
You're afraid that if we had equal
powers, I'd beat you. And I would, too. My ex's mother was a very bad Hungarian
cook.
Wheelman
You insolent, pestilent pimple on a monk's
balls, I could beat you without my incredible psychic powers!
Hydrogen Guy
Very well, then, I challenge you to a
duel. No psychic powers for you, no hydrogen powers for me. A gentlemanly
contest of sword against ruler. If you can take it.
Wheelman
Of course I can take it! I laugh at you, ha
ha, like that. Here...
He reached into his tunic and pulled out the Ruler of Elendil. He tossed it to me, and pulled out a two-handed broadsword. I made a mental note to ask Dédelle where the Temple inhabitants got these unbelievable tunics.
Wheelman
Let us begin!
Hydrogen Guy
All-righty, then!
The battle was classic hack and slash. He swung the broad-sword at me, and I dodged. No chance parrying that sort of blow - the Ruler would hold, but the force of the impact might break my arm. He was powerful for a little man, and quick. I had expected fencing, but this more basic combat was enough for what I had in mind. I tried to harry him like a terrier between attacks, but he parried my thrusts easily.
Wheelman
Hah! Regretting your taunts now, my
flatulent little afterbirth?
Hydrogen Guy
Not at all...
I dodged a blow which very nearly took off my leg.
Hydrogen Guy
I still find you vile and repulsive.
Like a Republican, only you seem to bathe less.
Wheelman
Oh really?
With a heave, he swung for my head. I ducked just in time, but the sudden movement caused me to stumble. The Wheelman raised his sword above his head, ready to hack me in two.
Wheelman
Die screaming, carrion slug!
Hydrogen Guy
Just try it, you fungal infection on
the slack-sphinctered anus of a tick-infested sheep-shagging Reform Party
dropout!
He froze and his eyes bugged out of his head. He uttered a faint, choking gasp, and toppled over backwards, stiff as a board.
Dédelle helped me to my feet. We both looked at the Wheelman's body, his face still frozen in a ghastly look of surprise. A quick once-over with the Scan-O-MaticTM confirmed that he was dead.
Hydrogen Guy
Cardiac arrest induced by sub-psychic
shock.
Dédelle
You insulted him to death?
Hydrogen Guy
I bet it was the "Reform Party" bit
that did it.
Dédelle reached into the Wheelman's tunic and grabbed his keys. He unlocked the door to our cell, and I followed him out. Taking the Wheelman's torch, we made our way down the rough-hewn dungeon hallway. The hall ended abruptly in a dead-end - an ancient ladder led twenty feet up the rock wall to a trap door in the wooden ceiling. Taking the torch from Dédelle, I lead the way up.
The trapdoor was open, I pushed it open into a pitch black chamber. Climbing up through the hole in the floor, we surveyed what was around us. Apparently - nothing. We seemed to be in a cavern, but the torch light showed no walls or ceiling. The room must have been huge, larger even than the Hydrogen Cave back home.
Hydrogen Guy
What now?
Dédelle
I don't know. This is not the way we
came.
Hydrogen Guy
Should we strike out in some direction,
see where it takes us?
Dédelle
That may not be such a good idea...
remember the multi-dimensional architecture of the Temple. We might stumble back
into the Maze by accident.
Hydrogen Guy
So? What should we do?
Dédelle
Why do you ask me? I'm just an old
man.
Hydrogen Guy
You built this place, don't you even have
an idea where you are?
Dédelle
Maybe I designed it - but my designs
were twisted by Savadini. I remember no place such as this in my
design.
Hydrogen Guy
Well, come on - I'm trying this
direction.
Dédelle
Suit yourself. Me, I will try this way.
Raise a cry if you find something, agreed?
Hydrogen Guy
Agreed.
I handed him the torch and lit myself a hydrogen flare. We head off in separate directions, Dédelle choosing a direction normal to mine. We lost sight of one another in seconds. The darkness in this cavern seemed to have an almost palpable quality - as if it wasn't just the absence of light but a thing in itself, with a taste, smell and texture. I walked for about five minutes with glimpsing a cavern wall. Then, I though I saw a pinpoint of light ahead of me. I called out to Dédelle.
Hydrogen Guy
Dédelle! I think I see the exit!
There's light ahead of me!
He answered back, his voice floating back to me from some unfathomable distance.
Dédelle
Moi aussi, mon ami! I can reach it in a
few minutes, I think.
Hydrogen Guy
All right! You check yours out, I'll check
this one out! We'll tell each other what we find!
I quickened my pace towards the light. After a minute or two, I could make out that it seemed to be coming from a single torch, possibly flanking an exit door. A few minutes more and I could make out it out more clearly - oddly, it seemed to bob up and down. Soon enough I knew why. I stopped and started at the light, and laughed - I couldn't help it. I really should have expected this.
Dédelle
Merde! What are you laughing at, this is
not funny!
Hydrogen Guy
What else can I do?
We stood facing each other at a distance of about twenty feet. The light I'd been heading towards was Dédelle's torch, while he'd been heading for my flare. We approached each other until we met in the middle. The middle of what, we didn't know.
Hydrogen Guy
Did you circle around?
Dédelle
Non. Did you?
Hydrogen Guy
Not that I'm aware of.
I looked down at my feet. I could make out the outline of the trap door we had started from.
Hydrogen Guy
Another trick of ten-dimensional space, I
bet.
Dédelle
Damn Savadini! He could not leave my
plans well-enough alone!
I was about to make a cutting remark about his artistic pride when I felt something tug at my sleeve. I turned around and saw nothing.
Hydrogen Guy
Was that you?
Dédelle
Was what me?
I felt it again, on the other sleeve. Then a tug at my pant-leg, and my cape.
Hydrogen Guy
That...
Dédelle
Eh?
He was looking around himself, puzzled. Apparently being worried by the same thing. I whirled around, stepped to the right and then the left. The tugs on my clothing kept up. Dédelle was swatting himself, dancing around as if he was being attacked by mosquitoes.
Hydrogen Guy
What are they?
Dédelle
I don't know! They're *GASP*
He clutched at his throat. I rushed towards him, but stumbled over some invisible obstacle. The feeling of thousands of invisible hands tugging my clothes intensified - I tried to get to my feet but something was holding me down. Next I felt the hands on my throat, squeezing my wind-pipe.
Hydrogen Guy
*gack*
Dédelle
The... dark....
He was clawing frantically at the air, forced to his knees as I was. I felt my throat being crushed, and my mind span from lack of oxygen. The dark? Was it the darkness itself attacking us? Was my earlier fanciful notion that it was a "thing" correct?
Whatever it was it had now given up tugging me and was trying to crush me to the ground, still choking me. I wavered at the edge of unconsciousness. With my last strength, I concentrated on the hydrogen flare hovering nearby.
The flare exploded into a fireball, as it sought out every hydrogen atom it could. The strange cavern was flooded with intense white light. The force attacking me faltered, than faded into nothing.
I blinked several times and took a deep, unencumbered breath, then got to my feet. Dédelle was doing the same.
Burning in the air about ten feet above us was my handiwork, a miniature sun about a foot in diameter. The "cavern" was flooded with light - we were standing in a rough cylindrical chamber no more than twenty feet across.
Hydrogen Guy
Surreal.
Dédelle
Did you make that?
He pointed at the sun, shielding his eyes from its glare.
Hydrogen Guy
It's a ball of hydrogen plasma. That's not
all me, though - I didn't expect it to get that big - it's feeding off
some other energy source in the room. Probably whatever enchantment Savadini
laid down in here.
Dédelle
Well can you turn it down? I'm getting a
sunburn!
I reached out with my telekinetic hydrogen field and found that I could. The sun dimmed until it was glowing a comfortable red, like a floating charcoal briquette. The plasma ball was breaking several important laws of physics, and I was anxious to get out of this chamber before the Universe figured this out.
I looked up past the plasma ball. The walls of the chamber stretched up what looked like a couple stories, and the chamber was capped by a glass dome. I could see starlight through the glass. Just below the dome, an ornate golden door was set in the wall.
Hydrogen Guy
Exit ho! Grab hold, Rene, it's piggy back
time.
Mumbling about his dignity being affronted, Dédelle grabbed me around my shoulders. Carefully aiming myself away from the glowing plasma ball, I jumped, and sailed skywards. Next stop, the Chamber of Sparkly Things.
The Chamber of Sparkly Things
Finally, after hours of danger-filled Questing, I'd reached my destination - The Chamber of Sparkly Things, the very heart of the Temple of Hull. I was briefly worried that with Dédelle's weight I wouldn't make it to the golden door, but my ascent was slowed by gravity just level with the door. I kicked at the door and sailed back into the opposite wall.
Dédelle
OOF! Tabernacle, it opens OUT, you
imbecile!
Hydrogen Guy
Jeez, sorry! Cut me some slack, will
you?
I floated back to the golden door. There was no handle on this side, but I managed to grab hold of a carved gargoyle which looked suspiciously like John Diefenbaker. I pulled, and the doors reluctantly swung open. We floated inside and my feet touched a gold-inlaid marble floor.
The Chamber was named well. The whole room was done in gold filigree, with massive heaps of gold, silver, diamonds and other glimmering valuables scattered about the floor. I couldn't help but whistle appreciatively as I looked around.
Hydrogen Guy
Wow, what a really set-up... the
Québec government's gotta still be paying this off.
Dédelle nearly slipped on a marble-sized emerald.
Dédelle
Whoof! Damn it... eh? Yes, I was not
in charge of the Chamber's decor. It was some American contractor, I think he
went on to build casinos in Vegas.
The room was in the shape of a great parabola. The focus of the room was a raised platform, on the platform was a pillar of solid platinum, and on top of the pillar was Doug's grinning, rubbery head, illuminated from above by a single ray of light.
Hydrogen Guy
This is awfully "Indiana Jones" for my
taste.
Dédelle
I don't understand.
Hydrogen Guy
Oh, the things you missed in the eighties,
Rene...
I pulled out the Scan-O- MaticTM and slowly walked up to the platform. I detected nothing to indicate any traps. Pocketing the Scan-O- MaticTM, I put one foot up on the platform, reached up, and grabbed Doug's head.
Nothing happened.
I stepped away from the platform and looked into the ghastly mug.
Hydrogen Guy
Doug! How've ya been, buddy?
Dédelle
This is the object of your Quest, eh?
You are crazy.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, good sensai's don't come outta the
factory in Taiwan every day.
Suddenly, thunder rolled across the room. The lights dimmed. The air above us shimmered, and then there appeared a giant, green, smirking head, gazing down at us. An awfully familiar head, and I don't mean Doug's.
Hydrogen Guy
Hans-Raoul.
Hans-Raoul
At your service, Hydrogen Guy.
Dédelle
Who is this?
Hydrogen Guy
"Apollo Renard", if I'm not
mistaken.
Hans-Raoul
Good guess, Hydrogen Guy. It's true, I've
been here in Québec for several months, setting up this little
Referendum. When you came to Ottawa, I decided that I had to take a crack at
you. After all, that's what ICBC hired me for.
Hans-Raoul, sometimes called Galerkin, ICBC's Vice-President in charge of rubbing me out. And he's more than that, too, as I found out on an unexpected trip to the future Deuterium Boy and I took a while back...
Dédelle strode up to the platform and stood next to me. He stared up at the hologram.
Dédelle
Apollo Renard... so that is who you
claim to be? What is the meaning of all this?
Hans-Raoul
René Dédelle... Savadini
mentioned you. So you're still alive, are you? All the better. We are poised to
achieve the Victory that eluded your regime, and all that stands our way is this
atomic imbecile here... Him and ethnic vote, of course.
Hydrogen Guy
Love love love, HR.
Dédelle
You are a power hungry madman,
Renard! You will never get away with this!!
Hydrogen Guy
I can't believe you actually said
that.
Hans-Raoul grinned. He spoke to Dédelle in accentless French.
Hans-Raoul
<< You are a fool, Dédelle.
We're poised on the brink of a great new Québecois state, a bold new
power in the Western world, without the dead weight of English Canada to hold us
back... >>
Dédelle
<< You mock me, Renard... You
mock me and you mock the people of Québec. You are using the dreams of
our nation for your own purposes. I want no part of a Québec controlled
by the likes of you and the SAAQ! >>
Hydrogen Guy
May I interrupt for a moment?
Hans-Raoul
I'm sorry, Hydrogen Guy... Dédelle
and I were discussing the bright new future that awaits Québec after we
win the Referendum.
Hydrogen Guy
I know what you're up to here, Hans-Raoul.
I won't let you manipulate this planet's history, with or without your Chaos
Orb.
Hans-Raoul raised an eyebrow.
Hans-Raoul
You're a man of mystery, Hydrogen Guy. How
did you know about the Orb? I'm getting the feeling that this exercise wasn't a
full test of your abilities.
Hydrogen Guy
How about you forget about the "Wizard
of Oz" special effects and let us out of here?
Hans-Raoul
I'd love to Hydrogen Guy, but I'm afraid
that you and Dédelle are a liability to me. I can't let you leave this
Temple alive.
Something small and green bounced off my nose. I stooped to pick it up.
Hydrogen Guy
Parsley?
Hans-Raoul
Yes, Hydrogen Guy - one last spell
Savadini cast on the Temple. I hope you can swim in it.
He chuckled dryly, and the hologram vanished. So, too, did the floor under us, and for the second time today we fell - this time into a pit filled with -
Dédelle
What?! What is this?!
Hydrogen Guy
It's - it's a sea of parsley! We're
swimming in parsley!
More little sprigs began sprinkling down on us from above, and then the sprinkle became a downpour. I looked up and could see the night sky through rapidly expanding holes in the roof. The walls, too, seemed to be melting into floods of jaunty little green leafy stems...
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost! The entire
Temple is disintegrating into parsley!!
Hans-Raoul
Yes, Hydrogen Guy. And beware of the
Parsley Sharks - they're not vegetarians...
Suddenly I saw the green fins circling us in the parsley. I stuffed Doug's head into my Useful Things belt and swam over to Dédelle.
Hydrogen Guy
I realize you're new to these
super-villain confrontations, so let me clear up any confusion you might have -
what's happening now, is a very bad thing.
Dédelle
I know that, you idiot!
The parsley continued to come down in floods. The sea of parsley had become a river, and we were being swept through the Temple corridors by the current. A shark lunged out of the parsley behind me. I batted it away with the Ruler of Elendil.
Dédelle
We are going to drown in parsley! Or
be eaten by the sharks!
Hydrogen Guy
Wait! Xonfir's Magic Donut! If we eat
the donut, we can breathe parsley!!
Dédelle
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard!
I pulled the donut out of it's compartment, tore it in two, and offered half to Dédelle.
Dédelle
No! Save it for yourself! I am old,
I'll taker my chances with the sharks!
Hydrogen Guy
What are you, some kind of nutbar? Take
the donut!
Dédelle
Half may not be enough!
Hydrogen Guy
I can't just —
Dédelle
You cannot change my mind. Whatever
you do, you must stop SAAQ! Good luck!
The current swept him away from me. I saw him grab the fin of a Parsley Shark, and a moment later, he was out of sight.
Half a donut may not be enough, I thought, but I couldn't ignore my super-hero instincts. I tossed half the donut after him, then ate the other half. It had kind of a lemony-kiwi filling, quite tasty. I dove down into the river of parsley, and to my amazement, found I could breathe!
I kept swimming down, and eventually glimpsed asphalt. We had been swept out of the Temple and into the street. I rode along with the current for a while until I spotted a street lamp. I grabbed on and started swimming up. I broke through to the surface, then climbed my way clear of the parsley river, to the top of the street lamp. From there I used my hydrogen powers to float to the top of the nearest building.
I looked down and saw the great stream of parsley flowing through the streets and into the Ottawa River. Odd as it may sound, it was a breathtaking sight. After a while, the torrent subsided, and there was nothing left but a blanket of green covering the streets that would really confuse morning commuters. Where the Temple of Hull once stood, there was now just a hole in the ground filled with parsley. Out on the River, a great parsley slick floated gently out towards the St. Lawrence seaway...
As I gazed out at the parsley-covered river, I thought about what had just happened. No, not Dédelle's ten-dimensional Temple magically dissolving into a leafy garnish, the rest of it. In one week, I thought, the people of Québec would vote on their province's future, a future that Hans-Raoul was hoping to eliminate. But to what end? I knew he had to be stopped. Somehow, Doug and I had to try and turn the tide - of public opinion, not parsley - and convince the people of Québec that now was the not the right time to go it alone.
I thought about Rene Dédelle - the enigmatic separatist, architect, prisoner - and what else? The hints he had dropped nagged at my mind. But even more so, he had changed my thinking. I had found him a man I could respect despite our different ideas about something that was very dear to both of us.
I sighed, and pulled Doug's head, body, and a tube of Sooper-Gloo out of my Useful Things belt. I dabbed his vertebrae with the Gloo and stuck his head and body back together. I held him up in front of me and looked into his rubbery face.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Doug. Let's go get a hot
chocolate.
Doug
*gurgle*
[fade to green; roll credits]