Episode 64

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Somewhere in the suburban wasteland of Surrey, British Columbia, there is a top-secret ICBC facility - the Cyborg Biotechnology and Infomatics Development Lab. Most residents know it as an innocuous hospital, across from a Duffy's Brake and Muffler shop ("Free Oil Change with Every Mammogram or Colonoscopy!").

But both hospital and auto shop are connected beneath the street level, and behind closed doors, procedures both medical and mechanical are performed that the world has never before witnessed...

In a closed-off wing on the hospital's lower floor, two men are putting the final touches on the project that most of CBIDL's resources have been devoted to in the last year. Every spare corner of the garage-sized room is filled with computers, medical diagnostic equipment, and other stranger devices. On a table in the center of the room lies a humanoid robot - ten feet long from the Nike-patterned soles of its feet to the top of its spherical monocular head, and nearly five feet across at the shoulders. Its powerful arms end in hands with three nine-inch long fingers and a thumb. A forest of tubes and cables sprout from the robot's head and chest. Several of these lead to medical diagnostic devices, but most are SCSI and USB cables which connect to the ring of workstations surrounding the table.

One of the workstations is occupied by a slightly overweight man in black jeans and a "Mac OS X" T-shirt. His stubble-covered face, his bleary gaze at the terminal, a circle of empty coffee cups and take-out boxes, and a kind of funk in the air suggest he has been here all night.

The door opens and another man hurries in. He is taller and thinner than the other, dressed in navy suit slightly out of fashion, and a hastily-knotted pink tie. He has a full beard and his hair is tied back in a ponytail. The first man looks at him triumphantly.

Tim
Marty, it compiled!

Marty
Thank God! And with --

He checks his watch - it reads five minutes to nine.

Marty
-- thirty-five minutes before the boss gets here. Have you run it yet?

Tim
I was just about to.

Marty
I'll do it, you go get changed.

Tim
No time. We've still got those bugs in the weapons systems to fix.

Marty
Tim, are you nuts? You haven't even finished tracking it down yet. You'll have to tweak the code, then recompile and relink the fuel and weapons modules, it's impossible. Just forget it.

Tim
We can't just let it go the way it is.

Marty
Why not?

Tim
This bug's dangerous! People could die!

Marty
Tim, this is ICBC. That's the idea.

Tim
Yeah, but it's supposed to be deliberate. All right, then it could cost the Corp a lot of money. Let's just call the boss and ask him to push the presentation back to tonight. If we call in Armand and Dagmar --

Marty
They're on their honeymoon. Look, the project's three months behind schedule as it is. You know what'll happen if we ask the boss for more time with the investors already on their way to the lab? The company'll wipe our minds and ship us over to Microsoft's tech support line. Look, stop being such a perfectionist. We release it today, then in a couple weeks we'll just release a patch or something. Everybody's happy. Are you gonna boot the brain up or what?

Tim
Yeah, yeah. Park it over on the Sun...

Marty
Tim!

Tim
Sorry, didn't like where that was going.

Marty
[sighs] Don't do it again, we've got twenty minutes left.

Tim
Should we have maybe said something about those system bugs?

Marty
Nah. He'd just get his U-joints in a knot and then blab to the boss when we powered him up... how's our time?

Tim
Ten minutes. Come on, let's get this place cleaned up.

Marty
I'll take care of the lab, you get yourself cleaned up. Put on a suit or a T-shirt you've only worn once, or something...

After about ten minutes worth of dusting, refuse clearing, rushing around and general abstract busyness, both programmers were back in a reasonably clean lab. Tim had shaved, changed into a fresh white T-shirt, and thrown on a dark green sport coat. They were hastily shoving an overlooked pile of "Bazoom" magazines behind the server cabinet when the door to the lab opened.

Six people in impeccable business dress entered the room, lead by Hans-Raoul, the ICBC exec in charge of the project. With him was his personal assistant Robyn Cheung, carrying a clipboard (which actually had nothing on it but a Cosmo article on thigh exercises underneath a laser-printer test page, but carrying a clipboard always made her look efficient), and the project's senior scientist, Dr. Boynton, who was giving their three guests, two men and a woman, a running commentary on the facility.

Boynton
Oh ah, and, er, here we have two of the projects senior software engineers, Tim Rucker and Martin Ricotto. Ah, gentlemen, may I introduce Mr. Denton, of Canadian Arms and Warfare, Ms. Takaya, of Mishima Heavy Industries, and from Sony Corporation --

Guest #3
Dom. Just Dom.

Boynton
Ah,... yes. And I believe you know Mr. Galerkin...

Hans-Raoul
Are we ready to go, gentlemen?

Marty
Yes, sir.

Hans-Raoul
Spectacular.

He turned to the guests.

Hans-Raoul
The device you see on the table in front of you, ladies and gentlemen, is the result of over a year's worth of research and development by nearly a dozen partner corporations, of which the majority shareholders are represented here today. Let me summarize the particulars of the project for you in brief.
      Robert Ballistier, best known to the public as Battle Armour Bob, was a dangerous criminal known for his use of advanced and experimental military hardware. Late in Y2K, a close proximity explosion not only tore through his mechanized battle armour, but critically damaged or destroyed almost every organ in his head and torso. Except, fortunately, for his brain. Since he was on an ICBC assignment at the time, the Corporation felt it had an obligation to do what it could for him. His body was immediately brought here, to our labs here in the Royal Veteran's Hospital. It was here that the project was conceived - to rebuild Battle Armour Bob as the world's first actual cyborg built with native Earth technology, salvaging his brain and what other organic components and placing them in a top of the line robot body. After twelve months and nearly half a billion dollars, the new Battle Cyborg Bob is ready to serve the interests of the partnership. We hope that this project will provide the necessary proof-of-concept for a new era of military technology. Dr. Boynton?

Boynton
Er, yes, yes, a very good recap, Mr. Galerkin. Ah, Mr. Ricotto, Mr. Rucker, if you would assist me, we'll now prepare the unit for fully independent operation.

Boynton and the two techs begin to disconnect the various leads linking Bob with the surrounding equipment. They leave one thick cable connecting the central workstation to the robot's head.

Boynton
Very good; now, ah, Mr. Ricotto, if you will enter the command to initiate the transfer of autonomous control to the brain...

Marty leaned over the terminal Tim had sat at before and typed the name of a shell script into the command line.

Marty
All set.

Boynton
Very good. Mr. Galerkin?

Hans-Raoul
Ms. Takaya, would you like to do the honours?

She nodded and stepped up to the keyboard. Hans-Raoul nodded, and she hit the enter key.

The terminal's screen filled with text, and lights came on all over the robot. The machine's single round eye lit up. The arms and legs twitched; then the right arm came up and yanked the last cable from the port head's port. Grinding, whirring, and humming, the robot rose to a seated position.

The Sony rep drew an automatic pistol from his jacket. Hans-Raoul gently stayed his arm. The others watched in awe as the robot swung its legs over the side of the table, knocking aside several monitors, and rose to its feet. Its head rotated back and forth, its eye running over the assembled humans.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Well, HELLO World!

Hans-Raoul
Welcome back, Bob. How do you feel?

Bob stretched luxuriously, smashing a nearby light fixture with his left arm.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Like Paris in the spring-time, baby. I gotta rocket in my pocket and I'm ready to roll! Oh, would you look at all these beautiful people in bad suits!

He pointed to the visiting dignitaries.

Battle Cyborg Bob
All I see is black, black, black! A little splash of colour won't kill you, you know. Especially you, sweetie --

He pointed at Ms. Takaya.

Battle Cyborg Bob
The highlights in your eyes are just screaming, "Drape me in mint and cornflower!". She could give you some pointers.

His eye rotated towards Robyn Cheung.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Honey, you are so gorgeous, I could take you three times a day with meals. Like the suit, love the scarf, you might go a shade lighter on the frames but they're so retro I forgive you. You --

He pointed to "Dom" and then folded his arms.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Who died and made you Tarantino, I'd like to know? Just burn the whole thing and start over. That's all I have to say to you. Oh my gosh, is that Jed from CAW? Baby, I haven't seen you since the Beijing show! You look great, but I know you have better suits than that. Like whatever happened to that little blue thing you wore at Mario's that time? You know, that lunch with the Libyans. Jed, do you ever hear from Susie, oh, what's her last name? Calvin, that's it. Gawd, what a raging bull-dyke! U.S. Robots and Mechanical Men, indeed! Listen, I'll call you after the Primary Objective and we'll catch up. The rest of you --

He encompassed Marty, Tim, Boynton and Hans-Raoul with a sweep of his massive mechanical arm.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Utterly hopeless. And they thought I needed to be rebuilt from the ground up!

Hans-Raoul
Uh, Bob, if I could interrupt for just a minute?

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, sorry. My bad. You have to excuse me, I've had no one interesting to talk to in ages.

Hans-Raoul
No problem. I thought our guests might like to ask a few questions before we begin the demonstrations.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, of course. Ask me anything, folks, just stay away from flat versus pleats. I'm so sick to death of that whole debate, I could scream.

Hans-Raoul
Ah... right.

Ms. Takaya
Dr. Boynton, how much of the original body was salvaged for the cyborg?

Boynton
Er, minimal, minimal, I'm afraid. The brain and seven-tenths of the spinal cord remained entirely intact. Several, ah, major organs, the kidneys, liver, and remarkably the heart, were rebuilt from cloned embryonic tissue and incorporated into the system. The lungs unfortunately were a complete waste, as were the stomach and intestines. Our greatest achievement in the area of bio-integration was the inclusion of nearly all of the surviving bone marrow in a brilliantly redesigned immune system.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Stop, you'll make me nauseous.

Boynton
You are immune to nausea.

Dom
Will it be possible to put this kind of unit into production?

Boynton
Not immediately, no. Battle Cyborg Bob is not a final production model.

Battle Cyborg Bob
You bet your lab coat I'm not, pal.

Boynton
Further advances in the technologies of cloning, bio-integration and artificial intelligence are necessary to create a cyborg which can be, ah, mass-produced. Our field observation of Bob will be, ah, highly valuable in this area. Already, the spin-off technologies will be of, er, inestimable value.

Hans-Raoul
Bob's immediate value will lie in performing special operations for the various partnership corporations. The first of which we'll be initiating immediately.

Ms. Takaya
Immediately?

Hans-Raoul smiled.

Hans-Raoul
Yes. Rather than making Bob perform a succession of demonstrations which just consume resources and impress you without providing any useful information, I thought the ideal demonstration of his abilities would be to actually carry out his first objective.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Now you're talking!

Tim, Marty and Boynton looked concerned.

Boynton
Ah, well, er, Mr. Galerkin, the complete unit has not yet been fully tested as an operational, ah, whole, much less under complete independent control...

Hans-Raoul
Are you unwilling to vouch for the hardware, Dr. Boynton?

Boynton
Ah, no, no, everything has performed admirably in our laboratory tests --

Hans-Raoul
And I'm sure Messrs. Ricotto and Rucker can guarantee all the software?

Marty stomped on Tim's foot.

Marty
Of course. Everything's up to specs.

Hans-Raoul
I wouldn't expect anything less from any of you. And of course, we'll be monitoring the whole mission remotely, through all Bob's external and internal sensors, and in the unlikely event anything goes wrong, there's always the manual override.

Dom
Your confidence is impressive.

Hans-Raoul
The CIBDL team is the best in the world. And they know the consequences if they fail to live up to the partnership's exacting standards.

Tim and Marty exchanged nervous glances. Hans-Raoul turned back to Bob.

Hans-Raoul
Bob, you've been briefed on the Primary Objective.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, yeah!

Hans-Raoul
Do you feel ready to go?

Battle Cyborg Bob
I was born ready, Hansy.

Hans-Raoul
All right then... Dr. Boynton, open the roof.

Dr. Boynton pulled a radio intercom from his belt and spoke quietly into it. A few seconds later there was a loud rumbling sound, and the roof above them started to slide open.

Before the roof had even opened completely, bursts of flame erupted from the bottoms of Bob's feet, and he rocketed upwards into the clear blue sky. The others watched him dwindle into the distance until he was just a small, bright speck.

Tim
[whispering] Marty! What if he drains his energy weapons below half?!

Marty
[whisp.] Forget it. I'm more worried about that manual override...

Tim
[whisp.] What's wrong with the override?

Marty
[whisp.] There isn't one! Armand never got around to it.

Tim closed his eyes.

Tim
[whisp.] We'll be lucky if they send us to Microsoft...

December, the city of Maple Ridge. The Usual Coffee Shop.

Java Serf
Candy cane hot chocolate with whip cream, and a heavy water eggnog. There you go.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks. Here, DB.

He passed the festive, frothing mug to his partner in crime-fighting, the ever-eye-catching Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy
Thanks.

They made their way to a table by the window. They settled in, and Hydrogen Guy began spooning the whipped cream off his hot chocolate. As a nod to the festive season, he wore a sprig of mistletoe in his hat in place of the usual jaunty yellow feather.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, have you sent your Christmas cards out yet?

Deuterium Boy
Almost.

Hydrogen Guy
So they're just waiting to be mailed?

Deuterium Boy
Not quite.

Hydrogen Guy
You're still writing them?

Deuterium Boy
Haven't started.

Hydrogen Guy
But you've at least bought them.

Deuterium Boy
Nope.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, then how does that qualify as "almost"?

Deuterium Boy
I've decided that I'll send rectangular ones this year.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh good, last year's Christmas trapezoids weren't too popular...

Deuterium Boy
You?

Hydrogen Guy
I sent off the first batch this morning, but I'm still debating on the rest of the list...

Deuterium Boy
Oh, lord. You do this every year, and it drives me nuts.

Hydrogen Guy
Should we send cards to the Justice Council? I'm not sure if we have that kind of relationship with any of them yet. Though one could argue that saving the world together creates a kind of a bond...

Deuterium Boy
Does Valkyrie K even celebrate Christmas?

Hydrogen Guy
Haven't a clue.

Deuterium Boy
Just wait and see who sends us cards.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, we each got one from Alpha Man this morning. He sends them to everyone, I think. And it wasn't the peel-and-stick kind of stamp on it, either. It's the kind you have to moisten.

Deuterium Boy
Maybe he has super-stamp-licking abilities.

Hydrogen Guy
Probably he gets his publicist's office to do it for him.

Deuterium Boy
I wish we had a publicist's office.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but who would we get to send cards to them?

Deuterium Boy
Can we stop talking about Christmas cards now?

Hydrogen Guy
As you wish. How's Helium Girl settling in at her new place?

Deuterium Boy
Fine. Reaper's been over to cook for her twice already, he says it's nice. It's near Nelson and Bute, and apparently she's getting a really sweet deal on it.

Hydrogen Guy
Figures. Any hints why she came back to the mainland?

Deuterium Boy
[shrugs] She says she just found Victoria boring, and she missed Vancouver. Reaper thinks she wasn't getting along with Des.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah well. She and Lonnie can handle the place on their own... uh oh.

Deuterium Boy
What is it?

Hydrogen Guy
I don't like the looks of that...

He indicated the window. Traffic in the street had stopped as motorists and pedestrians peered up at the sky.

Deuterium Boy
D'you wanna go see what it is now, or wait for all hell to break loose first?

Suddenly, the people outside started running for cover. Something glowing and fast moving slammed into a stopped car, blowing it off its wheels and onto neighboring cars.

Hydrogen Guy
Too late. Let's go.

They pushed aside their drinks and dashed out of the shop. The java serf shouted something after them which didn't sound like words of encouragement.

Emerging onto the street, the Covalent Crusaders pushed their way through the panicking crowd. Hydrogen Guy scanned the sky as Deuterium Boy checked the demolished cars for potential rescuees.

Deuterium Boy
All clear, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
Good... whatever it is, it's looping around and coming back. Get ready.

The attacker was visible some distance away as a bright spot flying low over the city. Deuterium Boy pulled a pair of digital binoculars from his Useful Things and aimed them at the spot.

Deuterium Boy
It's some kind of robot... moving at 235 km/h... twelve hundred meters and closing.

Hydrogen Guy
Anyone we know?

Deuterium Boy
I've never seen that exact configuration before, though it kinda reminds me of... oh crap, it's Bob! Incoming!

They dived for cover as Battle Cyborg Bob swooped overhead. Air-to-ground missiles exploded around them as they scrambled under the nearest abandoned SUV.

Bob circled around and touched down across from the Usual Coffee Shop. Actually, "touched down" is probably incorrect, as it would seem to imply a gentle landing, rather than one involving a great deal of flame, smoke, and crushed sidewalk.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy cautiously climbed out from under the SUV, keeping the vehicle between themselves and Bob. Hydrogen Guy was just opening his mouth to start the opening round of witty banter when a pair of anti-tank missiles slammed into the SUV.

Deuterium Boy saw the missiles coming in time, and threw up a bonded-deuterium shield a split second before the SUV exploded. The Diatomic Duo scrambled back away from the flames and shrapnel.

Battle Cyborg Bob strode forward, shoving the flaming wreckage aside. Deuterium Boy kept the shield up, and Hydrogen Guy drew the Ruler of Elendil.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello, Bob. You're looking well, if a bit lacking in the Christmas spirit.

Bob punched the deuterium shield with his enormous fist. Deuterium Boy was sent tumbling back into Hydrogen Guy, dropping the shield. Bob gave a toss of his imaginary hair.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, you know. I never was into that whole Dickens-Capra scene. It's all so oppressive and conservative. Listen fellas, I just absolutely have to kill you. Crush, burn, destroy, that sort of thing. And even if it wasn't my Primary Objective, I owe it to you for destroying my human body. So just hold still, okay? I promise to make it as bloody as possible!

He lashed out again with his fist, and smashed a small crater into the pavement as HG and DB scrambled out of the way. As Doug has taught them, a good defense is the best offense, and the best attack is often a hasty retreat. Our heroes ran for cover as Bob deployed his two shoulder-mounted plasma chain cannons.

ZOT-ZOT-ZOT-ZOT-ZOT-ZOT!!!

A rapid series of plasma bursts tore through the front of the Usual Coffee Shop. Glass, tasteful wood paneling, and wrought iron-fragments flew. The Covalent Crusaders managed to keep just a half step ahead of the assault with their super-atomic speed.

Deuterium Boy
Hey! That was our favorite coffee shop!!

Hydrogen Guy
We'll have to start being extra nice to Carl so he'll give us that discount at Django Djava. Look out!

He grabs Deuterium Boy by the cape and yanks him back just before a high-powered laser blast vaporises him. Instead it melts a nearby fire hydrant, unleashing a torrent of water.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, you asses! You got my tie wet! It's silk, you know!!

Suddenly, the geyser of water freezes into a solid column of water. It cracks and teeters at the base, then levitates about an inch from the sidewalk and flies towards Bob. He bats it aside, shattering the ice. Aside from some scratches and a small dimple in his forearm, he is undamaged.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Ooh, nice trick, Hydrogen Guy! But it takes more than chucking ice cubes to slow down the all-new Battle Cyborg Bob! HA HA HA HA!!

A conference room somewhere in the CBIDL complex. Hans-Raoul and company are watching the action from Bob's point of view on a wall-sized projection TV. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy can be seen dodging plasma and laser blasts, and the occasional grenade. In one corner of the screens are a series of technical displays showing various aspects of the cyborg's performance.

Mr. Denton
He doesn't seem too concerned about conserving power.

Hans-Raoul
Well, I have to confess, that's never been Bob's style. To conserve batteries, the energy weapons systems lock up when power levels drop below fifty percent. That can be overridden by a signal from us, however, if the situation warrants it.

Dom
So he automatically switches over to conventional weapons?

Hans-Raoul
That's right. That doesn't exactly hamper him, though, as he's packed with two independent missile/grenade launchers, six concealed machine guns, and only the engineers know what else. A unique feature of Bob's "conventional" weapons systems is that all of the propellants used are hydrogen-free. In fact, we tried to minimize the use of hydrogen-containing compounds as much as was feasible in his construction. As you can imagine, that was extremely difficult.

Ms. Takaya
It sounds as if you built him with Hydrogen Guy in mind.

Hans-Raoul
We did. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are bad for business.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy ducked down an alley and stopped. Hydrogen Guy slumped against the wall, breathing heavily.

Deuterium Boy
All right?

Hydrogen Guy
Yah. Just drained. That ice ram was expensive...

Deuterium Boy
It was a nice try, anyway.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to use so much energy on something that we didn't really know would work. Now I'm limited in what else I can do.

Deuterium Boy
Shoulda gone for a water behemoth. But at least it distracted him for a few seconds. Now what?

Hydrogen Guy
We can't just let him tear the city apart running after us. We have to use our brains to stop him.

Deuterium Boy
Oh boy. Look, why don't we just call Chuck and --

Hydrogen Guy
No, we are not going to call Chuck War. And before you ask, we're not getting Helium Girl to bring the power armour from the Cave, either. We can do this.

A pair of grenades landed a few feet down the alley and exploded, sending showers of dirt and stone into the air. Battle Cyborg Bob stalked around the corner and started strafing the alley with the chain cannon.

Deuterium Boy
Yah, provided he actually gives us a half second to think! Run!

The Salon of Solitude! Top-secret crime-fighting headquarters of Vancouver's most beautiful and vivacious superheroine, Helium Girl! Actually it coincides conveniently with her west-end apartment, and doesn't look particularly superheroey, because, you know, that look is so 1985.

We find our heroine lounging on a tasteful heliotrope fainting couch talking on her cordless. Various shuffling and thumping noises in the background indicate that Cato, her faithful manservant, is moving furniture.

Helium Girl
Oh, I know... like, sure... oh I know, I know... Jane, I totally know what you mean... It's just not worth your time... Well, if she calls him, she calls him... like, no need for you to get all, like, you know... hang on a sec -- Cato, sweetie, put the screen on the other side -- right, that side. See, now it's not blocking the bureau. [to phone] Hi, Jane. Sorry, Cato's like, still moving some of my stuff in... well, you know how they are... probably tossing back coffee somewhere... oh, he's great, I'd just, like, die if he wasn't around... like, totally. Anyway ... like, totally... oh, like, sure, totally...

Deuterium Boy
ARRGH!

Hydrogen Guy
Still getting her voice-mail?

Deuterium Boy
Yes! Dammit, you think she'd have call-waiting!

Hydrogen Guy
Didn't you know? Call-waiting is far too 1997.

Our intrepid Covalent Crusaders are ducked behind the remains of a Keller Beverages truck several blocks from their initial encounter with Battle Cyborg Bob. Muffled explosions can be heard some distance away.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, DB. Let's review the options we've come up with so far. Chuck War is off-planet, and Helium Girl's on the phone. So that leaves us.

Deuterium Boy
We've tried attacking Bob's components, but there's not enough hydrogen or deuterium in his robot body to do anything with.

Hydrogen Guy
And our heroic sense of ethics precludes attacking any of his organic parts. Luring him into a large body of water is out because we're too far from a large body of water. The old James T. Kirk Anti-Evil-Computer Handbook is out because his brain is human, not a machine.

Deuterium Boy
We can't infect his software with a computer virus because we don't know his IP address.

Hydrogen Guy
And we've rejected the idea of dressing entirely in loud mismatched plaids in an attempt to short out the brain-machine interface as being just plain silly.

Deuterium Boy
I know you wanted to beat Bob with brain power, HG, but I'm afraid our brains are just too addled from Christmas shopping to come up with anything that doesn't suck.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, then DB. Our only choice is to do it the old fashioned way - mano a robo. Giant over-powered battle 'bot vs. enchanted ruler, exploding Deuterium-O-Rangs, and deuterium shield.

Deuterium Boy
I left the exploding ones back at the Cave. The only ones I have on me are the cream-filled ones.

Hydrogen Guy
Cream-filled?

Deuterium Boy
Fire-retardant foam, actually, but it looks a lot like whipped cream.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, you may be trying to be useless, but you may have given me a Clever Idea.

A pair of missiles explode uncomfortably close by.

Battle Cyborg Bob
I've got you now, Hydrogen Wimps! Come on out!

Hydrogen Guy
Let's go, DB! Get those cream-filleds ready!

The Salon of Solitude...

Helium Girl
Totally... Jane, sweetie, just, like, forget about it, you know? His market value has totally plummeted... I know... like, totally...

wwWWHOOSHHhh

Helium Girl
Jeez, Jane, sorry, can I call you back later? I just got one of those extra-sensory superhero sense thingies... Thanks. Bye! *beep* Cato! Just, like, leave the bedroom for now! To the Helium-mobile!

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy leaped over the over-turned truck, and immediately had to dodge Battle Cyborg Bob's plasma chain cannon. Hydrogen Guy leaped towards him, slashing at his chest with the Ruler of Elendil and planting a foot in Bob's eye as he sailed overhead. Bob yowled in indignation, and Hydrogen Guy landed behind him and kept going. Bob whirled around and opened fire at the fleeing Hydrogen Guy.

Battle Cyborg Bob
You little smart-ass!

Hydrogen Guy ducked behind a lamp-post, caught his breath, and then took off for a return pass. The lamp-post exploded and toppled from a pair of missiles. This time Hydrogen Guy leaped from six feet in front of Bob, and the cyborg was ready for him. Bob stretched his arms up to grab at Hydrogen Guy as he flew overhead.

As he saw the tip of Hydrogen Guy's hat appear over Bob's head, Deuterium Boy hurled a pair of Deuterium-O-Rangs. They hit right on their targets, impacting into Bob's arm joints as he reached up for Hydrogen Guy. The impact made him flinch slightly, so Hydrogen Guy escaped his clutches. The two Deuterium-O-Rangs exploded in twin bursts of fire-retardant whipped cream as Hydrogen Guy landed behind Bob and headed back towards Deuterium Boy.

Hydrogen Guy
Good shootin', DB!

Deuterium Boy
Hey, this is the Major Billy's darts champ you're talking to.

Battle Cyborg Bob turned to face them, foam squelching out from his shoulders.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oh, I suppose you jerks think you're really clever. Well -- HEY!

A third Deuterium-O-Rang hit solidly into his neck-joint, and exploded into foam. Bob angrily wiped the foam from his optic sensor.

Battle Cyborg Bob
That's it, I'm getting mad!

Deuterium Boy
Now, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
Now, DB.

The Diatomic Duo reached out with their elemental power fields for the hydrogen and deuterium atoms in the (deuterium enriched, because you never know) foam that had worked its way into Battle Cyborg Bob's seams and joints. The suddenly mobile deuterium ions shorted across his motor circuits while the rest of the foam turned into a thick gel. Bob's motors started sparking and popping as he struggled to move his arms and neck.

Battle Cyborg Bob
ARRGH!!!

His shoulders began to smoke, and then two small explosions blew out his shoulder joints. His neck was smoking slightly.

Hydrogen Guy
Say, Bob, looks like you're breaking out a little.

Deuterium Boy
You should lay off the chocolate.

Battle Cyborg Bob
GRRRR!!

Ms. Takaya
They seemed to have found a weak-spot in the unit.

Dr. Boynton
Ah, er, well, no system can be made one hundred percent, ah --

Hans-Raoul
It's not as serious as it looks. After all, this is why we put in the back-up systems.

Arcs of electricity danced across Bob's chest and shoulders. Suddenly, a series of explosive bolts ignited, and several sections of Bob's torso fell off, taking most of the troublesome foam with them. The damaged shoulder motors dropped away, and a collection of smaller, shielded motors moved into place from within the deeper recesses of the shoulder.

Bob stretched his arms out, checking their operation. He glared at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, who looked on with alarm.

Deuterium Boy
Uh... HG...

Battle Cyborg Bob
You little worms are so dead!!

Hydrogen Guy
What's Plan B, DB?

Deuterium Boy
Run!!

Bob let loose another plasma barrage as the Diatomic Duo took off. Plasma blasts and missiles blasted all around them as they ran down the street at top non-super-atomic speed. Hydrogen Guy signaled for Deuterium Boy to follow him down another alley.

Deuterium Boy
HG, wait! We can't go down there, that leads into Maple Ridge Square!

Hydrogen Guy
DB, we have to go somewhere!

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, but if we demolish another Beast --

Hydrogen Guy leapt in front of him and deflected a series of laser blasts with the Ruler of Elendil. Deuterium Boy took a reluctant look at the oncoming juggernaut and then followed Hydrogen Guy into the alley.

Dom
He's running them down. It should be over soon. I have to say, I'm very impressed.

Hans-Raoul
Bob's obsessive nature is advantageous for the sort of work he'll be doing. He's like a terrier, he keeps shaking whatever rodent he's caught until it's dead.

Mr. Denton
He's almost down to 50% power level.

Dr. Boynton
The, ah, switch-over to back-up motors was slightly expensive. The systems are still under development.

Ms. Takaya
He'll probably have to finish them off with conventional weapons.

Hans-Raoul
[nods] When he comes back, I'll have to have a word with him about his reliance on the energy weapons. We need him to strike more a balance.

Mr. Denton
Balance is very important.

Hydrogen Guy
INCOMINGGG!!

Deuterium Boy
Everybody, take cover!

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy shouted at tourists and passersby as they ran into Maple Ridge Square. The people in the Square looked at them in confusion. Then Battle Cyborg Bob emerged out of the alley, and started tracking the Diatomic Duo with his shoulder cannons; the crowd scattered almost immediately.

The Square was at the centre of town, and was a popular tourist attraction owing to the Beast - the giant mechanical horse perched atop a squat, cubical clock tower, looking much like a sort of novelty salt shaker. The current Beast was version two, the original having been accidentally demolished earlier in the year during a high-speed chase.

Deuterium Boy
Lead him away from the Beast!

Hydrogen Guy
We have to put a stop to -- OOF!

The pavement to his right exploded, blowing him off his feet. Deuterium Boy rushed over to him.

Deuterium Boy
HG!

Hydrogen Guy
Arrrgh... my leg...

He pulled his left leg out from underneath a large slab of cemented cobblestones.

Deuterium Boy
You're bleeding. Can you move it?

Hydrogen Guy
Don't know. Let's give it a shot.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Oooh! Blood!

Deuterium Boy helped Hydrogen Guy to his feet. Hydrogen Guy winced as he tried to put weight on his injured leg. The two heroes tried to hobble away as Bob tracked them with his targeting system.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, drop me and move!

Deuterium Boy
Stuff a sock in it.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Ciao, fellas!

A guided missile blasted out from his chest panel. Deuterium Boy saw it coming, and pulled Hydrogen Guy to the ground with him. He threw up a deuterium shield, a weaker one this time, unfortunately, and hoped it would hold. It probably wouldn't.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy both had their eyes closed, so they missed the thin red particle beam picking off the missile in flight.

Battle Cyborg Bob
What?!! Who --

Helium Girl
I am Helium Girl, defender of peace and champion of lighter-tha-air gases! My mission is to right wrongs, protect the innocent and make sure the good guys always look their best! And in the name of Helium, I'm gonna kick your ass, robot boy! Hi guys, sorry I'm late, but, like, Cato had a lot of trouble with parking.

Deuterium Boy
Helium Girl!

Battle Cyborg Bob
Fine, girlie! You're just delaying the inevitable!

Helium Girl
Ohmygawd, Bob, is that you? You are, like, such a pain in the neck!

Battle Cyborg Bob
Grrrr!

He whirled around and strafed his plasma chain cannon across where she was standing. Helium Girl easily leapt out of the way and floated back to Earth.

Helium Girl
Missed me, metal-head!

Deuterium Boy
Uh, HG... what's happening to the Beast?

Hydrogen Guy
What?

He followed Deuterium Boy's gaze to the mechanical horse. The horse's eyes were flashing red and a sort of air-raid siren was wailing from somewhere inside.

Hydrogen Guy
I may have said this already, but I don't like the looks of that...

The side of the clock facing Battle Cyborg Bob was sliding open. A large gun slowly emerged from inside the clock and aimed itself at the cyborg.

Pre-recorded voice
Use of unauthorized military ordinance and energy weapons are prohibited with the limits of the City of Maple Ridge under provincial law. Thank you for your co-operation.

A bright yellow beam almost half a foot across blasted from the gun and struck Bob full in the chest, knocking him back over twenty-feet. He hit the ground and skid an additional ten-feet, then lay still. The cannon retreated back into the clock and the face slid closed.

The superheroes stared in amazement. Hydrogen Guy was the first to recover.

Hydrogen Guy
Well... it's about time this city started taking vandalism seriously.

Hans-Raoul
What the hell?

Mr. Denton
That's the CAW-3012 perimeter automated response system, with a CL-18 Compact Super-Laser and a weapons auto-detect sensor system. The City bought the system from us when they built the new Beast. Great little system.

Ms. Takaya
Very impressive.

Hans-Raoul
Yes, unfortunately that's not the system we were hoping to see in action, Mr. Denton. Dr. Boynton?

Dr. Boynton
Ah... according to the sensors, we've lost most of the forward armour, and there's some additional damage to the torso motors... ah, good, he's coming back online now...

Helium Girl
Is he dead? Did it kill him?

Deuterium Boy
We'd better find out...

Hydrogen Guy
Uh oh. Too late...

Battle Cyborg Bob slowly got to his feet. His chest plating was scored, blackened, and buckled, exposing pieces of the inner machinery. Bob stiffly turned to face them. His robot head was expressionless, but his slightly jerky body language was quite explicit.

Battle Cyborg Bob
All right - that's it! I've had it. YOU DIE NOW!!

He brought his arm lasers to bear on the trio, and the plasma cannons on his shoulders began to glow menacingly. Then, with sudden click, the glow died away. Motors whirred as the energy weapons folded back into his body.

Battle Cyborg Bob
What? Oh, pits, I'm down to half-power already...

A pair of over-sized gatling guns swung into place on his shoulders, and an array of machine guns popped out of his arms. Bob shrugged and resumed his targeting.

Battle Cyborg Bob
Fine then. This will just be messier...

Suddenly flames poured out from under his feet as his jet boots blasted to life. Bob shot into the air with a shout of surprise, which was quickly lost as he rocketed upwards.

Deuterium Boy
What the hell?

Hydrogen Guy
Now what?

Battle Cyborg Bob
I'll get you for this, Hydrogen Guy!!!

Helium Girl
Huh.

They stared up at the sky, watching as Bob became a rapidly vanishing speck.

Helium Girl
So, like... you guys up for Japanese?

Marty
Oh, CRAP!!

Tim
What? What?

Marty
Tim, check this read-out...

Marty pointed to the PC screen. Tim looked over his shoulder, and swallowed hard.

Tim
His power fell below 50% and the jet boots came on.

Marty
And they're locked on! He'll keep going until he runs out of power!!

Tim
That's pretty good, actually...

Marty
WHAT?

Tim
I was expecting the jet boots to overload. The bug wasn't as bad as I thought...

Marty
Tim, where are those false beards?

Tim
Second drawer on the left.

Marty
Let's get out of here before Boynton tries the manual override...

Dr. Boynton lowered the phone.

Hans-Raoul
Well?

Dr. Boynton
Ah... the, ah, manual override doesn't, er, ah, seem to be, ah, responding.

Ms. Takaya
Was it damaged in the battle?

Dr. Boynton
Oh ah, no. It seems the software wasn't installed.

Hans-Raoul
The software wasn't installed.

Dr. Boynton
Mr., ah, Galerkin, I apologize, ah, profusely for this oversight, the, er, software team will be --

Hans-Raoul
Yes, Dr. Boynton, they most assuredly will. I sure as hell hope they documented their code. Ms. Cheung, make a note for the Corrections and Reeducation Department - I want every single programmer who worked on the project killed. Preferably in public, preferably violently, messily, and above all, painfully. I want the witnesses to be scarred for life. "Scarred for life", write that down and underline it.

Robyn Cheung
Yes, Mr. Galerkin.

Dr. Boynton
Are you, er ah, sure that's --

Hans-Raoul
Ms. Cheung, add Dr. Boynton's name to the list.

Robyn Cheung
Yes, Mr. Galerkin.

An uncomfortable silence descended on the meeting room. The screen behind them showed clouds and the odd startled bird whizzing by from top to bottom, and the muted sound of Bob cursing could be heard over the speakers. Hans-Raoul turned to the three visitors and smiled brightly.

Hans-Raoul
Any further questions? No? Okay, now we'll see how that sub-orbital survival system works...