Episode 72.5

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part II

Last episode: In Calgary, Alberta, a new, young super-villain called the Carpenter Ant defeated the Bronze Blader. Meanwhile, Chuck War met with Lola Lakefront-Property after a failed stake-out for an alien weapon's dealer. The following day, Corey Scrauble and his brother Vince - the brawn and brains, respectively, behind the Carpenter Ant - arrive in Maple Ridge, looking for a career-making contest with Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. Meanwhile, Jim Evans and Kate Nereid meet Lola and her date for dinner - and Evans is shocked to discover the lucky guy is none other than Chuck War!

As Evans and War had predicted, it had been a slow night. Despite being a Friday, even the usual thugs and gangers seemed to be giving crime a miss and staying in to watch the playoffs.

At the Django Djava, Helium Girl was not sanguine.

Helium Girl
This bites.

Deuterium Boy looked up from his hot gourmet beverage. Carl, in his opinion, had outdone himself with his latest creation - a honey-ginger espresso (with heavy water, of course). Deuterium Boy was puzzled as to what fault Helium Girl could find with this slice of deeply caffeinated heaven, and said so. Helium Girl rolled her eyes in response.

Helium Girl
I mean, like, nothing's happening. I'm totally stuck here in like, Maple Ditch, when who knows what totally cool and exciting things are happening in Vancouver!

Deuterium Boy
Don't worry about it. It's probably just as slow there, and besides, would you rather be here, or helping Gen X Man and Rainbow Warrior chase their arch-enemy, the Toxic Gloop, through the East Van sewers?

Helium Girl
I'm not talking about those bozos. What I mean is, like, Dominic's loft-warming was tonight. Everyone's gonna be there!

Deuterium Boy
I'm not.

Helium Girl
Everyone cool, okay?

Deuterium Boy
Touchy, touchy... it's not that microwave pulse source time, is it?

She shot him a look of hot Helium death.

Helium Girl
I could so kick your ass, you know.

The Django Djava's proprietor Carl, tonight sporting a beaded poncho and wool skullcap, approached their table. He seemed somewhat flustered.

Carl
My friends...

Deuterium Boy
Carl! This espresso -- it's fantastic. Kudos.

Carl
How gratifying. But I haven't come to discuss coffee. A customer who just came in tells me there is a, ah, "gentleman" in some kind of armour outside who seems very anxious to speak with you. One of the ways I'm told he's expressing his wishes is by tossing touring sedans around the street.

Deuterium Boy hastily put down his cup, and even Helium Girl looked mildly interested.

Deuterium Boy
Holy Hercules, Newton and Toot! We'll put a stop to it, Carl.

He jumped to his feet. Carl laid a fatherly hand on his shoulder.

Carl
I urge you caution, Deuterium Boy. I had a premonition of great personal danger and property damage this morning. Be on your guard, my friend. And keep him very far away from my café.

Deuterium Boy
You can depend on us, Carl. Come on, Helium Girl.

Helium Girl
Finally, something to do...

Moments later, they ascended the stairs to the street. Usually humming with revellers on a Friday night, the street was deserted. An overturned Oldsmobile sat in the centre of the road. Another car had been thrown into a shop window across the street. Of the perpetrator himself, they saw no trace.

Helium Girl
Looks like he got bored and left. I totally don't blame him... Hey... DB, I'm feeling a helium source around her somewhere...

Deuterium Boy
What? Whe -- Look out!

They jumped back as a VW bug smashed onto the Oldsmobile in front of them, dropped from a nearby building. Manic laughter echoed from the building above them. The two heroes whirled around, to see a figure in red, insectoidal armour standing on the roof overhead. Around his middle was a metallic tool belt loaded down with what looked like futuristic carpentry tools. He stood with legs slightly apart, hands on his hips in a classic pose.

Carpenter Ant
No one will be getting bored tonight, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy! Not with me around! Prepare to face --

Dramatic Music!

Deuterium Boy
Hoo boy.

Helium Girl
Excuse me, hellooo? Do I look like Hydrogen Guy to you, bug-face?

The Carpenter Ant seemed taken aback. He pulled what looked like a walky-talky from his belt and held it up to his mouth. A second later, he shoved it back in his tool belt, then unholstered a pair of nail guns.

Carpenter Ant
Never mind, Helium Girl. You'll do just as well! Here, let me help you with your nails!

Pointing the nail guns like a mobster in an action movie, he squeezed the triggers, sending a twin stream of alien-alloy nails flying towards the two heroes. Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl took off in opposite directions, dodging the nails as they buried themselves in the pavement behind them.

The Carpenter Ant ceased fire and jumped off the four storey building. He landed feet first on the ground next to the ruined cars; Corey winced slightly at the impact. Okay, so these shocks can't absorb everything...

A blip on the visor's sonar caused him to duck, and a Deuterium-O-Rang glanced off his left shoulder. His antenna-sensors twitched, and he quickly picked up where it had come from - Deuterium Boy was hiding in the doorway of the bank building. He shoved one of the nail guns back in the belt, and pulled out what appeared to be a circular saw blade. Applying a little pressure to its centre to activate it, he hurled the blade in the direction of the bank.

Deuterium Boy yelped as the self-propelled saw blade sank into the stone wall next to him and buzzed through the other side. He felt it whiz past him, uncomfortably close, as he scrambled out of the entryway.

The Carpenter Ant laughed as Deuterium Boy dodged the animated saw blade. They were moving too fast to get a good shot, but he started firing the nail gun in Deuterium Boy's general direction anyway.

A red particle beam blasted the saw blade out of the air. Helium Girl! His antennae scanned the area, but she was nowhere in sight... and when he turned his attention back to Deuterium Boy, he was gone as well. Unfortunately, the exo-skeleton's sonar was no good for picking them up in gaseous form, and its chemical sensors wouldn't pick them up until it was too --

His head snapped back as the point of Helium Girl's go-go boot connected with his helmet. It would have broken his neck if he wasn't wearing the exo. Still, he'd probably feel that in the morning. He tried to raise the nail gun, but a second kick nearly knocked it out of his grip, then he was blinded by a blast of alpha particles to his visor. He lashed out wildly, managed to grab her by the foot. Helium Girl yipped, then dissolved into gas again, leaving his clutching air.

He pulled an over-sized hammer from his belt with his left hand, and adjusted the grip of the nail gun in right. C'mon, chicky, try that again...

The sonar chirped again, and he whirled around in time to catch the explosive Deuterium-O-Rang in the chest. The blast almost knocked him off his feet - but not quite. When his vision cleared, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl were standing about fifteen meters in front of him.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, do you want to tell us what this is all about?

The Carpenter Ant raised the nail gun menacingly.

Carpenter Ant
I'm doing some renovations here in Maple Ridge. Or you might say, pest-control!

He opened fire. Deuterium Boy was ready, and it was the work of a microsecond to raise a metallic deuterium shield. When the Carpenter Ant stopped firing, the shield resembled a pin cushion. Deuterium Boy dissolved the shield, and the nails clattered to the ground.

Deuterium Boy
See, now, this just isn't productive. Why don't you --

Helium Girl
DEUTERIUM BOY! RUN!

The Carpenter Ant laughed as the nail gun tore up the pavement where Deuterium Boy had been standing a split second before. Fast as their super-atomic speed was, he could still track them on the sonar as long as they stayed solid. And with the exo-skeleton he was almost as fast.

Productive? Maybe not for them.

But Corey Scrauble was having the time of his life.

Jim Evans could not be said to be having the time of his life, exactly, but he was beginning to relax. He could, he found, have a conversation with both Chuck War and Lola Lakefront-Property that did not revolve around super-villains, aliens or energy weapons. And much to his surprise, he even found it possible to think of them as "a couple".

Chuck War
... So we were standing there looking at this "wild snow goose" of his, when we hear all this commotion out front. Mike grabbed his goose and took off into the bush, and I went around to see what it was... And it was the lady from the farm next to Mike's family's, raisin' holy heck because someone had shot one of her geese.

Lola
[laughs] Oh my god!

Kate
Your friend shot the neighbour's goose?

Chuck War
Yeah. I honestly don't think he meant to, he just wasn't that smart. He didn't realise that when he'd gone that far down the river, he wasn't on his farm anymore.

Lola
Did the neighbour lady ever find out?

Chuck War
Oh, heck, yeah. You don't just make a "wild snow goose" disappear. Poor Mike, after his Pap found out he was blue for two weeks.

Kate
Oh my goodness... [laughing]

Evans
So that was your first foray into the customs biz, catching underage poachers?

Chuck War
Hey, I never ratted! Mike promised me the wishbone!

The others laughed .

Lola
Oh... I can see why you left Windsor...

Chuck War
Yeah, I grew up with some real characters... it was worse when they got old enough to drink.

Lola
Hey! Let's go look at the lobster tank!

Evans shuddered.

Chuck War
Uh...

Lola
Oh, come on, these ones are fine. Let's go!

She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him out of his seat. Kate smiled after them.

Evans
Little does she know...

Kate
You and your lobsters. I don't think she really cares about lobsters, I think she just wanted to pull him a away for a few minutes. Hey, it's going really well, don't you think? Look at them...

The lobster tank was on the other side of the restaurant, near the kitchen. Lola was leaning over, peering in at them in apparent fascination. She was standing very close beside Chuck, and she still had hold of his hand. Chuck was only glancing at the lobsters, focusing most of his attention on her.

Kate
They're cute together.

Evans
You sound like a mother hen.

Kate
Everyone needs a mother hen once in a while. I'll be Lola's, I hope you don't mind being Chuck's.

Evans
[smiles] Heh. Like he needs one. Don't worry, I have no objections. Actually, I have a confession to make. Chuck and I actually know each other pretty well.

Kate dropped a piece of lemon-vinaigretted lettuce.

Kate
What?

Evans
We, ah, belong to the same club.

Kate
Oh. This infamous club of yours... Wait a minute, did you set them up?

Evans
[laughs] No! No, I swear, I was gobsmacked to see Chuck sitting here in his civvies. Chuck seemed to want to pretend we didn't know each other, so I played along. We were razzing each other when you two took off for the bathroom.

Kate sighed in mock frustration.

Kate
Honestly, little boys and their little secrets... So, what about him, then? Is he good people? Is he an appropriate companion for our Lola?

Evans
My sweet Kate, now that the possibility has been presented to me, I can't think of anyone who would be a more appropriate companion.

And, he thought to himself, if Lola's spoken for, perhaps we can dispense with some of this troublesome internal monologue...

Evans
Chuck's one of the most decent, dependable guys I know. He puts his friends and colleagues first, I don't think there's anything he wouldn't do for them. He'll take care of her.

Kate raised a shapely eyebrow.

Kate
Wow, it sounds like you do know him pretty well. What do you guys do in this club of yours, go on covert military missions or something?

Jim had a perfectly witty and disarming comment at the tip of his tongue, when an insistent buzzing in his pocket demanded his attention.

Evans
Shoot, hang on a sec, my cel's buzzing. Mind if I take it?

Kate
Sure, do it here, I don't think anyone minds. Chuck and Lola seem pretty wrapped up in the water bugs. Hey, listen, you are not running off for some emergency at the lab tonight, got it?

Evans
Okay, okay...

He flipped open the phone and held it to his ear.

Evans
Hello, Jim Evans speaking.

Deuterium Boy
HG! We have a situation down town, we need back-up!

Deuterium Boy was crouched behind an SUV, a few blocks from the Django Djava. Helium Girl was elsewhere, providing a diversion.

Evans
Dave? What's going on?

Deuterium Boy
The Carpenter Ant's tearing up downtown. He's after us specifically.

Evans
You're talking about the guy from Calgary?

Deuterium Boy
The one who thrashed the Bronze Blader, yeah! HG, this guy's got an exo-skeleton that gives him some serious powers. I've seen him walk straight up a wall. He's almost as fast as us, and his strength -- jeez, I think he's stronger than Camus. And he's got these weapons, nails and saws. The damned things can actually punch through my deuterium shield, I think they're made of ultra-alloy Tonjan steel or something...

Evans
Great... just great... And it's us he wants?

Deuterium Boy
Well, conversation's been pretty limited, but that's the general drift I'm getting.

There was an explosion somewhere behind him, followed by a stream of un-ladylike invective from Helium Girl. The Carpenter Ant laughed, and then Deuterium Boy heard the nail gun again.

Deuterium Boy
Jeez, doesn't that thing ever run out of nails? HG, I know you're on a date and everything, but I tried Chuck already and he's got his damned phone off. He never does that unless he's off-planet --

Evans
He's not off -- out of the country. Trust me, though, he's not available.

Kate
What? What is it? Jim, you're not going anywhere, got it? You promised.

Deuterium Boy
What do you mean? How do you know? If you knew this tonight, I wish you'd have told me before you took off --

Evans
I just found out. I'll give you the details later, trust me, they're very very good...

Deuterium Boy
Whatever. HG, you better get down here. We can keep one step ahead of him, but we don't have anything heavy enough to take him down, we need the Ruler of Elendil.

Evans
Hang on...

Kate
Let me guess, an emergency at the lab?

Evans
Uh... yeah. This guy from Calgary just flew in, and Dave needs a key to one of the labs.

Kate
What? Jim, it's nine-thirty at night. This guy seriously doesn't want to start working right after getting right off a plane, does he?

Evans
Well, uh... you know, scientists are pretty dedicated, and --

Kate
You are not taking off just for some workaholic physicist. The guy'll probably be glad to actually have a night's rest.

Evans
Kate, honest, it's extremely --

Kate
JIM, NO. Our friends need us.

There was no trace of her usual relaxed bantering. She held Jim in her gaze. He could tell she was just this far from getting really angry.

Damn, thought Evans. I hate these decisions.

Evans
Sorry, Dave. You're on your own.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy!

Evans
You don't need me! You've done fine on your own before, for four months when I was in Ottawa.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, but the worst we faced then was a fat clown with a plasma rife!

Evans
I'm sorry, I'll explain it all when I see you. Look, if you really need back-up, I can make a phone call.

Deuterium Boy
All right, all right, just make it a good one. You owe me another lunch, assuming I survive this.

Evans
If you don't, I'll be really pissed at you.

Deuterium Boy
Ha ha. DB out.

He hung up. Evans lowered the phone and looked over at Kate, whose hard looks had softened slightly.

Evans
Sorry.

Kate
I'm sorry too. Look, these two'll probably want to get rid of us right after we finish eating, so you can run off to your lab then. I'll be okay.

Evans
No, I'll stay with you...

Kate
I could come.

Evans
You wouldn't like it.

Kate
How do you know?

Evans
I'm pretty sure.

Kate
You shouldn't make these assumptions about me. Try it out, I might surprise you.

He paused. What exactly did that mean?

Evans
Uh... maybe another time. Tonight, it wouldn't be safe.

A look of confusion crossed Kate's face.

Kate
What do you mean, it wouldn't --

He picked the phone up again and rose from the table.

Evans
I need to go make another call, I'll be right back. Honest. Love you.

Kate
... love you too...

Lola was leading Chuck back to the table. Jim brushed past them as he left.

Lola
Hey, where you going?

Evans
Just need to make a quick call...

He made eye-contact with Chuck.

Evans
... my Ant's in town.

The Carpenter Ant scanned his antennae over the street. The sonar was picking up nothing... either they'd gone gaseous again, or they'd found something solid to hide behind...

Carpenter Ant
Come on out, heroes! You're not proving anything here but how good you are at running and hiding! ... You want me to keep tearing up your city?

He whirled around and sprayed a nearby shop window with the nail gun. The glass shattered instantly, then the nails ripped apart the store's display and the facade around it. There's a few thou in damage. Everyone around here better have insurance...

Carpenter Ant
Come on! Let's finish this, Deuterium Boy!

Still no response. The street was unnaturally quiet... city dwellers in Maple Ridge had a certain sixth sense about avoiding superhero battles. Corey reached down and flicked on the walky-talky.

Carpenter Ant
Vince? You still around?

His brother's voice crackled over the small speaker.

Vince
Yeah, Cor, I'm still following you.

Carpenter Ant
Vince, I think I lost 'em.

Vince
You're doing fine, bud. They won't go far, just keep giving them reasons to come after you.

Carpenter Ant
I hear you...

Looking around, he spotted a fire hydrant. Striding over to it, he easily tore it free of the ground. A column of water exploded into the air, nearly knocking him off his feet.

Vince
Jeez, Corey, watch it! Use your head!

The Carpenter Ant shook the water from his visor. Still holding the hydrant, he jogged towards a building across the street. He didn't stop at the wall but leapt several feat in the air and planted both feet on the wall. The marble facing cracked, but Corey didn't fall. He continued to run vertically up the side of the building, as easily as he ran horizontally down the street. He stopped at about the third story, straddling a window. The curtains were closed, but there was a light on inside. Grinning maliciously, he threw the fire hydrant through the window. There was a scream and a crash inside.

Carpenter Ant
Oops! Sorry, lady, I must've slipped!

His laughter was cut short as a bright red beam hit him dead centre of the chest. He plummeted off the building and crashed to the sidewalk below.

Another beam shrieked past his head as he pulled himself out of the Ant-shaped crater. Helium Girl was floating several meters away, her arms out-stretched and ready to fire another shot.

Helium Girl
Buddy, not only are you, like, a total jerkface, but you have, like, no respect for anyone else's property!

The Carpenter Ant just scowled and raised the nailed gun. He let off another burst of nails; Helium Girl zipped out of the way, still floating in mid-air, and let fly another blast of alpha particles.

They each stood their ground, dodging and returning each other's fire. Corey finally noticed the nail gun was starting to run low. Luckily, the other clip was already loaded...

Carpenter Ant
You like those death rays so much, Helium Girl? Whatever you want, baby.

He swung the nail clip out of the chamber and slid a different clip into place at the same time. This time when he pulled the trigger, the gun shot small darts of yellow plasma. Helium Girl yelped as one burned past her left leg.

Helium Girl
All right, I'm sorry, who the hell builds a nail gun that shoots plasma?

Carpenter Ant
[shrugs] Dunno. I guess it's a custom job for somebody. Hey, why don't you drop the Deuterium Nerd and hook up with me? I'll show you the rest of my tools...

Helium Girl
[rolling her eyes] Get bent, bug-face!

He ducked as she aimed a two-handed blast at his head. He winced as it took off the tip of his right antenna, sending painful feedback through his helmet.

Carpenter Ant
AAUGH! You little -- !

He opened fire again. Helium Girl dissolved into gas. Corey swore, and spinning around, "tasting" the air around him with the remaining antenna's chemical sensor. When it detected a whiff of helium, he was ready. Helium Girl suddenly materialised directly beside him, grabbed the nail gun, and blasted it with an alpha beam. The Ant tossed aside the useless gun, and before she could dissolve again, grabbed her by the waist and hurled her against the building.

Helium Girl hit the wall, hard. She crashed to the ground with an involuntary whimper. The Carpenter Ant loomed over her, drawing his second nail gun.

Carpenter Ant
Bitch, you've been far more trouble than you're worth. I'm here after the big boys, not their little piece of Elemental tail...

Helium Girl looked up, her vision still swimming, as he levelled the gun at her chest. Suddenly, there was a tremendous CRASH as an orange, yellow and green super-atomic flash body-checked him from the side. The Carpenter Ant smashed into the ground and skid a short distance down the sidewalk. Deuterium Boy appeared beside her, gathered her in his arms, and then the two of them dissolved in a cloud of gas.

They reappeared some distance away, behind the SUV Deuterium Boy had ducked behind previously. Helium Girl propped herself up against the side of the van and winced.

Deuterium Boy
Are you all right?

Helium Girl
No! I think that asshole, like, broke a rib or something! Remind me again why I don't wear, like, protective armour?

Deuterium Boy
You're too petite for the sizes in the catalogue?

Helium Girl
Ooh, good answer... So is Hydrogen Guy coming, or what?

Deuterium Boy
No, dammit.

Helium Girl
What?!

Deuterium Boy imitated the sound of a whip cracking. Helium Girl rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh, immediately wishing that she hadn't.

Helium Girl
Gawd, MEN! So what are we gonna do? I don't know about you, but like, with all this turning into gas and, like, shooting particle beams, I'm just about totally wiped. I'm gonna have trouble floating, even... oh, I am totally gonna have to carb up after this!

Deuterium Boy
HG said he was going to call someone. I don't think we can wait, though, we have to take this idiot down now.

Helium Girl
Shyah, totally.

Deuterium Boy
What about that helium source you thought you felt from him before? Did you get close enough to confirm it? Is it anything you can do something with?

Helium Girl
Oh, yah! The exo's, like, main computer bus is a niobium-titanium superconductor! It's, like, totally cooled with liquid helium-4. The reservoir's getting pretty low, too, he's probably so dumb he hasn't even, like, refilled it since he stole that thing.

Deuterium Boy
Fantastic. I'll provide the distraction this time, you --

He was cut off as the SUV suddenly rose into the air behind them. The Carpenter Ant stood behind them holding the van over his head, and glaring down at them.

Helium Girl
DB, hurry, like, distract!

Deuterium Boy
Uh...

Carpenter Ant
Now you've done it, heroes. You've made me mad.

He tensed his arms, ready to smash the SUV down on them. Suddenly, a red light appeared on his visor display. He paused for a second... characters appeared underneath the light, but they weren't being translated for some reason. Well, whatever it was, he'd get Vince to look it over when he got back to the hotel --

He felt pressure building near his chest, then with no other warning, a hose ripped loose and super-heated helium gas started whistling out of the exo-skeleton's central processor. The readings on the visor went crazy, then as suddenly as it had all started, the display went dead.

Corey tried to throw the SUV, but the exo-skeleton's arms wouldn't move. He was jammed in position, a ton of yuppie status symbol balanced on his hands.

Carpenter Ant
What the --

Deuterium Boy
That's what happens when you get mad, Ant-Boy. You get hotted up and bust a pipe... Well done, Helium Girl.

Helium Girl
Like, thanks.

He looked smugly up at the petrified Carpenter Ant.

Helium Girl
Sorry for all the trouble. Bitch.

Corey started to curse, but was cut short by a burst a Cherenkov radiation.

Helium Girl
Ohmygod, DB, it's a --

Deuterium Boy
TRAIN!!!

He grabbed the injured Helium Girl and sprinted out of the way at top super-atomic speed. A split second later --

The engine of a WestCoast commuter train, riding on rails of spectral energy, slammed into the Carpenter and the SUV, sending them flying. The SUV toppled over and rolled across the street, coming to rest upside down on the opposite sidewalk. The Carpenter Ant was thrown much farther, flying almost half a block down the street and landing with a crunch. There was another burst of light, and the train disappeared into thin air like it was going into a tunnel.

Helium Girl, resting in Deuterium Boy's arms a safe distance away, pointed excitedly.

Helium Girl
DB, look! It's, like --

Heroic Music!

He was dressed in a smart blue train conductor's uniform, with shining brass buttons, a cap bearing the League of Heroes coat of arms, and a flowing white cape. In his hand, attached to his coat by a gold chain, was the Timepiece of Shi Djool, the mystic pocket watch he used to summon the spectral inter-dimensional trains. Deuterium Boy saw his reflection grinning back at him in the SuperConductor's silvered eyes.

Deuterium Boy
SuperConductor! Perfect timing.

The new arrival, the League of Heroes' (local 441) union steward, smiled back him underneath his short moustache. He snapped shut the Timepiece and slipped it into his waist pocket.

SuperConductor
My trains are always on time, Deuterium Boy!

He gazed down the street to the prostrate red form. The Ant's exo-skeleton seemed to be smoking slightly.

SuperConductor
So... there's the knave who trod upon our Brother Hero from local 308, the Bronze Blader, eh? And did a number on Helium Girl, too, I see?

Helium Girl
DB, you can put me down now.

Deuterium Boy
Right, sorry.

He lowered her to her feet. She poked her ribs softly, and grimaced.

Helium Girl
Ow! Yeah, he was, like, a little rough.

SuperConductor
That's no way to treat a lady... I got a call from Hydrogen Guy that you were in need. Sorry for the delay, but Gen X Man, the Rainbow Warrior and I were about to teach the Toxic Gloop the meaning of Solidarity Forever! Nevertheless, I'm always glad to Lend a Hand.

Deuterium Boy
I appreciate it. I was wondering how we were going to get him out from under that SUV...

SuperConductor grimaced.

SuperConductor
Yes... we'll have to pay for that out of the League's reparations fund. Too bad, we're a little tight this month already...

Helium Girl
Oh, hey! I just realised, you know what's, like, really funny? Like, I jammed up bug-face by gassing the coolant for his superconductors, and then our back-up gets here and it's like, SuperConductor! Isn't that, like, totally hilarious?

SuperConductor
Er... yes. Yes, I guess it is.

The sound of sirens grew louder, and the first flashing lights appeared around the corner. The MRPD and Fire Department were arriving on the scene.

Deuterium Boy
Funny, she hasn't even had the morphine yet.

Vince Scrauble watched from the shadows in growing fury. Those God damned tights... that was his brother! He watched as they stood talking, nonchalantly, like nothing had happened.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This was supposed to be the night Corey hit the Big Time. He and Corey should have been the victors here. This should have been Corey's night. His night.

He slowly edged his way towards the edge of the alley, then darted out from the shadows and ducked behind the flattened SUV. From here he had a clear view of the heroes. A clear shot...

He reached in his pocket and pulled out the alien ray gun, the one the guy had threatened them with back in Calgary when they took the Carpenter Ant stuff. He looked at it for the thousandth time... one end still looked exactly like the other. The trigger was a circular red button on the top of the gun.

Damn. You can't win if you don't gamble, right? Right.

He took the gun in his hand and pointed one end towards the heroes. He drew a bead on the girl, the one who'd had the most to do with messing his brother up. Vince was a good shot, he always hit the bullseye at the practice range back home. At this distance, he couldn't miss.

He raised the gun to his eye and took aim. He willed himself to steady his shaking hand. This's for you, Cor. He pressed the trigger button.

Turned out he'd guessed wrong.

A bit past midnight, at Lola Lakefront-Property's apartment. The only light came from the kitchen, where Lola was serving instant coffee. She stood on one side of the centre island, and Chuck War stood on the other side.

Lola
Sorry all I can offer is instant. Believe it or not, I don't drink a lot of coffee.

Chuck War
No worries. It's nice to know not everyone's as caffeine dependant as theoretical physicists.

Lola
Or superheroes, for that matter.

Chuck smiled.

Chuck War
Yeah. I guess they have that in common. Some of them, anyway.

They sipped in silence for a moment.

Lola
You have a good time tonight?

Chuck War
You bet. I had a great time. You?

Lola
Of course... You didn't mind having Kate and Jim along for dinner?

Chuck War
Nah... I should have told you I knew Jim from the gaming club, but, well...

Lola
... you didn't want me to know you belonged to a gaming club?

Chuck War
Well, you have to admit, it's kind of dorky.

Lola
No kidding. I mean, come on, web serials, role playing games... if it weren't for the cool car you drive, I wouldn't bother hanging out with you.

Chuck laughed.

Lola
Hey, I'll have you know I was the only girl member of the D&D club in high school.

Chuck War
Yeah, in high school!

Lola
Well, I still have all my character sheets! I'm proud of my geek girl roots... Play your cards right, I might introduce you to Shazzara the Elven Magic User one day.

Chuck War
My ranger will be looking forward to it.

She toyed with her coffee spoon.

Lola
Can I ask you something?

Chuck War
Sure.

Lola
About Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy...

Chuck War
You wanna talk about them now?

Lola
Do you know who they are?

Chuck paused. He wasn't sure he liked where this was going... He set his half-empty cup on the island.

Chuck War
Are you asking me as a reporter?

Lola
No. I'm asking as someone in your life.

Chuck War
The woman in my life, huh?

Lola
Maybe...

He leaned forward and kissed her. After perhaps a couple minutes, Lola drew back.

Lola
So? Do you?

Chuck couldn't help chuckling.

Chuck War
My delaying tactics aren't working, huh? ... Why do you ask that now? Do you think I'd tell you, if I did?

Lola
No, I know you wouldn't... I'm just worried, I guess... It's nothing. Forget I brought it up.

Chuck War
Worried? About what? ... Or who?

Lola
Nothing. Forget it...

She looked away, over his shoulder. Her eyes rested on the Globe and Mail on the kitchen table, still turned to the Carpenter Ant story she'd been poring over at breakfast.

Lola
You should go.

Chuck War
Why?

She looked back at him and smiled.

Lola
Because, you big doof, I want to call Kate and talk about you.

Chuck War
What makes you think Jim's not still with her?

Lola
Because they don't have that kind of relationship yet. And neither do we.

Chuck War
We could.

She gave his shoulder a playful shove, and left her hand there.

Lola
Go on. Call me tomorrow, okay?

Chuck War
Sure... Good night.

Lola
Good night.

She walked him to the door and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek just before he left. As Chuck walked slowly to the elevator, he thought about what he should do next. He should call Hydrogen Guy. He, too, had noticed the paper open on the table. Lola's comments, her apparent concerns, had seeded some possibly troubling ideas in his head...

But he wouldn't call HG, or anyone else, tonight. He had other ideas in his head, also planted there by Lola, that he wanted to spend some time with.

He thought he'd get the truck, drive down to the river, and have a look at the moon.

Corey Scrauble groggily pushed himself up on the bench in his cell as the outer door opened. He had no idea what time it was, everything had been pretty blurry the last few hours... He vaguely remembered being pulled out of the remains of the exo-skeleton, and being tended by a doctor. He had no memory of being put into this super-power containment cell. Vince, where was Vince? Did the cops get him too, or was he out there somewhere planning a break? Or getting a lawyer, for that matter?

The guard, a tough-looking East Indian, walked into the room on the other side of the bars.

"Scrauble. Visitors."

A man and a woman walked in behind him. Both wore conservative business dress. The woman was pretty, in an average kind of way. Despite her red hair, she looked vaguely Hispanic. The man had a sanctimonious look on his face. Actually, he looked kind of familiar... wait, wasn't he that guy, the one on that really awful soap his mother used to watch when they were kids? It couldn't be...

Corey looked questioningly at the guard. He just shrugged and told the two to knock when they wanted out, then left the room, locking the door behind him.

The man was the first to speak. "Mr. Screwable?"

"It's Scrauble."

"Pardon me, Mr. Scrauble." The man stood with his hands folded in front of him, smiling slightly in an incredibly infuriating way. "Mr. Scrauble, I was wondering if you knew that you are being charged under Galactic Treaty T-655, code ST-631, section 15, with sixteen counts of acquiring advanced technology forbidden on a developing world, plus eight counts of using said technology for purposes other than those for which they are intended in a fashion which may cause property damage and/or bodily harm to sentients, the latter eight counts under code ST-492, section 118, header 6B, of the previously mentioned treaty?"

Corey blinked heavily. "Sixteen counts of... what?"

"Sixteen at least. We may add some more after having a good look at your equipment."

Corey stared at them in bewilderment. "Huh? Who... who are you? Are you cops or something?"

The man kept the same maddening grin. "I think we would be 'or something', Mr. Scooble."

The woman cleared her throat. "Scrauble, Roger," she said quietly.

"Scrauble, whatever. You might say...," he said, stepping closer to the bars, "that we're Customs agents."

Corey was starting to get a little scared. "Canada Customs?"

"Ah... no. Tell me, Mr. Skurple... do you know what a ffinch-ffirnian looks like?"

[fade to black; roll credits]