Episode 55

- Part III

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: A fleet of fifty Zxanxi warships orbit the Earth, and their fighters attack Melbourne, Australia, where The Green Gibbon resides. A General Assembly is called to deal with the disaster, and our heroes Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy - as well as superheroes from around the world - travel to New York City. Meanwhile, ICBC sends Hans-Raoul to the Assembly as an "interested observer", along with his executive assistant Robyn Cheung, who knows more about Hans-Raoul's true nature than he's comfortable with. The Assembly is briefed by Alpha Man - the most famous and powerful hero on Earth; U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell; and Galactic Customs Agent Chuck War. The Assembly learns that the Zxanxi are pirates led by the cunning Golden Claw - and that Galactic Customs may not be able to help! Finally, Captain Toronto and Americana invite the Covalent Crusaders to join the illustrious Justice Council - an elite group of the world's most powerful superheroes!

So what's new with you?

Captain Toronto and Americana took Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy three floors down into the Invisible Trade and Convention Center. When the elevator stopped they stepped out into a small foyer. The area was all done in golden colours - light, stained oak panelling, polished brass accents. The floors were of white marble. Directly in front of them were a pair of large doors - everyone knows "large doors" equals "power" - bearing the laurel-bound symbol of the United Nations. The effect, highlighted by the pillars flanking the conference room doors, was like a modernized Greek temple. Hydrogen Guy wouldn't have been too surprised if Zeus himself stepped out from around the corner. In fact, given the nature of the Justice Council, it was a distinct possibility.

Captain Toronto
Here we are...

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... before we get started, is there a... ah... men's room... around here?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, good idea. Men's room.

Captain Toronto
Certainly. Just around the corner to your left.

Hydrogen Guy
Left, left. Right. We'll be, uh...

Deuterium Boy
Right back.

Hydrogen Guy
Right, right back...

They walked very quickly down the hall and around the corner. They dived into the rest-room without really checking what the stick figure on the door was wearing. Hydrogen Guy locked the door and exhaled heavily.

Hydrogen Guy
Holy crap.

Deuterium Boy
I was going to say, "Great Ahura Mazda, Persian God of Light", but that works.

Hydrogen Guy
The Justice Council? The JUSTICE Council? The Justice COUNCIL? US?

Deuterium Boy
That just came out of left field, didn't it?

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost! What the hell do they want with a couple of schleps like us?

Deuterium Boy
I'm wondering when we stopped bumbling.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't think we did. This is too much, I have to sit down.

Deuterium Boy
Where?

Hydrogen Guy looked around, and, seeing no handy armchairs, ducked into a stall. Deuterium Boy leaned against the door as Hydrogen Guy collapsed (fully pantsed, thank you) onto the toilet.

Deuterium Boy
Feel better?

Hydrogen Guy
No, I think the seat was wet. This is great, I'm going to be introduced to the most powerful superheroes on Earth with somebody else's pee on my pants.

Deuterium Boy
Calm down. Breath deeply.

Hydrogen Guy
It's a men's room.

Deuterium Boy
Well then, let's hurry this up, they're waiting for us.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, just let me get over my panic attack.

Deuterium Boy
It's just nerves.

Hydrogen Guy
It's not too late, you know. We can still change our minds.

Deuterium Boy
Just keep thinking that, it'll make you feel better. Do you want to?

Hydrogen Guy
Change my mind? No. You?

Deuterium Boy
Hell, no. I've dreamed about this.

Hydrogen Guy
And considering the stuff you usually do in your dreams, that's saying something. Me too, though. Though I can't say I'm thrilled about some of the company.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, I'm not thrilled about calling Americana an "ally" either.

Hydrogen Guy
Just don't turn your back on her, that's all. Cap was surprisingly supportive after the Embassy incident, if cautious. I think we can count him on our side. Plus I'll get to watch his ego in full swing more often. That's always a lark.

They fell silent for a while.

Deuterium Boy
You ready?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. You?

Deuterium Boy
Yup.

Hydrogen Guy stood up and came out of the stall.

Hydrogen Guy
You're taking this with remarkable aplomb.

Deuterium Boy
It's easier being the calm one when you're panicking. See, if you were calm, I'd be the one curled up in a ball and whimpering.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks. Let's go.

Rejoining their guides in the foyer, Captain Toronto looked at them with both amusement and understanding. Americana remained impassive.

Captain Toronto
All right?

Hydrogen Guy
Fine, fine. Heavy breakfast at the hotel, bacon, eggs, you know how it is. Let's meet the rest of The Team.

Captain Toronto nodded. He pulled open the doors - which looked like they weighed a tonne - and the four of them walked into the Justice Council chambers.

The room was dominated by a large circular table. The other members of the Justice Council were standing around socializing (or the nearest equivalent) as they entered; Chuck War and the Green Gibbon were talking with Alpha Man next to the coffee pot. Everyone turned and looked as they came in. Alpha Man stepped forward, grinning.

Alpha Man
Ah, good, you're here! Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, I'm Alpha Man.

He extended his hand and shook both of theirs in turn. He had a strong grip.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, sir. We know.

Deuterium Boy
It's an honour to meet you.

Alpha Man
Cut that out. Call me Al - it's actually my first name.

Deuterium Boy
Thanks.

Alpha Man
We'll have to keep the getting-to-know-you stuff to a minimum right now, I'm afraid. We'll go for steaks or something after this is all over. Let me introduce you to everyone... I know you know Agent War --

Chuck War
Hey guys. Congrats.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks. How are you?

Chuck War
Tired. We'll talk later.

Alpha Man
And this is our representative from Melbourne, the Green Gibbon.

Green Gibbon
How d'ya do.

Hydrogen Guy
Good to meet you.

Deuterium Boy
Hi.

Alpha Man
We thought the Gibbon deserved to hear this discussion... Now, the rest of the council. Starting from left to right - this is Force Ranger, from Los Angeles, and The Organ, from Miami.

Force Ranger was as well-built as Alpha Man; his black and grey capeless body-suit made him appear darker and less affable. Or maybe it was his demeanor. The man called the Organ appeared to be just an ordinary guy - ruggedly good-looking, wearing a leather jacket, red t-shirt, jeans, running shoes and a mischievous grin.

Alpha Man
Ogress, from Mexico City, and the Piece, from Salt Lake City.

Ogress was well-named - a gigantic, muscle-bound woman over ten feet tall, with grey leather-like skin and features which wouldn't win any beauty pageants on this or several neighboring planets. Despite his companion's size, however, it was the Piece who was easily the most striking in appearance in the room. He could most accurately be described as a human-shaped stellar void. Looking at where any part of his "body" should be was like staring off into deep space, looking at stars and galaxies millions of light-years away. The void appeared to change as he moved. The effect was fascinating, if unsettling.

Piece
Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy. Very glad to finally meet you. I've followed your exploits for quite a while.

Deuterium Boy
Thank you.

Alpha Man
Speed Freak and his partner Bright, from Houston...

He indicated a man and a woman in red, yellow and white body suits, who appeared to be brother and sister. They greeted the Diatomic Duo in strong Texan accents.

Next Alpha Man gestured to a very tall Japanese woman in ornate battle dress. On her head was a helmet with a large pair of metallic wings. Mounted on her back was a mechanical pack, sprouting four robotic arms, giving her six in all. Her torso was covered by a silver chain mail. A strange mixture of Nordic and Indian symbols decorated her armour and the chain around her neck. A large and intricately decorated energy weapon hung at her side, and she carried a pole-axe in her right (non-robotic) hand. She looked forbiddingly at them.

Alpha Man
And this is --

She barked something in a foreign language. It wasn't Japanese; neither HG nor DB could identify it.

Alpha Man
For Pete's sake, Sumi, we don't have time --

She hammered the butt of the axe on the floor and repeated her demand. The others showed various forms of exasperation.

Alpha Man
Oh, all right, if it will keep you happy.

He reached into his belt and pulled out an index card.

Alpha Man
This is embarrassing...[reading] "Five hundred years ago, the Indian and Norse pantheons battled over feudal Japan. When a fiendish alien intelligence threatened them both, they chose a single champion: a female warrior with the mystical wisdom of Odin the All-Father and the vengeful fury of Kali, Goddess of Death. She is Tokyo's defender, Valkyrie K!"

She stared haughtily. Alpha Man stuffed the card back in his belt.

Hydrogen Guy
Pleased to meet you, Val.

Deuterium Boy
Right. It's a unique experience

She said what sounded like two or three sentences in reply. Hydrogen Guy looked at Alpha Man, who just shrugged.

Alpha Man
I don't know what she said either. None of us even know what language she speaks.

Hydrogen Guy
Y'know, we have a friend that she might get along well with.

A soft, raspy voice with a faint British accent at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy's elbow nearly startled them out of their capes.

Grimsword
Bring him along next time. Maybe she'll start acting reasonably.

The Diatomic Duo spun around. Standing nearly between them was a man in black armour, similar in style to that worn by medieval knights but with several high-tech flourishes. He wore no helmet, rather an iron skull cap and a black mask. A voluminous red cape swept out behind him, giving Deuterium Boy a subconscious pang of envy. In a battered leather scabbard at his side hung the enchanted sword that shared the hero's name: the Grimsword.

Hydrogen Guy
Grimsword, I presume?

Grimsword
Mmm.

He eyed the Ruler of Elendil, sheathed in its platinum scabbard at Hydrogen Guy's side, speculatively.

Deuterium Boy
How did you sneak up on us like that? We should have smelled you with our hyper-atomic sense of smell...

Grimsword
Good. The gadget worked... Alpha Man, we should get to work.

Alpha Man
Agreed. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, you'll find your places marked...

And so they did. They sat in "HG" and "DB" monogrammed chairs - quite comfy chairs that swiveled and, Hydrogen Guy quickly found, could be made to rock satisfactorily. Hydrogen Guy sat next to the Organ, while Deuterium Boy was slightly disconcerted to find himself next to Valkyrie K. Chuck War and the Green Gibbon sat in guest seats next to Alpha Man.

Alpha Man
Now I thought that --

Force Ranger
Hold on. This Galactic Customs issue needs to be settled, now.

Americana allowed herself a slight smile. Alpha Man looked slightly annoyed.

Force Ranger
Agent War, is there anything you can do to make GC change their minds?

Chuck War
No, I'm afraid not. I've tried. It's not a simple decision.

The Organ
Why not? You know these guys are pirates. Isn't that what you guys do, kick space pirate ass?

Alpha Man
I think the problem is that this may not be a pirate raid.

Force Ranger
What difference does it make? Pirates, smugglers, invaders, it's GC's job to keep them away from undeveloped worlds.

Chuck War
Like I said at the Assembly, GC can't interfere in an invasion.

Americana
I'd be interested to hear why not.

Chuck sighed.

Chuck War
It's a common misunderstanding. We're not "Commander Proton and the Galaxy Patrol". Galactic Customs was created a long time ago by a galactic treaty, signed by most of the galaxy's major powers, to enforce trade and customs regulations in deep space. That's all. It was created as an organization free from control by any one government. A lot of people are wary about giving the organization too much power, for exactly that reason.

Grimsword
In other words, they made sure that the Interstellar Empires could conquer and pillage as much as they wished without interference.

Chuck War
That's one way to put it. Another is that they tried to make certain that no one could turn GC into a tool for their own use.

Captain Toronto
Galactic politics isn't much different from Earth politics.

Alpha Man
Just a lot more complicated.

Chuck War
If GC stepped in and smacked down the Zxanxi, they could legitimately claim that GC had interfered with their right to territorial expansion. Even though there's been no formal Zxanxi state since the Autarchy imploded fifty years ago. The Thyrix and other aggressive Empires that dabble in piracy on the side would call for GC to be abolished and pull their funding. If the Zxanxi put up a good enough case, the other treaty signees might not have any choice but to follow suit.

Speed Freak
So once again, it all comes down to covering your ass.

Ogress
But you said it depended on whether or not the Zxanxi established a base?

Chuck War
If they did, GC would have no choice but to recognize it as an invasion and stay out. If I were the Zxanxi, I'd make sure I did exactly that.

Captain Toronto
Is this Golden Claw smart enough to try it?

Chuck War
Probably... Even if they didn't, though, the case is ambiguous enough that GC would probably play it safe and stay out anyway.

Alpha Man
What about the Prefect on Betelgeuse, Luke Gardner? He's your boss, and he's from Earth. Doesn't he have any say?

Chuck War
Not much. He's trying to put together some kind of unofficial fleet to "investigate" the situation, but isn't having any luck. We're pretty much on our own.

Force Ranger
Well, Americana, it looks like you were right. We helped them when War asked for it, but now they refuse to help us. Galactic Customs was never interested in protecting Earth, and now they've proved it.

Chuck War
Look, I never --

Hydrogen Guy
It's not Chuck's fault we ended up on the wrong side of GC policy.

Alpha Man
That's true.

Force Ranger
Are you defending them?

Alpha Man
I'm not saying I agree with their decision, but I can see why they would have to make such a distinction.

Force Ranger
What about you, War? Do you agree with this decision?

Chuck War
No. No, I don't. That's why I've resigned my commission.

Hydrogen Guy
WHAT?

Deuterium Boy
Holy Agni, the Vedic Fire God!

Chuck War
As a GC agent, I would've been ordered not to interfere in the invasion. Or the raid, or whatever it really is. So I told Gardner I quit.

Hydrogen Guy
Are you out of you mind?! Now what are you going to do?

Chuck War
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I have 78 spare charges for my Argon Blast Cannon with 256 shots each, and I intend to use every damn one of'em.

The Organ let out a whoop, and Valkyrie K said something incomprehensible. It sounded like a compliment, though. Americana looked slightly disappointed. The Green Gibbon, in whom the debate had stirred emotions ranging from amazement to disgust, looked at Chuck War and smiled.

Green Gibbon
Good on ya, War. I have to admit I misjudged you.

Chuck War
I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

Force Ranger
It's a smart move, War. A very smart move.

Chuck War
Radar and the guys back in Area 51 don't know about this yet, and I'm not gonna tell them unless I have to. I don't want to end up fighting GC and the Zxanxi.

Alpha Man
We'll still need you as our expert on the Zxanxi, so don't buy that Mediterranean retirement villa just yet. Speaking of which, the reason we called this meeting was to hear that tape of the Zxanxi demands.

Chuck War
Right. HG, DB, you guys will find this really interesting. The Zxanxi want one thing and one thing only, and if they don't get it, they'll be a lot more Melbournes around the world. The details we figured weren't necessary for the whole Assembly to hear, since it would just confuse the issue. The first voice you'll hear is Radar, my ex-partner. The other is from the Zxanxi flag ship.

He leans forward and clicks the mouse button on his laptop, which has its sound output hooked up to the table. The filtered background noise of Area 51 the previous night plays over the ceiling speakers.

Radar
Galactic Customs outpost Blue Fish Omega Seven. Go ahead.... Repeat, you have reached Galactic Customs outpost Blue Fish Omega Seven. Please proceed... are you receiving?

Zxanxi
I speak for Its Excellency The Golden Claw, All-Parent of the New Zxanxi Autarchy, Glory to Its Name.

The alien's voice sounded flat and mechanical. The Zxanxi were using some kind of computerized translation software. Between the computerized Zxanxi voice and Radar's low, deadpan delivery, it was like listening to dueling golf announcers.

Radar
This world is protected under section 56.2, paragraph 9 of Galactic Treaty T-655, "Non-Engagement With Developing Worlds". You are in violation --

Zxanxi
Its Excellency The Golden Claw bids you witness the demonstration of Its Might and Ferocity visited upon the settlement on the minor continent. We --

Radar
Please break off your attack, withdraw all ships and personnel and leave this system immediately.

Zxanxi
This world will be claimed by the New Zxanxi Autarchy. You will not interfere.

Radar
Please repeat, that last statement was unclear.

Zxanxi
Deliver our demands to the government of this world. The Golden Claw has come for the being which calls itself "the Crustacean".

Hydrogen Guy nearly fell out of his chair. Deuterium Boy blinked several times in rapid succession.

Radar
We are not authorized to deliver any Terran citizens to you. I repeat, break off your attack, withdraw all ships and personnel and leave this system immediately. We are tracking you and will open fire on any ship that comes within range.

Zxanxi
Deliver the Crustacean to our representatives within three rotations, or we will begin the military occupation of this planet. The occupation will continue until the Crustacean is delivered. No excuses will be accepted. We will recognize any substitutions. Resistance will be dealt with unmercifully. The life of the air-breathers will be forfeit.

Radar
We will not negotiate with terrorists. Withdraw immediately or --

Zxanxi
The Crustacean. That is our only demand. Glory to the Name of The Golden Claw! Transmission is terminated.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy looked at one another in shock. Chuck War gave them a humourless grin.

Force Ranger
Who or what the hell is this "Crustacean"?

Captain Toronto
I understand he's an opponent of yours, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
He's DEAD! D-E-A-D, dead! Tell them that!

Chuck War
We've been trying to. They don't respond to our hails.

Piece
Hydrogen Guy -- maybe you can explain a bit?

Hydrogen Guy
ARRGH!!

Captain Toronto
Deuterium Boy?

Deuterium Boy
The Crustacean was a sentient lobster that gave us a lot of trouble. He had super-strength, super-intelligence, and some kind of psionic ability that depended on the phase of the moon. He was blown to pieces by a high calibre bullet eight months ago.

Ogress
A lobster? You mean a giant lobster? A lobster-man?

Deuterium Boy
No. Just a lobster.

Alpha Man
You mean, like the kind you eat?

Deuterium Boy
Maybe just a little larger.

The Organ
Wow. You guys have cool villains.

Hydrogen Guy
He was an IDIOT. He was supposed to be this "super intelligent" lobster, but he was incompetent! He couldn't do ANYTHING right! His henchmen were dumb even for henchmen! I'm talking about a schizoid panda bear and a Bell operator who'd need smart drugs to compete with a bag of hammers!

Grimsword
What could the Zxanxi want with him?

Hydrogen Guy
Beats me. Maybe they want comic relief?

Chuck War
Easier to go to the Doomians.

Hydrogen Guy
Whatever. If he was alive, I'd hand him over in a heartbeat. Good riddance. I'd even shake the Golden Claw's golden claw and embrace him as a brother. No offense, Gibbon.

Green Gibbon
None taken. You seem a bit worked up about this cobber.

Hydrogen Guy
He annoyed me in unique and previously unimagined ways.

Alpha Man
You say he was a lobster, but, what was he? A genetic construct of some kind?

Deuterium Boy
We think so. We found some papers in one of his ex-henchman's hotel rooms. He was apparently created by Dr. Erik Von Vorpalstein, an insane 19th century marine biologist. It was some kind of stochastic experiment that took over a century to complete.

Alpha Man
So it's not something we could easily repeat.

Hydrogen Guy laughed mirthlessly.

Deuterium Boy
No.

Bright
Could he be cloned?

Speed Freak
After eight months? His DNA's probably already too degraded.

Americana
What about a robot?

Alpha Man
They claimed they would recognize any substitutions.

Hydrogen Guy
Would they really? As far as I know, the little bugger'd never been off planet. Why won't they just accept the fact he's dead?

Chuck War
I suspect they don't believe it. The Zxanxi are a lot like the Crustacean, in that they have this aquatic arthropod superiority complex. They may not believe that the Crustacean could be killed by mere mammals.

Valkyrie K leapt to her feet and slammed the butt of her axe against the floor. She spoke quickly and forcefully for several seconds, then sat back down.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm not hungry, thanks, but if you do, I'll have a slice of the pepperoni.

Piece
She said that the only way to appease the water demons is to deliver them the true Crustacean. She said he must be resurrected.

Ogress
You can understand her? Why didn't you ever say anything before?

Piece
She's never said anything worth translating before.

Hydrogen Guy
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a second. This talk about cloning him is bad enough, but RAISE HIM FROM THE DEAD? No offense to you or your chthonic deities, Val, but that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!

Captain Toronto
I tend to agree, Hydrogen Guy.

Alpha Man
I don't know, Captain. We shouldn't rule anything out.

Piece
There are more things on heaven and Earth, Hydrogen Guy, than are dreamt of in your philosophies.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm not hearing this...

Grimsword
Valkyrie, can you do it?

She shook her head and spoke a few terse syllables.

Piece
She says Kali and Odin haven't given her that power. We'll need a necromancer.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. Now I suppose you want me resurrect Dumnoric, too.

Deuterium Boy
That won't be necessary. I might be able to convince Savadini to do it.

Green Gibbon
What? Not the Dark Mage, Savadini? That bastard's still around?

Deuterium Boy
He's given up evil and retired to the dream lands. Mostly messes about with vegetable marrows and keeping degus away from his lettuce now.

Alpha Man
All right. Hydrogen Guy, it's obvious you object to this idea, but in a crisis like this we can't reject any course of action, however ludicrous it might sound. Deuterium Boy, will you talk to Savadini about the possibility?

Deuterium Boy
Sure.

Hydrogen Guy
Traitor.

Alpha Man
We'll explore every other possible option, of course, but we'll still keep it in mind. Americana, maybe you can look into the robot angle. Ogress, you're connected with a bio-research project in Mexico, maybe you could ask them about cloning?

Ogress
Will do.

Green Gibbon
My day job's with BrioSybtech, the medical research conglom. I'll talk to them as well, provided their lab survived the attack.

Alpha Man
Good. Now, I want to move on to the planning a defensive counter-attack. If we can't appease them, we'll have to fight. Americana, you're most familiar with our space strength...

Hydrogen Guy let out a low moan. Deuterium Boy looked at him sympathetically. Grimsword, who was sitting next to the Organ, leaned over.

Grimsword
My grandmother once gave my mother some very wise advice, Hydrogen Guy, which you might find helpful.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh?

Grimsword
Just close your eyes and think of England.

The horror! The watery, lobstery horror! Can it be true? Is Earth's best chance of survival a renaissance of the Crustacean, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy's deadliest foe? And, on top of that, is this the end of Chuck War's Galactic Customs career? The only way to find out is to keep reading in Part IV of...

The Golden Claw
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!