The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle - Part III

Last Episode: Something mysterious is causing the laws of physics to go awry: the exclusion principle, a fundamental rule of quantum mechanics which prevents electrons in an atom from occupying the same quantum states, has stopped working, c ausing atoms to collapse willy-nilly. Hydrogen Guy learns from Doug the Rubber Skeleton that the culprit is the Black Rose, Jean-Marc Trudeau, a high-ranking ICBC agent and evil twin brother of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. As Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy rush to Ottawa to find the Black Rose, Galactic Customs agent Chuck War meets with an anonymous source to find the mysterious Hans Dürchfall.

Ottawa - specifically, 24 Sussex Drive, Official Residence of the Prime Minister, The Nation's Leader^TM. A beat-up lime-green-and-white-striped van pulls up in front of the security gate. A sign on top of the car says "Zippo's 2-4-1 Pizzaram a".

The driver, a one Stan The Pizza Guy, gets out of the van. His uniform and the two pizza-warmers he pulls out with him are a similarly hideous green and white. Lugging the pizzas, he approaches the gate and is just about to ring - when a band of thugs, heretofore concealed in the bushes, jump him! The pizzas are knocked flying as the thugs nab Stan and start roughing him up. With one of the thugs holding him from behind, Stan is drawn up to face the band's leader - Hans Dürchfall!

Stan
Hey! What the hell is this?

Hans
We hahve you now, Mr. Special Agent. Whaht do you think you ahre doing here?

Stan
Hey, back off man! I just deliver the pizza, I'm no Special Agent!

Thug #1
What kinda pizza?

Stan
Two Hawaiian Supremes, a Meat Lover's and a Poutine Special.

Thug #2
Poutine on a pizza? That's disgustimatin'!

Stan
Yeah, that one's for... you know.

Thug #3
What's on the Meat Lover's?

Hans
Shut up, you hahlfwit. [to Stan] This is a very pretty story, but it is ahll lies. I know you hahve been following us and monitoring our ahctivities. Well, you wahnted trouble, Mr. Special Agent, you hahve it. We're taking you to see the Boss.

Stan
Th..the Boss?

Thug #1
The Head Honcho, pally.

Thug #2
The Big Cheese himself.

Thug #3
Yeah, like they said, you're gonna see the Head Cheese.

Thug #2
Ya think they put that on th' Meat Lover's? [Thug #1 smacks him in the head] OW! Hey, he's the one who's malapropilatin'!

Thug #1 smacks #3 in the head.

Thug #3
Hey!

Thug #2
Nyuk nyuk...

Hans
Shut up, you idiots!

Stan
Hey, look, I'm no special agent! You've got the wrong guy, I'm a pizza delivery driver! See, it says so on my name tag, "Stan The Pizza Guy". Would Zippo's 2-4-1 Pizzarama lie to potential customers?

Hans
Just because I work with morons doesn't mean I ahm a moron.

Thug #2
[to #3] He's talkin' about you, Lenny.

Thug #1
Pipe down!

Hans
[ignoring them] I know who you ahre. We're taking you now.

Stan
Hey! No! OOFF!

He is shoved into his car as the thugs confiscate the pizzas.

Stan
Ow! Hey, who's gonna pay for these pizzas!

Hans
The tahxpayers!

Hans climbs in, and the hijacked pizza van takes off. A few minutes later, a dark-coloured late model sedan pulls up in front of the gate. A man in a trenchcoat and hat jumps out and rings the buzzer.

Intercom voice
Yeah?

Parker
It's Parker, SHVD.

Intercom voice
Yeah, come on in. He's expecting you. In a snit, too. Hey, you haven't seen a pizza delivery guy wandering around out there, have ya?

Parker
That's a negative on the pizza.

Intercom voice
Huh. Jerk musta got lost. Okay, come on in.

The gate buzzes and starts to swing open. Special Agent Parker gets back in his car and drives inside. The gate swings closed behind him.

We find Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy striding purposefully down Rideau Avenue, Ottawa's main commercial street.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy, we can't just walk around downtown Ottawa hoping to accidentally bump into the Black Rose.

Hydrogen Guy
Of course not, Deuterium Boy. I'm pondering our next move, among other things...

Deuterium Boy
But will we find him in time?

Hydrogen Guy
Probably not, no.

Deuterium Boy
[stunned] What? You think the Universe is doomed?!

Hydrogen Guy
Universe..? Oh! No, no, Deuterium Boy, I thought you meant in time for lunch. Saving the Universe usually takes most of the day...

Deuterium Boy
You're hungry, aren't you?

Hydrogen Guy
You can tell?

Deuterium Boy
Don't think about lunch, think about finding the Black Rose.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay... well, anything that can disrupt a law of physics like the exclusion principle all over the planet must be creating one heck of a disturbance in space-time. It'd light up a on a graviton scan like a red-nosed reindeer. Trudeau would want to h ide that if possible.

Deuterium Boy
Meaning?

Hydrogen Guy
Meaning he'd be hiding someplace where there'd already be a major out-flux of negative karma. Like a nuclear waste dump or...

Deuterium Boy
Of course, fast-food burger restaurants! Spectacular reasoning, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Elementary, Deuterium Boy. That's where we'll concentrate our search... uh oh...

They have been walking past a home electronics shop. In the window are several televisions tuned to CBC Newsworld; the sound is piped out onto the street with speakers, to draw window shoppers. The news is showing the remains of a bridge in India.

Announcer
... bridge only recently completed across the river Baitarani near the town of Jajpur. Officials say that the bridge had passed all safety criteria, and the failure of the bridge is due to an unknown change in the steel itself. Engineers and physicists in vestigating are uncertain whether this is connected with the recent rash of "collapsed matter" observed in labs across the world. Meanwhile, rescue efforts...

Deuterium Boy
It's getting serious, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Indeed, Deuterium Boy. The game is afoot! There's a Wendy's up the street; we'll start there.

Several hours later, at a seedy "Burger King" just off Dalhousie street. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy walk inside.

Hydrogen Guy
Anything on the portable Scan-O-Matic^TM, DB?

Deuterium Boy
Same as the last seven places. There's too much interference to get a good reading.

Hydrogen Guy
It's those damn deep fat fryers, they're like karmic neutron stars. Now I see why they don't allow them near nuclear reactors.

Deuterium Boy
Well we might as well stop for lunch while we're here...

Hydrogen Guy
Finally! Grab us table and I'll go order.

Deuterium Boy
I'll have two double-cheeseburgers, no vegetables, hold the barium. Oh, and fries.

Hydrogen Guy heads towards the counter, while Deuterium Boy finds a moderately clean table in the non-smoking section and sits down. As he waits, a stranger approaches the table. He is wearing a peculiar grey uniform with enormous shoulder pads. His ha ir is cut very short and severe, and his ears are strangely curved and pointed.

Stranger
Ah, so we meet at last Gaston Luc D'Accord.

Deuterium Boy looks around to see who is being addressed, but sees no one. He turns to the stranger with a puzzled look on his face.

Deuterium Boy
Excuse me?

Stranger
Don't play the fool with me, D'Accord!

He sits down across from Deuterium Boy.

Stranger
You are the infamous captain of Space Command's flagship! Your name is well known to the Praetorship, if not your face!

Deuterium Boy
I, uh, think you want someone else...

Stranger
The ruse isn't working D'Accord! That cheap toupee is fooling no one! You are wanted by the Imperial Council for thirty seven counts of treason against the Quirinian Star Empire and a class D4 parking violation, punishable by death!

He pulls a laser pistol from his jacket and levels it at Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy
Whoa! Hey! I may've committed a little treason in my time, but there's no way anyone can pin a parking violation on me! You have the wrong man!

Stranger
Is that so, human? Then how can you explain... THIS!

He pulls a rubber ear shaped like his own out of his pocket.

Stranger
Part of your disguise in infiltrating our Neutral Zone outposts! The only human whose ear will fit this prosthesis is yours, Captain Gaston Luc D'Accord!

He leaps across the table at Deuterium Boy, and a scuffle ensues...

Deuterium Boy
Ow! Dammit.. Hey! Jeez, ow, #@$% off, AHH!

Stranger
[trying to shove prosthesis onto DB's ear] You.. human trickery won't get you out of.. this .. one, D'Accord! All right, maybe it's the other ear...

Deuterium Boy
AH! Ow! Get offa me!

Meanwhile, at the counter...

Hydrogen Guy
Say! That Almost Chicken^TM Double SPAM Whopper®© sounds mighty fine. Think I'll sink my teeth into a full half pound of sumptuous poultry by-products, home-style grilled on genuine Uncle Tom Toast©. Does that come with a wholesome slice of processed cheese-food product?

B.K. Employee
Sure does! And lettuce, tomato, and onions, too!

Hydrogen Guy
And lord knows, I could use a tomato. Make that two Almost Chicken^TM Double SPAM Whoppers®© to go!

Suddenly, a trap door opens directly underneath Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
DB, IT'S A TRAAAaaa....!

B.K. Employee
It's not just SPAM... it's Almost Chicken^TM!

Meanwhile...

Stranger
Your make-up specialist is clever, D'Accord, but you WILL wear this prosthetic!! Ha ha!! Perhaps your ear is disguised as your foot!!

Deuterium Boy
Wait... OW Stop that! Was that... ouch jeez... Hydrogen Guy call for help? Oooh, piss off, you pointy-eared freak!!

Suddenly a shadow looms over them an the stranger is lifted off Deuterium Boy.

Stranger
Ah! The REAL Gaston Luc D'Accord! We meet at last!

The Stranger flies across the room and smashes into the condiments stand. He is knocked unconscious and buried beneath a heap of napkins, plastic straws and ketchup packets.

Hans
Shut up. [to DB] You will come with me.

He slaps Deuterium Boy into unconsciousness with a single blow. Hans tosses Deuterium Boy into a nearby booth and rotates the aluminum ashtray three-quarters of a turn. The booth, Hans, and Deuterium Boy descend into the floor, to be rep laced by a grinning "Almost Chicken^TM Happy Clown".

Deuterium Boy regains consciousness some time later to find he has been strapped to a medieval-style rack. Beside him are Hydrogen Guy and Stan the pizza delivery driver. The rest of the room is filled by strange machines - some covered in pipes and tu bing; some sprouting forests of oddly shaped antennae, sparking blue shots of electricity; others have spinning wheels or plasma tubes. Many are covered in crudely-wired circuit boards. Some have computer monitors showing oscillating waveforms or fluctuat ing bar graphs. Still others are bare save for a single ominous door.

The thugs are off in a corner, shooting craps. Hydrogen Guy turns to Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
Welcome to the Black Rose's Secret Underground Complex.

Deuterium Boy
I see we found the right place.

Hydrogen Guy
Note the obligatory sliding glass door to your right.

Deuterium Boy
Ah yes, of course. I'm sure he'll be making his grand entrance any time now.

Hydrogen Guy
The worse part is, we still haven't been able to eat lunch.

Stan
Hey dudes... what's going on here? You guys super-heroes or something?

Hydrogen Guy
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, at your service. Or not, as the case may be. DB, I've tried everything, but I can't get out of this rack. I don't understand why.

Deuterium Boy
You mean our powers are neutralized?

Hydrogen Guy
It doesn't look encouraging.

The sliding glass door opens - enter Jean-Marc Trudeau, dressed in a nouveau-bohemian style with a flowing knee-length black cape and a menacing beret. In the lapel of his exquisitely tailored jacket is the eponymous black rose. Hans follows him. The t hugs scramble to attention.

Trudeau
So, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. We meet at last. I've heard many interesting reports about the up-and-coming young superheroes from Western Canada.

Hydrogen Guy
Only good things, I hope.

Trudeau
"Good" is a very relative term in our business. Congratulations on uncovering my master plan to repeal Pauli's Exclusion Principle. But you're too late - in twenty minutes, the Garner Field Generator will end it's twenty-four hour warm-up cycle and switch to full power. Then every atom on Earth will collapse. It will be the end of everything as we know it - including that ridiculous Oromocto Accord.

Hydrogen Guy
You'll never get away with this, Trudeau!

Trudeau
Are you deaf? I just told you that the planet has twenty minutes left before it suffers a complete quantum collapse!

Hydrogen Guy
Sure, but you won't get away with this in the next fifteen minutes.

Deuterium Boy starts banging his head against the rack. Stan is looking distinctly panicked.

Trudeau
Details, my superfluous physicist friend, details. At the moment you and your friends are strapped to Gödelian Logic Racks, another marvelous invention of ICBC's top scientist, Dr. Sige Gaas. By exploiting certain paradoxes in logic and set theory, D r. Gaas has created these torture devices that are individually tailored to be not physically, but logically impossible for you to escape from. I don't really understand the mathematics of it myself, but he assures me that it's quite painful.

Deuterium Boy
Holy Bertrand Russell, Hydrogen Guy! Not even our super-powers can save us from the limitations of pure logic!

Hydrogen Guy
Careful DB, don't slip into mathematical despair.

Stan
We're all going to die, aren't we?

Hans
Yes, Mister Pizzah Mahn. And you're super-hero friends can't save you!

Thugs
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hydrogen Guy
So Trudeau, you're going to destroy the entire planet and its six billion inhabitants - not to mention your employer, ICBC - just to stop this constitutional agreement from being signed?

Trudeau
Oh no, my miasmic mesomorph. There's much more to it than that... I expect you want me to tell you all about it?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, please.

Trudeau
Well, forget it. I'm sick of this bad habit that my colleagues seem to have of telling their captured enemies all their nefarious schemes in great detail, only to have them miraculously escape and botch everything. It's not going to happen this time, Hydr ogen Guy.

Deuterium Boy
Come on, just a hint.

Trudeau
No.

Hydrogen Guy
Just a little one.

Trudeau
NO.

Stan
Hey, I've got it - you've made a deal with some alien tabloid news show from a parallel universe, willing to pay an enormous amount of money for exclusive film rights to the planet's destruction, haven't you?

Trudeau
What?! How did you.... I mean, No! Don't be ridiculous.

Stan
Yeah, you politicians are all alike.

Trudeau
Silence, you imbecile! [to HG] I will tell you this, however, Hydrogen Guy. If you can find the Garner Field Generator and destroy it, the planet can be saved. But now, with only ten minutes remaining, I don't see any risk of that.

Trudeau
You see, Hydrogen Guy, there are 40 machines in this room; 39 are red herrings...

Thug #2
[whispering] I don't see no fish. I thought he said they were machines...

Trudeau draws a gun from his jacket and shoots him. The thug falls to the floor, dead.

Trudeau
The worst form of humour... As I was saying, 39 of the devices are fakes, and only one is the real Garner Field Generator. Even if by some obscure, undiscovered theorem you escape the Gödelian Racks, you'll never find it in time.

Deuterium Boy
You fiend!

Trudeau
Ha ha ha.. and this is just a hobby, too, Deuterium Boy. [with a grandiose flourish] Hans!

Hans
Yes, Boss.

Trudeau
Start the racks! Good-bye, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy - it's been a marvelous chat, but my benefactors from TVKrex have arranged for me to escape into a parallel universe where my brother and I are Supreme Dictators of a vast Galactic Empire, and Pier re is most bereaved over my recent death. Ha ha ha ha! Au revoir, Covalent Crusaders! Et bienvenue a l'enfer!

And with a thoroughly evil chortle, the villain and his henchmen depart!

The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle!!
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!