Episode 49

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part VII - "Collisions"

Georges and Kentaro walk into the house just past nine o'clock Saturday morning. Camus is there, draped in a terrycloth bathrobe, and giving the two revelers a world-class glare.

Kentaro
'Morning, Camus.

Camus
Nice of the two of you to stop by. Now that we've satisfied our baser instincts, maybe we can move on to fixing the royal mess Georges's stooges have made, hm?

Georges
Eh?

Kentaro
Whoa. What's the matter, Camus, wake up on the wrong side of the stable this morning?

Camus
Shut your beak. I'm talking about the Seds deal, Georges --

Georges
Aw, tabernac'! I told you he would start in on this...

Camus
First of all, why weren't you watching it? I was under the impression you could conceal yourself in a cockroach's shadow in the Nevada desert at high noon, surely you could have found a corner of the warehouse --

Georges
I had other things going on at the time.

Camus
More important than this weapons deal?! Dammit, Georges, you knew how important this was to our plans --

Georges
What good would it have done? Besides, what does it matter now? What's done is done. The Awks went in, bang bang bang, there's twelve dead Seds in southwest Haney. It's the same in the end, isn't it?

Camus
And what are the Seds going to hit back with, Georges, spitwads?! A gang war needs balance if it's going to last. Not to mention that all the groundwork we've spent the last two months laying with Heinegarten's weapons syndicate has gone to hell in a hand basket!

As the other two fight, Kentaro shrugs off his coat, tosses it on a chair and wanders into the kitchen. A few minutes later he returns with a can of pop.

Kentaro
There are other weapons dealers, Camus...

Camus
The second thing is, in the future if something goes wrong, you phone me. I do not want to hear about it through Kentaro.

Georges bears his teeth and gives Camus a look as if he was about to go for his throat.

Georges
And why shouldn't I call Kentaro? I was to understand we are all partners in this thing, not your employees, "Camus". And while we correct one another, in the future I would like it if you left my side of the operation to me.

Camus
Well, it hasn't done much good so far, has it?

Georges
Oh yeah? And you handled Myron and Eddie with such great success, too!

Camus
For Christ's sake, Georges, those two could've screwed up picking their own noses!

Georges takes a step closer to him, so if they were the same height they would be nose to nose.

Georges
If you'd let me handle it, I would have gone after the money myself instead of leaving it to them! From now on, you deal with the suits, I deal with the streets, like we agreed in the beginning!

Kentaro
Whoa, whoa, whoa... back in your corners, boys.

He pulls himself out of his chair, and steps up to them. Putting a hand on each of their shoulders, he gently separates them.

Kentaro
Let's step back a minute from calling each other screw-ups, okay? We have the cops chasing their tails, and we're well on our way to locking down the MR underworld and doubling our gross take. That makes us all happy, right? Not only that, most of the local BP backers have either bailed or switched to Octan. That makes Mama Corp happy, and the old man's gonna love us. You see guys? It's all that united we stand, divided we fall bullshit. Let's not sour the milk, okay?

Georges
Anyone ever tell you it's a bad idea to break up a dog fight, bird-brain?

Kentaro
Just don't go biting Camus on the leg, okay? If you do and it gets infected we'll have to shoot him.

He slaps him on the back.

Georges
I make no promises.

Camus
Har har... we can talk about this later, Georges, when we're both in a better mood.

Georges waves his hand dismissively and sinks into his favourite chair. Kentaro resumes his seat and puts his feet up on the coffee table.

Camus
Speaking of the old man...

Kentaro
I talked to him 'bout an hour ago. He's arriving in a couple hours, and we're set to meet at the garage at three.

Camus
Perfect. And speaking of Eddie, Georges, did you find out who has the money before you killed him?

Georges
An ice-cream man. Norman Kay. I got the number of his truck, too.

Kentaro
Lemme take care of it, Georges. I'm getting bored just standing behind Camus in video conferences.

Georges
Be my guest.

Kentaro
I'll take care of it today, and I'll meet you two at the garage. I have some stuff to pick up at my other place, too... Can I leave you two alone without you killing one another?

Camus
Yes, mother dear, we'll play nicely. Now I'll excuse myself from any further smart-ass remarks, and go out back for a run.

The Hydrogen Cave - the Chemical Camelot, command centre for the Diatomic Duo's campaign of Justice! And a good place to kick back in a Lay-Z-Boy with a hot chocolate and let your brain rot watching Canadian television. This is Hydrogen Guy's chosen activity for the morning, as he recovers from another long night on the front lines and steels himself to deal with the progress of science. Deuterium Boy, meanwhile, has parked himself in front of the Deuterium PC and is engaged in playing the latest object of his affections, "Tribal StarStrike Tournament II: Ultimate Illusion".

Hydrogen Guy
I don't understand how you can be doing anything right now that requires hand-eye coordination.

Deuterium Boy
Open your heart to the divine truth of Carffee, and you too shall know inner peace. Or at least a buzz good enough to last till noon.

Hydrogen Guy
If I were any closer to inner peace I'd be in Nirvana. I feel like all the bones in my arms have turned to gummi worms. I can't even muster the energy to stretch two feet and grab the remote, so I'm stuck watching CTV's God-awful morning show. I'm really beginning to understand what it's like to be Doug.

The diminutive rubber skeleton - the Diatomic Duo's sensai who channels the spirit of an alien Zen Master and astrophysicist - lies sprawled face-up across the top of the television.

Doug
*gurgle*

Deuterium Boy
Don't kid yourself. If you had all that, and had impossibly beautiful women clustering around you, then you might come close to understanding Doug... Yes! Got the anti-mass driver...

... trouble, despite extra incentives from British Petroleum. The loss of several of the BP pipeline's key backers in BC has called the future of the plan into question. Meanwhile, the rival pipeline supported by a coalition headed by Danish energy giant Octan appears to be gaining momentum. Octan Trustee Jonas Sanders is scheduled to meet BC Premier Gordon Campbell, Yukon Premier Pat Duncan and Alaskan Governor Tony Knowles in Maple Ridge this morning --

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, the eternal lure of black gold. Or texas tea, if you will.

Deuterium Boy
It's a natural gas pipeline, not crude petroleum.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, yeah, but "green gold that smells like farts" isn't nearly as poetic.

Deuterium Boy
Since when have "The Beverly Hillbillies" been poetic?

Hydrogen Guy
Just shut up and play your game, okay?

-- announcement that the coalition will be insuring the project through the Insurance Corporation of British Columbia.

Campbell
It's great news for the BC economy, it'll bring in hundreds of millions in revenue into the province, create hundreds of jobs... and maybe we can finally dispel the old fiction that ICBC is just an evil corporation trying to take over the world.

Meanwhile, in San Francisco, an arrest was made yesterday in the high-profile murder of an EPA assessment agent involved with the two pipelines. Prominent SFPD man-hunter Lambert Jefferson presented the suspect to reporters...

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Hydrogen Guy springs to attention. A surprisingly familiar face has appeared on the television screen, in the centre of a scrum of reporters and a police guard.

Hydrogen Guy
It's one of those two guys who were trying to kill Norman yesterday, at the Jade Dragon!

Deuterium Boy
The same ones we chased on that drug-lab hit on Wednesday?

Hydrogen Guy
The short one... Myron...

-- history of violent environmental activism. Agent Jefferson -- pardon me, that should be Agent Jefferson Lambert --

Hydrogen Guy
That's what you get for having two last names.

-- admits to have been instrumental in the arrest.

Lambert
There are no doubts in my mind that he's the man responsible. I was personally present when he made his confession, and he was able to confirm several ideas that I and the force had about the crime. It's an open and shut case.

EPA officer John Doh, 43, was murdered in his San Francisco apartment Wednesday night --

Hydrogen Guy
That's impossible. Myron committed a murder on Wednesday night, that's for sure, but it was a weed grower in east Hammond, not an EPA pencil pusher in San Francisco.

Deuterium Boy
That's a pretty quick turn around, isn't it? The MRPD throw him in a paddy wagon yesterday morning and then four hours later he's confessing to Jackson Latoya or whatever his name is...

Hydrogen Guy
This has "Huge Friggin' Clue" painted all over it in big red letters, but I'm too tired to think straight...

Any semblance Hydrogen Guy has of a train of thought derails as the super-secret Hydrogen Phone chirps for attention. Deuterium Boy pauses his game and jumps to answer it.

Deuterium Boy
Hai! ... Chuck, lemme put you on the speaker phone...

Chuck War
Hey, guys.

Hydrogen Guy shuts off the TV.

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck, how does a thug from Maple Ridge turn into an environmental extremist from San Francisco?

Chuck War
Too much tofu? Damned if I know. Listen, Druid came through on two out of three of our Chimera's heads. I'm faxing you the stuff now...

Hydrogen Guy pulls himself out of the chair and meets Deuterium Boy at the Hydrogen Computer's "Out" slot, which is spewing forth laser-printed images.

Chuck War
Okay... photo number one, the real ugly guy.

Deuterium Boy
Yeesh, no kidding...

The grainy black and white picture shows a man in his late thirties, dark suit with lighter pinstripes, climbing out of a car. His hair is short in a military brush cut; his nose looks as if it's been broken several times.

Chuck War
Georges Chouinard, Gulf War special forces vet, spent some time as a mercenary in Bosnia about five years ago, I don't know for which side. Apparently vanished without a trace around late '98, and hasn't been seen in public since, though rumour has it he's been a "security consultant" for the Hell's Angels in Québec. Also some really, really strange stories from some Sherbrooke prostitutes about a guy with a burlap sack over his head...

Hydrogen Guy
Didn't need to hear that, thanks, Chuck.

Chuck War
Pages two through five are his juvvie records... Photo number two...

Hydrogen Guy
Number two.

Deuterium Boy
Number two, number two...

Hydrogen Guy
Numero deux.

Deuterium Boy
Okay...

A slightly better quality picture shows a young Japanese man in expensive name-brand clothes, walking down a city street with a girl on each arm. Signs behind him in Japanese establish the setting.

Chuck War
Kentaro Ishida, the Yakuza's answer to an army brat. His dad is high up in the organization; spent some time in Hong Kong, Tokyo, San Fran, Vancouver...

Hydrogen Guy
San Francisco, eh? Any hint he's been offing EPA inspectors?

Chuck War
What? No, they caught that guy, didn't you hear?

Deuterium Boy
No, they didn't. Go on.

Chuck War
Anyway, early in '99, same story as Chouinard - seemed to drop off the face of the Earth. Maybe walled up in some Yak hideaway learning the family business, Druid can't say. One thing he did say that was kind of interesting... somebody from out West recently pulled in his CIA file. That requisition order was actually the first lead the D-man got...

Hydrogen Guy
Who pulled the file?

Chuck War
Dunno. Druid said the authorization form looked like some kind of bad joke, and he didn't believe it was genuine. I'll take his word for it.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, we have some names and faces... I notice that photo number three is missing.

Chuck War
Right. Try as he could, Druid came up blank on the guy called "Camus". Closest he could get was a guy who used that name as an alias in a grades-buying ring at one of the Ivy League schools a few years ago, but he couldn't get a positive ident.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, it's a start...

Deuterium Boy
Hey, how about that 100-acre wood thing? You getting anywhere with it? 'Cause we're not.

Chuck War
I had the GC satellite scan the provincial parks within 100 clicks of the city, no signs of unusual activity. I did find an anti-proton signature in Banff I'm gonna check out later, but I doubt that has anything to do with it...

Hydrogen Guy
Oh well. Good work, Chuck. I wish we were doing half as well in this crush as you are, instead we're barely keeping our heads above water...

Chuck War
Don't worry about it, you're doing all you can. This is a slow time for GC, anyway. Toong-nab nuts are in the off-season.

Deuterium Boy
I won't ask.

Chuck War
I couldn't tell you, anyway. Okay, I'm gonna check a few things out. I'll be in touch if anything more comes up.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Chuck.

Chuck War
War out.

Hydrogen Guy hits the switch and cuts the connection. He checks his watch.

Hydrogen Guy
We gotta roll in to the Institute pretty soon. Better get changed...

Deuterium Boy
Shit.

Hydrogen Guy
What?

Deuterium Boy
I just remembered, I forgot to retrieve those Deuterium-O-Rangs I threw during that weapons bust last night.

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, jeez, DB. I told you we couldn't get any more made until the cheque for the Hydrogen X-Ray Diffractometer cleared... You'll have to go get them.

Deuterium Boy
I don't remember where the warehouse is.

Hydrogen Guy rolls his eyes.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm going to spend the rest of my stinking LIFE in this costume! All right, I'll tell Biggs I'll be coming in late again; let's go...

Despite the fine weather, brisk business in the double-dipped cones department, and the absence of Big Li from his social circle, we find Norman Kay looking glumly at life. Ever since yesterday's traumatic events, he's wrestled with a dilemma: keep the $38,000 remaining from his wind-fall, and risk the possibility that more people will be willing to shoot at him for it, or do as Deuterium Boy urged and turn it into the police, leaving him financially back at square one.

He finally made up his mind as he handed a freckle-faced girl with an attractive mother and a lisp her Nutty Berry Frogurt Cluster. These simple things in life - smiling children, freckles, mothers in tank tops, Frogurt - would still be here without the money, but not if some plug ugly decided to perform a triple bypass on him with a pen-knife. He waits around a few minutes after the girl and her mother leave, then seeing that the neighborhood was tapped out, he rolls down the shutter on the window and prepares to head for the police station. Even so, he can't help but look wistfully at the bulging fanny pack hanging from the rear-view mirror.

As he makes sure the lids on are on all the tubs and the big can of sprinkles won't spill, a rapping on the side of the truck draws his attention. For a second, he fears that the woman in the pink jogging suit has tracked him down; but as he leans out the door, he's relieved to see only a young Japanese man with a peculiar stoop, wearing a long black coat.

Norman
Hey. What can I get you?

In a fluid motion, the man draws a Brigadier .45 from his coat and points it at Norman.

Kentaro
Fifty thousand dollars.

Despite yesterday's adventure, a blasé attitude towards guns pointing at him has yet to set in. Norman instinctively makes a dive for the safety of the back, but in a split second the man is in the truck with him and has him gripped tightly by the arm.

Norman finds himself with a stellar view of the gun's barrel.

Norman
Y-You're sure you don't just want a free cone? Unlimited scoops, the works...

Kentaro
Now.

His hands shaking, Norman pulls off the fanny-pack and hands it to him. Kentaro accepts the package without allowing his gun hand to waver.

Kentaro
Is it all here?

Norman
Thirty-eight thousand. B-Big Li took the rest. And there's a giant rabbit...

Kentaro
Forget about the rabbit. Okay, come on. We're going for a drive.

Norman
Huh?

Kentaro
Drive.

He pushes Norman into the driver's seat, and moves around behind him. He crouches down out of sight, keeping Norman covered. Norman starts the engine and pulls out onto the road.

Norman
Where are we going?

Kentaro
Waterfront. Keep to the speed limit, and no stopping for anything but reds and stop signs, got it?

Norman
Okay... Look, you've got the money. You don't need anything else from me.

Kentaro
Not that simple, Norman. Not including the $12,000 and the rabbit, you've cost us quite a bit. There's only one way for the organization to keep face in front of its competitors. You know what that means.

Norman
I write you a nice long letter of apology, change my name and move to Michigan?

Kentaro
'Fraid not.

Norman moans. Right decision, but too late. He resolves never to kick over another Porta-Potty as long as he lives. It's a resolution he doesn't think he'll have a problem keeping...

Deuterium Boy returns to the Tritium Truck to find Hydrogen Guy has fallen into a light doze. His partner wakes up with a start as he opens the door.

Hydrogen Guy
Wah?

Deuterium Boy
I found'em. They were embedded in the rafters, just like I thought.

Hydrogen Guy
Good. Now let's go... What? What are you waiting for?

Hydrogen Guy
What? No, I've been taking a nap.

Deuterium Boy
If I turn on the ignition and the windshield wipers come on...

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, would you grow up, I haven't done that since I was three years old...

Deuterium Boy
Oh, you were three years old last week, were you?

Hydrogen Guy
That's completely different. Y You know how mental Reaper gets about his Audi. It's hilarious... Okay, okay, physicist's honour, I didn't touch anything!

As Deuterium Boy starts the motor, something in the rear-view mirror catches his eye.

Deuterium Boy
When did that ice cream truck get here?

Hydrogen Guy
What ice cream truck?

He turns around and looks. The ice cream truck is parked two warehouses down, its nose pointed towards them.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know. It wasn't here when we drove up, was it?

Deuterium Boy
No. It looks like Norman's.

Hydrogen Guy
The guy from Big Li's?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah. He parks by the Beast all the time, I often stop and get a cone on the way to the subway. HG, let's go check it out.

Hydrogen Guy
We don't have time for ice cream.

Deuterium Boy
No, I feel like something's up. Why would anyone be selling ice cream around here? Come on...

He shuts off the engine and gets out of the truck. Hydrogen Guy sighs and follows him. They walk the few hundred meters to the truck. Deuterium Boy circles around it cautiously, then stops beside the driver's door. Hydrogen Guy comes up beside him, looking sleepy and disinterested.

Deuterium Boy
The keys are still in the ignition.

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe he's picking up some more ice-cream?

Deuterium Boy
Let's see what's in this warehouse...

Nearby, a door into the warehouse is ajar. Quietly, they slip inside.

The warehouse is empty, except for copious amounts of dust and two men. One is Norman Kay, embattled ice cream vendor. The other is Kentaro Ishida.

Upon arriving at the warehouse, Kentaro had pushed Norman inside and marched him to the middle of the large, empty space.

And then they waited.

After about thirty seconds of simply standing in the centre of the warehouse with Kentaro pointing a gun at him ...

Norman
Well?

Kentaro
You want me to shoot you?

Norman
Isn't that what we're here for?

Kentaro
You seem to be in a hurry to get this over with.

Norman
Look, I'm pretty realistic about this. Nobody knows where I am, nor I'm sure would anyone care, so the chances of anyone rescuing me are non-existent. You have a gun and want to shoot me. I don't particularly want to die, but I don't see any way I'm going to stop you from killing me.

Kentaro
That's a pretty bad attitude. C'mon, man, this is your life we're talking about here. Beg a little. Bargain with me.

Norman
I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

Kentaro
Make a pathetic attempt to wrestle the gun away from me, then.

Norman
Why, so you can shoot me in the face and say I died honorably?

Kentaro
I just hate to see you with this kind of attitude.

Norman
Quick, behind you!

He points, and Kentaro looks around. Norman grabs the gun and yanks it out of his hand. After a bit of fumbling, he points it at Kentaro with a triumphant cry. Without missing a beat, Kentaro turns around and draws a second gun from his other pocket.

Norman
Oh, come on!

Kentaro
I don't want to make it easy for you.

Norman
This is INSANE! Okay, we're at a standoff. So now, what, we stand here for the rest of the day? I can't believe you have time for this kind of stuff.

Kentaro
I don't think you'd have the guts to shoot me.

Norman
Maybe you're right.

Norman swings the gun in his hand for Kentaro's head. He ducks, then straightens and kicks the off-balance Norman's legs out from under him. He hits the ground hard on his back, the gun goes flying across the floor. Norman's head throbs. When he opens his eyes, he finds himself staring up at Kentaro's gun, his head aching from the impact.

Kentaro
That was a nice try, Norman. Good effort. Now I don't feel so bad about killing you. Enjoy your afterlife...

Norman squeezes his eyes shut and forms in his mind a half-coherent prayer to the closest available deity. He braces himself for the loud noise and sudden pain.

He gets them, but what he hears is not the gun shot, but a loud snap and Kentaro crying out. And the pain he feels is not a bullet piercing his skull, but something cold and heavy walloping him in the face.

He opens his eyes and sees Kentaro clutching his gun-hand in pain, a small trickle of blood running down his wrist. He's looking off to the left. Norman follows his gaze to see Deuterium Boy as he catches the returning Deuterium-O-Rang. Standing next to him is Hydrogen Guy, brandishing some kind of ruler.

Kentaro
Who the hell are you?!

Deuterium Boy
Deuterium Boy and Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Step away from the ice cream man, Ishida.

Kentaro makes a dive for Norman's ear, or rather the gun next to it. Norman rolls in the opposite direction and scrambles to his feet. He takes off to find someplace to hide as Kentaro starts firing.

Hydrogen Guy uses the Ruler of Elendil to deflect Kentaro's shots, relying on his super-atomic speed. Three very long nights, however, are beginning to get to him, and he finds some of the deflections a bit too close for comfort. Deuterium Boy hurls the Deuterium-O-Rang again, this time aiming for Kentaro's head. With a well-aimed shot Kentaro shoots it out of the air, then turns and runs.

Hydrogen Guy is in front of him in half a microsecond. Kentaro swings at him, Hydrogen Guy ducks and tackles him to the ground. They struggle briefly, then with surprising strength Kentaro throws him aside and struggles to his feet. Hydrogen Guy grabs at his trench-coat. Kentaro slips out of it, and Hydrogen Guy only catches a brief glimpse of the grey and white mass on his back before something heavy, soft, and slightly prickly knocks him to the ground.

Hydrogen Guy
OOF!

Deuterium Boy
Great Falcon of Horus!

Deuterium Boy stares stunned at Kentaro, almost forgetting to dodge as Kentaro fires at him. It's near enough, as he over-compensates at the last microsecond and slams into the side of the warehouse.

Hydrogen Guy gets to his feet and is as surprised as Deuterium Boy at the appearance of their opponent. Sprouting from Kentaro's back are a pair of giant, feathery wings. The plumage is mottled like a pigeon's. His eyes meet Hydrogen Guy's for a split second, then he turns and runs. By the time Hydrogen Guy responds, he's reached the opposite door of the warehouse, making a break for the riverside.

Hydrogen Guy tries for another atomic burst of speed, but his exhaustion denies him. He sprints across the warehouse and through the door, just in time to watch Kentaro leap off a dock, spread his wings and take to the air. He soars upwards, like some kind of turbo-charged hawk with an eighteen foot wingspan.

Deuterium Boy and Norman rush out of the warehouse and join Hydrogen Guy at the river's edge, as he watches Kentaro rapidly dwindle into a speck in the sky.

Deuterium Boy
Flew the coop, huh?

Hydrogen Guy
Now is not the time for gut-wrenching puns. You okay?

Deuterium Boy
Fine, but the wall back there has a big Deuterium Boy-shaped dent in it.

Norman
Did he have... wings?

Hydrogen Guy's eyebrows plunge to a point midway between his eyes. He turns and glares at Norman.

Hydrogen Guy
Norman, let me give you some advice. Go somewhere nice and safe, and stay there. I'm tired of accidentally saving your ass.

Norman
No arguments here.

On the trip back to the Hydrogen Cave, Hydrogen Guy broods. Deuterium Boy knows better than to interrupt; his parting words to Norman showed that he was in one of his tempestuous moods.

As he had hinted at earlier, Hydrogen Guy was frustrated over the whole Chimera, Inc. affair. Vague hints from Carl and the Druid had led him nowhere, and now the dramatic twin developments of Kentaro's mutation and Myron's appearance as Jackson Lambert's prisoner left his sleep deprived mind reeling. He's chastising himself for not being able to root out the problem faster, Deuterium Boy muses. Chimera had kept them run ragged the past week, too busy to really find out what was going on. And, although he certainly respected and appreciated Chuck War's work, he couldn't help but feel scooped. He expects that he should have anticipated these shots from left field on his own.

Deuterium Boy
Even Sherlock Holmes had his off days, you know.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but Watson never wrote those up, did he?

Deuterium Boy
He never had winged hit-men to deal with, either.

Hydrogen Guy grunts. Not a good sign, DB thinks, when he starts grunting.

When they arrive back at the Cave, they find Chuck War waiting for them with a huge grin on his face.

Chuck War
Saddle up, boys. We've got a raid on.

Hydrogen Guy
You'll never believe who - or, maybe I should say, what - we just ran into.

He quickly describes the essential points of their encounter with Kentaro. Chuck War raises his eyebrows nearly off his forehead.

Chuck War
He was fully human in those pics Druid sent me... Doesn't sound like any ET I'm familiar with.

Deuterium Boy
You'd know.

Hydrogen Guy
What's this about a raid?

Chuck War
SuperConductor and Gen X Man shook up some Seds this morning. They kindly divulged that they've been getting orders out of Duffy's Tires out on Maple Meadows Way. They've been dealing with a Mr. Johnson named Benny "Noseeum" Bartles, but apparently he gets his orders from Chouinard.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. Let's go.

Deuterium Boy
What about your computers?

Hydrogen Guy
Stuff the computers.

Deuterium Boy
Sleep?

Hydrogen Guy
Who needs sleep? There's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War. Let's ride, Chuck.

Camus
You let them SEE you?! What -- (He let them see the wings. He -- Right, I'll tell him.) Georges says you're a jackass, and for once I agree with him. What the HELL were you thinking?

Kentaro
Would you rather they caught me?

Camus
Where are you? Are you in the air now?

Kentaro
No, I'm in my car. I'm on the number 7 now. Remember I said I had to stop at the house before I came out to the meet? Don't worry, I had another coat in the trunk. The Boys are strapped back into place.

Camus
I'll pluck your Boys like a chicken. Did you get the money?

Kentaro
Yeah, everything the cops didn't scoop up at the Jade Dragon. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy got in the way before I could plug Norman, though.

Camus
And now they know your little secret. You'd better pray this doesn't come back to haunt you, Kentaro.

Kentaro
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm almost home. I'll be with you guys before the old man shows up... What the -- Camus, I gotta go. There's some kind of commotion in front of the house...

In the wake of San Francisco's pipeline-related murder, the MRPD and RCMP were taking no chances with Octan bigwig Jonas Sanders, closing off streets around the Maple Ridge Trade and Convention Centre at the drop of a peaked hat. Chuck War applauded their zeal, but vigorously cursed the ensuing traffic snarls, which even now, a couple hours after all the excitement was over, slows their progress to a crawl. Even turning the War Rig's siren up to eleven only improves the situation marginally.

Finally the snarl begins to melt away, and the War Rig struggles free. Maple Meadows Way lies right on the boundary between Maple Ridge and Pitt Meadows. The area is heavily blighted with strip-malls and car dealerships. Chuck War parks on the curb near Duffy's Tire - a run down building isolated from its neighbours by a vacant lots on either side - just out of the line of sight of anyone looking out a window from inside the shop.

Hydrogen Guy
What's the plan, Chuck?

Chuck War
Gimme a sec...

He punches at a set of controls above his head, positioning a pointer over the target garage on a green and white GPS schematic. He hits a button and a faint whoosh echoes from the back.

Chuck War
Just launches a little scout drone. About the size of a canary. It'll let us listen in on what's happening in there before we go in. I just gotta find the right target...

A red triangle on the schematic indicates the scout has reached the tire shop. He turns up the audio, and they listen to couple teenagers in the parking lot making plans for a party that weekend. Chuck grumbles and sends instructions to the drone to keep looking. After a couple more false starts, the drone's local positioning system informs them that it's picked up sound vibrations from off one of the tire shop's windows. They hear two voices in conversation...

Voice #1
Where the hell's Kentaro?

Voice #2
Maybe he found a girl at his little love nest, eh?

Voice #1
I'm not in the mood for jokes, Georges...

Hydrogen Guy
They're talking about Ishida.

Chuck War
The rough voice must be Chouinard, the other one called him "Georges".

Deuterium Boy
Jackpot...

Chuck War
Shush.

Voice #2
Camus, why don't you call him, if you're worried, eh?

Voice #1
I'll give him five minutes. The old man's not here yet. I suppose it doesn't matter if Kentaro's here or not, but I like to present a united front when meeting with shareholders.

They hear the sound of a door opening.

Voice #1
What's the word, Benny?

Voice #3
The old man's gonna be delayed another twenty minutes. The last meeting went overtime.

Voice #2
Nobody ever sticks to your schedules, Camus.

Voice #1
The old man can take all the time he wants, Georges. When he gets here, it'll be smiles all around.

Voice #2
You think he'll give us the green light for the ICBC's plan?

Voice #1
I can't see why not. The last few backers have shown themselves remarkably resistant to the old hard sell. If they see how, shall we say, insecure the BP project is, they'll buckle faster than one of Kentaro's dates. The old man can't help but see that.

Hydrogen Guy
Are they talking about the natural gas pipeline from Alaska?

Chuck War
Possibly. ICBC's insuring the Octan pipeline, right?

Deuterium Boy
You think they're planning something against the rival pipeline?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure sounds like it...

Voice #2
Oh yeah, but the old man, he likes the quiet pushes best, right? He may not like the big, violent approach.

Voice #1
Are my ears mistaking me, Georges, or are you actually arguing against the use of crude violence? What's next from you, picking bouquets of wild flowers with ribbons in your hair?

Voice #2
Pfah! I'm just saying, it is not a foregone conclusion that the old man will like the ICBC plan. I don't care, he doesn't like it, I say we do it anyway, but it might make life sticky for you, eh?

Voice #1
Oh and you'd hate that, I'm sure. Don't worry about me, Georges. We do nothing on that front until the old man gives us the nod. I want to do everything by the book.

Chuck War
Okay, I've heard enough. We know Chouinard and Camus are in there. I say we bust'em.

Hydrogen Guy
Should wait for Ishida and this "old man" they're expecting? Get the whole gang in one sweep.

Chuck War
Nah. The drone shows only three warm bodies in there now - Camus, Chouinard and Bartles. Three on three is better than three on five. We take them down, then nab the other two when they show.

Hydrogen Guy shrugs.

Hydrogen Guy
You're the expert.

Chuck War
You bet I am.

He unbuckles his seat belt and heads into the back of the cab, where he picks up his trusty Argon Blast Cannon and a couple extra sonic stun grenades.

Chuck War
Let's go. I'll lead.

Hydrogen Guy
Sure thing. Just leave some ass to kick for me. I have frustrations that need to be taken out on someone.

They clamber out of the rig, and the intrepid trio head cautiously for the back of the tire shop. Chuck War points out the drone nestled against a window near the back door, which leads into the shop's service bay. They head towards it. Chuck signals to HG and DB what to expect. They step out of the way, weapons drawn.

Chuck War aims the Argon Blast Cannon, silently counts three, and fires.

The door shatters like French pastry, and the three heroes dive into the room. Complete chaos erupts. The occupants of the service bay are startled but quick to react. Gunshots, plasma blasts and smoke fill the bay. Deuterium Boy throws up a shield of metallic deuterium (a metal which only exists at the tips of his nimble fingers) against the hail of bullets. Hydrogen Guy, temporarily blinded, just wades in and starts whacking at whatever comes to hand.

Someone takes a swing at him from nearby, and he instinctively whirls and wallops his attacker in the stomach, who tumbles to the ground at his feet. A rough-looking man with dark glasses - Benny "No-seeum" Bartles, Hydrogen Guy deduces. Suddenly, he finds himself being hauled up by the scruff of his cape and hurled out the door they had just come through. He hits the ground and skids.

Dazed, Hydrogen Guy shakes his head and sits up. Whoever threw him, he thinks, should try out for shot put -- he had landed nearly ten feet away from the door, and slid at least another three.

Hydrogen Guy
A wise guy, eh?

He gets to his feet, brushes himself clean of gravel, straightens his tie, and wades back into the fray. Benny "No-seeum" Bartles is just crawling to his feet as Hydrogen Guy walks back, and with nary a thought for fair play, HG brains him on the back of the head with an old oil can and shoves him out the door. He turns his attention to the others.

And for the first time gets a good look at the opposition. After seeing Kentaro he had been expecting something a little unusual -- but this...

Deuterium Boy was locked in mortal combat with some kind of humanoid dog. Its body and limbs seemed entirely hominid - and draped in what looked like a reasonably good suit, but from the shoulders up the creature was some kind of canine with a long tapered snout, pointed ears and dark colouring. It was hammering away physically at DB's shield with its hands and dangerous-looking teeth - and making shockingly good progress. It had one corner of the shield in its jaws and was tearing at the ultra-strong metal like an old soup bone. Deuterium Boy was trying to keep moving and, and get a Deuterium-O-Rang - or something - out of his Useful Things belt. His rapier lay in a tangled mess in one corner of the service bay.

Chuck War had taken up a position behind a stack of moldy tires, staying out of the way of his opponent's bullets and returning fire from the Argon Blast Cannon, dealing as best he could with a gunfight at close quarters. The other side of the equation was firing at Chuck with a .45, something which the ancient Greeks who first imagined centaurs would have found incongruous, to say the least. It was nearly nine feet tall, and the human torso was dressed in the upper half of a fairly expensive business suit. The equine portion, chestnut coloured and built like a war-horse, was unclothed and anatomically correct.

This, thinks Hydrogen Guy, is probably the first time I've been seriously worried by an opponent who isn't wearing pants.

The centaur notices his arrival and takes a couple shots at him. Being past the point where deflecting bullets with the Ruler is feasible, Hydrogen Guy dives for cover behind Chuck's tires.

Hydrogen Guy
I think we miscalculated.

Chuck War
It happens.

Hydrogen Guy
Scootch back for a sec, I'm gonna try something...

As Chuck War backs away from the pile of tires, Hydrogen Guy grabs one. He concentrates with the last reserves of his hydrogen powers to stir the atoms in the tire into a frenzy. The tire bursts into flames, and Hydrogen Guy flings it at the dog-man.

The flaming doughnut hits the creature hard in the midriff and knocking it away from Deuterium Boy. It yelps in pain and hurls the torus of flame off of it, and starts thrashing around, trying to put its clothes out. Deuterium Boy manages to pull his staple gun out of his belt, and fires blindly. One staple hits its mark and sinks into the dog-man's shoulder. He tenses, snarling and ready to spring at Deuterium Boy.

Just at this moment, Camus runs out of ammo. He hurls the empty gun aside, turns and lashes out with his hind legs at the service bay doors. A large section buckles and shatters, leaving a sizable hole. Another kick, and the hole becomes an exit.

Camus
Georges! Get out of here!

Camus ducks as he slips through the hole. Georges takes a quick glance at Deuterium Boy, then turns and runs.

Chuck War
Don't let them get away!

The three attackers take off after them. They emerge though the hole in the front doors just in time to watch Camus grab Georges with one hand and place him on his back. He bursts into a gallop and leaps out into the street, heading west.

Chuck War
We can catch them in the Rig! Come on!

He sprints for the War Rig.

Hydrogen Guy
Nothing fazes him, does it?

Deuterium Boy
I gotta cut down on the Carffee. The hallucinations are starting to get really bad...

They take off after Chuck. They reach the War Rig just as it starts to move out. Chuck War throws open the passenger door and they scramble inside.

Camus races across the vacant lot next to the tire shop, cuts across the lot of a Toyota dealership, and turns down a back alley. The War Rig barrels into traffic, causing some tense moments for a few drivers unprepared for a heavily armed travelling in the wrong direction. The Rig jumps onto the curb and into the alley, just in time to see Camus duck into the parking lot of a neighboring strip mall.

For the War Rig, the parking lot is a high stakes, high speed obstacle course. Chuck manages to maneuver it with only a few stray shopping carts as collateral damage. They watch as the centaur darts back onto Maple Meadows Way, join the flow of traffic heading north, and take off like a shot.

Deuterium Boy
What happened to the dog-man?

Hydrogen Guy
He must have disappeared in the alley. Looks like the centaur's determined to lead us on a chase.

Chuck War
He wants it, he's got it.

The War Rig careens out of the mall lot, horn blaring, and takes off after Camus. The centaur takes a right onto the Lougheed Highway, then a few seconds later a left onto 203rd Street.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, he's really moving.

Chuck War
I'm pushing 180 clicks and he's still ahead of me. I don't blame dog-face for bailing.. Hang on, guys, sharp turn...

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
AAAAAARRRR!!

The War Rig takes the turn onto 203rd with its driver-side wheels a half foot in the air. The centaur weaves through traffic ahead of them, deking around obstacles like a star winger in the NHL. The War Rig, on the other hand, takes the direct approach, barreling straight down the city street full of confidence that everyone else will be wise enough to get out of the way. Fortunately, the experienced Maple Ridge driver knows that centaurs weaving through traffic indicate that one should pull over and place one's head between one's knees, breathing deeply.

Camus ducks down a one-way street going the wrong way, and his pursuer blithely follows. A few more quick zigzags brings the chase onto the Maple Ridge's Great Northern Thoroughfare, 128th Avenue. Camus continues his race east.

Hydrogen Guy
Why's he heading downtown?

Chuck War
He's trying to use the traffic against us.

Deuterium Boy
Unfortunately for him, you're a lunatic.

By now they've reached 224th, the City's central axis. Camus bounds through the intersection, more like a stag than a horse, takes to the sidewalk for a block, then makes a hard right down 225th. The War Rig follows about a fifty meters behind, wisely eschewing the sidewalk. It fishtails into the intersection of 225th and 128th and takes off south after its quarry.

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
AAAAAARRRR!!

Chuck War
Damn, almost ran out of steering wheel on that one.

The chase now heads back towards Dewdney Trunk. On the left, they can see the Beast - the landmark mechanical horse clock - and Municipal Square coming up fast.

As Camus gallops down 225th and into the intersection with Dewdney. A late-model Firebird, intent on running the red light, swerves to miss him, and crashes up onto the sidewalk in front of Municipal Square. It pauses for a moment, then takes off. Camus by this time is through the intersection and ducking west down 119th. Chuck War leans on the accelerator some more, and hurtles into the intersection --

-- a split second after a police ghost car which had been chasing the Firebird. The War Rig plows into its front end. Chuck slams on the brakes.

Deuterium Boy
HOLY ---

His exclamation is lost as the passenger airbags deploy.

Holy Steve McQueen, Hydrogen Guy! Did our heroes survive the Terrible Airbags of Doom? Okay, actually, they're just ordinary airbags, but a super-powered mutant mafia is bad enough, don't you think? So what happens next? Find out in Thursday in Part VIII of...

Black Gold, Blue Moon

Only in Christopher Ford, Amateur Paranormalist!