On board a satellite in geosynchronous orbit around the Earth...

Camera Thing
Three.. Two... One...

Reporter #1
I'm Xarf Mopl here with Yglyp Mypwippi on board the Satellite of Sleaze. We're reporting to you live from Earth, a small class M planet in universe 458549L-UJ/6. Due to Causes Unknown, planet Earth is just minutes away from complete fermion collapse!

Reporter #2
We're here in our invincible nerve centre, where we'll be bringing you live feeds from all over the planet as this horrific tragedy unfolds - exclusively on TVKrex!

Reporter #1
On fifteen channels across the Multiverse.

Reporter #2
Live from Earth, it's Outside Edition!

The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle - Part IV

Meanwhile, back in Ottawa... time is running out for the Diatomic Duo and Stan the pizza delivery guy! Trapped on the logically-inescapable Gödelian Racks in the Black Rose's Secret Underground Complex, with minutes to go until all matter collapses, things are getting rather tight...

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! We're doomed!

Stan
Isn't there any way off these racks?

Hydrogen Guy
None! It's logically impossible to escape from them - they've got some sort of built in mathematical paradox, only more painful.

Stan looks down at Hydrogen Guy's rack. Inscribed on the side in a cursive font is the phrase "This Rack Cannot Be Escaped From By Hydrogen Guy".

Meanwhile, behind a pane of one-way glass, Hans Dürchfall and his thugs gleefully watch from the observation room...

Hans
This will be good. Hahve you finished with the video cahmerah yet?

Thug #1
You betcha, Hans. This is gonna win us first prize on that "Funniest Home Videos" show easy!

Hans
You idiot, Bob Saget is going to be cosmic neutrino dust in ten minutes.

Thug #3
'Bout time, too!

Thug #1
How 'bout second prize?

Back in the Generator room...

Stan
[aside] So Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are powerless? But wait!

He strains to look at the side of his own rack. Inscribed on the side in the same cursive font is the phrase "This Rack Cannot Be Escaped From By Stan The Pizza Delivery Driver".

Stan
[aside] Just as I thought! This rack was built for a pizza delivery driver! But the Black Rose doesn't know my true identity!

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, Deuterium Boy. I guess this is it.

Deuterium Boy
Some superheroes we were.

Hydrogen Guy
We've failed in our task to Save the World, and now we're going to be torn apart on these racks before being turned into some kind of quantum goo.

Deuterium Boy
I always thought we'd just disappear in a puff of logic one day... or retire and get lame replacements like Carson.

Hydrogen Guy
But instead our tendons are snapping like a pasta bridge. Before the end, though, DB, I think I should tell you... I was the one who stuffed your cat in the high-voltage meson chamber last year.

Deuterium Boy
WHAT?!!

Hydrogen Guy
I was getting tired of its hair getting over everything in the Cave. Sorry. What, you're not going to get mad at me now, in our final moments, are you?

Deuterium Boy
I guess not... well, I guess I should tell you... I took some candid pictures of you and Parrot Girl in the hot tub last month.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! I'm shocked! Shocked! That's utterly unforgivable. [Pause] How'd they turn out?

Deuterium Boy
Ohhh, fantastic. She has such beautiful... plumage!

Hydrogen Guy
[wistful] Oh yeah. Polly can have my cracker any day...

Suddenly, Stan rips his left arm free of the Rack, shattering the chains like an old election promise! Next he rips his right arm free, then sits up and breaks open the manacles on his legs. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy watch him in stunned silence.

He leaps off the rack and does a quick scan of the room. He spots his pizza warmers piled in the corner. He smiles - the Black Roses's thugs didn't have time to get into the pizza. He tears open one of the warmer bags and pulls out a hefty Argon Blast Cannon - a top of the line plasma disrupter weapon!

He reaches to his face and pulls off the "Mission: Impossible"-style latex mask he's been wearing to reveal...

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
CHUCK WAR!!!

Chuck War
Hold still!

He blasts the Covalent Crusader's racks with two shots from the Argon Blast Cannon, shattering them into rubble. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy get to their feet, pulling the remains of their shackles off.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Chuck War, Action Hero! Thanks!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Undercover, Chuck War! What are you doing here?

Chuck War
No time to explain, Deuterium Boy! We've got to destroy the Garner Field Generator before it's...

All
Too Late!!!

Chuck War turns and starts blasting away at the 40 machines lining the room. Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil, glowing brightly blue, and starts slashing others to pieces. Deuterium Boy pulls a selection of his explosive Deuterium-O-Rangs, and starts hurling them at others. Machine carnage!

Back in the observation room...

Hans
No, you fool! The button with the double ahrrows is fast forward. The red button is the record!

Thug #3
No, no, that's the eject!

He pushes it. The camera's lens zooms out.

Thug #1
If that's the zoom, then what's this lever do?

Hans
I told you thaht's trahcking.

The door opens and Trudeau walks in.

Trudeau
The Hyper-dimensional Interporter is open! There's five minutes left, let's go... [He looks through the glass] IDIOTS!! They've escaped and they're destroying the machines!

He turns and rushes out. Hans and the thugs follow, knocking over the video camera. Back in the Generator room...

Chuck War
[firing disrupter] We're almost there, Hydrogen Guy. Just one machine left...

Just as Chuck War aims his Argon Blast Cannon, the glass slinging door slides open and Trudeau, Hans, the thugs and 17 Burly Henchmen burst in the room!

Hydrogen Guy
Way to speak too soon, Chuck!

Trudeau
Freeze, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Not above 10 degrees Kelvin, Jean-Marc Trudeau!

The Ruler of Elendil crackles with blue fire in anticipation of battle! The thugs and henchmen draw a variety of weapons that include everything from nasty-looking kitchen knives to a really neat-looking sub-atomic ionizer. They advance menacingly.

Chuick War
[brandishing the ABC] Oh no, it can't be!

Deuterium Boy draws a flimsy-looking epée that would be better suited fighting the kitchen knives.

Deuterium Boy
Oh yes it can be! Duck!!

Trudeau
[drawing his rapier] Can we begin now, or are there more special effects to come?

Hydrogen Guy
Have at you, then!

And now...

The Climactic Battle Scene!

Colour Man
Thank you, omniscient narrator. And welcome to the "Files of Hydrogen Guy" first-ever climactic battle scene! And it promises to be a good one, doesn't it Dave?

Play-by-play Man
That's right, Jim - amazing odds at twenty one to three in favour of the forces of evil! And our battle begins as Hydrogen Guy engages the Black Rose in single sword-play - some nice feinting there - while the other baddies converge on Deuterium Boy and Chuck War!

Colour Man
Well that hardly seems fair...

Play-by-play Man
Three henchmen approach Chuck War from behind, thinking he's an easy target, and OH! Chuck whirls and body-slams them into the garbage chute! Here come seven more with some very hefty-looking clubs, Chuck War dodges, picks up another henchmen and knocks them down like dominoes!

Colour Man
Yes, Dave, Chuck War's really come to play tonight!

Play-by-play Man
Good as anybody in the League, Jim. That's eleven down for Chuck War, and another three rush him from the side on dirt bikes, Chuck leaps out of the way AND THEY DRIVE OFF A CLIFF! Three more chase Chuck onto the suspension bridge...

Colour Man
Bridges were never Chuck's strong point, Dave, but the henchmen have a great power play.

Chuck War
Deuterium Boy!

Deuterium Boy
[Deflecting a proton blast with his epée as he hurls a Deuterium-O-Rang in another direction] Kinda busy, Chuck!

Colour Man
And that he is, Dave! Having overcome some early anguish at having his epée mocked by the thugs, he's in the midst of some pretty impressive seven-on-one action at centre stage.

Play-by-play Man
Deuterium Boy knocks down a thug who appears to be wielding a spatula with a casual coupé to the back of the head. Four more make the same mistake, but it's all routine for this player...

Colour Man
Trudeau's special teams division really needs work, Dave.

Play-by-play Man
... and it's just DB, Chuck War, Hans and Thugs #1 and 3. Thug #1 aims a sub-atomic ionizer at Deuterium Boy AND IS THROWN BACK into the parked Studebaker by a Deuterium-O-Rang to the sternum!

Colour Man
It's all in the stick work, Dave. Though I gotta wonder what a Studebaker's doing in a Secret Underground Complex.

Play-by-play Man
And a suspension bridge, for that matter.

Deuterium Boy
HUUUUU!

Thug #3
AAAAH!

Play-by-play Man
OH! That MUST have hurt! Hans is brandishing a broadsword -

Colour Man
You could tell he was the "Conan" type.

Play-by-play Man
Deuterium Boy engages him with a flurry of steel on steel, scoring only a few wrist hits -

Colour Man
An epée against a broadsword? Are you absolutely nuts?

Play-by-play Man
Meanwhile Chuck hurls two of his opponents off the bridge, and delivers a blinding blow to the third! And... OH! Hans just tossed Deuterium Boy down an elevator shaft!!

Deuterium Boy
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhh....

Hans
Get ouht of my face, you little... OOOH!

Chuck War
That's for the pizzas! You're under arrest for five violations of Galactic Treaty T-655...

Dave
Back to that thrilling Hydrogen Guy/Black Rose match-up: after several minutes of parries, feints, thrusts, ripostes and counter-attacks, the contest is at a standstill! The Studebaker's been overturned, and ignition console cleaved in two, but nothing decisive! Over to you Jean-Marc.

Trudeau
Merci bien, Jim. [to Hydrogen Guy] You fence well, Hydrogen Guy, but there's something you should know... I am the top fencer in all of ICBC!!

Hydrogen Guy
[as Trudeau gains the upper hand] Ah ha! But I too, know something you don't - I'm very good at needlepoint!

Suddenly, the air is pierced by a shrill buzzing noise from the last intact machine!

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost! The Garner Field Generator!

Trudeau
You fools! We've run out of time! We're all doomed!

The lights start flashing, the music rises to a thrilling crescendo - when a door pops open in the front of the machine to reveal a steaming casserole dish!

Hydrogen Guy
Rice-A-Roni!

He turns and punches Trudeau across the jaw...

...sending him flying across the room!

Deuterium Boy
[climbing back up the elevator shaft] Ooof, uh, ... Holy Appliances, Hydrogen Guy! It was (oof) just a microwave oven! We destroyed (arg) the Garner Field Generator after all! [slipping] Oof.. whuAAAAAaaaahhh....

Hydrogen Guy pulls the moaning Trudeau to his feet. The sliding glass door opens and Special Agent Parker enters.

Parker
Parker, Super-Heroes and Villains Department, RCMP. Ho! You're all under arrest. Hydrogen Guy! Chuck War!

Hydrogen Guy
Special Agent Parker! You're just in time.

Parker
The Prime Minister suspected Foul Play this morning when his toast came out burnt. He thought it might be separatists. Then I got a call from the Burger King. I've got an emergency response team waiting upstairs.

Hydrogen Guy
Not separatists, Parker - a plot to destroy the planet!

Parker
Right then. I'd better get my flashlight. [He leaves]

Hydrogen Guy
All right, Black Rose! Let's see who you really are!

He grabs Trudeau's face and pulls.

Trudeau
OW! Let go of my face, you twit!

Chuck War
Uh... I think he really is Jean-Marc Trudeau.

Hydrogen Guy lets go of Trudeau's face.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, of course. I was just making sure. [looks around sheepishly]

Trudeau
Grr.. and I would have gotten away with too...

Parker returns with his flashlight. He shines it in Trudeau's face.

Parker
... if it weren't for John Turner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Let's go, punk. Body cavity search upstairs.

Parker halls him off as the emergency response team starts pouring in to round up the thugs and henchmen. Hydrogen Guy and Chuck War start working on how to get Deuterium Boy out of the elevator shaft...

Back on the Satellite of Sleaze...

Reporter #1
Well, things are still pretty quiet out here in universe UJ/6. Earth's turned out to be more of a big bust than a Big Bang.

Reporter #2
Good news for the people of Earth, Yglyp.

Reporter #1
But a bit of a disappointment for fans of chaos and destruction across the Multiverse, Xarf.

Reporter #2
For TVKrex, I'm Yglyp Mypwippi.

Reporter #1
And I'm Xarf Mopl, from planet Earth, universe 458549L-UJ/6. Back to you, Hirfgol.

Camera Thing
And... we're clear!

Reporter #1
Deity! That was cursed embarrassing! If I ever get my pseudopods on that punk-ass human...

Reporter #2
Calm down, Mopl. All we have to do is find the right parallel universe, and it will have happened. That's the advantages of an infinite Multiverse.

Reporter #1
Copulate it. I'm not in the mood. Let's go find a space-liner to push in a black hole or something.

EXT. SHOT: The satellite in geosynchronous orbit. The last remote camera drones dock on the satellite's hull, and with a flash of light, the satellite pops out of the universe.

Two weeks later.. at one of Maple Ridge's more infamous dens of iniquity, where jazz and hot chocolate flow late into the night. Hydrogen Guy is reposing in a corner booth, nursing a mug of the house specialty and keeping an eye on some shady customers. The drone of traffic and a steady rain accompanies an open door, and Chuck War walks into the club. Hydrogen Guy waves him over.

Hydrogen Guy
Evening, Chuck.

Chuck War
How's it going?

Hydrogen Guy
Not bad. Been out of town?

Chuck War
Yeah, you could say that. Been tracking down that Tonarzi field mage who sold the Garner Field cell to the Black Rose's henchmen. I caught up with him just this side of Betelgeuse. He'll be doing a stint on Tingel's Rock for selling contraband to a developing world.

Hydrogen Guy
I wonder why it's called a "Garner" Field cell?

Chuck War
Heh. It's Galactic Customs slang for any field that screws around with the laws of physics. Named after Earth's last human GC agent, Lucas Garner - he worked in the old "Technological Control" arm. He once said, "Changing one law of physics is like trying to eat one peanut".

Hydrogen Guy
Ha! Well, good job Chuck. I guess Galactic Customs always gets their man.

Chuck War
Yeah.. How's Deuterium Boy?

Hydrogen Guy
Recovering nicely. The broken ribs are healing, and we're pretty sure he's not sterile. Pretty good considering that elevator shaft was seven stories deep.

Chuck War
I never figured out what an elevator shaft was doing in a Secret Underground Complex underneath a Burger King.

Hydrogen Guy
I think we may have stumbled on where they get the Almost Chicken^TM from.

Chuck War
What about Trudeau? What's happening to him?

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry about that fiend. Society will be safe from him for a good, long time. The PM's appointed him to the Senate.

Chuck War
The wonders of Canadian justice.

Hydrogen Guy
You never really explained, how did you know what was going on? What tipped you off about the Black Rose?

Chuck War
I'd been on Hans Dürchfall's tail for about a week. I'd been following him disguised as a pizza delivery guy. "Zippo's 2-4-1 Pizzarama" let me use their car in exchange for making a few deliveries. I was on one of their runs when I ran into Hans and his thugs waiting for Special Agent Parker and they mugged me. Ironically, they took me right where I needed to go.

Hydrogen Guy
And of course since the Gödelian Rack was tailored for a pizza guy and not Chuck War, it was possible for you to escape.

Chuck War
Bingo.

Hydrogen Guy
[aside] I love the part of the plot where all the ridiculous plot twists get rationalized... [to CW] Good thing you were there, or we'd be just a memory in space-time.

Chuck War
Thanks. Well, I guess I better go. Been a rumour about some renegade mecha in Tokyo. Radar and I gotta check it out.

Hydrogen Guy
Probably a conspiracy of some kind. Good luck, Chuck.

Chuck War
See you around, HG!

Chuck War leaves.

Once again, Hydrogen Guy is left alone, with just the sounds of a baritone sax and a steaming cup of Double Dutch chocolate. He glances at the newspaper he's been reading sporadically - front page news is the Quebec Premier calling the Prime Minister "a nasty little toad" and Newfoundland's continuing boycott of future Oromocto Conferences. No constitutional agreement this year.

He checks his watch: almost time for Conan. He shrugs his shoulders - his shady characters aren't going anywhere for now, and neither is the band. The life of a costumed hero isn't always this easy - as Deuterium Boy well knows these days - but it's worth it to wake up every morning and find that the planet's still in one piece, even if the country isn't. In a world where you can't know what a wave-packet's is and where it's going at the same time, there will always be a need for Hydrogen Guy.

If you can make sense of that, good for you.