Episode 63

- Part XI

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

The Story So Far: Okay, ten episodes in sixty seconds: Aliens remodel the city of Melbourne. There's an emergency superhero meeting in New York. The aliens are the Zxanxi (who look like big shrimp), led by the Golden Claw. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy join the Justice Council, a group of the world's most powerful and influential superheroes. Turns out what the aliens want is the Crustacean, and won't take "he's dead" for an answer, and if they don't get him within [mumble] days they'll start leveling the planet. Galactic Customs isn't allowed to do anything about it, and won't let Chuck War get involved either, so he resigns in protest. However, he neglects to tell this to his partner Radar so that he can still use all of GC's swanky stuff. Anyway, a plan is made to resurrect the Crustacean, and Deuterium Boy enlists the help of the dark mage Savadini. Savadini sends them to the Plane of Aybabtu, a region of Hell that's a bit off the beaten track, to retrieve the Crustacean's soul. Meanwhile, however, Hans-Raoul follows them (with his secretary Robyn Cheung tagging along), hoping to trap them in Hell permanently. Unfortunately, he runs afoul of the Prince of Darkness, who's visiting the local arch-demon Aybabtu on an inspection or something. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy finally reach the Crustacean and manage to persuade him to come back to Earth with them, when they're attacked first by Hans-Raoul and then by Aybabtu. Hydrogen Guy and Hans-Raoul defeat Aybabtu together, and return to their respective corners in our own Universe. His encounter with the Archetype of Evil makes Hans-Raoul temporarily rethink letting the Zxanxi destroy the Earth. Robyn makes a proposal, and then we tastefully fade out. Back at the Hydrogen Cave, Savadini brings the Crustacean back into the body of Admiral Pete, a large lobster. The Crustacean tells the Covalent Crusaders that the Golden Claw is actually his brother, a later version of the experiment which created him. Our heroes take the Crustacean to where Chuck War has assembled a small impromptu space fleet for a counter-attack. The space-fleet engages the Zxanxi; Chuck War leads a boarding party on to the alien flagship. Which is where we left them: our heroes fighting the Zxanxi, hand-to-hand, while the Crustacean and the Golden Claw prepare for single combat...

Meanwhile, on "Frasier", Niles and Daphne cook up a wacky surprise for Roz.

On one side, you have three - Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Reaper. The first two efficient with the sword, the last lethal with the mono-planar scythe, but on dry land. Here they are underwater, and encumbered by breathing apparatus.

On the other side, you have fifty pirate swords-shrimp. Each four-armed, wielding two weapons each to the humans' one, plus a pair for blocking and parrying. They are native water-breathers and were trained to fight in a high-viscosity atmosphere.

It wasn't much of a contest.

Hydrogen Guy
Unsettlingly well done as always, Reaper.

Reaper
[deferential silence]

Hydrogen Guy
You're too kind. I have to admit being surrounded by dihydrogen oxide admits the possibility of some interesting special effects. Bravo to you as well, DB.

Deuterium Boy
And to you HG, and Reaper.

Hydrogen Guy
Not at all. I notice you've surrounded yourself with an aura of heavy water.

Deuterium Boy
Yes. It has a slightly different index of refraction than normal water, and I find it makes my opponents miscalculate their shots.

Hydrogen Guy sheathed his sword as they regarded the piles of ex-Zxanxi around them.

Deuterium Boy
Should we go after the ones who ran away?

Reaper
[hopeful silence]

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, Reaper. We'd better try to find where the Crustacean took off to.

Elsewhere on the Zxanxi ship...

Helium Girl
This stupid bubble thing is, like, so bad for my hair.

Desdemona
You'll live. Just watch out for shrimp.

While the boarders from the first transport were on their way to the bridge, the personnel from the second transport had broken off into small groups and were spreading out through the warship. Desdemona and Helium Girl were in a group with the New Yorker, the Organ. They were carefully making their way through one of the warship's many corridors. As Desdemona caught him smirking at Helium Girl, she wished again that they been teamed with Ogress. Between him and this blasted GC wetsuit, she thought, I almost would have preferred to stay home.

Desdemona
Why aren't you drowning, anyway?

While she and Helium Girl were wearing full breathing apparatus (Helium Girl's colour-coordinated with her pink monogrammed wet-suit, specially designed by Maurice Dauphin of Montréal), the Organ only wore a comm pickup around his neck.

Organ
My ears double as gills. Cute trick, eh?

He pinched his right ear with his thumb and forefinger and twisted. The ear popped off, and he held it towards Helium Girl.

Organ
You're welcome to try it.

Helium Girl
Ew! Ew! Stop it!

Organ
Heh. If you insist.

He shoved the ear back on his head, and screwed it back into place like the lid on a pickle jar.

Organ
I got a lot of other great gags I can show you later, if you'd like.

Helium Girl
What, like making farting noises with your armpit? Like, please?

Desdemona
Will you two shut-up? War says the shrimp have acute hearing.

Organ
Relax. These pirate ships are thinly manned. Everyone's probably either defending the bridge or their Supreme Commander.

Desdemona
Think so, do you?

Organ
Sure. I bet there's isn't more than a four or five shrimp on this whole deck.

Suddenly a pair of doors in the corridor ahead spun open, and Zxanxi started pouring into the corridor, firing energy weapons in their direction. Desdemona and the Organ flattened themselves against one wall, and Helium Girl against the other. Desdemona returned fire with her GC energy pistol, while Helium Girl shot bursts of alpha particles back at the attackers.

Desdemona
You are such a jerk, you can't even imagine!

Organ
Yeah, I get that a lot... cover me!

Desdemona
What for?

Organ
Just cover me...

He crouched down and stuck his hand into a slit in his wetsuit - she had noticed several of them before, but refused to ask about them. He grimaced a bit, then pulled out a large, red pulpy mass in his hand.

Desdemona
Oh my God! What is that?

Organ
My spleen. Stay back, girls!

He launched himself out into the corridor and threw the spleen. Throwing something underwater, it's not as easy to get as good distance as you do on land. The Organ's spleen made it three-quarters of the way towards the Zxanxi, then suddenly seemed to convert itself into a spleen-shaped blob of pure energy.

It exploded like a several pounds of hyper-active TNT. Desdemona shut her eyes against the glare and grabbed onto the nearest solid object to avoid being blown back by the resulting shock wave. When she opened her eyes, she found the "solid object" was the Organ. She shoved him away (sending herself floating back in the other direction), and he laughed.

Helium Girl swam over to them.

Helium Girl
Ohmigawd, you, like threw your spleen?

Organ
Don't worry, I'll a grow a new one by tonight.

Desdemona
You are a strange, strange little man.

Organ
Hey, it worked, didn't it?

She conceded that the corridor was now free of any living Zxanxi.

Organ
Well, mission accomplished.

Movement down the corridor caught their attention. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Reaper were making their way towards them.

Helium Girl
Ohmigawd! Hi, guys!

Deuterium Boy
Hey. Nice wetsuit.

Hydrogen Guy
You lot okay? We heard an explosion.

Organ
That was my spleen.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, of course. Uh... any of you seen a lobster?

The Sparrow-Wing banked and dodged the explosion of the Zxanxi Rawg 40. The Navy Blue Sparrow glanced at his co-pilot.

Sparrow
How we doin', babe?

Nightingale
Still holding together. Just keep our speed down and don't let us take any more hits like that last one, and we'll be fine.

Sparrow
Sure. No problem.

He put the craft into a dive, ducking another oncoming fighter. Energy beams from the ship pursuing them zipped past the canopy.

Sparrow
Go slow and don't get hit. Great advice, babe.

Nightingale
I don't need your sarcasm, thanks.

Sparrow
Sorry.

One of the ships behind him exploded.

Sparrow
That you Dart 6?

Radio Voice #1
Roger, Sparrow-Wing.

Sparrow
That's another I owe you, man.

Radio Voice #1
I'll be collecting anytime. Dart 2, three more incoming at 34-122 and 37-126.

Radio Voice #2
Intercepting...

Sparrow
On the way, Dart 2.

Nightingale
Blue, gunboat!

Sparrow
What? Damn!

The Zxanxi gunboat was uncloaking almost directly ahead of them. It came out firing. The Sparrow-Wing swung about, when suddenly its port wing exploded.

Sparrow
We hit?!

Nightingale
No, the port engine just tore itself apart!

The plane was rocked by a second explosion.

Nightingale
Now we're hit.

Sparrow
We're going down!

Nightingale
Down?! Where, "down"?! We're in space, there is no "down"!

Sparrow
I love you, babe.

Nightingale
I love you too, moron. Just steer us into the gunboat, okay?

A third explosion erupted as the Sparrow-Wing's starboard engine tore off the plane. The fighter tumbled out of control towards the gunboat.

Suddenly, the plane stopped tumbling and swerved off course. The Nightingale jumped when she saw a human face in a space helmet looking through the canopy.

Sparrow
Captain Toronto!

Captain Toronto
Sparrow, Nightingale. You two all right?

He spoke over the two-way radio in his helmet. The Magenta Nightingale let go of Sparrows hand and punched some controls on the dashboard.

Nightingale
We're losing cabin pressure, but we should be okay for a couple minutes.

Captain Toronto
Capital. That will give me enough time to get you back to the American dropship. Prepare your breathing apparatus for the transfer.

Sparrow
Captain, you caught us? Whoa!

Nightingale
Thank you, Captain.

Sparrow
Man, you should try out for the Jays!

Captain Toronto
They couldn't afford me... Hang on. You might want to hold your breath.

The two opponents circled each other.

In this corner, with the mottled red, white and brown colouring, weighing in at 28 pounds, 7 ounces, is the Crustacean. And in this corner, with the pure black colouring and the eponymous auric appendage, weighing in at 23 pounds, 5 ounces, is the Golden Claw. At stake is the heavyweight lobster championship of the galaxy. And possibly the fate of the planet Earth.

Shake claws, gentlemen, and come out fighting.

I'll be doing you a favour, really. By releasing you from an existence bound to an inferior form.

"Your arrogance is absolutely intolerable. It will be a pleasure smashing your ganglia into pâté. "

Listen to the tube worm calling the coral pink!

The Crustacean launched himself at the Golden Claw, who easily flung him aside. Before he could right himself, the Claw was on top of him. The Claw hit him repeatedly with his oversized gold claw, until the Crustacean managed to flip the lighter lobster off using his tail. The Crustacean flipped himself over quickly and backed away.

Heh. Really, this is a joke. We both know it. I can tear carbonitride apart with my weaker claw, but you're little better than an ordinary lobster, who, I'm told, have problems with paper bags.

"Then I shall have to rely on my superior wits, won't I?"

Hoo, boy.

They circled each other once again, slowly drawing nearer to another. The Golden Claw feinted with his left, and struck with his right, but the Crustacean was prepared, blocking the blow with his own right. The two lobsters locked claws and began wrestling.

You also realise that, being perfectly telepathic, I can read any more you're going to make the instant you think of it. You can't catch me by surprise.

"It is dangerous to dabble in ironic foreshadowing, Claw."

You don't really have to keep up a brave face, you know. Your honour will still remain intact if you give in and just let me --

The Crustacean pounced, grabbing the Claw by his forelegs and flipping him over, then delivering a series of pinches to his opponents exposed underside. The Claw thrashed about, and finally wrenched free of the Crustacean's grip. He grabbed the Crustacean's head in his gold claw and threw him onto the ground next to him.

The two lobsters both rolled over, dazed, at about the same moment. The Golden Claw glowered at the Crustacean as his elder sibling chuckled.

"So it seems I can surprise you, if you're too busy boasting to read my thoughts."

You've worn out my patience.

The Golden Claw launched himself at the Crustacean with incredible speed, and before he could respond, the Crustacean was on his back with his head inside the massive golden crusher.

I hope you left the afterworld on good terms, Mark I...

The lights in the room came on at full strength as somebody entered the room. The Golden Claw winced, and growled audibly. He swiveled his eyes to the right, and spoke to the newcomer aloud.

Golden Claw
What is it?! I told you I was not to be disturbed. And I've told you a dozen times before, the lights are to stay --

A plasma beam tore through the water and struck the Golden Claw. His telepathic scream ripped through the Crustacean's mind, and he lost momentarily consciousness.

When he came to, he was staring at the barrel of a plasma rifle. A giant figure in gleaming black body armour stood over him.

Bap Nerada
Identify yourself.

Bits of the Golden Claw's carapace floated in the water nearby. The Crustacean could see the gold claw which had held him in a death grip moments before lying nearby, partially melted. He made a noise which, if he had had a throat, would have sounded like he was clearing it.

Crustacean
I am called the Crustacean.

Bap Nerada
Your appearance has changed.

The voice was deep, filtered through a synthesizer in the mercenary's helmet. But nevertheless, something about it was familiar...

Bap Nerada
You are not the crab we were expecting.

The Crustacean forgot about the plasma rifle.

Crustacean
I am NOT a crab, I am a LOBSTER! AAAH!

A delighted, high pitched squeal came from behind the helmet, and the mercenary bent down and hauled the Crustacean up by the thorax. The Crustacean found himself face to face with the helmet; the mercenary pressed a control on "his" temple and the helmet's face-plate changed from opaque to transparent...

Crustacean
Pu Wing Fu?!

Pu Wing Fu
YAAY!! Crustacean, I KNEW it was you!!

Crustacean
You -- you -- you remarkable bear! You enchanting, astonishing bear! What in the name of Pontus are you doing here?! You just killed the Golden Claw, didn't you?

Pu Wing Fu
I've been wanting to do that for AGES! He was an asshole. He never told the commissary to make tapioca pudding no matter how often I asked. Crustacean, I'm so happy you're finally here! They said the humans kept telling them you were dead, but I KNEW they were lying! Stinky humans!

Crustacean
I WAS dead, you imbecile! I was killed in the Hydrogen Cave after you ran off with Trudeau! That's why I look different, the humans resurrected me and put me in this deficient body!

Pu Wing Fu
Ohhhh... I left before that. Trudeau and I went through the trans-dimensional interporter and ended up on Tonarz. But the Tonarzi weren't happy to see us, so they threw us in prison! But me and Trudeau, we made a plan and escaped! Then I stole a trading ship with this nifty body armour on it, and I became a galactic bounty hunter! Then the Golden Claw hired me and -- oh.

Crustacean
What is it?

Pu Wing Fu
I just remembered. Part of the plan me and Trudeau made when we escaped was that I was supposed to pick him up after I stole the ship. Oops.

Crustacean
Never mind. I never liked that overbearing prat anyway.

Pu Wing Fu
Anyway, the Golden Claw hired me as his bodyguard 'cause I had a mean reputation, and also because he couldn't read my mind which was new for him --

Crustacean
That's because you don't have a mind.

Pu Wing Fu
Yeah! So I told him about you, and he said you were brothers, and I said Yay! Only I didn't say "Yay!" because I was pretending to be mean, I just thought it. So he decided to come out here and find you. And just now the Earth fleet attacked, and the Golden Claw told me not to bother him 'cause he was expecting you, but when the humans boarded I snuck away and I was listening at the door and thought I heard your voice, so I over-rode the door control and I saw the Golden Claw attacking you so I shot him! KAPOW! But I wasn't sure it was really you, so I had to make sure. Actually, maybe I should have made sure it was you before I shot him...

Crustacean
No, no, you acted correctly, Pu Wing Fu.

Pu Wing Fu
Yay!

Crustacean
Now, quickly! We must take control of the Zxanxi fleet before the humans do!

Pu Wing Fu
You can do that from in here. The Golden Claw used to direct the fleet from this control centre.

Crustacean
Excellent. Do you know how?

Pu Wing Fu
I think so. That's the communications panel for the bridge over there.

She pointed with the hand holding the Crustacean.

Crustacean
Wah! Be careful, bear! Quickly, now, help me to use the controls...

The Magenta Nightingale breathed deeply, and was thankful for the privilege. She and the Navy Blue Sparrow sat in a relatively calm corner of the U.S. Army gunboat, sipping General Issue coffee and watching the general chaos of U.S. Air Force personnel operating a three year old Barthak gunboat that, strictly speaking, did not exist.

Captain Toronto made his way back towards them, in conversation with junior officer bearing a clipboard. The officer left as Captain Toronto approached them.

Captain Toronto
Feeling all right?

Sparrow
Solid, man. You heading back out?

Captain Toronto
Not just yet... I thought I'd stay and watch the progress of the conflict for a few minutes.

Nightingale
How's it going?

Captain Toronto
We're holding our own, for now. The Zxanxi are still losing fighters faster than we are, but they're starting to learn how to counter-act the EVA folks. It's getting harder for them to stay ahead, especially weaker-powered ones. And they're all getting tired. We're down to less than 180 ships, and our casualty estimates are ranging between 30 and 50. The Zxanxi seem to be down six warships - we're not really sure how, the Americans claim that there are invisible "Foo Fighters" out there. Worst of all, we've heard nothing from War and the flagship's boarding parties.

The ship shuddered around them. A warning siren went off somewhere below them, and the general timbre of the chaos on the ship increased.

Sparrow
That sounded like a hit...

Captain Toronto
Indeed... Lieutenant!

He grabbed an officer who was hurrying by. The officer looked slightly confused, no doubt unaware that "Lieutenant" had an "f" in it.

Captain Toronto
What just happened?

American Lieutenant
The Ugandan gunboat just exploded, sir. We took some damage from the debris. Excuse me.

He rushed away on his errand. The Canadians exchanged worried glances.

Captain Toronto
I'm going to try raise Alpha Man. We should start considering contingency plans.

He strode off towards the bridge.

Sparrow
Why does that have a bad sound to it?

Nightingale
Probably because he means they need to talk about what happens when we can't fight anymore. Blue, maybe we should go see if there's anything we can do. We both have military training, they might let us help.

Sparrow
Sure. I made it to Corporal in the Canadian Forces. You?

Nightingale
Honourary Lieutenant-Colonel in the Torradan Home Guard. Move it, Corporal.

Sparrow
Yes, ma'am!

They put aside their coffee and followed Captain Toronto towards the bridge.

"Greetings, Brave Warriors and Cunning Privateers of the New Zxanxi Autarchy. I am the Crustacean, designated heir and successor to Its Excellency, the Golden Claw, Glory to Its Name... It is through your diligence that Its Excellency brought you to this world, in order to seek me out... It is now my tragic duty to inform you that the Glorious All-Parent, Blessed Be It Forever in the Seas of Heaven [for pity's sake, is all this really necessary? ... Yes, yes, all right..] the Golden Claw, has been murdered by the craven air-breathers now infesting Our Flagship. Its Most Revered Excellency has anointed me as the new All-Parent of the Autarchy. May I be worthy of Its Most Excellent Favour. I urge you to continue to resist the weak and pitiful land-crawlers, and then carry on to cleanse the ocean world Sol III of their infestation, as decreed by the Nine-Times-Blessed [I'm feeling ill...] Golden Claw. Glory to the Autarchy, Glory to You My Faithful Servants, and Glory to the Memory of the Golden Claw! Vengeance and Victory be yours!"

The screen went blank. The Zxanxi Captain looked at it for several seconds after the Crustacean's image faded, then turned to his second in command.

Captain
What the fuck was all that shit about?

First Officer
I think it was saying that the All-Parent is dead, and that it was Its successor.

Second Officer
What? You mean the monkeys killed the Claw? Sure. And I'm a fucking sea urchin.

First Officer
They've dispatched several of our security teams, including most of the katanna unit. Not to mention at least a hundred fighters, twelve gunboats and six War-Crabs.

Captain
Beginner's luck.

Second Officer
Yeah, but kill the All-Parent? He's the meanest little bastard I've ever seen.

Navigator
If they did, they'll pay in blood a million-fold.

Captain
Sure, sure, whatever. What I have trouble with is this parent-fucker claiming to be the new All-Parent. Isn't the Crustacean that Terran the All-Parent wanted as his mate?

Second Officer
I think so.

Captain
Fuck that noise. I'm not following a parent-fucking Terran, even if it is the All-Parent's sibling. Especially one supported by that land-crawling psycho Nerada.

First Officer
Captain, your devotion to the All-Parent seems to be wavering...

Captain
Just because he comes on the comm and says he is does NOT make the Crustacean the fucking All-Parent. And you know what, you kids are way too wrapped up in all this "New Autarchy" shit anyway. When I was your age, it was all about jacking freighters and pillaging space colonies. Now it's all, "Glory to Its Excellency", and whatever. This isn't a fucking religious war, and while I'll give the Claw his props as a good general and a bad-ass parent-fucker, he isn't the God-damned Messi--

Two blasters fired, and a half-second later the captain's body was floating lifelessly. The Navigator and First Officer turned their guns on the Second Officer.

First Officer
And what about you, Tx'xet?

Second Officer
Uh... hey, I'm all about the All-Parent. You guys know that. I'm, uh, willing to give this Crustacean dude a chance if you are.

First Officer
Glad to hear it. May the rest of our comrades be as loyal as you.

The rear door to the bridge opened and a security officer scooted in, limping on a badly burned hind leg. The three bridge officers turned to goggle at him.

Security Officer
The monkeys have breached the upper deck! They'll be here any minute!

He stopped and stared at the Captain's body. The former First Officer, now Captain, stepped forward.

First Officer
There has been a change of command. Fortify all the bridge entrances! Navigator, you are now First Officer. Start passing out the heavy cannons. Second Officer, relay our situation to the Fleet...

The party consisting of the Diatomic Duo, Reaper, Helium Girl, Desdemona and the Organ elected to head up-ship and join Chuck War's party. Resistance was curiously absent as they made their way through the ship. The only subsequent trouble they encountered was a fire-fight between what appeared to be two different factions of Zxanxi, which they easily avoided by taking a detour.

Hydrogen Guy
I wonder what all that was about...

Organ
Maybe we're kicking the shrimp's ass, and they're starting to fight amongst themselves.

Desdemona
I doubt our space battle skills are fearsome enough to be kicking anybody's ass... My guess is something political's happened somewhere in the chain of command, and it's sorting itself out. Just perfect for us.

They met up with Chuck War two sections back from the bridge. The group was slowly advancing against opposition that was few in number but very determined. Grimsword, Ogress and several others from the second transport had joined them as well - including, Desdemona was delighted to discover, Deus Ex Machinas.

Reaper pushed his way to the front lines where Valkyrie K and Grimsword were wreaking considerable havoc, while Hydrogen Guy fell into place next to Chuck War and the Green Gibbon.

Hydrogen Guy
What's the scoop?

Chuck War
Can't talk, shooting shrimp.

Green Gibbon
The shrimp seem to have split up into factions and there's sporadic fighting throughout the ship. Looks like the Golden Claw is dead.

Deuterium Boy
That's good news.

Green Gibbon
Bad news is, your Crustacean seems to have taken control of the fleet.

Hydrogen Guy
That's great news. The Crustacean couldn't command a fleet of rubber ducks.

Green Gibbon
I suppose the fighting's over those loyal to the Claw and those on the Crustacean's band-wagon.

Chuck War
Not to mention those who don't see a need for a new All-Parent at all. Bye-bye, Autarchy. Duck!

They ducked as a powerful green plasma blast ripped past them. Chuck rolled to the side and seemed to nail the Zxanxi responsible.

Green Gibbon
The other bad news is we lost three American marines - Jackson, Ginsberg and Bulsara - Fire Ghost, and Speed Freak.

Hydrogen Guy
Speed Freak?

Green Gibbon
He ran full bore into shrimp chain-gun at water-mach 5. Took out about twenty shrimp, but he was cut to pieces. It was a bloody waste.

Deuterium Boy
Damn. I guess he couldn't handle Bright's death...

Green Gibbon
These monsters have a lot to answer for.

Chuck War
HG, you want to quit yakking with the girls and get the Ruler up there? I know it seems like it, but Grimsword, Val and Reaper won't win this by themselves.

Hydrogen Guy
On my way, Chuck. C'mon, DB, your deuterium shield's needed.

Hydrogen Guy made his way to the lead and fell in beside Grimsword and Reaper. On Reaper's other side, Valkyrie K was swinging a battle-axe, glowing a blue as bright as the Ruler of Elendil, of a design Hydrogen Guy had never seen before. It appeared to be a kind of fusion between a hammer and a double-bladed axe, and looked far too heavy for a normal human being to even lift. Of course, Hydrogen Guy realised, that was the legendary Mjölnirsdottir, said to be forged from a sliver of Thor's hammer, Mjölnir.

Hydrogen Guy quickly found himself dodging and parrying heavy energy blasts too quickly to admire his companions' weapons. Deuterium Boy nearby had created a shield of metallic deuterium, behind which Desdemona, Helium Girl, and Deus Ex Machinas were firing. The shield was quite a bit larger than DB could normally create, due to the ample supply of heavy water he had attracted around him. It occurred to Hydrogen Guy that neither he nor his partner had slept since before the Aybabtu expedition. What was that, nearly three days? Man, was he ever going to crash when this was over. If he wasn't killed first.

A bright yellow flash in front of him jerked him back to the present. He found himself staring at the brilliant obsidian black Grimsword; its wielder had just deflected a plasma blast that would have blown through his skull.

Grimsword
Keep your focus.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

Grimsword merely nodded.

The invaders pushed the Zxanxi steadily back, until they reached the bridge's central entrance. The door had been fortified with a heavy energy shield; such shields couldn't be made one-way, so the Zxanxi defenders clustered outside it.

These defenders thinned out quickly. The combined onslaught of the Grimsword, Mjölnirsdottir and the Ruler of Elendil brought the energy shield down in about thirty seconds.

Their entrance into the bridge was almost anti-climactic. Most of the defenders inside fled through the three other exits. Only the Captain (the former First Officer), First Officer (the former Navigator) and three Marines held their ground. When the Captain was the last standing, he threw down his weapons and exposed his underside in a sign of surrender.

Chuck War
Tell your troops on ship to stand down. Kikten! Kikten!

The Captain waved his forearms in the Zxanxi equivalent of nodding.

Captain
Tz yi klk-tk zi! Tz klikto.

Chuck War
Yeah, he's agreeing.

The Captain turned towards the communications console. He issued a brief intership broadcast.

Grimsword
You understand what he said?

Chuck War
Mostly. Unless he was speaking in code, he told the crew to surrender. [to Zxanxi] All right, you're our prisoner. Got it? Xz t'reqy!

The Captain acquiesced.

Chuck War
Great. Grimsword, you want to tell the rest of our people on ship that we have the bridge? Murphy, Zang, DB and Jetwolf, let's see if we can figure out these controls and disarm any built-in security. One of the first things we'll want to do is lock out any other Zxanxi with computer authorization and whichever lobster's down in the Claw's control center. The rest of you stand ready in case of a -- Gibbon, what the hell are you doing?

The Green Gibbon had retrieved the plasma rifle the Captain had thrown down and was holding it to the Zxanxi Captain's head.

Green Gibbon
G'day, shrimpie. Let me introduce myself. I'm from Melbourne. Possibly you've heard of it. You killed a lot of my mates, and a lot of other people's mates as well.

Chuck War
Gibbon, drop it!

He started to move forward. Grimsword stopped him.

Grimsword
He needs to make his own decision.

The Zxanxi chittered something in a panicked tone.

Green Gibbon
Sorry, mate, I don't speak murdering bastard.

He pressed the rifle harder against the creature's insectoid head.

Green Gibbon
Let me make one thing perfectly clear. It doesn't matter how many times I kill you, or one of your bloody godforsaken monster spawn-mates, or whatever you call yourselves, it isn't going to make up for what you've done to my city, and my country, and my PLANET!! You hear me, shrimp?! Because of you, there are thousands of kids in Melbourne whose mothers and fathers never came home from work! Because of you, my city will never be the same place it was, the place we wanted it to be! Because of you, two men went to Hell for a monster like you who was better off dead! Because of you, a brave man that thousands looked up to committed suicide because he couldn't take the death of his sister! And because of you, I'll never look at the night sky again without being afraid!

His helmet was pressed against the Zxanxi's face and he was shouting at the top of his lungs.

Green Gibbon
So you'll excuse me -- you'll ALL bloody well excuse me -- if I don't take your "surrender" sanguinely! Because I'll be fucking damned if anybody other than a Melbourner is going to bring you to justice!

He stepped back and pulled the trigger. The Zxanxi's head was vapourized in a blast of green plasma. The Green Gibbon dropped the rifle and backed away. Nobody spoke.

The Gibbon was suddenly aware that Reaper was standing at his elbow.

Reaper
[sagacious silence]

The Gibbon sighed a deep, shuddering sigh.

Green Gibbon
Yeah. I suppose you're right, mate. I suppose you're right.

Grimsword
[quietly] It was his choice.

Chuck War shook his head and turned to the controls.

While the Sparrow was down below with the damage control team, the Magenta Nightingale sat at the secondary sensor board aboard the American gunboat and relayed information to the senior officer. The information she relayed painted a rather confusing picture.

While the Zxanxi fighters were beginning to gain ground against the Earth fleet, many of the were starting to pull back. The War Crabs themselves seemed to be regrouping, and occasionally firing on one another and their own fighters and gunboats. The picture emerging, from the sensor and communication reports, seemed to indicate that the Zxanxi leadership had disintegrated, and the alliance was splintering.

Alpha Man issued a general order for certain groups - particularly the EVA squads and the Mod ships - to pull back and wait.

Suddenly, a series of lights on the Nightingale's board lit up. Her stomach knotted itself as she scanned the displays. What the hell did that mean? That looks like --

Merda.

Nightingale
Commander, we've got new arrivals at 12.5 degrees to zenith. Mass sensors indicate twenty ships, minimum 700 million tonnes apiece.

Communications Officer
Confirmed. We're getting a signal!

Deuterium Boy
Hey Chuck? Sensors going wild over here...

He leaned over the display.

Chuck War
What's it saying?

Deuterium Boy
Damned if I know. It's a lot of lights, though.

Hydrogen Guy
Ooh, pretty!

Nearby at the communications panel, Reaper signaled for Chuck's attention.

Chuck War
What's going on, Reaper? Incoming transmission?

Reaper flashed a series of fingers at him.

Chuck War
649? That's the GC channel... Reaper, can you put it on the main screen?

Reaper nodded, and started stabbing at the controls. Valkyrie K, who was standing nearby, leaned over his shoulder and pointed, making a remark. Reaper nodded again and hit the indicated button.

The forward holocanopy came to life, displaying the nearby Zxanxi fleet. Small lights that were either Zxanxi fighters or Earth ships flitted around the larger ships. In the background, a series of flashes indicated large ships dropping out of warp. Chuck peered intently at the display, trying to make out the shapes of the distant ships.

Chuck War
Wait... are those... ?

Reaper found the audio control and turned on the sound. A human male voice came over the speakers.

Voice
-- Customs Task Force Beta 7 out of Betelgeuse station, to all combatants. Please stand down and cease all hostile activities immediately, this a formally authorized Galactic Customs intervention. Stand down immediately.

Chuck War whooped with delight, then instantly realised this is a bad thing to do in a breathing helmet.

Hydrogen Guy
Is this the cavalry?

Chuck War
Damn straight it is... Reaper, open a channel... GC Task Force, this is Field Commander Charles M. War aboard the United Nations War Crab Monkey's Tantrum.

The comm channel buzzed as the GC battleship transmitted an override signal. The image of an attractive, middle aged human man and an antennaed, green-skinned alien, both in Galactic Customs uniforms, appeared on the screen.

Chuck War
Gardner, you midget rat bastard!

The human grinned.

Gardner
Monkey's Tantrum, this is GC Prefect Lucas Gardner aboard the Battleship Excise. We're in this system searching for a rogue Galactic Customs agent who goes by the name of "Chuck War", who we have reason to believe is breaking a metric butt-load of GC regs. Seen'im?

Chuck War
Hell, Luke, I must be pretty bad-ass if you need twenty GC battleships just to run me in.

Gardner
Better safe than sorry, Field Commander. Do you surrender?

Chuck War
Damn straight I do. Radar --

The green alien smiled a small, polite smile.

Radar
I apologise sincerely, Chuck War. I am aware that it was against your wishes for me to report your transgressions to Prefect Lucas Gardner. I hope you understand I was only doing my duty as outlined in the regulations --

Chuck War
Blow your regulations out your rear-airlock, Radar. You knew Gardner was planning this, didn't you?

Radar
I was made aware of this contingency plan, yes.

Gardner leaned back and listened to something off-screen.

Gardner
War, I've already had ten Zxanxi ships surrender to me, and five more open fire on my ships. Looks like I have a mess to sort out before I arrest you. Oh, and will you tell your United Nations Fleet or whatever the hell you call that flying scrap-yard of yours that I'm on Earth's side? Their shots might scratch our paint, and it costs a lot to repaint these things.

Chuck War
Will do. War out.

Their images vanished. The bridge erupted in a wave of celebrations. The Diatomic Duo exchanged a high five. Desdemona flung herself into Deus's arms. Grimsword and Valhyrie K even smiled. Chuck War waved the cheering down.

Chuck War
The fat lady's not choking on a ham sandwich yet, folks... Reaper, if you can, get Flarm or Alpha Man on the horn. Ah -- never mind, I'll do it myself.

Helium Girl sidled up between Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. She put her an arm around each of their shoulders and let herself float between them.

Hydrogen Guy
It's over.

Deuterium Boy
Thank God...

Helium Girl
Yup! Now comes the, like, really icky part.

Hydrogen Guy
What, cleaning up the last of the Zxanxi?

Deuterium Boy
Recapturing the Crustacean?

Helium Girl
Nope. Getting out of these wetsuits when we get off this ship.

Deuterium Boy
That reminds me, shouldn't we have run out of air by now?

Crustacean
Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!

Pu Wing Fu shut off the comm screen, over which they had watched first the Zxanxi captain's surrender order, then the exchange between the bridge and the GC battleship.

Crustacean
I fear my days as the All-Parent are numbered... Pu, I... uh... oh dear.

Pu Wing Fu
What's wrong, Crustacean?

Crustacean
My eyesight is beginning to deteriorate.... As if I didn't have enough problems, I think Savadini's spells are starting to fade. It will not be long before I am physically no different than a common lobster.

Pu Wing Fu
Uh oh.

Crustacean
We must get off this ship. First - Pu, the Golden Claw mentioned he had been doing research on the process which created us. Do you know where he kept this data?

Pu Wing Fu
Oh, sure! I've been noodling around in his computer files for weeks. I am a l33t h4XX0r! I downloaded all the lobster stuff and stored it in my armour's memory.

Crustacean
What a wondrous, remarkable bear you are... Good, we must get awff... *grk*!

The Crustacean's mouthparts continued clicking together, but no sound came out. He gazed blearily at Pu Wing Fu with a look akin to panic.

Pu Wing Fu
You voice is gone too? Uh oh. Don't worry, Crustacean! I'll get us off the ship. My Bap Nerada ship is still in the fighter bay.

She once again opaqued her helmet's visor and picked up the helpless Crustacean. She went to the control chamber door and opened it.

Two anxious looking Zxanxi stood just outside. They saw the Crustacean and chittered excitedly.

Zxanxi Loyalist #1
Oh, Your Excellency! Thank the Spirit of the All-Parent you're all right! Quickly, we must escape! Galactic Customs --

Zxanxi Loyalist #2
And we must hurry before the other factions arrive and --

"Bap Nerada" raised "his" plasma rifle. The two Zxanxi fell silent. The deep, synthesized voice issued from the helmet.

Pu Wing Fu
The new All-Parent has been -- placed in suspended animation. It can neither see nor hear you. It is... communing with its departed sibling on our time of trouble.

The two Zxanxi looked at one another, once again anxious.

Pu Wing Fu
The Crustacean has further business on Sol III. We will not accompany you. Bring us to my ship and help us leave undetected.

Zxanxi Loyalist #1
If.. er, that is Its Excellency's wishes...

Pu Wing Fu wiggled the Crustacean so that his claws moved. The Crustacean glared at the indistinct haze that represented Pu Wing Fu and gritted his mouthparts.

Pu Wing Fu
He signals his agreement.

Zxanxi Loyalist #2
Very well. Come with us.

Despite the fact that the Galactic Customs Task Force and the Zxanxi fleet were evenly matched, the Zxanxi offered only sporadic resistance to their arrest. Nobody noticed the small two-man Tonarzi trader slip away and head back towards Earth. The region of space just beyond the moon remained hectic for several days, as the Galactic Customs Task Force completed paper work, served outstanding warrants on most of the Zxanxi pirate fleet, and impounded ship after ship - on both sides of the conflict, much to the disgust of several Earth governments, ICBC, and even a few superheroes. Several remarks were made about an anomalous signal out near Jupiter, but it was dismissed as the wreckage of a damaged Rawg 40 that had carried on pilotless after the battle. Finally, ten days after the initial attack on Melbourne, Australia, the last Galactic Customs vessel warped out of Earth's solar system.

The galaxy carried on as if nothing had happened.

Epilogue

Chuck War, Galactic Customs Agent (j.g.) whistled a few bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" as he looked over the plans for the new GC office in Melbourne's downtown. It would be in the basement of the Amalgo Pacific building, and would operate under the cover of a coffee house called (after the Green Gibbon's suggestion) "Tiffany's".

The Gibbon wrinkled his nose as he sipped his coffee.

Green Gibbon
If this is the kind of java you'll be serving, there's no bloody way anyone will believe it's a legit business for a second. They'd fold in a week.

Chuck War looked indignant.

Chuck War
What's wrong with my coffee?

Green Gibbon
It'd gag Linda Lovelace, that's what.

Hydrogen Guy poured out a cup of heavy water latté and passed it to Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
CW's coffee is an acquired taste, GG.

Deuterium Boy
Much like cod liver oil.

Chuck War
Oh, and you guys think you're coffee experts because you drink frou-frou stuff like hot chocolate and mocha lattés?

The four were sitting on a concrete block, not far from the proposed GC office. The same concrete block, in fact, that had nearly fallen on the Green Gibbon three weeks before, had it not been for... well, that's rather in the past.

The Gibbon poured out the coffee, and climbed up on the block.

Green Gibbon
Well, thanks anyway, Chuck. Think I'll go check things out down Southbank way, see if the recovery crews there need anything. Cheers, mates.

He launched himself into the air, and seconds later was swinging his way down the block from window ledge to window ledge, like... well, a small hyperactive ape swinging from tree to tree in the forest.

Chuck War
Hmph. He's all right, that Gibbon. Despite his outburst back on the War Crab.

Hydrogen Guy
He'll make a good addition to the Justice Council.

Chuck War
Yeah... I was kind of surprised when I heard he'd been chosen to fill Speed Freak and Bright's spot. I mean, there are more powerful heroes even in Australia, and The Gibbon wasn't the only one who distinguished himself in the Battle...

Deuterium Boy shrugged.

Deuterium Boy
I think it was a symbolic gesture. He was the only Melbournian superhero to participate in the Battle, and in a way, he avenged Speed Freak and Bright's deaths...

Hydrogen Guy
Politics rears its ugly head again.

Chuck War
Not that I begrudge him the spot at all. Like you said, he'll be a good addition.

Deuterium Boy
Best thing is, we're not the only rookies now.

He yawned, triggering a yawn from Hydrogen Guy. Chuck suppressed one of his own by filling his mouth with coffee.

Chuck War
You guys still jet-lagged?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... that 16 hour flight or whatever it was is killer. When are you going to get us our de Broglie boards back?

Chuck War
Hey, I told you guys -- I lost a couple levels of clearance when they demoted me. I can't get you anything for a while. Not even Urz-cheese.

Hydrogen Guy
You and your demotions.

Chuck War
Hey, you think I enjoy having Radar as my boss? He threatened to make me wear my dress uniform when I visit Area 51. He's just doing it to get back at me.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, me me me. The de Broglie boards were one of our best gimmicks.

Deuterium Boy
Not to mention that they were colour coordinated.

Chuck War threw up his hands.

Chuck War
Okay, okay, I'll talk to Phil, see what I can do. Jeez, you lead a Battle to Save the Planet, and what respect do you get? Absolutely nothin'.

Hydrogen Guy smiled. Chuck drained the last of his coffee and got to his feet.

Chuck War
I'm going to go see how Gen X Man and Rainbow Warrior are doing... hopefully RW hasn't started a "Save the Koalas" protest yet. You slackers can join me when you're ready.

He walked off, whistling. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy surveyed the city street. It was still something of a mess. But people were slowly coming back, reoccupying the damaged buildings, walking the sidewalks, driving the streets. The city was still in shock, but it was beginning to wake up.

They returned the wave of two pedestrians on the other side of the yellow caution tape.

Hydrogen Guy
You know what I'm going to do tonight?

Deuterium Boy
See if you can find a shop that sells inflatable alpacas?

Hydrogen Guy shot him a glare.

Hydrogen Guy
No. I'm going to call Kate Nereid.

Deuterium Boy
Who?

Hydrogen Guy
You remember that woman I dated last summer? The Haddockery incident?

Deuterium Boy
Oh, right, right... I thought you'd given up on that.

Hydrogen Guy
I had, sort of. But I saw her at the Jazz Fest not long before all this started, and I started thinking about her again. And I've made up my mind... life is too short not to call attractive women. You never know when you might be nuked by space shrimp, or raped by a wild boar-man.

Deuterium Boy
Or wind up as a blade of grass to be eaten by Sin Sheep.

Hydrogen Guy
Exactly.

Deuterium Boy
It's been an awfully long time. Think she'll talk to you?

Hydrogen Guy
I hope so. I think I'll play up the whole "calling from Australia" thing, maybe it'll discourage her from hanging up.

Deuterium Boy
Good thinking.

They finished off their beverages.

Hydrogen Guy
Back to it?

Deuterium Boy
Sure.

They got to their feet and headed down the street. The sun was shining, and it was a rather pleasant spring day.

The jungles of Welsh Guiana. Tuesday, near noon.

Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking leaned back in his hammock and took a sip of his pineapple juice. He looked over the newspaper - a Portuguese daily from Caernovo, almost three weeks old. It took time for news to penetrate this far into the jungle, and that's exactly how Hawking liked it.

Hmm... dramatic and destructive terrorist attack on Melbourne, Australia... terrible, terrible. Didn't sound like the Corporation's MO, but then he'd been away for... ye Gods, three years? Four? Five? One lost track of time out here, with just the natives and malaria-bearing mosquitoes for company. The Corp might have slipped that much since his time...

Back then he'd been head of the European Theatre of Operations. Then there was that business with the lobster. He shuddered, as he always shuddered when he thought about the creature. He had narrowly escaped with his life, after that went wrong.

He continued perusing the paper. He paused - was that a twig snapping outside? Or was it just him rustling the paper. He decided it was the latter, and went back to his reading.

The sound came again. That time, it was certainly not the newspaper.

He slowly got to his feet and crept to the door, grabbing his shotgun on the way. Stepping out of the mud hut, he scanned the jungle around him. He swept the barrel of the gun across the field.

Movement caught the corner of his eye. He whirled around, and his eyes went wide in horror.

A large animal was walking out of the jungle on its hind legs. It looked like a bear, of all things. What kind he couldn't tell, as its fur was covered in the thick mud of the Wumpopo river several miles to the east. The creature was carry an aquarium, about a third full of murky water.

In the water was a large lobster.

The bear, or whatever it was, spoke. "Dr. Hawking, I presume?"

He tried to bring the shotgun to bear (no pun intended), but by this time his hands were shaking so that it slipped out of his hands. It landed with a thud on the moss.

He croaked a half-coherent affirmative. The bear smiled, a horribly bright, cheerful, sociopathic smile.

"Yay! Dr. Hawking, we need your help."