Episode 56

- Part IV

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: A fleet of Zxanxi pirates have attacked the city of Melbourne, and an emergency General Assembly of the world's superheroes is called in New York. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are invited to join the Justice Council, the U.N.-sponsored committee of the world's most powerful superheroes. Chuck War admits that Galactic Customs cannot help Earth to repel the invaders, and resigns from GC in protest. The Justice Council then learns of the Zxanxi's demands - their leader, the Golden Claw, will begin a violent occupation of Earth unless the Crustacean is surrendered immediately. Hydrogen Guy's protests that the Crustacean is dead fall on deaf ears... and the alarming possibility arises that the only way to save Earth may be to resurrect the Diatomic Duo's watery foe! Meanwhile, unknown to our heroes, the Zxanxi are not their only problem...

It seemed weeks since Deuterium Boy had set out on his journey in search of the Dark Mage. In fact, less than two subjective days had passed in the dreamlands, since he and Avalia (cocktail waitress to the horrible, shapeless Alternative Gods, and DB's netherworldly main squeeze) had set out from Beaujolais in the kingdom of Ug-Mithir; and in the waking world, the mortal form of David Marcolin had slumbered little more than an hour. Deuterium Boy did not sit easy upon his argentine zootlehopper. The knowledge of the doom from space hanging over the Earth, and of the dark deeds ahead, unsettled him not a little. Avalia, too, grew steadily quieter as they drew nearer their destination; whether in response to his uneasiness or for some dark reason of her own, Deuterium Boy did not pause to speculate.

It was with a mixture of weary relief and unspoken trepidation that the couple crossed the gilded Bridge of Anhedonia over the river Hoon into Dlunt, where Savadini had elected to spend his retirement among vegetable marrows and the degus sacred to that village.

They stopped and dismounted outside the quaint public house called "The Cock and Zoog". It was wisest to walk through the village on foot, for the zootlehoppers, like the degus and other animals of the town, would refuse to approach Savadini's cottage. As Deuterium Boy tied their mounts to the rail, Avalia toyed nervously with a stray lock of dusky black hair. She looked down the street expectantly.

Avalia
Sweetie, why don't we stop for a pint or something first?

Deuterium Boy
Normally I'd say sure, but I'm anxious to get this over with.

Avalia
Positive? I'll buy.

Deuterium Boy
No, that's all right. Come on.

She hesitated.

Avalia
You know, I'll probably just be in the way. Maybe I'll wait for you in the pub.

Deuterium Boy
Are you sure? I kind of wanted us to meet him together. He was a lot of help to me when I was trying to find you... You're not scared because he's a necromancer, are you?

Her teeth clicked together. She looked annoyed.

Avalia
Don't be ridiculous. I serve margaritas to the most horrifying things in the cosmos, remember? It's, um, just...

He tilted his head quizzically.

Avalia
Never mind. Let's go.

Deuterium Boy
Are you sure? If you really --

Avalia
Yes. Come on, let's go.

Deuterium Boy shrugged. She took his hand and they headed down the quaint village street.

They walked down the broad main street, past the shops and houses, and turned down a little used lane, where the poorer inhabitants of Dlunt lived. The lane wound part way up a hill, and at the top of the hill was a dark and infrequently visited cottage. There dwelt the Dark Mage Savadini, who, for unfathomable reasons of his own, falsely claimed to be Belgian.

Deuterium Boy unhitched the front gate, and they passed up the front walk, past rows of well-tended flowers and vegetables. The knocker on the front door was in the shape of a hideous, disfigured human face. Deuterium Boy gazed upon it, and shuddered.

Avalia
Isn't that Pauline Hanson?

Deuterium Boy
Who?

Avalia
Never mind. Just knock already.

Deuterium Boy took the ring of the knocker and gave it three sharp raps. Almost instantly, the door flew open, and the grizzled face of Savadini, who was wearing a purple terry-cloth robe and worn leather slippers, appeared at the door.

Savadini
Merlin's arse, I tol' you drongoes, I don't want your bloody "Watchtower"! Now rack off before I -- Crikey! Deuterium Boy! Sorry, thought you were the bloody God botherers again...

He spotted Avalia, and did a quick double take.

Savadini
That you, Stanley?

Avalia
Hi, Uncle...

Deuterium Boy
UNCLE?

Savadini
What, he din' tell you? 'S fair dinkum, mate. How'd'ye suppose he got his ticket in these parts?

Avalia
HER! SHE!

Savadini
Ah, ya bloody great poof. Good t'see ya. Well c'mon in, don't just stand there with your gob open. I was just about to fix up a bit of brekkie. How's about a cuppa?

They followed him into the house. Avalia had turned a bright red.

Deuterium Boy
[aside] Why didn't you tell me?

Avalia
[aside] Well! I know you hate being reminded of my... mortal life. And I knew he'd be like that. He's really very understanding, he was the only one in the family who was, really, but...

Deuterium Boy
[aside] Never mind. Don't want to talk about it.

Avalia
[aside] I knew you wouldn't...

Savadini
Pull up a chair, mates, and I'll put the billy on. So what brings you round here, then? I'm betting it has something t'do with the dust-up Down Undah. Bikkie?

Deuterium Boy
No thanks.

Avalia
Right here, Uncle...

Savadini
Watch that girlish figure, Stanley.

He ducked as she threw half a tea biscuit at him. Deuterium Boy described to Savadini the situation with the Zxanxi, and their demand for the Crustacean; and of the dark plan to fulfill the demand.

Savadini whistled as he poured the tea.

Savadini
Strewth, Deuterium Boy. Don't ask for much, do ya? How long since this Crustacean cobber's karked it?

Deuterium Boy
About eight months.

Savadini
Still got the body?

Deuterium Boy
Most of it.

Savadini slurped his tea and took a bite of his toast.

Savadini
Well, [chewing] I'll have to take a dekko at the mortal clay, cast a few runes, and all that, but I'll be ridgy-didge with ya, it'll be harder than a bull roo in the springtime. With his soul - what the Egyptians called the ba - on walkabout for eight months, he's prolly gone to the infernal planes by now. Y'might have to go after him yourselves.

Deuterium Boy
Go after him? You mean, go to Hell and actually bring him back?

Savadini
Something like that.

Deuterium Boy
Can't you, you know, just summon his spirit?

Savadini
Well, if you'd come to me in time, I prolly could, seein' as how the ba usually knocks about a bit immediately after death. But by now, he's in his final restin' place, and he's pretty well bound to it. No summoning, at least by a mere mortal, is gonna bring him back, and all that's left is to physically go and bring the blighter back to Earth in person. Assuming he's not been reincarnated, in which case it's sayonara, Charlie.

Avalia
You're not going to Hell.

Deuterium Boy
Don't worry, I don't intend to.

Savadini
Prolly no other options. As I said, I'll have to cast a few spells first just to scope it out, but chances are that's what you're in for.

Avalia
You are NOT going to Hell.

Deuterium Boy
!!

Savadini
Stanley, don't henpeck the bloke. Like I said, I can't say anything for certain 'til I perform a bit of the wagga-wagga. Now, the crux of the matter is, how much is this job going to pay?

Deuterium Boy
Pay?!

Savadini
'Course. Y'don' expect me to chuck retirement, come back to the waking world, and raise the bloody dead, while I'm left out for a blob?

Deuterium Boy
What about saving the world from aliens?!

Savadini
What about it? Look, mate, keep it in your paddock that I'm no retired superhero, I'm a retired supervillain. It's a diff'nt moral code, innit? Far as the Zxanxi go, they can tramp their shrimpy little legs from Brizzie to the back of Bourke and beyond, and it won't make a bit of diff 'ere in the dream lands. Won't be any skin off me nor Stanley's backs. Tell y'what, since you're a mate, I can even bring you up here permanently, like I did for her, worse come t'worse.

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, but no thanks.

Savadini
Your decision.

Avalia
I don't think so. Uncle, you are going to help Deuterium Boy, and you'll do it for free.

Savadini
Stanley! A bloke's got to make a living...

Avalia
If you don't, I'll visit Aunt Freida and tell her where to find you!

Savadini
You wouldn't!

Avalia
I most certainly would!

Savadini
She couldn't reach the dream lands.

Avalia
She could if I showed her how.

Savadini
Crikey! She'd prolly want to move in here! Or worse, she'd want me to come back to Earth!

Avalia
She wouldn't give you a moment's peace.

Savadini
I take back everything I ever said about you, Avalia. You're as cold-hearted and ruthless as any natural-born shelia I ever met.

Avalia
So are you going to help Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy or not?

Savadini
Fine, fine. I'll give you a discount.

Avalia
Uncle...

Savadini
Of 100%. Half your luck, Deuterium Boy, looks like you've copped yourself a Dark Mage.

Ten PM in the Invisible Trade and Convention Center. Most of the committee meetings are over - a plan of action against the alien invaders has been hammered out. Tasks have been assigned, volunteers volunteered, and debates debated, often passionately. Agreement is not unanimous, but the front will be united. Most of the world's heroes are now either on their way home, or in the case of many, on their way to Melbourne to help with rescue efforts.

The lobby is now virtually empty. Singles or small groups pass through occasionally, but its only seemingly permanent resident is a java serf at the lobby café, and a disgruntled, disheveled hero drowning his sorrows in spiked hot chocolate.

Java Serf
Hey Mack, you gonna stay here all night? I'm closin' at ten-thirty.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, yeah. Just keep the milk steamer steamin', Joe, and make sure you don't run outta whip cream.

Java Serf
Yeah, okay. But you start singin' Sinatra, and I'm warnin' yous, superpowers or not, I'm tossin' you out... What's your story, anyways?

Hydrogen Guy
I got troubles.

Java Serf
I can see that.

Hydrogen Guy
DEAD! He's dead, dammit! Dead is dead! If he's dead, he should STAY dead!

Java Serf
That's usually the way it works... Who you talkin' about? Villain a' yours?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... the Crustacean. Evil super lobster. Biggest little pain in the ass you ever'd care to meet.

Java Serf
You ain't met my brother-in-law. I hear ya, though.

Hydrogen Guy
Long story short, he got killed, now the Justice Council wants to bring him back to life to make these damn aliens go away.

Java Serf
Tough break. But hey, nobody said savin' the world was easy, right?

Hydrogen Guy
Pah.

Java Serf
Listen, Hydrogen Guy - that's you, right? New kid on the Council?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. [urp]

Java Serf
'Scuse you. Listen, Hydrogen Guy, lemme let you in on a little secret. I used to be a super hero myself, back in the day.

Hydrogen Guy
Really.

Java Serf
Yeah, no foolin'. I was, get this, the Amazing Splongo.

Hydrogen Guy
"The Amazing Splongo"?

Java Serf
Yeah. See, I worked in this chem lab with this nutty professor type who invented this goop he called "splongo". Kind of a super-sticky-bouncy-sludgey stuff with some real amazing properties. Anyways, I used this stuff to fight crime for a while.

Hydrogen Guy
So what happened?

Java Serf
I ran outta splongo. The professor only made so much, y'know, and whatever freak accident made the stuff in the first place, he couldn't repeat. So now I shlep java for Starbucks at these USHA deals. Anyways, the point is, as the Amazing Splongo, I had to wade through a lot of crap, figuratively and literally. You don't ever wanna go into the New York sewers, lemme tell you. But it was all for the greater good, you know what I mean?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, yeah, I know that. But I don't have to like it.

Java Serf
Evenin' folks...

He turned to the pair who had just come to the counter.

Hans-Raoul
Still open?

Java Serf
'Nother half hour.

Hans-Raoul
Great. I'll have a double espresso to go. You getting anything?

Robyn
Ah, a caramel frappuchino.

Java Serf
Comin' right up...

The java serf went about his craft, and Hans-Raoul turned to the café's lone occupant.

Hans-Raoul
Evening, Hydrogen Guy.

He looked up from his hot chocolate, his expression bland.

Hydrogen Guy
Hans-Raoul. What are you doing here?

Hans-Raoul
I'm ICBC's representative. We're an interested observer.

Hydrogen Guy
On whose side?

Hans-Raoul
You're awfully crabby. I thought you'd be pleased to finally meet face to face. At least shake my hand.

Hydrogen Guy
No thanks.

Hans-Raoul
Well, I tried anyway. Oh, this is my "executive assistant", Robyn Cheung. Have you met?

Hydrogen Guy
No.

Robyn
Hi. Charmed.

Java Serf
Double espresso and a caramel frappuchino.

Hans-Raoul
Great. Robyn, do you mind...

Robyn
What?

Hans-Raoul
Get the drinks?

Robyn
I don't get coffee.

Hans-Raoul
Just get the drinks.

Robyn
Whatever...

Hans-Raoul
[to Hydrogen Guy] So, congratulations,. I hear you're a member of the Justice Council.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

Hans-Raoul
That's quite an accomplishment. They're the best.

Hydrogen Guy
That they are.

Hans-Raoul
Feeling a bit out of your depth?

Hydrogen Guy
Not in the least.

Hans-Raoul
Well, I wouldn't blame you if you did. It must be awe-inspiring, to be working with legends like that...

Hydrogen Guy
I've managed to stay one step of you, haven't I?

Hans-Raoul
Good point. That does take skill. Or, in your case, luck. Robyn?

Robyn
Mm-hm? [slurp]

Hans-Raoul
Where's my espresso?

Robyn
Over there.

Hans-Raoul
[glares] Remember that talk we had about being a team player?

Robyn
No. Do you need me here? If not, I have someplace to be.

Hans-Raoul
We'll talk again later.

Robyn
Great, thanks.

She left. Hydrogen Guy chuckled.

Hydrogen Guy
You're an inspiration to team leaders everywhere, HR.

Hans-Raoul
That girl is impossible. How ICBC expects me to accomplish anything with support like that boggles my mind.

He walked back to the counter and picked up his drink.

Hans-Raoul
Mind if I join you for a bit?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes.

Hans-Raoul
Super.

He returns to the table and sits down. Hydrogen Guy edges away from him.

Hans-Raoul
Oh, don't get your cape in a knot. I'm on your side in this, it'd be bad for the corporations image if I killed you now.

Hydrogen Guy
I really would've thought you'd be rooting for the Zxanxi in this.

Hans-Raoul
Well, I am at heart, of course, but officially it's all "rally round for Mother Earth". Speaking of which, that's quite the plan that got hammered out today. Not a lot of military strategists among you tights, are there?

Hydrogen Guy
If you've got a better idea I'd love to hear it.

Hans-Raoul
I'll bet. Well, best of luck to Chuck War and all, and their motley fleet of fighter craft. I nearly choked when they said they were going to try and convert as many of the heroes' personal jets into space-worthy vehicles in 72 hours as they can. Glad I won't be flying any of them. You couldn't rustle up even one capitol ship?

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, but space battle-cruisers are in short supply here on Earth.

Hans-Raoul
Humanity's loss. What puzzles me, HG, is your role in all of this. Some people I talked to seemed to hint you were involved in some "special project" having to do with the Zxanxi's demands. I'd love to know what it is.

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, that's on a need-to-know basis. Not that I like talking about it anyway, especially with you.

Hans-Raoul
Curiouser and curiouser. Well, don't worry, I'll find out eventually. Let me know if there's anything I can do. You know I'm always willing to help.

Hydrogen Guy
How about crawling back under whatever extra-dimensional rock you came from, and stop trying to kill us?

Hans-Raoul
Sorry, HG. Nothing personal, but there are greater things than you or your planet at stake there.

Hydrogen Guy
In that case, just stay out of our way.

Hans-Raoul
As you wish.

He gets to his feet.

Hans-Raoul
Well, I'd best turn in. I've an early flight back tomorrow. Good-night, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Whatever.

Hans-Raoul started to reply, then checked himself. He smiled to himself, then walked away.

Hydrogen Guy sipped his hot chocolate silently for several minutes, until he spotted Deuterium Boy heading his way.

Deuterium Boy
Hey.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey. I just had a chat with Hans-Raoul.

Deuterium Boy
Really? Did he try anything?

Hydrogen Guy
Just to make himself look clever. Any luck with Savadini?

Deuterium Boy
He says he'll do it. He'll meet us back in Maple Ridge tomorrow.

Hydrogen Guy
Terrific.

Java Serf
Ten thirty, you guys. I'm closin' up. Move it.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, Splongo. Thanks for the drinks and conversation.

Java Serf
Any time.

Deuterium Boy
"Splongo".

Hydrogen Guy
Fascinating story. I'll tell you about it on the way back to the De Broglie boards.

A busy nightclub somewhere in Manhattan. Robyn Cheung made her way to the bar, not quite oblivious to the appreciative looks she was getting from those she passed. She came in sight of the bar and spotted her rendezvous.

The Organ
Hey, babe. What kept you?

Robyn
Sorry, the dork kept me behind playing gopher while he postured for the competition.

She reached out and fingered his leather jacket.

Robyn
I'm just glad to be finally out of there.

The Organ
Yeah, me too. The Council's not the biggest barrel of laughs on the planet.

Robyn
You can tell me all about it... later. Let's dance.

His grin widened from confident to obnoxious.

The Organ
You got it.

She grabbed him by the collar and pulled him after her onto the dance floor.

The Dark Mage Cometh! Will the Diatomic Duo face the fires of the Infernal Plane to retrieve their greatest foe? Does Hans-Raoul have a sinister plot brewing? Is spongo edible? Watch out for part V of...

The Golden Claw
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!