Episode 42

Deep Magic Blues - Part II

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

They sit atop the Gordon Tower, thirty stories above the streets of Maple Ridge. Deuterium Boy has been talking for nearly half an hour, Hydrogen Guy merely perched silently at the edge of the roof, his feet dangling over the building's topmost windows. He stares into the night, watching the flickering lights of the city.

Deuterium Boy pauses, possibly waiting for him to respond.

Hydrogen Guy
Oberon was evasive at best, DB. He gave us nothing but evasion and denials. For a while I wondered if we were right about the faeries controlling Amalgo NorthWest. But the incident at the council meeting proved we were right, DB, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Deuterium Boy
Have you been listening to me AT ALL? Hydrogen Guy, sometimes you're just... Do you have any idea what Chuck and Lola Lakefront-Property had to do to get me released? Parker was ready to have them arrested themselves! Because of your stupid --

Hydrogen Guy
But we have proof! And so does the council and the SHVD, they saw it with their own eyes...

Deuterium Boy
That's irrelevant! It was an incredibly stupid thing to do! What would have happened if you were wrong, huh?

Hydrogen Guy
Er... well... I knew I wasn't, it --

Deuterium Boy
It was irresponsible, selfish and stupid! Jim, the trouble with you is that you think you're Mozart or Monk or Picasso, that you can carry on like some deranged creative genius and people will just accept it! It was bad enough when you were just a scientist, but since the accident you've been doing it as a superhero and it's gotten worse! And dare I add, more dangerous!

Hydrogen Guy
I've never acted "deranged", as you put it. Maybe a little eccentric...

Deuterium Boy
You've pushed it beyond eccentric this time, way, way beyond! What kind of whacko faerie dust did they give you, exactly?

Hydrogen Guy
I told you, I have no idea what happened between the hunt and the following night. You'll just have to trust me that's I'm in my right mind.

Deuterium Boy
You're doing a damn shitty job of demonstrating it! And as I must've said to you fifty times tonight, you might have discussed what you were going to do with me before you appeared at the council meeting!

Two days earlier, Lola Lakefront-Property (reporter for the Maple Ridge Gazette) walked into the RCMP's Pitt Meadows station. Upon arriving she was directed to the Superintendent's office. Seeing Special Agent Parker, of the RCMP's Super-Heroes and Villains Department, sitting at the Superintendent's desk only strengthened her journalistic integrity. Chuck War sat in a chair in front of Parker, and the Superintendent lurked in the background in a jurisdictional twist.

Lola
Hello, Superintendent... Agent Parker. I guess I'm not surprised.

Parker
Ms. Lakefront-Property. You know Chuck War, I believe.

Lola
Yes. Hello, Mr. War.

Chuck War
Ms. Lakefront-Property.

Parker
Have a seat, please. I've taken over the investigation of this evening's incident and the search for Hydrogen Guy.

Lola
Any leads?

Parker
None I'm at liberty to discuss. None that I'm not at liberty to discuss, either. This damn town's tighter than a virgin walnut, Ms. Lakefront-Property. War here maintains he doesn't know where Hydrogen Guy is.

Chuck War
I don't.

Parker
Deuterium Boy was placed under arrest under suspicion of conspiracy two hours ago. This is being considered a homicide, Ms. Lakefront-Property.

Lola
With Hydrogen Guy a hunted killer?

Parker
I have the papers here to reclassify Hydrogen Guy as a super-villain. I'm reluctant to file them, but unless he comes forward within twenty-four hours I'll have no choice.

Chuck War
And that will make this more than just a police manhunt.

Parker
Chuck, I don't expect the League to hunt down one of its own. But the SHVD won't hesitate.

Lola
Agent Parker?

Parker
Sorry, Ms. Lakefront-Property. Let me give you the facts...
Robin Goodfellow said in his statement that the Diatomic Duo had come to see him Friday morning at around 11:30 AM. They asked him a few questions, he went out of the room prepare some tea and when he returned, they were gone. He presumed they exited through the conference room which adjoined his office and went down the stairwell.
Yesterday morning, around 7:30 AM, Deuterium Boy contacted Mr. Goodfellow at his home in what Goodfellow described as "an agitated state". He accused Goodfellow of abducting Hydrogen Guy, which of course Goodfellow denies, and after a short confrontation where Goodfellow threatened to call the police, Deuterium Boy left. We've mostly been able to confirm Deuterium Boy's whereabouts between then and Monday's council meeting with other sources.
Now; Ms. Lakefront-Property, do you have any idea as to Deuterium Boy's whereabouts or actions between 11:30 AM Friday and 7:30 AM Sunday?

Lola
No.

Parker
Or Hydrogen Guy's between 11:30 AM Friday and 6:00 PM tonight?

Lola
No, and I don't know where he is now, either. Does Deuterium Boy?

Parker
He says not, and my guess is that he doesn't. In his statement, Deuterium Boy claims he and Hydrogen Guy were transported through Goodfellow's office into the fairy world, and that Hydrogen Guy remained there when Deuterium Boy reappeared at Otter's Dike around 6:00 AM Sunday morning. Do you have any information which may corroborate his story?

Lola
You're asking me if Goodfellow took Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy dancing with the fairies?

Parker
Dancing may or may not have been involved, Ms. Lakefront-Property, we're not clear on that point. Just answer the question.

Lola
You can't honestly believe that, can you?

Parker
You learn to question reality in the SHVD, Ms. Lakefront-Property.

Lola looked at the Superintendent, who simply shrugged.

Chuck War
He's serious, Lola.

Lola
Ookay... well, I suppose they were rabbitting on about fairies Friday morning after the press conference. They thought Amalgo NorthWest was run by Rumplestiltskin or something.

Parker
Do you know where I can contact this Rumplestiltskin.

Lola
I was trying to be funny, Special Agent. Honestly, they're detached from reality. They concoct these insane theories out of the most ridiculous details --

Chuck War
-- and save this city, country and planet from evil as regularly as toast lands butter-side down.

Lola
-- which they probably think is a conspiracy between ICBC and Wonder Bread. Parker, Mr. War, I'm not arguing with their results, but they are delusional!

Parker
That'll do, Ms. Lakefront-Property. Now, you were at the council meeting, weren't you?

Lola
You bet I was. I wanted to check out what Goodfellow would say to his new "employees", the Pitt Meadows Municipal Council.

Parker
Can you describe, in detail, what you saw tonight?

Lola
Of course...

The meeting started at around six, so my photographer Al and I showed up at five to get some shots and sound bites. The chambers were already filling up by then. We got some good quotes, a couple outraged citizens, some leftist students from SFU protesting what amounted to a corporate buy-out of the local government, some city employees... I noticed Deuterium Boy showed up, alone, around 5:45. He was instantly mobbed by the TV crews. Anyway, council went on right at six. Goodfellow was out-there sitting right behind the Mayor. You know how dull these things usually are -- read the minutes, opening comments, yada yada yada.

But the crowd was big and getting a bit restless, so they'd moved Goodfellow to the top of the roster. The Mayor was about halfway through his introduction when I heard the door creak. I heard some whispers behind me -- Al and I were third row centre, perfect seats. DB was sitting in the same row as us, several seats down on the aisle. I saw him turn around at the sound, and he got this shocked look on his face. I should've known something was up.

By then the Mayor had finished, and he was standing up as Goodfellow stepped up to the mike. They were shaking hands when there was this flurry of activity behind me, someone shouted and then suddenly something flew over my head. Deuterium Boy jumped to his feet and I was looking around to see what the commotion was when Al grabbed my arm. I looked and there was Hydrogen Guy, Ruler drawn and heading straight for Goodfellow and the Mayor. It all happened in a split second, the Mayor was still smiling and grabbing Goodfellow's arm when Hydrogen Guy sliced off his head.

Just one stroke, and then all hell broke loose. There was so much commotion, people screaming and cops rushing forward, I'm not sure how many people actually saw what had happened to the Mayor's body until afterwards. When Hydrogen Guy cut off his head, there was no blood. The head hit the floor and shattered like pottery, exactly like a porcelain doll's head. Shards of head scattered over the floor, and instead of brains there was just this dry clay. The body crumbled immediately after, into the same clay stuff. Whatever Hydrogen Guy had just killed, it obviously wasn't the Mayor, and it wasn't human.

Hydrogen Guy
The Mayor had been replaced by a changeling, probably when he was in Asia on the Team Canada trip. They're like faerie automatons, they used to switch them with human children in the early middle ages. They were never that perfect, though. Obviously faerie technology has advanced as much as ours has in the last few centuries.

Deuterium Boy
And the other two were changelings two. But where's the real Mayor?

Hydrogen Guy
Who knows. We might have ridden with him on Friday, or he could be in some faerie dungeon, or making running shoes in some sweatshop in Thailand. But the point is --

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, you proved your point. But the fact is you didn't talk to me, your partner; you did it in the worst possible way, in front of half the area's media; and what you did after just made the situation worse.

The other councilors panicked, which was understandable. But two of them - Chapman and Davis, who'd first met with Amalgo in Indonesia - their reaction was like nothing I've ever seen. Their faces twisted into these inhuman caricatures, like something you might see in a bad heavy metal video. Then they opened their mouths and squealed like dying pigs. Then the real panic started and human voices drowned them out.

Hydrogen Guy was going after Goodfellow, who had leaped back from the first attack and was now trying to get the two - whatevers, councilors - under control. Security was ushering the rest of the council out the back, and then Goodfellow disappeared. He just disappeared, he was there and then a split second later he was gone. The two mutant councilors went with him. The cops got to Hydrogen Guy just before Deuterium Boy. Hydrogen Guy cold-cocked both of them, and the he disappeared, with that turning into gas trick of his, it wasn't nearly as sudden as Goodfellow's act. I guess he got out as vapour of something.

Deuterium Boy was left standing there, with this look of complete shock. The cops descended on him, for want of Hydrogen Guy I guess, and I don't think he resisted.

Lola
Anyway, that's about it. After everyone was "evacuated", I hung around, getting some more quotes while Al snapped pictures of everything he could. From a journalist's point of view it was terrific.

Parker shut off the tape recorder which he'd placed on the desk. He drummed his fingers and looked at the papers on the desk.

Parker
You might be interested to know that Goodfellow, Davis and Chapman say they evacuated with the rest of the council.

Lola
I swear that's not what I saw.

Parker
We've had trouble confirming or denying anything about that. No one else seems to have noticed in the confusion. [pause] But we have the remains.

Chuck War
Not "body", "remains".

Parker
Hmf. Coroner says it's common clay, though a geologist I spoke to said it was "interesting".

Chuck War
When do I get to have a look at it?

Parker
War, we both know that if I leave you alone with that stuff nobody'll ever see it again.

Chuck War
Isn't the presence of the clay enough to lend support to DB's story?

Parker
It's not enough.

He rifled through the stack of papers in front of him. The Superintendent handed him a sheet from the top of the file cabinet.

Parker
Eh? Oh, thanks... [sighs] I hate this case. Listen -

He pointed at Chuck War and Lola.

Parker
We can't charge Deuterium Boy with anything yet, and there's a lot of points in his favour. I'm going to release him on your recognizance.

Lola
Our recognizance?

Parker
Check. Keep him out of trouble, help him however you can.

Lola
Okay, War I understand, but - Special Agent, I can't baby-sit a rogue superhero! I have to go to press with this thing for tomorrow morning!

Parker
Listen, Ms. Lakefront-Property - Deuterium Boy and Hydrogen Guy trust War. But you're a different story, you can keep an eye out that the three of them don't get up to any monkey business. And you can help them in ways that might cost me my job if I did it.

Lola
But -

Parker
Besides, Ms. Lakefront-Property, the Department's stretched pretty thin right now. There's the ongoing Firestorm saga in Montréal, and we're approaching Maniak's annihilation deadline in Calgary. It's only because the offender's as big a name as Hydrogen Guy that they sent a Special Agent out here.

Lola
I'm sure you pulled a few strings, Parker.

Parker smirked.

Parker
Besides, Ms. Lakefront-Property, the Covalent Crusaders are your specialty, aren't they?

Deuterium Boy
Imagine my surprise when Chuck War and I walked into my apartment to find Jim Evans watching a rerun of "The Simpsons" and eating my cereal.

Hydrogen Guy
It's called "laying low".

Deuterium Boy
I'll lay YOU low if you ever pull anything like this again!

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, DB. I admit I could have handled this better.

Deuterium Boy
Great Utixo, god of the Hottentots! THAT's an understatement!

Hydrogen Guy
[shrugs] So, what should we do now?

Deuterium Boy
You tell me. Chuck War and Lola are waiting downstairs in the War Rig.

Hydrogen Guy
Well... the Cave's still under construction, and Parker's probably got it watched... okay, I guess it's the Switch Point. We still have to nail Goodfellow and find out what Oberon wants with this town.

Running deep beneath British Columbia's Lower Mainland are the Hydrogen Ducts, the Covalent Crusader's high-speed pressurized transportation network. One could disappear down a hole at the Starbucks at 203rd and Lougheed and pop up minutes later at the Peace Arch, or go from the SFU Pub to the Hydrogen Cave to the Lion's Gate Bridge, and back again if you forgot the picnic basket or your neutron disruptor.

The Switch Point is the locus of the system, a chamber buried far beneath Coquitlam Centre, where the status of the whole network is monitored by the Hydrogen Computer's satellite mainframes. Any maintenance is either by hand in the chamber or by miniature robot drones dispatched from here. It gets its name from the fact that six major ducts terminate here, so one can switch to locations not served directly by ducts, for example Golden Ears Park to Metrotown, or Abbotsford Airport to Harbour Centre, Vancouver.

During the long reconstruction of the Hydrogen Cave, the Switch Point has also served as the Diatomic Duo's temporary base of operations. And of course, in situations like this, it makes a convenient subterranean bolt-hole.

The tube from Dewdney Trunk and 224th whooshed to life, and four figures pop out in succession.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, home sweet home away from home. Fire up the satellite link, DB, I'll check our phone messages.

Deuterium Boy
Ten four, HG.

Lola
Jesus, if I wasn't trapped down here I'd swear to never go in one of those things again. I'd hate to see my hair right now.

Hydrogen Guy
It looks fine. Make yourself comfortable.

Chuck War
Hydrogen Ducts are an acquired taste. Hey, I like what you guys have done with the place.

Hydrogen Guy
Do you? It's amazing what some comfy chairs and a couple Escher prints can do. DB, we still need a kettle and a little fridge down here, maybe bring the spare espresso maker --

He picks up the red phone on the wall and dials the Hydrogen Voice Mail.

Hydrogen Guy
Message from Parker, big surprise there... incoherent message from Rob, ditto... my mother... your mother... Rob again... my mother again... hullo...

Deuterium Boy
What is it?

Hydrogen Guy
A Mr. X wants to meet us at midnight at the Pitt Meadows Airport, hanger eight... he mentions information about Amalgo NorthWest ... and Oberon.

Deuterium Boy
Could it be a sting?

Hydrogen Guy
That depends - I've a feeling you wouldn't have mentioned Oberon to Parker.

Deuterium Boy
I didn't. Faerie trap?

Hydrogen Guy
Who knows - swamp gas and pipe music is usually more their style. I'm curious though. We've got - let's see, 15 minutes. Up for it, DB?

Lola
Uh uh. I'm not letting the two of you out of my sight. Parker's orders. Take me instead, I've met with my share of anonymous sources.

Deuterium Boy
Fine then. Chuck and I'll stay behind and work the computer.

Hydrogen Guy
Spying for Parker and little investigative journalism, eh? Sounds like an ideal first date to me.

Pitt Meadows Airport is dark and quiet, a secondary field to MRI little used this late at night. Lola's Ford Escort pulls up in front of hanger 8. The bay door was open slightly, and light pours out from inside. She shuts off the engine and kills the headlights.

Hydrogen Guy
Romantic place to park.

Lola
Out.

They get out of the car. Hydrogen Guy leads the way into the hangar. Inside, piles of airplane parts, fiberglass stacked along the walls, a couple partly dismantled engines sit on the ground.

Hydrogen Guy looks around cautiously.

Hydrogen Guy
Mr. X?

Voice
Call me Light Throat.

A figure in a deep green trench-coat and dark suit steps out from behind the fiberglass. He is tall and thin, blond like Goodfellow, with delicate facial features.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, a Faerie who makes cultural references.

Light Throat
Who's she?

Hydrogen Guy
My keeper.

The thin man walks slowly towards them.

Light Throat
What I'm going to say doesn't leave this hangar. You may tell Deuterium Boy, no one else.

Hydrogen Guy
Understood.

He looks at Lola.

Lola
Okay. Whatever you say.

Hydrogen Guy
You are Tuatha De Dannan, aren't you?

Light Throat
That's right. I was riding with Deuterium Boy for a while the night of the Hunt. That's when I made my decision to come to you.

Lola
Wait, you mean you're claiming to be a fairy?

Light Throat
I prefer the name Tuatha De Dannan, or elf if you must...

Lola
Aren't you a little big for a fairy? I always thought they were, you know, pint-sized. Flitting through the lilies on pixie dust and all that...

Light Throat
If you cannot be serious...

Hydrogen Guy
We're perfectly serious. Lola, keep quiet.

Lola
Who --

Hydrogen Guy
Keep. Quiet.

They lock eyes. At last she shrugs her capitulation. Hydrogen Guy turns back to the thin man.

Hydrogen Guy
It's your show, Light Throat.

He gestures for them to follow him. He leads them over to an empty workbench at the far side of the room. He reaches beneath it, pulls out a battered suitcase, and places it on the bench. He adjusts his tie, clears his throat, and begins to speak.

Light Throat
It's all about Otter's Dike. Let me start at the beginning. Why I'm doing this.
Forty years ago, concern over the effect humans were having on the natural world reached a critical stage. Many among us felt that unless rapid action was taken, you would reduce the world to a wasteland.

Hydrogen Guy
And now forty years later, it's begun?

Light Throat
A very short time in our country. Oberon's plan is to begin waging war on you with your own weapons - cruelty and money and human-style deceit. Otter's Dike is one of the first beach heads. But many of us, too young to remember the horrors of the Christian conversions, disagreed with Oberon's war. We feel that if we open contact with humans --

Hydrogen Guy
But Oberon says there's too much fear and mistrust.

Light Throat
On both sides.

Hydrogen Guy
He's probably right. Humanity can't handle contact with aliens yet, whether from space or from the faerie lands.

Light Throat
But I know that war and conspiracy is not the answer.

Hydrogen Guy
Hence we meet in darkened hangars... all right, why Otter's Dike?

Light Throat took a deep breath.

Light Throat
How much do you know about Otter's Dike?

Hydrogen Guy
I know somebody saw an otter there once.

Light Throat
It was one of the first dikes to be built by settlers in the Pitt Polder. In fact, part of it pre-dated European settlement - a mound of earth that was incorporated into the dike.
In the 1930's, a young boy found some bones and part of a skull near the original mound. Heavy rains and flooding that spring had left them exposed. The local school teacher had never seen anything like them. He gave them to the town museum, whose curator took them to the University in Vancouver, where experts were called from the United States. By the time these experts arrived, the bones had been conveniently lost. The boy later started having fits and spent the rest of his life in an institution, where he died in 1968 from electroshock complications.

Hydrogen Guy
Interesting story.

Light Throat
Otter's Dike has been a passage point for hundred of years. The native Katzie spirits once used it. But not until the bones were found did we know why.

Hydrogen Guy
You're saying it was a faerie burial site? I wasn't aware the Tuatha left bones. Or died, for that matter.

Light Throat
It's one of our many secrets, one that we desperately needed to protect. This is what we believe happened. The Vikings were the first Europeans in North America. They settled briefly in Newfoundland in the 11th century...

Hydrogen Guy
Right, the Anse-aux-Meadows site.

Light Throat
Wherever humans go, we follow. Each land the Europeans settled, the faerie traveled along, unseen. We'll probably go into space with you one day too, if you choose to settle there.

Hydrogen Guy
So you mean that Norse faerie came to North America with Leif Erikson.

Light Throat
Trolls, we think, dressed as men. When the Norsemen left, they stayed behind for some reason, and kept moving west. We think they eventually reached the Pacific via the Fraser River.

Hydrogen Guy
And the trolls are buried at Otter's Dike.

Light Throat
Five, maybe six. We're really not sure what happened, and it is against our beliefs to exhume the mound.

He turns to the suitcase, flips the lock, and opens it. Inside is an ancient femur, a few fragments of rib, and most of a skull. The face and upper jaw are intact, making it easily recognizable.

Light Throat
When they realize these are missing, I will be joining them in the afterlife.

Hydrogen Guy stares at the skull. He sifts through what he knows of ancient man in his mind, then with a shock realizes the remains are identifiable. Lola looks on, puzzled, but beginnings of understanding appearing in her eyes.

Hydrogen Guy
These are... Norse trolls, you say? Modern?

Light Throat
No more than a thousand years old. Beneath the glamour you see before you, I am the same.
I think you understand the importance of Otter's Dike. Why it had to be held first on this continent, at any cost. There are other sites like this around the world, but none so near civilized areas. If what you see before you were discovered and the connections made, the entire faerie kingdom might be laid bare.

Hydrogen Guy
You're being paranoid. There's no way a connection could be made. No sane anthropologist would connect these with faeries.

Light Throat
But it would raise questions. How did he --

He indicates the bones.

Light Throat
-- arrive in North America hundreds of thousands of years after his kind was supposed to have vanished? And then, we're sure there are artifacts - weapons, jewelry, clothing... Somehow or other, everything would change.

He shuts the case and lifts it off the bench.

Light Throat
I've armed you with what you need. Confronting them is all it will take to turn them back. They will keep trying, but for now you will buy your species some time.

Hydrogen Guy
Thank you. And you... will I hear from you again?

Light Throat
Not likely. This case will sink into the sea tonight, and it will not be alone. Good luck.

He turns and walks back into the shadows. Lola and Hydrogen Guy wait until they know he is gone, back into his own country by secret ways.

Hydrogen Guy
So do you believe in faeries now?

Lola
I don't know... I'm not sure what actually happened. Those bones - are they ... ?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. I'm no anthropologist, but... I'm pretty sure. You and I, Lola, now know more about the history of the human species than any other mortal on Earth. You realize that if you were to publish this, we'd both be killed, or end up like that kid who found the bones.

Lola
I wouldn't be allowed to print it anyway.

Hydrogen Guy
Most truths are like that. C'mon, let's get back to Deuterium Boy.

Meanwhile, back at the Switch Point...

Deuterium Boy
Computer, initialize secure link, code DB-lambda-seven.

Computer
Separatist trauma, level two. Announcing brick bats, three feet and dropping... PHLORT! BLURP! BOOP!

THWACK!

Computer
Bad permissions code; user "DB" not diagonalized. Would you like to reformat drive C:/ ?

Deuterium Boy
I hate you, Milkman Dan.

Computer
Who's a pretty kernel, then? Who's a pretty kernel?

Chuck War
I hope the contractor who put the Ducts in was more reliable than the one who linked the Hydrogen Computer network.

Deuterium Boy
It's always like this. I think Doug's been into it... Holy McCauly Caulkin! Doug! We forgot all about him in the excitement!

The Usual Coffee Shop. Doug lies slumped on the counter, his rubbery fingers wrapped around an espresso cup. Hungarian folk dancers cavort in the background.

Java Serf
Look, buddy, I don't care how much the zebra bet you, you're cut off! No more espresso!

A chicken flies squawking past his head. He ducks and goes back to washing his mugs.

Java Serf
Goddamn rubber skeletons.

Doug
*gurgle*

Deuterium Boy
Oh well, how much trouble can he get into? He's dead and made of rubber, right?

WHOOSH! POP!

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! What happened, where's Lola?

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! Thank Einstein I found you. What about Lola? Where is she?

Deuterium Boy
That's what I'm asking you! She left with you to meet the informant half an hour ago!

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost! Deuterium Boy, that wasn't me! That was a changeling, a faerie double! I've been Oberon's prisoner since the Hunt!

Deuterium Boy
What?!

Hydrogen Guy
Once you were out of sight, they ambushed me. I've spent the past few days in a faerie dungeon. Somebody released me about an hour ago, I don't know why.

Deuterium Boy
Then the Hydrogen Guy who attacked the Mayor of Pitt Meadows...

Hydrogen Guy
WHAT? Great Feynman's Ghost, DB, it was the changeling! I figured out the Mayor and the two councilors had also been replaced, but I'd never do anything that insane!

Chuck War
Holy Doppelgangers!

Deuterium Boy
You said it, Chuck. Lola Lakefront-Property's in grave danger!

Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil, glowing pale green with imminent danger, from its platinum sheath.

Hydrogen Guy
Precisely! Quick, DB, to Otter's Dike! It's the key to this whole mess - if he took her anywhere, he took her there! I only hope we can make it before it's...

All
Too Late!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, stay here and keep an ear out! Call Parker and have him meet us at the dike in forty minutes.

Chuck War
Right, HG!

The Diatomic Duo leap into action! They dive for the Hydrogen Ducts and disappear.

Chuck War turns to the red phone, when suddenly another set of ducts starts rattling and --

WHOOSH! POP! POP!

He dives for his Argon Blast Cannon, and levels it at the interloper.

Chuck War
Lola, get back! You stay where you are, changeling!

Lola
What?

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, what are you talking about?

Chuck War
Nice try, Paco, but Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy just left for Otter's Dike. Now back away from Ms. Lakefront-Property, slowly.

Hydrogen Guy does as Chuck War orders.

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck - listen to me, I am Hydrogen Guy. The other guy you say left with Deuterium Boy - if they went to the dike, he was probably the changeling...

Chuck War
If that's true, what was he doing with the Ruler of Elendil?

Hydrogen Guy glances down to the platinum sheath on his belt. The Ruler is still there.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know, it must have been a faerie weapon...

Chuck War
You're not going to talk your way out of this. Kiss your clay ass goodbye, changeling...

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck! Wait! Remember the first time we met - at the CD store before I became Hydrogen Guy?

Chuck War
That's classified information.

Hydrogen Guy
Right! And there's no way a changeling could know that, right? They're just cheap clay copies --

Chuck War
They could have read your memory and written it into the changeling's with tech Amalgo bought off-planet.

Hydrogen Guy
You were chasing those two Outsiders, I was looking for "Man of La Mancha" in the soundtrack aisle. You were wearing a blue and red Hawaiian shirt and the brass ammo belt your dad gave you...

Chuck War
This is a really old trick, y'know, and I'm not falling for it.

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, Chuck! We've only been working together for six years! Can't you tell the difference between me and some god-damned clay puppet? Cut me some slack here!

They regard each other, Chuck War with suspicion, Hydrogen Guy with simmering anger. Lola's eyes dart from one to the other nervously.

Hydrogen Guy
For Einstein's sakes, in the last two days Parker's issued a warrant for my arrest, Deuterium Boy's chewed me out for a solid forty-five minutes, I've been brain-washed by faeries, and now I'm standing here trying to convince you not to blow me away! Is there a reason why everyone's against me?!!

Chuck War lowers the barrel of the ABC.

Chuck War
I don't think there's a changeling who can feel sorry for himself quite the way Hydrogen Guy can. Come on, we're going to Otter's Dike.

Hydrogen Guy
Terrific. Saved by being self-absorbed.

Chuck War points with the gun towards the Hydrogen Ducts.

Chuck War
You first. No funny stuff - you're still on probation. If you do turn out to be the changeling, I can blow you away in a heartbeat.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm touched.

Chuck War
Ms. Lakefront-Property, you follow me. HG, you first.

Hydrogen Guy
I only hope we're not... Too Late!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Chuck War
We did that already.

Hydrogen Guy
Damn.

Early morning on Pitt Polder. The full moon is hanging low in the west. Dew on the toadstools in the faerie circle sparkles in the moonlight.

Hydrogen Guy #1 and Deuterium Boy appear in the distance, hiking in from the road.

Deuterium Boy
I don't see anyone out here.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Wait until we reach the dike.

Coming upon Otter's Dike, they once again hear the piping of a flute. This time the tune is more modern - a bebop ode to anticipation. As they approach, a shadow reveals itself to be the seated Puck, playing the instrument. The heroes draw their swords.

Deuterium Boy
Puck! The game is up, faerie!

Puck
Ho hey! Deuterium Boy has come to play! The game has just begun anew; and here we have not one - but two!

Three more figures have appeared in the distance, approaching from the road. As they draw nearer, we see they are Chuck War, Lola Lakefront-Property, and Hydrogen Guy #2.

The newcomers halt twenty meters from the others. Chuck War raises his plasma cannon, covering both Hydrogen Guys. Chuck War, Lola and Deuterium Boy each seem taken aback by the sight of two hostile Hydrogen Guys. Both have drawn their Rulers. Puck looks on with a mischievous gleam.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Guten nacht, mein doppelganger.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Ditto. No pun intended.

He looks at Puck.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Quite a nice piece of work, Puck. Superior to the other changelings I'd guess.

Hydrogen Guy #1
I'd say the same of you. Of course, how could he go wrong with such a fetching subject?

Number 2 ignores him.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Changeling technology's come a long way since Darby O'Gill. Pirated off-planet nano-components, maybe? There's gotta be more than just old country so here.

Puck
Might be! Might be! Why not take it for a test drive?

Hydrogen Guy #1
Gladly...

He attacks, the two Rulers glancing off one another in a flurry of rapid blows. Number 1 pushes Number 2 back almost to Chuck War's position, then is himself forced back by a counter-offensive from Number 2. He leaps back, narrowly avoiding a mortal slash to his right shoulder. Deuterium Boy fingers his sabre but hangs back. Likewise, Chuck War holds his ABC steady, ready to plug either one if needed.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Very poor imitation of my style, Puck. This one fights like he learned swordplay from "Star Wars".

Hydrogen Guy #2
Oh, and you don't, huh?

Deuterium Boy
Actually, HG, you've always --

Hydrogen Guy [both]
Shut up, DB.

Puck giggles. The two Hydrogen Guys continue fighting.

Hydrogen Guy #2
So?

Hydrogen Guy #1
Mother's maiden name.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Berg.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Ah, but her father changed it from Fugelberg when he immigrated.

Hydrogen Guy #2
True enough. Grade 10 locker combination?

Hydrogen Guy #1
35-10-32. Last woman to turn you down for a date.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Caryn McCormick. Reason given?

Hydrogen Guy #1
Going to Seattle for dental surgery.

Hydrogen Guy #2
Thursday's socks.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Morning or afternoon?

Hydrogen Guy #2
Afternoon. Civilian wear.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Trick question. Green, both with the brown suit and in costume.

Hydrogen Guy #2
I wore the GREY suit on Thursday!

He launches himself at Number 1 with renewed fury, driving him back all the way to the dike. Hydrogen Guy #1 stumbles, and lands with his back against the dike. Hydrogen Guy #2 moves in for the kill but is stopped short by the blade of his opponent's Ruler.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Just seeing if you were paying attention. En garde!

He kicks Number 2 away and launches himself after him. They circle one another, then Number 1 attacks again. This time the blows are the fiercest, the parries the narrowest; each is determined to finish the fight here. Within a minute Number 2 once again has Number 1 against the dike. Hydrogen Guy #2 swings his killing blow - Number 1 raises his Ruler to ward off the blow - and it splits in two, each half fragmenting into chunks of dried bark!

Hydrogen Guy #2
Checkmate. Nothing matches good old Damascus oak.

He holds the true Ruler of Elendil, glowing blue in the moonlight, to the changeling's throat. An inhuman grin stretches across its face, and its arm lengthens and grabs Hydrogen Guy by the throat. The hand has become like a claw, the outer skin flaking off from the transformation, showing hardened clay underneath.

Pushing away from the dike, it shoves the struggling Hydrogen Guy back in a strangle hold. His breath choked off, Hydrogen Guy is unable to gather the strength needed to transmute into gas and slip from the creatures grasp.

The changeling glares at Chuck War.

Hydrogen Guy #1
Hold your fire, Chuck. I can kill him before you flex your trigger finger.

THWUCK!

The changeling's face contorts as Deuterium Boy's blade pokes through its chest. There is a muffled crack, and the creature disintegrates into a pile of earth. Hydrogen Guy collapses to the ground, gasping for breath and rubbing his bruised throat.

Deuterium Boy sheaths his blade.

Deuterium Boy
Actually, you did wear the brown suit on Thursday.

Hydrogen Guy
Did I? Oh. I guess you're right.

Puck
[laughing and applauding] Bravo! Bravo! A magnificent scene!

Chuck War swings around and fires two shots at Puck, who suddenly is ten feet to the left of where Chuck thought he was.

Puck
Ah, Hydrogen Guy. You've beaten the toy but are losing the war. Ours is a deeper magic than yours. All of this country is ours now, and it is only the beginning!

Hydrogen Guy
I think you're wrong, Puck.

He gets to his feet, waving off Deuterium Boy's help.

Hydrogen Guy
Knowledge is power, and I know the whole story.

Puck
Oh really? Do tell.

Hydrogen Guy
First, Otter's Dike's power comes from the fact that it's a rare Tuathan burial site. Remains wee found here sixty years ago, and the faerie acted pretty quickly to have them and those who saw them hidden away.

Puck
Is that so?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, and do you know why, my dear Robin Goodfellow?

Puck
Say on.

Hydrogen Guy
Let me tell you a story. Thirty thousand years ago, give or take, two species of the genus Homo lived in Europe. The Neanderthals, the older breed, and the young upstart Cro-Magnon. For decades, anthropologists have argued about whether the Cro-Magnon hunted the Neanderthal to extinction, or absorbed them by interbreeding. At any rate, there are no more Neanderthals, are there?

Puck
No.

Hydrogen Guy
No. Or are there? Ideas have changed about the Neanderthal. They're no longer viewed as primitive brutes. They buried their dead in elaborate ceremonies, made tools far more sophisticated than their Cro-Magnon cousins, maybe they were even capable of speech. Some scholars and science fiction writers have suggested they might have had a more "mental culture" than the physical culture of the Cro-Magnon. And why not? Their brain capacity was larger than modern man's.

Puck
Speculation.

Hydrogen Guy
Definitely. Now imagine what I thought when somebody showed me the skull of a Neanderthal found at Otter's Dike sixty years ago - they never came to North America, by the way - that was less than one thousand years old.
I could do quite a bit of speculating. I could speculate that the Neanderthal's mental culture flourished as the Cro-Magnon's physical culture did. That with their greater brain mass they had more developed mentalic powers. Telepathy supplemented crude spoken language. Telekinesis replaced the wheel. Maybe - still speculating, of course, they learned to alter the thoughts of less-developed hominids, changing how the other perceived them. Like the faerie glamour. Maybe they learned to hide themselves from the Cro-Magnon and their descendants altogether --

Puck
Lies! You are LYING!

Hydrogen Guy
-- so that today, the Neanderthal, or Tuatha de Dannan, or Faerie, as you will, inhabit a completely separate world from that of we mere Cro-Magnon. A mentalic world of their own creation. A deeper magic than the physical world we created for ourselves.

Puck is seething with anger. His shape appears to grow huge and dark before them. Lola steps back in terror, the others blanche at the horror rising up before them. Only Hydrogen Guy stands calmly where he is, still talking, convincing himself that what he senses is all in his mind.

Hydrogen Guy
There's still quite a bit of misunderstanding between Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon. You see, if you try and invade our world, there might be some who would seek out and invade your world. I know some who could find it, now that we know how to look, and who we're looking for.

Puck's form looms over him. Then, slowly at first, it begins to dwindle again, shrinking back to human proportions. Or nearly so - he appears mortal, but his head is a bit strangely shaped, with a lower than average shape to the brow. His eyebrows appear to have ridges beneath them. His body is more heavily set, his whiskers thicker. As Puck sits back down on the dike, Hydrogen Guy wonders whether he is finally seeing Puck as he truly is, or if this is just another glamour...

Puck
But, as you said, there are no more Neanderthals, are there?

Hydrogen Guy
No. Just as there are no more Cro-Magnon.

Puck
What do you propose?

Hydrogen Guy
I would say that Otter's Dike belongs to the Tuatha de Dannan, in perpetuity. As do any truths that may lie in the past.

Puck nods.

Puck
And the rest of the physical world belongs to mortal man. For now.

Hydrogen Guy
Until we're done with it, or it's done with us, I'd say.

Puck
For now. Be cautious, mortal, this planet may wash itself of your kind yet.

Hydrogen Guy nods. A moment later Puck is gone, and nothing sits on the dike but shadows. At least to their eyes.

Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, Chuck War and Lola Lakefront-Property stand alone.

Deuterium Boy
So does that seal the Treaty of Otter's Dike?

Hydrogen Guy
It seems so. I think in the near future we'll see Amalgo NorthWest's withdrawal from the municipal affairs of Pitt Meadows. As well as a stop to their off-planet activities.

Chuck War
For now.

Hydrogen Guy
For now.

He sighs.

Hydrogen Guy
Come on, kids, we'd better head into town and try to straighten things out with Parker.

The four turn and start back towards the road. In the quiet left behind, a breeze plays around the undergrowth surrounding the dike. If sometimes the wind in the grass and the brush, and the call of the birds in the early dawn, sounded something like someone playing the blues on a faerie flute, perhaps that isn't so farfetched.

Nah.

[fade to black, roll credits]