Episode 62

- Part X

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: In the Infernal Plane of Aybabtu, Hydrogen Guy and Hans-Raoul fight-and-then-team-up^TM. Together they defeat the arch-demon Aybabtu with the mysterious and deadly Cheese of Chandraesekhar. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy use the amulet provided by the Dark Mage Savadini to return to the Hydrogen Cave with the Crustacean. Savadini successfully restores the Crustacean to the body of Admiral Pete, and the Crustacean tells the Diatomic Duo how the Golden Claw was created by the same mad scientist who created the Crustacean himself. Our heroes, Reaper, and the Lobster Lazarus travel to Tunguska, where Chuck War is leading the preparation for the counter-attack on the Zxanxi. Chuck War's partner Radar discovers Chuck's deception about his resignation; the rag-tag fleet takes off into the unknown. Will it be absolute defeat, or improbable victory? And can the Crustacean turn the tide?

Oh, and Hans-Raoul and Robyn Cheung finally got it on.

The ICBC ships were sleek, black cylindrical fighters with small atmosphere fins near the rear. The blue ICBC logo could be seen painted on the nose. Chuck War recognized them as last year's model out of the Quirinian shipyards. The ICBC gunboat, also black, was another Barthak gunboat, also a recent but not new model, but much newer and in better condition than the Ugandan ship.

Chuck War shook his head. Nice of them to pitch in, of course, but with that kind of fire power... He wondered how much ICBC had still on the ground. Resignation or not, if he survived the coming battle, he would send a detailed report about all the alien tech that was slipping in under GC's nose.

The ICBC squadron joined the superhero fleet silently. Only a few words of acknowledgment were exchanged between Chuck and the ICBC leader. The superhero fleet spread out so as to surround the new-comers on four sides; the Corporation was known well enough that nobody wanted the ships behind them unwatched.

The atmosphere in the back of the GC transport was tense.

Hydrogen Guy
Everybody, one more time!

All
^%%Ninety-nine tall cappuccinos on the wall, ninety-nine tall cappuccinos!^%%

Reaper
[baritone silence]

Well, maybe not so much. But the atmosphere in the cockpit was tense.

Pilot
I'm going back there and ripping out their sound membranes, one by one.

Chuck War
Humans have vocal chords, not sound membranes.

Pilot
Whatever.

Chuck War
So does this mean I can put in "ABBA Gold", then?

Pilot
NO... We're clear of the Moon's transmission shadow... I'm picking up a build-up of small craft near the Zxanxi fleet.

Chuck War
Getting ready for the invasion, or were they expecting us, I wonder?

He opened a hyperwave channel to the Zxanxi flag ship.

Chuck War
This is the First Fleet of the United Nations of Earth, hailing the Zxanxi flagship. We have the Crustacean. Please respond.

They waited. Chuck repeated the message.

Pilot
Six fighters heading our way. Do you want us to move the transports to intercept?

Chuck War
No, let'em get a look at the fleet.

Pilot
That's gonna mean an engagement, you realize. No way you're gonna stop these guys from hitting back.

Chuck War
It's what we've been preparing for, Flarm.

The pilot gave a wasp-like shrug.

Pilot
In for a keprak, in for a gobliak, I guess.

Chuck War opened a radio channel to the fleet.

Chuck War
Here they come, everyone. May the Cosmic Pie be with you.

The Zxanxi fighters were almost within visual range when an alarm went off on the control board.

Pilot
Cloak-cutter's activated! They're not alone!

Chuck War
Didn't think so...

Space around the six incoming fighters wavered, and suddenly they were joined by ten disk-shaped gunboats. The fleet's radio channels erupted, and the Terrans surged forward. Energy beams and missile tracks criss-crossed through space, exploding against defense shields. The EVA squadron swarmed the fighters, whose pilots were surprised to find themselves fighter enemies smaller than they were for a change.

Chuck War
Everyone, stay defensive. EVA's, concentrate on the fighters. Mod ships hang back, leave the gunboats to the real spaceships for now. Piece, keep your EVA unit shielding the transports...

The six fighters didn't last long. Two gunboats exploded, and the remaining eight started falling back towards the rest of the fleet. The ICBC squadron pressed forward relentlessly, followed close behind by the American, European and Chinese ships. Damage reports flowed in; two EVA members had to be taken on board the other transport with minor injuries, and several ships reported minor malfunctions, but there were no casualties yet.

The battle had begun.

It seemed like every Zxanxi fighter from all fifty War Crabs were waiting for them. The two fleets collided like two hostile sandstorms. It took the combined efforts of Chuck War and Alpha Man to keep track of the details of the battle; Alpha Man had the advantage of being in the midst of the fighting while Chuck concentrated on getting the transports to the Zxanxi flagship.

The Zxanxi fighters outnumbered them by nearly six-to-one. The Terrans, however, gained a slight advantage from their wide variety of attacks - when dueling with a flying superhero, the Zxanxi pilots had no idea what sort of superpower they had to defend against. Alpha Man and Force Ranger seemed to be having an unofficial contest over who could take out the most fighters. The Zxanxi were inflicting their share of casualties. Speed Freak's sister Bright was one of the first EVA'ers to die; it took the combined strength of six heroes to restrain him from ripping through the side of the transport to get to her. The modified ships held up fairly well, although Chuck noted morbidly that they seemed to explode more dramatically than the ships of alien design. Nonetheless, he was encouraged by telemetry which showed the numbers of the Zxanxi small craft diminishing much faster than the Terran ships were.

The War Crabs were for the most part hanging back, only firing the occasional shots at any ships that got too close. Chuck was about to comment on how long this could last, when a very large explosion ripped through a War Crab on the far side of the fleet.

Chuck War
What the -- ? What happened?

Pilot
I'm not detecting any of our ships in that sector.

Explosions erupted from a second War Crab nearer to them.

Pilot
I don't understand this --

Chuck War
Holy crap... look...

Three ships had suddenly appeared ahead of them. They were shaped like Medieval longboats, with arching prows in the shape of dragon-heads. The eyes of the dragons were glowing. They had large wings, shaped to look like swan's wings; the wings moved, as if flapping, as the ships sailed through space. Chuck could see no other reasonable means of propulsion, and what was worse...

Pilot
Are those things made of wood?

A cheerful voice from directly behind them answered.

Puck
How are you gentlemen!!

Chuck leapt out of his seat and whirled around, his Argon Blast Cannon drawn.

Chuck War
What -- Puck?!

He found himself look at the image of a man with a youthful appearance and disheveled sandy blonde hair. He was dressed in tattered brown and green rags and leaves.

Puck
Space Ranger Puck, at your service, Field Commander. I trust the Fey Ships are not unwelcome?

Chuck War Of course not. You just took me by surprise.

The sprite bowed.

Puck
My apologies. I know it's bad form to just appear on somebody else's ship in the middle of a battle, but I couldn't resist the temptation to pop in and declare that all your base --

Chuck War
Those are your ships attacking the destroyers? How many do you have?

Puck
Enough for our purpose, and I'll say naught else.

He turned his gaze out to the battle outside.

Puck
It was through Oberon's hand alone that a score of fair people did not die in Melbourne. Many have argued before now that the time has come for us to once again be counted amoung Mankind, and on this occasion, the King relented. Until the hurly-burly's done, until the battle's lost and won...

Chuck War
Puck, I appreciate the support, but unless you have something important to say --

Puck
Forgive my rambling. Carry on the fight, Field Commander. We'll be there where we're needed.

Chuck War
If you keep at the War Crabs, I'll -- I don't know, leave you a bowl of milk on the garden step or something every night.

Puck laughed.

Puck
A fine bargain! See it done and we'll bear your standard high. You know what you doing. Take off every Puck! For Great Justice!

The apparition vanished. The pilot turned and looked at Chuck.

Pilot
Are you done talking to yourself, or should I take over?

Chuck War
Huh? Sorry. I think I just got a transmission from those wooden ships.

Pilot
Well, tell them to keep drawing the War Crab's fire... two hundred kilometres to the flag ship and closing.

Discussion inside the transport was hushed and limited as the battle raged outside. Speed Freak - Darryl, Hydrogen Guy reminded himself - was the most silent of all. A group of American comrades had rallied around him in quiet communion.

There were no portholes in the cabin, and the passengers received no information about what was happening outside. The evasive swerves and dives of the transport were completely dulled by the ship's alien anti-inertia system - which Hydrogen Guy tried not to think about as a physicist. The only sign to those inside that something dramatic was happening outside was an occasional thump or vibration, or flickers of the lights when power was diverted momentarily to the energy shields.

Hydrogen Guy focused on clearing his mind and getting back to the zazen that this whole mess had interrupted, seemingly months ago. Heck, it seemed like a completely different Universe ago. Hydrogen Guy pushed these disorienting thoughts aside, and let his mind stop. He thought without thinking.

Time seemed to flow around him like a creek around a stone, until he heard Chuck War's voice and he was suddenly swept back into the current. Hydrogen Guy looked with everyone else as Chuck stepped into the cabin, his Argon Blast Cannon in hand.

Chuck War
We're coming up to the Claw's ship in ten minutes. Get your breathing gear on, and I hope everyone here can swim. Valkyrie K, Reaper, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, I need you four up here for a second.

They met Chuck up in the cabin. He handed them breathing apparatus that looked like some kind of advanced SCUBA gear, complete with fishbowl helmets.

Chuck War
Valkyrie K and I will go in first. HG and DB, you'll be in charge of making sure the Crustacean gets to his family reunion. Reaper, you'll make sure they get there in one piece.

He unlocked the overhead bin and pulled out the Crustacean's bubble. He handed it to Deuterium Boy.

Crustacean
Finally! I resent being treated like so much simian luggage! Are we there yet?

Deuterium Boy
Almost.

Crustacean
I am anxious to get out of this blasted hamster ball. It smells like a pet store.

Valkyrie K

She pulled a very large, grotesquely decorated pistol out of a side holster and stalked away.

Reaper
[dreamy silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Just be cool, Reaper. Chicks dig cool.

They headed back to the aft cabin.

Pilot
We're in range.

Chuck War
Anyone seen us?

Pilot
Don't think so... and if they have, Piece is making sure they don't tell anybody.

Chuck War
Great. Extend the tunnel-way.

The transport matched its speed and trajectory precisely to that of the lead War Crab. A hatch opened in the rear of the transport, and a collapsible tunnel-way slowly extended towards the ship. The tunnel-way was a cylinder of woven carbonitride fibres, extendible to almost a half kilometer, and completely collapsible. The leading end of the tunnel-way bumped up against the large ship's strong inner shield.

Most large craft have their shields in several layers or shells. The outer shell extends up to a kilometer or more around the ship, and protects against high-speed micro-meteorites; it's useless against energy weapons or large objects. A secondary shell reflects incoming radiation or destructive energy beams, but does not stop large masses. The final or armour shield creates a hard screen around the ship, sometimes invisible, sometimes opaque, which is supposed to stop anything that gets through the first two shields - missiles, very powerful energy beams, large rocks, and transports carrying boarding parties. Being the most expensive energetically, it's usually only raised when needed, and extends only a few meters above the surface of the ship.

One of the advantages of being with Galactic Customs - or, being with them until very recently - is access to all kinds of military-grade hardware that's restricted even for planetary governments. This kind of technology includes oscillator circuits which can destructively interfere with the armour shield.

The head of the tunnel-way was thus only stopped for a second or two; then slowly, like a stick being pushed through very thick mud, it oozed its way through the shield. Once through the shield, the tunnel-way, which ended in an airlock, broadcast an override signal to its opposite in the side of the ship, convincing it that it was friendly and that this was a perfectly normal docking procedure. The two airlocks clicked together like Lego blocks, and the airlock started cycling. Within seconds the water "atmosphere" of the War Crab was flowing into the tunnel-way.

Pilot
We're connected. Make it fast, that tunnel-way's not rated for water.

Chuck War
Right. What's the status of the other transport?

Pilot
Their tunnel-way's just hit the armour shield on the starboard side. They'll be inside just a few seconds after you.

Chuck War
Good. Wish us luck.

Pilot
Think it'll help?

Chuck War
Nah.

The boarding party made their way through the tunnel-way single file, half-swimming, half-walking. This, thought Hydrogen Guy, is going to be interesting.

Chuck War emerged into the War Crab shooting, and a sizable group of Zxanxi pirates were waiting to shoot back. The airlock was at the end of a short corridor. The Zxanxi were gathered at the other end where it intersected with a wider corridor.

The others dashed in as quick as they could, avoiding the pirates' energy beams. One of the other heroes created a one-way energy screen to block some of the Zxanxi shots, but the boarding part was still pinned down.

Deuterium Boy scooted up next to Chuck War.

Deuterium Boy
How many?

Chuck War
About two dozen, I think. Is everyone out?

Deuterium Boy
There's about eight backed up in tunnel.

Two Zxanxi stuck their thoraxes out too far, and Chuck's plasma cannon sent them tumbling back through the water.

Flarm's voice came over Chuck's helmet radio.

Pilot
Chuck, you okay?

Chuck War
Not too bad, just busy.

Pilot
There's a whole group of fighters heading our way, too many for Piece and the rest to handle. You need to get everyone out of the tunnel, now!

Chuck War
We're stuck where we are. The Zxanxi have us pinned down.

Another pirate fell.

Chuck War
Call them back!

Pilot
They won't make it in time, those fighters are almost here!

Chuck War
Flarm!

Pilot
I have visual contact! I'm firing, but they ain't slowing down! Get them out, now!

Chuck was about to respond, when Valkyrie K pushed him aside. She stood to her full height, pointed the Demon Gun of Kali down the corridor, and fired.

The blast literally tore through the corridor; the energy beam shoved water molecules out of its path at relativistic speeds, causing the corridor walls to be buffeted by insanely power shock waves. The other heroes crouched behind their defensive shield for dear life.

Valkyrie K shouted something over the comm link which they took to be an all-clear, just as Flarm was yelling frantic warnings to empty the tunnel. The last stragglers rushed into the ship and Chuck hit the airlock door.

Chuck War
Flarm, go!!

Outside the ship, the transport suddenly accelerated, tearing the flimsy tunnel-way linking it with the War Crab. Eight delta-wing Zxanxi fighters swooped after it, cannons blazing.

Back inside the ship, the boarding party stared in astonishment on the remains of the corridor. The walls had been torn to shreds for a hundred meters down the corridor. All that was left of the Zxanxi were some organic looking piles of char, which, Deuterium Boy conceded, could just as likely have been insulation.

Chuck War
Where the hell can I get me one of those?

Green Gibbon
Now that's what I call throwin' a shrimp on the barbie.

Valkyrie K said something nonchalantly, and holstered the gun.

Chuck War
Okay, split up. HG, DB, Reaper, you have lobster duty, the rest of us will try and make it to the bridge.

The three split off from the rest of the group at the corridor intersection.

Hydrogen Guy
Keep in touch.

Reaper waved adoringly at Valkyrie K, who either didn't notice him or pretended not to.

Crustacean
Can you please let me out if this damned bubble now?

Hydrogen Guy
Settle down, already. You have any idea where this Golden Claw might be hiding?

Crustacean
I had the opportunity once of looking at a War Crab brochure when visiting a Tornazi trader. The War Crab is built by the Thyrix, who are not dissimilar to hive-insects. The Golden Claw has probably ensconced himself in the Hive Queen's chambers at the heart of the ship.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, you are useful after all.

Reaper
[impatient silence]

Crustacean
Well, I don't know, you albinoid freak. I said I looked at the brochure, not memorized the blueprints.

They rounded a corner and stopped. Coming directly towards them, in sort of a cross between a march and a swim, were about fifty Zxanxi. The Zxanxi spotted them and stopped.

Up until now, none of them had had a good look at the Zxanxi (and most of them would have preferred to postpone the opportunity). They stood around five and a half feet tall; they stood upright on six long, many-jointed walking/swimming legs. They had two more pairs of limbs at the upper half of their thorax, which were thicker and ended in four pointy, double-jointed fingers rather than claws. Their abdomens and thoraxes were curved, like that of a shrimp, so that even standing upright they looked hunchbacked. Their head and "faces" looked purely crustacean, with black, beady segmented eyes and frighteningly large mouth organs.

These Zxanxi had their bodies draped in short red tunics. A belt was wrapped around their waists, bearing a pair of scabbards and two small, pentagonal shields.

As if they were a single individual, the phalanx of Zxanxi cavaliers each drew two long, curved sabres from the sabres with their upper arms, and brandished the paired shields with their lower arms.

Hydrogen Guy drew the Ruler of Elendil. On his left, Reaper dropped into a ready crouch, holding his mono-planar scythe at the ready. On Hydrogen Guy's right, Deuterium Boy drew his sabre with one hand, and unlatched the Crustacean's ball with the other.

Deuterium Boy
There. Go find your brother.

The Crustacean, of course, couldn't hear him, lacking a radio. But his meaning was clear.

Crustacean
Feh! It's a shame I won't be able to watch you die idiotically. Thanks for the reincarnation, Deuterium Boy, but don't expect me to return the favour.

With a flick of his tail, he propelled himself out of the ball.

Hydrogen Guy raised the Ruler of Elendil and smiled.

Hydrogen Guy
It's go time.

The Crustacean headed back the way they had come. He allowed himself to settle to the floor and started scuttling at speed.

In a few minutes he had reached his destination. He had spotted it when the humans carried him past, completely ignoring it themselves: a computer panel, about three feet off the ground, with what looked like controls that claws could use. Or at least, that's how he'd design them, and so it was a fairly good chance that his opponent would do so as well...

Now the only problem was getting up there.

He looked around. There had to be some way the Golden Claw to reach the controls, unless he was three feet tall (unlikely) or he permitted his Zxanxi underlings to carry him (and in that case, why not put the controls higher up?). He finally spotted a small switch just above the floor.

It looked like the kind you thumped, so the Crustacean thumped it. He was rewarded by a powerful jet of warm water through a fine grating directly beneath him, which physically lifted him off the floor. Ingenious, he thought, if maybe a little unsteady. He was now face to face with the controls. He studied them as he balanced on the jet of water. He was surprised to find he understood them - they were labeled in Latin (which the Golden Claw would obviously have absorbed from Vorpalstein) - so presumably they were not for the use of the Claw's Zxanxi underlings.

The jet expired and the Crustacean drifted back to the ground. He hit the switch a second time, and once more rose up to the controls. This time he was ready to give them a try. With his gripping claw, he grabbed the control marked REMEO.

A panel immediately below the control panel popped open, and suddenly he was sucked inside. He was traveling though some kind of pressurized conduit; hopefully, he thought, not leading into space.

A few minutes later he was shot into a dark open, chamber. He quickly righted himself and floated to the ground.

Even with the human necromancer's vision enhancement spell, he couldn't see anything in the room. He cautiously crept forward.

So. You've come at last.

The Crustacean heard the voice in his mind. Interesting - his brother apparently had full telepathy.

"Show yourself." The Crustacean spoke aloud.

You can't see me? I'm surprised -I thought low-light vision was included in both versions of the project.

"I am not the original model. Until recently I was... deceased."

Dead? ... Yes. I can read the turmoil in your subconscious... I also read... that this is not the body that the project developed.

"You can read all my thoughts, can you? Then you know that the humans have boarded your ship."

I allowed it. They will not win this battle. The Zxanxi may not be as intelligent, but their numbers and technology is superior.

"That does not always guarantee success."

No. But I have yet to be beaten using that formula...

The Crustacean heard motion some distance away.

So this carcass of yours... it lacks the superior senses? The strength, the agility? The psychic abilities?

"Obviously. Human-level senses have been restored to me temporarily by some form of necromancy. I confess I have not studied the subject, so I can't explain how it is possible."

You are nothing, then. A ghost in a puppet.

"I am still in possession of my not inconsiderable intellect."

Riiight.

"What do you mean by that?"

I inspected the Creator's notes, as you must have done. You have to admit, Crustacean Mark I wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"I resent your implications, Claw!"

No need to get huffy. I'm simply pointing out the facts. In Mark I, the Creator wasn't using the right Lyaponov exponents. As a result, you had an excessive stochastic dwell time and an unstable sentience matrix, with a 84% probability that tidal effects would impinge on the final outcome... yes, I read in your thoughts that your telepathic abilities waxed and waned with the Terran satellite's rotational cycle.

"I would appreciate it if you refrained from digging around in my mind."

Not much to see, anyway.

"WILL YOU -- "

Calm down. Would you be interested to know that we've improved on the process?

"Vorpalstein's process?"

Yes. I've fine-tuned the Lyaponov exponents further, we can now in theory produce individuals of my calibre in a matter of weeks. There are some safety issues to be resolved, but nothing challenging.

"Is this why you've returned to Earth?"

No, I came to Earth because I heard that from travelers passing through the Zxanxi worlds that the Mark I process had not been terminated, despite my instructions to the Creator. I came to either recruit or terminate you. Ironically, the latter had already been done for me, and the idiot humans brought you back weaker than ever. Heads will roll on my staff for not getting back to me on this.

"I'll join you willingly. Together we can liberate the Earth -- "

Liberate, schmiberate. Look, I run a pirate outfit here, and the boys have been itching for a little despoiling. Most of my time is taken up trying to put the old Zxanxi Autarchy back together, with myself as the divinely appointed Autarch. I'll need mates and successors of course, hence my work on refining the Creator's process. Anyway, I have enough planets back in the Wet Belt, and the boys need to blow off some air more than they need to "liberate" anything. Anything that isn't salable, that is. How are humans as slaves, by the way?

"What? Er, I have no idea. All right, forget Earth. I'll join you anyway. You're obviously brilliant, I'm sure together we can work out a solution to my current ailment. Then we shall rebuild your Crustacean Autarchy as brothers --"

Er, sorry, no.

"What?"

Look, putting you back together would be a waste of time for me. No offense. And... well, really, I came out here rather hoping...

"Yes..."

... that you'd be female.

"Female."

And cute.

"Cute."

Hey, I'm over a hundred years old. I'm a little lonely, to be honest.

"You mean you destroyed the city of Melbourne, and had me raised from the dead because you wanted to get LAID?"

Look, I told you! I had no idea you were dead! Nerada assured me you were alive! If I'd known you were dead, I wouldn't have bothered with the trip, okay?

"I don't believe this..."

Hey, I'm as disappointed as you are. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family, ain't that the truth... Let me tell you, my Chief of Staff is so dead. And his assistant. And the Communications Chief. Hell, think I'll execute the cabin boy.

"Very well. I can see we have no choice but to fight to the death. The winner takes control of the fleet."

As you wish...

A circle of light appeared around the Crustacean. From out of the darkness emerged the Golden Claw - first the eponymous claw itself, then the other claw, head, and body of a pure black lobster. He was slightly smaller than the Crustacean's current body.

Though you realize that this confrontation will only result in your own death. Again. Glutton for punishment, aren't you?

"We shall see, Claw."

If the Crustacean were human, he would have narrowed his eyes.

"It's go time."

Which Fell Lobster will emerge victorious? Can our heroes defeat overwhelming odds and finally save the frickin' planet? Find out in the LONG-AWAITED, ROUSING CONCLUSION OF...

The Golden Claw
Same Hydrogen Time, Same Hydrogen Website!