Episode 32

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries - Part II

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Last Episode: Morris told Judy he wasn't ready for a relationship. Laurie forgot to feed Alyshia's cat, and Alyshia met a mysterious stranger in the cab ride home. Alexis covered up the fact that she was sleeping with Lucy's husband Frank, and Lucy's gay cousin Francis told Doreen he was Billy-Ann's biological father. Isaac admits to Joe he's having trouble coping with the fact his ex-lover Bianca gunned down his mother in a McDonald's with Jordan's uzi.

Open on the night-time skyline of Maple Ridge City, defined by a sea of twinkling lights.

[Chuck War] I used to spend Halloween on the road a lot. I used to be on the road a lot, period, hauling freight from one end of the country to another. I missed being someplace where I could carve a jack-o-lantern and stick it on the front porch - a little gourd on your dashboard coloured with permanent marker just isn't the same. The jack-o-lanterns were my favourite part of Halloween as a kid - oh yeah, I dug the candy, but the flickering inner light of a jack-o-lantern just summed up everything Halloween was about. Spooky. Least until some jack-ass stuck a firecracker in it.

The city lights begin to go out, block by block, until the cityscape is almost entirely black.

'Course, these days I'm an agent for the Galactic Customs Bureau. Tonight ain't Halloween, and I gotta be the guy sticking firecrackers in pumpkins.

On a dark hillside on the western edge of the city, a group of figures looks down on the silent Maple Ridge Central Power Station. On the roof of the station is the silhouette of some large, unidentifiable structure. Vague inhuman outlines can be seen against the sky, moving around it.

SuperConductor
What's going on down there?

Chuck War
[looking through night-vision binoculars] Drones, setting up a wormhole cannon. Looks like they've shut down the station and are trying to hook the gizmo up to city power.

Okay, recap time: this afternoon a Thyrix hive-node calling itself Xxk-oikx cut into digital TV signals and announced he was taking control of the planet, in the process verifying GC reports of a podship going AWOL from the Thyrix fleet. This critter's just a small-time hood, obviously, otherwise it'd have picked a real planet. Even so, it's got a couple dozen highly-adaptive, battle-trained drones with it - and it'll have ten times that if it can get that wormhole cannon up and running.

Helium Girl
Oh my god, that smell is so totally gag me!

Gen X Man
What smell?

Hydrogen Guy
Some highly aromatic hydrocarbons - exotic, too. Those things have cobalt-based blood?

Chuck War
Well, ichor.

Rainbow Warrior
I can't smell anything.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry, you will when we get close enough...

Deuterium Boy
Chuck, any sign of Pumpkino?

Chuck War
Negative. He'll be deep inside, anyway.

Unlike the non-sentient drones, which can adapt annoyingly fast to anything from dead space to a greenhouse rain-forest, hive nodes have to be babied in a cool, wet environment like Thyrix's home ocean. Somehow or another, Xxk-oikx must have scragged its vivarium, because it's housing himself inside a big pumpkin - I guess the environment's almost the same. The media promptly dubbed Xxk-oikx "Pumpkino"; just picture having a talking pumpkin surrounded by seven-foot insects telling you that he's taking over the planet.

Standard operating procedure for this crowd.

Chuck War
My pager's vibrating - that's Reaper's signal. Let's go.

The group quickly and quietly starts moving down the hill towards the station.

Full house tonight - because we're in the city and not some deserted countryside, I'm using the League of Heroes (local 441) as my strike team instead of a GC unit. It's easier to cover-up, and there's usually less collateral damage.

I have to admit, these guys are a mixed bag. SuperConductor summons trains out of inter-dimensional space (or something) with a magic pocket watch. Gen X Man gets a grab bag of super-powers from "tapping into the zeitgeist", whatever the hell that means. Rainbow Warrior's kind of an environmentally friendly ninja-vigilante. Reaper, who just signaled that he's broken into the station and cleaned out the perimeter guards, is a Minion of Death Incarnate, with better moves than James Brown and a scythe so sharp it can slice through diamond. We're just missing the Codger, who's been wearing a cape for longer than some of our parents have been alive. He's past this kind of action, but he still acts as our base support.

But it's really not worth pretending this isn't the Covalent Crusaders Show. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and their new partner Helium Girl are the ones who kick the most bad-guy ass on a regular basis. HG just got back from a stint in Ottawa, and this will be the first time I've seen all three of them in action together. I have to admit, I'm looking forward to it.

I just hope Rainbow Warrior left his pamphlets at home.

They emerge from the bushes to find Reaper standing next to an open door, surrounded by the shredded remains of six or seven (it's hard to tell at this point) insect drones. They gingerly step over them as they enter the power station.

Hydrogen Guy
Nice work, old chip. Been working out?

Reaper
[nonchalant silence]

Rainbow Warrior
These things aren't an endangered species on their home planet, are they? I'd hate to have that on my karma.

Gen X Man
If we don't stop them from hooking up that wormhole, the human race will be as endangered as '80's synth pop. Let's go, Cap'n Day-Glo.

Helium Girl
Hey! You, like, made a little rhyme!

Chuck War
Radio silence in the peanut gallery, please.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm leading a pre-school outing. Superheroes have Peter Pan complexes like a dog's got fleas. 'Course, this coming from a guy who drives around in a giant Tonka Truck straight out of "Starship Troopers"...

Bring on the bugs, baby.

The procession of heroes make their way silently through the power station. They encounter no opposition, most of the Thyrix warrior drones being on the roof or with Pumpkino.

They see light at the end of a corridor. Making their way towards it, strange sounds drift towards them, the sounds of alien machinery and insectoid vocalizations. Their destination is the main generator room. As they approach, they can see numerous drones rushing around, working on strange pieces of equipment and interfacing them with the dormant power generators. A tree of thick cables runs up through a hole in the roof to the wormhole cannon. Nearby, a pair of drones hold large pumpkin. Several small devices - sensors or environmental controls - are implanted in the pumpkin, giving it the look of a cyborg jack-o-lantern.

In situations like this, I prefer to go in shooting. GC's got rules, though, that gotta be followed. Plus these guys have that superhero tradition of Confronting the Villain that they gotta play up to. Well, whatever. We worked out a compromise.

Chuck War aims his Argon Blast Cannon and fires. One of the tree of cables shears apart in a spray of sparks. The drones respond immediately, dropping their assigned tasks, producing strangely shaped alien bayonets, and surrounding Pumpkino.

Chuck War
Xxk-oikx! Move your drones away from the equipment and surrender peacefully! You are charged with violation of Galactic Customs Treaty T-655, including illegal occupation and harassment of a developing world --

SuperConductor
It's back to the pumpkin patch for you, Pumpkino!

Gen X Man
Your days of playing "the Great Pumpkin" are over, pal!

Rainbow Warrior
It's the compost heap for you and your invasion!

Pumpkino
Drones! Destroy them!

Predictable. But hey, now I get to shoot stuff.

Thyrix drones are some of the toughest fighters in the galaxy, and we're outnumbered about two-to-one. Ha, no sweat. Reaper and I could take the lot of them on by ourselves.

I hung back and picked off as many drones as I could while I watched the others. It was a nice gesture of HG to let the others take the lead on this one. Funny, he's like that - like I said before, he's the big fish in this pond right now, but he tries not to abuse it. Too bad he doesn't extend that same generosity to Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl more often. I guess it's one of HG's faults, that he often hogs the spotlight from his partners.

I've noticed since HG got back, DB's been kind of antsy. I guess HG put the nix on his "Deuterium Avenger" plans, and he's missing the freedom of being in charge. HG on the other hand has been slipping back into his old routines with almost manic ease. Maybe I'll have to have a word with HG later.

Damn, that bug almost hit me. Better concentrate.

The carnage mounts - bodies are piling up around Reaper and Chuck War, while the others take on two or three drones at a time. More are coming down from the roof. Hydrogen Guy is fighting with the Ruler of Elendil, cutting a swath almost as wide as Reaper's. Deuterium Boy has wisely abandoned his sabre for a bayonet from one of the fallen drones, and Helium Girl is bouncing through the air like a flea, taking on her opponents with karate kicks and blasts of alpha particles. The others cluster around SuperConductor and his plasma lantern, and are fighting the old fashioned way.

Gen X Man
Hey Gene, these bugs look like Republicans to you?

Rainbow Warrior
Definitely polluters. Probably working for some toxic waste company or something.

Gen X Man
They just smell like Bee Gees fans to me. Eat fist, bug!

Gen X Man
"Spaff?" What the hell kind of punch goes "spaff"?

Rainbow Warrior
Stop being so painfully hip and self-referential and help me kick their asses, will you? Humanely, of course.

Gen X Man
Natch.

Gen X Man
Oh, yeah! Who's yer daddy, Pumpkino!

Pumpkino
[translation: Retreat! Return to the ship!]

One by one, the drones dissolve in haloes of light as the pod ship transporter beams snatch them away.

Reaper
[disappointed silence]

Pumpkino
You have won this round, Earthers, but I will return! This planet WILL be MINE! But for now - I have set the wormhole cannon to explode!

The pumpkin and the last of the drones vanish, leaving the heroes in the empty power station.

Chuck War
Huh. Typical. Don't worry, for once I've got space support. Pumpkino won't leave the system.

Hydrogen Guy
That's great, Chuck, but how do we disarm that blasted wormhole cannon?

The others turn to Chuck War apprehensively. He is wearing a look of grave concern.

Chuck War
There's a slim chance. It's risky, and we don't have much time.

Deuterium Boy
We're up to it, Chuck.

Gen X Man
Bring it on, daddy-o.

I live for these moments.

Chuck War
Throw that big red power switch behind you.

Heh. Yeah, it's not their fault they can't read Thyrix tech language. But really, do I have to be the hard-ass, grunt straight man all the time?

Hydrogen Guy laughs. SuperConductor throws the switch, and the room is plunged into darkness.

Chuck War
Trick or treat, guys.

A few hours later, in the basement of the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl pile into an unused storage closet and wait for the elevator down to the Hydrogen Cave.

Deuterium Boy
Power switch, forsooth!

Helium Girl
You, like, totally should have seen the look on your face, DB.

Deuterium Boy
Feh.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, Chuck needs to cut loose once in a while.

Deuterium Boy
I wish he'd wait and do it when I'm not worried about getting blown up.

The elevator doors open with a cheerful ding. They step inside, and Hydrogen Guy hits the button for the Cave's main level.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, power's restored to the city now, and there wasn't too much tomfoolery when the lights were out.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, Maple Ridge is pretty well behaved.

Helium Girl
Ohmygod, when I get home, I'm going to, like, have to reset the clock on my VCR, and the microwave, and the coffee maker... Poo!

Hydrogen Guy
Think you can handle it?

Helium Girl
I think so. I mean, like, thanks to the Teletubbies I can strip, clean, and re-assemble a PDP-10 computer in, like, 75 seconds, I should be able to reset my clocks, doncha think?

Deuterium Boy
We've got another video for you if things get harry.

Helium Girl
Oh, cool!

The elevator doors open with another, even cheerier ding. They step out into the Cave's main chamber, and their jaws drop.

Scrawled over every available surface - the rock walls, equipment panels, counters, appliances, furniture - are phrases like "Beware!", "Doom of Noffras", "Beware the Doom of Noffras", "Doom of Noffras -Just Beware It!" - in thick black marker. Sprawled across the top of the main computer (adorned with several haikus and a limerick, all on the general theme of bewaring the Doom of Noffras) is Doug the rubber skeleton, said black marker in his hand.

Helium Girl
Oh my gaaawd...

Hydrogen Guy
[sighs] I think we have a problem.

Doug
*gurgle*

Deuterium Boy
Doug! BAD SKELETON!

The Duke of Somerset tavern, Bank Street, Ottawa. The Crustacean and his henchpersons, Pu Wing Fu and Big Joe Switchboard, are sitting at their usual table, nursing their usual drinks - Big Joe a double scotch, Pu Wing Fu something fruity with an umbrella, and the Crustacean an aquarium of sea water. A newspaper is spread out on the table in front of the Crustacean's tank. Standing nearby is a plain, nondescript man in a chauffeur's uniform. Periodically the Crustacean gestures with a claw, and the man turns the page of the newspaper.

Crustacean
"Pumpkino". Pah. A rank amateur.

Pu Wing Fu
Yah, but he had attack bugs. Attack bugs are pretty cool.

Crustacean
They were stopped by a handful of second rate super-heroes.

Pu Wing Fu
You should get some attack bugs. Underwater attack bugs.

Big Joe
Y'know, she's got a point, boss. That guy Dr. Karten was talking about breeding you some more smart lobsters, right? Maybe you could get'im to make you some of these attack bugs.

The Crustacean gazes at him a withering segmented eye.

Crustacean
Just because I am rich, Joe, does not mean that I should spend my money on whims and trivialities.

Big Joe
You mean like a deluxe new aquarium and a chauffeur?

Crustacean
Wigby is not a chauffeur, Joe. He is my lobster's personal gentleman.

Big Joe
Well can't he sit down or something? He's kind of creeping me out, standing there. Hey Wigby, take a load off! Have a drink or something.

Crustacean
Joseph, do not harry my man. He is working.

He gestures, and Wigby turns the page again.

Big Joe
Well, what about the aquarium? I mean c'mon, chief, you're trying to take over the world here. Do you really need that fancy seaweed and a little diver man for every day of the week?

Crustacean
My personal accessorization is none of your concern.

Pu Wing Fu
If we had a whole bunch of attack bugs, we could dress them up in feathers and have a chorus line. Like in "Cats".

Crustacean
Chorus lines do not strike fear into the hearts of one's enemies, Pu Wing Fu.

Pu Wing Fu
They get curtain calls, though.

Big Joe
Y'know, no offense or nothin', chief, but I'm beginning to think you're just a lot of talk. It's been a couple weeks now since we got that dough, and we haven't done anything. I was expecting maybe, I dunno, you'd've built some crazy robot or a super-laser or something. But we're just sitting here in the same old bar watching you read the paper, like always.

Crustacean
I find your lack of faith...

Pu Wing Fu
Disturbing?

Crustacean
Er.. yes, thank you. I must not, Joe, act too quickly, lest I tip my hat to Hydrogen Guy that I am still alive. I must formulate a way to strike at him unexpectedly, destroy him, before he can interfere in any of my plans. we do not want to waste this opportunity.

Big Joe
Yeah, I guess. Still, I was kinda expecting some more action.

Pu Wing Fu
Or! We could outfit them all with specially-prepared Yugos, and have our own rally team! Nobody could beat us! Attack bugs in Yugos!

Big Joe
In Yugos ?

Pu Wing Fu
Do not under-estimate the power of the Yugo.

Crustacean
I am in a benevolent mood today. I will let your insolence pass, and in addition reveal to you a plan I've been working on for which I have great hopes. This seaweed which you find so objectionable, Joe, is actually a rare, remarkable strong breed which grows off the coast of Japan. Imagine if you will a genetically-altered, monstrous strain of it seeded around the coastal cities of the world, crushing ships like soda cans, a million-headed Hydra responding to my will...

Pu Wing Fu
Hey, now you're talking!

The door to the tavern opens, and a well-dressed man in middle age enters. He looks around the room, spies the Crustacean's table, and heads towards them.

Big Joe
Hey, Crustacean, it's Karten! He's coming this way!

Pu Wing Fu
Ask him about the attack bugs!

Crustacean
Shush! ... Dr. Karten, what an unexpected pleasure. I thought you had returned to Europe.

Karten
I was delayed on some other business - trust me, this is the last I'll be in your part of the multiverse for some time. There is a gentleman who wishes to meet with you - a M. Jean-Marc Trudeau. He wants to talk with you about a matter strongly in your interest at the Geryon Club at nine PM this evening.

Crustacean
What "matter strongly in my interest" would that be?

Karten
It wouldn't be wise to say.

Crustacean
Dr. Karten... I was not aware that I had engaged you to manage my social calendar.

Karten
Mr. Crustacean, I'm interested in protecting my investment.

Big Joe
Hey, Jean-Marc Trudeau -- isn't that Pierre Trudeau's evil twin brother? The Black Rose? Chief, he's a high mucky-muck at ICBC.

Karten
So I'm informed. He is very anxious to discuss a business proposition with you. I must insist you attend this meeting.

Crustacean
And if I don't, you will reconsider your investment, is that correct?

Karten
There may be some talk of that.

Crustacean
Very well. I will see what the human has to say.

Karten
Excellent. Here is the address of the Geryon Club. You will not regret it.

Crustacean
I sincerely hope so.

Karten
Until next time, Mr. Crustacean! Do look me up when your troops roll into Brussels, we'll have tea and scones together. Au revoir.

He leaves, with a flourish.

Big Joe
Sounds like he's got a job he wants ya to do, chief.

Crustacean
If I must, I suppose I must.

Pu Wing Fu
You didn't ask about the attack bugs.

Crustacean
Enough of the attack bugs!

A man in jeans, t-shirt, and a leather jacket leans against a lamp-post as Karten exits the bar. Karten approaches him, scowling.

Karten
If I never have to see that foul creature again, it will be too soon.

Hans-Raoul
Is he going to the meeting?

Karten
He'll go. I implied that I'd cut off his money.

Hans-Raoul
Excellent! Wheels are in motion, my friend. Wheels are in motion.

Karten
Watch your fingers, then. Next time, use one of your mortal flunkies for this sort of business, will you?

Hans-Raoul
None of them have your gravitas. When the Crustacean looks at you, he believes you are a shady European industrialist. Let me show you my appreciation by buying you a drink.

Karten
Not in there!

Hans-Raoul
No, of course not. We'll go down the street, and I'll show you some of those beers I was telling you about.

Karten
All right.

They begin walking.

Karten
What about the rest of your scheme? The others are also coming? Trudeau has the stuff?

Hans-Raoul
He does. They are. That girl I mentioned, she'll be showing up in Vancouver at about the right time, too. Our Elementals will find the next couple of weeks getting very uncomfortable.

Karten
Good. Make it quick, and then get out of here.

Hans-Raoul
You don't want me to finish the job?

Karten
All in good time. The rest of the galaxy seems Elemental free for the moment.

Hans-Raoul
Yeah, but for how long? Time moves damned fast here, compared to Out There. And irregularly.

Karten
I've been working on that. I've done a bit of reading, I think we might be able to slow it down.

Hans-Raoul
Really? Interesting. Not another one of your dud Chaos Orbs, is it?

Karten
I told you before, I have no idea how the hell that happened. No, no Orbs, no artifacts at all. We could do it ourselves. Once this place is sync'ed up with Out There, we'll have more time to think and act.

They come to the Royal Oak pub.

Hans-Raoul
Great. Tell me about it over the beer. Say, lend me twenty bucks? I just realized I left my wallet at home.

Karten
Hans-Raoul, you're incorrigible.

Hans-Raoul opens the door to the pub.

Hans-Raoul
How could a great super-villain be otherwise? After you, my friend.

The nation's capitol possesses many private clubs where the rich and powerful go to relax, have a cigar, and down some scotch in the company of their peers. Membership requirements have relaxed somewhat in the last twenty years, but most still frown on admitting homicidal maniacs. Except, of course, for the noted Geryon Club.

In the Maple Room of that infamous club, two members meet to discuss business. They sit in a pair of over-stuffed leather chairs in the corner of the room. A fireplace blazes nearby.

Jean-Marc Trudeau lights a cigar and regards his companion respectfully.

Trudeau
Mr. Dumnoric, it's a pleasure to see you again.

Dumnoric
And you, Senator. You're looking remarkably fit - I'd heard you were ill.

Trudeau
Oh, well you know what wonders these modern spas can do.

Dumnoric
Is that so? Where did you go?

Trudeau
Oh, a little out of the way place near Québec City, I doubt you've heard of it.

Dumnoric
You're probably right.

Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric nods. In truth, he'd heard that Trudeau was dying; that he should be sitting here now, looking as fit and vigourous as a man half his age, was curious. Dumnoric files this in the back of his mind for later.

Dumnoric
Well, Senator. I don't expect that you wanted to meet this afternoon to talk about the old days?

Trudeau smiles and taps his cigar in the ashtray. Twenty some years ago, he had been one of the ICBC agents who had helped Dumnoric's late employer, General Saddam Alvares Hussientos, organize a coup in Welsh Guiana.

Trudeau
I find little value in reminiscing, Mr. Dumnoric. The past belongs to old men, but the future belongs to men like us. Men with a vision. More Scotch?

Dumnoric
Thank you.

Trudeau
I am about to embark on a monumental project, Mr. Dumnoric. which I would very much like your help with.

Dumnoric
So you said in your e-mail. I'm curious what that might be.

Trudeau
I'm eager to tell you, but I want to wait for the third member of our party. Ah, I believe this is him now...

A plain, nondescript man in a chauffeur's uniform approaches them, pushing a cart bearing an aquarium.

Crustacean
Thank you, Wigby, that will be all for now.

The chauffeur nods, and departs.

Trudeau
Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, may I present the Crustacean.

Dumnoric
I didn't think he actually existed.

Crustacean
Unfortunately for you balding primates, I do. It is only a matter of time before my strategies come to fruition and all the World trembles at the sound of my name.

Trudeau
He may be a genetically superior super-lobster, but at least he's modest. Shall we get down to it? Firstly, gentlemen, thank you for meeting with me today. I know it is unusual for men of our business to agree to things we know little about, and so I appreciate the faith you've shown in coming here.

Crustacean
I am a busy lobster, human. Come to your point immediately.

Trudeau
Of course, Mr. Crustacean. The three of us have a common problem, or rather, two common problems: Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. They are the only superheroes capable of defeating us on a regular basis. It's time we ended their careers. I need your help.

Dumnoric
Why, Senator? ICBC can't kill the Diatomic Duo itself?

Trudeau
The two of you have talents that I, and ICBC, do not have. I am a criminal mastermind, but I'm a rank amateur compared to the Crustacean. I'm also a top-level secret agent, but you, Dumnoric, are my better. And I certainly don't have your occult powers. On the other hand, I have certain key insights which will allow us to bring the Covalent Crusaders to their knees. Add a little brute fire-power, and together we'll be unstoppable.

Crustacean
And where do you intend to find your brute firepower?

Trudeau
UBC Asylum.

In the main conference room - the bright, "2001"-esque one - of League of Heroes (local 441) headquarters, a special meeting is about to get underway.

Hydrogen Guy
... so then, you'll never believe this, Laurie forgot to feed Alyshia's cat.

Chuck War
What are you talking about?

SuperConductor
Okay, order please.

The Codger
You kids in the back pipe down.

SuperConductor
We've called this Special Session at the request of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. Apparently Doug has conveyed to them a message of some portent. Hydrogen Guy?

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, as some of you know, good old Doug - who channels the spirit of an alien astrophysicist and Zen master - has been going on about something called "The Doom of Noffras" for the last couple of weeks.

Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
You may well gurgle, my friend. We're still trying to scrub the Magic Marker off the walls and furniture.

The Codger
And you have no idea what it means?

Hydrogen Guy
None whatsoever.

Deuterium Boy
Usually when Doug starts spouting off like that, something shows up within a couple days. But nothing's happened which could explain what he's on about.

SuperConductor
By the Great Orient Express, what could it mean?

Rainbow Warrior
It's obviously a warning against fascist corporate influences!

Gen X Man
Nah, he's probably just forecasting the latest pop music trend. Like, he's saying mosh pits are out.

Deuterium Boy
No, no, this is serious. Doug's never been this insistent about anything before.

Hydrogen Guy
Except for the time he wanted us to put our entire operating budget down on a horse called "Jumpin' Bones" at Hastings Park at 100 to 8 odds.

Chuck War
Did it win?

Deuterium Boy
It died on the first lap.

Hydrogen Guy
Good thing we only lost ten bucks.

The Codger
Pah. Skeletons today. Have you checked the racing form for a horse called "Doom of Noffras"?

Chuck War
Seems an inauspicious name for a horse.

Hydrogen Guy
No, that wasn't it. There has to be some obscure mystic reference.

SuperConductor
I'll get in touch with Xonfir, the traffic god. Maybe he can help.

Hydrogen Guy
Good idea.

Chuck War
What do you think, Reaper? You're on the inside track when it comes to all things mystic.

Reaper
[non-committal silence]

Hydrogen Guy
He's always fun at a party.

SuperConductor
Any other ideas have some suggestions?

Rainbow Warrior
A vicious letter-writing campaign! We'll chain ourselves to trees and shout meaningless slogans!

Gen X Man
Okay, I'll tell you what I think - I think this "Doom" he's talking about is some kind of threat. Like something big's on the horizon. Let's see you be non-committal about THAT, Dr. Death!

He stares suspiciously at Reaper.

Gen X Man
How do we know he isn't planning to make julienne fries out of us with that mono-planar scythe of his, huh? That's a big fat DOOM from where I'm sitting!

Reaper:
[sarcastic silence]

Hydrogen Guy
We have no reason to think that Reaper's going to kill any of us. He's always used his Powers of Death for Good, not for Evil.

Rainbow Warrior
Yeah? Then how do you explain that all the spotted owls in his neighborhood have DISAPPEARED?!

Deuterium Boy
He lives in Kitsilano. Downtown Vancouver.

Gen X Man
I wish I lived in Kitsilano. But then I can't get a decent job because all those damn baby boomers got'em first! Oooh, I hate those simpering corporate suits!

Rainbow Warrior
Right on, brother!!

Gen X Man
I think we should lock up the Ghost-of-Christmas-Yet-to-Come here in the holding cell! Just to be on the safe side...

Reaper
[starting-to-get-annoyed silence]

SuperConductor
Order, please! This is getting out of hand. We need a concrete plan of action, not panic and paranoia.

Gen X Man
I have a plan, throw Reaper in the brig!

Chuck War
You're just jealous that his steak knife's bigger than yours.

Hydrogen Guy
This is ridiculous - Gen X Man, I don't care what problems you might have with Reaper, we have no evidence that he's in any way connected to this "Doom of Noffras"!

The Codger
Damn straight, son. We're here for fact finding, not witch hunting.

SuperConductor
That's right. There's a simple way to settle this - Reaper, can you confirm that you have nothing to do with "the Doom of Noffras".

Reaper
[non-committal silence]

Deuterium Boy
Well can you tell us if you do have something to do with the Doom of Noffras?

Reaper
[non-committal silence]

Hydrogen Guy
You're not helping any, buddy.

Gen X Man
See? He's evading the question! DOOM-o-rama, sittin' right over there!

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, fine. Let me propose this - Deuterium Boy and I will keep an eye on Reaper. Meanwhile, you lot hit the books and try to find some reference somewhere to Noffras and associated Dooms.

Gen X Man
How come we have to do all the hard work?

Hydrogen Guy:
Because, Mr. Paranoia, we’ll be introducing Reaper to the joys of whipped mochachino, light on the barium, at your own request.

SuperConductor
Sounds reasonable. Let’s vote... all in favour? Opposed? Helium Girl, you can't vote twice.

Helium Girl
What are you talking about? I'm holding my hands up to, like, dry my nails.

SuperConductor
I'll count that as an abstention. Okay, seven to one in favour with one abstention. Motion carried!

Helium Girl
Are we voting on something? What's going on?

Deuterium Boy
We'll tell you in the truck.

Helium Girl
Why does this always happen?

UBC Asylum: home to some of Canada's most irredeemable lunatics, among them several notorious super-villains. A nurse at the front desk, is filling out forms. She looks up to see a man carrying a white cat standing before her.

Man
Excuse me, I'm here to see Robért Ballistier?

Nurse
I'm sorry, patients in the ultra-high security ward are unable to accept visitors without making appointment through hospital security.

Man
Oh, but it's visiting hours.

Nurse
I'm sorry. And I'll have to ask you to leave the cat outside.

The man looks her in the eyes. There is a spooky hypnotic sound effect, and then the cat speaks.

Cat
It is very important that I see Robért Ballistier right now.

Nurse
It is very important that you see Robért Ballistier right now.

Cat
You will take me to him.

Nurse
I will take you to him.

Cat
You find lobster repulsive and will never eat it again.

Nurse
Lobster... yuck!

Man
You're pushing it...

Cat
Take us to Ballistier.

The Nurse gets up and vacantly walks down the hall. The man with the cat follows. They pass through the low security ward and into the maximum security area, past several guards. The cat instructs her to send the guards away, and she does so. They pass quickly through the maximum security ward, and the same scene is repeated at the entrance to the super-maximum security ward. Here the guards are heavily armed, wearing full body armour and carrying futuristic-looking weapons. They too are sent away.

She leads them to Confinement Room #4 and opens the door.

Nurse
There you are, sir. Have a nice day.

Man
Thank you. You will return to your work, and remember none of this.

Nurse
Thank you. Have a nice day.

She leaves. The man walks into the room. It is sparsely furnished - a desk, a bed, a thin throw rug on the floor, a mirror. A thin, balding man in pajamas is sitting at the desk, playing on an old Macintosh computer.

Man
Robért Ballistier?

Ballistier
[absorbed] Hm? Yes, what is it?

Man
I'm here to liberate you.

Ballistier
Hm... okay, in a minute...

The room is silent except for the gentle bleeping and pinging of the computer. The man walks up behind him.

Man
Now would be a convenient time.

Ballistier
Okay, okay, just let me clear this level... [to game] ooh, you little bastard, come back here...

The man gently puts the cat down on the desk.

Ballistier
Oh, what a precious little kitty! Wh-URK!

The man grabs him by the back of the neck and lifts him several feet in the air. The shapes of the man and cat waver as if enveloped by smoke, and change into Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, master of the necromantic arts, and the Crustacean!

Dumnoric
I said... now would be a convenient time.

Computer
Ka-Bing!! Bloodle-oodle-oop...

Ballistier
[gasping] You bitch! You killed me!

Dumnoric
No, but that could be arranged.

Crustacean
Dumnoric, enough of this foolishness.

Dumnoric drops him back in his chair.

Ballistier
Ow! Watch it, Bruno...

Dumnoric
We have to make this quick. Where is your battle armour being stored?

Ballistier
Nowhere.

He pushes control-F12 on the Mac's keyboard. The computer splits apart, and begins unfolding into absurd proportions. Within seconds it has transformed into a sleek, eight-foot mechanical exo-skeleton, armed with an impressive array of guns. Ballistier steps into the frame and it folds up around him.

Battle Armour Bob
Cute, isn't it? Pity it only had the one game... Oh! [glancing in mirror] My god, I look like Twiggy! I'm telling you, Asylum food does nothing for the physique!

He turns and with the cannon on his left arm, unleashes a torrent of energy blasts on the unsuspecting wall, creating what in other circumstances would be a charming picture window overlooking the Asylum grounds.

Battle Armour Bob
After you, Prince Charming.

Dumnoric
You first. And the name's Dumnoric.

Dumnoric scoops up the Crustacean. Battle Armour Bob lumbers out the hole in the wall, with Dumnoric after him. There is the sound of gunfire on the lawn as security meets them, and the echo of Battle Armour Bob's plasma cannons saying hello.

Madmen on the loose! As Hydrogen Guy's foes align against him, our heroes still struggle with Doug's cryptic warnings. Will they solve the riddle in time? The action intensifies in part III of...

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries
SameHydrogen Time - Same Hydrogen Web Site!