Episode 30
The Ottawa Chronicles, Ch. VI
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
A late night diner in the Byward Market, Ottawa. The door opens and in walks a bedraggled Hydrogen Guy. Doug the rubber skeleton is hanging from his Useful Things belt. The few customers in diner stare at him in curiosity; one tries to make himself invisible by sinking down into his booth - he needn't have bothered, as our hero only has eyes for a hot chocolate and a bacon cheeseburger.
A waitress approaches the tired superhero hesitantly, but she is saved by a shout from the back of the diner. A man in dark blue tights and cape is waving him over. With a smile, Hydrogen Guy takes a menu from the waitress and heads towards the booth in the back.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Blue.
Sparrow
HG, man! How's it going? C'mon, sit
in!
They clasp hands, and Hydrogen Guy joins him at the booth. The Navy Blue Sparrow is a fellow member of the League of Heroes (local 626, Ottawa-Carleton).
Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.
Sparrow
You look beat, man. Just off a case?
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. Doug's head was stolen by
separatists and I've been fighting through the Temple of Hull all
night.
Doug
*gurgle*
Sparrow
Harsh. I don't care if they take away my grant,
man, I'd never go in that place.
Hydrogen Guy
You don't have to now. It's floating out
to sea in the form of several tons of parsley.
Sparrow
Parsley?
Hydrogen Guy
Don't wanna talk about it. Listen, Blue,
we need to take action on this Québec Referendum thing. It's being
manipulated by --
Sparrow
Whoa, hold on a sec, man. I've been breaking
biker heads in Gloucester all night, I'm bushed too.
Hydrogen Guy
Sure, yeah. Tonight all I want is to eat
and then go to bed.
Sparrow
Dig that, man. We can do this Québec
thing tomorrow.
Hydrogen Guy
Sure, sure.
The waitress approaches and Hydrogen Guy orders his hot chocolate and cheeseburger.
Hydrogen Guy
So I heard you've been thinking about
making the move to Toronto.
Sparrow
Yeah. I mean, I dig Ottawa and all that, man,
and all the Sparrow history's here --
Hydrogen Guy
True. Your family's been terrifying punks
in Bytowne as the Navy Blue Sparrow for generations.
Sparrow
-- but Toronto's the bigs, man! There's a ton
more crime there than here, and besides, here it's all this political jive. Like
you and your Referendum, no offense.
Hydrogen Guy
None taken. Yeah, I can commiserate, Blue.
Ottawa's no Toronto. Heck, it's not even Vancouver or Maple Ridge. I'm just
waiting for my work at the NRC to be done, then I'll be heading back.
Sparrow
No sign of lobster-boy lately, huh?
Hydrogen Guy
No. I think he's laying pretty low - he's
good at that. Eh, I may just leave him. I'm starting to learn he's not the
biggest of my problems anyway...
The waitress returns with his order. He sips the hot chocolate and looks at the burger suspiciously.
Hydrogen Guy
That was, what, five minutes? Have they
got a hot grease press back there or something?
Sparrow
Ask no questions, man. It's for the
best.
Hydrogen Guy shrugs and tucks in.
Hydrogen Guy
So what's the word on the Toronto scene
these days, anyway?
Sparrow
Something kinda funny's going down, man.
There's been this massive crime wave - it makes my teeth itch just thinking
about it. I was talking with a couple of cats from the City about it - the
TechnoAtheist and the Cascade Cop. Know 'em?
Hydrogen Guy
Never met them in person, but I'm great
fans of their work. Go on.
Sparrow
Yeah, well there's been a wave of really bold,
in-your-face stuff. Splashy bank jobs, bombings, high profile murders - and
nobody seems to be bale to get a grip on it.
Hydrogen Guy
Oh? [said with a mouthful of
cheeseburger]
Sparrow
Yeah, it's weird. Like the cops and the local
superheroes can't seem to solve their way out of wet piece of toilet paper
lately. TA and the Cop were sayin' they didn't understand it, they all seem to
be spinnin' their wheels.
Hydrogen Guy
Even Captain Toronto?
Sparrow
Ha ha! Get real, man! You think Cap would let
that stuff go down on his turf? He's been on a special mission in the Arctic for
the UN.
Hydrogen Guy
Sounds like something big's going on, and
whoever's behind it is taking advantage of Captain Toronto's absence. Or maybe
they arranged for it in the first place.
Sparrow
You think? Shit, man, this could be huge. Man,
if we could crack this open, I'd have a foot in the TO scene for
sure...
Hydrogen Guy
I thought you were bushed, too.
Sparrow
Just talkin', man.
Hydrogen Guy
So tell me about some of these bombings
and murders.
Sparrow
Lemme see... the Welsh Guianan consulate got
hit by a package bomb, couple people killed. No one can explain how it got past
their security. Then, this is the weird thing, man - a GAP store in Eaton Centre
got hit. It was brutal, really brutal - six people dead, including two
customers.
Hydrogen Guy
Presumably the bomber was one of
them.
Sparrow
That's what they assume. And man, assumptions
seem to be all that's comin' out of it... Then there was two secretaries with
the Torradan consulate that got killed right out front of their office. Cops say
it was just a mugging gone bad, no political motives, but I dunno...
Hydrogen Guy
Man, you're right. It does sound like
Hogtown's getting hot. Come to think of it, maybe it's a good thing Ottawa's
quiet.
Sparrow
Yeah, but man, if it's something as big as you
think...
Hydrogen Guy
It can still wait till morning. Sleep on
it, Blue.
Sparrow
Yeah, yeah. You wanna come by the Loft tomorrow
morning 'bout nine, brief me on this Referendum thing?
Hydrogen Guy
Sure.
He pushes his empty plate away, digs out his wallet, and thumbs through it.
Hydrogen Guy
Damn. You got change for a
twenty?
Sparrow
Shit, man, I was gonna ask you...
Unconsciousness embraced Hydrogen Guy several milliseconds before his head hit the pillow - one could argue, actually, that it had set in about fifteen minutes previously - but it was not a peaceful sleep. The Sparrow's description of unrest in Toronto nagged at his subconscious mind and summoned vague dreams of sloths, lobsters, and Vikings.
Suddenly, the pieces fell into place. Five forty-three AM, his mind wrenches him awake, and faster than at any time in his life since he slept through a first-year chemistry midterm, he leaps out of bed.
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost... Dumnoric is after
the Ark...
Forty minutes later, a cab deposits Hydrogen Guy in front of the Loft - the Navy Blue Sparrow's headquarters, an abandoned monastery overlooking the Ottawa river in the expensive Rockcliffe district. Five minutes later a surprised Sparrow, already in costume, brings him inside his Command Nest.
Sparrow
HG, man, I was just about to call you! A buddy
of mine from TO - I call him Charlie - just called me. He's all excited about
some missing persons case and wants me to bring you --
Hydrogen Guy
Let me guess - the missing person is a
girl who just happened to have worked at the GAP that was bombed, and also just
happens to be Torradan.
You can almost hear the Sparrow's jaw drop.
Sparrow
Holy Capistrano, man, how the hell you'd know
that?
Hydrogen Guy
Fire up the Sparrow-Wing. We’re
going to Toronto.
A short time later finds Covalent Crusader and friend flying to the Mega-City of Toronto, Centre of Western CivilizationTM, in the supersonic Sparrow-Wing.
Hydrogen Guy
I've always wondered how you could
afford this thing on your budget.
Sparrow
That's a professional secret, man. I
don't ask you where you got the De Broglie boards when you and Deuterium
Boy couldn't build a radio together, do I?
Hydrogen Guy
Good point.
Sparrow
So are you gonna spill, man, or what? I thought
you were all hot to trot on this separatist conspiracy, or whatever. Why're you
all keyed up about Toronto all of a sudden?
Hydrogen Guy
I was thinking about those crimes you were
describing last night. The bombing of the GAP and the Welsh Guianan embassy, and
the murder of those Torradans. Early this morning all the pieces fell together.
Let me explain... um, no, too confusing. Let me sum up... Several years ago,
Princess Madge of Torrado swapped places with her Canadian look-alike. The
Princess was last known to be working at the GAP in Toronto.
Sparrow
Man! You think this chick that was nabbed was
the Princess?
Hydrogen Guy
I'm certain of it - there are no
coincidences when you're paranoid. The bombing was probably a cover for a
kidnap attempt, but she wasn't there at the time, so they had to try again.
Those Torradans were probably Securitàt agents assigned to keep tabs on
her for the Crown.
Sparrow
What's the Securitàt?
Hydrogen Guy
Torradan secret police. [peers out window]
Hey, is that Kingston?
Sparrow
Who'd want to grab her?
Hydrogen Guy
Well, I certainly would...
Sparrow
No, man, I mean kidnap her!
Hydrogen Guy
Hm? Oh! Just about any big name
super-villain with the connections to know where she was. The Torradan Royal
Family is privy to the location of the Lost Ark of Isaac Newton, the most
powerful artifact in the Western World. It's the third crime you mentioned that
tipped me to who the mastermind is - Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, alias "The
Shroud", former head of the Welsh Guianan Very Secret Police.
Sparrow
Man, it's like spies everywhere!
Hydrogen Guy
Too political for you?
Sparrow
No way, man, this is gonna be my big break in
TO. If we solve this, I'm in, man.
Hydrogen Guy
Why do you keep saying "man" all the time?
Is it some kind of nervous tick or something?
Sparrow
Dunno, man. Don't bug me, I'm
flying here. We'll be in Toronto in about fifteen minutes.
Hydrogen Guy
Right on.
TORONTO! At this point, a Sinatra-esque ballad about what a great town Toronto is might be appropriate. But no one's ever bothered writing one, so never mind. First challenge for the Blue Duo - finding an inconspicuous spot to park the Sparrow-Wing.
Hydrogen Guy
How about down there?
Sparrow
On top of the SkyDome? Man, we're lookin' for
inconspicuous! Besides, how'd we get down?
Hydrogen Guy
Well, think of it this way - who's gonna
give you a ticket up there?
Sparrow
No way, man.
Hydrogen Guy
You're no fun... all right, here's another
idea... did your friend "Charlie" tell you the name of the girl who'd
disappeared?
Sparrow
Yeah, he did - Maggie Castillo.
Hydrogen Guy
Mm. Name fits. I'll look up her address on
the computer and we'll land nearby, then go take a look around. When we set
down, give Chuck a dingle and tell 'im we'll meet in an hour.
Sparrow
I can dig it. You wanna tell Charlie more than
he knows all ready, huh?
Hydrogen Guy
Call me a show off.
The address is in the suburban east side of the city, in a row of flats surrounded by identical rows of flats. Sparrow lands in a cul-de-sac a few blocks away, much to the delight of the neighborhood children. They deputize each of them and give them a dollar to keep people away from it (including each other). Fortunately, superheroes budget for this sort of thing.
Our heroes make their way to the apartment of Maggie Castillo, an old three-story house. A pair of police cruisers are parked out front.
Sparrow
Nice pad.
Hydrogen Guy
It's number five, third
floor.
They walk inside, and find the front door unlocked. They head up the stairs. At the third floor, they find a line of yellow tape and a police officer blocking the way.
Cop #1
Mornin' kids. Can I help you?
Hydrogen Guy nudges his partner.
Sparrow
Yeah. Navy Blue Sparrow and Hydrogen Guy,
League of Heroes, local 626.
They flash their League ID's.
Hydrogen Guy
Mind if we have a look around?
The cop shrugs.
Cop
Tourists, eh? Not much to look at unless you like
Torradan art.
Sparrow
Torradan art?
Cop #1
Yeah, the girl was a fan of those del Marco
tapestries. The Chief's got dibs on ‘em if she doesn't show
up. Follow me.
He leads them across the police line and into the apartment. It's surprisingly large, cluttered, but well decorated. A broken lamp was spread across a woven goat's wool rug. Another uniformed cop was carefully examining a potted plant for clues, while a plain clothes detective stood talking to a very distraught, artistic-looking young man in a grey sweater sitting on a hounds-tooth sofa.
Cop #1
Costume brigade's here, Lieutenant.
Hydrogen Guy and the Sparrow show their ID's to the detective, who glances at them with a lack of interest.
Detective
Boy, are you guys from outta town. Whaddya
want?
Hydrogen Guy
We'd like to look around if you don't
mind.
Detective
[shrugs] Up to you. Why?
Hydrogen Guy wrinkles his brow.
Hydrogen Guy
Er... we're interested in finding Maggie
Castillo.
The young man on the couch springs to his feet and grabs Hydrogen Guy's hands.
Yves
Oh, thank heavens! I'm so glad you've come! Oh!
Hey, aren't you, yes, you are the Hydrogen Guy. I am, a fan.
Totally.
Hydrogen Guy:
Thanks. And you would be...?
Yves
Oh, I'm Yves, Maggie's room-mate. That's it, just
room-mate, before you start thinking anything. We worked together at the GAP.
Oh good lord! You have no idea what a week it's been - first the
explosion, and poor Paul and Enrique and Heidi -- oh! Now Maggie just, just...
this! I'm telling you, I'm stricken with grief. Stricken! My therapist is going
to have to just totally clear her schedule!
Hydrogen Guy
My condolences.
Sparrow
That's real rough, man.
Yves
And then THESE clowns!
He points an angry finger at the detective.
Yves
You mental munchkins couldn't solve a kiddie's
crossword puzzle! Thank God some real detectives have finally shown
up!
He drops his head into his hands.
Yves
Oh good lord... what an outburst... have to stay
positive, have to stay positive. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I -- I just need to take
a moment. Excuse me.
Yves departs for the bathroom.
Detective
Heaven save us all from grieving
room-mates.
Sparrow
So what's the story, Lieutenant? Give us a
rundown.
Detective
Yeah, sure. We got a call from Queen Latifah
in there at about four o'clock this morning. He got up for some munchies, found
the lamp and the roommate missing. The disappeared, Ms. Margaret Castillo, came
home Saturday night about 11:15 PM. Yves saw her go to bed. Didn't hear anything
between the time he went to bed, 12:30 AM, and the discovery this morning. All
the doors and windows in the apartment were locked when he went to bed, and
remained locked this morning.
Hydrogen Guy
Hmmm... a locked room mystery.
Sparrow
So she must have let someone in after Yves went
to bed, right?
Hydrogen Guy
And then considerately locked the door
behind her as she was being kidnapped.
Detective
You think so? Hadn't thought of that.
Strange.
Hydrogen Guy
No, Lieutenant, I don't think
so.
Detective
Are you sure? Seems plausible.
Hydrogen Guy
No it doesn't!
Sparrow What about the neighbours? Anyone hear anything?
Detective
We're talking to them next. It's a GAP
building, everyone works there. Two apartments were made vacant in the
explosion, that leaves a total of, um...
Hydrogen Guy
Three.
Detective
... three apartments. Lefkowski!
The other cop looks away from the fern.
Cop #2
Yes, Lieutenant?
Detective
Better start going round to the neighbours.
What's the name of the tenant in number six?
The cop looks around, spots a clipboard sitting on the table beside the fern, and consults it.
Cop #2
Uh... Hu.
Detective
The tenant in number six.
Cop #2
Hu, Lieutenant.
Detective
The tenant. In number six.
Cop #2
Hu's in number six.
Detective
That's what I'm trying to find out!
Cop #2
I'm telling you, Lieutenant!
Detective
What?
Cop #2
No, Watt's in number four. Hu's in number
six.
Detective
Yes! Who's in number six?!
Cop #2
That's right!
Detective
Thatzrite?
Cop #2
Yeah.
Detective
The tenant in number six is named
Thatzrite?
Hydrogen Guy
Aw, for ...
Sparrow
Shut up, man, I'm enjoyin' this...
Cop #2
No, the tenant in number six is named
Hu.
Detective
I don't know!
Cop #2
She's in number three.
Detective
Who's in number three?
Cop #2
No, Hu's in number six.
Hydrogen Guy
AAGH!!!
He storms over to the cop and grabs the clipboard.
Hydrogen Guy
The tenant in number six is named Desiree
Hu, spelled H-U! Apartment number four, Kim Watt, W-A-T-T, and Jason Wai;
apartment three, Ida Marie Noe and Denis Naturlee; numbers one and two are
VACANT! All right? No more Abbott and Costello!!
Cop #2
Excuse me, sir, the tenants in one and two were
named Harris and Salman, not Abbott and Cos--
Hydrogen Guy
DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!
Detective
Settle down, cape boy. All right, Lefkowski,
let's make the rounds. We'll start with Hu.
Cop #2
How about Hu, sir?
Detective
That's what I said, Lefkowski.
He grabs the clipboard from Hydrogen Guy, and then leads his officer out of the room.
Detective
[offstage] Rogers.
Cop #1
[offstage] Yeah, chief?
Detective
[offstage] Go get us some doughnuts, will
you?
Hydrogen Guy
My head is starting to hurt.
Sparrow
Man, those guys were whacked!
Hydrogen Guy
If that's what the rest of the Toronto
force is like, no wonder there's a crime wave getting out of control. Yves is
right; they couldn't solve a jigsaw puzzle if it only had one piece.
Sparrow
D'you think there's something up?
Hydrogen Guy
I don't know.
Together
Apartment three!
Hydrogen Guy
Let's get to it...
They pull out their ever-handy Scan-O-MaticsTM and start scanning the room.
Hydrogen Guy
Hmm... some interesting activity on the
low mysterion band.
Sparrow Hang on... hey man, yeah, I see it. What's that mean?
Hydrogen Guy
Only three processes in the Universe can
produce mysterion particles: collisions between two or more super-relativistic
tachyons heavier than 2.3 solar masses...which aren't common in downtown
Toronto... the Stotek-Ikuna methane resonances, which only happen at black hole
event horizons ... or metacausal physical processes.
Sparrow
Huh?
Hydrogen Guy
That's jargon for magic.
Sparrow
Magic? C'mon man, get real!
Hydrogen Guy
It explains how someone gets kidnapped
from a sealed room with no one noticing. And only one person can be responsible
when you're talking big-name metacausal crime – Dumnoric.
Sparrow
You're baked, dude. Burnt, completely spun.
There ain't no such thing as "magic".
Hydrogen Guy
This from the man who believes the world's
drug trade is run by giraffes.
Sparrow
They do, man, I got pictures!
Hydrogen Guy
Dumnoric is the only master of the Black
Arts known to be at large. Going after the Ark is certainly in his league, and
with his extensive network of spies, he might have discovered where Princess
Madge really was. He could even have arranged for Captain Toronto to be
out-of-town. Put all that together with the bombing at the Welsh Guianan
embassy, and it's elementary, really.
Sparrow
If you say so. So now what? We got enough to go
talk to Charlie?
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, I guess so. It's getting near the
meet anyway, isn't it? Where'd you say we'd meet him?
Sparrow
Dippin' Donuts, a few blocks up.
Yves emerges from the bathroom, looking somewhat more composed.
Yves
Any progress, Hydrogen Guy?
He folds up his Scan-O-MaticTM and turns a confident smile to Yves.
Hydrogen Guy
You're in a lot of luck, Yves. My
colleague, the Navy Blue Sparrow, is fairly sure he knows who kidnapped Maggie.
With someone of his abilities on the case it's just a short step to finding the
villain and getting her back.
Yves's eyes light up as he turns to the Sparrow.
Yves
Really? Oh, that's terrific! You go, Mr. Sparrow,
find our Maggie and bring her back!
Hydrogen Guy
If there's anyone who can do it, it's him,
Yves. He's one of the best.
Sparrow
Yeah. Yeah, we're on it, man. You just relax.
Go get your hair done, or somethin', she'll be back when you're done.
Yves
Go get'im, boys!
They leave the apartment, Yves beaming at them as they go.
Sparrow
[aside] I appreciate the build-up, man, but
what's all that for?
Hydrogen Guy
[aside] You want to make it in this town,
my friend, you need a little buzz. If we deliver, not only will we save the Free
World, but you'll have one very dedicated fan.
A few minutes later, Hydrogen Guy and the Navy Blue Sparrow arrive at the Dippin' Donuts. The shop has not been open long, but there are still several doughnut-addicted Torontonians inside. As they walk inside, Hydrogen Guy stops, and peers around.
Sparrow
What's up, HG? Everything okay?
Hydrogen Guy
Be careful, Blue. The Ruler's glowing a
little. There could be danger here.
A faint blue glow is emanating from the Ruler of Elendil, sitting in its platinum sheath at HG's side.
Sparrow
Yeah, okay. We gotta order a Boston creme, so
Charlie knows it's us.
Hydrogen Guy
Right. Because we blend in so well in
these costumes.
Sparrow
Look for a little dude with an apple
krueller.
Sparrow orders and pays for the Boston creme as Hydrogen Guy scans the room. When Sparrow turns back to him, he indicates with a nod a man in a leather jacket and jeans in the corner, drinking coffee and picking at an apple krueller. The jacket tries to lend a whiff of machismo to the nervous looking man, and fails.
Sparrow
Yo, Charlie.
Charlie
Sparrow. And Hydrogen Guy! I'm glad you could
come.
The superheroes sit down.
Hydrogen Guy
I presume that you're one of Madge's
Securitàt nannies?
Charlie starts.
Charlie
You know?
Hydrogen Guy
Maggie and I go back a bit...
Sparrow
We just came from the bird's apartment, man.
Not much there.
Charlie
I know, I've been there. Yves called me
first.
Sparrow
He one of your guys?
Charlie
No, he thinks I'm her brother.
Hydrogen Guy
How far's the news gone,
Charlie?
Charlie
All the way.
Sparrow
Back to Big Daddy?
Charlie
Of course, I spoke to him personally. My ears
are still burning...
Sparrow
We got good news and bad news. HG thinks he
knows who did it - cat named Dumnoric.
Charlie
The Shroud? Merda, we're doomed... of course
he's after the Ark...
Sparrow
Guess so.
Charlie
The King was afraid something like this would
happen, eventually. The Ark is a terrible burden on Torrado, and her Family...
Was that the good news or the bad news?
Sparrow
Good, man. HG and I can take this spooky
cat.
Hydrogen Guy
If he wants the Ark, she's still
alive.
Charlie
So the bad?
Sparrow
The cops are loonies, man. We won't be getting
any help there.
Charlie
I'd rather the Canadian authorities stay out of
this as much as possible. I could have killed that idiot when I found out he'd
called the police... Hydrogen Guy?
Sparrow
HG, snap out of it, man.
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, Blue. I was listening.
He had been watching a pair of beat cops come in, pick up a box of doughnut holes and leave.
Sparrow
You still getting those Jedi voodoo
vibes?
Hydrogen Guy
Something's not right, Blue. The police
aren't normally like this. You saw those guys, they didn't seem to really care
about what was going on. When they did they were incompetent.
Charlie
I swear, if we get her back, I'm bringing in a
whole Special Forces unit, I don't care how much she protests. Three agents
aren't enough, we should have an around-the-clock detail on her...
The Sparrow shrugs and picks up the Boston creme.
Sparrow
Wishes and horses, man. Don't worry, we're on
the case. All we gotta do is trace this Dumnoric cat, and --
Hydrogen Guy
BLUE! Don't eat that doughnut!
He grabs the Sparrow's elbow just as he is raising the Boston creme to his mouth. Startled, the Sparrow drops the doughnut on the ground.
Sparrow
Hey! What's got into you, man? I'm thinking you
caught a case of Keystone-itis from those clowns back at nest.
The other customers in the shop are glancing or staring over at the commotion. Charlie tries to hunch down at the table, blown covers causing his dyspepsia to flare.
Hydrogen Guy gingerly picks up the doughnut and places it on the table. He draws the Ruler of Elendil out of its sheath.
Charlie
Hydrogen Guy, what's going on?
Hydrogen Guy
I'm not cracking up, guys, I'm cracking
the case. The reason why the cops and the local superheroes have been so
ineffective lately... it's the doughnuts!
Sparrow
Huh?
Hydrogen Guy
Charlie, you haven't eaten any of your
krueller. Have you had any doughnuts at all since the crime wave
began?
Charlie
I'm diabetic.
Hydrogen Guy
Good for you! Watch closely.
He raises the Ruler of Elendil, which is now glowing quite brightly. He passes the Ruler over the two doughnuts, and the light flares dramatically from pale blue to an incandescent white. He puts the Ruler on the table far from the doughnuts, and the glow fades to a faint aura.
Charlie
I don't understand.
Hydrogen Guy
The Ruler of Elendil glows in the presence
of Evil, which makes it great for detecting necromancy. I believe that every
doughnut in the Mega-City is carrying a Spell of Confusion.
Sparrow
Whoa. You're sayin' that the doughnuts are
cursed and that's why the good guys are acting like stooges?
Hydrogen Guy
Well, close, Blue, but in modern
thaumaturgy, "curse" and "spell" have different technical meanings. See, a
--
Charlie
How is that possible? Is this the Shroud's
work?
Hydrogen Guy
I think the current convention was
established at the last General Coven in 1905. See, a "curse" --
Charlie
No, you moron! I mean the curse itself! Curse,
spell, whatever!
Hydrogen Guy
Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's gotta be Dumnoric's
work. He must have gained control of the supplier somehow. The Spell of
Confusion would make anyone who ate them unable to function at their normal
intellectual capacity within a certain area - say, in this case, law
enforcement. A few days and he'd have every police officer, superhero and
security guard acting like a bumbling idiot whenever they tried to do their job.
It would work on everyone - except Captain Toronto, who's immune to any sort of
magical spell.
Sparrow
Man! So Dumnoric arranges something to get Cap
up to the Arctic Circle.
Charlie
Meanwhile, he can run rampant here in the
City.
Hydrogen Guy
And so can everyone else, leaving the very
few who don't eat doughnuts, like you, too busy to act against him. It's
masterful. Dumnoric's an artist.
Charlie
And as soon as he figures out the King won't
turn over the Ark to him even for his own daughter's life, Dumnoric will kill
her.
Hydrogen Guy
Exactly. Blue, we better get back to the
apartment. If Dumnoric or one of his minions teleported into Maggie's apartment,
they probably left a mysterion trail. We can trace it back to Dumnoric. Charlie,
use everything you have to cut off those doughnuts at the source!
Sparrow
Man, that's it. I'm starting my diet
today.
They leap from the table and out the door. Charlie approaches the girl at the counter and asks to speak with the manager.
When they return to the apartment building of Hu, Watt, Wai and Ida Noe, our heroes find all is not as they left it.
Sparrow
Man, the Lieutenant must've called for
reinforcements...
Hydrogen Guy
I don't like this, Blue... there were only
two cop cars here before. Now they're lining the street.
As they approach the building, the front door opens. The Detective and another plainclothes man step out onto the porch.
Hydrogen Guy
Lieutenant, did something happen? Why the
back up?
The cops turn blank, unfocussed eyes towards them. Their arms raise stiffly, and point accusingly.
Detective
DESTROY! INTRUDERS!
Plainclothes Man
INTRUDERS! DESTROY!
Sparrow
Uh-oh.
Hydrogen Guy
I think we better get out of
here...
They walk quickly past the house. The zombie cops leap off the porch and lunge for them. Suddenly, a stream of police officers pours out of the apartment after them, through the door, and even out the first floor window.
Sparrow
Aaaagh! He's got me!
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, they're
everywhere!
Zombie cops start coming out of neighboring houses, parked cars, bushes - within seconds the Blue Duo is surrounded!
Zombie Cops
DESTROY! DESTROY! INTRUDERS!
DESTROY!
Sparrow
HG, what's wrong with them?
Hydrogen Guy
Dumnoric must be controlling them through
the doughnuts! He's using Pastry of Command!
The mindless minions close in, grabbing at the air between themselves and their prey.
Sparrow
What do we do?!
Hydrogen Guy
We have to fight them off without hurting
them, somehow - they may be mindless zombies under Dumnoric's command, but
they're still Officers of the Law!
Zombie Cops
DESTROY! DESTROY!
Sparrow
Yeah, man, but they're gonna tear us apart!
There's too many of them!
Zombie Cops
INTRUDERS! DESTROY!
Sparrow
Look, isn't there anything else you can
say?
Zombie Cops
TAAAX BREAKS GOOOD!
One of the cops gets close enough to grab Hydrogen Guy's cape. Hydrogen Guy turns and knocks him back with a sharp rap from the Ruler of Elendil. The Navy Blue Sparrow keeps several at bay with deftly aimed kung fu kicks.
Sparrow
This isn't working HG!
Hydrogen Guy
I'm thinking, I'm thinking!
Sparrow
Isn't their some fancy ass hydrogen trick you
can use?
Hydrogen Guy
Maybe, but I don't know if it'll
work!
Zombie Cops
DESTROY! INTRUDERS! DESTROY!
Sparrow
Gotta do something, man.
Hydrogen Guy
Okay - I'm gonna try a resonance vibration
of the hydrogen atoms in their cerebral fluid. With any luck, it'll create a
pressure wave in their skulls and knock them unconscious!
Sparrow
Just careful of your aim, man!
Hydrogen Guy
I better be, I don't know how to fly the
Sparrow-Wing.
Sparrow
Like I'd let you fly it, anyway!
Hydrogen Guy
Here goes...
He stretches his hydrogen elemental field far past his body, six seven meters, encompassing the horde of doughnut-drugged drones, and commands the right atoms to do their stuff. It takes a little extra work to damp the vibrations in the Sparrow's brain. Oblivious to his immediate vicinity, two zombie cops grab him by the arms and start clawing his uniform. The zombies close in around them, tighter and tighter - then suddenly --
Zombie Cops
DESTROY! GROAAANNN...
*THUD*
Hydrogen Guy
It worked....
He stumbles to the ground, drained from the effort of stretching the field so far from his body. The Sparrow helps him stand as they pick their way through the piles of unconscious policemen.
Sparrow
Nice work, man. You still gave me a splitting
headache, though.
Hydrogen Guy
Take it like a man, Sparrow. They'll be
unconscious for a few minutes at most, I think. I don't know, I'm no
physiologist. To the Sparrow-Wing, we can try and pick up the trail from the
air...
They reach the aircraft just as a group of zombie cops comes around the corner. They climb in and start the turbines. The Sparrow-Wing jumps vertically into the air, leaving the zombies groaning and shaking their fists after them.
Sparrow
Aw, man! Check that out! One of the bastards
ticketed me!
He points to a yellow slip of paper flapping madly under the windshield wiper.
Hydrogen Guy
If I ever see those kids again, I'll
demand our money back. Take us up higher and circle the neighborhood, would
you?
He fiddles with the Scan-O-SensorsTM as the Sparrow pilots.
Hydrogen Guy
Would you look at the sensitivity on these
babies... man, Saab gives you some great options, eh?
Sparrow
No doubt, man. On the way back to O-town I'll
treat you to my de-luxe sound system. Any sign of the thingy-on trail?
Hydrogen Guy
Mysterion. It's a weakly interacting heavy
super-symmetric spin 5 boson. In large concentrations they smell like
brimstone... yes! Got it, 37 degrees east, 16 degrees from nadir... a nice
bright trail leading us back to Dumnoric. Lay in a course, my good
man.
Sparrow
Laid in, and bringin' it home! Whaddya wanna do
when we get there?
Hydrogen Guy
How about good old "Cunning Plan 32B"
from the League handbook?
Sparrow
Nothing like the classics, man. Right
on.
Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse on the shores of Lake Ontario, Maggie Castillo finds herself in a position analogous to that of her counterpart Cathy Puskas roughly a year and a half ago - bound to a post and facing a demented, diabolical captor! But this time, it is the real Princess Madge who has been captured - and the captor is no lobster, but the cunning and sadistic Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric!
Dumnoric leans against a nearby wooden crate, smoking a cigarette and leering at his captive through his aviator glasses. Nearby, a massive hulk of a henchman stands at parade rest, with a look on his face like he's impatient to start breaking things. His name, economically, is Thug.
Dumnoric
So... Princess... you seem a bit low on
options now. Your would-be saviour Hydrogen Guy won't be coming for you. The
police have seen to that. I imagine they're tearing him limb from limb just
about now. If I was in charge here, I would have made sure that was done long
ago. Wouldn't I, Thug?
Thug grimaces.
Dumnoric
My dear, Thug was an arms-man of mine back in
Cyrñu. I once had to pin his tongue to a table with my knife for a couple
of days to teach him a lesson in diligence. He's learned it now, I
think.
Thug grimaces again. One senses his limited range of facial expressions.
Dumnoric
You still haven't volunteered the information
I seek. Do I have to give you a lesson as well, Princess?
Maggie
You'll never get away with this, you
fiend!
Dumnoric sighs and crushes his cigarette against the crate.
Dumnoric
You know, I could just make a recording of
that and play it back at fifteen minute intervals, and it might just be
SLIGHTLY MORE EFFECTIVE! Thug, gag her.
Thug pulls a red silk tie from his pocket and approaches her.
Maggie
No! You - mmm! HMM! MMmm!!
Dumnoric
Much better. Thank you, Thug. Now, Princess -
can I call you Maggie? We really should try to get to know one another. You may
call me Griff, I prefer it over "you fiend".
You don't understand how well prepared I am,
Maggie. You claim you don't know the location of the Lost Ark of Isaac Newton,
the most powerful artifact in the Western World, which the Torradan Royal family
has been charged with keeping for generations. I accept that. If you're lying to
me, I will kill you and prepare a salt of your brain matter. From this salt I
will resurrect you as a bound spirit, and then you will be compelled to tell me
the truth.
On the other hand... if what you now claim is
true, and you do know nothing, I shall approach your father, the King of
Torrado. If I reveal your switch with Cathy Puskas to the media, it would be
very unfortunate for his government. It is all well and good to put the Safety
of the Free World above that of your family, but what mortal man would choose it
over his own political power? He will co-operate with me, or be destroyed. In
either outcome, Maggie, I will have the Lost Ark of Isaac Newton. And then the
last secrets of the Multiverse will be mine.
Maggie
Nuu mmmd! Nuu mm-mm mm m-mm m thm!
Dumnoric
Oh, I will get away with it, Maggie. That is
guaranteed.
Dumnoric
Thug, go see who that is. I must prepare my
instruments to continue the discussion with the Princess.
Thug nods, and leaves Dumnoric and Maggie. He lumbers through the warehouse to the service entrance. Throwing open the door, he stares down at the Navy Blue Sparrow, who is wearing a "2-4-1 P-Za" ball cap and carry a pizza box.
Sparrow
Yo, peace man. I gotta pie here for a Mister,
uh... Dum-norc? Dumnoric? Yeah. You Dumnoric?
Thug shakes his head.
Sparrow
Dumnoric here? It's cool, man, it's paid for -
gift from the League of Super-Villains.
Thug grimaces.
Sparrow
I tell ya, man, it's cool. See? Here's the
receipt. You wanna call my supervisor? C'mon, take the pie.
Thug shakes his head and jerks his thumb behind him.
Sparrow
Gotta come see the man, eh? All right,
handsome, you lead the way... Okay, fine, I'll go first. No rolling me for my
float, okay? I only got fifty bucks on me...
Thug directs him through the warehouse. Dumnoric looks up from his workbench in surprise.
Dumnoric
What is this, Thug?
Sparrow
Pizza, dude.
Dumnoric
What? Get him out of here.
Sparrow
Hang on, man - I think you're going to dig
these toppings...
He flips open the box and a colourless, odourless gas flows out of it. Within a split second, it solidifies into --
Maggie
M-m-mmn Mmy!
Hydrogen Guy
Excuse me?
Dumnoric
Hydrogen Guy!
Sparrow
[tearing off the cap] ... and the Navy Blue
Sparrow!
Dumnoric
What kind of sophomoric prank is
this?
Hydrogen Guy
Foiling your plans for world domination,
Griff. Sparrow! Get the Princess!
With the lightening reflexes of the Universe's lightest atom, he draws the Ruler of Elendil. Dumnoric conjures a scimitar from thin air and lunges at him.
Dumnoric
Thug, stop the groundling! Kill the Princess
if you must!
Hydrogen Guy parries his attack, and their battle begins!
Hydrogen Guy
Not sporting, Griff!
Dumnoric
It's villain-business, Hydrogen Guy,
not villain-friends.
Their swords clash furiously as they begin an energetic duel. Meanwhile, Sparrow faces the seven-foot obstacle of Thug between himself and the Princess.
Maggie
Mmm!
Sparrow
Man, are you dumb! Nobody falls for the pizza
gag anymore!
Thug responds by growling and diving at him. The Sparrow dives out of the way, and the behemoth crashes to the floor. But Thug is faster than he looks, and grabs the Sparrow's ankle. Sparrow trips, and Thug hauls him into the air.
Sparrow
Whoa whoa whoa!!
Maggie
Mmm! Mmm-mmy!
Sparrow
Have a sec, Princess, I'm little hung
up.
Thug whirls him around and tosses him across the room. Sparrow crashes into the wall, rolls, and springs to his feet.
Sparrow
That's it man, you got me mad! Oooh, when the
adrenaline wears off, I'm gonna feel that...
He launches himself at Thug, flaring his cape out like a set of wings. Thug ducks, but the Sparrow anticipated his reaction. They plow into one another and tumble to the ground. The Sparrow winds up on top, beating the living daylights out of Thug's skull. Thug grabs him by the neck and pulls him off. He's rewarded by a powerful kick to the eye, sending him reeling back. Sparrow wriggles free of his grasp and pursues his advantage - another kick to the groin, one to the head, and Thug is down!
Sparrow runs over the Princess and begins ungagging and untying her.
Maggie
Ptew! Thanks, Navy Blue Sparrow.
Sparrow
You okay, Princess?
Maggie
Yeah, I'm all right - having a shitty morning
though, you know?
Sparrow
Did you tell him anything?
Maggie
No! Of course not! I don't know where the damn
Ark is, anyway.
Sparrow
Sorry honey. Had to ask.
Maggie
Don't honey me, birdie boy.
Sparrow
Sorry. C'mon, lets get out of here.
Maggie
What about Hydrogen Guy?
Sparrow
It's his game, now. Wanna get a
coffee?
Maggie
Screw the coffee, I need a Scotch.
Meanwhile...
Dumnoric
You're style's a bit off, Hydrogen
Guy.
Hydrogen Guy
You're a tough critic, Dumnoric. I spent a
lot of last night heavy fighting, I'm a little tired for sabre.
Dumnoric
Well, you'll have to hope that doesn't
prove... fatal...
Hydrogen Guy
Ho! Sympathy from the devil, eh?
With his free hand, Dumnoric hurls a fire ball at him. Hydrogen Guy catches it and throws it back. Dumnoric dodges and the fire ball dissolves.
Dumnoric
So, Hydrogen Guy, you worked out my little
plot, eh? How did you elude my doughnut controlled zombies?
Hydrogen Guy
Put them to sleep. Uh!
Dumnoric's sabre whistles uncomfortably past his ear.
Dumnoric
Ha! You're putting yourself to
sleep!
Hydrogen Guy
I let you distract me.... I must say,
using the doughnuts was a clever ploy. How did you work that?
Dumnoric
Hah! My secrets, Hydrogen Guy. I will tell you
this - since my unfortunate discharge from the service of Cyrñu - for
which I will kill you shortly - I picked up several fascinating manuscripts. One
of which described the Mystick and Anciente concept of Ye Infinite Doughnutte
Roade... It was this arcane graph which allowed me to embed spellcraft in the
doughnuts on a wide scale.... Ar!
At the last minute he parries a thrust from the Ruler of Elendil.
Dumnoric
Enough talk, Hydrogen Guy! Let me concentrate
on killing you!
Hydrogen Guy
If you hadn't noticed, Griff, the birds
have flown - you lost the Princess!
Dumnoric
I can still crush you, Hydrogen Guy!
Hydrogen Guy
Just try it, you fungal infection on the
slack-sphinctered anus of a tick-infested, sheep-shagging Reform Party
dropout!
Dumnoric
What?
Hydrogen Guy shrugs between parries.
Hydrogen Guy
Worked last time.
They continue dueling, fiercely and in silence. Slowly, Hydrogen Guy gains the upper hand. He forces Dumnoric back up against a crate.
Hydrogen Guy
Surrender, you heinous villain!
Dumnoric
Perhaps another time, Hydrogen
Guy...
He takes a deep breath and blows. His breath becomes billowing clouds of smoke. Hydrogen Guy staggers back, blinded and coughing. When the smoke clears, he is alone in the warehouse with the unconscious Thug.
Hydrogen Guy
Curses! Foiled again...
About a week later - the reading room at the National Research Council's Institute for Advanced Nuclear Topology, Sussex Drive, Ottawa. Jim Evans, world renowned theoretical physicist, is reading through the latest issue of "New Scientist", a cooling cup of Earl Grey tea sitting at his elbow.
The door quietly opens and shuts. Evans glances up, then leaps to his feet, dropping the magazine.
Evans
Your Highness!
Maggie
For heavens sake, Dr. Evans, cut that out!
That's exactly what I left Torrado to avoid! I'm Maggie now.
Evans
Sorry, er, Maggie...
Maggie
Your office mate told me you were here... I hope
you don't mind my dropping in like this...
Evans
No! No, not at all! It's a surprise, is all... I
didn't know you were in Ottawa.
Maggie
I'm visiting my boyfriend. Can we sit?
With a gentlemanly "oh, ah", he gestures her into a chair, and then resumes his seat. He offers her tea, but she declines.
Maggie
I wanted to come in and say - rather, I wanted
you to convey my thanks to Hydrogen Guy for last week. Seeing as how
you're so close to him and all.
Evans
Rescue? What rescue?
Maggie
Oh, you know exactly what I mean, Dr.
Evans.
Evans can only manage another "oh ah", and inwardly start cursing at how many people, albeit trustworthy, this is starting to happen with.
Maggie
I didn't see y - him afterwards, because I
dragged Blue out for a drink. I gather Blue told you about that.
Evans
Yes. Er, he figured it out when he got out of the
warehouse and found the Sparrow-Wing gone. He was a little annoyed.
She smiles impishly.
Maggie
Oh, I'm really sorry. They did meet up again,
didn't they?
Evans
They did, yes. And they spent a very productive
couple of days in Québec City afterwards.
Maggie
Oh, so is that how the Sovereignty Referendum
failed by a hair?
Evans
The credit belongs to the people of
Québec, Maggie, for wisely refusing to be manipulated by the likes of
Apollo Renard.
Maggie
Anyways, it worked out rather well on our end,
too. There was a sudden infestation of Torradan cockroaches in all of Toronto's
doughnut shops, and the City Health board closed them all down. Dumnoric's
doughnuts are out of circulation, thanks to Charlie. Oh, and Captain Toronto,
who came back from the Arctic and made quite a splash by squashing the city's
crime wave.
Evans
Yes, I was reading about that in the Star. He had
a lot of help from a certain Navy Blue Sparrow, I hear .
Maggie
Yes. Blue's moving to Toronto soon, did he tell
you?
Evans
He mentioned it. He also mentioned a new partner
- a one "Magenta Nightingale"?
She shrugs.
Maggie
Charlie's having a fit, of course, but I've had
it with letting those two years of Securitàt training go to waste.
Evans
Well, best of luck to you both.
Maggie
It's all indirectly because of you, so - thank
you, twice.
Evans
Not at all.
They get up.
Evans
Well, all is sweetness and light, eh?
Maggie
Oh, one other thing - are you free to help Blue
move next weekend.
Evans
Me? No, prior commitments, I'm afraid. Hydrogen
Guy, on the other hand, would be delighted, as long as there's pizza and
beer.
Maggie
Gotcha.
Evans
Uh... Maggie, there's one other thing, something
that kind of got lost in all the excitement. The two Securitàt agents who
were killed...
Maggie
Ah. Yes. No, Dr. Evans, the one you have in mind
wasn't among them. She's still on Palace duty in Torrado.
Evans
That's good to hear.
Maggie
We still write each other from time to time.
Shall I give her your regards?
Evans
Uh.. well, I... whatever you think is
best.
There is an awkward pause. Then Evans asks brightly,
Evans
Would you like a tour of the Institute?
Maggie
Thanks, but I'm meeting Blue for lunch. I should
be off. Thanks again, Dr. Evans - see you next weekend!
She slips out with a wave. Evans closes the reading room door behind her and heaves a sigh of relief. He settles back in his chair, lends a brief thought to the complexities of the superhero's dual life, then absorbs himself once again in "New Scientist".
Until the next time the world needs Hydrogen Guy!
[fade to black; roll credits]