Episode 66

Part I

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Feb. 2nd, 2002, 4:13 A.M.
Whonnock, Maple Ridge

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stopped at the edge of the driveway, next to a folksy wooden mail box in the shape of a hen house, complete with chickens. The long gravel drive curved up a slight hill like the upper half of a right parenthesis. They stared past the three MRPD squad cars, three ambulances, ghost car and fire engine which were currently packed into the drive and wondered at the dramatic lack of a house at the other end.

They walked towards where the house should have been, winding their way past emergency personnel running to and (likewise) fro. As they neared the end of the gauntlet of emergency vehicles, they got a slightly better view of where the house should have been. The house's buckled roof poked above the top of a large hole, into which the house had apparently vanished.

They heard a shout, and turned to see a thin police detective with a face reminiscent of a rock formation near Squamish coming to intercept them.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, Detective Peterson. I was wondering when we'd run into each other again.

Deuterium Boy
Congratulations on the promotion.

Peterson
What are you two doing here?

Hydrogen Guy
A little early for manners, is it?

Deuterium Boy
Parker called us. He said he had something we might find interesting.

Peterson
Well, he doesn't. I don't even know why he's here, I wouldn't even call this an SHVD problem. Sorry to have wasted your time, you can show yourselves back down the drive --

Hydrogen Guy
You are crabby this morning, aren't you? Before we go, how about you tell us what it is we wouldn't be interested in?

Peterson puffed out his breath in exasperation, creating a coffee-scented cloud of steam.

Peterson
If you think --

Parker
Peterson!

A stocky officer in a trenchcoat pushed his way towards them through the morning air.

Peterson
Special Agent.

Parker
Peterson, dammit, what did I tell you? Stop scaring the superheroes!

Peterson
Special Agent Parker, did you call these people?

Parker
Who I call on the SHVD nickel is my business, Peterson.

Hydrogen Guy
The air is thick with love, can you feel it?

Deuterium Boy
Mm.

Parker
I'll deal with you two in a minute. Peterson, the fire crew's getting ready to pull out. I want you to go and make sure they've made their statements.

Peterson
This is my investigation --

Parker
Enjoy it for the duration. And find out where that backhoe is, I want the last of the bodies out of the hole by sun-up.

Peterson stared at him in disbelief.

Parker
Now, mister!

Peterson
All right, all right...

He spared a glare for the Diatomic Duo, and then walked off down the drive.

Hydrogen Guy
He's a loving husband and father, though.

Parker
Didn't think he was married.

Deuterium Boy
What've you got for us, Special Agent Parker?

Parker
Step this way.

He led Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy towards the giant hole with fragments of roof poking out of it. They stopped at the edge and peered down. In addition to the roof, they could see fragments of the house's structure, crumbled siding and interior walls, a tangled mess of broken two by fours, and a few glimpses of crushed furniture.

Deuterium Boy
What did this? A sinkhole?

Parker
That's Peterson's theory.

Hydrogen Guy
Let me make sure we're all on the same wavelength here - this house just collapsed into this giant hole?

Parker
You've got it, sonny boy. Two stories plus basement and attic, built 1989 and up to all municipal and provincial building codes. This was the residence of one Richard Lance Holloran and family. The house collapsed sometime around 1:30 AM this morning - we know because the neighbours were woken up by the sound, and called 911 to report what they described as "a sudden explosion".

Hydrogen Guy nodded. This part of Whonnock, the easternmost part of the district of Maple Ridge, was heavily wooded. The houses were on large lots, and next-door neighbours were much farther away than in the suburbs.

Deuterium Boy
The family was inside?

Parker nodded grimly.

Parker
Unfortunately. Holloran, 47, wife Annabelle, 45, daughter Ericka, 16, and son Kurt, 10. The daughter's boyfriend, one Clinton Benavente, 17, may also have been in the house at the time. We're waiting to confirm that.

Hydrogen Guy
Man... what a tragedy.

Parker
If it was a sinkhole or criminally shoddy construction, that would be all it would be. But there are some things that don't add up. That's why I'm here, and by extension, why you two are here.

Hydrogen Guy
Tell us about it.

Parker nodded, and they started walking away from the hole.

Parker
Number one, we have reason to believe the occupants of the house were already dead when the house collapsed.

Deuterium Boy
What?

Parker
The bodies of the wife and son were found in the attic. Both were covered by numerous cuts, slashes and puncture wounds on their legs, arms and faces. Crime scene doc says that the wounds had already clotted by the time the trauma inflicted by the house collapse was inflicted. The daughter's body --

He stopped and pointed to an area near the wooded edge of the lot. It had been taped off from the rest of the lot.

Parker
-- was found over there. She showed similar marks on her legs and arms, plus a large gash across the throat. The latter's probably what did her in.

Hydrogen Guy suppressed a shudder.

Hydrogen Guy
What about the father?

Parker
We haven't found his body yet. We suspect he was on one of the lower stories. No sign yet of the boyfriend, if he was here.

Hydrogen Guy
Interesting picture. Any theories?

Parker
Two worth considering, at this point. Number one is Peterson's. The house started to fall, and those in the house headed for the highest point, except for the father and daughter. The father was either incapacitated before he could go anywhere or stayed downstairs for some other reason. The daughter and possibly the boyfriend made it out of the house. When the house fell, the girl was so distraught at the death of her family that she committed suicide by cutting her own throat.

Deuterium Boy
What about the other wounds?

Parker
Peterson thinks they were inflicted by debris in the first stage of the house's collapse.

Hydrogen Guy
Three things - first, if the house is collapsing, why go upstairs instead of trying to go outside? Second, the neighbour's description of a "sudden explosion" seems to contradict the idea that the house fell down in stages, like this theory seems to require. Finally, if the girl cut her throat, where's the weapon? And where did it come from in the first place?

Parker
I agree, it's weaker than decaf at the Pantry. Peterson would explain the first point as being due to hysteria, but I'd say hysteria would make them more likely to want out. The second point is largely a matter of physics on one hand and perception on the other, and you could make a case that supports both an explosive and multi-stage collapse. And the third - Peterson seems to think that depends on the whereabouts of the boyfriend.

Deuterium Boy
Obviously you don't buy it.

Parker
The three of us wouldn't be here if I did. Theory number two - both house and family were victims of a planned, coordinated assault by blood-thirsty badgers.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stopped simultaneously and stared at Parker, as if he had just suggested that the culprits were blood-thirsty badgers.

Deuterium Boy
Badgers.

Hydrogen Guy
That's taking the whole "Groundhog Day" idea a little far isn't it?

Parker shook his head.

Parker
The common North American badger, Taxidea taxus is quite distinct from the groundhog or woodchuck, Marmota monax. The latter is an omnivorous member of the squirrel family Sciuridae, order Rodentia. The badger, by contrast, is of the weasel family Mustelidae, order Carnivora. Although both burrowing mammals --

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay, just making a lame reference to the date... As nuts as this idea of yours is, Parker, it does explain some of the facts. The badgers invade the house, possibly by burrowing up through the basement. Holloran père attempts to fight them off downstairs, while the missus and Holloran fils take refuge on higher ground. Dad obviously fails to stem the tide, and the others find themselves trapped. The daughter escapes the house but the badgers take her down at the edge of the wood...

Parker
And then the little devils undermine the house's foundations with their murderous little claws and powerful forelimbs, and boom! Château Holloran comes tumbling down.

Deuterium Boy
Even an army of badgers couldn't dig out the foundations of a house like this, could they?

Parker
There's anecdotal accounts of badgers emerging from holes excavated through blacktopped pavement and two inch thick concrete.

Hydrogen Guy
How do you know so much about badgers?

Parker
I've been studying up.

Deuterium Boy
Why didn't they call for help?

Parker
Phone lines were chewed through. We've examined them, and it's pretty clear it didn't snap when the house came down.

Deuterium Boy
This is the 21st century. Someone in the house must have had a cell?

Parker
We found Holloran's in his truck. The girl, her boyfriend, or the wife might have had one, though.

Hydrogen Guy
I still don't think that adequately explains how the girl's throat was slashed, though. I don't know a lot about badgers, though I've heard they can get pretty nasty; but it seems unlikely a badger could cut someone's throat with it's claws.

Parker
That's what finally takes us into SHVD territory. Gentlemen, have you ever heard of the Whonnock Badger-Man?

Deuterium Boy
Vaguely. It's kind of local sasquatch-like legend, isn't it?

Hydrogen Guy
Same kind of idea. For almost fifteen years, people in east Whonnock and Mission have reported seeing some kind of large animal in the woods north of here. Descriptions range from a man-sized badger to a badger-like man.

Parker
There's also been casts and photos of prints, large droppings, all the usual details. Only outsiders call it the Whonnock Badger-Man. The locals refer to him as "King Badger".

Hydrogen Guy
Parker, I'm not one to dismiss the paranormal out of hand, but those stories are pretty vague, and the witnesses have mostly been drunk woodsmen.

Parker
And over two-thirds of the evidence has been confirmed as fakes - including one video debunked by none other than Phabulous Phil Fetzer himself - by everyone but the "true believers".

Hydrogen Guy
Well, exactly. This "King Badger" seems about as likely as --

Deuterium Boy
-- a leviathan pigeon slumbering beneath London?

Hydrogen Guy
Precisely.

Parker
Lads, we've both seen enough - pardon the expression - weird shit, real and phony. The evidence for the Badger-Man is pretty borderline, I admit, but it's got a file with the SHVD all the same. And reported sightings and encounters have been up the last few months, ever since Holloran Geological started making mineralogical surveys in Badger-Man country.

Before either of the Covalent Crusaders could respond, Detective Peterson made his presence known with a pointed ahem. Parker glared at him. Peterson was smiling - Hydrogen Guy found it vaguely creepy.

Parker
What now, Peterson? I --

Peterson
We just picked up Clinton Benavente at a friend's place about two clicks from here. They're bringing him to the Whonnock station, but apparently he's behaving suspiciously. I think your insane "killer badgers" theory is about to meet the men with the white coats, Special Agent Parker.

Parker
Fine. Let me talk to Benavente --

Peterson
Sure thing. You get an order from your Department, and I'll arrange it.

Parker
If you want to do it that way, fine. [to HG and DB] You boys go ahead and take a look around, I'll --

Peterson
And that's another thing. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, you can go.

Parker
Dammit, Peterson!

Peterson
This is still my investigation, Special Agent, and I say they wait until we're done. Neither you, nor the SHVD, nor the League of Heroes can force me to give them access while the official investigation continues. Now if you'll excuse me, I see the backhoe is here. Good-bye, gentlemen.

He turned and left.

Hydrogen Guy
Does this mean our brunch is off for Tuesday?

Deuterium Boy
He really doesn't like us, does he?

Parker
Sometime in his life, that man went out for dim sum and sat on a chopstick... Sorry, boys, but it'll have to wait. I'm still going to try and talk to Benavente, before Peterson manages to charge him with something.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll see what we can dig up - ah, find out, about the Badger-Man.

Parker nodded.

Parker
Keep it real, gentlemen.

Hydrogen Guy
Peace out, G.

Deuterium Boy
Word.

Feb. 2nd, 2002, 8:32 A.M.
Django Djava Café & Bistro, downtown Maple Ridge

Carl
My friends. I bid you good morning.

Hydrogen Guy
How are you, Carl?

Carl
Vaguely disturbed, I'm afraid.

Deuterium Boy
More dark visions?

The Romany proprietor sighed. He reached up and adjusted his plaid tam, which offset perfectly his red scarf and silk shirt.

Carl
No, I have just been informed by my barista Louise that our friend Hydrogen Guy has forsaken his trademark hot chocolate.

He looked with one raised eyebrow at the fancy glass of Japanese green tea that Hydrogen Guy held in his hand.

Carl
Are you sick? Have I somehow offended you that you spurn my five excellent and creamy varieties of domestic and imported cocoa?

Hydrogen Guy
I'm sorry, Carl, I should have warned you. I'm on a strict no-hot chocolate diet. It was starting to go to my midriff.

Deuterium Boy
He was starting to worry he'd have to stop wearing his "Princess" crop-top.

Carl
Please, please. It's too early in the day...

Hydrogen Guy
Doug agrees that tea is better for a proper Zen lifestyle anyway... This green tea, by the way, is spectacular. What kind is it?

Carl shrugged.

Carl
You know, I'm not really sure. There isn't any English on the box and I don't read Japanese. I'm not even positive that it's tea, but it's herbal and comes in bags so pfft! It's worth at least two dollars a glass.

Hydrogen Guy
You're a connoisseur of the first order, Carl.

Carl
Somebody in this town needs to be. Enjoy your beverages, my friends.

He wafted away. Hydrogen Guy shook his head, amused. He looked at Deuterium Boy, who was looking over the morning papers, and noticed his companion didn't share his amusement.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, you're grimacing at the Globe and Mail. Is there a specific something in it that disturbs you, or are you just contemplating moving on to the National Post?

Deuterium Boy
Read this.

He passed the paper over to Hydrogen Guy, pointing out the relevant article. Hydrogen Guy skimmed it, then started reading it in detail.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, I see our good friend Detective Peterson has briefed the press already. No mention of badgers, yet.

Deuterium Boy took back the paper and resumed his perusal.

Deuterium Boy
Speaking of Peterson and investigations, what do you want to do about that?

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know... I've been thinking about it all morning. It's not one of our more straightforward cases.

Deuterium Boy
Not like there was an easily traceable smashed strudel involved or anything.

Hydrogen Guy
Torte... It's clear that Peterson's theory doesn't hold up, although it'd probably be accepted at the inquest despite that, just because it's easier on the linear mind than Parker's unholy army of badgers.

Deuterium Boy
Maybe we should try hunting out this Badger-Man.

Hydrogen Guy
It's a big forest. No, we should start back at the Holloran house. Provided Peterson's backhoe didn't smash everything flat, we might be able to find some physical evidence to support the badger theory.

Deuterium Boy
Like tunnels, you mean.

Hydrogen Guy
Precisely. Tunnels which we could trace back to the den of the Badger King, if such a creature exists.

Deuterium Boy
Head up after work, then?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure. Hopefully Peterson's investigation will turn out to be as nocturnal as our badger friends.

He sipped his tea, and was startled to see out of the corner of his eye that Carl had reappeared. He was glad, thought Hydrogen Guy, that none of the supervillains of his acquaintance could move as stealthily as Carl.

Carl
I'm sorry to intrude again, my friends, but I just discovered a message on my answering machine that was intended for you.

Deuterium Boy
For us? From who?

Carl
He - I believe the individual was male, but the voice was rather androgynous - was inappropriately vague, and rather cryptic.

He placed a piece of message paper in front of Hydrogen Guy.

Carl
Kindly inform your spy friends that I am not an answering service.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Carl. It won't happen again.

Carl
Think nothing of it. I shall probably complain of this incident in passing to other customers. It will help to build cachet.

Once again, he wafted away. Deuterium Boy watched curiously as Hydrogen Guy read the message.

Deuterium Boy
Well?

Hydrogen Guy
"Badger chases otter, and dikes become tunnels. The beasts meet tonight at moonrise."

Deuterium Boy
I can see how Carl would be annoyed and intrigued at the same time.

Hydrogen Guy
It's from Light Throat. He has information for us about the Holloran case.

Deuterium Boy
How do you get that?

Hydrogen Guy
Badgers are to tunnels as otters are to dikes -- ?

Deuterium Boy
Otter's Dike. Right. Where does he want to meet?

Hydrogen Guy
I think I can interpret this as saying he'll meet us at the Beast at moonrise. When's that?

Deuterium Boy pulled the local paper out of the pile and flipped to the appropriate page.

Deuterium Boy
11:42 PM. It'll be a waning gibbous.

Hydrogen Guy
A good omen. Wait,... damn. I promised to go see the late show of Le Fou, La Pamplemousse with Kate and one of her friends tonight. It starts at 11:30.

Deuterium Boy
What? That's the second time you've been out with her this week.

Hydrogen Guy
Things are going well.

Deuterium Boy
Ooooh, eh?

Hydrogen Guy
Less of you. Okay, no big deal, I'll just slip out to the bathroom. The Beast's only, uh, six blocks away... DB, maybe you can meet him and then bring him to the mall... ?

Deuterium Boy
You want me to bring our faerie informant to the mall.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah.

Deuterium Boy
Sure, I'll try. Why on Earth are you going to see Le Fou, La Pamplemousse, anyway?

Hydrogen Guy
I have a secret enthusiasm for long, rambling Proustian movies. Plus I've noticed that certain females find them ... stimulating.

Deuterium Boy
You're a piece of work.

Hydrogen Guy
I do my best.

He quaffed the rest of the tea, and looked perplexedly at the bottom of his glass.

Hydrogen Guy
Odd.

Deuterium Boy
What?

Hydrogen Guy
I have this sudden hunger for corn chips.

Feb. 2nd, 2002, 5:35 P.M.
Whonnock, Maple Ridge

The Tritium Truck sat at the edge Holloran driveway. Hydrogen Guy was standing beside the truck, looking up at the crater. Deuterium Boy was leaning against the other side of the truck, his cell phone to one ear, nodding and making listening noises.

Deuterium Boy
Right... okay, thanks, Parker. I'll let him know.

He hung up and replaced the phone on his Useful Things belt.

Hydrogen Guy
What's the story?

Deuterium Boy
Starting at the beginning -- they found Richard Holloran's body on the first floor, with similar wounds to his wife and son. Autopsies confirm that the marks on the family's limbs, throats and faces had already clotted by the time the bodies were crushed in the collapse. No traces of debris were found in any of those wounds, making it unlikely they were inflicted by flying debris, but they are consistent with a wild animal attack.

Hydrogen Guy
Score one for Parker. What about the girl's throat wound?

Deuterium Boy
That autopsy's been postponed until tomorrow. Parker says he thinks Peterson's waiting for the kid to confess to something.

Hydrogen Guy
To what? Taking off and disposing of the knife after the girl cut her throat? Or killing her?

Deuterium Boy
The former, but he'd probably be ecstatic at the latter. Benavente maintains he was nowhere near the place that night, although he can't or won't say where he was.

Hydrogen Guy
Probably smoking some of Carl's tea in a parking lot somewhere, that's why.

Deuterium Boy
They've let him go, but Peterson's still trying to trace his movements and find the knife.

Hydrogen Guy
The hypothetical knife that doesn't exist, if Parker's idea about a badger wendigo is right.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, one other loose end - Annabelle Holloran didn't like cell phones, and Ericka's parents wouldn't let her have one until she could pay for it herself. So after the main phone line was cut, there was no way to call out unless Holloran reached the phone in his truck.

Hydrogen Guy
Convenient. Well, the score is tied one all for now. Let's go check out the hole.

They repeated their climb up the driveway. Near the crater, they took out their portable hand multi-sensor devices, the Scan-O-Matics, and opened the antennae. The machines began chirping industriously.

The scene in the crater had changed considerably since the previous night. Caterpillar tracks crisscrossed the lawn around it, and large piles of wood, stone, drywall and insulation had been pulled out of the hole. They briefly scanned the debris, then moved on to the hole itself. There was still a great deal of rubble inside, although now they could see to the basement and first floor - which were now both in the basement - in several areas.

Deuterium Boy and Hydrogen Guy took up two positions at the edge of the hole about twenty feet apart and worked the Scan-O-Matics.

Deuterium Boy
Mini-sonar shows a whole network of tunnels about six metres down, each about a half meter in diameter... and one huge one coming from the north, eight metres down and almost two metres across.

Hydrogen Guy
Gadzooks! Is the ground we're on stable?

Deuterium Boy
I should hope so, with the cops driving a backhoe over it all night... the crater itself goes down, whoa, ten meters below normal basement level in some spots.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm getting no residual traces of explosives, so the house wasn't blown up --

Suddenly, there was a noise down below. In a flash, the Covalent Crusaders had stuffed the Scan-O-Matics back in the belts and had draw their swords, ready for the army of giant mutant badgers waiting to pour out of the crater.

One of the giant mutant badgers cursed venomously in a pleasant contralto, then called out "A little help down here, please?". Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy looked at one another quizzically, and started moving around the edge of the hole for a better view.

They found a statuesque blond woman trying to disentangle her tweed jacket from a broken rafter, while simultaneously trying to pull her left foot out of a hole in the floor of a partly cleared area. They sheathed their blades.

Hydrogen Guy
Ms. Lakefront-Property?

Lola Lakefront-Property, reporter for the Maple Ridge Gazette, looked up at them with a mixture of relief and chagrin.

Lola
Oh, it's you two. Can you get me out of here?

Deuterium Boy
What are you doing down there?

Lola
I wanted to check out the remains of the foundations. But when I got down here, I realised I couldn't climb back out. I've been down here for over an hour. C'mon, help me out here?

Hydrogen Guy
Hang on, we're on our way down...

He jumped off the edge of the crater and floated gently down towards Lola using his hydrogen powers. Deuterium Boy followed once he touched down. Hydrogen Guy helped Lola free herself from immediate predicament.

Hydrogen Guy
What's a nice reporter like you doing in a place like this?

Lola
Don't you dare breath a word of this to anybody. I don't want people thinking I'm any superhero's Lois Lane!

Hydrogen Guy
How do you want to get her out of here, DB? You go up first and then we do the Flying Karamazov Brothers routine?

Deuterium Boy
Sure, it's about time we tried it without a net.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm sure using a live human being will be a lot easier than those watermelons, anyway.

Deuterium Boy
Not as messy, either.

Lola
Forget it!

Hydrogen Guy
You want us to leave you here?

Lola
No! All right, I get the point. Thanks for coming along when you did.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't mention it.

Lola
I won't. What are you two doing here, anyway?

Deuterium Boy
Same as you.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm guessing you didn't buy the MRPD's version of events either, eh?

Lola
Not completely. I bought the sinkhole theory. I also believed the kid's story that he wasn't here when the house came down, and thought there were some unanswered questions about the family's deaths, and that I might be able to find out something the cops weren't telling. Now that I've seen those, though, I'm wondering about the whole sinkhole thing...

She pointed to the side of the hole near where the Diatomic Duo had just come down. An irregular row of six burrow entrances were set into the side of the crater, through what was formerly the basement floor and wall.

Lola
There's more over on the other side.

Hydrogen Guy whistled.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, would you look... would you smell that!

Deuterium Boy
Oh lord, yes... do they have scent glands?

Hydrogen Guy
I think so, they're related to skunks...

Lola
What are you two talking about? What smell? Are those tunnels?

Hydrogen Guy
Let's get a closer look...

He drew the Ruler of Elendil, and Deuterium Boy took out his Scan-O-Matic. They crept closer to the tunnels, Lola following behind them.

Hydrogen Guy
It's a lot stronger here.

Deuterium Boy stuck his nose hesitantly into one of the tunnel, took a sniff, then quickly jerked his head back.

Deuterium Boy
God, yes... it's like sticking your nose into somebody's Davy Crockett cap.

Hydrogen Guy
Lola, you must be able to smell it from here...

Lola
I do smell something, faintly... something musky...

Hydrogen Guy
Be thankful you don't have a super-atomic sense of smell.

Deuterium Boy
HG, check out these marks...

He pointed to a series of deep scratches near the tunnel opening.

Hydrogen Guy
I bet those match the marks on the Hollorans.

Lola
What are you saying?

Hydrogen Guy
Badgers, Ms. Lakefront-Property.

Lola
Badgers? You mean the big furry things, bad tempers?

Deuterium Boy
It's not our crazy idea this time.

Hydrogen Guy
But it's looking less crazy every minute. DB, we should try to find the big tunnel.

Deuterium Boy
Over this way. Mini-sonar says the entrance has collapsed.

They proceeded to walk around the edge of the former basement wall, until they came to an area still piled high with debris.

Lola
So you're saying that badgers dug out under the house?

Hydrogen Guy
And killed the Hollorans... DB, think we can move some of this stuff?

Deuterium Boy
Not without that backhoe.

Lola
But why? How? They're just animals!

Hydrogen Guy
Parker thinks it has something to do with the Whonnick Badger Man.

Lola
Oh my God, you're kidding! That's "Weekly World News" stuff!

Deuterium Boy
We were skeptical too, at first. But Ericka Holloran's throat was cut by something that might have been an oversized badger claw, and behind this debris is what shows up on the sonar as a giant badger tunnel.

Lola
Oh my God...

Hydrogen Guy
Forget, DB, we can't through all this.

Lola
Every time I talk to you guys, I start questioning my own sanity.

Hydrogen Guy
Speaking of which, we're meeting an old mutual friend at moonrise tonight.

Lola
Who?

Hydrogen Guy
Light Throat.

Lola
He's still alive?

Hydrogen Guy
Apparently. And he's got some info for us on this badger thing.

Deuterium Boy was watching his Scan-O-Matic with some concern.

Lola
Where?

Deuterium Boy
Uh, HG...

Hydrogen Guy
I can't give everything away, can I? I'll let you know what he says, if you want.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy...

Lola
I'm not sure that'd be a good idea.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy, something's coming through the tunnels!

Hydrogen Guy
Crap!

The sound of flying earth and rock came from behind the pile of debris, and then of scrabbling claws through wood and drywall. The three hasten away from the debris, then stopped when they saw four large furry shapes emerge from the tunnels they had been examining moments before.

Hydrogen Guy
Badgers!

The four in front of them charged. Behind them, they heard the debris shifting as more badgers tried to claw their way out. More scrabbling could be heard from elsewhere in the crater.

Lola
Get us out of here!

Hydrogen Guy
Up, up and away!

He grabbed Lola around the waist and leaped, putting extra effort into assuming the density of hydrogen. Deuterium Boy was right behind them as they touched down at the top of the crater.

Deuterium Boy
The Tritium Truck!

Hydrogen Guy
Let's go!

They started running down the drive towards the truck. Deuterium Boy had his eyes fixed on their goal when suddenly the ground beneath the Tritium Truck gave way and it plunged from sight. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Lola stopped dead in their tracks.

Deuterium Boy
Holy Dzelarhons, the Haida Frog Princess!

Hydrogen Guy
What, no badger gods?

Deuterium Boy
It's short notice!

Hydrogen Guy
[to Lola] Where did you park?

Lola
At the neighbours, I came through the woods. I didn't want anyone to see me.

Hydrogen Guy
No good, trying to go through the woods was Ericka Holloran's mistake.

Lola
Then we're trapped!

Hydrogen Guy glanced behind them. Several furry bodies were scrambling over the edge of the house crater.

Hydrogen Guy
Hold on --

He grabbed Lola around the waist once more, and took off at top super-atomic speed. They flew straight over the hole into which the Tritium Truck had vanished and came to a screeching halt on the opposite side of the car. Lola stumbled out of Hydrogen Guy's grip as Deuterium Boy appeared beside them.

Deuterium Boy
They're still coming!

Lola
My car --

Hydrogen Guy
Forget it, you can get it when this is all over! Run!

She nodded and took off in the direction of town.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, the security system!

Deuterium Boy
But --

Hydrogen Guy
The truck's a loss already, just do it!

Deuterium Boy sighed and took his keys from his pocket. He pointed what looked like car alarm remote at the pit where the truck had been and pressed a button.

The pit at the bottom of the drive exploded in a ball of blue-green flame.

Deuterium Boy
My truck...

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but it'll slow them down. Come on.

They took off after Lola. They heard the honk of a large truck behind them. Deuterium Boy turned and waved his arms. A black "Guinness" truck pulled over beside them.

Deuterium Boy
Wow, saved by Guinness!

Hydrogen Guy
There really IS a Cosmic Pie!

The driver opened his door and leaned out. He stared at the burning pit in the middle of the Holloran driveway.

Driver
What in the hell is that? You folks okay? Hey, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy!

Hydrogen Guy
Howdy. Can the three of us get a lift back to town?

Driver
Sure, come on in.

They helped Lola climb up first, then the two superheroes followed. Hydrogen Guy took shotgun. He closed the passenger door and the truck started off.

Deuterium Boy
You might want to radio the fire department, or something.

Driver
Yeah, sure.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, and if you see a badger in the road?

Driver
Yeah?

HG, DB, & Lola
RUN OVER IT!

Next Week: A date with Kate Nereid! A meeting with Light Throat! And the deadly truth about King Badger!

All in the Thrilling Conclusion of...

Night of the Badger!
Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!