The Vector of Doom - Part II

Last Episode: Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy went in search of a "Hawking Parliamentary Destabilizer", a device which can cause massive governments to explode through fluctuations in the electoral vacuum. They consult the Servomation Controller, an omnipotent and omniscient being known as N, who tells them the device is in the hands of a group of radical extremists led by Opposition Man. N then transports them to the top of a skyscraper in downtown Vancouver. Meanwhile, a Dark Presence is stalking the land and devouring innocent parachutists...

A brisk wind ruffles Deuterium Boy's hair, forty stories above the streets of Vancouver. The sky is clear and blue, with a few odd clouds scattered here and there for effect.

Deuterium Boy
By Inari the Shinto god of rice, Hydrogen Guy! What did N mean "Beware the Vector of Doom"?

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, you know these all-powerful demi-gods, DB. Always have to have the last -- LOOK OUT!!

He shoves Deuterium Boy roughly aside as a flaming shaft strikes the spot where they were standing. With an unholy yell, a bizarre humanoid creature falls from the sky after it. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy spring to their feet. Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil, as Deuterium Boy draws his saber (having recently upgraded from an epée to avoid embarrassment).

The creature appears vaguely reptilian, covered in red scales. It is clothed in the skin of some strange multi-coloured animal, like a leopard caught in a paint-factory riot. It's head is bedecked with orange-and-white feathers, and it isn't clear on first glance whether this is a head-dress or coiffure; at the moment, though, what's going on atop their assailant's head is not at the forefront of either of the Diatomic Duo's minds.

The creature grabs the flaming spear from where it had embedded in the roof, and launches itself at the Diatomic Duo. They attack with their swords, but the creature parries all their blows simultaneously with its spear. Making use of his super-atomic speed, Deuterium Boy dodges around behind it. But the creature is just as fast, knocking Hydrogen Guy under the chin with the butt of its spear, and then twirling around to meet Deuterium Boy with the point.

However, it failed to hit Hydrogen Guy with enough force to render him inactive. With an aching jaw and wounded pride, Hydrogen Guy conks the creature on the back of the head. It crumples to the ground unconscious.

Hydrogen Guy
What the HELL was all that about ?!

Deuterium Boy
Suppose he's the "Vector of Doom"?

Hydrogen Guy
Tell me why we shouldn't toss him off the edge of this building!

Deuterium Boy
His body could hit an innocent bystander.

Hydrogen Guy
Hrmph. Good point.

He glances around, for the first time since their arrival, taking in his surroundings.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, DB, isn't this the McGonnigle Building?

Deuterium Boy looks around as well

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, you're right. It has to be, there's the Scotia Bank over there...

Hydrogen Guy
This is the place with that new café on the ground floor! The place that specializes in Albertan coffees, "The Steaming Cowpie". I've been wanting to try it for a while now.

Deuterium Boy
Let's go!

A few minutes later, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy walk into "The Steaming Cowpie". They are greeted by Lloyd, the waiter.

Lloyd
Hi, I'm Lloyd, I'll be your waiter.

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
Hi Lloyd!

Lloyd
Two?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure.

Lloyd
Super-powers or non-super-powers?

Deuterium Boy
Super-powers, please.

Lloyd
Right this way.

He leads them to a table underneath a gratuitously large pair of steer horns.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah! This will do nicely.

They sit down.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll have the... Hot Calgary Cocoa, please.

Deuterium Boy
Can I get the Lethbridge Latté with heavy water, please?

Lloyd
Sure. Coming right up.

He leaves.

Deuterium Boy
How's the jaw?

Hydrogen Guy
Aching.

Something at the door catches Deuterium Boy's eye.

Deuterium Boy
Uh-oh, HG. Look who just walked in.

The red-skinned reptilian creature, carrying his flaming spear, rushes across the café to their table.

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, cripes... hey buddy, I don't think you can smoke in here.

Gareth
You!

Hydrogen Guy
Look, we don't want to bust up the people's nice café, so if you want to start something...

Gareth
No, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. I come as a friend.

He sits down. Hydrogen Guy eyes the spear suspiciously, his hand hovering over the Ruler of Elendil.

Deuterium Boy
You have a demented way of showing it.

Gareth
Among my people, it is tradition for heroes to fight before they team up.

Hydrogen Guy
What, you're from "Marvel"?

Gareth
Many years have I wished to test Tobo, the Spear of Flaming Fire, against Hydrogen Guy and the fabled Ruler of Elendil.

Hydrogen Guy
It couldn't be that many, we're still pretty new at this.

Gareth
Time is an illusion for those of us that travel the dimensions of the infinite universes.

Hydrogen Guy
[aside] Lunch-time, doubly so.

Deuterium Boy
Even so, we don't enjoy being attacked.

Hydrogen Guy
Why would we want to team up with you, anyway?

Gareth
I am Gareth Prime, the Hunter. I have been tracking a creature of great danger across the infinite universes for quite long. It entered your Universe recently, in the city called Ottawa.

Hydrogen Guy raises an eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh?

Gareth
Yes. The man you call "the Black Rose" left open a gateway to an adjacent universe. The Vector of Doom slipped through, and I followed. It has traveled your country. We have had many battles. It is now here.

Deuterium Boy
Did you say "the Vector of Doom"?

Gareth
It is what we called it in my people's tongue. It is a mathematical construct, from a universe of idealized platonic forms. It has the thirst for blood.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, that's lovely. Loose in Vancouver you say?

Gareth
Yes. I would ask your assistance - the end of the hunt is near. I feel it growing tired. I would wish that two warriors such as you join me in making the kill.

Hydrogen Guy
Right. Thanks, Gareth, but we're pretty much booked up for the rest of the day. We'll have to pass.

Gareth
But the Vector of Doom is stalking your city! There will be much death unless we stop it!

Hydrogen Guy
I have utmost confidence in you and Toto the fire stick here to handle the situation.

Gareth
Do not mock Tobo!

Hydrogen Guy
And might I remind you that Earth is classified by Galactic Customs as a developing world, and that aliens are strictly forbidden from running amuck as if they owned the place. Especially hunters. So I suggest you finish up your vector-hunt post-haste and clear out.

Gareth
And is this your view as well, Deuterium Boy?

Deuterium Boy
Essentially. Sorry, Gareth.

Gareth
Very well.

He stands. He activates a control on his belt, and a circle of white energy appears in mid-air next to their table. Other patrons of the café glance jadedly in his direction, then return to their coffees and newspapers.

Gareth
Perhaps we will meet another time, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.

He steps into the circle and disappears, as if stepping through a door. And like a door, the circle closes behind him.

Hydrogen Guy lowers his head onto the table.

Deuterium Boy
You okay?

Hydrogen Guy
This is turning out to be a crap day.

Deuterium Boy
HG, maybe if this Vector of Doom is as dangerous as he says, we should postpone looking for Opposition Man and help him?

Hydrogen Guy
First, that creature attacked us for an incredibly stupid reason. That automatically makes me disinclined to help him. Second, he is here illegally, which is true. We're doing him a favour by not tipping off Chuck War.

Deuterium Boy
That's true, but N did say...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, but both N and this Gareth are total loons. Seriously, if this guy knows what he's doing, he'll take care of the Vector of Doom. If not, we'll still have time to wrap this Parliamentary Destabilizer business before we deal with him.

Deuterium Boy
All right. So where are we going to look for the Parliamentary Destabilizer?

Hydrogen Guy
That's a good question. The machine is massive - it'll require at least one floor of a three-story building for the Destabilizer itself, and at least one other floor for the cooling system. So a three-story building is pretty much what they'd need to house it. That's not easy to hide. And yet it should be fairly obvious if they were building it anywhere nearby...

Deuterium Boy
Wait, Hydrogen Guy! Look who just walked in!

Hydrogen Guy
Oh God, not again... who is it this time?

Deuterium Boy
It's Albertan backwoodsman and outspoken Reform party activist Clem Heffelmeyer!

Hydrogen Guy turns to see a wiry man in a plaid flannel shirt, jean overalls and bespeckled gum boots talking animatedly with Lloyd the waiter.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! What are you doing?!

Deuterium Boy
Waving him over... he was thrown out of the Reform caucus last week, he might be able to give us a lead on this Complete Annihilation Party.

Heffelmeyer spots him and says a few concluding remarks to Lloyd, who rolls his eyes and walks back to the coffee bar. Heffelmeyer approaches the Diatomic Duo's table beneath the steer horns.

Heffelmeyer
How do, poten-she-al future constituents.

Deuterium Boy
How do, yourself, Mr. Heffelmeyer.

Hydrogen Guy
Hi.

Heffelmeyer
Please call me Clem, boys.

Deuterium Boy
Care to join us, Clem?

Heffelmeyer
Right neighbourly.

He sits.

Hydrogen Guy
So Clem, how are things Reform Party-way?

Heffelmeyer
Boys, the Clemster's been asked right unceremoniously to resign by that pack a' jackals. I'm no longer with Wimpo Manning and his namby-pamby politicos.

Deuterium Boy
Oh? What brought this on?

Heffelmeyer
Mister-and-I-use-the-term-loosely Manning objected to my expressing my freedom of speech whereby I drove my '85 Dodge pickup into the House of Commons and backed over the Speaker's cloak (while he was wearin' it), as my way of protestin' the Liberals' [hoark SPIT] lefto-nutso policies on justabout everything.

Hydrogen Guy
That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

Heffelmeyer
Son, that's just what I said, but I was asked to pack up my desk and gun rack all the same. As of that afternoon, I am roving Critic-without-Portfolio for the CAP.

Hydrogen Guy
That would be the Complete Annihilation Party?

Heffelmeyer
The very same.

Deuterium Boy
Vigorous and fascinating grass-roots movement, so I hear.

Heffelmeyer
Yessir, my friend, yessirree with a stick. Sees how we reckon it, it's all this leftist federalist malarky, taxes and so-called "social programs", and us belongin' to fascismo organizations like NATO and the United Nations. Confidentially like, boys, I used to be none too fond of these Kweebek separatists, but since I joined the CAP I'm a seeing that they're just regular folk like us true Reformers, fed up with all this bullpuckey that's been coming down the pipe. Understand?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, I see.

Heffelmeyer
Now our party's Leader has some real visions for how to turn this country around. Yep. Stuff like work camps for leftists and lay-abouts, and a social reordering, as he calls it. Put them multi-culturalists in their place, too. Make the trains run on time and roll back taxes.

Deuterium Boy
You're describing a virtual utopia, Clem.

Heffelmeyer
That's just what the fellas from ICBC said, son. "Yoo-topia". Big supporters of CAP goals, those folks.

Hydrogen Guy
It's a great time to be a backwater conservative.

Lloyd approaches with a trayful of hot, steaming beverages.

Lloyd
Here's your Calgary Cocoa, and the Lethbridge Latté with heavy water ... and your three Redneck Cappuccinos with an extra shot of whiskey, to go, Mr. Heffelmeyer.

Heffelmeyer
[grunts to Lloyd] [to HG and DB] Here's an idear, boys, you both seem really keen on what CAP has to say, why don't you come back to the party research centre with me and meet the Chief?

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, we're dying to meet him!

Deuterium Boy
Well, that is right neighbourly, Clem. Don't mind if we do.

Heffelmeyer
Dadgum, boys, it'll be a hoot! Let's go!

Hydrogen Guy
Lloyd, make these drinks... to go.

Moments later, hot beverages in hand, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are careening through Vancouver's streets in Clem Heffelmeyer's '85 Dodge pick-up.

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
WHOOOOOOAAAAHHH!!!!

Heffelmeyer
Keep t'yer side of the road, ya damn fool idjit!!

Hydrogen Guy
No offense, Clem, but this *is* his side of the road.

Heffelmeyer
A feller needs room, son! This ain't no Suburu!

Deuterium Boy
I'll say. I don't think I've ever seen a truck this big with fewer than 18 wheels.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, if it was any smaller, he couldn't fit the moose-head in it, could he?

Heffelmeyer
Darn tootin', son! Dinky cars are for panty boys!

The primer-coloured behemoth careens around a corner, toppling over a mailbox, a newspaper box, and a Ford Aspire.

Heffelmeyer
Say, boys, I don't think I caught your names.

Hydrogen Guy
Er.. you don't recognize us?

Heffelmeyer
Nope. Should I? You dress kinda strange.. you guys in one of those "glam rock" bands all the queers get such a kick out of?

Hydrogen Guy
Err...

Heffelmeyer
Hey, I don't got a problem with that. Hell, CAP's got room for queers and punks. They gots rights. Nothing wrong with'em a good whuppin' wouldn't cure.

Hydrogen Guy
[waves] Goodnight, folks!

Deuterium Boy
Uh, actually, we're..

Hydrogen Guy
AirCare!

Deuterium Boy
AirCare workers! Right, they make all of us wear these fruity suits now. It's special protection against car exhaust.

Hydrogen Guy
Special fabric.

Deuterium Boy
Right. My name's Jeff, and this is my brother Mel. We were just on our lunch break, you know, all those carbon monoxide fumes make you powerful thirsty for a heavy water mocha latté. Isn't that right Mel?

Hydrogen Guy
You bet, Mel.

Deuterium Boy
I'm Jeff, YOU'RE Mel!

Hydrogen Guy
We're both Mel! Mel... Melkowski! I'm Mel Melkowski, he's Jeff Melkowski. Sometimes we just call each other Mel to make it less confusing.

Deuterium Boy
It's kind of a running gag.

Heffelmeyer
So y'ain't glam rockers?

Hydrogen Guy
Nope.

Heffelmeyer
Know where I could meet some?

Deuterium Boy
Uhh...

Hydrogen Guy
So, Clem,... what's new on the Complete Annihilation front? Any exciting new developments?

Deuterium Boy
Yes, we're just dying to know!

Heffelmeyer
Well... there is somethin'... y'all understand this here's strictly hush hush...

Hydrogen Guy
Of course!

Deuterium Boy
Certainly!

Heffelmeyer
But anyway since you boys are real grassroots sorta people, I don't see no harm in it. See, the Chief and some scientist-types from ICBC have been building this machine... Looks kinda the ol' washing machine I used to have out on my front lawn, but it's got all these hoses and parts of it glow and stuff. The Chief says they've been supin' it up real good, and it's really gonna shake up them Easterners back in Parliament!

Hydrogen Guy
[Aside] Great Scott! A new, more powerful Hawking Destabilizer... [to Heffelmeyer] That's fascinating, Clem.

Deuterium Boy
[gives HG a worried look] We'd love to hear more about it...

Heffelmeyer
Whup! We're here, boys!

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
Ooof!!!

Heffelmeyer
Well, you boys can hear it from the Chief himself! Actually, he could probably use your expert opinions. The gizmo's been smokin' a little, we think it might be the tailpipe...

They clamber out of the truck, which Clem has parked at a disconcerting angle half-way up on the sidewalk in front of what appears to be an abandoned warehouse.

Hydrogen Guy
Sort of a low rent part of town for a political office, isn't it, Clem?

Heffelmeyer
We're tryin' to keep close to the grass-roots, if ya know what I mean. Away from the "soul-less minny-uns of orthodoxy", as the Big Guy says.

They follow Clem through a door to a furnished reception area - bland desk, bland carpet, bland walls, bland plants. A receptionist is sitting at the desk stuffing envelopes. She does not look up.

Heffelmeyer
Bun ma-tan, Renée-Marie. Here's yer cappuccino.

Receptionist
Burn in hell, federalist pig-dog.

Heffelmeyer
Just bringin' these boys in to meet the Big Fella. Is he here?

Receptionist
Oui. Anglo swine.

Heffelmeyer
Thanks! [to HG & DB] C'mon, boys.

Heffelmeyer heads down a hallway past a couple of empty offices, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy close behind him. They walk into the central part of the warehouse. It is a large empty space, filled with various obscure pieces of machinery that are definitely not part of your typical political office. Several workbenches are overflowing with tools, gadgets and circuitry. What appears to be a disassembled aircraft engine sits in one part of the room, and in another part is a computer mainframe and cooling system on a raised platform.

Hydrogen Guy
Interesting layout, Clem.

Heffelmeyer
Yup, this is where the Big Guy and them ICBC eggheads' been working on that gadget I mentioned.

He halls up his overalls and peers around the room. A movement in the shadows catches his eye. He sticks his pinkie fingers in his mouth and whistles.

Heffelmeyer
Hey, Chief! It's Clem! I gotta couple supporters here wanta meetcha!

A large shape steps out into the light, its shadow looms over Heffelmeyer and the Covalent Crusaders. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy recoil in horror, as Clem Heffelmeyer continues grinning.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Deuterium Boy
Sweet Mother of Einstein, no!!

Opposition Man
Pray to thy gods, mortal worms, destruction is at hand!! Prepare to meet thy doom!!!

Great Scott! What fresh fiend is this? Have Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy been led into a trap? And what about Gareth the Hunter and "the Vector of Doom"? Find out all this and more in the titillating conclusion of ...

The Vector of Doom
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!