Episode 35
Armageddon With A Side Of Fries - Part V
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Previously: Feeling adventurous, Maggie Castillo decided to dye her hair a more vivid shade of red, but was unable to choose between "Strawberry Sizzle" and "Autumn Auburn", while the Navy Blue Sparrow went to a Leafs game, ate a nasty chili dog and got gas. Meanwhile, Maggie's ex-roommate Yves left his umbrella in a cab, and is very upset about it since it was a gift from his late grandmother. Back in British Columbia, Colin the stock boy asked the girl of his dreams to the movies and was flatly denied, while Kate Nereid was given yet another set of payroll invoices to be done by Monday. Can she finish them in time? And can Welsh Guianan President J. Danforth Codorniz figure out his new phone system? At UBC asylum, Beano the Clown locked himself in the bathroom because he hated the woman who won "Wheel of Fortune", and it took the orderlies almost forty-five minutes to get him out.
Oh, and a bunch of major characters did some stuff that's actually relevant to the story.
Some considerable remodeling seems to have been done in the Hydrogen Cave. A fairly significant section of the walls and ceiling, consisting of several tonnes of rock, has decided it would rather spend its time crushing millions of dollars worth of equipment than providing structural support to the Cave.
The rock begins to move. A slight trembling at first, then --
The pile of rock flies clear of the centre of the cave. Emerging from beneath it is Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric, his hands aglow with magical energy. Next to him is Battle Armour Bob, Jean-Marc Trudeau, the Crustacean and his henchbear Pu Wing Fu. On the ground beside them are the unconscious Desdemona and Lonnie "Carrot" Peel.
Trudeau
Nicely done, Mr. Dumnoric. Mr. Ballistier, can
I ask that in the future you exercise a little restraint?
Battle Armour Bob
Well, I got it, didn't I?
Dumnoric
You almost got US as well, you
idiot!
Pu Wing Fu
Again! Again!
Crustacean
Shut up, bear. Is this cave safe?
Trudeau
I wouldn't wager on it. Let's finish up here
and get out before there's another collapse.
Crustacean
Where's the Ruler of Elendil?
Trudeau
If Hydrogen Guy doesn't have it, it's probably
in the Vault - which I see has been conveniently torn open in the rock
slide.
Dumnoric
Send this trigger-happy fool in - there could
still be some booby traps.
Battle Armour Bob
I only see one booby from where I'm
standing.
Crustacean
Shut up, you idiots! I'll go in
myself.
Trudeau
We'll all go in - it looks like there's room.
Pu Wing Fu, guard the prisoners.
Pu Wing Fu
Aye aye, Cap'n!
The Crustacean leads the way through the hole in the rock, followed close behind by Dumnoric and Trudeau. The rift is too small for Battle Armour Bob's suit, so he grabs the edge of the hole and tears off a chunk of rock.
Crustacean
Careful, human! You want to tear the whole
place down?
Battle Armour Bob
Well, eventually.
They are in the small chamber containing the vault's security checks. Although damaged, some are still functioning. Dumnoric mutters an incantation, and power to the remaining systems are suppressed.
Dumnoric
The main vault is still sealed. There's a ward
on it, I can't open it.
Battle Armour Bob
I'm out of ammo.
Trudeau
We've come this far, we can't be beaten yet -
Crustacean? What are you doing?
Crustacean
Ballistier, this panel is loose. Remove
it.
Battle Armour Bob leans over, and wrenches off the metal plate. A foot-wide gap is left in the chamber wall, immediately next to the vault door. Without another word, the Crustacean crawls inside.
The others hear his claws snapping, the occasional spark of electricity, and muffled curses. After a few minutes, the vault door unlocks with a great mechanical CLANK. Trudeau raises his eyebrows. Battle Armour Bob grabs the handle of the vault door and pulls - it swings open easily.
The Crustacean crawls back out of the panel.
Crustacean
Here's a tip, Trudeau - a true evil genius
mustn't be afraid of getting his claws dirty.
Trudeau
Outstanding. Picking a lock from the inside -
we must look into getting some lobsters on the ICBC payroll.
Dumnoric has already pushed past into the vault's inner chamber. The others enter, and find him in the small room off the main vault. The room is pitch dark - electrical power being cut off in the Cave collapse - but for a pale blue glow coming from beneath a glass case on a pedestal in the centre of the room.
It was the Ruler of Elendil.
Dumnoric
At last...
Trudeau
The case - can it be opened?
Dumnoric snapped out of his reverential reverie.
Dumnoric
I don't know - the Ruler overpowers any other
magical source in the room.
Trudeau
Only one way to find out, eh?
He reaches out, tentatively, to open the case. His hands touch the glass - nothing happens. He swings open the case. Nothing happens. He reaches inside and takes the battered 40 cm Ruler in his hand. He draws it forth and holds it out for the others to see.
Dumnoric
Here!
Battle Armour Bob
Oooh, let me see --
Crustacean
Careful, you lummox, you almost stepped on
me!
Trudeau
Gentlemen, please. If you don't mind, I'll hang
on to it for now. Once we get back to Abaddon, it will be placed in special
containment.
Dumnoric
Give it here, Trudeau - an artifact like this
is too dangerous for mundanes to handle.
Battle Armour Bob
Somehow, I'd almost rather see
Hydrogen Guy have it than you, Bruno.
Crustacean
None of us trusts any of the others with
that kind of weapon.
Trudeau
Indeed - I think it belongs best where it is.
The three of you can watch me put it in containment when we get back - I think
we are enough to keep each other honest, agreed?
The Crustacean and Battle Armour Bob concede. Dumnoric remains silent, but Trudeau ignores him. Trudeau leads the way out of the vault.
Trudeau
We can return and loot the rest of the Cave
later - there's an extra integrity shield in Abaddon, we should bring it with
us.
Crustacean
What should we do with the prisoners?
Execute them?
Trudeau
Certainly. But not now. Are we sure of their
identities?
Dumnoric
The woman - it's not Helium Girl. I didn't
recognize her at first, she's changed her appearance somewhat. She calls herself
"Desdemona", she was Hussientos's CIA liaison. She was a nuisance.
Trudeau
Hm. Curious she should reappear here. I'll
leave her to you to dispose of then. That leaves Hydrogen Guy - or is it
Deuterium Boy?
Pu Wing Fu
It's Lonnie Peel!
Crustacean
What?!
Pu Wing Fu
Yup.
Crustacean
I told you to kill him! What's he doing in
the Hydrogen Cave?!
Trudeau
Who is Lonnie Peel?
Crustacean
It is some personal business.
Trudeau
Is he Hydrogen Guy? Or Deuterium Boy?
Crustacean
The possibility had not occurred to
me.
Trudeau
Interesting. Well then - Crustacean, I leave
him to you. Either way, you deserve the kill.
Dumnoric
I know of an abandoned bicycle factory nearby
- shall we arrange the execution there?
Crustacean
It sounds perfect.
Trudeau
Excellent. Should either of them regain
consciousness, send my regards. M. Ballistier, let us return to
Abaddon.
Dumnoric
Not so fast - we're coming back with you
first. To make sure the Ruler is properly disposed of.
Trudeau
Of course. M. Ballistier, Pu Wing Fu - will you
collect the laser borer? Time flies when you're having fun - it's time we got
back.
Imagine a clinical, morgue-like room, all stainless steel and green rubber sheets. Now imagine that in the room are two men. One is middle aged, impeccably groomed and tailored, with an impish expression. The other old, grey-bearded, dressed in a wizard's robe and hat. Yet there's nothing comical about him, not now; his expression is one of great weariness and terrifyingly deep wisdom. The odd couple are standing over a pair of bodies - those of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.
You might as well imagine this scene, because the real one is utterly unimaginable. It's all taking place someplace that isn't a place, that has an eccentric concept of time, if any, and where the boundary between matter and thought is as meaningful as that between the Republican and Democratic parties. You could imagine three psychedelic coloured frogs on a flying space yak and it'd be about as accurate, but the conversation makes the most sense when placed in the former context.
The older one, whom we'll call Z, examines the apparently lifeless heroes closely.
Z
They're quite powerless, of course.
The younger, whom we'll call N, is standing back, watching Z.
N
Yes, I'd noticed the lack of any Elemental field. It
made the hydrogen elemental almost less than noxious to talk to, but the stench
of the philosopher's wort made up for it.
Z
He was conscious? You spoke with him?
N
He materialized in the antechamber, and regained
consciousness for a few moments before I sent him here. He had nothing of any
interest to say, naturally.
Z
That was contrary to the Reaper's
instructions.
N
As is our lack of a helium elemental.
Z
Quite, quite, quite... that greatly disturbs me. I
fear that the Reaper may have developed his own agenda.
N laughs.
N
That creature couldn't develop his own agenda if you
gave him Microsoft Agenda Developer Millennium Edition with a full set of Agenda
Wizards, and a copy of "Developing Agendas for Dummies". Remember, he used to be
mortal.
Z
So were you, Noffras.
N
Yes, but I got better.
Z
I would remind you that if you had not "got better",
as you put it, this entire chain of events may not have occurred.
N
Of course, my liege.
Z
Well... we'll just have to leave Helium Girl to her
own devices. Perhaps the Reaper has simply grown sentimental.
N
Stranger things have happened... Now that we have
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, what are we going to do with them? My
liege.
Z
Why, restore their powers of course. It will be
something of an effort for me, you assistance will be invaluable. Now
--
N
Zed-Cadok -- with all due respect, my liege,
--
Z
Since when have you ever been respectful?
N
With all due respect - I think that just giving them
their powers back and sending them back to Earth would be a huge
mistake.
Z
How so, Noffras?
N
If we did that, the fools would blindly continue
along the path they've been following. They're completely oblivious to their
enemies' plans against them, giving them their powers back on a silver platter
wouldn't change that. The idiots have to know that Hans-Raoul will destroy them.
It's the only way to prevent it.
Z
Yet even with their powers, things will get much
worse for them shortly. Don't you think that will be enough to alert them to the
danger?
N
It won't drive the point into their bony little
skulls the same way. Real growth won't happen until they've glimpsed the edge of
the cliff, so to speak.
Z's face bursts into an enormous smile.
Z
Well said, my boy - very well said. Your thinking
matches my own, precisely, Zed-Noffras.
N
You mean to say --
Z
Yes. If you really advocate sending them back
powerless for the reasons you state, and not - forgive me, my dear boy - because
you're an asshole, then you deserve the use of the honourific. This mission is
your final exam, Noffras. Conduct yourself wisely, and you will join Us as a
full Mage and Time-Master.
N
I am honoured, Zed-Cadok.
Z
I should hope so. You aren't just being an asshole,
are you?
N
You wound me, my liege! No - no, not this time. As
much as I get a kick out of tormenting them from time to time, I don't wish my
Doom on them. They may be our last hope.
Z
Indeed. Back to Earth they go - I shall watch their
future careers with considerable interest.
Helium Girl sipped her coffee, lost in thought. It was not a deep forest in her case, but there were frequently enough trees to lose her way.
She was sitting in a downtown coffee shop, surrounded by shopping bags. Sitting across the table from her was Reaper, nursing an herbal tea. They had spent the bulk of the day at the mall, maxing out their League of Heroes Platinum Cards. Reaper was a surprisingly good shopping partner. Despite his rather monotonous wardrobe, he had a very good sense of colour, and had been invaluable in making a number of outfit-related decisions.
In fact, Reaper had been valued companion for the last several days, ever since she had awoke in her apartment to find him making omelets. She was initially horrified, until Reaper had assured her in his own understated way that nothing untoward had gone on, and that he had merely helped her home from the Cave after an ill-advised binge at the Indian restaurant.
She spent about a day recovering from the after-effects of the binge, then to cheer her up Reaper had taken her to a party in his neighborhood in Kitsilano. There he had introduced her to several of his non-superhero friends and neighbors, and much to her surprise they were all absolute hunks. Most of them turned out to be gay, but she was used to that in the superhero business. One, though, was decidedly not. Cado invited her to spend the weekend with him in Whistler, and receiving no answer from either the Cave phone or her partners' cell phones she assumed she was free, and gladly went. She had a fabulous time.
Back in Maple Ridge, she'd found Reaper cooking in her apartment again - salmon cutlets with a ginseng sauce. Cado told her he did this sort of thing frequently; nobody had any idea how he got inside, but he was such a good cook they'd stopped complaining. After Cado left, she changed into her costume, and still getting no answer from Hydrogen Guy or Deuterium Boy, she and Reaper went shopping.
It was just beginning to occur to her that her partners' lack of response was strange.
Helium Girl
Hey, Reaper?
Reaper
[encouraging silence]
Helium Girl
You haven't, like, heard from HG or DB
lately, have you?
Reaper pauses.
Reaper
[negative silence, with subtle undertones of
guilt which Helium Girl misses]
Helium Girl
Don't you think it's, like, kinda strange
that I haven't even heard from the since, like, whenever? I mean, usually
Deuterium Boy's all like, "Gotta go fight crime, gotta go save the universe",
and like, I woulda thought when he got my message that I was going away with
Cado he and Hydrogen Guy would freak, but they, like, haven't called or
anything! You think something might be, I dunno, wrong?
Reaper
[pensive silence]
Helium Girl
I mean, don't you think it's
strange?
Reaper
[conceding silence]
Helium Girl
Maybe I should go look in on the Cave, or
something... ohmygod, that reminds me of the funniest thing that happened this
weekend. Me and Cado were, like hanging around in the lodge, and then this guy
comes up to us and he's all like...
Meanwhile, on the astral plane...
Doug
{Reaper!}
Reaper
{Master Doug? How did you find me?}
Doug
{You know you cannot hide from me, Reaper.
}
Reaper
{Master, I can explain what happened. I --
}
Doug
{I have not come to challenge you, yet. I'm sure
that you have your reasons for your actions, but there is a greater danger. Our
enemies have compromised the Cave.}
Reaper
{No!}
Doug
{What did you expect, depriving her of her
guardians? The necromancer Dumnoric was among them. They have the Ruler. There
was nothing I could do to stop them.}
Reaper
{Are we undone?}
Doug
{There are those who might help - Desdemona
Hussientos and Lonnie Peel. Dumnoric and the Crustacean have them at the
abandoned bicycle factory. Fly, fly at once, they are in grave danger! Take
Helium Girl and save them, then return to the Cave!}
Reaper
{I'll go at once. Master Doug, please forgive me
what I've done - I had no choice.}
Doug
{We'll discuss it at a later time, if there is
one. Now fly! Fly!}
Helium Girl
... and so I, like, turn around, and there
he is with the dog! Isn't that just, like, priceless?
Reaper
[urgent silence]
Helium Girl
What? What's wrong?
Reaper reaches into his cloak and pulls out a notepad and pencil. He quickly scribbles a note explaining the relevant details, and thrusts it at Helium Girl.
Helium Girl
Huh? .... Who's Desdemona? You mean, like,
you've been listening to Doug instead of me?
Reaper
[impatient silence]
Helium Girl
Okay okay! I think there's a Hydrogen Duct
we can take or something. We'll put the bags in your car, okay?
Reaper stands and rushes out of the shop.
Helium Girl
Um, yeah, don't worry about me! I'll just
-- oof -- get this stuff myself -- *mutter*
Laden with shopping bags, she hobbles after him.
In the shadow of the Beast...
Hydrogen Guy
Uhh... excuse me for being cliché,
but where am I? DB? Dave?
Deuterium Boy
Owww... I feel like I've been run over by
a truck. Great Orgies of Dionysus, Hydrogen Guy... what happened? What are we
doing here?
Hydrogen Guy
Duck!
Deuterium Boy
Huh?
Hydrogen Guy pushes him down just before the pendulum slams into him. They are underneath the Beast, the great mechanical horse clock for which Maple Ridge is world-renowned. As the pendulum begins its upswing, they scramble out from underneath.
Emerging into daylight, they are the subject of curious stares from passers-by. Hydrogen Guy straightens his hat and adjusts his tie in an attempt to preserve his dignity. Deuterium Boy stares back blearily.
Hydrogen Guy
Getting back to the subject at hand...
last thing I remember is feeling woozy after eating too much Indian food. I have
no idea how we ended up passed out underneath the horse clock.
Deuterium Boy
Same here.
Hydrogen Guy
I had some mighty strange dreams,
though... though I guess it could've been the curried noodles.
Deuterium Boy
I don't remember any dreams.
Hydrogen Guy
I have a bad feeling about this, DB. Let's
get back to the Cave, I think we should ask Doug about this.
He turns and stops.
Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy...
Deuterium Boy
Yes, Hydrogen Guy?
Hydrogen Guy
Can you smell anything?
Deuterium Boy pauses, giving the air a tentative sniff.
Deuterium Boy
No... well, yes, I can smell car exhaust,
hot dogs, all the usual city things - but...
Hydrogen Guy
But no NOx, oxidizing lipids,
trace hydrocarbons, pigeon pheromones... our hyper-chemical sense of smell is
gone.
Deuterium Boy
Oh shit.
Hydrogen Guy
I can't feel the hydrogen field
either.
Deuterium Boy
Me neither. HG, are - are our powers
gone?
Hydrogen Guy
I don't know. DB - I'll race you across
the street. Full speed.
Deuterium Boy
Okay.
Hydrogen Guy
Ready set go!
He takes off full throttle, Deuterium Boy close behind him. Well, not quite full throttle - usually Hydrogen Guy can do 2700 m/s without breaking a sweat, but today he finds himself huffing and puffing to get across before the light changes.
Car
BWAAAAP!!
Hydrogen Guy
Aaah!
He leaps for the sidewalk, barely being missed by an irate Buick. Deuterium Boy, who beat across him by a few tenths of a second, helps him to his feet.
Deuterium Boy
That's the first time I've out-raced you
since we became superheroes.
Hydrogen Guy
I know, *puff* I think I've lost my root-2
advantage. I'm running like an out-of-shape physicist again, not the most mobile
atom in the Universe.
Deuterium Boy
They're gone. Our super-powers are
gone.
Hydrogen Guy
Arg... give me a minute to recover...
*puff* *puff* DB - we gotta get back to the Cave. I think Doug will know what's
happened. He has to. Come on, there's a Hydrogen Duct behind the
horse.
Deuterium Boy
I think we'd better use the cross-walk
this time.
Hydrogen Guy
Good idea.
It was a day for groggy awakenings. Lonnie Peel drifted back to consciousness to find himself bound to a conveyer belt with bicycle chain. He could still move his head, so he glanced around to see if Desdemona was in sight. He found her next door.
Desdemona
Welcome back. Are you all right?
Lonnie
Where the hell are we?
Desdemona
It looks like an abandoned bicycle factory.
We're tied to a conveyer belt, and when whoever captured us pushes that big red
switch over there, we'll convey are way into that hydraulic press over there. By
the set up, I'd say we've been captured by super-villains.
Lonnie
Your ex-boyfriend?
Desdemona
Nah. Deuterium Boy would probably use molten
lava.
Lonnie
Great. I shoulda just shoved you out of the car
and taken my chance with the panda bear, you know?
Desdemona
I'm fine, by the way, thanks for asking.
Twisted my ankle when the cave collapsed on us, but I can work with that. We CIA
girls are tough cookies.
Lonnie
You seem awfully composed about this whole
thing.
Desdemona
Stick with me, Carrot, and you'll learn that
there are much worse situations that this. We'll probably have time to work
something out while the fiends are explaining their plans to us.
Lonnie
You know, I'd feel sorry for Deuterium Boy, but
I'm saving my pity for myself right now. And stop calling me "Carrot"!
Desdemona
C'mon - your last name's Peel and you've got
red hair, what am I supposed to call you?
Lonnie
How about "Lonnie"?
Desdemona
Who in God's name wants to be called
that?
Lonnie
I do! Well, not really, I think it was a bad
move on my parents part... but I prefer it to "Carrot"!
Desdemona
I'd kill for a cool nickname like "Carrot".
You know what they called me in the Academy?
Lonnie
I don't care.
Desdemona
"Chicken Legs". You know why they called me
that?
Lonnie
Because you had scrawny legs?
Desdemona
No, because my mother sent me a care-package
with chicken leg soup in it.
Lonnie
That's disgusting.
Desdemona
Lots of people eat it. The Hungarians, the
Chinese... try explaining that to my classmates, though.... why, you think I
have scrawny legs?
Lonnie
Why the hell are we talking about college
nicknames when we're strapped to a conveyor belt?!
Desdemona
Well, sorry. I was trying to put you at ease.
A tense agent is an ineffective agent - that's the Chief's rule number
three.
Lonnie
How can I be at ease when at any moment I could
be smashed by a hydraulic press?
Desdemona
Not at any moment. I told you, he'll probably
spend twenty minutes explaining his plans to us, mock us a little bit, let us
get some witty hero/villain banter in - then kill us.
Lonnie
That's comforting. No, really, you don't know
how comforting it is to know that 60's spy movies are documentaries.
Desdemona
Unless it's Dumnoric... he usually just kills
people outright. He never did play by the rules.
Lonnie
I am so not at ease right now.
Desdemona
Sorry.
Lonnie
You know what would put me at ease? Really? It
would put me at ease if you stopped talking and left me alone with my fear. Or
at least came up with some kind of plan for getting us out of here.
Desdemona
Sorry. I'll keep quiet until I have a plan,
okay?
Lonnie
Fine.
Thirty seconds pass.
Desdemona
Seriously, though, do you think I have
scrawny legs?
Meanwhile, in the foreman's office, Dumnoric and the Crustacean share a glass of red wine - a Cyñrian 1995, from the Shroud's private stock. Dumnoric is sitting at the desk. The Crustacean sits on the desk's surface, a shot glass of wine beside him, and his bowl nearby.
Dumnoric
I respect Trudeau. I think he is excellent at
what he does. Should I attain a modicum of power, he would one of the first I
killed. That is an extremely high compliment.
Crustacean
Indeed. I, of course, believe in killing
humans indiscriminately. But were I interested in human concepts of power, rest
assured both you and Trudeau would be killed almost immediately.
Dumnoric
You are very kind. Don't think I don't
consider you a threat, because I do -
Crustacean
Thank you.
Dumnoric
- but frankly, I'd rather have you on my side.
I would be more than willing to work something out with you, to accommodate your
special interests.
Crustacean
Indeed? It is unfortunate that will never
come to pass.
Dumnoric
We are straying from the topic I wanted to
discuss. I am not fond of Trudeau's attitude with respects the items of power in
his possession - the philosopher's wort, and the Ruler. Especially the
former.
Crustacean
Are you still pouting that he wouldn't let
you examine it?
Dumnoric
There is a great deal that he isn't telling
us. Consider - have you noticed how healthy he looks?
Crustacean
All humans look more or less the same to me.
But yes, he does appear to be in good health.
Dumnoric
And yet less than a month ago, he was
supposedly on his deathbed. The man is over ninety years old, but he looks like
he's in his late forties.
Crustacean
Now that you mention it, I do recall hearing
that he was dying. But you know such reports can be deceiving. Most of the world
believes that I'm dead, after-all.
Dumnoric
I've cast a few small spells while he's been
around. Gathering information. There's something very strange about the man. My
spells indicate he is - I don't know exactly how to express it to a
non-specialist - they indicate he is strongly "rooted".
Crustacean
How do you mean?
Dumnoric
As though - let me explain by analogy. It is
like a garden. Most flowers have roots that only penetrate a few inches into the
soil. They can be easily torn up by the gardener, a cat, a dog. But then there
is the great climbing rose, with its roots going even deeper than some trees. If
the gardener wants to dig it out, he must dig a crater many times the size and
depth of the whole garden. You follow me?
Crustacean
It sounds as though you think Trudeau is
immortal.
Dumnoric
The Philosopher's Stone, which alchemists
sought for centuries, was supposed to be an Elixir of Life as well as transform
base metals into gold. In a few texts I have read, it is referred to as a
spice.
Crustacean
I see... you are saying that the
philosopher's wort has restored Trudeau, and given him eternal life?
Dumnoric
It is the only hypothesis that fits the facts
as I know them.
Crustacean
The treacherous worm... then Hydrogen Guy is
not powerless, but immortal?
Dumnoric
I confess, I don't know. There may well be
aspects to the Philosopher's Stone that the ancients didn't know. After all,
they never found it by chemical means. It may indeed affect Elementals
differently. I believe that what Trudeau told us was the truth, but only part of
the truth.
He stood, and carried his wine glass to the window overlooking the factory floor.
Dumnoric
Trudeau has deceived us, Crustacean. He wants
to grab power for himself. The Ruler we can keep from him, because as he said,
we each of us are watching the other three. But the wort is possibly even more
powerful a weapon - and that he is keeping for himself.
Crustacean
It is our duty to take it from
him.
Dumnoric
Agreed.
He sips his wine and glances out the window.
Dumnoric
It looks as though our prisoners have woken
up. Shall we go down and explain our fiendish plans to them, before leaving them
to their easily escapable death?
Crustacean
Indubitably.
They hold each other's gaze for a second, then burst into laughter. Dumnoric helps the Crustacean onto his shoulder, and they leave the office.
Lonnie had very nearly succeeded in biting through his lower lip by the time Dumnoric and the Crustacean arrived.
Desdemona
Dumnoric! You!
Dumnoric
Hello, Desdemona. Such a surprise to see you
again. Have you been well? I see you're wearing your hair differently. Purple is
very much your colour.
Desdemona
Go to hell.
Lonnie
Dumnoric? Isn't that the guy you said
-
Desdemona
Shut up, Lonnie.
Dumnoric
And this is your friend, the infamous Lonnie
Peel. How do you do, Lonnie, I am Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric. I believe you
know my friend, the Crustacean.
Crustacean
Peel.
Lonnie
Oh my God -- y-you're really a
lobster!
Crustacean
You will pay for double-crossing me, Peel,
just as your partners have paid. With their lives.
Lonnie
Listen, I had nothing to do with it! I had no
idea they were gonna hit the Circle's lab, I thought it was gonna be a bank job
like your Mr. Johnson said! I'm innocent!
Crustacean
You're human, and an idiot. Those are crimes
enough. Start it, Dumnoric.
Dumnoric reaches over and hits the big red button. Warning buzzers and lights go off, and the conveyer belt lurches into motion, drawing Desdemona and Lonnie inexorably towards the hydraulic press.
Dumnoric
You have such a way with parting lines,
Crustacean.
Crustacean
Thank you.
Dumnoric
Mr. Peel! Before you die, one last nagging
detail - are you Hydrogen Guy? Or Deuterium Boy?
Lonnie
Will any answer I give you make you turn this
thing off?
Dumnoric
No.
Lonnie
Then no! I'm not!
Dumnoric
Ah well. We'll handle them when the time
comes. Good-bye, Desdemona - I notice you're first into the press. I shall enjoy
watching your death.
Desdemona
Fuck you, Griff.
Lonnie
If you've thought of a plan, now would be a good
time to put it into action.
Desdemona
Oh, I've got one all right.
Lonnie
What?
Desdemona
I'm gonna close my eyes and hope like
hell that the guy in the death cloak has good aim.
An airborne scythe implants itself in the conveyer belt just millimeters from Desdemona's arm, pinning the belt to the carousel. There is the sound of grinding metal, but it holds - the conveyor belt has stopped!
Helium Girl
Ohmygod, that was totally such an awesome
shot!
Reaper
[modest silence]
Dumnoric
What the --
He jerks his head away from the machine and looks up at the catwalk overhead, where Helium Girl and Reaper, the Minion of Death, are standing.
Helium Girl
Hold it right there, Dumb Nordic! Your
little pastry stamping party is, like, totally over!
Dumnoric
Ah, this must be the famous Helium Girl, eh?
If you want to stop me - come get me!
Crustacean
Dumnoric!
Dumnoric
Settle down, she's powerless,
remember?
He waves his hands and a pair of violet fireballs materialize around his fists. He hurls them at the would-be rescuers with a demented laugh.
Helium Girl shrieks and ducks, as Reaper leaps off the catwalk, somersaults twice on the way down and lands beside Desdemona. He pulls his scythe out of the groaning catwalk, then in the blink of an eye slices through the prisoner's chains. They tumble off the conveyor belt, relieved.
Lonnie
Ow! You nicked me!
Desdemona
You probably flinched! Hey, thanks Dr. Death.
You wouldn't happen to have --
Reaper reaches into his cloak and produces a nasty, curved dagger. He hands it to Desdemona.
Desdemona
Thanks!
Meanwhile, Helium Girl stands hesitantly at the edge of the catwalk. Try as she might, she cannot summon the proper buoyancy to float her way down.
Helium Girl
Reaper! Something's wrong! I'm
stuck!
Crustacean
Dumnoric, we're outnumbered!
Retreat!
Dumnoric
Ha ha ha! Floating problems, Helium Girl?
Perhaps you need some help taking the plunge!
He summons another, larger fireball and hurls it at the catwalk. It explodes behind Helium Girl, and the rickety structure snaps loose and plummets to the ground!
Dumnoric laughs and envelops himself and the Crustacean in a cloud of smoke.
Reaper launches himself forward, using the scythe as a pole vault. He reaches Helium Girl's position microseconds before she hits the ground. They roll out of the way, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the catwalk.
Desdemona rushes forward into Dumnoric's cloud of smoke, slashing randomly with the dagger. All she succeeds in doing is dispersing the billows.
Desdemona
Dammit! He's gone!
Lonnie
It looks like someone's not at ease.
She spins around and jabs with the knife. Lonnie jumps back.
Desdemona
One more crack out of you and I'll put you
permanently at ease.
Lonnie
Whoa! Okay, okay! Jeez, for someone who's life
was just saved, you'd think you'd be little happier!
Desdemona
Sorry, Carrot. That slimeball gets under my
skin.
They turn towards Reaper, who is helping a limping Helium Girl over to them.
Helium Girl
I don't understand.. it's like, my powers
are just gone...
Desdemona
Thanks for the rescue, Spooky.
She offers him his dagger back. He waves her off with a generous air.
Desdemona
Thanks!
She slips the blade into her belt.
Desdemona
Helium Girl - are you okay?
Helium Girl
Huh? Yeah, I think I just, like, twisted
something. But my helium powers are just, like, gone! Dammit, I knew I was
having too much fun this weekend. Shoulda known the stupid powers wouldn't have
let me...
Desdemona
Hey, hey... don't beat yourself up, kid. We
all gotta have fun sometimes, and we all have off days.
Helium Girl
Reaper - we gotta get back to the Cave. I
have to tell Deuterium Boy.
A strange look crosses Desdemona's face.
Desdemona
You mind if I tag along? I have some
unfinished business with Deuterium Boy myself.
Helium Girl
All right. I think Doug said you were
supposed to come anyway, right Reaper?
Reaper nods.
Lonnie
Hey - we were there earlier. In the Hydrogen
Cave. Something happened, a landslide or something. That's when the Crustacean
and Dumnoric captured us.
Helium Girl
Yeah, Doug told Reaper about that too. We'd
better go. You guys have a car or something?
Desdemona shakes her head. She pulls the knife out of her belt.
Desdemona
Don't worry about it. I'll
improvise.
Lonnie
She's good at it. Trust me.
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stare around the Hydrogen Cave in horror. They pick their way through the rubble, looking at crushed equipment and furniture.
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost... look at
this...
Deuterium Boy
You keep saying that.
Hydrogen Guy
What else can I say?! Jesus Christ! It's,
it's... AAGH!
Deuterium Boy
Is our insurance gonna cover
this?
Hydrogen Guy
What the hell happened? DB, did we lose a
war or something that I've forgotten about?
Deuterium Boy
If you've forgotten it, so have I. Look
at this - was this the mainframe?
Hydrogen Guy
This is gonna cost millions to replace.
Doug! Doug, are you here?
Doug
*gurgle*
Deuterium Boy
He's over here! Jeez, Doug, what is this?
You're in the middle of a blast crater?
Hydrogen Guy
The vault's cracked open... I'm gonna go
check it out.
A moment later he rushes back out, his face white.
Hydrogen Guy
It's gone! Dave, it's gone!
Deuterium Boy
What, the Cheese of Chandraesekhar? Thank
God.
Hydrogen Guy
No, the Ruler of Elendil!
Deuterium Boy
Oh, shit...
They sit down on a piece of rock. Deuterium Boy holds Doug, and gazes morosely into his empty sockets.
Hydrogen Guy
DB, we are so far up shit creek it
wouldn't help even if we did have a paddle.
Deuterium Boy
Hell, it'd take a team of tugboats to get
us back at this point.
Hydrogen Guy
Our powers gone, the Cave in ruins, the
Ruler stolen... it's like, like, like a piece of the Universe just came crashing
down on our heads.
Deuterium Boy
Is this the Doom of Noffras?
Doug?
Doug is silent.
Hydrogen Guy
What happened? Where've we been for the
last five days? Who did all this?
Desdemona
It was Dumnoric. And the
Crustacean.
The Diatomic Duo leap to their feet. Desdemona, Lonnie Peel, Helium Girl and Reaper have emerged from the elevator.
Deuterium Boy
Desdemona?!
Hydrogen Guy
Reaper! Helium Girl!
Lonnie
Hi, um, my name's Lonnie?
They ignore him.
Hydrogen Guy
Helium Girl, are your powers --
Helium Girl
Gone. I'm powerless.
Hydrogen Guy
Dammit! So are we. What happened
here?
Helium Girl
Dumnoric and the Crustacean got into the
Cave and stole the Ruler of Elendil. Or so we guess from what Doug told Reaper,
and from what Desdemona said.
Desdemona
We were in here when it collapsed. I don't
remember anything after that, sorry.
Hydrogen Guy
Helium Girl, do you have any idea where
we've been since the Indian restaurant? Because we have no idea.
Helium Girl
I don't know! I woke up the next morning at
my place and Reaper was there. I - I tried to get in touch with you guys on
Friday, but got no answer. I have no idea where you were.
Hydrogen Guy
What do you mean, on Friday? You mean you
can remember what you did on those days? Why the hell didn't you come into the
Cave when you couldn't get in touch with us? Why the hell didn't you try to find
us?!
Helium Girl
I didn't think you needed me.
Hydrogen Guy
WELL, APPARENTLY WE DID!
Deuterium Boy
Easy, HG. We're all in this
together.
Desdemona
Maybe not all of us.
They turn back to her.
Deuterium Boy
What do you mean? And Desdemona, what are
you doing here? I haven't heard from you in two years.
Desdemona
I've been in Tibet. I... needed a break.
Listen, David... I came to the Cave earlier to find you. We need to
talk.
Deuterium Boy
Apparently. But now is not --
Desdemona
No, I'm not sure it can wait any
longer.
She took a deep breath. Inside, parts of her screamed that Deuterium Boy was right, that this could wait, maybe indefinitely. But something urged her on.
Desdemona
I've been given the job of CIA mole in
Victoria. Although I've been AWOL so long, the Agency might think I'm dead, or
gone rogue, I don't know... David, after the Cordoniz government had got on its
feet[see ep.12], I was sent to Washington for debriefing. While I was there, I
had a look at your file.
Deuterium Boy
My file?
Desdemona
You CIA file. You all have one. Well, maybe
not you, Lonnie, I doubt you're important enough. I looked just on a whim. Like
you know how when you're in love, you like to look up the other person's name in
the phone book, just to see their name? Well, that's what I did. I was surprised
at first at how thick it was.
Deuterium Boy
Oh no...
Desdemona
Then I saw something... I couldn't believe my
eyes. It completely changed the way I thought about you.
Deuterium Boy
Des, no... don't do this. Not
now.
Desdemona
Yes now, David. Right at the top of that
file, underneath your name, birth-date, SIN and credit card numbers, it said
you'd been a CSIS agent for the last ten years. And that your "permanent,
floating assignment" was to keep tabs on one R. James Evans, theoretical
physicist.
Hydrogen Guy
What?
Deuterium Boy
Uh... I...
Helium Girl
Deuterium Boy?
Desdemona
It seems that CSIS had pegged Mr. Evans as a
"potential subversive" after some articles he wrote for the Simon Fraser
University newspaper. When he achieved national prominence for his theoretical
work, they decided to assign an agent to keep watch on him. As luck would have
it, one of his collaborators was a deep cover agent.
Hydrogen Guy
You?
Deuterium Boy
Jim, uh...
Hydrogen Guy
You were spying on me for
CSIS?
Desdemona
Then in 199-, Evans and Marcolin were in an
accident involving a botched experiment. Suddenly the subject had assumed the
identity of Hydrogen Guy, and his partner and personal spook was Deuterium Boy.
What was most interesting is that your assignment to watch him never
ended.
Deuterium Boy
That's a lie! I resigned after the
accident!
Desdemona
Is it?! That file said the last report CSIS
had received from you was just one month before! That was six months after the
two of you were in Welsh Guiana!
Deuterium Boy
That's not true! I --
Desdemona
You've been spying on your best friend and
partner for the Canadian government for eight years! How could I love someone
who could do something like that, David?! How could you be so low?
A deadly silence hangs over the Cave.
Hydrogen Guy
Since when have you been a CSIS
agent?
Deuterium Boy
Ah... I...
Hydrogen Guy
Answer me.
Deuterium Boy
They recruited me in University. All
those trips I took to Clinton for SCA were really training sessions.
Hydrogen Guy
I see.
There is a very long pause.
Hydrogen Guy
You're not trying to explain.
Deuterium Boy
What can I say? She's right. She's right
about everything but one, I resigned my commission when we became superheroes. I
should have told you, but I didn't know how you'd react. No, no, I knew how
you'd react, that's why I didn't tell you. I'm sorry.
Desdemona
That's not what your CIA file says.
Hydrogen Guy
Shut up, Desdemona.
Another long pause - these, and groggy awakenings, seem to be the order of the day. Hydrogen Guy removes his hat, and his mask, and rubs the bridge of his nose. He sighs.
Hydrogen Guy
Get out.
Deuterium Boy
What?
Hydrogen Guy
I said get out. You, and her.
He points to Desdemona.
Hydrogen Guy
Just... get out.
Deuterium Boy looks at Hydrogen Guy for a long while. He searches for something to say, but can find nothing. Without a word he turns and walks to the elevator.
Helium Girl watches him go. She looks at Hydrogen Guy. Like Deuterium Boy, she can't find any words that would be appropriate. She launches herself off of Reaper, who has been helping her keep weight off her bad leg, and limps quickly after Deuterium Boy.
Lonnie steps forward and quietly tugs on Desdemona's sleeve. Without looking up, she turns and walks after Helium Girl. Lonnie glances up at Hydrogen Guy, then at Reaper, standing tall and silent as always, then follows Desdemona.
When the elevator closes, the ruined Cave is empty except for Reaper, Hydrogen Guy, and the comatose rubber skeleton.
Well, it seems as though Hans-Raoul's plans have all come to fruition. Will we really leave our heroes, defeated? What do you think? Find out in part VI of ...
Armageddon With A Side Of Fries
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen web-site!