Episode 29

The Bombastic Bean Bomb of Oblivion!

The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch. V

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

It is another peaceful Saturday morning in the sleepy British Columbian metropolis of Maple Ridge. The Lougheed highways snakes along the east end waterfront , while the mighty Fraser River flows serenely past the city. In truth, not much is happening at the moment. Suddenly, the morning stillness is broken by a squeal of tires! A sleek black Camaro careens around a corner and roars down the Lougheed highway. Close behind it comes a familiar red truck, siren blaring - it's the Tritium Truck, Deuterium Boy's high tech Nissan of Justice, hot in pursuit of nefarious evil-doers!

Deuterium Boy
The Obsidian Roc's not getting away from us this time!

Not just any evil-doers - but the Obsidian Roc, notorious ICBC jewel thief and tax fraud! Fresh from some new atrocity, no doubt!

Deuterium Boy
Seventy-five outstanding parking tickets - including three for parking in a handicapped zone.

The villain! Has he no shame at all?

Deuterium Boy's stunning and capable partner, Helium Girl, the Lighter-than-Air Maiden of Justice, points excitedly at the windshield.

Helium Girl
They're, like, totally heading for the Albion ferry!

Deuterium Boy
I see it, Helium Girl!

The Tritium Truck weaves in and out of traffic as the highway brings the high-speed chase parallel to the river. Still leading, the Camaro is heading for a turn-off which leads to the Albion ferry, a car and passenger ferry which shuttles traffic between Maple Ridge City and the suburb of Langley.

Deuterium Boy passes a slow-moving milk truck and narrows the gap between the two cars, thanks to some fancy driving. Shots ring out from the Camaro, and bullets ricochet off the Tritium Truck's hood!

Helium Girl
Like, ohmigod, Deuterium Boy, they're like totally shooting at us!!

Deuterium Boy
Never fear, Helium Girl! Their bullets can't pierce the Tritium Truck's deuterium reinforced Teflon-titanium windshield! And, y'know, even if they do, I know a good repair shop, so we're covered. Ready to return fire?

Helium Girl
Huh?

Deuterium Boy
Are the torpedoes ready to be launched?

Helium Girl
Um,...

Deuterium Boy
The set of lights above the DVD player.

Helium Girl
Oh, okay, yah! Ready!

Deuterium Boy hits the launch button and fires two tritium KA-ZOT highway torpedoes at the fleeing Camaro. One hits the asphalt to the left of the target, causing both cars to swerve to the right, and the other veers randomly and blows up a nearby fruit stand. Deuterium Boy peers guiltily in the rear-view at the irate fruit seller.

Deuterium Boy
Whoops. I gotta get this guidance system looked at.

Helium Girl
Yeah, well, that's what you get for buying it off my brother Derek.

Deuterium Boy
He works at Radio Shack, he's supposed to know what he's talking about!

Deuterium Boy
It's the Tritium Phone. Would you get that?

Helium Girl
Sure.

She pulls the flashing green cell phone out of its compartment of the dash and flips open the mouthpiece.

Helium Girl
Hello?

The Camaro reaches 240th St. exit ramp and makes a sharp right - without signaling! The Tritium Truck follows milli-seconds behind. The adversaries hurtle down the ramp towards the ferry quay. The ferry sits in the dock, standing empty as its crew prepares for the next sailing. On the quay, a long queue of cars is waiting to load. The Camaro swerves past them and rockets down the dock.

Suddenly, the driver loses control! The speeding Camaro flies off the dock, spins a full 360 degrees in the air, and crashes down onto the boat!

The waiting drivers clap and cheer appreciatively, ducking the occasional piece of burning debris raining from the sky.

Deuterium Boy spies the burning boat straight ahead of him and swerves to the right taking the Tritium Truck down an empty dock and off the edge! As the truck sails through the air, the Tritium Tires inflate to several times their normal volume, becoming four buoyant balloons. The truck plunges into the river. For a moment it disappears, then it pops up like a cork, right-side up. Deuterium Boy restarts the Tritium Turbines and steers the floating truck away from the flaming debris of the ferry.

Deuterium Boy
The Roc! Where's the Obsidian Roc!

Helium Girl
[pointing] Look, up there!

Deuterium Boys spots a jet-ejector seat soaring away from the burning boat.

Helium Girl
Like, is it him?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, it's him. Damn you, Black Roc!!

Police cars start arriving at the docks with lights flashing and sirens screaming, as irate ferry workers haul the Obsidian Roc's henchman out of the water. Deuterium Boy steers the Tritium Truck back to the dock.

Deuterium Boy
[sighs] Well, I guess we should get out there and help clean up the mess... You realise now, we might not make our quota for the week. Who was on the phone?

Helium Girl
What phone? When?

Deuterium Boy
The Tritium Phone? Just a couple minutes ago?

Helium Girl
Oh, that, right! It was, like, the Mayor's office, and we're like totally invited to this emergency committee meeting.

Deuterium Boy
An emergency committee meeting? Holy Red Tape, Helium Girl, what kind of mind-shattering disaster could precipitate that?

Helium Girl
Um, I dunno, I got bored and started thinking about my hair...

Deuterium Boy
The clean-up will just have to wait while we find out for ourselves. To City Hall! Batten down the hatches, Helium Girl! Jig the mainsail, till the rudder, and bring the aft turbines to speed!

Helium Girl
Oh, just floor it, dipstick.

A short time later - the Mayor's Office, Maple Ridge City Hall. It is a conventional office with the obligatory nylon plants and harassed secretary. The secretary looks up at the Deuterium Avenger and the Inert Amazon as they enter.

Secretary
Can I help you?

Deuterium Boy
Greetings, citizen office worker! We're here to save the city!

Secretary
Do you have an appointment to save the city, or are you just a nut-bar in tights?

Helium Girl
Both. We got a call, like, from the Mayor?

Secretary
Let me check the appointment book... Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl?

Deuterium Boy
That's us!

Secretary
Down the hall to your left.

A moment later they burst theatrically into the Mayor's private conference room, where the Mayor and several other concerned-looking men are seated around a conference table. The Mayor, a frighteningly good-looking man in late middle-age, grins at them in relief.

Mayor
Deuterium Boy! Terrific, just great, I thought I heard your theme music down the hall!

Deuterium Boy
Mayor Bradley, let me introduce you to my new partner, Helium Girl.

Mayor
Mayor Chad Bradley, Public Servant Extraordinaire. Terrific, I mean sincerely great, to make your acquaintance, Helium Girl.

Helium Girl
Totally.

Mayor
I hope you don't mind my saying it, Helium Girl, but that's a shockingly short skirt you're wearing.

Helium Girl
All the better to display my bullet-proof thighs, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor
Terrific. Let's get down to business shall we? I believe you know Police Chief Soong of the MRPD and Special Agent Parker from CSIS's Super-Heroes and Villains Department. And this is Dr. Dwayne Turdston, from the SHVD's Agricultural Physics group.

Deuterium Boy
Dr. Turdston.

Turdston
Nice to meet you, Deuterium Boy, Helium Girl.

Mayor
Great, just terrific. That's great. Anyone for a mint? No? Everyone, have a seat. Chief, why don't you bring us all up to speed on the situation.

Soong
Aye, yer Honour. We got a call about 8:15 this mornin' down at the precinct...

Deuterium Boy
Maple Ridge doesn't have precincts.

Soong
All right, then, fer cryin' out loud it was at Tim Horton's. Faith 'n' begorrah, don't ye be makin' any cracks about cops and donuts, y'hear?

Deuterium Boy
I promise.

Helium Girl
[aside to DB] Like, why is he talking like that? Isn't he, like, Chinese or something?

Deuterium Boy
[aside] Korean, actually. But the RFC on police chiefs require them to talk with a bad Irish accent.

Soong
At any rate, we got a call from an individual identifyin' himself as "Beano, Grand Poobah of All Pants", threatenin' to set off a bean fusion device in downtown Maple Ridge ninety minutes from now, unless we be meetin' his demands.

Deuterium Boy
Which are?

Soong
He's wantin' the Premier of the Province, dressed in a red clown nose and a cherry pink taffeta gown, t'be deliverin' eight zillion dollars in dimes - I'm quotin' the exact figure, mind - and a pony to a deserted farm house in Whonnock.

Deuterium Boy
So you suspect this Beano may be a little unbalanced?

Parker
The Malevolent Beano is no run-of-the-mill lunatic, my fine fermionic friend. He's the homicidal clown villain to end all homicidal clown villains. He's got a passion for beans and a history of snuffing superheroes.

Deuterium Boy
Right, I think I remember his file now - he was the one who offed the Masked Newfie with the Tobinizer ray, wasn't he?

Parker
No, that was Brian Tobin. Beano fed Wheat Woman to a grain thresher in Saskatchewan and torpedoed Speed Boater with a pornographically shaped U-boat in Victoria.

Helium Girl
Oh my god! Are you, like, trying to get rid of us or something?

Mayor
With the tourism dollars you kids bring in? Ha ha ha!

Deuterium Boy
What exactly is a bean fusion bomb?

Parker
Turdston?

Turdston
The most dangerous weapon ever made by agricultural physics, I'm afraid. Beans are well known as the least energetically stable members of the vegetable family. That's why their effects can be rather powerful, if you know what I mean...

Helium Girl
No, like, what do you mean?

Deuterium Boy
I'll tell you later.

Helium Girl
I don't get it...

Deuterium Boy
I'm not surprised.

Turdston
In a bean fusion device, four beans under pressure fuse to create a turnip and a deadly shower of radioactive garbonzons. If a device like this went off downtown, it would vapourize the entire city of Maple Ridge and cover the province as far as Kamloops - not to mention parts of Washington, Idaho and Oregon - with a stench like the inside of a cow's lower intestine.

Deuterium Boy
Holy musical fruits!

Helium Girl
Eww...

Mayor
Deuterium Boy, we can't take the chance that this Beano character is bluffing. We have to consider the safety of the vo - the people of Maple Ridge. Not to mention that cherry pink isn't one of the Premier's colours! He's an Autumn, dammit, any fool can see that!

Soong
Aye, easy now, yer Honour...

Mayor
Sorry, Soong. I get so damn fired up about colour-coordination.

Deuterium Boy
That's perfectly understandable, Mr. Mayor. Chief, what about the deserted farmhouse? Have you checked it out?

Soong
Aye, me boys have it surrounded. Parker and his crew've been over, under, around, and through the place, but sure as sure can be, it's just a shack. No secret hideout, no bomb, and no Beano.

Deuterium Boy
Too bad, that would've made it easy.

He gets to his feet. Helium Girl follows suit.

Deuterium Boy
Don't worry, Mr. Mayor - we'll find Beano the Clown and put an end to his little stink bomb of infamy!

Mayor
Terrific, just great! I knew we could count on you!

Parker
The Chief and I will be here to back you up whenever you need it. You know the number.

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, Parker.

Turdston
Deuterium Boy, wait! Take this little gadget - it's a microwave pulse source.

He hands Deuterium Boy a small object - it is cylindrical, a few centimeters long, featureless, and rounded on either end.

Turdston
The microwave pulse will cook the beans, rendering them harmless and mushy. Use it to disarm the bomb safely. Just give it a twist, here, to activate it.

Deuterium Boy
Dr. Turdston - please don't take this as a criticism, but this device... er... looks an awful lot like...

Parker
Feminine protection ain't just chartreuse flame-throwers, Deuterium Boy. The boys down at the lab disguised it to look like an innocuous tampon, just in case Beano captured and tortured you.

Deuterium Boy
Good thinking, but... er...

Turdston
We were out of disguise ball-point pens, I'm afraid. It was either this or a spatula.

Deuterium Boy
I'd rather have the spatula.

Helium Girl
Oh grow up, DB... here give it to me, it'll look totally less suspicious if I've got it....

She slips it into a compartment on her Useful Things belt.

Deuterium Boy
Okay. Well, we've no time to lose, Helium Girl. To the Tritium Truck!

Mayor
Good luck, Defenders of Justice! Here, take some mints with you!

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, Mr. Mayor. If Beano wants to make a big stink, we'll just have to fight him with freshness!

Helium Girl
Do you, like, listen to yourself when you say that kinda stuff?

Armed with determination, courage, and minty fresh breath, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl set off in pursuit of the Malevolent Beano. Their first stop: the Hydrogen Cave, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy's arsenal of freedom!

Deuterium Boy
We have one hour... we can't waste time searching the city ourselves. I'll scan the city for the bean bomb using the secret Hydrogen Spy Satellite. You check the phone books.

Helium Girl
Sure. Just a sec, I'll be right back.

Deuterium Boy
Where are you going?

Helium Girl
Bathroom, twit.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, right. Just make it snappy.

Helium Girl
Yes sir, Mr. Bladder of Steel.

Deuterium Boy goes to the Hydrogen Spy Satellite Control Unit as Helium Girl disappears into the back. He flips the master power switch - the console lights up like a 21st century Lite-Brite.

Deuterium Boy
Computer?

Computer
Gvlplrk! Futz! Num-num-num!

Deuterium Boy
Uh huh. What seems to be the problem... oh, here it is, this SCSI cable's ripped. Must have happened during that last climactic fight scene. I'll just duct tape this baby back together...

He pulls a hose clamp and a roll of duct tape out of his Useful Things belt and goes to work. He finishes up and stands up.

Deuterium Boy
Computer, respond...

Computer
All systems operational within standard guidelines. Would you like to play "Solitaire"?

Deuterium Boy
No. Search the Maple Ridge area for the Malevolent Beano and/or a bean fusion device.

Computer
Initializing Hydrogen Spy Satellite. Please wait.

He waits.

Deuterium Boy
Connection's slow today.

Computer
Perhaps you'd like a latté while you wait.

Deuterium Boy
Maybe later.

Helium Girl returns and heads for the telephone bench. Deuterium Boy drums his fingers impatiently on the desktop.

Computer
Hydrogen Spy Satellite ready. All systems operating within standard guidelines. Commencing search. Please wait.

A few seconds pass.

Computer
Satellite Error. Aborting search.

Deuterium Boy
What! Why? What happened?

Computer
Searching core file. Please wait... Analysis: NASA astronauts did not remove Spy Satellite's lens cap.

Deuterium Boy
What?!

Computer
This never would have happened back when JFK was in charge.

Helium Girl
Hey! I found Beano!

Deuterium Boy
[mutters] At least someone around here is useful.

Computer
Send it to /dev/null, buddy.

He leaves the computer and goes to join Helium Girl. She has the phone book open in front of her.

Helium Girl
It's, like, right here in the Yellow Pages under "Clowns - Evil".

Deuterium Boy
Well done, Helium Girl! Red door behind 7-11, eh?

Helium Girl
Do you think it's, like, a trap or something?

Deuterium Boy
Nah, if it was a trap, he couldn't list it in the Yellow Pages.

He glances at the clock.

Deuterium Boy
An hour and ten minutes to deadline, we'd better move. To -

Helium Girl
To the Tritium Truck!

Deuterium Boy
Hey, that's my line!

A seedy alley behind the downtown 7-11. The Tritium Truck pulls up, and Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl get out; Deuterium Boy activates the truck's alarm. At the end of the alley is the Red Door, ominous in its innocuousness. They stand by the truck, watching it for signs of villainy. Deuterium Boy steels himself.

Deuterium Boy
I'm going to knock. Be ready.

Helium Girl
Okay.

He approaches the door, and Helium Girl follows cautiously behind. He raises his fist and knocks, three times. One the other side of the door there is a loud "ka-chunk" as a bolt is drawn back - they jump back, startled.

With a ponderous creak, the door opens slowly into the alley. They take another step back, but they simply find themselves looking down a dark and empty corridor. Deuterium Boy clears his throat and calls out.

Deuterium Boy
Hello? Is anyone there?

No response.

Deuterium Boy
Uh... We're looking for Louie!

Suddenly the corridor is filled by a gigantic, hairy purple hand, which reaches through the door and grabs them in its enormous palm.

Deuterium Boy & Helium Girl
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It drags them inside and the door slams shut. The wino in the corner behind the dumpster rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl are dropped in a bright yellow room painted with red, blue and green polka dots. Sitting on an enormous throne in the middle of the room is a short, fat clown in a huge red afro wig and alarming face paint. He is wearing a baggy jumpsuit, covered in stripes and multi-coloured patches, and on his feet are the traditional giant shoes.

Deuterium Boy sits up and groans. He shakes his head to clear it.

Deuterium Boy
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!!

Beano
Louie.

Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl get to their feet. The look around the room, taking stock of their situation. Except for the trap-door above them, there are no obvious ways in or out. Then again, other than the strange creature in front of them, there is nothing in the room that appears overtly threatening either. The clown salutes them with a loud raspberry.

Deuterium Boy
The Malevolent Beano, I presume.

Beano
Can't prove it!

Deuterium Boy
I don't need to. We'll accept it as a working hypothesis for now, shall we...

Beano
Go ahead! I'm not stopping you. But you still can't prove it.

He stares down at them, his face sculpted into a manic grin. Deuterium Boy grimaces.

Deuterium Boy
Where's the bean fusion bomb, Beano?

Beano
Not telling! Thphppt! Nah nah nah, neeener neener neener!!

Helium Girl
Look, Beano...

Beano
Who said I was Beano?

Helium Girl
You just ARE, OK?

Beano
Nope! Can't prove it! Wouldn't stand up in court! But neither would a dead superhero. OOH! That was tasteless!

Deuterium Boy
[aside] God, I hate clowns.

Beano
Don't worry, we hate you too.

Deuterium Boy
That was an aside! You can't hear those!!

Beano
Tough titties! HEY! Deuterium Boy! Great to see you! You know, you remind me of my Aunt Lola. She's gassy too. OOH! For shame! I'm bawdy, just bawdy...

Deuterium Boy
We don't have time for this crap, Beano. Tell us where the bomb is NOW, or suffer the consequences!

Beano
Whaddya mean! Whaddya mean! There's always time for a GOOD CRAP! Think I'll have one now!

He presses a button on the arm of the throne and a pile of fresh manure falls from the ceiling directly onto Deuterium Boy. Helium Girl jumps back in disgust.

Helium Girl
Eww, that is just, like, totally gross.

Beano
OH, I feel MUCH BETTER now. Nothing like BEANS for the bowels, wouldn't you say Deuterium Boy? A HA HA HA HOO HOO...

Helium Girl
You know, buddy, you're just, like, a total loser. You think you're cool? You're so not cool.

Beano
WELL, PARDON ME, Ms. Boobies! What are those things ya got on yer chest there, emergency air-bags? Seriously, a troupe of Chinese jugglers could live in your cleavage...

Helium Girl
Hey!

Deuterium Boy
That's it, clown boy, I'm coming up there and getting you!

Beano
I don't think so, Mr. D!

A trap door springs open under our heroes' feet, and they plummet to their doom!

Okay, well, maybe not yet. They do, however, fall into a wet, stinky subterranean swamp! The trap door closes above them, leaving them in almost complete darkness.

Helium Girl
Ewww! I landed in something squishy!

Deuterium Boy
It's a subterranean swamp, what did you expect to land in, a Lay-Z-Boy^TM?

Helium Girl
So, like, I guess we're screwed, right?

Deuterium Boy
Jeesh, at least the manure was fresh... yeah, we're screwed. But it could be worse.

Helium Girl
I don't want to know how, thank you.

Deuterium Boy
At least that ten-foot carnivorous slug over there is sleeping.

Helium Girl
AAAAH!! I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!!

A burbling sound at the other end of the swamp catches their attention. The giant slug has started moving towards them, its foot-long eye-stalks gazing hungrily at them.

Deuterium Boy
Oh good. You woke him.

The giant slug continues oozing towards them, once in a while burbling subtly.

Deuterium Boy
I have a bad feeling about this...

Helium Girl
Well, like, DUH!

Voice of Beano
So have you two made FRIENDS with Mr. Diddles yet?

Helium Girl
BEANO, YOU FREAK! Let us out of here so we can come up there and kick your ass!!!

Voice of Beano
OOOooooh! The little Super Girlie's having a SNIT FIT! I'd love to bring you up for tea, but I really have to toodle. I've got a metropolis to obliterate in, oh, half an hour. Sure hope I get my pony first though... oh well!

In case you still care (and I know you do) I hid the bean fusion bomb in the Big Horse - I really HATE that thing. Anyway, ta ta! Be sure to burp Mr. Diddles between feedings - if you have any limbs left. Hee hee hee hee!

Helium Girl
BEANO!!!

Deuterium Boy
Calm down, Helium Girl. He's gone.

Helium Girl
I'm gonna, like, just totally clobber that freak when we catch him!

Deuterium Boy
Gee, you're testy today.

Helium Girl
I'm going to be, like, vapourized by a fart bomb in like, half an hour, if I'm like not eaten by Mr. Fuckin' Diddles by then!! DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR BEING TESTY?!

Deuterium Boy
Hey, so am I, and I'm covered in cow dung. But you don't hear me complaining. Besides ...

He points to the slug, still oozing its way towards them.

Deuterium Boy
Look how slowly it's moving. We'll be able to stay away from it no probAAAA!!

Before he can finish his thought, a ton or more of mucus-covered mollusk leaps on top of him. Deuterium Boy was unaware that Mr. Diddles is one of the extremely rare, extremely irritable Leaping Carnivorous Glugs of the Malaysian rain forest. They feed almost exclusively on brightly coloured Malaysian Toucans. Deuterium Boy, in his garish costume, looked very much like a very large Malaysian Toucan to the near-sighted Glug, thus explaining Mr. Diddles's unbridled enthusiasm.

Deuterium Boy
AAUGH! It's eating my legs!! Helium Girl, help!! It's eating my legs, get it off!!!

Helium Girl
Oh, so, like, now who's a little testy, Mr. I'm-so-cool-about-being-covered-in-cow-crap!

Deuterium Boy
HELP!!

Helium Girl
Okay, fine.

She pulls out her rapier, and starts jabbing at the Glug; but the blade can't penetrate its thick hide. Throwing down the rapier, she blasts it with a beam of high energy alpha particles. She manages to blow a gaping hole through Mr. Diddles' side - just enough for Mr. Diddles to notice her.

The Glug turns and charges her, leaving Deuterium Boy lying in the swamp. She blasts it again, drilling straight through the Glug's head. Mr. Diddles collapses into a puddle of mucus and burnt slug flesh.

Helium Girl
That's like, really gross. Ohmigod...

Deuterium Boy
Uhhh...

Helium Girl
Are you, um, like, okay?

Deuterium Boy
I'll be fine. I'm covered in algae, cow turd, and slug slime, and my tights have been devoured from the knees down, but I'm fine.

He rolls over and gets to his feet, unpleasant fluids dripping from his costume. He looks around.

Deuterium Boy
We have to get out of this stink hole before the bomb blows.

Helium Girl
It already blows, like, if you ask me.

Deuterium Boy
I think we're near a Hydrogen Duct. That could be our way out.

Deuterium Boy pulls out his handy Scan-O-Matic^TM and confirms his suspicions: the subterranean swamp was indeed just a few feet from one of the Diatomic Duo's underground rapid transit tubes. Replacing the Scan-O-Matic^TM on his Useful Things belt, he removes another object, wallet-sized, with a large red button on it.

Helium Girl
What's that?

Deuterium Boy
The latest from SuperTronic's Lab-O-Wonders, the people who brought us the Scan-O-Matic^TM. It's the D-3000 Robotic Travel Shovel with its own portable nuclear reactor.

He presses the button. The box leaps out of his hands, and within milliseconds, expands into a full-sized diamond tipped shovel, equipped with full 360 degree gyro-thrusters. It hovers in mid-air in front of them, awaiting a command.

Deuterium Boy
Shovel, dig through to Hydrogen Duct S37-R.

Shovel
Acknowledged... down-loading Duct co-ordinates from Scan-O-MaticTM, please wait... Duct co-ordinates confirmed. Commencing excavation.

The shovel spins in mid-air and plunges into the rock wall of the cavern. It digs through the rock faster than the human eye can track, and Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl step back to avoid dirt and rubble flying from the rapidly expanding tunnel. Suddenly, the shovel breaks through to Hydrogen Duct.

Shovel
Excavation comple--SHLORRRRP!!!

With a rush of air, the shovel and loose debris are sucked into the low pressure Hydrogen Duct. Thankful to escape the festering swamp, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl dive into the open Duct and are carried to safety.

Every great city has its distinctive landmarks - the Empire State Building in New York, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the CN Tower in Toronto, Wayne Newton in Las Vegas. Maple Ridge has - the Beast.

The Beast, or the Big Horse as Maple Ridgers usually call it, is a big, ugly, badly-built mechanical horse that performs a little dance roughly once an hour. It sits atop a cubical clock in the centre of downtown. Attempts to give the Beast to Langley or Surrey as a gift of municipal friendship have, alas, not been successful.

We find the Beast currently carrying the delirious form of Beano, waving his Bean Bomb of Oblivion and an L492 Swiss plasma rifle in the air and shouting obscene riddles. He has just declared his intention to blow up the city whether his demands are met or not, just for the sheer homicidal self-destructiveness of it.

Keeping a wary distance are the entire Maple Ridge City Police force, three dozen well-armed members of the SHVD, and a small army of social psychologists.

Beano
WHOOO! DIDJA SMELL THAT ONE?! HA HA HA!! HEY, DIDJA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GYNECOLOGIST AND OJ SIMPSON?!

Soong
[to walkie-talkie] Aye, hold position, boys. We can't do anything till the bomb's disarmed.

Parker
Chief... what about snipers? He's an easy enough target.

Soong
Aye, that he is, but if he falls from there, the bomb'll go off anyways.

Parker
Damn. What's keeping Deuterium Boy? If I get my hands on that latté-sipping punk, his ass is mine...

Soong:
Now, Parker, don't be hard on the boy. He's doing the best job he can.

Parker
I'm not mad, Chief, I just really want his ass. Excuse me, I need a drink.

Parker turns and walks back to the SHVD personnel carrier. Meanwhile...

Psychologist #1
A fascinating study, this clown, this... Beano. So much pain and trauma struggling to release themselves... it makes for an unusual dichotomy.

Psychologist #2
If we're not all blown to airborne pollen, there's definitely a paper in this.

Psychologist $3
Oh, two or three papers, I'd say...

Psychologist #2
A clear case of manic megalomania, post-victimization trauma, scatological fixation, a veritable who's who of polysyllabic disorders.

Psychologist #1
And this obsession with Big Red Shoes...

Psychologist #3
Mm-hm, Mm-hm. Clearly the true victim of this situation is Beano. Vapourizing the city is just a cry for love and understanding.

Psychologist #1
Oh, indisputably.

Beano, now bored with riddles, starts taking shots at the crowd with the plasma rifle. Several SHVD troopers scream and fall.

Psychologist #2
We feel your pain Beano! Let us heal you!

Beano
DIE, SHRINK!! HA HA HEE HEE!!!

He blows the psychologist into grape jelly with a well-placed plasma bolt.

Psychologist #1
Interesting response.

Psychologist #3
Quite.

Suddenly, a manhole cover just behind the Horse explodes into the air, followed by a geyser of swamp water, dirt, gravel, burnt slug flesh, the smashed and radioactive remains of a D-3000 Robotic Travel Shovel, and finally, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl. Hurtling over the Beast and Beano, Deuterium Boy grabs hold of the Beast's head and flails a leg out at Beano, knocking the bomb out of his hand. Helium Girl catches it in mid-air and floats around behind the maniacal clown.

Deuterium Boy
Time for the circus to pack up and hit the road, clown boy!

Beano
Hey! No fair! It's my turn to blow people up! You two'll just have to WAIT IN LINE!!

He turns and fires at Helium Girl, who nimbly dodges each shot. Deuterium Boy swings himself up onto the Beast and delivers a powerful kick to Beano's head. Beano loses his balance and falls.

Helium Girl swoops down and grabs him just before he hits the ground. She knocks him unconscious with one final punch. She floats to the ground, and police surround them, grabbing the unconscious Beano and dragging him away.

Deuterium Boy leaps off the Beast, and with a very impressive quintuple axle, lands beside Helium Girl. She shoves the bomb at him.

Helium Girl
Here! There's only 60 seconds left!

Deuterium Boy
The microwave pulse source!

Helium Girl pulls the device from her Useful Things belt and hands it to him. He points it at the bomb and gives it a twist.

Seconds pass.

Deuterium Boy
It's not working!

Parker
What do you mean, it's not working?

Deuterium Boy
The pulse source won't activate! It's not disarming the bomb! [examines it] This is just a tampon!!! Where's the pulse source?!!

Helium Girl's jaw drops and her face turns very red. Deuterium Boy and Parker stare at her for a second. Comprehension dawns.

Deuterium Boy
YOU DIDN'T!!!

Helium Girl
I must have gotten them mixed up... oh my god...

Deuterium Boy
Get it out!! Now!! There's 20 seconds left on the timer!

Helium Girl
Okay, nobody look!!!

The assembled throng of police, SHVD troopers, and social psychologists turn around respectfully. We'll omit any further details, but suffice to say a few seconds later Helium Girl produces the real microwave pulse source, none the worse for its experience. She points it at the bomb, twists it, and the device starts to hum. A light flashes on the bomb and small puffs of smoke appear. Deuterium Boy hurls the bomb away into the shrubbery, where exactly 3 seconds later there is a small pop and a vaguely unpleasant odour.

The City has been saved!

Epilogue

The Malevolent Beano, AKA Beano the Clown, AKA Larry "Beans" Horowitz, was sentenced to ten year's rehabilitation in UBC Asylum, where he received bean-and-bacon soup every Sunday for good behaviour.

Mayor Chad Bradley was honoured by the City Council for his immense courage and leadership during the crisis by having a small municipal park named after him. The grand opening was held the following weekend, with much fanfare and breath mints for all the kids. Two years later, the park was bulldozed for a townhouse complex.

Deuterium Boy retired with a headache to the Hydrogen Cave with the intention of writing up a standard report on the incident for the League of Heroes. There he consumed twelve heavy water mocha lattés, sent several flame emails to NASA, and ordered the new D-5000 Mechanoid Shovel-Bot with Dura-Steel Armour Plating from SuperTronic which he charged on the Hydrogen Cave Visa. He then spent the rest of the afternoon playing Sega Dreamcast.

Helium Girl immediately set off on a Quest of Vengeance against Dr. Dwayne Turdston, on behalf of all women-kind. Dr. Turdston was found three days later wandering the feminine protection section of London Drugs, entirely nude except for three dozen Ultra Thin Maxis with Wings stuck to his body, and what was later identified as a disguised microwave pulse source lodged in his rectal cavity. He repeatedly mumbled, "The horror... the horror...".

[Roll credits]i