Episode 57

- Part V

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: The Zxanxi space pirates have demanded that Earth hand over the Crustacean or they will destroy the planet. The Crustacean, however, has been dead for the past eight months. Deuterium Boy traveled to the dream lands to enlist the dark mage (and retired super-villain) Savadini to look into the possibility of a resurrection. Meanwhile, Hydrogen Guy had a not-entirely-friendly chat with Hans-Raoul, ICBC's observer at the super-hero General Assembly; while Hans-Raoul's executive assistant Robyn Cheung rendezvoused with a member of the Justice Council...

Day Three of the Zxanxi Crisis - Evening

The Vancouver Aquarium - the end of another long day. Miranda LaValle, marine biologist and curator of the Aquarium's invertebrates collection, sat at her desk cataloguing samples. She glanced at the clock on her desk. Damn, was it 9:30 already? Between the tourists and the never-ending series of staff crises, nothing ever got done during the day, it seemed. Oh well, she thought, it's not like I have a social life anyway...

Something shuffled outside her door, and she was jerked out of her blue reverie. She looked up in surprise.

LaValle
Hello? Who's there? Oh!

A shape emerged from the shadows, where it had managed to conceal itself despite being coloured like an exotic parrot.

Deuterium Boy
Please, don't be alarmed...

Miranda's breath quickened.

LaValle
You're --

Deuterium Boy
Deuterium Boy.

Damn, she thought.

LaValle
What... What can I do for you?

Deuterium Boy
Doctor LaValle -

He was here for her? Was this another "Red Shoe Diaries" dream?

Deuterium Boy
- I have to ask a very unusual favour.

LaValle
Anything.

She bit her tongue. Dammit, that came out a little too quickly.

Deuterium Boy
I need the strongest lobster you have.

LaValle
The - strongest - you want our strongest lobster?

Deuterium Boy
Yes.

LaValle
Why?

Deuterium Boy
I'm afraid I can't say.

She looked at him, groping for words. A strange thought occurred to her.

LaValle
Does this have anything to do with the tragedy in Melbourne?

He hesitated. He seemed to look her over, as if trying to decide if she was trust-worthy. Or maybe it was something else, she thought. She wished she'd worn the new Aquarium tank top...

Deuterium Boy
Actually, it does. I'm afraid I can't really explain how, but whether or not there are more attacks could depend on my finding the right lobster.

LaValle
Seriously?

Deuterium Boy
I've never been more serious in my entire life.

She very nearly melted into a pile of warm sticky goo. She took a deep breath and got up from her desk.

LaValle
Come with me.

He stepped back to let her pass, but she brushed past him anyway. She led him down the hall into the main exhibits area. Giant tanks lined the walls on three sides. She switched on the lights, revealing the tanks to be filled with all kinds of sea creatures - squid, crabs, octopi, anemones, sea urchins, starfish, lobsters, and tropical fish in as many colours as her visitor's costume.

She went to the far side of the right hand tank. She pointed out a large brown, green and white lobster, nearly three feet long.

LaValle
That's Admiral Pete. He's an American Lobster, Homarus americanus, caught twenty years ago off Cape Breton. He's two feet, nine inches long and weighs 28 pounds, 7 ounces. He'd be the strongest we have.

Deuterium Boy
How smart is he?

LaValle
Well, he walked into a lobster trap, didn't he?

Deuterium Boy
Never shown any inclination to take over the world, steal priceless jewels, buy alien mecha, that kind of thing?

LaValle
Well, he'll eat his own children if we leave them in the same tank.

Deuterium Boy
Good enough.

Miranda touched the glass and watched Admiral Pete shuffling around in the mud.

LaValle
I hate to let him go. Will you bring him back?

Deuterium Boy
Probably not. I'll be honest with you, Dr. LaValle --

LaValle
Miranda.

Deuterium Boy
Miranda. Admiral Pete probably won't survive what I need him to do. But you can be sure that in the future, every free human being walking the Earth will remember that he or she has Admiral Pete to thank for his or her freedom.

LaValle
Oh...

She looked again at the giant lobster, currently trying to decide whether a sea cucumber was something it could eat or mate with. Admiral Pete - Hero of the Free World.

She looked back to Deuterium Boy. She saw that he had a large picnic cooler with him. She glanced up to the open top of the tank.

LaValle
I guess I should go get a ladder and a net...

Deuterium Boy
That won't be necessary...

To her surprise - and Admiral Pete's - the lobster suddenly rose off the bottom of the tank and started rising to the top. When it reached the surface of the water it kept going, surrounded by a wobbling ellipsoid of water. Miranda watched in amazement as the blob of water containing the lobster floated over the edge of the tank and gently descended. Deuterium Boy swept the lid off the cooler and pushed it into position. When the blob was an inch or two above the top of the cooler, it fell apart and dumped its contents inside. Deuterium Boy quickly pushed the lid on before Admiral Pete could kick up a fuss, and snapped some improvised clamps onto it to fix it in place.

Straightening up, Miranda could see he was sweating profusely, as if he'd just finished some vigorous physical activity. His satiny shirt clung to his well-toned physique. Miranda felt faint, and wished that wasn't all she could be feeling.

Deuterium Boy wiped his brow on his sleeve.

Deuterium Boy
Sorry... moving a lot of water like that with a low deuterium content is hard work.

LaValle
Ahh... yes, of course. Hard, um, work.

He picked up the cooler by the handle. Admiral Pete was thumping around inside, repressed memories of the Nova Scotia lobster trap no doubt coming to the surface.

Deuterium Boy
Thank you very much, Miranda. The Free World owes you a great debt... as do I.

LaValle
Oh, it's, ah, nothing...

Deuterium Boy
Here, let me give you my card.

He flipped open a compartment on his belt, and pulled out a bright orange and green business card. He handed it to her. She tried to contain herself as their fingertips met briefly.

Deuterium Boy
Our agent will be in touch with you to arrange payment. Feel free to name your price. If there's anything else I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to call.

She nodded breathlessly. He waved, and then, suddenly, he was gone.

Miranda exhaled a long, trembling sigh. She looked at the business card, slightly damp at the corner where he'd held it. Then she dashed back to her office.

There had to be a spare frame around here somewhere.

Eighteen hours earlier...

Hans-Raoul grinned his most evil, scornful grin. The poor, poor, stupid mortals. He was stronger, faster, smarter, lived longer - in just about any conceivable way, Hans-Raoul was orders of magnitude better than they were. He was the Paris original, and they were the Hong Kong knock-offs. And they expected this to defeat him?

His mouse-hand flew across the desk at lightning speed, and his paddle responded. Mists, he thought, he could even see the time lag between his movements and the screen graphics. His paddle deflected the ball into the nearest stack of bricks, which disappeared and released a special power capsule. Hah! Now he had the lasers! The bricks in the level fell before him...

A knock at the door to his hotel room jolted him back to reality. Or at least, this reality. He quickly closed "Arkanoid" and maximized the Battle Armor Bob budget spreadsheet.

Hans-Raoul
Come in!

The door opened and Robyn Cheung entered. She tossed her strictly ornamental purse on a chair and shut the door. Hans-Raoul glanced at his task bar clock on his laptop- it was nearly quarter to four in the morning. She was still dressed in her club clothes.

Robyn
Don't you ever sleep?

Hans-Raoul
Being an evil genius requires 100% dedication. Nobody ever conquered the world by slacking off. Where've you been?

She sank down into the nearest chair and started removing her shoes, which looked like they'd been designed by someone with an interest in medieval weaponry.

Robyn
Ow... Finding out what Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are up to.

Hans-Raoul gave her his undivided attention.

Hans-Raoul
What?! How?

Robyn
Let's just say that being an evil slut requires 100% dedication.

Hans-Raoul
Really. You're more of a team player than I thought, then.

Robyn
Thank you.

Hans-Raoul
So what'd you find out?

Robyn
Enough Justice Council gossip to start a couple new files. Chuck War has resigned from Galactic Customs.

Hans-Raoul
Really... that's very interesting. So he couldn't stomach their refusal to get involved?

Robyn
Apparently not.

Hans-Raoul
And the Diatomic Duo?

Robyn
They're going to try to resurrect the Crustacean.

Hans-Raoul
WHAT?

Robyn
Apparently the shrimp-monsters demand Earth turn the Crustacean over within three days or they'll start pulverizing the planet. And they won't believe he's dead.

Hans-Raoul
So they're trying to bring him back from the dead?

Robyn
You expected them to be doing something that wasn't crazy?

Hans-Raoul
Not really, I just expected more garden variety craziness. Dressing up like Vbjielist missionaries and knocking on the Zxanxi's airlock, or something. Hmm... You know, this could be exactly the opportunity I need... If the Crustacean can't be summoned back, they may have to go get him. Which means traveling to another plane of reality. And that just happens to be one of my specialties.

Robyn
What are you talking about?

Hans-Raoul
Never mind.

Robyn
Okay, whatever. You sure you haven't been hitting the mini-bar?

Hans-Raoul
Of course not. So where did you get this information?

Robyn
From "The Organ".

Hans-Raoul laughed, and Robyn glared at him.

Hans-Raoul
Really? So tell me, why do they call him "The Organ"?

Robyn
It sure as hell isn't the reason you're thinking, pervert...

She pushed herself out of the chair and picked up her shoes and purse.

Robyn
I'm going to bed. What time's the flight?

Hans-Raoul
Seven-thirty. You've basically got just enough time to change and shower before we head to the airport.

Robyn
I sure as hell better get a raise for this...

Hans-Raoul
Don't worry, Robyn, your dedication will be amply rewarded.

Robyn
Which means another damned basket of soap. Great.

She slammed the door on the way out. Hans-Raoul stared off into space, thinking evil thoughts.

Some of them even surprised him.

A quick jaunt by de Broglie board took the Diatomic Duo back to Maple Ridge and the Hydrogen Cave. The following morning brought Savadini to their doorstep, complete with several carpet bags of unspeakable contents and a number of spare necromancer's robes. The dark mage waved off all hospitable offers of tea, hot chocolate and espresso, and asked to be shown to the laboratory. Next he demanded that the body of the Crustacean be brought to him at once.

By the time Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy had retrieved the jars of formaldehyde containing those pieces of the Crustacean that had been salvaged, Savadini had succeeded in converting their chemical laboratory into something resembling an alchemist's den from some medieval back alley in Cairo. Viles of foul-looking substances and unrecognizable animal parts labeled in Greek, Arabic, Hebrew, Egyptian Demotic, and other less wholesome scripts were spread across the lab bench, alongside modern commercial jars of chemicals. Various exotic objects were scattered about - wands, amulets, daggers, pipes, statuettes, and even stranger things, of materials ranging from wood, ivory and bone to iron, bronze and a hundred different minerals. The blackboard was half-covered in strange scrawlings that neither of them could interpret - Hydrogen Guy was a bit put out that Savadini had erased his group theoretic derivation of Maxwell's equations. Ancient scrolls of parchment were strewn about, and when the entered, Savadini was in the process of marking out a pentagram on the floor with indelible marker.

He sprang to when they set down the Crustacean's remains. He had them out of the formaldehyde in short order, and examined them closely. The remains were far from complete. Desdemona's bullet had shattered the thorax quite effectively, and aside from the inexplicable absence of the large right-hand crushing claw, a good deal of the "guts" were missing. In addition, despite the preserving fluid, there was degradation in several key structures. A replacement body, he concluded, would be needed.

The next step, Savadini said, would be to prepare a so-called "vital salt" from substance of the body, which would be essential in any attempt to summon the Crustacean back to Earth. In answer to a query from Hydrogen Guy, he admitted that this would destroy the body entirely. Hydrogen Guy protested that the Crustacean was physiologically unique, and that the body had not yet been studied properly. Savadini pointed out that they'd had eight bloody months to study the bloody thing already, hadn't they, and if they hadn't had a proper go of it by now, it was their tough bloody luck. Hydrogen Guy conceded this point.

Savadini
Bargain, mate. I'll battle the yakka, and we should have 'er ready to go this avro.

Hydrogen Guy
Are you speaking English?

Savadini
Sorry, mate. I said I'll get started here and we should know how things stand by this afternoon.

Deuterium Boy
What can we do?

Savadini
Glad you asked.

He handed them several pages of loose-leaf.

Savadini
I need you to pick a few things up for me.

They looked at the list.

Hydrogen Guy
Hm... I think the university has a copy of that... those are illegal in B.C.... adult novelty shop might have some of that stuff... where on Earth can we get one of those, though?

Deuterium Boy
I think Costco has them.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but what'd we do with the other 49?

Deuterium Boy
Give them away for Halloween.

Hydrogen Guy
Fair enough. All right, we'll get on it.

Savadini
Wouldn't mind an ear-bash with that alien Zen master and astrophysicist of yours, either.

Hydrogen Guy
Good luck. He should be around here somewhere... hey, where is Doug? I don't think I've seen him in weeks. He hasn't taken off to Vegas to blow our expense account on roulette again, has he?

Deuterium Boy
He's in the fridge.

Hydrogen Guy
What?

Deuterium Boy
He's been in the vegetable crisper since June. He says he's been communing with a great mystic in Wisconsin. You'd know that, if you cleaned the fridge out in July like you said you would.

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, I've been busy. [to Savadini] Feel free to barge in on him then. And, while I think of it, you might find item 16 on your list in a jar at the very back of the fridge.

Savadini
Stone the crows, mate... I'll summon the undead, but I'll tickle a dingo's tonsils before I go to the back of a bachelor's fridge. Some things man wasn't meant to know, mate.

By the time Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy returned, laden down with strange and eldritch shopping bags, Savadini was no longer alone. Doug, a bit moldy around the extremities, was propped up beside a boiling beaker of pale yellow liquid; and Reaper was watching Savadini curiously as he pored over a tray of yellowish-white crystals.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, it stinks in here... Hey, Reaper! A little professional curiosity, eh?

Reaper
[distracted silence]

Savadini
Deuterium Boy, you never mentioned you had a true blue Minion of Death roaming around.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah. Reaper's our Vice President in Charge of Kicking Ass.

Hydrogen Guy
So we got all your "supplies".

Savadini
Even number 28?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, though it was a bitch to find. We hit just about every "Value Village" and thrift shop in town. Forgive me for asking, but what necromantic use does a 1982 Vancouver Canucks souvenir jersey have, anyway?

Savadini
None, but I needed it to complete my collection.

Deuterium Boy
Any results from the vital salts?

Savadini
There's good news and bad news. Bad news is, a simple summoning won't do the trick. The old yabbie's stuck firm in the infernal plane.

Hydrogen Guy
So we'll have to go after him.

Savadini
'Fraid so.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, I hear Hell is lovely in the autumn.

Deuterium Boy
The brimstone really brings out the reds in the leaves.

Hydrogen Guy
What's the good news?

Savadini
I was able to pin down the specific plane of reality that he's stuck to. It's one of the Lesser Infernal Planes, kind of a suburb of Hades proper. The principal demon is a bloke called Aybabtu the Wingless, Majuscule of the Unrelieved and formerly the Herald of Tiamat. According to Lupenstein's Daemonologie, the Plane of Aybabtu is the destination of incompetent evil-doers, catch-phrase mongers, and writers of escapist fiction.

Hydrogen Guy
Sounds charming. Maybe we can rent a little bungalow, go there in the winter.

Savadini
The point is you're not too likely to run into any of the major brown-trouser calibre demons, though I won't guarantee anything. Your chances of survival are very, very slim as opposed to none whatsoever.

Deuterium Boy
You should really work for Aybabtu's tourism board.

Savadini
You drongoes taking this seriously or not?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, yes, of course we are.

Reaper
[philosophical silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Precisely. If we're going to voluntarily go into Hell to rescue one of our worst enemies, we're obviously stark raving insane, and the only possible thing to do is make bad jokes. So how soon can we get this crazy train rolling?

Savadini
I've started the preparations, and thanks to a spell from Doug here, we'll be ready to go when the moon reaches its zenith. That's about ten-thirty tonight.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. We'll leave you three to it. Oh, we still need to get you a body, don't we? Hey DB, you remember Miranda LaValle?

Deuterium Boy
Do I? She stuffed ice down my back at prom.

Hydrogen Guy
Turns out she's now the curator of the invertebrates collection at the Vancouver Aquarium. Wanna pay her a visit tonight and see if you can use your charms to get us a lobster?

Deuterium Boy
I guess so...

Hydrogen Guy
It'll be fun. You can practice your "Deuterium Avenger" routine. Now come on, we should check in with the League and the Justice Council, find out what's going on out there...

Chuck War poured himself another cup of coffee, rubbed his eyes, and settled down into his seat. The computer screen still showed the Galactic Customs "connecting" splash screen, and the cursor was a rotating hourglass. He was leaning back in his chair as the computer chimed and the screen changed to a video feed from Betelgeuse station. A man in his sixties wearing a GC uniform was looking back at him.

Gardner
This is a Galactic Customs channel, civilian. How can I help you?

Chuck War
Good to see you too, Luke. I thought I'd give you an update.

Gardner
Let's hear it.

Chuck War
We've got something resembling a coordinated counter-assault plan among the superhero community. We've rounded up about sixty aircraft and are in the process of making them into super-orbital craft --

Gardner
In whose facilities?

Chuck War
Sorry, Luke, can't hear you. There's static on the line. The local militaries are dragging their feet. A lot of them have contraband tech, but they're all reluctant to bring it out because they don't want their rivals to know what they have.

Gardner
Sorry Chuck, must be more of that static. What kind of tech did you say they had?

Chuck War
I don't think I did.

Gardner
I've noticed in his latest report that Radar still seems to think you're his partner. You haven't told him you resigned your commission yet, have you?

Chuck War
I guess not. Sorry, keeps slipping your mind.

Gardner
I'm sure. What are the Zxanxi doing?

Chuck War
They're busy. They spread a network of probes across the system, and they're making regular perimeter patrols with scout craft. We think they might have set up a ground base on the dark side of the Moon.

Gardner
Sounds like they're settling in.

Chuck War
We're going to check it out tomorrow.

Gardner
Where are you right now?

Chuck War
Melbourne.

Gardner
How are things there?

Chuck War
Bad. We're doing all we can to help the local emergency crews, but in the end there's not much more that super-powers and super-high-tech can do that they can't. Those guys are amazing.

He took a sip of his coffee.

Chuck War
How are things on your end?

Gardner
All right. GC's promising to send your replacement next week. They won't tell me much, but apparently his number one priority is going to be bringing you under control.

Chuck War
I bet... but I wasn't asking about GC.

Gardner sighed.

Gardner
Chuck, I'm sorry. I've talked to everybody I can think of , it's gotten to the point that people on the station are trying to avoid me when they see me coming. But all I have is one maybe and a handful of yeses conditional on coming up with the money. I'm afraid it doesn't look like I'll be leading any cavalry over the hill anytime soon.

Chuck War
Keep trying, Luke. I know it's all you can do from there.

Gardner
You know I will. Keep me posted, Chuck.

Chuck War
Will do. Let me know when my replacement shows up.

Gardner
Will do. Gardner out.

Chuck War shut down the connection and sat back again. Faintly he heard music coming from the somewhere down the hall. Taking his coffee, he got up and went to find the source.

It was in the break room of the intact office building they'd commandeer for the superhero command centre, the room they'd set up as a canteen. Patsy Cline was singing "Walkin' After Midnight" on the CD player, and the Green Gibbon was sitting, half-dozing with a bottle of beer. Chuck War sat down nearby, and he started awake.

Chuck War
Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.

Green Gibbon
No worries. It's a shame to sit here and let my beer go flat, anyway...

Chuck War
Glad to see you're finally taking a rest. You've been going non-stop since yesterday.

Green Gibbon
Just taking a break. There's so much to do... If I ever get my hands on those Zxanxi bastards...

Chuck War
Yeah, I know. I know... You like Patsy Cline?

Green Gibbon
Yeah. It's what I listen to when I need to keep going.

Chuck War
Interesting choice. Me, I listen to ABBA.

Green Gibbon
I won't tell anyone.

Chuck War
I appreciate it.

The Green Gibbon eyed his beer, then finished off the last few ounces.

Green Gibbon
I'd better get back out there...

Chuck War
Forget it. I'm heading back out myself pretty soon, you go get some sleep.

Green Gibbon
Thanks, mate, but it's my city out there...

Chuck War
Yeah, and it's my planet. And you'll be in a better position to help it after a few hours rest. As your acting CO, I order it.

Green Gibbon
All right...

He got to his feet, a task much more difficult than he initially suspected.

Green Gibbon
I heard you're going on recon near the shrimp fleet tomorrow.

Chuck War
Yeah.

Green Gibbon
Mind if I tag along?

Chuck War shrugged.

Chuck War
What about your city?

Green Gibbon
I feel like I owe it to them to take a look at what did this.

Chuck War shook his head.

Chuck War
Don't worry, you'll get your chance soon enough. No offense, but I'd rather have you on the ground, where you'll do the most good.

And where you won't take stupid, revenge-motivated risks, he added silently. The gibbon nodded.

Green Gibbon
All right. I suppose you're right... Oh, one last thing, I keep meaning to ask you --

Chuck War
Jeez, Gibbon, what's it take to make you go to bed?

Green Gibbon
Patience, mate. I keep meaning to ask - you know of any android girls working here?

Chuck War
Android girls? Why, hoping to get lucky?

Green Gibbon
Naw, it's just, right when the Zxanxi attacked, this super-android woman shows up and starts helping out. She disappeared not long after the attack ended. I tried looking for her at the Assembly and after, but I can't find any trace of her. I never got a chance to say thanks, is all.

Chuck War shrugged.

Chuck War
Honestly, I don't know any female androids operating right now. We'll keep an eye out as we keep cleaning up, maybe she was destroyed or damaged somewhere.

Green Gibbon
Hm. All right. Thanks, War. G'night.

Chuck War
'Night, Gibbon.

He headed down the hall towards the makeshift dormitory, and Chuck War stayed and sipped his coffee. When the Gibbon was gone, Chuck War waited until the current Patsy Cline tune was over, then went over to the CD player. He stopped the CD, pulled another case from his fatigue pockets, and switched CDs.

He sat back on the bench and closed his eyes, and quietly sang along with "Does Your Mama Know that You're Out?".

Hydrogen Guy was just slipping the last grenades into their backpacks when Deuterium Boy came in, carrying the cooler with Admiral Pete inside.

Hydrogen Guy
Success?

Deuterium Boy
Oh yeah.

He went over to the improvised fish tank in the kitchen and carefully dumped the contents of the cooler inside. Admiral Pete took a look around his new lodgings, and thrashed his tail in disgust.

Hydrogen Guy
Wow. Not bad.

Deuterium Boy
Meet Admiral Pete. Oh, and seeing Miranda LaValle again was quite entertaining.

Hydrogen Guy
Tell me about it later. Moon noon in six minutes. Take this.

He slung a bright orange backpack at his partner.

Deuterium Boy
Oof! Jeez, what's in here?

Hydrogen Guy
Everything. We don't know how well our powers might work on this "Plane of Aybabtu", so I'm making sure we have at least a few extra weapons. And I've got a super special surprise for any extra-tenacious Prince of Darkness we may meet in mine.

Deuterium Boy
Oh? What?

Hydrogen Guy
The Cheese of Chandraesekhar.

Deuterium Boy's eyes widened. The Cheese of Chandraesekhar, powerful enough to collapse stars into black holes, had come into their possession several years ago and had been a hazardous nuisance ever since.

Deuterium Boy
You're out of your mind.

Hydrogen Guy
No, actually, it's perfect. It's what I call "safe disposal". Come on, Savadini's waiting.

They finished strapping on their backpacks and headed down towards the lab. There they found Savadini, dressed in his formal black and gold robes and pointy wizard's hat, Reaper, and Doug, who had a miniature pointy wizard's hat of his own for the occasion.

Savadini
Right, lads, let's move it. The spells are primed, and all I need is you and the moon in their proper places. Step into the pentagram, if you will.

Reaper
[worried silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Reaper, but Savadini says he can only send two of us with this spell.

Savadini
And even that's a stretch.

Reaper
[further worried silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, I know. But look at it this way ... DB, I can't think of a good way to look at this.

Deuterium Boy
Chin up, Reaper. You can have the home entertainment system if we don't come back.

Reaper
[reluctant silence]

Savadini
You get a lobster?

Deuterium Boy
In the kitchen.

Savadini
Good. Now, important things to remember - I haven't a clue where in the Plane you'll end up, so be ready for anything. And I mean, anything. Don't count on the laws of physics operating as normal. Your primary task is to find the Crustacean and give him this amulet...

He handed a small yellow amulet to Deuterium Boy. It was little more than a crudely fashioned disk with a string through it; strange symbols were carved on either side of it.

Savadini
That's made of the vital salts I made form his body. It'll let me bring him back as I bring you back.

Hydrogen Guy
Speaking of which --

Savadini
I'm getting there. When you give him the amulet, say the incantation, and I'll bring you back. If you have to come back without him, just say the incantation while holding the amulet. The incantation is, "There's no place like home."

Deuterium Boy
Straight forward and a classic movie ref.

Savadini
Oh bugger... there's more, but we're out of time. Any last words of advice, Doug?

Doug
BEWARE THE STRAW OF THE BLACK TORTOISE.

Savadini
I have no idea what that means, but it's probably very good advice. All right, places! Reaper, get the lights and draw the curtain!

The lights went out, and Reaper drew back the curtain. The moonlight flooded in, eerily illuminating the many bizarre objects in the room. Several of them glowed unnaturally with their own strange inner light.

Savadini began speaking in an unfamiliar language. His voice grew low and guttural, barking out forbidden syllables that Hydrogen Guy did not even know the human voice was capable of. The pentagram in which they stood, and the ring of symbols surrounding it, began to shine with a disturbing orange-red light. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy moved as close as they could to the centre of the pentagram, instinctively afraid of the consequence of accidentally touching one of the luminescent lines on the floor.

Savadini's voice slowly grew in volume, and Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy gradually became aware that a mist was starting to form around them inside the pentagram. It grew thicker as the dark mage spoke, becoming a cloud of foul-smelling smoke which partially obscured their view. The combination of the light from the moon and the strange objects around them, along with the smoke, seemed to play tricks on their eyes. Hydrogen Guy thought he saw a shining black fluid churning in Doug's eyes, as the rubber bones in his face twisted into grotesque imitations of Savadini's; and Deuterium Boy, who was facing the other way, did not like the way Reaper looked at all.

Savadini was now speaking quite loudly. They felt heat rising around them; the smoke grew so thick that they could not see at all, at least nothing but the frightening and suggestive figures in the writhing cloud of smoke. Behind Savadini's steady chanting, a low rumbling sound grew in volume. It reached thunderous proportions, then suddenly Savadini shouted a word which sounded like he'd swallowed not only his tongue, but his teeth, lips and chin as well. There was a terrific, deafening crash, and a dazzling flash of intense red light. The stench of sulfur made them dizzy; then gradually, their senses cleared, and they realised they were no longer in the lab at the Hydrogen Cave.

They were standing at the top of a rocky point. The sky was a murky red, and there was no sun; the light seemed to suffuse from all directions. A hot, dry breeze blew from behind them; the faint smell of sulfur and the tang of ocean salt hung in the air, although they could see no water anywhere around them. The rock on which the stood was the pinnacle of a lumpy, distorted conical out-cropping, which seemed to rise sharply several hundred feet above a cracked, dry desert plane. To their right rose a distant range of mountains, over which hung thick storm clouds; every now and then they could see flashes of lightening. To their left and slightly ahead of them, the desert seemed to break into a series of rolling hills about halfway to the horizon. Nowhere could they see any trace of life.

Hydrogen Guy cleared his throat.

Hydrogen Guy
So... this is Hell...

Holy Sartre, Hydrogen Guy! Well, they did it. Our heroes have finally been sent to Hell. Or at least a suburb of it. Will they survive and find the Crustacean? Will they survive at all? And, most importantly, will Miranda LaValle call Deuterium Boy for some sweet, sweet lovin'?

Avalia
Not if I have anything to say about it, buster...

[Shush!] Well, anyway, find out about the rest in Part 6(66) of...

The Golden Claw
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!