Episode 39
Rampage of the Slime Lord
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Saturday morning, 10:15. A coffee shop not far from the University of Toronto.
Java Serf
One hot chocolate.. and for you,
sir?
David Marcolin
Large heavy water mocha
latté.
The java serf pauses, finger hovering over the register.
Java Serf
Uh... what kind of mocha
latté?
Marcolin
Large. With heavy water, please.
Java Serf
Uh...
Marcolin
What? Out of large mugs? I'll take a paper
cup...
Java Serf
I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any... heavy
water.
David Marcolin, nuclear chemist, long-time collaborator of world-renowned theoretical physicist Jim Evans, and in his secret identity of Deuterium Boy, partner to Hydrogen Guy, stares in profound shock. Jim Evans, waiting nearby for his hot chocolate, raises an eyebrow.
Java Serf
Sir? Do you still want the
latté?
Marcolin
Yeah, sure. But make it a medium.
Jim Evans
Oh, you don't mind the skeleton, do
you?
He holds up Doug, a rubber skeleton about two feet long.
Java Serf
[looking even more puzzled] Sure, why would
I? [to Marcolin] Here's your latté.
Marcolin
Thanks.
They pay, collect their beverages, and move to a table by the window. Other customers are giving them, and Doug, puzzled looks.
Marcolin
No heavy water? What kind of coffee place is
this?
Evans
We're strangers in a strange land, DB.
Marcolin
I'd rather be the cat who could walk through
walls..
Evans
Who wouldn't... I'm just glad we're in our
civvies. We're getting enough looks from people just because of Doug.
Marcolin
What's the matter, superheroes in this city
never go for coffee?
He sips his latté, and makes a mild face.
Marcolin
Just not the same. No flavour.
Evans
We'll swing by the League of Heroes building
after the conference wraps up for the day. Maybe the Navy Blue Sparrow will be
in... He can fill us in on the cultural differences or something.
Doug
*gurgle*
Marcolin
He's obviously feeling cocky that he can't get
us kicked out today.
Evans
Hmph. Anyways, I'm definitely looking forward to
Huang's talk this afternoon on exotic baryon traps in micas. It should be
--
Suddenly there is a thunderous BOOM outside, rattling windows and coffee mugs. The other customers in the coffee shop appear not to notice.
Evans
Despite their reactions I'm guessing that wasn't
just the weekly garbage pickup.
Marcolin
Onwards, HG?
Evans
Onwards!
They quaff the remains of their drinks and head out. Evans pauses at the door on they way out.
Evans
[to Java Serf] Oh, by the way -- try to go a bit
easier on the manganese. It distracts from the chocolate hydrocarbons.
Java Serf
Huh?
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the city...
Bank Guard
Captain Toronto! Look out!
Captain Toronto
That will teach him not to play with
knives. Sorry about the window.. You there! Guard! Get these men tied up,
quickly!
Bank Guard
Yes sir!
CAPTAIN TORONTO! The world-class Indigo Defender of Canada's Mega-City! Celebrated in story, song, film, comics, and even a LiveEnt musical! The Legend Himself is a tall, hard-muscled and masculine figure in head-to-toe blue and white tights adorned with stylized maple leaves. For thirty years this Masked Marvel has kept the City safe, ever since a Secret Government Project gave him powers beyond those of mortal men in the interests of National Security. We find him now at the event horizon of one of the greatest battles of his illustrious career... a battle whose final moves are about to be played! His wrist communicator chirps: an incoming message from the League of Heroes...
Captain Toronto
Go ahead.
Voice
Captain Toronto, the Mutant Maker has struck! I'm
transferring the coordinates to your wrist computer - it's one of the suspected
sites.
Captain Toronto
Acknowledged, Doctor. I'm finished here
- I'll be there in a cerulean flash. Toronto out. [to the Guard] The Police are
on their way?
Bank Guard
Yes sir! I hit the silent alarm during the
fight!
Captain Toronto
Good man! With men like you on the job,
criminals won't think to target this bank again. Now, wish me luck - the Future
of the Earth could depend on my next task!
Bank Guard
Holy - ! Good luck, Captain
Toronto!
And with the promised flash - he is gone!
Moments after leaving the coffee shop, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy emerge from a nearby alley. They spot a column of smoke several blocks away.
Deuterium Boy
Hmm - could be just a routine
fire.
A flash lights up the sky, uncanny bolts of blue-green energy arc through the smoke!
Hydrogen Guy
You were saying, DB? Set your De Broglie
board's phase fibrillator to 100 nanometers - we're not going far.
They each climb aboard their De Broglie boards, high-tech colour-coordinated devices which allow them to surf matter waves across space.
Deuterium Boy
100 nanometers - engaged!
With an impressive special effect, they vanish! Femtoseconds later, they reappear with a similar light show at the scene of the catastrophe.
Fireman
What? Hydrogen Guy! Deuterium Boy!
Hydrogen Guy
We were in the neighbourhood. Nice little
disaster site you've got here.
They peer at the small office building across the street, partially obscured by smoke. Intermittently there are small explosions and flashes of the same blue-green energy they saw before.
Hydrogen Guy
What's going on here?
Fireman
That... thing is leveling the building! My crew
can't get close enough to try and control the fire.
Hydrogen Guy
Thing?
Deuterium Boy
Is there anyone in there?
Fireman
I don't think so; I'm told only the two bottom
floors were occupied, the top were empty. 'Cause it's the weekend, only a few
employees were in, and they're all accounted for.
Hydrogen Guy
Then it's just us and the thing.
He draws the Ruler of Elendil.
Hydrogen Guy
Let's go, DB.
They stride forward into the smoke. The Ruler is glowing a silvery blue, indicating the presence of danger nearby.
Deuterium Boy
Greatspawn of Cthulhu, Hydrogen
Guy!
Hydrogen Guy
I see it, Deuterium Boy.
Ahead of them, at the centre of the maelstrom, is a bizarre man-sized creature. It is only roughly humanoid, bipedal with two upper limbs. Its body is a greasy grey cylinder, with two tapered extensions for legs. Its arms are as long as the legs, and instead of hands, they end in eel-like tails. A fin down its back ends in another larger tail dragging behind it. It has no neck, and its head bears only a gaping, toothless mouth and two yellow slits for eyes.
The creature is firing the blue-green arcs of energy at the building from its fin-arms, blasting away masonry, melting glass and generally making a mess of the place.
Hydrogen Guy
It hasn't noticed us.
Deuterium Boy
Do we want it to?
Hydrogen Guy
Well, on a visceral level, no, but it
would make it easier to engage.
Deuterium Boy pulls out a Deuterium-O-RangTM from his Useful Things Belt and hurls it at the Eel-A-Noid. The bladed projectile embeds itself in the creature's back. It screams and turns towards them. A finned appendage wraps around the Deuterium-O-Rang and pulls it free.
Hydrogen Guy
Well, we're noticed. It seems to have a
high pain threshold.
Deuterium Boy
I'm starting to hope that we do,
too.
Eel-A-Noid
GRAAAAHHH! WHO ARE YOU?!!
Deuterium Boy
We're the guys with the salt-shaker,
slimo.
Hydrogen Guy
That's slug mutants, DB, he's an eel
mutant.
Eel-A-Noid
YOU ARE NOT THE ONE I WAS EXPECTING! BUT YOU
WILL DIE JUST AS QUICKLY! GRAAAHH!!
It fires an electrical discharge at the Diatomic Duo. Hydrogen Guy is holding the Ruler of Elendil ready. The Ruler draws the energy bolt towards itself and reflects it away. Deuterium Boy leaps out of the redirected arc's path, and the Eel-A-Noid fires another bolt in his direction. Hydrogen Guy coalesces a cloud of H2 in the path of the oncoming bolt, and the resulting explosion drives the creature back.
Deuterium Boy
Hey! Watch it! You almost caught my hair
on fire!
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, DB.
The creature leaps at him. Hydrogen Guy dodges with incredible speed, at the same time swinging the Ruler in the creature's path. Its arms strike a street lamp instead of Hydrogen Guy.
Eel-A-Noid
GRAAAH!! MISSED ME!
Hydrogen Guy
Ditto.
Suddenly, a blue streak piles into the creature from the right, knocking it to the ground.
Hydrogen Guy
What the dickens was that?
Fireman
Look! It's Captain Toronto!
Hydrogen Guy
Captain Toronto. Oh goodie.
Captain Toronto and the Eel-A-Noid are grappling amongst the rubble of the building's bottom floor. The mutant appears to be evenly matched against Captain Toronto's ultra-strength. Suddenly the creature emits a cry of triumph, and pulls something from the rubble with a free arm. It hurls Captain Toronto aside.
*SLAM!*
Captain Toronto
Oof!!!
Hydrogen Guy
You okay?
Captain Toronto
Hydrogen Guy! Good to have you on
board. Quickly, we have to stop the Eel-A-Noid before it can escape. It has the
fragment!
Deuterium Boy
Fragment? What --
Captain Toronto
No time!
He launches himself at the creature just as it aims another energy discharge. As he plows into the creature, the blast goes wild, dislodging a chunk of wall from an upper story. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dodge out from underneath in the nick of time.
This time, it is Captain Toronto who gains the upper hand and gives the Eel-A-Noid a toss. It rights itself in flight and springs off the side of the building, arm raised to fire again. Hydrogen Guy leaps into its path and swings the Ruler of Elendil. The arm flies off in a spurt of slime and ooze.
Eel-A-Noid
GRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Hydrogen Guy
Well, stop DOING THAT!!
Deuterium Boy
That is so disgusting...
Captain Toronto
Stop the Eel-A-Noid!
They turn to see the tip of its tail disappearing through an impossibly thin sewer grate.
Hydrogen Guy
Too late.
Captain Toronto
Move back and let the fire-fighters in.
We'll discuss this elsewhere.
A nearby rooftop, a short time later...
Captain Toronto
You two shouldn't have interfered. This
isn't your jurisdiction.
Hydrogen Guy
"Interfered"? Whatever happened to "good
to have you on board"?
Captain Toronto
I appreciate your keeping the mutant
busy until I arrived. However, I had the situation under control. Because of
your rash dismemberment, we lost the artifact the mutant was sent to
retrieve.
Hydrogen Guy
You're welcome. Next time I'll let it
blast you with a high-frequency electrical discharge.
Deuterium Boy
What is this object you keep
mentioning?
Captain Toronto
Like I said, this isn't your
jurisdiction. You two should return to Maple Ridge and leave this to
me.
Deuterium Boy
If this is a major plot building here, we
could help --
Captain Toronto
I don't need amateurs getting in my
way.
Hydrogen Guy
AMATEURS?! Excuse me?
Captain Toronto
Well, clearly you two were in over your
heads when I arrived. What I saw of your strategy was pretty
ineffective.
Hydrogen Guy
We were doing just fine! We would have
beaten the creature... eventually...
Captain Toronto
Mm-hm. Like with that fireball trick
you pulled? You're lucky that didn't demolish the rest of the
building.
Deuterium Boy
And my hair.
Hydrogen Guy
[glares] Who's side are you on,
exactly?
Captain Toronto
Boys, take my advice - leave this
matter for me. I do appreciate what you tried to do. I don't know, maybe the
creature died from its wounds before it got back to base. But I've been on this
case for several years now, and you two would just get in my way. Stay well, my
friends.
Before Hydrogen Guy can protest further, Captain Toronto turns and takes to the air. And with a cerulean flash, he's gone!
Hydrogen Guy
What an arrogant son of a -- and thanks
for your help, by the way!
Deuterium Boy
Hey, don't start in on me! You have to
admit he had a point -- we were lacking strategy with the Eel-A-Noid.
Hydrogen Guy glowers for a minute, then sighs.
Hydrogen Guy
I guess. But you have to admit that that
guy's an ass.
Deuterium Boy
Oh, well, yeah.
He glances at his watch.
Deuterium Boy
We've already missed half of the
pre-lunch talk. We'd better get back to the conference. Look, you wanted to go
to the League of Heroes tonight, anyway. Now we have a reason.
Hydrogen Guy
Right. Find out what Cappie's trying to
keep us out of. [pause] And I'm sorry about your hair.
Deuterium Boy
Don't worry about it. It's just maybe a
little singed. I've got a conditioner for that.
Saturday afternoon, 4:55 PM. Downtown Toronto, at the Canadian National Headquarters of the League of Heroes (local 105, Toronto). It is an imposing monument, heavy on the Greek columns, arches, and friezes. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy climb the towering steps to the front entrance.
Hydrogen Guy
Wow, would you look at this place? And
here the Vancouver local is renting space next to a "Save-On-Foods".
Deuterium Boy
Hey, HG, from up here we can see where
the Big Bang took place!
Hydrogen Guy
Good idea, DB. Get the "Centre of the
Universe" jokes out now so the Torontonians don't lynch us when we get
inside.
They regard the front entrance - a 20 foot high pair of Teflon-coated titanium doors with a marble veneer.
Deuterium Boy
Assuming we can get inside. What do we
do, knock?
Hydrogen Guy
Why not? Worked for R2D2 and C3PO in
"Return of the Jedi".
Deuterium Boy
You don't think of Captain Toronto as
Jabba the Hutt, do you?
Hydrogen Guy
Ask me that again in an hour.
He knocks three times on the door. A pause. Then, halfway up the length of the door, a panel slides back and a pare of eyes stare out at them.
Door Thing
Who goes there?
Hydrogen Guy
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, local
441.
They display their League ID's. The eyes turn away from the peek hatch and hold a chattering exchange with something inside.
Deuterium Boy
Jawas?
Hydrogen Guy
Munchkins?
Deuterium Boy
Either way, they're really, really
tall.
The eyes reappear.
Door Thing
What do you want?
Hydrogen Guy
To come inside? We are League
members in good standing...
He waves his ID again. There is a grunt from the other side of the door, and the peek hatch slides shut. With a grinding of gears, the doors swing open.
Hydrogen Guy
Finally, a horse of different
colour...
They walk inside to a huge, brightly lit marble foyer. There is no sign of whomever they talked to through the door. At the far end of the foyer is a comissionaire's desk. They walk up to the desk, and the comissionaire looks up from his newspaper.
Hydrogen Guy
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, local
441.
Comissionaire #1
Mm-hm. Sign in, please.. Put your ID
numbers there.. time in is 1656.. who are you visiting?
Hydrogen Guy
Is the Navy Blue Sparrow in?
Deuterium Boy
Or Captain Toronto.
Comissionaire #1
If they are they'll be in the computer
room with Dr. Prodigio. Are you two here about the Prolixus case?
Hydrogen Guy
Right.
Comissionaire #1
Then that's where you'll want to be.
Nigel will show you the way.
They finish signing in, and then a second comissionaire leads them down a hall to the left.
Deuterium Boy
[whispering] You have no idea what the
Prolixus case is, do you?
Hydrogen Guy
[whsp.] No, but I bet it is why
we're here. Remember Jabba - I mean, Captain Toronto, said he'd been on "this
case" for several years. It seems the attack this morning has brought something
big to a head, and we've stumbled into it just in time. Can you believe it,
these guys have comissionaires! All we've got in Vancouver is Lou the Janitor
and our union rep!
Comissionaire #2
Right in here, sirs.
Hydrogen Guy
Thank you Nigel. [removes his cape, hands
it to him] Can you have this pressed for me? I'll be needing it in about an
hour.
Comissionaire #2
Of course, sir. [exits]
Deuterium Boy
Show off.
Hydrogen Guy
When in Rome, baby...
The computer room looks much like any superhero's (or supervillain's) control centre - banks of flashing lights, futuristic terminals, unidentifiable machinery, and of course, a viewing screen occupying one wall. Working on one of the machines is a man with wild grey hair, wearing a silver lab coat. He looks up as the Covalent Crusaders wander in.
Dr. Prodigio
Ah, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium
Boy.
Hydrogen Guy
Dr. Prodigio, I presume.
The Doctor steps forward and shakes hands with each of them.
Dr. Prodigio
Welcome to the Mega-City. I'm not
surprised you're here. I received Captain Toronto's report, and you're no doubt
curious about this morning's attack.
Hydrogen Guy
Yes. And where is the good Captain? The
comissionaire seemed to think that you were having some kind of conference in
here.
Dr. Prodigio
If the others were here, no doubt I would
be. Captain Toronto's involved on the other side of the City, for the moment - I
gather there is some kind of android run amok.
Captain Toronto
Was run amok, Doctor.
They turn to see Captain Toronto climbing in through an open window - apparently especially designed for the entrance and exit of flying heroes.
Captain Toronto
No need to bother them with our
problems, Doctor, I've told the Diatomic Duo their help wasn't needed.
Dr. Prodigio
Nonsense, Captain Toronto! These are two
of this country's finest heroes, their assistance will be invaluable! Especially
given the artifact's probable origin!
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are surprised by the Doctor's sudden flash of annoyance, and even more so by Captain Toronto's chastened expression.
Dr. Prodigio
I'm sorry, gentlemen... I understand you
are fond of gourmet hot beverages. Can I offer you a hot chocolate and a heavy
water mocha latté while we discuss our problem?
A short time later, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are comfortably ensconced in a pair of comfy chairs, sipping their gourmet hot beverages. The Doctor is nearby, seated at a computer console with a cup of herbal tea. Captain Toronto stands nearby, glowering.
Hydrogen Guy
All right then, Doctor; it's exposition
time.
Dr. Prodigio
Let me start at the beginning, gentlemen -
on a night fifteen years ago, when a meteorite of unknown origin exploded over
Toronto. The meteorite was first detected by our orbiting early warning
satellite -
Hydrogen Guy
Now the Hydrogen Spy Satellite. We bought
it at cost from the Toronto League back in '91 when you upgraded.
Dr. Prodigio
Fascinating. As I was saying... Captain
Toronto was the first to attempt to intercept the meteorite. He managed to
obtain some low-quality digital images of both it and it's fourteen
fragments.
Deuterium Boy
And what were the results of your
analysis?
Dr. Prodigio
The meteorite was none other than the
Crystal of Prolixus, a powerful alien artifact mentioned in the data banks of a
crashed alien spacecraft that the Captain and I recovered from Lake Ontario in
1979.
Hydrogen Guy
The plot thickens! What exactly is this
Crystal of Prolixus?
Dr. Prodigio
It is a seven-fold symmetric quasicrystal
of Incredulinium acetate -
Deuterium Boy
"Incredulinium"?
Dr. Prodigio
A hyper-trans-uranium element I first
synthesized for the Government of Canada in 1968 - one of only two stable
elements with atomic numbers greater than three hundred. In fact, it is
Incredulinium in its elemental form which gives Captain Toronto his
powers.
Hydrogen Guy
Aha! And the other element?
Dr. Prodigio
Diabolinium - the two are formed together,
and will cause each other to undergo dramatic fission if not separated
immediately. In fact, exposure to Diabolinium -
Captain Toronto
Doctor, you are digressing from the
matter at hand.
Dr. Prodigio
Of course, Captain. Forgive me gentlemen,
I do like to talk about my early work. Ah - yes, the Crystal. I believe that
such crystals were used by the Ancient Republic which once ruled this sector of
space as focusing elements in their spaceship's Star Drives. Hence your
potential interest, Hydrogen Guy.
Hydrogen Guy raises an eyebrow. The connections between the Diatomic Duo's powers and the Ancient Republic - a galaxy spanning empire which died millions of years ago - was a very recent revelation. He wondered how Prodigio had come by the information, and wondered what else the strange little man knew about the Ancient Republic.
Hydrogen Guy
Yes - Elementals such as Deuterium Boy and
I made up a warrior caste in the Ancient Republic.
Captain Toronto
So you understand the potential power
of the Crystal, Hydrogen Guy.
Hydrogen Guy
Yes, of course - it mustn't be allowed to
fall into the wrong hands.
Dr. Prodigio
Exactly. We immediately began a search for
the fragments - but the matter has been complicated by a supervillain know as
the Mutant Maker. Not only is he also attempting to reassemble the Crystal, but
he apparently has a method of detecting the fragments that I have been unable to
duplicate.
Deuterium Boy
So it was this Mutant Maker who sent the
Eel-A-Noid to recover one of these fragments this morning?
Dr. Prodigio
Yes. Unfortunately, for the past fifteen
years we've been in the position where we'd have to wait for a mutant strike
before we'd know where the fragments are. As things stand now, the League and
the Mutant Maker have six fragments each. The last two fragments, I have reason
to believe, are located at the same site. There are several candidates for the
site, but unfortunately we have no way of knowing which is the correct
one.
Captain Toronto
Until the Mutant Maker strikes
again!
Dr. Prodigio
Yes.
Hydrogen Guy regards the remains of his hot chocolate. He is about to speak when --
Deuterium Boy
I think we could help you
there.
Hydrogen Guy
Ah, you thought of it too, DB?
Deuterium Boy
I think so, HG. Will you?
Hydrogen Guy
No, no, DB, I insist, you speak.
Captain Toronto
We don't have time for this banter. Out
with it, man!
Hydrogen Guy raises an eyebrow. Deuterium Boy continues.
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy and I could help you find
the last two fragments. The acetate in the Crystal contains hydrogen, and the
influence of the super-massive Incredulinium ions should make their vibrations
stand out enough that we should be able to sense their presence.
Dr. Prodigio
Can you truly do this, Hydrogen
Guy?
Hydrogen Guy
Yes, Doctor, I think we could.
Dr. Prodigio
Excellent! Captain Toronto, the balance of
power has grown too precarious. You can be sure that the Mutant Maker is already
searching for the last two fragments. I suggest the three of you start searching
the sites in sector twelve immediately.
Captain Toronto
Agreed, Doctor.
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy rise.
Hydrogen Guy
The game's afoot, eh? We've got the
Hydrogen Whirlies out in the car, so we'll be able to follow you by air,
Cap--
Captain Toronto
Hydrogen Guy, I want to make sure one
thing is understood. I must be in charge of this operation. Toronto isn't
Vancouver, or Maple Ridge; the two of you don't know the Mega-City, or the
Mutant Maker, the way that I do. I'll have to ask you both to defer to
me.
Hydrogen Guy looks nonplused. Deuterium Boy glances at him.
Hydrogen Guy
Of course, oh Captain my
Captain.
Comissionaire #2
[enters] Excuse me, sir - your cape is
ready.
Hydrogen Guy
Ah, thank you, Nigel. You have perfect
timing. Captain, DB, shall we carry on saving the City?
Saturday evening, 7:45 PM. Captain Toronto alights atop a low office building across from a strip mall on the eastern edge of the City. A few seconds later, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy touch down beside him in the Hydrogen Whirlies. The Whirlies are lightweight exoskeletons, supporting a motor and helicopter blades. A network of body sensors control the flight, and the exoskeletons are equipped with the most advanced vibration and sound dampeners, so the units are virtually silent...
Hydrogen Guy
[Aside] Comfy, too. Popular Mechanics,
January '99, with a little help from the lads at Volvo.
Captain Toronto
Are either of you detecting
anything?
They kill the motors and concentrate.
Deuterium Boy
Ambiguous. There's a lot of background
here.
Hydrogen Guy
There's several restaurants around, so
there's a higher concentration of organic compounds... DB, you're a little
better with resonance from heavy ions than I am - would you be so kind as to go
in for a closer look?
Deuterium Boy
But of course, HG. Can I get anyone
something from the Tim Horton's?
Captain Toronto
Just look for the fragments, Deuterium
Boy.
Deuterium Boy shrugs, and starts up the Whirly. He flies off towards the strip mall.
Captain Toronto
This is taking considerably longer than
I would like.
Hydrogen Guy shrugs, causing his Whirly to cough and sputter.
Hydrogen Guy
It's not a simple task. We can feel
vibrations from every hydrogen atom for several hundred meters, and we have to
try and filter out all of that excess noise. If the fragments are here, the
quasicrystalline structure would... broaden the vibration, I guess you could
say, making it harder to feel. Hard to explain; it's like trying to identify a
ripe cantaloupe by smell. Don't worry, CT, if the fragments are out there, we'll
find them.
Captain Toronto
Hydrogen Guy, please call me "Captain
Toronto".
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry.
Silence.
Hydrogen Guy
Dr. Prodigio is quite an impressive
individual.
Captain Toronto
Yes. He's utterly invaluable to the
Canadian superhero community.
Hydrogen Guy
He seems easy to work with. You ask the
Doctor a question, he gives you a sane answer. On the other hand, if you ask
Doug a question, he gives you a haiku about manatees and violets.
Captain Toronto
You seem to be managing.
Hydrogen Guy
Yes. As Deuterium Boy is wont to say, it's
better than the Oujia board.
Captain Toronto
[nods] Good. It's been a while since
we had a strong presence in the West. We have you to thank for that, Hydrogen
Guy.
Hydrogen Guy
[blinks] I'm glad you like our work. I'm
learning it's a very different scene here than in Vancouver... Walking into the
League HQ this afternoon was like walking into the Department of National
Defense. Up until a year ago, our League was still holding meetings at "Tony
Arrott's Bar & Grill".
Captain Toronto
I at least hope you got a discount on
wings.
[pause]
Hydrogen Guy
Was that a joke?
Captain Toronto
I never make jokes when the Free
World's in danger.
Deuterium Boy flies up in front of them
Deuterium Boy
Oh Captain my Captain!
Captain Toronto
Report?
Deuterium Boy
The fragments are here. They're embedded
in the Tim Horton's drive-through speaker.
Hydrogen Guy
Excellent work, DB!
Deuterium Boy
Pure luck I found them. Here, I got you a
chocolate-dip. [tosses a paper bag to HG]
Hydrogen Guy
Thanks!
Captain Toronto
Nothing for me?
Deuterium Boy
Oh NOW you want a donut... I found your
crystals, how's that?
Captain Toronto
Capital! Come, gentlemen, we'll need to
speak to the management at Tim Horton's...
Hydrogen Guy
Too late!
He guns the Whirly and takes off, Captain Toronto and Deuterium Boy right behind him. As they reach the parking lot, a slimy green figure emerges from the flaming donut shop...
Captain Toronto
Deuterium Boy, get the people out of
there! Hydrogen Guy, get the fragments! I'll handle the Eel-A-Noid!
Eel-A-Noid
GRAAAAAHH!
Captain Toronto
Bad mutant! No donut!
*POW!*
Captain Toronto
Great Yonge, I'm starting to sound like
them...
Hydrogen Guy runs up to him, lugging the drive-through speaker.
Captain Toronto
Get the fragments out of
here!
Hydrogen Guy
And miss the chance to do glorious battle
with Captain Toronto?
Captain Toronto
Sarcasm doesn't suit you.
Hydrogen Guy
Are you kidding, I wear it to church on
Sundays.
The Eel-A-Noid has now pulled itself out of the pavement
Captain Toronto
AAAGH!
Hydrogen Guy
Captain!
Captain Toronto
Oof... I'm okay, my energy-dispersive
suit absorbed most of the blast...
Deuterium Boy
It's getting away! The sewer
again!
Captain Toronto
Let it go, we have the
fragments.
Hydrogen Guy
Any casualties, DB?
Deuterium Boy
Just six dozen crullers... Captain
Toronto, are you all right?
Hydrogen Guy
He just took one of that thing's
electrical blasts in the chest... you notice it's got it's arm back?
Captain Toronto
No, no.. I'm getting a premonition...
clairvoyance is one of my superpowers -- Great Yonge! The Mutant Maker's
attacking the League! He's after the other fragments!!
He takes a running leap and hurls himself into the sky, and with a barely subsonic flash he's gone!
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost! Deuterium Boy, we
have to follow him before it's --
Both
Too Late!
Dramatic Music!
Hydrogen Guy
You heard the man, DB! Atomic batteries
depowered, turbines to speed!
Deuterium Boy
Whirlies away!
They gun the motors and take to the air.
Saturday night, 8:27 PM, Canadian National Headquarters of the League of Heroes. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy touch down at the top of the steps. The giant titanium doors are standing open.
Deuterium Boy
Zounds and Zoroastrian Ziggurats,
Hydrogen Guy, this doesn't look good... Where's Captain Toronto?
Hydrogen Guy
More importantly, where are the
Comissionaires?
Deuterium Boy
Hey - you're right! Ah -- oof -- here,
give me a hand..
They clamber out of the Whirly exoskeletons and leave them at the door. Blades drawn, they step into the foyer. Hydrogen Guy carries the Tim Horton's drive-through speaker under his left arm.
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! The Ruler of Elendil is
glowing!
Hydrogen Guy
I noticed...
He scans the room. The Comissionaires station is empty - the hall is deserted.
Hydrogen Guy
I have a bad feeling about
this...
There is a footstep behind them. They turn --
Hydrogen Guy
Nigel! What's happening? Where's the
Captain and the Doctor? And why are the doors open?
The Comissionaire's body begins to shiver and vibrate. Before their eyes, Nigel transmogrifies into --
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! Nigel's the
Eel-A-Noid!!
Eel-A-Noid
GRAAAAAHH!!!
With the speed and mobility of a hydrogen atom, Hydrogen Guy dodges the electrical blast! His sabre thrust forward, Deuterium Boy leaps at the mutant. It brushes him aside, just as Hydrogen Guy attacks from behind with the Ruler of Elendil. The Ruler impales the creature just below the heart, instead hitting another organ that isn't standard equipment...
*KER-SHPLAAMM!!*
The blast knocks Hydrogen Guy back against the Comissionaires desk, covered in slimy eel gore and shreds of "Nigel's" uniform. He wipes his mask clean.
Hydrogen Guy
So, Eel-A-Noids go "ker-shplam" when you
hit their power source. Who knew? Deuterium Boy, are you all right?
Deuterium Boy
Yeah... I could also use a moist
towellete or two..
Hydrogen Guy
Ditto. Come on, we'd better find the
Doctor. Careful, don't...
Deuterium Boy
WHOA!
*THUD*
Hydrogen Guy
... slip on the spleen.
Deuterium Boy struggles to his feet and glares at Hydrogen Guy, who gives him an innocent shrug. They take off down the hall for the computer room.
Saturday, 8:06 PM, the League's computer room. The Doctor is watching the wall-sized view-screen, currently showing a map of the City. The Navy Blue Sparrow stands nearby.
Navy Blue Sparrow
Yo, Doc. You look nervous.
The Doctor points to a series flashing red indicators, spread out across the map.
Dr. Prodigio
Eleven new trouble spots across the City
in the last half hour, Sparrow. I don't like it.
Navy Blue Sparrow
Yah, it's a hot one, all
right.
Dr. Prodigio
The Incredible Eight, Aleph Team, the
Amazing Ken Scott... all away while the final moves in the Prolixus case are
being made. I hope Captain Toronto and the Covalent Crusaders return
soon...
Navy Blue Sparrow
Don't worry, Doc, HG's solid. And the
Captain... hey, he's Captain Toronto. There's nothing that can bring him
down.
Dr. Prodigio
Almost nothing.
A new red spot has appeared on the map. He checks the printout scrolling out of the computer.
Dr. Prodigio
And now you. A truckload of plutonium
waste has been hijacked on the waterfront.
Navy Blue Sparrow
[snatches the printout] I'm on it,
Doc.
He leaps to a nearby slide tube, leading to the hanger deck, and disappears. The Doctor turns back to the map.
Some minutes pass. He hears a quiet sound from the corner of the room...
Dr. Prodigio
Yes? Who's there?
Nigel the Comissionaire steps out of the shadows. Behind him is a ponderous fat man in floppy sun hat, cloak and a many-pocketed, loose-fitting jumpsuit.
Dr. Prodigio
Nigel! Why are you not...
He trails off as he realizes what is happening. He turns and hits a control on the communication panel.
Dr. Prodigio
Sparrow! Return at once! Code
Eggshell!
Mutant Maker
It is too late, Doctor Prodigio...
the Sparrow Wing has already departed and all communications from this building
are now jammed.
The Doctor turns to face his adversary.
Dr. Prodigio
The Mutant Maker.
Mutant Maker
Professor Brandin Marlowe, Ph.D.
Cambridge, at your (hmph hmph) service, Doctor. I have waited quite some
time to meet you. For fifteen years I have sent my creations to retrieve
the Prolixus fragments and for fifteen years you have sent your costumed
clowns to intercept them. Now we meet at last.
Dr. Prodigio
[gestures at the map] This is your
work.
Mutant Maker
Yes, Doctor. I have called in all of my
underworld favours for this one night, so that the League of Heroes might
be kept busy.
He pulls a velvet bag from his pocket, and dumps twelve iridescent crystals into his massive palm.
Mutant Maker
I took the liberty of removing your own
fragments from the League's vaults - a childishly simple mechanism,
Doctor. You should have counted on my knowledge of Mayan hieroglyphics.
Now all I must do is wait for Hydrogen Guy to return with the final
fragments.
The Doctor pulls a pistol from the pocket of his own lab coat.
Dr. Prodigio
Drop the crystals, Marlowe.
Mutant Maker
(hmph hmph hmph) Go ahead, Doctor.
My personal Tonarzi shield renders your weapon useless.
Dr. Prodigio
You seem to have thought of
everything.
"Nigel", who has circled around behind the Doctor, disarms him.
Mutant Maker
I admit that the appearance of
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy caught me by surprise -- but it makes
little difference in the long run.
Captain Toronto
What about me, Mutant Maker?
Marlowe turns. Captain Toronto is standing at the window.
Mutant Maker
Ah, Captain. Your new sidekicks
must not be far behind. Excellent! Don't worry, Captain, I haven't forgotten
you...
He pockets the crystal fragments and pulls a specimen tube from another other pocket. He opens it to reveal...
Captain Toronto
Diabolinium! No!
The Captain crumples to his knees!
Mutant Maker
(Hmph hmph hmph) Yes, Captain Toronto! Or
did you think it a secret that exposure to Diabolinium weakens your
powers and plays havoc with your Incredulinium-altered central nervous system?
As an evil scientific genius, it is my business to find these things
out... [to "Nigel"] Secure them!
Movement on a nearby security monitor catches his eye.
Mutant Maker
And once you're done, go to the foyer and
intercept Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy!
The fake Comissionaire binds the Doctor and the weakened Captain Toronto to one of the anonymous pieces of machinery with the Doctor's own roll of titanium-reinforced duct tape, and then leaves. The Mutant Maker places the open Diabolinium sample a few feet away from his prisoners.
Captain Toronto
Must... fight...
Diabol..inium....
Dr. Prodigio
Captain, conserve your strength!
Mutant Maker
Yes, Captain. Don't make it too
easy for me to kill you... Now, where did I put that matrix...
ah...
From another in a seemingly endless series of pockets, he pulls a complex metallic cage.
Mutant Maker
No doubt, Dr. Prodigio, you recognize this
as a recombinant matrix for the Crystal of Prolixus. Once I have
all fourteen fragments, I shall use this device to reunite them and harness the
Crystal's vast energies.
Captain Toronto
Diabolical... must... be stopped...
more cheese...
Dr. Prodigio
Marlowe, you must rethink what you are
doing! Surely it would be better to use the Crystal for the Betterment of
Mankind, than for Senseless Destruction!
The Mutant Maker is now carefully placing his fragments into the matrix.
Mutant Maker
Oh, but I am, Doctor... I shall use the
Crystal to create a race of super-mutants, who will act as my
enforcers as I steer Humanity away from its current path of Decadence and
Corruption.
Captain Toronto
Too... many... capitals... letters..
birds... the birds are singing...
A muffled explosion reverberates from down the hall.
Mutant Maker
Excellent... and so goes the
Diatomic Duo!
Dr. Prodigio
We will not be the last, Mutant Maker!
Others will try to stop you, and they will succeed!
Mutant Maker
Doctor, all they will succeed in is
avoiding the ridiculous dialogue we have been exchanging for the last
five minutes. I have beaten the best this country has to offer. All I
have is to retrieve the last two fragments from that mess in the foyer, and I
will be unstoppable!
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy burst into the room, swords drawn, Hydrogen Guy still lugging a Tim Horton's drive-through speaker.
Hydrogen Guy
Doctor! Captain Toronto!
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy, look!
Mutant Maker
They survived?
Impossible!!
The Mutant Maker pulls an enormous plasma rifle from his cloak (where does he shop?) and attaches the nearly full matrix to the energy input. He points the gun at Hydrogen Guy.
Mutant Maker
Hand over the fragments, Hydrogen
Guy. Prolixus may be incomplete but twelve fragments are still enough to make
this the most powerful weapon on the planet.
Hydrogen Guy
Think so, do ya fatty? Catch!
He tosses the speaker at Marlowe, and Marlowe fires. The speaker is instantly vaporized, except for two sparkling pieces of crystal which clatter to the floor at his feet.
Mutant Maker
Well done, Hydrogen Guy. The
Crystal of Prolixus is now mine!
Hydrogen Guy
What the hell's the deal with the way you
talk?
The Mutant Maker installs the last two fragments into the matrix. There is a brief phosphorescent flash as the Crystal of Prolixus fuses itself into one.
Mutant Maker
Say goodbye to your colleagues, Hydrogen
Guy.
He aims the rifle at Dr. Prodigio and Captain Toronto (who is now drooling noticeably).
Deuterium Boy
Now, HG?
Hydrogen Guy
Now, DB.
They concentrate their powers on the Crystal, extending their elemental fields to influence the hydrogen and deuterium atoms in the structure's acetate ions. Signals from Marlowe's brain begin their journey to his finger which would pull the trigger; but the excited atoms in the acetate quasicrystal are moving orders of magnitude faster.
Crystal of Prolixus
Poof!
Plasma Rifle
click! click! clikliklik--
Mutant Maker
WHAT?!! The Crystal!! What
happened?!
He frantically looks around. The rifle, his jumpsuit, the floor around him are all covered with microscopically fine glittery powder.
Deuterium Boy
Amazing what you can do to chemical bonds
if you put your mind to it.
Dr. Prodigio
Brilliantly done, Hydrogen Guy and
Deuterium Boy!
Mutant Maker
You destroyed the Crystal?!!
Impossible!!!
Hydrogen Guy
You keep using that word. I do not think
it means what you think it means.
Mutant Maker
Oh, shut up!
He rushes the Covalent Crusaders, brandishing the useless rifle like a club. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy tackle him. There is a brief but rather amusing struggle, Deuterium Boy succeeds in stapling Marlowe to the floor with his Hydrogen Staple Gun.
Mutant Maker
Shit!
Hydrogen Guy
Well done, DB, now - OW! Stop it, lard
ass! How about getting my leg out from underneath this behemoth?
Deuterium Boy
Sorry HG --
Dr. Prodigio
Quickly, you must dispose of the
Diabolinium! Prolonged exposure could be fatal for Captain Toronto!
Hydrogen Guy
This grey stuff on the table
here?
Dr. Prodigio
Yes!
Captain Toronto
beeblebeeblebeeble... ack...
Dr. Prodigio
There is a hazardous materials disposal
tube on your left. Hydrogen Guy, hurry!
Hydrogen Guy
I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
Deuterium Boy
HYDROGEN GUY!!
Hydrogen Guy
I'm joking! Jeesh, DB, this city is
getting to you...
Late Saturday, 10:33 PM. The Mutant Maker, alias Dr. Brandin Marlowe, has been taken to a holding facility by members of the RCMP's Super-Heroes and Villains Department. A phone call has been placed to the Comissionaire's Bureau, and a Full Inquiry into how an Eel-A-Noid mutant could have insinuated itself into the League has been promised. Captain Toronto is now quite recovered, and is even affably sitting on the couch nursing a hot chocolate with Hydrogen Guy, Doug and the Navy Blue Sparrow. (Hydrogen Guy, however, is sure that this is a lingering side effect of the Diabolinium, and that the Captain will be back to his arrogant self again in no time.) Deuterium Boy is in a comfy armchair, sipping The Only Heavy Water Mocha Latté in Toronto, while Dr. Prodigio is opposite in a recliner, tending the roaring fire and sharing amusing anecdotes.
Dr. Prodigio
... so later that night we hitched a ride
out of Havana, with Feynman still griping about the coffee! Never saw the girl
again, either!
[general laughter]
Hydrogen Guy
That's great! See, DB, you're not the only
one.
Deuterium Boy
Hey, I got my latté, leave me
alone.
Doug
*gurgle*
Dr. Prodigio
That, Doug, is truly a greater
wisdom.
They all nod gravely.
Navy Blue Sparrow
HG, man, so how long you in the
City?
Hydrogen Guy
We're flying out -- conventional airlines
-- tomorrow night.
Captain Toronto
Capital! Glad to hear it!
Hydrogen Guy
[aside] Told you.
Captain Toronto
What I mean to say, Hydrogen Guy and
Deuterium Boy, is that the villains of Toronto are clearly no match for the
likes of you. Vancouver and Maple Ridge will be glad to have their Guardians
back.
Dr. Prodigio
Indeed. You two made short work of the
Mutant Maker, whom we have struggled against for fifteen years. I would hate to
match wits with this Hans-Raoul of yours, who keeps you so busy.
Hydrogen Guy
You're welcome to him, Doctor.
Dr. Prodigio
Hydrogen Guy, I must admit -- I'm still
not entirely sure what you and Deuterium Boy did to the Crystal.
Hydrogen Guy
Will you, DB?
Deuterium Boy
No, HG, you speak, I insist.
Hydrogen Guy
But it was your idea, DB...
Captain Toronto
Hydrogen Guy --
Hydrogen Guy
Sorry. It was simple, really. Despite it's
quasicrystalline structure, the Crystal of Prolixus was single crystal
Incredulinium acetate. No grain boundaries, just one continuous structure. That
meant that a fracture or a pressure wave could travel through it relatively
easily. We just incited the hydrogen atoms in the crystal to vibrate at a
resonance frequency, setting up vibrations in the crystal until poof! The
crystal came apart at the molecular scale.
Dr. Prodigio
Hm. Of course. That was simple.
Hydrogen Guy
Told ya.
Navy Blue Sparrow
Hey Captain, so with the big M down,
I guess the City's gonna get a lot quieter, right?
Captain Toronto
No, Sparrow. This is Toronto, the Heart
of the Nation. Like Rome in ancient times, all lines of human endeavor
ultimately lead here, yes, even crime. [pause] That's from my book.
Hydrogen Guy
Ah!
Captain Toronto
If we knock down one crime lord,
another will rise to take his place. Our work is never done.
Navy Blue Sparrow
That's good to hear, man, cause I
just made a down payment on a new Sparrow-Wing.
Deuterium Boy
Mmm! [sets down his latté] What
options did you get?
... and he and the Navy Blue Sparrow launch into an enthusiastic discussion about turbo ramjets and smart missiles. For, as the Captain says, the work of the superhero is never done, as long as Evil walks the land. And Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy will be there -- to defend Truth, Silliness, and the Canadian Way!
[Fade to black; roll credits]