The Vector of Doom - Part III

Last Episode: On the trail of Opposition Man and the Hawking Parliamentary Destabilizer - a device which can cause massive governments to explode - Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy wind up in downtown Vancouver, where they are attacked by Gareth Prime, an inter-dimensional hunter on the trail of the fearsome Vector of Doom. He asks the Diatomic Duo to help him on his quest, but they turn him down. Our heroes then meet Clem Heffelmeyer, an outspoken ex-Reform Party backwoodsman and now a member of Opposition Man's extremist umbrella group, the Complete Annihilation Party. Heffelmeyer leads them to the party's headquarters where they meet the fiendish Opposition Man in the flesh...

Heffelmeyer
Chief, lemme intra-duce you to Jeff and Mel Melkowski, a coupla AirCare em-ploy-ees in the city. Just call'em both Mel, they seem t'get a kick out of it.

The massive figure looming before them is not your typical Canadian political party leader. Opposition Man is easily seven feet tall and about half as wide, with enough bulging muscles to make a pro-wrestler look malnourished. He is wearing skin-tight blue tights with alarming red streaks on it. Over-top of this he wears a mechanical harness of some kind. A hideous, beast-like mask hides his features.

Opposition Man
Welcome, Jeff and Mel Melkowski! I apologize for my outburst before... I am Opposition Man...

He extends his massive paw and shakes their hands with a crushing grip.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, that's - erk! - quite all right. I'm sure we startled you.

Deuterium Boy
[massaging his hand] I'm sure you had important work to do.

Opposition Man
-Y-E-S-! My colleagues and I have developed an exciting new plan to liberate Canada - and then the WORLD - from the grip of corrupt, fat politicians!

Hydrogen Guy
Oh?

Suddenly, a door slams shut on the other side of the room. A small, thin man with a goatee beard, dark glasses, and a white lab coat storms across the room towards them.

Deuterium Boy
It's ICBC's top mad scientist, Dr. Sige Gaas!

Hydrogen Guy
Damn!

Dr. Sige Gaas
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy! [he turns to Opposition Man and Heffelmeyer] Fools! How did they get here?!

Heffelmeyer
I brought'em here, Doc. This is Jeff Melkowski and his brother Mel. They're a coupla AirCare workers innerested in the party...

Dr. Sige Gaas
You possum-brained moron! This is Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, defenders of Truth, Justice and the Canadian Way!

Hydrogen Guy
Guilty!

Opposition Man
Deceitful worms!! Prepare to be -D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D-!!

Dr. Sige Gaas
Be quiet, Opposition Man. Heffelmeyer! I warned you not to bring superheroes here! And these two are the worst of the lot!

Opposition Man
Corrupt Liberal tools of the weak federalist regime!

Heffelmeyer
Well how the hell was I supposed to know they's superheroes?! Who the hell ever heard of superheroes hangin' around in a coffee shop? They told me they was AirCare workers.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Do they look like AirCare workers to you?

Heffelmeyer
I thought maybe they played in some glam-rock band!

Hydrogen Guy
Now, gentlemen, don't fight. Simply hand over the Hawking Parliamentary Destabilizer and we'll take you into custody and be on our way.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Oh, so you know about the portable Destabilizer, do you?

Deuterium Boy
What nefarious scheme has ICBC got cooked up for it, Gaas?

Hydrogen Guy
And what's with this strapping example of steroid abuse here?

Opposition Man
I am OPPOSITION MAN, and I am dedicated to the destruction of any government which dares to defy me! I have control of the Hawking Destabilizer, Hydrogen Guy! It will be the Doom of the Canadian Political Establishment!

Dr. Sige Gaas
Indeed, Hydrogen Guy. We have developed a new, compact model, the HPD 2. We have accelerated its effect on the electoral field, as well - the Canadian government will now fall within hours, instead of weeks.

Gaas glances around the room.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Opposition Man! Where is the Destabilizer?!

Opposition Man
It has been removed to a secret location.

Dr. Sige Gaas
What? Why?

Opposition Man
You and ICBC have been valuable allies, Dr. Gaas, but your usefulness has come to an end. I am through with your interference!

Dr. Sige Gaas
Have you activated it?!

Opposition Man
-Y-E-S-!

Dr. Sige Gaas
NO!! It is too soon, the field transformer is not properly balanced! At it's level of power, you'll throw then entire continent into Hawking-generated political chaos! You know I speak the truth!

Opposition Man
There is no truth but the truth of Complete Annihilation! The federalist regime will crumble, and Canada will dissolve into radically polarized regions, like fruit ripe for the plucking!

Deuterium Boy
Dude, you're whacked.

Opposition Man
Clem, please show Dr. Gaas and the Melkowski brothers the way out. They are Unbelievers!

Hydrogen Guy
The Code of the Super-Heroes, Oppie, requires me to tell you that you can't get away with this.

Opposition Man
Foolish federalist worm! You will never find the Destabilizer in time! Clem!

Heffelmeyer
Time to git, folks.

He ushers Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Gaas towards the back door, pushes them out, and slams the door behind them.

Three people in business suits walk past an office plant in one of the many office towers of Vancouver. Once they are past, he steps out from behind the plant where he has concealed himself. One of his many talents is the ability to convince others that they do not see him, provided they do not look directly at him.

He stands still as stone in the hallway. His senses are all strained to their natural limits. He smells millions of scents undetectable to humans, sees wavelengths of light we cannot, hears frequencies of sound that only animals can hear. These sense tell him nothing, but he feels a fluctuation in the ambient magnetic field. A power surge in the building's hydroelectric power? No. It's his prey.

He goes to a nearby window. He sees the street two stories below. No sign of it, but he has the wrong vantage point. He needs to be outside.

He pries open the window, breaking the opening panel off its hinges. The window wasn't meant to open wide enough for a humanoid body to pass through. As he climbs out, he spies an appropriate street-level perch from which to look around. He jumps.

He lands on the vehicle with a crunch of metal and plastic. His muscles and skeleton aren't like ours, they evolved on a world where jumping several hundred meters onto a hard surface in high gravity was the norm. He peers around, ignoring the commotion around him. Thousands of smells, millions of electromagnetic vibrations.

Cab Driver
Hey! Hey, you! Thing! Get off my cab! What you do to my cab, eh? Get off! Hey! Thing! Hey!

Policeman
What's the trouble here?

Cab Driver
This thing! It jump from up there, it land on my cab, look what it do to the roof, heh? It just sitting there, it won't get off!

Policeman
Have you been drinking, sir?

Cab Driver
You think I'm drunk crazy?! Look up there! Hey you! Hey!

Policeman
I don't see... [turns to look directly at the cab's roof] What the -

Gareth Prime glances only momentarily at the uniformed man drawing a pistol on him, when he hears a man's scream coming from several city blocks away, which is suddenly cut short. The local magnetic fields twitch wildly, all pointing in the Vector's direction.

He leaps off the cab's roof and sprints through traffic, much faster than any animal has run in North America in thousands of years. The cop is left standing, gun aimed at nothing, in a state of disbelief, as the cab driver swears in Arabic.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy - you've got to find the Parliamentary Destabilizer and shut it down!

The odd trio is still standing on the sidewalk outside Complete Annihilation Party headquarters.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, so Mr. ICBC mad scientist has changed his mind about the big bad Destabilizer, has he?

Dr. Sige Gaas
It was meant to be used as a bargaining chip, it was never meant to be used!

Deuterium Boy
What about the Black Rose's Garner Field generator and dimensional teleporter. Those bargaining chips too?

Dr. Sige Gaas
Look, nobody else was hiring in the 80's, it was either ICBC or a post-doc at Iowa State. What am I supposed to do? We don't have time for this kind of conversation! Every minute that device is on, the electoral vacuum becomes more active!

Hydrogen Guy
Do you know where Oppie's hidden the device?

Dr. Sige Gaas
No!

Deuterium Boy
We don't believe you.

Dr. Sige Gaas
I swear it's the truth! We'll have to look for it!

Hydrogen Guy
You got a car?

Dr. Sige Gaas
Yes.

Hydrogen Guy
I'll drive.

Hydrogen Guy gestures "after you", and Gaas leads them toward his car, a late model German automobile. Gaas passes Hydrogen Guy the keys. Hydrogen Guy takes the driver's seat, Deuterium Boy the passenger seat, and Gaas is forced to squeeze into the woefully inadequate back seat. As Hydrogen Guy turns the key in the ignition, the car radio comes on.

Radio
... the news. In a surprise upset, a referendum question in Simon Fraser University's student elections to impeach the entire student society government has passed with an overwhelming majority. Also elected with a strong majority was perennial nuisance candidate Steve the Loony as student society president , who said his first act as president would be to re-title himself "Lord of the Dance", and rename the Simon Fraser Student Society the "Molly Ringwald's Ass Appreciation Club"...

Deuterium Boy
Holy Breakfast Club, Hydrogen Guy! That's too much of a coincidence...

Hydrogen Guy
The Destabilizer must have been at SFU the entire time! Blast N!

He guns the motor, and Gaas's car screeches out of the parking lot.

Hydrogen Guy
The question is, DB, is where at SFU could the Destabilizer be?

Dr. Sige Gaas
He would have to put someplace where the device's effects could reach the widest possible area.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy, the water tower! It's the highest point on the mountain, and it's out of the way so no-one would notice...

Hydrogen Guy
Excellent, Deuterium Boy! To the water tower!

Simon Fraser University, the Water Tower. The Tower is located at one corner of the SFU campus, and is indeed the highest point on Burnaby Mountain, easily visible 30 km away in Maple Ridge. The Tower appears to be a concrete slab with a base ten meters on a side and about four stories high (shades of "2001", as it were). At the top of the tower are several radio relay dishes. The true purpose of the Tower, and whether it holds any water, are subjects shrouded in mystery for the average SFU resident.

Gaas's late-model German automobile careens around the corner of East Campus Road and skids to a halt in front of the Tower. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Dr. Sige Gaas climb out of the car.

Dr. Sige Gaas
We must get to the top of the tower!

Hydrogen Guy
Not even a challenge. Grab on to him, DB.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Wha --

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy each grab one of Gaas's arms, and with a mighty

L
   E
      A
         P
            !

they easily reach the top of the water tower.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Eek!

Hydrogen Guy
I'm telling you, DB, the Olympic high-jump in 2000. It's ours for the taking. Think of the endorsements!

Dr. Sige Gaas
The Hawking Destabilizer!

Recovering his wits, Gaas spots the device, which has been connected to several of the radio dishes. It is, as Clem described, about the size of a washing machine, and sprouts an impossible tangle of hoses, some of which conduct a rapidly flow glowing liquid. There is a row of blinking lights on one side, next to a hastily-wired in set of buttons and levers.

He rushes over to it, kneels down and examines it.

Deuterium Boy
How do we turn it off it?

Dr. Sige Gaas
Damn him! He's re-wired all the controls, I don't know what does what anymore.

Hydrogen Guy
I guess we'll use the direct approach, then.

He draws the Ruler of Elendil from its scabbard.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Wait, can't we just un-plug it?

Deuterium Boy
You can do that?

Gaas holds up a power cable plugged into a 220 V socket.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Well, what do you expect me to do, build a micro-fusion generator into it?

Hydrogen Guy
Well, un-plug it, then!

Gaas pulls the plug. The blinking lights stop blinking, the strange glowing fluid stops flowing. Gaas looks up at Hydrogen Guy with satisfaction, which quickly turns to horror.

Gaas
What are you doing?

Hydrogen Guy is still advancing with the Ruler of Elendil, which is now shining faintly blue.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm going to destroy that machine.

Dr. Sige Gaas
No! Do you realize how long this device took to develop?! The advances in relativistic political dynamics it entails?!

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, Sige. I empathize, really. But something like that is entirely too dangerous, especially in the hands of ICBC.

Dr. Sige Gaas
No! I won't let you!

He pulls a pistol from inside his lab coat and points it at Hydrogen Guy.

Dr. Sige Gaas
Stay back!

Hydrogen Guy
What are you going to do, shoot me? I'm a super-hero, I'm not afraid of bullets.

Gaas swings around and fires at Deuterium Boy.

Deuterium Boy
AAUUGHH!!

Deuterium Boy crumples to the ground.

Hydrogen Guy
DEUTERIUM BOY!

Deuterium Boy
[to Gaas] You bastard! You shot me in the leg!! That's my good leg! Errrrgg!!

Hydrogen Guy
How could you let him shoot you?!

Deuterium Boy
I wasn't paying attention!

Hydrogen Guy
You weren't paying attention?!

Deuterium Boy
I've never been up here before, I was looking at the view!

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy!

Deuterium Boy
He shot me!

Hydrogen Guy
I have minimal sympathy!

Dr. Sige Gaas
Hey! I've got a gun over here!

Hydrogen Guy
You shot my partner. Prepare to get your ass kicked.

They are both distracted by the Hawking Destabilizer, which has started beeping loudly. Then the lights blink back to life, and the fluids start flowing.

Hydrogen Guy
What the hell?

Dr. Sige Gaas
I don't believe it... he installed a micro-fusion generator... what a complete disregard for my workmanship!!

Suddenly, one of the nearby radio dishes explodes! Hydrogen Guy and Gaas dive behind the Destabilizer, and Hydrogen Guy pulls Deuterium Boy after him.

Opposition Man
HYDROGEN GUY!! Your interference will not be tolerated any further!

Hydrogen Guy stands up to face his enemy. Opposition Man is standing just beside an open hatch on the tower roof, aiming a large and exotic looking gun directly at him.

Deuterium Boy
What's he got?

Hydrogen Guy
Looks like a Canadian Arms & Warfare 660 Special EM Pulse cannon.

Dr. Sige Gaas
That's a nice little gun. I designed the capacitor overlay system as part of my graduate work.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm really wishing you'd taken that post-doc in Iowa.

Dr. Sige Gaas
You're wishing?

Deuterium Boy
My leg's wishing, here, buddy! Now shut up or I'll bleed on you.

Hydrogen Guy
Drop your weapon, Opposition Man! We have control of the Destabilizer! You can't shoot us without damaging it!

Opposition Man
The only remaining copy of the blue-prints are encoded in my computer-enhanced memory, Hydrogen Guy! Another can be built at any time, and only by -M-E-!

He fires another shot from the EM Pulse cannon, sending a bright green vortex hurtling towards Hydrogen Guy! This time, however, he deflects it with the Ruler using his atomic-speed reflexes!

Hydrogen Guy makes a dash for Opposition Man. He slams into the hulking blue behemoth, knocking him down and sending the cannon flying off the tower. Opposition Man grabs hold of him, and hoists Hydrogen Guy over his head with the intention of sending him after it!

Opposition Man
-R-A-W-G-!-!-

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy!

Deuterium Boy pulls himself up and grabs a Deuterium-O-Rang from his Useful Things Belt. He throws it, and it embeds itself deep into Opposition Man's overly-muscled left buttock.

Opposition Man
-O-W-W-!-!-

He drops Hydrogen Guy on the ground, whirls around, and grabs hold of a nearby radio dish. He tears the five-meter dish from its support like kid separating worn Lego blocks, and hurls it blindly in the direction of Deuterium Boy and Dr. Gaas!

It was at this moment that Dr. Sige Gaas, thinking that possibly he could reason with his homicidal ex-partner, stood up, just in time to see the enormous dish come flying at him. Deuterium Boy, although injured, still is fast enough to dodge, but he isn't fast enough to pull Gaas after him. The dish catches Gaas in the chest and takes him hurtling off the edge of the tower.

Deuterium Boy
GAAS! Damn. [shrugs] Oh well, served him right.

Hydrogen Guy, meanwhile, is engaged in some one-sided fencing with Opposition Man. Bear-baiting might be a more appropriate analogy, as Opposition Man grabs at Hydrogen Guy, keeping just out of the Ruler's reach, and drawing a bloody spiral on the ground from his wounded buttock as the opponents dance around each other.

Not being much good in his immobile state, Deuterium Boy turns his attention to the Hawking Destabilizer. As he fiddles, he hears a strange fwooshing sound. He looks up, and it would be an understatement to say he was startled by what he saw.

Deuterium Boy
HYDROGEN GUY!! LOOK OUT!!!

Thinking his partner is warning him about Opposition Man's oncoming attack, Hydrogen Guy ducks. Opposition Man roars and leaps. Hydrogen Guy thinks his opponent's roar sounded a bit - strangled? - maybe he's coming down with a cold. Sensing his opponent's shadow moving towards him, Hydrogen Guy jumps back in time to avoid being crushed by Opposition Man's lower half.

Which now seems to be missing its upper half.

Hydrogen Guy looks up, startled. Looming in front of him is something virtually indescribable, but he has a fairly good idea what it is: the Vector of Doom.

The... entity looks like a cubist painting come to shimmering, indistinct life. The most concrete thing one can say about it is constantly shifting in appearance, has a vaguely brown-like quality to it, and gives the distinct impression of being arrow-like. There is also a very distinct impression of huge, toothy jaws with scraps of flesh and blue fabric clinging to them.

The Vector starts moving towards him (or at least it seems to). Hydrogen Guy jumps to the left, nearly forgetting that he is a mere four feet from the edge. His dodge does little good, as the Vector seems to be still pointing at him, without actually having turned.

Hydrogen Guy
DEUTERIUM BOY!!

Deuterium Boy
On my way!

Deuterium Boy quickly ties off the bandage he has fashioned from his short cape, struggles to his feet and starts hobbling to where Hydrogen Guy is madly slashing at the oncoming Vector with the Ruler of Elendil. Hydrogen Guy's efforts are having little effect, however, because the Vector's mass turns out simply not to be there whichever part he attacks. Deuterium Boy draws his sabre.

A white circle appears nearby, and the red, reptilian figure of Gareth Prime steps out of it. He brandishes his flaming spear excitedly.

Gareth
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy! You have engaged the Vector of Doom!

Deuterium Boy
Yes, and it thinks Hydrogen Guy is Vector chow!

Gareth
Hydrogen Guy! You must lead the Vector towards me!

Hydrogen Guy
I'd be happy to, but it's not easily lead!

He leaps back from a sudden lunge by what appears to be the entity's business end. Gareth holds up his spear.

Gareth
We must bring the Vector parallel to Tobo, and then take a cross-product! This will reduce the Vector to zero!

Deuterium Boy
How do we do that?

Gareth
We must form a Link of Power between Tobo and the Ruler of Elendil! Then Hydrogen Guy must enchant the Vector with the Ruler!

Hydrogen Guy
The Ruler has no effect on it!

Gareth
Use not its physical powers! Hydrogen Guy, repeat my words: Nozp'klo pii imbr pe...

Hydrogen Guy
What?!

Gareth
No! You must repeat after me!

Deuterium Boy
Just do it phonetically!

Hydrogen Guy
My tongue doesn't make those sounds!

The Vector has now backed him against a radio dish. It looms dangerously, with what an observer might possibly describe as a ravenous look in its eye, had it eyes, or something resembling a look.

Hydrogen Guy
Er.. say that again?

Gareth
Nozp'klo pii imbr pe.

Hydrogen Guy
Nozp'klo pii imbr pe...

Gareth
Ourtuee rimra adfa dohr.

As they intone the ritualistic words to bind the Ruler and the Spear of Flaming Fire, the Vector backs away from Hydrogen Guy by a few feet. The Ruler of Elendil begins to glow a pale silver, and the fire on Gareth's spear changes from red to silver as well. As Gareth and Hydrogen Guy continue to recite, the Ruler and the Spear begin to flare and abate in rhythm.

Gareth
Ooyku pef teiu!

Hydrogen Guy
Ooyku pef teiu!

Gareth
They are now linked. Now, Hydrogen Guy, enchant!

Hydrogen Guy
Enchant. Sure. No problem.

He points the Ruler at the Vector, prompting to swipe some sort of appendage at it. Hydrogen Guy jumps back. Trying a different tactic, he slowly moves the Ruler side to side. The Vector does not react. Encouraged, Hydrogen Guy makes his movements more fluid, mimicking a snake charmer. The Vector's shifts in appearance begin to slow, and its apparent head begins to sway, following the Ruler.

Deuterium Boy
I think he's getting the hang of it.

Gareth
Good! Good! Now lead the Vector, Hydrogen Guy. Tobo is ready; bring the Vector into parallel with Tobo.

Gareth crouches and holds the Spear horizontally as if to throw it. Hydrogen Guy slowly moves towards Gareth, and the Vector follows.

Hydrogen Guy
[near-whisper] DB?

Deuterium Boy
Yes, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
[nw] I think we've got it. Go shut down the Destabilizer.

Deuterium Boy limps back to the Hawking Destabilizer as Hydrogen Guy continues leading the Vector towards Gareth, who has not moved a millimeter. Both the Ruler and the Spear are growing steadily brighter.

Gareth
Yes... Good Hydrogen Guy, a few juras more... a half-kota to the left, no more... yes! There! Now be very still.

The Vector is now staring straight down the Spear of Flaming Fire, which is Flaming very brightly indeed now. Gareth mutters a few incantations under his breath, his muscles tense to hurl the spear...

Deuterium Boy
There's the disengage for the power supply... Hydrogen Guy! I've got it!

He presses the button, and the Destabilizer once again shuts down. Just as the blinking lights die, a shudder passes through the Vector's form. With terrifying high-pitched shriek, it lunges for Gareth!

Gareth
GRAAAAAAHH!!!

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Half of Gareth's body has disappeared inside the Vector, which is shaking madly. Hydrogen Guy throws the Ruler of Elendil at it, which hurtles through the air end over end like a thrown battle-axe, and plunges into the Vector of Doom!

The Vector instantly erupts into a cocoon of silver light, which then explodes with a deafening boom. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are momentarily blinded by the accompanying flash.

When his eyes clear, Deuterium Boy finds that the Hawking Parliamentary Destabilizer has been reduced to a heap of slag in front of him. He looks up to see Hydrogen Guy rushing for the prostate Gareth, who is lying in a puddle next to the Ruler and the charred remains of Tobo, the Spear of Flaming Fire.

Deuterium Boy
Gareth! Is he all right?

Hydrogen Guy
I have no idea what his vitals should be... I can't even find his pulse.

Deuterium Boy
Here, let me try - you can't even find your own pulse. Eww, what is this, Vector drool?

Gareth
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy...

Hydrogen Guy
You're alive!

Gareth
Yes... although I will dream about the Vector's mouth for the rest of my days...

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy help him to his feet.

Hydrogen Guy
What happened there?

Gareth
I believe that your machine is what drew the Vector to this place from the city. Deuterium Boy's shutting it down angered the Vector and it attacked. Fortunately, the Ruler and Spear were well-linked, so that the cross-product could be completed by you from outside with the Ruler. Quick thinking, my friend, is what makes a Hunter great.

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, shucks.

Gareth bends down and picks up Ruler of Elendil and the remains of his Spear. The Spear's flame is extinguished, and the shaft is badly charred. He hands Hydrogen Guy the Ruler, which is unmarked except for being covered in Vector drool. Hydrogen Guy gingerly takes it with his thumb and forefinger, and carefully slides it back into its scabbard.

Hydrogen Guy
That's disgusting... Sorry about Tobo.

Gareth
It too was consumed by the cross-product.

He drops the charred stick.

Gareth
I will find another. Ktooga's will have a sale soon, I know.

Gareth stares ahead, taking in the view off the tower. Burnaby, Vancouver, and several other communities are spread out before them. In the far distance, a few of the higher towers of Maple Ridge can just be made out. The entire vista is bathed in a golden light by the sinking sun.

Gareth
I thank you for your help, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. It was a good hunt - as is any hunt where the Hunter is joined by friends, successful or not.

Hydrogen Guy smirks ruefully.

Hydrogen Guy
It was a good hunt, then. I'm sorry for being an asshole earlier, Gareth. Had I known the Vector would lead us right to the Destabilizer, it would have saved us a shot leg and one of the more frightening pickup rides of our lives.

Deuterium Boy
Although you must admit that attacking potential allies is a bit of a social faux-pas.

Gareth
Yes, I will admit this custom is in error. I too have that to ask forgiveness for. And for trespassing on your planet.

Hydrogen Guy
We won't mention it if you won't.

Gareth nods. He takes the portal device from his belt and activates it, opening another white circle nearby.

Gareth
I must return to my home, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. I thank you again, and pledge friendship for the future.

Hydrogen Guy
We thank you, too, and yeah, I think we can make the same pledge.

Gareth
My people have a custom on such pledges, involving the clasping of hands. Would such a practice offend you?

Hydrogen Guy
Aw, what the hell, your hands look clean! Put 'er there!

Gareth shakes hands with both of them, and then without a word, steps into the portal, which closes up after him. Hydrogen Guy sighs, and he and Deuterium Boy stare off at the sunset.

Hydrogen Guy
I hate sappy endings. Thank goodness for all the mangled corpses around here, or I'd be tempted to get sentimental.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah.

[pause]

Deuterium Boy
HG?

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, DB?

Deuterium Boy
I'm going to pass out from loss of blood soon, can we get to a hospital?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure thing, old buddy. Sure thing.

A few years later, in the Hydrogen Cave. Hydrogen Guy is sitting in the Cave's kitchen, writing cheerfully away in a "Hilroy" exercise book. A tin box filled with notes is open on the table in front of him. He is relaxing in an off-moment, with a mug of hot chocolate beside him and without his mask or hat, so that any uninitiated member of the public would recognize him as Jim Evans, world renowned theoretical physicist.

David Marcolin, resplendent in his plaid bathrobe, wanders into the kitchen, hair still wet from a recent shower. As he is preparing himself a heavy water mocha latté, he looks over to where his partner is writing.

Marcolin
What's up, HG?

Evans
Recording the "Vector of Doom" incident for posterity, DB.

Marcolin
Oh, you're writing it up?

Evans
Yes, I've been writing up some of our more interesting cases for a while now. I did the Trudeau case, I'll have to show it to you after...

He puts down his pen as Marcolin wanders over.

Evans
I've got something of a dilemma with this one, though.

Marcolin
Oh?

Evans
It's Gareth. See, his presence on Earth was in violation of Galactic regulations - no off-worlders on a developing world.

Marcolin
Right.

Evans
So if I tell the whole story, it could get him in a lot of trouble.

Marcolin
But he's from another dimension, wasn't he?

Evans
Was he? I'm not sure. Those portals of his, he could have been from anywhere. He might not have even known where his homeworld was with respect to Earth - I mean, we're not exactly a galactic hotbed here.

Marcolin
True.

Evans
So I decided the best thing is to leave him out of the record entirely. But that leaves the problem of, how do we explain the Vector of Doom and what happened to Opposition Man? I mean, the case still has some interesting features, so I'm eager to document it...

Marcolin
Yogic flyers.

Evans
Yogic flyers?

Marcolin
Sure.

Evans
You mean those guys who hop around in the lotus position trying to fly?

Marcolin
Sure! According to the Natural Law Party, yogic flying can solve everything.

Evans regards his notebook. He shrugs.

Evans
Yeah, all right. Yogic flyers...

He continues scribbling as Marcolin collects his latté and wanders off to get into costume. In a short while Evans starts grinning and chuckling to himself. He cannot resist embellishing.

Maybe, he thinks, I'll add a nice, big juicy part for Lloyd the waiter.