Episode 37

Armageddon With A Side Of Fries - Part VII

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Last Episode: In the ruined Hydrogen Cave, N revealed the True Meaning of Christmas to Hydrogen Guy and Reaper. Or rather the origins and history of the Diatomic Duo's now-vanished Elemental powers. Thoroughly bucked up, HG and the Minion of Death head for the League of Heroes, whence Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl have gone. Meanwhile, Dumnoric convinces the Crustacean and Battle Armor Bob to take the Ruler of Elendil and the philosopher's wort from Jean-Marc Trudeau - but Trudeau gains the upper hand.

Trudeau
Now, gentlemen -- do we have an understanding?

Our villains are apparently at a standoff. Battle Armor Bob glares opprobriously at the ICBC ninja before him, holding the flux capacitor (guaranteed by its Tonarzi manufacturer for two years continuous power, or your money back) recently liberated from Battle Armor Bob's suit of power armor. The Crustacean is perched on his shoulder, wearing his usual inscrutable lobster expression. Griff Pedros Pedros Dumnoric stands next to them, regarding the dozen or so ninjas surrounding them with restrained fury, and holding the Ruler of Elendil.

Crustacean
I understand that you think you've won, human. Think again.

The lobster launches himself from Battle Armor Bob's shoulder at the ninja in front of them. The man yelps a very un-ninja-like yelp and falls. Instantly the Crustacean leaps at the next available foe like a kamikaze rabbit. The ninjas fly into action, and so does Dumnoric. Raw magical energy crackles as he swings the Ruler, clashing against ninja steel.

The room explodes in a frenzy of combat. The Crustacean leaps from combatant to combatant, too small a target for even the ninjas, and delivering unnaturally powerful blows from his tail and claws. The Shroud slashes and parries, his swordplay enhanced by the Ruler of Elendil. Only their numbers and high pain thresholds keep the ninjas in the fray.

Suddenly the rapid fire of a chain gun stops the battle in its tracks. Everyone turns to look at Battle Armor Bob. By manually releasing his suit's servo's, he has released himself from his suit. He stands in a pair of Gucci boxer shorts and DKNY undershirt, aiming the chain gun on his suit's arm at the ceiling, his hand on the trigger.

Battle Armor Bob
Oh, for Dorothy's sake, you people! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Look, Bruno, I wanna get my mitts on eternal youth and fashionability too, but what good is it going to do us if we cut each other to ribbons while Hydrogen Guy and his buddies are still alive?

Trudeau
M. Ballistier, you have always been a most reasonable man.

Battle Armor Bob
Oh, and you! This never would have happened if you'd come clean to us about the philosopher's wort in the first place. Give it to me, I'll keep it safe from all of you until we can settle this later.

Trudeau
Well. As the one whom everyone seems to mistrust the least, I don't see a better alternative.

Crustacean
Agreed. The death of Hydrogen Guy must take priority. Dumnoric, we will concede for the moment.

Dumnoric looks at the ninjas surrounding him, then nods.

Dumnoric
All right. Trudeau, give him the spice.

Trudeau shrugs, reaches inside his jacket pocket and pulls out the small bag of philosopher's wort. He hands it to Battle Armor Bob.

Trudeau
You will understand, gentlemen, if I assign two guards to accompany M. Ballistier at all times.

Two ninjas rush to flank Battle Armor Bob.

Battle Armor Bob
If you must, you must. Maybe they'll learn something about style. Trudeau, those little pyjamas you dress them in are so 1987 - we'll talk about it later. I'll take this, thank you very much.

He takes the flux capacitor device from the unconscious ninja on the floor in front of him.

Trudeau
Thank goodness that's settled -- Mr. Crustacean, will you kindly release those two gentlemen? Thank you. Mr. Dumnoric, I don't know how you came to have the Ruler, but we don't have time to tarry any longer. We must finish Hydrogen Guy immediately. I believe he will come to us. Let us prepare for him. And I don't mean make little finger sandwiches.

A taxi cab pulls up in front of an average looking house on West 11th, Vancouver. The two passengers look uncertainly at the house, and then at each other.

Lonnie
Well.

Desdemona
Well.

Lonnie
I guess this is it.

Desdemona
I guess so.

Cab Driver
This is the address you gave me.

Desdemona
Yeah, I know.

She and Lonnie "Carrot" Peel look at the house again.

Lonnie
It doesn't look - well, you know.

Desdemona
That's kind of the point.

Lonnie
They're not, er... going to, you know, shoot you or anything, are they?

Desdemona
Don't be ridiculous. They haven't done that since the Reagan years. Look... you'd better stay in the cab. Nobody's supposed to know where this place is.

Lonnie
Right, right. Well.

Desdemona
Okay then.

Lonnie
Good luck.

Desdemona
You too, Carrot. Stay away from crime from now on, okay?

Lonnie
Huh. No worries about that.

She looks at him for a moment, then looks away.

Lonnie
Er... I don't suppose I'll see you around.

Desdemona
No. I'll be in Victoria soon. I'll have a different name.

Lonnie
I hope they at least give you a decent one.

Desdemona
Yeah.

Lonnie
Not like, I don't know, Hildegard, or Eunice, or something.

Cab Driver
My wife's mother's named Eunice.

Lonnie
My condolences... Um... you don't get to choose it yourself, do you?

Desdemona
No.

Lonnie
That's a shame...

Desdemona
Yeah.

Lonnie
I don't suppose they'd allow that.

Desdemona
I'm kind of attached to the one I have.

Lonnie
I guess. It's your real one?

Desdemona
My middle name.

Lonnie
Oh...

He fidgets with his seat belt.

Lonnie
Can I --

Desdemona
Jennifer. But if you ever call me that, I'll clip you, got it?

Lonnie
Why?

Desdemona
Because there were ten Jennifers in my class in high school and they were all snots. I've always gone by Desdemona. It's my grandmother's name.

Lonnie
That's nice... How about your last name?

Desdemona
Don't push it, Carrot.

Lonnie
Sorry... [pause] My middle name's Henry.

Desdemona
Your parents really did hate you, didn't they?

Lonnie
Hey!

She suppresses a giggle, which draws a smirk and a chuckle from Lonnie.

Cab Driver
Meter's running, kids.

Desdemona
Okay, okay... here's twenty for my share, Carrot.

She pulls a crumpled bill from her pocket and passes it to him. He takes it from her. There hands linger for several seconds more than is strictly necessary.

Lonnie
Well... thanks again. For your protection.

Desdemona
I didn't do anything. Thank you. You're a great henchman. In an incompetent kind of way.

Lonnie
Thanks.

Desdemona
Well -- good-bye.

She opens the door and gets out.

Lonnie
Bye. Take care.

She nods and shuts the door. He watches her go through the house's front gate, and go up the walk to the front door. She knocks, and a few seconds later the door opens a crack. Whoever it is apparently identifies her, because the door opens fully, and she walks inside. She glances back at the cab only briefly as the door closes behind her.

Cab Driver
Y'shoulda kissed her good-bye.

Lonnie
I guess. Yeah, I guess.

Cab Driver
Where to?

Lonnie
I don't know. Anywhere, I suppose.

The kitchen of the League of Heroes, local 441. Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl are nursing restorative hot chocolates while the Codger holds court. Chuck War is also present.

The Codger is a phenomenon among Canadian superheroes. He was a pioneer in the field on Canada's west coast, fighting crime and corruption in the 1930's and 40's as the Blue Prowler, in the days when costumed crime-fighters were on the run from both police and criminals alike. After the war, he hung up his mask and cape and settled into sedate family life. However, the crime wave of the late '70's and the founding of the League of Heroes prompted him to make a comeback. Even though his days of leaping from rooftop to rooftop are behind him, he continues to provide the youngsters in the League with curmudgeonly advice, the wisdom of experience, and an uncanny knowledge of the city's blue plate specials.

He scrunches up his bushy white eyebrows at Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl and harrumphs sagely.

Codger
All right, let me see if I have this straight - you've lost your powers, the Cave's demolished, the Crustacean's alive and has stolen the Ruler of Elendil, and Hydrogen Guy's mad at you because you've been spying on him for CSIS.

Deuterium Boy
That's about it.

Codger
Well, I guess you're pretty much screwed. Damn, you kids can't do anything right, can you?

Deuterium Boy
I had no idea anything was even going on until we found the Cave!

Codger
No use crying over spilt milk. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Chuck War
The most important thing has to be finding the Ruler. It's a dangerous weapon, and in Dumnoric and the Crustacean's hands, it means a whole lot of damage potential.

Deuterium Boy
Tell me about it.

Chuck War
Does the Ruler have a power signature, or something we could pick up from the GC satellite or the War Rig?

Deuterium Boy
No... I don't think it's presence registers on any sensors. Doug or Reaper might be able to sense it... or even HG, he's kind of become attuned to it over the years.

Helium Girl
It's, like, not that bad, is it? Like, not end of the world bad, right? It's just a magic ruler thingy.

Chuck War
You've never seen it in action.

Deuterium Boy
If it was just a really sharp stick, we wouldn't have a problem. But the Ruler was an incredible focus and amplifier for HG's powers. Dumnoric could use it to increase his magic powers. That's something I wouldn't want to deal with even if I had my deuterium powers.

Helium Girl
Bummer. This totally sucks.

Codger
You said a mouthful, missy.

Chuck War
Don't worry, DB. We'll track those devils somehow, and walk in there guns blazing and steel flashing. Powers or not, we'll give them a fight they'll never forget.

Codger
That's the spirit, War. Never say die till you're dead, that's what I always say.

Helium Girl
Codger, what are we gonna do about Hydrogen Guy? He was, just, like, totally gonzo. It was a major, major scene, like even worse than when my cousin Cassie couldn't return a top at Abercombie & Fitch because she'd lost the receipt and it was so totally the wrong colour.

Deuterium Boy
You always know how to capture the essence of a situation.

Helium Girl
I'm, like, gifted that way.

Codger
Hm. Well, this is a serious problem... tell me the truth, David - are you still spying for CSIS or not?

Deuterium Boy
No. They accepted my resignation years ago, after the accident. They admitted that they couldn't risk using an agent with congenital health problems.

Chuck War
Super-powers are a congenital health problem?

Codger
They can be... So was it just Hydrogen Guy, or were you spying on anyone else around here?

Helium Girl
Leave him alone, Codger.

Chuck War
It's a valid question.

Deuterium Boy
No, just him. And just between us, Jim is about the least interesting person to have to file a report on. All he ever does is work and goof off in coffee shops. Not even subversive coffee shops... But I give all of you my word of honour that not one word about Hydrogen Guy or anyone else in the League ever went to them from me. I was out by the time I put on the butt-length cape.

Codger
I'll accept that.

Chuck War
So do I.

Helium Girl
I believe in you, Dave.

Deuterium Boy
Thanks.

Codger
Jimmy will accept it too, when he cools off. He's a fat-head, just like his father. Let me tell you something, Deuterium Boy. I've seen a lot of super-hero teams, with or without actual powers. Been part of some of them, too. It can be a lot like being married. Sometimes you screw up and you end up sleeping on the couch, metaphorically speaking. Sometimes you come home and find all your stuff in a pile on the front lawn.

Deuterium Boy
I think I'm at the front lawn stage right now.

Codger
You two work well together. You're a fool and HG's a fat-head, of course, but nevertheless you make it work, most of the time. My gut tells me you two will work this out.

Helium Girl
Maybe you should, like, buy him some roses or something.

Deuterium Boy
We haven't got time to wait for this to blow over, though. The Fate of the World could depend on us working this out quickly.

Hydrogen Guy
I agree completely.

They turn in surprise to see Hydrogen Guy and Reaper standing by the kitchen door.

Deuterium Boy
HG!

Hydrogen Guy
I just had a very educational chat with our favourite omnipotent jerk, N. The Ruler and the villains are hiding in a secret lair underneath the Hydrogen Cave.

Helium Girl
Those sneaky rats!

Hydrogen Guy
Hans-Raoul's been playing us like a game of Arkanoid, and think it's time we showed his minions that we pack a punch even without the power capsules.

Reaper
[pained silence]

Hydrogen Guy
What do you want, poetry? I'm making it up as I go here.

Deuterium Boy
HG -- I'm sorry I didn't tell you about CSIS. And I'm sorry for spying on you.

Hydrogen Guy
You give me your word that you didn't file that report Desdemona saw?

Deuterium Boy
My word of honour - twice over.

Hydrogen Guy
You owe me a case of beer.

Deuterium Boy
Two cases.

Hydrogen Guy
And you buy the gourmet hot beverages for the next month.

Deuterium Boy
I'll even spring for the extra flavour shots.

Hydrogen Guy
In that case, DB -- let's make this a two - no, a three player game.

Deuterium Boy
I've got the quarters, HG.

Helium Girl
Gawd, you two are so male. Can you, like, wait to play video games until AFTER we beat the bad guys?

Hydrogen Guy
As you wish, madame.

Codger
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Chuck War
That's the spicy chicken you had for lunch.

Hydrogen Guy claps his hands together.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, enough yacking - we've got some planning to do. Chuck, I'm going to need -

Suddenly, the kitchen door opens again. The assembled heroes look up, and collectively, their jaws drop.

Standing in the doorway is one of the strangest beings any of them have ever seen. Head to toe, the being is a deep metallic red, his skin polished to nearly a mirror finish. The being looks androgynous, no clue to its sex can be seen whatsoever. S/he appears to be wearing no clothing except for, strangely, a black wool hat, much like a toque, covering the top of his/her head, and a utility belt from which hang a pair of automatic pistols. Yellow and black stripes give the impression of gloves, boots, and a mask covering his/her face. His/her eyes are pupil-less, glowing yellow orbs.

The red being stands silently, regarding the others. Chuck War slowly gets to his feet, his hand on his Argon Blast Cannon. The Codger, as always, puts the essential question into words.

Codger
Who the hell are you?

Red
A friend. I'm here to help you in your raid on Abaddon.

The being's voice is smooth and deep, apparently masculine. Hydrogen Guy exchanges glances with his comrades.

Hydrogen Guy
How did you know what we were planning?

Red
With four of the world's most diabolical rogues squatting directly beneath it, planning your demise? I know what I would do.

Deuterium Boy
How do we know you can trust you?

Red
You can't. But then you can never really be sure who to trust, can you, Deuterium Boy?

Deuterium Boy looks chagrined.

Chuck War
You seem to have a lot of glib answers, buddy.

Red
I'm also invulnerable to magic, impervious to heat, cold, and radiation, indestructible to anything less than a heavy plasma cannon fired at point blank range, I can fly, and I can shoot bolts of electricity from my fingertips. And, as I said before, I'm willing to help you, free of charge.

Codger
Where the hell'd you come from? I'd know if I'd ever met something like you before.

Red
I'm new in town. I have no status with any branch of the League of Heroes whatsoever - or, for that matter, ICBC. So -- do you accept my help, or do I walk back out that door never to return?

Hydrogen Guy looks at his friends. Helium Girl looks bewildered, Deuterium Boy thoughtful. Chuck War appears uneasy, the Codger looks offended, and Reaper appears to be looking at the being with a look of unexpected respect. Hydrogen Guy decides to take his cue from Reaper, who, he has learned in the past, seems to see into things more deeply than others.

Hydrogen Guy
You're in luck. Today I'm in the mood to trust people... What do we call you?

Red
I've been called a lot of things, but I rather fancy the name Deus Ex Machinas.

Deuterium Boy
I like the sounds of that.

Hydrogen Guy smirks.

Hydrogen Guy
So do I, DB. Well, gather round, Deus, I was just about to explain to everyone my cunning plan...

Red
Make it quick, Hydrogen Guy. Something tells me you don't have a lot of time before it's ...

All
Too Late!!

Hydrogen Guy
I feel like the magic is back.

Codger
Shut up and get to work already.

Heroes and Villains hurtle headlong towards a terrible final battle! Who is this mysterious being calling itself Deus Ex Machinas? How does Hydrogen Guy hope to defeat his foes with no super powers? Was Helium Girl's cousin able to return that top at Abercrombie & Fitch without the receipt? Find out in the REAL Thrilling Conclusion (no, I mean it this time, honest!) to...

Armageddon with a Side of Fries!
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!