Episode 60
- Part VIII
... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
The Story So Far: Adventures in Hell - Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy meet the unique challenge of Joyful Ned and get away with the Alpacas of Heresy; Hans-Raoul and Robyn Cheung arrive at the Castle and meet the demon-lord Aybabtu the Wingless, who reveals itself to be an equal-opportunity tormentor, taking them prisoner. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the time of the Zxanxi invasion is only hours away...
An empty television studio. A lit white backdrop is surrounded on three sides by abandoned cameras, microphones, cables, etc. Hydrogen Guy walks casually in from stage left.
Hydrogen Guy
Hello! I'm Hydrogen Guy, and I'd like to
welcome you to my Sixtieth Anniversary Special. Wow, can you believe it's been
sixty episodes already? It seems like only yesterday that -
Deuterium Boy rushes in from stage right, waving his arms frantically.
Deuterium Boy
Hold it! Hang on a second!
Hydrogen Guy
Ah, Deuterium Boy. I smell tradition in
the air, don't you?
Deuterium Boy
We can't have a Sixtieth Anniversary
Special now! What about the Zxanxi? What about our adventures in Hell? What
about Hans-Raoul?
Hydrogen Guy
Ha ha ha... I wouldn't worry, DB - we'll
get out of all that easily and be back to the same old, same old soon enough.
And I especially wouldn't worry about that bungler Hans-Raoul.
Deuterium Boy
Well, I'm not really...
Hydrogen Guy
And why should you be? A Vallene lord who
can't even kill a pair of mortals like us? He couldn't kill a fly with its legs
and wings pulled off if you handed him a fly-swatter. He's supposed to be a
genius of strategy, yet what has he accomplished?
Deuterium Boy
Nothing.
Hydrogen Guy
Nothing. And he will continue to
accomplish nothing. He is a chronic underachiever among a race that proclaims
itself the master of all realities. He has no social standing among the Vallene.
He severed all ties to his adopted family, the only ones in Dan who didn't look
on him as an idiot. And his only friend is a Viliad outcast who will stab him in
the back as soon as he's out-lived his usefulness. The powers of his race are
wasted on him, and he's a disgrace to his line.
Deuterium Boy
Too bad. He could have accomplished so
much.
Hydrogen Guy
Too bad, too bad. But now, DB, you and I
will have free reign. Soon enough we will be an army of Elementals. Then the
Mages will return, and complete the Grand Experiment that they began before
Hans-Raoul interfered. Mages and Elementals will walk the pathways of all
reality. The Vallene and the Viliad will go to war once more, and the Column of
Val will be laid waste. Hans-Raoul could have prevented it, of course... Ah
well. Might-have-beens, right, DB?
An enraged scream comes from somewhere off-stage. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy look at one another, then off in the direction of the sound. Hydrogen Guy gestures for Deuterium Boy to follow, and walks out from in front of the backdrop and past the cameras and other television stage debris.
Hydrogen Guy laughs as they approach the source of the scream. At the back of the sound-stage is Hans-Raoul, naked, his body covered in cuts and welts from a tormentor's whip, chained to a large wooden wheel, propped up against the back wall. He struggles to free himself, and glares wild-eyed at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.
Hans-Raoul
NO!! You're not real!
The Diatomic Duo laugh.
Hydrogen Guy
Aren't I? You of all people should know
how fluid what is real can be.
Hans-Raoul
Release me!
Hydrogen Guy
No. Why don't you break free?
Hans-Raoul
I can't. The chains are enchanted.
Hydrogen Guy
Are they? Or have you just grown so weak
that even average feats of Vallene strength are beyond you?
Hans-Raoul growled and renewed his struggles. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy laugh again. Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil, glowing a fiendish red, and stabs it into Hans-Raoul's side. Hans-Raoul screams. Hydrogen Guy smirks as he twists the Ruler in the wound, then pulls it free. Deuterium Boy is nearly doubled over in laughter.
Hydrogen Guy
Weak, weak, weak...
Hans-Raoul clenches his teeth.
Hans-Raoul
I know... what you are. You will SUFFER for
this INSULT!
Hydrogen Guy
YOU will make ME suffer? I don't think you
understand, "my lord"!
He snaps the Ruler in both hands, and throws it aside.
Hydrogen Guy
You see, Hans-Raoul Galerkin, son of
Menander son of Val, of the Estate of Ziphael, I know what you are. You
are an arrogant, useless little shit with delusions of grandeur - just like all
of the so-called "Masters of Reality" on the Column of Val. I am more than you.
I transcend all of the Megaverse. I control every reality, and
all beings are my willing servants. When the Vallene speak of mastery, it
is just empty words. When I speak of mastery... it is the truth.
Hans-Raoul
You... are not... my master.
The false Hydrogen Guy threw his head back and laughed. The sound cut through Hans-Raoul faster than the blades and whips his tormentors had used on him before. For the first time in his life, Hans-Raoul was afraid.
Hydrogen Guy
Hans-Raoul... wake up and smell the
coffee. You are a VILLAIN! You killed BILLIONS in your war on the Ancient
Republic, and you intend to kill billions more by wiping out the remnants of the
human race in Universe 458549L-UJ/6. Ask the real Hydrogen Guy whether you serve
me or not!
Hans-Raoul
They're only mortals. They're barely
sentient... it's regrettable, but necessary.
Hydrogen Guy
Listen, listen... regrettable but
necessary! Surely the Viliad said the same when they were slaughtering Vallene
villages in the Great War? They did my work then...
Hans-Raoul
It's not the same!
Hydrogen Guy
It's all the same, Hans-Raoul. All beings
are my agents... I thrive on the evil you do. The Zxanxi served me when they
destroyed Melbourne. You serve me when you seek to destroy the Earth, and
Hydrogen Guy will serve me when he kills you and plunges the Column of Val into
war... Evil is inevitable, Hans-Raoul. Your only salvation is in
despair.
The Plane of Aybabtu, Tea Time
Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
[singing] ... tall
cappuccino on the wall, one tall cappuccino! Take one down pass it around, no
tall cappuccinos on the wall!
Deuterium Boy
Okay...
Hydrogen Guy
One more time! [singing] Ninety-nine tall
cappuccinos on the wall, ninety-nine--
Deuterium Boy
HG! Enough! We've sung it SIX TIMES
already!
Hydrogen Guy
It'd be bad luck to stop before
seven!
Deuterium Boy
It'll be bad luck for you if you don't
stop at six!
Hydrogen Guy harrumphed. They were in hour six of the ride through the Valley of Anal Rape. The ground alternated between parched and lifeless soil, gravel, and hard stone, with the occasional gnarled, dead tree thrown up as a concession to aesthetics. The valley was narrow, perhaps 500 m across at its widest point. The part they currently rode through was narrower still, little more than a glorified canyon. On the west side, the Range of Fungal Necrosis rose as a nearly shear rock wall, kilometers high. To the east swelled the Range of Tumours, rising more gradually in a series of slopes and terraces. The Diatomic Duo kept their Alpacas of Heresy close to the west side, reasoning that it provided less cover for potential ambushers.
Hydrogen Guy
All right, all right. My throat's getting
sore, anyway. Hell's bad for your sinuses, have you noticed this?
Deuterium Boy
I hadn't noticed. The pain in my butt and
legs has been distracting me.
Hydrogen Guy
I hear you. I hope it won't be too much
farther. Like it or not, we may have to stop soon...
Straight ahead, they could see the end of the valley in the distance, and the towering Enduring Peak of Anguished Regret, wrapped in dark storm clouds. They sky above them was a sore-looking pink, and it darkened steadily to nearly black around the terminal Peak.
Hydrogen Guy pointed to his right.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, DB, there it was again.
Deuterium Boy
What?
Hydrogen Guy
Another burst of green flame, in those
hills over there.
Deuterium Boy
Just ignore it and it'll go
away.
Hydrogen Guy
Somehow I don't think that's a healthy
attitude in a place like this.
Deuterium Boy
Trust me. This place is like the dream
lands, only worse. Curiosity kills a lot more than cats, and ignorance is bliss.
The worst horrors are the ones you stumble across by asking too many
questions.
Hydrogen Guy
Where would Galileo and Newton have gotten
with an attitude like that?
Deuterium Boy
Um, Galileo might not have spent half his
life under house arrest, and Newton might have gotten laid. But seriously - if
the green flame doesn't bother us, don't go bothering it.
Hydrogen Guy
I'm just worried that bothering us is what
it has in mind... C'mon, Simon, pick up the pace...
He dug his heels into his alpaca's ribs, but it just snorted angrily in return. They rode on for another three-quarters of an hour. Hydrogen Guy tried to ignore the green flashes to the east by keeping his eyes on the peak straight ahead in the distance. This worked until he started to see the flashes out of the corner of his other eye, from somewhere up on top of the sheer wall to the west. Finally, Deuterium Boy called a halt.
Hydrogen Guy
What's up?
Deuterium Boy
Sorry, HG, but I think if we don't stop
for a half hour or so, we won't be able to climb off these things even if we
wanted to.
Hydrogen Guy
Okay. We'll stop and have a snack. I
brought powdered latté and hot chocolate mix.
They stopped next to a dead tree, to which they tied the alpacas. Deuterium Boy cut some branches off the tree and Hydrogen Guy scraped together some moss and dried shrubs. With the help of a lighter, they had small fire going in just a few minutes. Hydrogen Guy held a single cup tea-kettle over the fire with the Ruler of Elendil.
Deuterium Boy
It's those old Cub Scouts
instincts.
Hydrogen Guy
Me, I only got as far as
Beavers.
The smoke from the fire smelled as bad as everything else they'd encountered so far. The alpacas sniffed and grunted restlessly.
Suddenly, a high-pitched squeal echoed through the valley. The Diatomic Duo leaped to their feet, Hydrogen Guy dropping the kettle into the fire, where it boiled away unheeded. He stood with the Ruler at the ready, his other hand hovering near the pistol on his belt. Deuterium Boy had two semi-automatic pistols out. They scanned the area around them warily. Several seconds passed by; nothing happened.
Hydrogen Guy
See anything?
Deuterium Boy
No. You?
Hydrogen Guy
No. Don't smell anything either, but then
I've smelled nothing but rotten eggs and sheep farts since we got here.
Whatever's out there, I suggest we flush it out into the open.
Deuterium Boy
Shall I speak the incantation of
summoning?
Hydrogen Guy
Go for it.
Deuterium Boy cleared his throat.
Deuterium Boy
HG... I have a bad feeling about
this.
Hydrogen Guy jumped back a split seconds before the attackers landed. They leapt from above, free-falling from some hidden cave hundreds of meters up in the rock. More dived at Deuterium Boy from an out-cropping of rock on their other side, towards the eastern mountains. They were surrounded by eight of the things - each towering over seven feet, mockingly human with pig heads and tusks, barbed claws, leathery skin like crude natural armour, and razor-sharp hair down their backs. They brandished rough and grotesque spiked and bladed weapons of some blackish metal. They were entirely nude, and below the waist resembled certain comically over-proportioned fertility figurines. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy failed to see the humour in the eight appendages waving menacingly at them as the creatures attacked.
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy instinctively took up a back to back stance, aware that the wild boar-men hadn't stopped by to ask if they'd seen any truffles. The Diatomic Duo opened fire, strafing the attackers. The bullets tore into the creatures, spraying gore and ickiness in a wide radius. Hydrogen Guy dispatched those who got two close with the Ruler of Elendil, whacking off heads with abandon. The fight was over in less than five minutes. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stood ichor-splattered in the centre of a circle of dead boar-men.
Hydrogen Guy
Well... I'd say tea break was over.
Duke?
Deuterium Boy
Holy $#%&!
Hydrogen Guy
Right. Let's get the hell out of here, no
pun intended.
Abandoning the teapot, they untied the alpacas - who seemed entirely unfazed by the whole incident - and climbed back on. They resumed traveling.
Hydrogen Guy
It brings up a fascinating ontological
question, though.
Deuterium Boy
Save me from your ontology. What is it
this time?
Hydrogen Guy
If you're evil, you go to Hell when you
die. But what if you're a demon and you're already in Hell when you die, what
happens?
Suddenly a green mist appeared on the road ahead of them. It swirled briefly, then condensed into eight angry wild boar-men.
Deuterium Boy
Apparently you respawn a few hundred
meters down the road! Look out!
The boar-men rushed the riders. Simon Magus threw Hydrogen Guy - he toppled over, and landed on his back in the dust behind. A boar-man leaped on top of him. Hydrogen Guy thrust the Ruler of Elendil into its belly and pushed it off him, then groggily got to his feet.
Deuterium Boy was surrounded by five of the creatures, and was fending them off with one gun while trying to keep control of the alpaca Cain with the other. Hydrogen Guy looked around for the other two. He spotted them not far away - they had captured Simon Magus. One had the Alpaca of Heresy pinned with its claws while the other - how to put this delicately - was "having a go" at it with Bacchanalian vigour. From the alpaca's frantic struggles, it did not appear to be enjoying the experience.
Suddenly the dominant boar-man tense and dug its claws into the alpaca's flesh - and then the alpaca exploded. A torrent of bright green flame burst through the alpaca's chest - and incidentally, cooking the second boar-man. Hydrogen Guy realized, with a sickening lurch, that Deuterium Boy had been right about the inadvisability of curiosity.
Deuterium Boy
HYDROGEN GUY!
Hydrogen Guy instantly whirled around and the Ruler of Elendil sliced through the chest of another boar-man, which had been rushing him from behind. Deuterium Boy, he saw, had dispatched two others, and was now simply trying to keep two others with gaping wounds from pulling him off his mount.
Hydrogen Guy's attention was brought back to the horrific scene in front of him by a series of low grunts. The boar-man was extricating itself from the charred remains of the alpaca. A small jet of the green flame remained at tip of its lower appendage, like some kind of hideous pilot light. Hydrogen Guy felt an over-powering wave of hatred and revulsion wash over him. Gripping the Ruler with two hands, he launched himself at the demon with a barbaric yawp. The creature swung its iron club at him, but missed. Hydrogen Guy slashed at it with all his strength, and castrated the abomination in a single stroke. As his momentum carried him literally over the falling creature, it burst into flames.
Hydrogen Guy whirled around to see Deuterium Boy, still astride the remaining Alpaca of Heresy, staring at him.
Deuterium Boy
What --
Hydrogen Guy shook his head to clear it.
Hydrogen Guy
Don't ask, you don't want to know... Great
Feynman's Ghost, not again...
All around them, clouds of green mist were solidifying into boar-men. The creatures renewed their attack.
Deuterium Boy
DAMMIT! DIE, DAMN YOU!!
Two more boar-men fell as he emptied his pistol at them. He hurled the empty gun at a third and struck it in the head. It staggered over, momentarily stunned.
Deuterium Boy
Waitaminute...
He counts silently. Hydrogen Guy was dodging and slashing at four; two were bleeding on the ground, and one more was recovering from the blow to the head and trying to decide whether to attack him or join its pack-mates against Hydrogen Guy.
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! There's only seven this
time! What did you do to the one that exploded?!
Hydrogen Guy
What?! I - hah! - castrated it!
Deuterium Boy
That's it! That's how you kill
them!
He jumped off the alpaca and drew his sabre. With his other hand, he drew his remaining pistol. The groggy boar-man took a rush at him, and he shot it point-blank. It fell, and with the sabre hacked off its breeding equipment. The creature burst into flames just like the one Hydrogen Guy had berserkered.
Deuterium Boy cut penii off the two others he'd shot, then joined the fray with Hydrogen Guy. HG had already felled one boar-man, and Deuterium Boy dispatched it permanently while Hydrogen Guy fended off those remaining. The battle was then two on three, and as Deuterium Boy still had a half clip left in his pistol, it didn't last long. They castrated the rest and then walked back to where Cain waited placidly. The boar-men did not respawn again.
Hydrogen Guy
That had to be the most vile, disgusting
fight I've ever been in. And now we're short one Alpaca of Heresy.
Deuterium Boy
You're telling me you didn't find that
strangely erotic?
Hydrogen Guy waved the Ruler at him menacingly, splashing Deuterium Boy's already filthy costume with slime.
Hydrogen Guy
That is so NOT even funny. Don't even
joke, I'm serious.
Deuterium Boy
Okay, okay. Jeez... guess I'm just more
inured to the unspeakable than you are.
Hydrogen Guy
Well, you were a lifeguard...
Deuterium Boy
Yeah, but you read RHOD.
Hydrogen Guy
Fine, consider me chastened.
Deuterium Boy
At least you're still chaste.
Hydrogen Guy
Stop it!
Deuterium Boy
Sorry, sorry...
He looked at Cain speculatively.
Deuterium Boy
Think he can seat two?
Cain gave a wet Bronx cheer and nodded his head. Deuterium Boy shrugged.
Deuterium Boy
Okay. Front seat or back seat?
Hydrogen Guy finished cleaning the Ruler off with his cape and sheathed it.
Hydrogen Guy
No offense, but after that joke, I'm
taking the back seat.
Deuterium Boy
Oh, grow up...
They climbed onto the alpaca. Deuterium Boy gave Cain a nudge in the ribs, and he started off.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, you didn't see what that thing did to
Simon Magus.
Deuterium Boy
I'm sure I can find an MPEG somewhere on
the Internet.
Hydrogen Guy
I'm just glad we didn't leave Joyful Ned a
deposit...
They rode on.
When Hans-Raoul regained consciousness, he was no longer in the sound-stage. He was still chained to the wheel, but now he seemed to be in more traditional dungeon - torches, iron maidens, racks, etc. Madame Tussaud's meets Anne Rice.
Every atom in his body seemed to be throbbing in pain. Weakly, he raised his head to get a better look around. Across from where he was hung, a throne of stone was half-hidden in darkness. In it sat the Adversary, still wearing the appearance of Hydrogen Guy. Its eyes gleamed independently of the torch light.
Hans-Raoul
Wah...
The Adversary said nothing. It watched Hans-Raoul calmly.
Hans-Raoul
What... do you want... with me...
Adversary
Nothing.
Hans-Raoul
Why...
Adversary
Because I can.
Hans-Raoul tried to hold Its gaze, but his head sank back down to his chest, seemingly of its own will.
Adversary
Don't worry, Hans-Raoul. It won't be much
longer.
There was a rattling from across the room. An iron bound door swung open. The huge bulk of Aybabtu the Wingless lurched into the dungeon. It stopped and knelt before the throne.
Aybabtu
My Prince, they approach.
The Adversary nodded.
Adversary
Thank you, Aybabtu. You've been very patient
with me here, as I usurp your realm.
Aybabtu
All realms are Your Own, My Prince.
Adversary
Did you bring Ms. Cheung with you?
Aybabtu
She waits without.
Adversary
Send her in, and go see to it that Hydrogen
Guy and Deuterium Boy are treated properly.
The monstrous arch-demon bowed, then backed away and out the door. In a moment, a small, slender figure entered, and stepped forward into Hans-Raoul's vision. His draw dropped.
Robyn was perfectly coifed, as always. She was draped in a silky, nearly transparent black gown. Underneath this she wore unmentionables of black leather, that left much to the imagination although they covered almost nothing. On her feet were black silk slippers, and she still wore her square-frame Buddy Holly glasses. She carried a lack miniature backpack over her left shoulder, and in her right hand was a half-eaten pomegranate. She strolled unhurriedly over to Hans-Raoul.
Hans-Raoul
What... Robyn?
Robyn
My Lord.
She bit into the pomegranate.
Hans-Raoul
How...?
Robyn
The Adversary and I came to an arrangement,
Hans-Raoul. It's nothing you need to worry about.
Hans-Raoul
This is... another trick...
Robyn
No, I'm real. See?
She approached him and ran her hand down his injured chest. Hans-Raoul grimaced.
Robyn
Ouch. Sorry. You don't look like you've been
having a good time.
Hans-Raoul managed to summon up enough strength to laugh mirthlessly.
Hans-Raoul
I'm having a fabulous time... can't you
tell?
Robyn
Your kink is okay, it's just not my kink.
Here.
She shoved the pomegranate into his mouth. He spat it out and spluttered.
Hans-Raoul
No thanks. Haven't you ever read the story
of Hades and Persephone?
Robyn
'Course I have. Her mistake was treating the
situation as a problem, not as an opportunity...
She unzipped the backpack, and from within she produced a large skeleton key and an elegant hand mirror.
Robyn
These are for you. Let's get out of
here.
Hans-Raoul
What... Robyn, It's watching...
He stared over her shoulder. She glanced around to the throne, where the image of Hydrogen Guy still sat, smiling cruelly.
Robyn
It'll hear us whether It's in the room or not.
Are you coming, or aren't you?
Hans-Raoul looked at her warily. It could be another trick, or she could be real. She acted like Robyn. The mirror was real - he could feel its pull. Or could the Adversary reproduce that too? Either way, he was at Its mercy, no matter what choice he made. If he refused this offer, It would find another way to get him...
Hans-Raoul
All right, get me off this thing.
She unlocked his chains and he collapsed to the ground on his hands and knees. He reached out a hand, fumbling for the mirror. She pressed it into his palm. He clasped it like a lifeline - which it was. His aching mind made a connection with it, reached out into the Mists. A trickle of life energy came back to him.
When he got to his feet, he was clothed in the colours of his House - pants and jacket a deep navy blue with a deep red cap. The boots were a little tight, but they always were when he worked that spell. Robyn stood back and clasped her hands together, miming maidenly awe.
Robyn
Very handsome.
He ignored her. He slipped the mirror into his pocket and turned towards the throne. This time his own image, dressed identically, looked back at him.
Adversary
You are free to roam the Castle for one hour,
though I take no responsibility for anything else that happens to either of you.
At the end of that hour, you will have left this plane of reality - otherwise I
return both of you to your chains.
Hans-Raoul
Why are you letting me go?
Adversary
Are you objecting to the terms?
Hans-Raoul
No. It's just you're being surprisingly
fair.
His twin laughed.
Adversary
Why? Because I can... There are two ways to
torment a man, Hans-Raoul. One is to chain him in Hell forever. The other... is
to merely show him Hell, and then make him live with it.
Hans-Raoul tried to think of a suitable response, but couldn't. The Adversary laughed again as Hans-Raoul turned and strode out of the dungeon. Robyn rushed after him into the corridor.
Robyn
Hey! Are we getting out of here, or
what?
Hans-Raoul
First we find the Crustacean.
Robyn
Holy shit, you are such an idiot. I free you from
being tortured by Satan and you wanna hang around and visit old friends? Christ,
you could at least say thank you...
Hans-Raoul
Thank you. We came here for a reason. We are
NOT failing this mission.
Robyn threw up her hands.
Robyn
As you wish, my lord. But we haven't left in
forty-five, I'm grabbing that damned mirror and leaving by myself.
Hans-Raoul
You couldn't, only a Vallene can use that
mirror.
He turned a bend in the corridor and nearly trod on one of the squat mushrooms-with-legs. He bent over and grabbed it by what he thought was its neck. Six eyes bulged out of hidden sockets and it made a noise like a moose choking on a ham bone. He hauled it up to his eye-level.
Hans-Raoul
The Crustacean. Where is he?
Mushroom
Ehh I don't know nuttin leggo me ya big
*URK*!
Hans-Raoul
The being called the Crustacean. He comes
from Earth, Universe 458549L-UJ/6. He died eight Earth months ago, and he was a
half-witted super-intelligent lobster. Tell me or I start pulling off
legs.
Mushroom
Aw THAT Crustacean sure ya I can show ya jus
pumme dahn and I'll lead ya right to'em!
Hans-Raoul
Nu-uh. No double-crosses. You give me
directions, and we'll walk there together.
Mushroom
Fugginbastad OKAY OKAY jeesh jus' jokin okay
down here then take the firs' right...
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy practically rolled off the back of Cain, Alpaca of Heresy, and collapsed on the ground. Hydrogen Guy stretched up, grabbed hold of the gleaming brass plaque, and hauled himself to a nearly vertical position. He helped Deuterium Boy to do the same.
Hydrogen Guy
*whimper*
Deuterium Boy
I'll be bowlegged for the rest of my
life...
He looked up at the Castle Gates. Thunder and lightening crashed over-head.
Hydrogen Guy
Nice touch...
He straightened up, with effort. His back made an unpleasant popping sound. Then he realized that it was, in fact, the alpaca.
Hydrogen Guy
Suppose we should send Cain
back.
Deuterium Boy
Right... say his name backwards, was
it?
Hydrogen Guy
Whatever.
Deuterium Boy turned towards the alpaca.
Deuterium Boy
Thanks for everything. Tell Ned we're
sorry about Simon Magus, and we'll send him a case of beer or
something.
The Alpaca of Heresy grunted rudely. Deuterium Boy said "niaC", and the animal vanished in a burst of smoke and brimstone.
Hydrogen Guy
I'm looking forward to when we can do
that.
He reached up to straighten his tie, and it disintegrated in his hands. He shrugged and tossed it aside. He was just thinking of a witty comment to make to Deuterium Boy when the gate clanked and swung open slowly. He shrugged again, and they forged ahead.
They crossed the bridge without incident and reached the foyer. The slimy head-and-leg that was the porter greeted them affably.
Porter
'Allo, 'allo. 'Ydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, if
I'm not very much mistaken? Right then. You're expected, gents. You'll be
wantin' to go directly to the Crustacean, I suppose?
Hydrogen Guy
Ah... if it's not too much
trouble?
Porter
None at all, I'm sure, sir. Right then, if
you'll just follow Nicky 'ere, 'e'll take you down to the lower levels. Booth
number #1764. I wouldn't wander off, there's some nasty surprises down below, if
y'take my meaning...
He flicked the gong with his tongue, and the squatling skittered out from wherever these things skitter. It lead them down the left-hand staircase.
They climbed down, down, down, further and further into the mountain. The temperature rose steadily as they descended. Every six steps along the wide spiral of the staircase was a stone door, mortared into place, with a number chiseled into it.
Finally, they came to a door marked "1764". The temperature had grown nearly unbearable. The creature guiding them made a noise like a crystal chime, and the door disappeared. They were instantly assaulted by an even more intense wave of heat.
"The Crustacean", intoned their guide in a James Earl Jonesian voice.
Hesitantly, the Diatomic Duo stepped into the chamber. Booth #1764 was a giant cave, insanely hot, and far too large on the inside than what it should have been, from the outside. There were numerous pools of boiling lava, and stalactites and stalagmites joined to form crude natural columns.
Hydrogen Guy
Well, now this is more like it.
Deuterium Boy
Where is he?
Hydrogen Guy
Over there.
He pointed. In the center of the chamber was an enormous metal pot with steam rising from it. A bored-looking demon with six arms leaned on a spear nearby.
Cautiously, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy tiptoed around the lava pits towards the pot. The demon gave them an interested glance as they approached, then resumed ignoring them. They peered into the pot.
Sitting in the middle of it, chest deep in hot water, was a shrivelled little man. His skin was a dull red, which could have been lobster-like, or could have been just a bad burn. His face had a pinched look to it, which did, Hydrogen Guy admitted, remind him of the Crustacean.
Hydrogen Guy cleared his throat. The demon and the little man both gave him their attention. Neither seemed particularly interested.
Hydrogen Guy
Ah... the Crustacean.
The little man sighed.
Crustacean
Yes, yes. Get on with it.
It was definitely the Crustacean's voice.
Hydrogen Guy
Crustacean? Uh... hi. It's me. Hydrogen
Guy.
Crustacean
I can see that. Well, go on.
Hydrogen Guy
Go on... with... what?
The Crustacean's immortal soul sighed again.
Crustacean
You must be new at this. I'll start you off.
"So, Crusty, finally in that pot of boiling water, eh? Ha, ha. What a fitting
torment." Then you poke me with that infernal Ruler of yours.
Hydrogen Guy
Ah... no, no. I'm not, uh... dammit, DB,
jump in here or something.
Deuterium Boy
Crustacean, we're not demonic apparitions
come to taunt you. We're the real Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, and we've
traveled here from Earth to bring you back.
The Crustacean looked slightly surprised.
Crustacean
What?
The demon consulted a watch - it wore at least two on each arm. It "hmphed" loudly.
Demon
Yeah. Gotta be, still two hours 'fore the next
apparition.
Crustacean
You -- you're really Hydrogen Guy and
Deuterium Boy?
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. Wanna see the scar on the back of my
neck?
The Crustacean ducked his head under the water, swallowed a mouthful, then popped back up and spat it at Hydrogen Guy.
Hydrogen Guy
Hey!
Crustacean
Idiots! That's for killing me!
Hydrogen Guy
Hey, weren't you listening? We're here to
bring you back. To life. On earth. No more hellfire and damnation. Get
it?
Crustacean
HA! Why, may I ask, would you do something
so blitheringly insane as come to Hell to find me?
Deuterium Boy
Long story short - aliens shrimp have
invaded the Earth, and they're threatening to flatten the place if we don't
produce you.
Crustacean
That's ludicrous.
Hydrogen Guy
Tell me about it. Do we look happy to be
here? DB, give'em the amulet and let's go.
Crustacean
I refuse to go anywhere with you.
Hydrogen Guy
WHAT?
Crustacean
It will give me immense pleasure to know
that you and your pathetic monkey civilization have been eradicated by an
obviously superior race.
Deuterium Boy
You mean you'd rather be tortured for all
eternity than come back to Earth and have another shot at world
domination?
Hydrogen Guy
DB, ixnay, on the orldway
ominationday...
Deuterium Boy
I'm trying to sell it to him...
Crustacean
Torture? Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh,
humans! Do I LOOK tortured?! This "boiling" water is barely warmer than
bath-water! This idiot --
He points a rather claw-like hand at the demon.
Crustacean
-- couldn't be bothered to flay me alive
after the second week!
Demon
Eh. I'm union, they can't fire me.
Crustacean
And the MORONS they bring in to
"psychologically torment" me use a script so bad it's like a third-rate
web-serial! The only hellish thing about this existence is the INCOMPETENCE of
my tormentors!
Hydrogen Guy
Now isn't that ironic.
Crustacean
I will admit, the whole experience is
infernally dull, and perhaps in another decade I will have been driven mad from
boredom. But while I still have all my wits, I refuse to help you or your
pathetic planet.
Hydrogen Guy
Don't make me come in there.
Demon
Hey. Do I gotta call security?
Hydrogen Guy
Go back to sleep.
Deuterium Boy
But aren't you the least bit curious
about why these aliens want you so badly?
Crustacean
No. Most likely they wish to kill me, in
which case returning with you will not get me any further ahead than I am now.
All the same, I must commend their leader for his commendable project and his
recognition of my crucial importance to your dry little world. What is this
noble beings name, so I may praise his name when I begin to gibber from
ennui?
Hydrogen Guy
The Golden Claw.
The Crustacean leaps to his feet.
Crustacean
What did you say?!
The demon languidly jabs him in the ribs with his spear. The Crustacean slaps the point away irritably, and the demon shrugs his six shoulders and gives up.
Hydrogen Guy
They call him the Golden Claw. He
apparently took control of these Zxanxi pirates about six years ago and
--
Crustacean
By the claws of Pontus! Can it be?
Deuterium Boy
What? You know him?
Crustacean
I have never met him, but I have read of
him... the Golden Claw is my brother.
DRAMATIC MUSIC!
Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!
Deuterium Boy
Holy Castor and Pollux!
Crustacean
This changes everything... As much as I
dislike assisting you, I cannot let my brother reign unchallenged. Give me the
amulet!
Hydrogen Guy
Good man. Or, whatever.
Hans-Raoul
Not so fast, Crustacean.
Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium, the Crustacean, and even the demon whirl around. Hans-Raoul and Robyn Cheung are standing at the doorway. In his hand is a sword.
Great Feynman's Ghost -- SQUARED! How can the Golden Claw be the Crustacean's brother? Will Hans-Raoul poop on the party before it even gets started? And will we ever get the image of the wild boar-men out of our heads? Find out in part IX of...
The Golden Claw
Same Hydrogen Time,
Same Hydrogen Website!
Demon
That's it. I'm callin' security.