The Vector of Doom - Part I

A cozy study. An elderly man sits in an armchair by the fire, reading a large leather-bound book. Piles of similar books are stacked around him. Closing the book he is reading, he looks up.

Storyteller
Ah... hello there. Do sit down. A cup of tea perhaps? No? All-righty then. What's on you mind?

Storyteller
Ah. I see. "The Vector of Doom". Yes, it is an uncertain story. Yes, I agree the ending is absurd, even by Hydrogen Guy's usual standards. It's complete horsefeathers, of course. "Yogic flyers", indeed. [chuckles] In fact, for many years, the "Vector of Doom" sat unfinished in Hydrogen Guy's files. But now, my friend, we know something more...

He puts the book in his lap aside and pulls another from the pile.

Storyteller
This must be kept rather quiet, I'm afraid. As you'll see, there's a reason this has been kept hidden. A friend of mine recently uncovered the hunter Gareth's diaries, and from these I was able to reconstruct what really happened to "The Vector of Doom", Opposition Man, and the Hawking Destabilizer. [opens the book] Let me tell you the story... that is my character's name, after all...

We begin where we ended the "Fiendish Fermion Fandangle" - in Ottawa, the nation's capitol. A few days have passed since the Black Rose failed to destroy the planet. It is now two o'clock in the morning on a Friday night, in the disreputable part of town known as Parliament Hill. A trio of RAF parachutists, three sheets to the wind, are out for an evening stroll...

Parachutist #1
C'mon, mate, don't 'eave 'ere! That's Sir John A. MacDonald! Go 'eave on Diefenbaker's statue instead...

Parachutist #2
Huruhhh...

Parachutist #3
Bloody 'ell, when'd'y'eat that, Robbie? Looks like a mouse...

Parachutist #2
Oooh... 's the vindaloo...

Parachutist #1
Warned ya 'bout that curry, di'n' I?

Parachutist #3
So what d'we do now, then?

Parachutist #2
Let's find us some ladies, then! Pick up some babes!

Parachutist #1
Not smellin' like that, you're not.

Parachutist #2
Where d'we find the hottest babes in Ottawa? Back to the Market, what?

Parachutist #3
Hold on, mates... is that some dark, unearthly presence lurking in the shadows?

Parachutist #1
Told you, it's just the curry. All ri' then, Robbie, we'll 'ead back to the Market... Robbie? 'ere, where'd 'e get to?

Parachutist #3
Prolly passed out be'ind that tree back there. Let's go 'ave a look.

They retrace their steps. A feeling of foreboding that neither can explain seems to build as they near the maple.

Parachutist #1
Robbie? C'mon, ya sod, let's AAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGG!

Parachutist #3
Holy AAAAAAHHHHHGGGG!

Mid-morning of the next day, and on the other side of the country. Jim Evans, world-renowned theoretical physicist, strolls into the coffee room at the Maple Ridge Institute of Theoretical Physics, and runs into his colleague, David Marcolin.

Evans
Dave! Nice to see you up and around again.

Marcolin
Hmmf.

Evans
I see you've got the ol' knee brace on.

Marcolin
Next time we're in a supervillain's Secret Underground Complex, you take the fall down the elevator shaft, okay?

Evans
Careful, Dave. You don't want to alert the rest of coffee room to our secret lives as costumed quantum crime-fighters.

Marcolin
Sorry, I didn't think they'd notice. They're playing "Magic: The Gathering".

He gestures to where a clump of scientists is gathered around a card table, holding brightly coloured cards and muttering about "mana" and "enchantments".

Evans
You're not playing?

Marcolin
My physiotherapist told me to avoid any repetitive movements - e.g., playing cards - with my hands for a few weeks.

Evans
Well there goes two of your favourite pastimes. Listen, while they're distracted - I just got a phone call from Doug. It seems ICBC's up to their old tricks again.

Marcolin
A phone call from Doug? How can he use the phone?

Evans
I guess his date must've dialed for him.

Marcolin
The rubber skeleton has a date?!

Evans
Does he pry into our personal lives? All this is beside the point. And you're missing your cues. As I was saying, it seems ICBC's up to their old tricks again.

Marcolin
Holy Evil Incarnate!

Evans
That's much better. According to Doug, someone has brought a Hawking Parliamentary Destabilizer into the country.

Marcolin
I don't understand, HG.

Evans
It's simple, DB. During the 70's, Stephen Hawking theorized that black holes lose energy through the escape of virtual particles at their event horizons, a surprising result of combining quantum mechanics and general relativity. Black holes, as you know, have incredibly large masses packed into incredibly small volumes, like several Suns smooshed into a basketball.

Marcolin
Of course, that's common knowledge.

Another colleague, Dr. Wu, enters the coffee room. He goes to the nearby coffee machine as Evans and Marcolin continue their discussion.

Evans
In the 1980's, Lucien Bouchard applied these results to Levesque's Theory of Political Relativity. The result was his discovery that governments, like the Progressive Conservatives of that time, also lost energy through fluctuations in the electoral vacuum.

Marcolin
Through what in the electoral vacuum?

Evans
[raising his voice slightly] Fluctuations.

Wu
[heavy Chinese accent] Yeah, well fluc you Canadians, too! [leaves]

Evans
No, Dr. Wu, I - oh, bugger. He's on the grant committee.

Marcolin
Tired old jokes are the best ones, aren't they?

Evans
Fluc you. As I was saying... Working with a small group of loyal Québec Tories, Bouchard developed a device that could magnify these fluctuations, causing massive governments to lose energy faster and eventually implode. A clandestine test of the device was held here in British Columbia in the late 80's and caused the total destruction of the Socreds, who'd governed the province almost exclusively since 1952.

Marcolin
My God... so Vanderzalm was just a tool!

Evans
That much was obvious. The device was more powerful than Bouchard anticipated - the Reform Party was spawned in neighboring Alberta as a hideous side effect. Mulroney tried to get rid of the device, but the Liberals intercepted the shipment and got a hold of it. In the next federal election, the Tories dropped from 200 seats in Parliament down to 2. Chretien then destroyed the device before Bouchard, now a Québec separatist with the Bloc Québecois, could get it back.

Marcolin
Do you suspect that Bouchard's built another one?

Evans
Or somebody else has. A lot of people might be interested in having the power to implode governments. We've got to find this device and lock it up, or it could mean years of political chaos and a boom in country music east of Thunder Bay.

Marcolin
What do you suggest?

Evans
We take a long lunch and go get "changed". After I straighten things out with Dr. Wu and play a few hands of Magic, of course.

He pulls out a deck of Magic cards and heads over to the card table.

Marcolin
What about National Security?

Evans
Oh, just one game. Shouldn't you get back to work?

Dave scowls at him as he gets up and leaves the coffee room.

Simon Fraser University is British Columbia's second largest university. It is located in the small city of Burnaby, between Vancouver and Maple Ridge, and the university itself sits atop the lofty heights of Burnaby Mountain. (Not all that lofty a height, really, but it is one heck of a bike ride.)

We find Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy in a strangely familiar setting... a fast food burger restaurant, namely, SFU's "SEARious Burgers".

Deuterium Boy
Explain to me again why we're waiting in line at "SEARious Burgers"?

Hydrogen Guy
I thought exposition was your job.

Deuterium Boy
Humour me.

Hydrogen Guy
Never fear, Deuterium Boy. We're not here to eat.

Deuterium Boy
I should hope not. The stuff they serve hear makes Burger King's "Almost Chicken^(TM)" look natural.

Hydrogen Guy
With Doug living life in the fast lane, we need another source of information to help us get to the bottom of this case. The head of Servomation, the shadowy corporation which holds a monopoly on SFU's food services, is at the top of Doug's list of alternate sources.

Deuterium Boy
HG, not the Servomation Controller! There's no one more cruel and ruthless in the University food service business!

Hydrogen Guy
I know, Deuterium Boy, but Servomation and ICBC are mortal enemies and arch-rivals in evil. No one, not even Doug, keeps track of ICBC better than the Servomation Controller.

Local Student Fauna
Fight the power, dude! Sign a petition to impeach everybody!

Deuterium Boy
No! Smeg off, I have pepper spray!

Hydrogen Guy
DB, remember, good public relations is important for a superhero. [to LSF] Here ya go, my man. [signs]

Local Student Fauna
Thanks dude! Peace!

Hydrogen Guy
Power, brother!

Deuterium Boy
We're next, HG.

Hydrogen Guy steps up to the counter.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello. Do you have any mutton today?

Servo Employee
No, the supplier didn't come through.

Hydrogen Guy
I see. Then we'd like two vegetarian chili-dogs, please.

Servo Employee
Ah... I see.

She reaches behind the cash register and presses a button. A large robot rolls out from a back room and approaches the counter. The robot is about six feet in height, and most resembles a refrigerator with headlights and a gripping arm, mounted on a wheeled carriage.

Servo Employee
The Servomation Droid will be pleased to help you.

Droid
This way, please.

The Droid turns in place and rolls back the way it came. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy follow. The Droid leads them through the kitchen, where Droids in chef's hats perform unspeakable culinary acts to vaguely identifiable pieces of meat. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy avert their eyes. The Droid leads them through a storage room, past stacks of boxes labeled "LARD - 50 KG".

The Droid extends a small arm and connects it to what appears to be an unused electrical outlet. A previously invisible door slides open in the back wall. Retracting its key arm, the Droid rolls through the door. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy continue to follow.

The door slides shut behind them, leaving them in a dark, dusty corridor. The Droid turns on its headlights and continues down the passageway. They follow for several minutes, through the twisting passage, deeper and deeper into the mountain. Occasionally they step in cold, slimy puddles.

Deuterium Boy
Why do all fast food places seem to be on top of these vast subterranean caverns?

Hydrogen Guy
It's probably the same architect. I think we're here...

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, for medieval values of "here"...

They have come to the end of the passage, where it joins with another corridor. At the intersection is a large wooden door. The area is lit by rough torches.

Droid
Please knock. The Controller will be with you in a moment.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

Droid
It has been a pleasure serving you. Please return to SEARious Burgers soon. Have a Nice Day.

The Droid turns and rolls away.

Deuterium Boy
HG, I have a bad feeling about this.

Hydrogen Guy
You should've averted your eyes in the kitchen, like the narrator said.

Deuterium Boy
No, I mean about the Servomation Controller. What if we're out of our depth here?

Hydrogen Guy
DB, don't worry. We have strange chemical powers far beyond those of mortal men. It's not like the Servomation Controller is some all-powerful demi-god or something. Whatever this suit pulls, we can handle.

He knocks loudly at the door, and it swings open with a ponderous creak. The room that they enter is a richly decorated modern office. A large desk is at the other end of the room, and behind it sits a sharp, dark-haired man in an grey suit. He looks up at them and grins disconcertingly.

N
James, David! Come in, I've been expecting you! Have a seat.

He gestures and two chairs magically appear in front of the desk. When Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy hesitate to approach, he gestures again and they are teleported into the chairs, each with a lit cigar in his hand. He conjures a cigar of his own and takes a puff.

N
Partuuni tobacco, hand-rolled, several thousand years old. A diabolically good cigar.

Hydrogen Guy
Er.. thanks. We don't smoke.

N shrugs. The cigars vanish.

Hydrogen Guy
So, I guess we don't have to introduce ourselves so... who exactly are you, and how do you know our real names?

N
Not very bright, are you? You may call me "N". I am an omnipotent, omniscient, all-powerful god-like being, who by a quirk of fate that your puny minds could not possibly understand, is stuck on this mudball of a planet running a third rate catering company with delusions of world domination... The problem with you humans is that you have no real ambition.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, next time I try to reassure you, just knee me in the groin, okay?

Deuterium Boy
Hm.. arrogant, omnipotent being named after a letter of the alphabet... where have I heard that before?

N
You have no idea what you're talking about.

Deuterium Boy
I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, was I saying something?

N
Oh, probably not. Tell me, is that a goatee or is there a sea urchin trying to mate with your chin?

Hydrogen Guy
N, the reason we're here...

N
Ah yes, the Parliamentary Destabilizer, of course.

Hydrogen Guy
We were hoping you might have more complete information about its whereabouts than we could find elsewhere.

N
Hm. Information... well, you're certainly correct. Such a bizarre story! It might be more educational if you found it out for yourselves.

Deuterium Boy
N, you have to tell us where the Destabilizer is! The future of Canada depends on it!

N
Canada. Hmph. The only nation in the Universe founded as a tax write-off. Don't waste my time. I could destroy this country with a twitch of my eyebrow any time I want. The only reason Newt and the boys haven't rolled their little tanks over the border is that it amuses me. If you don't want Quebec ending up as the next Bosnia, I suggest you start asking what you can do for me.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm not in the mood for this, N. Tell us who has the device, and what their plans are.

N snaps his fingers, and a pair of enormous, heavy-breathing, toothsome and ill-kempt slavering beasts appear on either side of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. The slavering beast next to Deuterium Boy makes a pointed display of drooling on him.

N
You should treat your betters with more respect, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, N, tell us what you want. Just don't get the idea I can be intimidated.

The slavering beast next to him barks, causing Hydrogen Guy to jump in his seat.

N
Next month, Servomation agents will be leading a coup in the highest ranks of Taco Bell. I want you and your stupor-hero buddies to keep their hands off.

Hydrogen Guy
Ha! No one really cares about Taco Bell anyway. Fine! Now the device... and these guys?

N casually waves his hand and the slathering beasts disappear. Deuterium Boy accepts his offer of a tissue to wipe off the drool.

N
The device is very, very close, so you can leave the De Broglie boards at home. The culprits are a reactionary fringe party called the "Complete Annihilation Party" - an umbrella group for people with radical political views of all descriptions, including Maoist-wannabe Quebec separatists and radical ex-Reform über-fascists. ICBC is one of their major contributors.

Deuterium Boy
By Damballah the Voodoo Serpent God, Hydrogen Guy! There's an unholy alliance if I ever heard one!

N
They'd keep me up at night, if I needed to sleep. Their leader is called "Opposition Man", an ICBC terrorist who would stop at nothing to destroy your amusing little system of government. They have the Parliamentary Destabilizer, and as for what their plans are, you can figure that out yourself, in time.

Hydrogen Guy
Where can we find them?

N
Oh, I don't want to take all the fun out of it for you. Let me give you a head start, though...

He waves his hand and the room around them vanishes. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy suddenly find their chairs have been transported to a ledge on top of a skyscraper in downtown Vancouver!

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
AAAAGHH!!!!

They leap to a safer part of the roof as their chairs plummet off the ledge, several dozen stories to the street below. The chairs disappear after only dropping a few stories, vanishing back into whatever nether-space N called them from.

Hydrogen Guy
DAMMIT, N!! That wasn't funny!!!

Voice of N:
Oh, you're no fun. One last word of advice, my Diatomic Dunces - beware of the Vector of Doom! HA HA HA...

The Vector of Doom
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!