Episode 36

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries - Part VI

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Last Episode: Escaping the rock-slide caused by Battle Armor Bob's enthusiastic target practice, our villains break into the Hydrogen Cave's Dangerous Things Vault and steal the Ruler of Elendil. The Crustacean and Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric take the unconscious Desdemona and Lonnie "Carrot" Peel prisoner, while Jean-Marc Trudeau and Battle Armor Bob return to Abaddon. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are returned to Earth, and wake up to find their powers gone. Meanwhile Helium Girl is with Reaper when Doug contacts him astrally and tells him what has happened in the Cave. In an abandoned bicycle factory, Dumnoric tells the Crustacean that he suspects the philosopher's wort has made Trudeau immortal, and they plan to steal it from him. Helium Girl and Reaper arrive just in time to save Lonnie and Desdemona, and the villains escape. Reaper, Helium Girl, Desdemona and Lonnie go to the Hydrogen Cave, where they find Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy baffled by the devastation. Desdemona reveals that Deuterium Boy's alter ego David Marcolin is an under-cover CSIS agent, who has been watching and reporting on theoretical physicist Jim Evans (HG's alter-ego) as a potential subversive. Hydrogen Guy flips his lid, and the others save Reaper leave him alone and powerless in the ruined Hydrogen Cave.

A silence so thick it eats like a meal hung over the Hydrogen Cave. Hydrogen Guy, unmasked and hatless, sits on a pile of rock next to a demolished computer console - possibly it was the Spy Satellite Relay, it's hard to tell. Reaper lurks inscrutably in the background. It's hard to say which is the darker, more brooding presence.

Hydrogen Guy is subjecting a particular lump of stone to an unnerving amount of scrutiny. To look at him, neither Hydrogen Guy nor Jim Evans (world renowned theoretical physicist) seems capable of a truly hard stare. However, it is a wonder that the at which rock he's currently staring doesn't scurry off for cover. He stares at the rock, or rather past it, as if he could see through to the Cave's elegantly tiled floor, with a burning intensity. Perhaps he's imagining it's Deuterium Boy.

Actually, imagining his recent ex-partner, or his recent ex-partner's ex-girlfriend, to be made of stone, is by far the kindest thought about either that he's entertaining.

Reaper regards him worriedly. He had no idea what he was bringing to the Hydrogen Cave, and is now regretting it as much as he regretted his earlier actions here. Life is not easy in Reaper's head right now, but it is not on his guilt that he's dwelling, but on Hydrogen Guy's well-being and the well-being of one of the superhero world's greatest partnerships.

He feels an insistent tugging on the astral plane. Not Doug this time, who has been strangely silent during the last few moments, but a more distant presence. He looks up, just in time to see the flash of light signaling a new arrival. Reaper tenses, and shifts his scythe to a ready position. Not that it would do any good against this one.

N
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Hydrogen Guy tears his gaze away from the rock and looks at N. Fury and apathy battle it out in his eyes and reach an uneasy truce.

Hydrogen Guy
What do you want?

The suave, middle-aged man in the expensive suit ignores him. Hands clasped behind his back, he meanders through the rubble.

N
A handful of days ago, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy were the most powerful heroes on the planet. And now - here you are, powerless, your cave destroyed, the Ruler of Elendil looted like a piece of Japanese electronics, betrayed by your closest friend... you're left, a worthless nothing. Ah, well. You still have your health.

Hydrogen Guy
Piss off, N.

N
James, is that anyway to treat your benefactor? I'm here to help. Not that you deserve it.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't want to see you now. Get out of my Cave.

N
You're just a regular bouncer this afternoon, aren't you? Well, well...

His loafer scuffs up against an object on the floor. He stoops to pick it up, and produces Doug the rubber skeleton. He holds Doug up and looks him in the eye-sockets.

N
Hello, Doug.

Doug
*gurgle*

N
Well, at least you still have each other.

N tosses the rubber skeleton. It lands in Hydrogen Guy's lap.

Hydrogen Guy
N! Will you just -- ! Just LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY!?

N
Look at you, you're worse than I thought. Is this a man who's been backed into a corner by his enemies and is ready to come out fighting? No, it's a small child being bullied in the schoolyard, crying that he's had enough. Very well, Hydrogen Guy, have it your way. I won't waste my time.

He raises his hand.

Doug
STOP.

Hydrogen Guy starts. N pauses.

N
Well. The Lestar speaks.

Doug
LISTEN TO HIM, JAMES.

N
Simply put.

Hydrogen Guy looks at Doug. He shrugs.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, N. Say your peace.

N
First you have to apologize.

Hydrogen Guy
Piss off.

N
If you don't apologize, I'll go away. You won't learn your destiny and Master Doug will be very angry with you.

Hydrogen Guy
Do you ever know when to quit?!

N
I'm waiting. You have ten seconds.

Hydrogen Guy stares at him stonily. Doug remains quiet. Reaper stands back, puzzled.

N
Five... four...

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay. I'm sorry I yelled at you.

N
And for telling me to piss off?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, yes...

N
Well... that didn't sound very sincere, but just to show you I do know when to quit... I accept your apology. Ready to learn your destiny, Hydrogen Guy?

Hydrogen Guy
Are you going to drag me into the Zone of No Pudding now?

N
Unnecessary. All you do is sit there and listen, as Doug instructed.

Hydrogen Guy
Fine. The remains of the floor is yours.

If there has ever been a more uncomfortable elevator ride, it undoubtedly involved only a smaller elevator. As it is, the Hydrogen Cave's spacious elevator seemed far, far too small, especially to Helium Girl and Lonnie Peel. Desdemona and Deuterium Boy stood on opposite ides of the car, staring straight ahead, silently burning.

After what feels like an eternity, the elevator comes to a stop and opens into a storage closet in the basement of the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics. The doors stand open, but nobody moves. Finally, Desdemona steps forward first and exits the car. Deuterium Boy follows a split second later. Lonnie and Helium Girl glance warily at one another, and follow.

Desdemona pushes open the closet door and steps out into the corridor.

Deuterium Boy
Hold it, stop right there! Desdemona!

She stops and whirls around. She and Deuterium Boy face off, the others hang back.

Desdemona
What?

Deuterium Boy
How could you do that?! What the hell were you thinking?

Desdemona
Your partners deserved to hear the truth, David!

Deuterium Boy
You keep going on about the truth! It's not the truth! Dammit, I resigned my commission!

Desdemona
Nobody resigns from organizations like this, Deuterium Boy. They don't let you. Why do you think I've been hiding in Tibet for two years? Besides, your file contradicts you.

Deuterium Boy
I don't know how to explain that! Even so, that's beside the point. Did you have to come here and destroy my life like this? Are you satisfied, now? You wanna go burn my apartment down, too?

Desdemona
Look -- I'm sorry...

Deuterium Boy
No you're not! How could you be sorry? It's obvious we were in some kind of crisis, and so you just decide to make it worse! Do you know the consequences of what you've done? Something a lot bigger than our relationship could be going on here, and Jim and I didn't need this thing brought up to complicate it!

Desdemona
I -- Look, I --

Deuterium Boy
And who are you to get all morally outraged, anyway? You didn't tell me you were CIA until we'd gotten rid of Hussientos for you! [see ep.12] You fed me all that bullshit about how you wanted Welsh Guiana to be free, when you were really an American who wanted a more America-friendly dictatorship! And you're getting all high and mighty because I wasn't completely truthful?!

Desdemona
You didn't seem to mind when I told you.

Deuterium Boy throws up his hands.

Deuterium Boy
I'D BEEN TURNED INTO A TREE-SLOTH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!

He stands seething. Desdemona tries to speak, but something catches in her throat. She blinks heavily several times, turns and runs down the corridor without another word. Lonnie looks at Deuterium Boy, then runs after her.

Helium Girl
Dave, are you okay?

He doesn't answer her for a while.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah.

Helium Girl
DB -- I'm sorry. We shouldn't have brought her...

Deuterium Boy
It's okay. Who knew?

Helium Girl
Yeah. Yeah! Hey, like, what's with all this spy stuff?

Deuterium Boy
Oh, don't you start... okay, I did a bad thing, but honest, it's been over for years! I don't know who's been putting reports in that file, but it's not me.

Helium Girl
DB -- Dave -- oh!

She flings herself at him and crushes him in a frightened hug. Deuterium Boy staggers, and manages not to fall over.

Helium Girl
Dave, what are we gonna do? We have no powers!

He puts his arms around her shoulders.

Deuterium Boy
I know, I know...

Helium Girl
*sniff* It's all my fault... if I'd come looking for you instead of going away with Cado --

Deuterium Boy
I don't know, maybe it wouldn't have helped. It's -- Yolanda, it'll be okay -- um, er...

Helium Girl
*sniff* WAAAH!!!

He reaches around and detaches his cape. Gently lifting her head up off his shoulder, he puts his cape where she'd been crying, then places her head back.

Helium Girl
*sniff* Thanks, Dave... oh, I'm sorry about, y'know, the crying stuff... it's, like, a girl thing...

Deuterium Boy
It's okay.

Helium Girl
My personal facilitator says, you know, it's, like, bad to bottle things up...

Deuterium Boy
Uh huh, yeah, don't worry about it.

Helium Girl
You can cry too, if you want, I don't mind.

Deuterium Boy
That's quite all right.

Helium Girl
No, I mean, really, I don't mind.

Deuterium Boy
I'd rather not.

Helium Girl
Big macho boob... *sniff* *HONNK!*

Deuterium Boy
HEY!

Helium Girl
Sorry... you have other capes, right?

Deuterium Boy
They're buried under a few tonnes of rock and guarded by the Angel of Vengeance right now.

Helium Girl
Huh? Oh... you think he's really mad?

Deuterium Boy
Oh yeah... I guess he has the right.

Helium Girl
You're both, like, total boobs... Is he gonna forgive you?

Deuterium Boy
I don't know... Sometimes Jim can be really forgiving, sometimes he can hold a grudge for years. Especially against ex-girlfriends.

Helium Girl
Lucky you're not one of those, then... or is there, like, something else you're not telling me?

Deuterium Boy
Less of you, please... I'm not counting Jim out. I'm not going to let this be the end of the Diatomic Duo if I can help it.

Helium Girl
I'm glad. *sniff*

She thwacks him on the chest.

Helium Girl
Trio, you boob! Gawd, you guys always forget about me!

Deuterium Boy
Helium's not diatomic, it's inert.

Helium Girl
So, like, find a "trio" name or something.

Deuterium Boy
Not a high priority right now!

Helium Girl
Sorry... so now what?

He gently pushes her off.

Deuterium Boy
We'll go to the League of Heroes, maybe Chuck War or the Codger can help us out... I don't know, maybe this is too big for the three of us to handle alone.

Helium Girl
Yeah... but maybe not for the three of us, like, together.

He wads up the remains of his cape and stuffs it in his pocket, and then he and Helium Girl make their way for the exit.

N
Let's make this as interactive as we can, shall we? Everyone's so big on interactivity these days. Before you ask, let me deal with the obvious questions - no, I'm not responsible for you losing your powers; yes, I know who is; no, I didn't wreck your precious Cave or take your Ruler of Elendil; yes, I know who did; yes, I'm going to tell you but I have other things to tell you first; and no, I can't give you your powers back. Now -- any other questions?

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... you took most of mine.

N
James, James, always living in the moment, never thinking of the big picture...

Hydrogen Guy
Why can't you give me my powers back?

N throws up his hands.

N
We were talking about you, not me.

Hydrogen Guy
What are you, ELIZA now?

N
Is it because of am I, ELIZA now that you came to see me?

Hydrogen Guy
N!!

N
Yes, yes, yes... fine. I suppose I should start by telling you what questions you should be asking... Do you know why you ever had these hydrogen powers in the first place?

Hydrogen Guy
It was the accident. As near as we can tell, it activated some secret gene or other in our DNA, which started our cells churning out these little organelles that produce the elemental fields. The League of Heroes medical lab found that much out for us.

N
Oh, very good! That's more than I expected from you in eight years of buckle and swash.

Hydrogen Guy
I should get to the League and have them do another analysis... maybe they can tell me why they've stopped working...

N
Patience, my little friend. The reason they've stopped working is that the elemental organelles have been destroyed, and the genes turned off. Turned off, I said - not destroyed, as perhaps your enemies believe.

Hydrogen Guy
Explain.

N
That's why I'm here. James, you and David and your little bubble-headed friend have been poisoned with the only substance which your Elemental metabolisms couldn't laugh off. It is a spice called philosopher's wort, and it does not come from this Universe.

Hydrogen Guy
Not from this Universe? That could only mean - Hans-Raoul.

N
Oh, James, I'm glowing with pride!

Hydrogen Guy
But how... the Indian dinner? It must have been! That explains the cryptic fortune cookies.

N
What kind of Indian restaurant serves fortune cookies?

Hydrogen Guy
An evil one, apparently.

N
On the bright side - philosopher's wort adds decades to the mortal life span. I can see it's done a little something for that receding hairline of yours.

Hydrogen Guy
My hairline is not receding!

N
Not anymore, it's not.

Hydrogen Guy
Back on topic, please?

N
Fine, fine... the spice comes from Hans-Raoul's higher level reality, which I told you about last time we met.

Hydrogen Guy
That was in the future.

N
Ah yes, I remember it well. Anyway, by taking the spice, normal humans find their bodies anchored to the higher-level reality. The spice-infused body rejects toxins and mutations to the DNA that have accumulated over time, leaving itself more REAL than the average shell of clay. You follow me?

Hydrogen Guy
So... that's why the Elemental organelles were destroyed, because they're a genetic mutation?

N
In a sense, they are.

Hydrogen Guy
So all you have to do is turn my genes back on.

N
Not that simple, James. As long as you have the spice anchoring you to the deeper reality, those genes will stay off. In time perhaps the philosopher's wort will succeed in destroying them.

Hydrogen Guy
So pull the stuff out of me, then.

N
No can do, big chief. I can play with this reality to a limited extent, but philosopher's wort I can't get a grip on. Not alone, anyway.

Hydrogen Guy
Then I'll have to get rid of it myself...

N
That's the spirit!

Hydrogen Guy
Assuming I can, or that I want to.

N
And here I thought we were making progress. James, the philosopher's wort is but a doorway to deeper issues. Are you interested in knowing where the Elemental genes come from?

Hydrogen Guy
Academically. Is it germane to my current fix?

N
In ways you have yet to realize. Why don't you sit right back and hear a tale, Hydrogen Guy, of a fallen race older than dirt and a vendetta from near the dawn of time...

Lonnie found Desdemona sitting atop a stack of empty gas cylinders, looking dejected.

Lonnie
Hey -- are you okay?

Desdemona
Thanks, Carrot, you did your bit. You're free to go, I don't need a henchman anymore.

He sits down beside her.

Lonnie
You didn't answer my question.

Desdemona
I said you could go.

Lonnie
Without my protector? The Crustacean will be looking for me again.

Desdemona
I think he has bigger things on his mind...

Lonnie
You really want me to go?

Desdemona
No... Dammit, Lonnie... why did I do that?

Lonnie
I don't know. Why did you?

Desdemona
I don't know... I wanted to confront him in private, I never meant... I mean, not that he doesn't deserve it, but... I should've waited, dammit.

Lonnie
Then why didn't you?

Desdemona
I... it just all built up inside of me and had to come out. Maybe it was something Helium Girl said, the way she looked when she said she needed to find him... Dammit Lonnie... I thought he was a real hero. Better than me and Dumnoric and all the other spies I worked with all the time, stabbing each other in the back because this government or that told us... and then, when I found out he was just as bad as me... I just, I had to get out. But they wouldn't let me, so I ran away to Tibet.

Lonnie
And then they offered you a job in BC?

Desdemona
I thought I might finally get this off my chest... now I've done it and it's still there, but twice as heavy...

Lonnie
Well, it's done now. I guess you can either try and patch things up between them, or leave it to work itself out.

Desdemona
And hope they don't get killed in the process... I'm sorry, Carrot, I didn't mean to drag you into this mess.

Lonnie
It beats working.

Desdemona
Now you've seen all this ugly personal stuff of mine, and nearly got killed in the process.

Lonnie
Better than being blown to pieces by a panda.

The conversation reaches an awkward pause. Desdemona stares at her shoes, dwelling not so much on the drama of the past hour but on this reluctant henchman next to her. She should get in touch with the Agency, she thought, and prepare for her assignment again. She'd probably never see Lonnie again. She found the thought unpleasant.

Lonnie was regarding Desdemona, to his own surprise, with feelings other than terror or exasperation. He felt concern and sympathy, mixed with a trace of affection.

Desdemona
I.. have to go. I probably have people out looking for me.

Lonnie
Sure.

Desdemona
I need a drink first.

Lonnie
I'll buy. Come on, we'll hijack another car.

N
Three million years ago the galaxy was a much different place than it is now, James. Far more exciting. You kids today think you have it hard. A myriad of marauding aliens -- Jelvans, Thyrix, Kfarn, Partuuni, Tornazi, Quirinians, fungi from Pluto -- luxury! We'd have killed for an alien grey to abduct us. And we liked it that way!

Hydrogen Guy
N... just get on with it.

N
As you wish.

Hydrogen Guy
And lose the straw hat.

N
It's my yarn spinnin' hat!

Hydrogen Guy
Lose it.

N
Fine.

Hydrogen Guy
And the whittling.

N
How can I tell a proper tale without whittling? See, I made you an erotic sculpture of your friend Kate Nereid!

Hydrogen Guy
N!

N
Oh, all right!

The offending hat, sculpture, and pocket knife disappear in a flash. N pulls the straw out of his mouth and tosses it aside.

N
Now, where was I? Three million years ago... oh, but it starts much longer ago than that, when the galaxy was young. The first race to come to space in this galaxy came from a world near the Galactic core. It's not there anymore. The people were humans. The first humans... Once they discovered the warp drive, they found the Galaxy a pretty empty place. They expanded quickly, spreading to the farthest corners of the spiral, in a Republic that spanned the Galaxy itself. They developed levels of science and philosophy of which you couldn't even dream, James.
They were a very hierarchical society. A caste for everyone, and everyone in their caste. One caste consisted of the Mages, masters of time and space.

Hydrogen Guy
Wizards?

N
Of a sort. Imagine a class of philosopher-engineers who understood matter, time, space, the mind, all of that jive, so well that they could shape it like a metal-smith does a wire of silver or gold.

Hydrogen Guy
It sounds like a frightening amount of power to have.

N
Oh, it is. The Mages wielded it very carefully. Mages who tried to serve only themselves usually destroyed themselves, at terrible cost. And so they served the Republic, at a safe distance.
Early in the Republic's history, the Mages created a set of warrior-scientist castes, the Elementals. Each Elemental caste had power over a different chemical element. The highest were the Hydrogen Elementals, who held command over the other Elementals. Next highest were the Deuterium Elementals, sworn to protect the President and his or her family. And so on. The First among the Hydrogen Elementals came to be a position of enormous power - literally commander-in-chief of the Galaxy's elite samurai, pardon the mixed metaphor. Is this going to your head yet?

Hydrogen Guy
No.

N
Good, there's nothing I hate more than an uppity Hydrogen Elemental. You see, James, you and your cronies are inheritors of a legacy older than your current human species.

Hydrogen Guy
Go on, please.

N
Yes, yes, just take it all in. Ignore my jokes and asides. The Elementals inherited there powers from the previous generations. The Elemental genes found there way into the general populace, eventually, although they weren't always inherited in an active form. Elementals were rare enough that those with dormant genes were actively sought out. In a population of trillions, the Elementals numbered only a few hundred thousand. The Hydrogen Elementals were rarest of all -- usually only a few dozen extant at any one time. And that brings us to Noffras.

Battle Armor Bob
Cheap American-made crap! C'mon!

Dumnoric
Now you've done it.

The villains are gathered around in the lounge area of Abaddon. Several bags from McDonald's are scattered around. Battle Armor Bob stares morosely at the crushed television, where until several moments ago they had been intently watching the drama in the Hydrogen Cave (courtesy of Jean-Marc Trudeau's miniature spy cameras and microphones). The picture had mysteriously cut out just after the strange appearance of a well-dressed man, and Battle Armor Bob's ministrations had brought about no improvement.

Battle Armor Bob
Dammit, just when it was getting good. Who was that guy?

Trudeau
I don't know. Crustacean?

Crustacean
All humans look alike to me.

Dumnoric
Perhaps a spell-caster of some kind - he seemed to just appear.

Trudeau
Well, no matter... we learned quite enough as it was. We've confirmed that Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl are powerless -- and that Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are Jim Evans and David Marcolin, the famous scientists.

Battle Armor Bob
And woo boy, what a cat fight! The Diatomic Duo are splitsville! Hey, Bruno, stop taking all the fries!

Dumnoric
I'm just eating my fair share...

Battle Armor Bob
You are not, you've eaten half the box already!

Crustacean
Stop your bickering at once or you'll both suffer unimaginable pain.

Dumnoric
He started it.

Battle Armor Bob
Bite me, trench coat boy!

Trudeau
GENTLEMEN... this isn't the time for us to dissolve into petty feuds. Victory is so close, we can taste it!

Crustacean
That's just the Honey BBQ sauce.

Trudeau
Now that we know Hydrogen Guy and his ex-cronies are mere mortals, we can pick them off at our leisure. The only question is, what sort of death best suits our sense of art?

Battle Armor Bob
Stick'em in a fry box, Dumnoric will just eat them.

Dumnoric
Why you...

Trudeau
Dumnoric, just give him the rest of the fries. Thank you... I have to go and make a phone call. Can I leave you three alone?

Battle Armor Bob
We'll behave, scouts honour.

Trudeau
I'll rejoin you in a minute.

He leaves, disappearing into a room in the back.

Crustacean
Well?

Dumnoric
I'm not sure we should trust him.

Battle Armor Bob
Who? D'you mean me? What is it? Tell me tell me!

Crustacean
We believe that Trudeau has been using the philosopher's wort to give himself immortality.

Battle Armor Bob
What? And he didn't share? Well, of all the nerve! What are we going to do about it?

Dumnoric
I propose to remove the Ruler of Elendil from its containment. With the Ruler at our service, he'll have no choice but to give us the spice.

Battle Armor Bob
Oh, done and done!

He pops open a compartment on his suit's arm and pulls out the Ruler.

Dumnoric
What?!

Crustacean
Impossible! We saw Trudeau put it in the containment field!

Battle Armor Bob
You're not the only one who can pull a little legerdemain, Bruno. The containment field cycles with the 120 Hz power supply. At the weak point in the cycle I just reached in with the suit and pulled it out. I stuck a dummy in as a decoy. I did it when you three were bitching at each other over Des and Lonnie's little rescue.

Dumnoric
Impressive. You're not as much a fool as you look. Or sound. Or --

Battle Armor Bob
That'll do, thank you. So you want the stick or not?

Dumnoric
You'll yield it to me? Willingly?

Battle Armor Bob
It's not like I know how to use it. And Cuddle Claws here isn't exactly Errol Flynn, if you get my drift. Unfortunately that leaves you. But you'll notice the little gadget I attached to the bottom? It goes boom if it gets too far from my suit.

Crustacean
Nice touch.

Battle Armor Bob
Oh, isn't it?

Dumnoric
Very well... when Trudeau comes back, we act.

Hydrogen Guy
Noffras! Finally!

Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
So spill, N -- who or what was Noffras?

N
Noffras was the penultimate First of the Hydrogen Elementals. He led at time when their numbers were at an all time low, through various quirks of fate. There were only five Hydrogen Elementals, including Noffras, in the Galaxy. Five among trillions.

Hydrogen Guy
So what happened?

N
Noffras was arrogant, conceited, not particularly wise - dangerous qualities for one of the galaxy's most powerful citizens. At the time, other races had started to emerge into space, and found the party started without them. Clashes with these barbarian races had become a daily fact of life in many parts of the Republic. I still remember that one in particular - the Partuuni. Now they're the old men of the galaxy, but then they were squalling infants, testing their mettle against the Republic. They were closer to the homeworld than most barbarians, and so Noffras decided to make, I don't know, an example of them or something. Show of force, rattle your sabres, lay your member on the table and see who's is longer, that sort of thing. Noffras took the three senior Hydrogen Elementals with him to Partuuni as part of a diplomatic envoy. The one left behind was an apprentice, a kid who hadn't even come into his full powers yet. I'm sure you see where this is going.

Hydrogen Guy
Noffras asked for trouble and got it?

N
The whole diplomatic mission was killed by a terrorist's bomb. Chemical explosives - a few pounds of fertilizer in a parked car. They didn't even have the courtesy to use a nuke. The four most powerful beings in the Galaxy, the Mighty Hydrogen Elementals of the Great and Good Republic, with all their awesome powers -- killed by savages with cutting-edge 19th century technology.

Hydrogen Guy
Huh.

N
You see, James... the Doom of Noffras. His conceit that he was the most powerful, the untouchable, the unmatchable, led him to an easily avoided, stupid death. And ultimately to the death of the Republic itself. Legend says the Mages are still punishing him for his sins today...

Hydrogen Guy
I see.

N
You let your guard down, James. You three were becoming like Noffras - you push around the smaller children on your street and you think it makes you tough. Oooh, a lobster! Oooh, an inter-dimensional vector! Oooh, a few spooks and spies and scatological clowns! Even after we showed you your true enemy, you continued to rest on your laurels and amuse yourself with the puzzles he set out for you. And now, while you weren't looking, he has arrayed your enemies against you and shattered those things you thought were your strengths. The Doom of Noffras is another name for hubris, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy remains silent. Remarkably, so does N. Reaper, who the others have all but forgotten, looks on.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. Wow. What can I say, N -- you're right.

N
Of course I'm right, I'm omniscient.

Hydrogen Guy
When I came back from Ottawa, it all felt so easy. Like slipping into a comfortable sweater. That's not what a superhero should feel. This isn't a hobby, or a private club... or a high school clique.

N
Precisely.

Hydrogen Guy
You hang around in the shadows, you use your wits and powers and brute violence against evil, you face death... worse than that, you face the possibility of life after having everything taken away from you.

N
Everyone faces that danger. You just do it on a bigger, more cosmic scale, so that everyone else doesn't have to. That's what being an Elemental was all about.

Hydrogen Guy
It's still what it's about. [sighs] Okay, so I messed up... but I'm not the only one.

N
Yes, your partners made their blunders as well.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy's betrayed me.

N
Has he? He wasn't entirely honest with you, true... but what he told you when that harpy Desdemona was here was the truth.

Hydrogen Guy
That he was out of it? I don't know... maybe he was, maybe he wasn't...

N
Do you think that CSIS knows all of its deep cover agents by sight, or voice? He may not have been the one filing those reports.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know... N, how can I trust him now? How can I be sure, you know, that when I'm fighting with Hans-Raoul or someone, he won't decide that it's better for National Security that I lose?

N
Because he's your friend.

Hydrogen Guy
Friends don't spy on one another.

N
Nor do they toss each other out without hearing a word of explanation. Consider carefully, James. David is a classic Deuterium Elemental - loyal to his Country, his First, and above all, his comrades.

Hydrogen Guy
Hm.

N
Let me continue my story.

Trudeau steps into his private office. He sits at the desk, and presses a button on a control panel built into the desktop.

Voice
ICBC switchboard. How may I direct your call?

Trudeau
Hans-Raoul Galerkin, please. It's Trudeau.

Voice
One moment, Senator.

A few seconds a low-resolution, monochrome hologram of Hans-Raoul appears on the desktop.

Hans-Raoul
Senator Trudeau. I'm honoured by your call.

Trudeau
Are you free?

Hans-Raoul
Yes. I'm just doing some paper-work. How's the project going?

Trudeau
Like clockwork. The philosopher's wort seems to have worked. And we have just watched the Covalent Crusaders undergo a major falling-out.

Hans-Raoul
Ah ha. So Desdemona's arrived, has she?

Trudeau
Why am I not surprised that this is your doing?

Hans-Raoul
I really had to hustle to get this one - I used all the favours and blackmail I had to get her sent here. I'm glad it worked out.

Trudeau
They are thoroughly demoralized. They'll be easy pickings, now.

Hans-Raoul
You should expect an attack soon. They're not out of resources, there's the League of Heroes and Galactic Customs on their side as well. But I think the playing field is level enough now that you will prevail, provided you've made no mistakes.

Trudeau
Our success is proof that no mistakes have been made. It's a challenge keeping a tight rein on the others, though.

Hans-Raoul
Co-operations of this nature are always like that. You should consider killing them soon.

Trudeau
After Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are dead. The others are still useful, for now.

Hans-Raoul
Be very careful.

Trudeau
Of course.

Hans-Raoul
Anything else? The spice continues to be satisfactory?

Trudeau
Quite, yes.

Hans-Raoul
Excellent... I have to go, my 4:00 assassination is here. Remember, be careful, no mistakes.

Trudeau
Of course, Galerkin. Trudeau out.

The hologram dissolves. Trudeau taps the desk with satisfaction, and goes to the door.

He finds Abaddon apparently empty. Immediately, he is suspicious.

He has a right to be.

Trudeau
Come out, come out, boys...

Receiving no response, he walks to the sideboard, and opens a bottle of port. He pours himself a glass. Just as he's raising it to his lips, he hears a noise. He looks away.

The port reaches out of the glass and grabs him by the throat. He drops the glass, but the liquid claw maintains its grip on his windpipe.

The bottle tumbles over and spills on the ground. The liquid from the bottle begins to coalesce, and joins with the hand. The liquid form wavers, and assumes the form of Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric.

Trudeau
*urk!* What is the meaning of this?

Dumnoric draws the Ruler of Elendil from his coat.

Dumnoric
The spice. Give it to me.

He squeezes tighter.

Trudeau
Argh...

Trudeau swings at Dumnoric. His hand is stopped in mid-air by the crushing grip of Battle Armor Bob.

Battle Armor Bob
Na-ah, Rosey. Give it up.

The Crustacean is perched on the shoulder of his suit of battle armor.

Crustacean
We know the secret of the philosopher's wort, treacherous human.

Battle Armor Bob
And if you think you're the only one who gets to keep looking fabulous into his second century, you're dead wrong.

Trudeau
All right! Let go of me and I'll give it to you!

Dumnoric releases his grip, as does Battle Armor Bob.

Trudeau
So it's a revolt is it, then? After all I've done for you?

Crustacean
The spice, human.

Trudeau
Okay, okay... follow me.

He walks back to the office. They follow him closely. Trudeau goes to the wall panel behind his desk, and slides it open.

Dumnoric
Open it. Remember that Ballistier's reloaded.

Trudeau
I know, I was here for the hour and a half it took him. He never stopped whining about how his shell casings didn't match the plasma packs.

Battle Armor Bob
Well they don't, and it ruins the effect.

Trudeau opens the safe. He swings the door open, and stands aside.

Crustacean
It's empty!

Trudeau
Not quite.

He claps his hands. Suddenly, there is a flurry of movement from above -- and Dumnoric and his cohorts find themselves surrounded by ninjas!

Trudeau
ICBC ninjas, my friends. Fiercely loyal, and extremely deadly.

Battle Armor Bob
Feh. What can a bunch of guys in pyjamas do against my battle armor, anyway?

Battle Armor Bob finds himself staring down at a ninja holding a smoking piece of machinery.

Battle Armor Bob
Hey! That's my power supply! Dammit -- I can't move!

Trudeau
Do not taunt the ninja, M. Ballistier. And less you consider it, Mr. Dumnoric, they are also well protected by wards from ICBC's staff necromancers - not as talented as you, but talented enough. And their ninja training, Mr. Crustacean, precludes any attempts at mind control.
Now, gentlemen -- do we have an understanding?

Hydrogen Guy
You said that Noffras's mistake led to the downfall of the Republic?

N
Perhaps it did. Or perhaps it was inevitable. I've learned in my eons of living that could-have-beens are dangerous things. Anyway... Noffras's death left the apprentice, Luther, as the last Hydrogen Elemental in the Galaxy. The Last First, if you will. Perhaps if a score of fully trained Hydrogen Elemental had been around, the last war would have been won. Luther fought it bravely, but he was in far, far over his head. As were the rest of them, I'm afraid.

Hydrogen Guy
What happened?

N
It started with the Mages. The last great hurdle to them was other Universes. They began to experiment with ways of breaking on through to the other side. Somehow, they caught the attention of a pair of vultures -- Hans-Raoul and his ally, a being by the name of Karten.
Why they came, we don't know. Perhaps they felt the Mages would be a threat if allowed to travel between universes. They came, though. They assumed the identities of barbarian lordlings, and united the Republic's enemies against them. We suspect that they augmented their forces from other universes. A long bloody war ensued. Years of war broke the Republic apart - Hans-Raoul and Karten were superb generals. If any military had survived that war, I'm sure the battles would still be studied in their textbooks.
Eventually they reached the Republic homeworld itself. They wiped it clean. The Elementals were destroyed - Hans-Raoul killed Luther personally in the invasion.

Hydrogen Guy
That's what he told me when he was about to kill me.

N
He makes it a habit of killing Hydrogen Elementals, apparently. Legend has it that Luther very nearly matched Hans-Raoul in their final battle - but he was distracted when his friend De Vath, a Deuterium Elemental, was killed by Hans-Raoul's soldiers.

Hydrogen Guy
Nice story.

N
The bond between Hydrogen and Deuterium is a strong one, Hydrogen Guy. Not in chemical terms, of course, but I think you know what I mean.

Hydrogen Guy
If I let myself be distracted by this Deuterium Boy business, Hans-Raoul will kill me.

N
I was going more for the "follow Luther's example in regards friendship" moral, but if you take any of this away in that meaty brain of yours, I'm satisfied.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay... I'll give him another chance.

N
Splendid. Now keep quiet, I'm coming to the really good part.
The Republic, while destroyed, was not entirely lost. You see, the humans of the Ancient Republic were aware not only of their mortality as individuals, but as a species. They had extended their thinking beyond the mere survival of their own human species to the creation of new ones.
Throughout the Galaxy, on hundreds of life-bearing planets, the Republic had seeded a singular selection of bacteria and viruses. The purpose of these seeds was to drive and direct evolution on those planets towards producing new humanoid species. A small part of the population of these new humans would possess dormant genes for Elemental powers, which could be made active once the new race had made it into space and entered the Republic's fold. The end of the Republic had of course thrown a warp spanner into the drive, but there was hope that a new Republic might one day emerge.

Hydrogen Guy
So.. Earth was one of the seeded planets?

N
Yes. There are hundreds more, as I said - perhaps thousands. None of them are out traveling, yet - it's a slow class this year, I'm afraid. And only one has had Elementals reappear. I speak of this little mudball.

Hydrogen Guy
So -- Dave and I carried these genes that the ancient Republic had included in the seeds - or something - and when we activated them in the accident --

N
You became the first Elementals to be kicking around in a long time. You, HG, are the First restored. Luther's slightly delayed successor. Or at least you were, until Hans-Raoul showed up again and started messing around.

Hydrogen Guy
Was it because of me - us, I mean - that he came back?

N
I think so. With the reappearance of Elementals, he no doubt realized his work wasn't finished yet. Talk about commitment.

Hydrogen Guy
But it's the Mages he's afraid of, not the Elementals, right?

N
No. He's afraid of both. The Mages may have matched his people for power, but the Elementals match them for strength. Remember, Luther almost matched Hans-Raoul in battle. No other mortal could do that.

Hydrogen Guy
I couldn't.

N
I don't think your full powers were ever fully activated. You and David couldn't produce particle beams, for one thing.

Hydrogen Guy
Helium Girl could.

N
Her genes were more fully activated. Technically she was more powerful than you two, but let's face it, what good are Helium Elementals on a planet anyway?

Reaper
[indignant silence]

N
Oh, are you still here? I'm sorry if I insulted your little friend...

Hydrogen Guy
Easy, Reaper... so, the Mages -- they escaped into the Manifold, didn't they? You and Z are Mages.

N
Guilty. I'm impressed, James, you actually managed to deduce your way to the obvious. Yes, the Mages, I'm sad to say, were not courageous beings. They escaped Hans-Raoul by creating the Manifold as a pocket within this one. They still can't travel to other Universes, but they have a certain amount of influence in this one.

Hydrogen Guy
So it's back to the old day, eh? We Elementals as pawns for the Mages to push around as you like?

N
James, I don't like your tone of voice! Remember, the Mages serve the Republic - they still do, in fact. The Elementals also serve the Republic. "The Republic", these days, being replaced by "the human race", "Earth", or "the Galaxy as a whole", depending on the situation. It is imperative that you stop Hans-Raoul, Hydrogen Guy. As you know, he seeks to destroy humanity, and won't stop until it has been scoured from the Galaxy for good. This is not just a battle for Earth, but ultimately for hundreds of planets you haven't even met yet. No pressure, by the way.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, where's my damn Ruler?

N
Downstairs.

Hydrogen Guy
What?

N
You enemies have fashioned themselves a cozy little nook directly beneath us. They drilled their way up here and helped themselves.

Hydrogen Guy assumed a determined expression.

Hydrogen Guy
Bastards! They'll pay for this mess... I have to think, there's got to be a way -- oh yeah! Oh yeah! Ha ha, I've got it! I have to get to the League, and find Chuck War -- oh, this'll be sweet. They think I'm powerless, huh? They're in for a surprise.

N
Excellent! James, my little story seems to have filled you with a fresh desire to kick some ass.

Hydrogen Guy
Learning your destiny does that. N - you're right about Deuterium Boy. Sure this is something we need to settle, but he's been a good enough friend and sidekick that I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, for now.

N
You sound like an episode of Degrassi High.

Hydrogen Guy
Remember that discussion we had about knowing when to quit?

N
Mea culpa. Well, Hydrogen Guy - having spread a little of my vast wisdom, I'll make my exit. Eh -- no mention of this to Z, if you should see him. I'd probably get in a notation on my permanent record for this. If you need me, just put your lips together and blow. Toodles!

With a flourish of his well-manicured hand, he vanishes in a flash.

Hydrogen Guy
Hmf. Thanks... Noffras.

He turns to Reaper.

Hydrogen Guy
Entertaining, no?

Reaper
[tactful silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, I hate exposition too. Come on, Reaper, let's get to the League. Maybe we'll find DB and Helium Girl there too. It's time to do some hero shit.

Reaper
[enthused silence]

Holy Talking Heads, Hydrogen Guy! Has N's Tale of the Ancient Past given Hydrogen Guy the spirit he needs to fight the Evil Four? Can the Diatomic Duo reconcile? Can they still win the day without there powers? Find out in part VII of...

Armageddon with a Side of Fries!
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!