Episode 76

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

A languid summer day on the Mediterranean island of Baratria, just across the Bay of Toads from Santa Maria del Mare, capital of the microscopic Kingdom of Torrado. The balcony of Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking's island villa provides an excellent view of the bay and the city, and the rocky cliff the house sits upon. We find the Crustacean, aquatic criminal mastermind extraordinaire, sunning himself in an ovoid tank in a spot conducive to the best possible view - because although most lobsters are practically blind, the Crustacean's eyesight is equal to that of the humans he plans to supplant as rulers of the planet.

Stretched out on deck chairs nearby are the Crustacean's henchman, Big Joe Switchboard - sporting not-quite-designer sunglasses, tropical print shorts and shirt, and a zinc-coated nose - and the furry expression of the Crustacean's id, the panda Pu Wing Fu - also wearing sunglasses, and occasionally snacking out of what appears to be a jar of live jellyfish.

Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking steps onto the balcony through a pair of French doors. He is dressed in a cotton suit in need of pressing. He regards the loungers for several minutes, then clears his throat. The Crustacean swivels an eyestalk towards him.

Crustacean
Mm. Hawking. I do not require anything from you now. You can go.

Hawking
I'm not here to ask if you need a refill, Crustacean. I want --

Switchboard
I'm good, too, Doc. Too many of those fruity drinks, I get wobbly, you know?

Pu Wing Fu
I'll have a harpoon gun if you're going by the armoury.

Switchboard
You're not allowed another harpoon gun, remember? We got complaints from the neighbours.

Pu Wing Fu
That's no fair! I never even hit that lady!

Crustacean
She'll complain until you give her another weapon. Hawking, fetch her a paring knife and instruct the servants to don their protective gear.

Hawking
I am NOT the butler! Crustacean, I have a something important to discuss!

Crustacean
Fine, fine. Get on with it.

Hawking
Crustacean, you were brought here for your restoration, and to allow you time to prepare for the campaign ahead of you. It has been almost two months since Marlowe restored you, and I have seen little evidence of any active super-villainy.

Switchboard
Hey! That's not true, what about that caper we pulled last week? That went off without a hitch!

Hawking
Renting a stack of videos using a forged card, taping them, and then returning them un-rewound five days late does not count as "super-villainy"!

Pu Wing Fu
But we called the video store twice to gloat!

Switchboard
Come on, Doc, the Crustacean's been through a lot! Y'don't just jump right back into things after a ride like that.

Hawking turned back to their ring-leader.

Hawking
All you and your associates have been doing, Crustacean, is laying about and treating my villa as your personal resort. Whenever I inquire about your progress, you simply tell me that "wheels are in motion" and then refuse to elaborate. Frankly, I see no sign that you intend to resume your drive to world domination or destroying Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy.

Crustacean
[chuckles] Ah, my dear Hawking. I'm not surprised that a soft fleshy mammal with limited capabilities, such as yourself, fails to recognise the signs of a mastermind at work. The plans I am evolving are subtle and intricate; they are multi-faceted and --

Hawking
Yes, yes, yes. So you say. What are these plans of yours, then? What have you done about getting them accomplished? And if you say "wheels are in motion", I'll dump you off this balcony!

Crustacean
I do not like your tone, Hawking. Correct it.

Hawking tenses as he feels the Crustacean pouring into his mind. Prior to the Crustacean's death, his telepathic powers had only worked on the weak-minded, and waxed and waned with the cycles of the moon. Now they are effective at all times and against anyone on Earth except, possibly, those with special training. Or who had some other edge.

The Crustacean's attack feels like the mental equivalent of stepping into an icy river up to the knees wearing an insulated wet-suit. You feel the water rushing around you, and some of the cold, but it does not sweep you away or freeze you completely.

The ICBC official who had met Hawking in Canada, Hans-Raoul Galerkin, had travelled to the villa the day the Crustacean was due to emerge from the restoration chamber. ICBC had supported the operation through Galerkin, and Galerkin was to offer the Crustacean a kind of celebrity spokes-lobster position within ICBC, which he had subsequently accepted. Shortly before the Crustacean was due to emerge, Galerkin had taken Hawking aside and asked him to be -- well, essentially he was to be the Crustacean's ICBC keeper, while supplying his mad scientist needs. Galerkin gave Hawking a pendant of some strange metal hanging on a chain - he said it was something from his country of origin (which he didn't specify), and that when in contact with his skin would protect Galerkin from any psychic attacks or tampering that the Crustacean would try. Hawking was, of course, sceptical, but whatever the thing was and however it was supposed to work, it did work. He noticed almost immediately when he felt the Crustacean trying to "tweak" his mind into giving up his bedroom for an aquarium room. The Crustacean had kept trying all through his stay, but so far to no effect.

The Crustacean drops his unsuccessful attack on Hawking and glares at him. Hawking smiles politely.

Hawking
Yes, well. Perhaps I was a bit harsh. However, I suggest you marshal whatever plans you have come up with and prepare to act on them. All of us will be vacating the villa at the end of the week.

Crustacean
Treacherous human!

Pu Wing Fu
Aww...

Switchboard
What?! How come?

Hawking
I rent it out during the summer - it's a financial necessity, I'm afraid, the estate is expensive to keep up. The tenants will be arriving July 1st, and the staff will need time to put everything in order, especially after Pu Wing Fu's visit.

Crustacean
Hmf. Very well, worm, we will move. As much as it may surprise you, I do have a plan, a diabolical plan for the destruction of Hydrogen Guy and his infernal cohorts. We will leave for Canada at the earliest opportunity.

Hawking
That will be fine. I'll make preparations... What is this plan of yours, if I may ask? Will it require my services?

Crustacean
Oh, most certainly. I hope you studied Marlowe's techniques in detail, because, my dear Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking, I have plans for an unstoppable creature that will destroy Hydrogen Guy!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Hawking
Ah. Of course.

Turning, he retreats through the French doors.

Several days later, an unmarked ICBC van pulled up in front of a Burnaby, British Columbia, apartment building. It's an older building, not the most upscale around. It has the look of flats built in the 1920's, aging less than gracefully ninety years later.

Crustacean
Big Joe, is this the place?

Switchboard
Yeah. The 'quipment's already moved in. We're number 4A. Four bedrooms, one bath, balcony perfect for launching missile attacks. Agent said it even got a breakfast nook.

Hawking
It's rather...

Pu Wing Fu
Look! Winos!

Switchboard
Ah, it's all right. You said make it someplace inconspicuous, right?

Crustacean
The particulars are irrelevant. All we need is a temporary base of operations until the Under-Sea Lair is complete.

Pu Wing Fu
When's that gonna be?

Crustacean
I will bring it up with Galerkin this afternoon. Joe --

Switchboard
Yeah?

Crustacean
Bring the baggage. We will take possession.

Big Joe puts the van in park and shuts off the engine, and they get out of the car. Pu Wing Fu immediately bounds off after the winos, who shamble away in alarm.

The Crustacean is riding in his new specially built "bubble bot" - a humanoid robot frame topped by closed glass sphere filled with water. The robot's "control mechanisms" are actually a group of squirrel brains linked in parallel - the Crustacean uses his telepathic control to move the body around. The system was designed by Dr. Hawking, using spin-off technology from ICBC's Battle Cyborg Bob project, and works remarkably well, despite the fact that during lapses of the Crustacean's attention the robot occasionally goes foraging for nuts.

Hawking and Big Joe eventually collar Pu Wing Fu, and the procession heads into the building. With Big Joe, the bubble bot and the luggage, the small, dingy elevator creaks unsettlingly. Hawking is relieved when they reach the fourth floor safely.

The party maneuvers down the fourth floor hallway, which smells stale and a tad mildewed, to number 4A. Big Joe fumbles with the keys while the Crustacean clicks his mandibles impatiently and Pu Wing Fu starts wondering if the wallpaper is really as flammable as it looks. Finally Joe gets the door open and they parade inside.

The apartment is furnished in a combination of thrift store and Ikea. The "breakfast nook" apparently referred to the dining room table next to the small kitchen. The four of them fill the living room, making it seem almost as small as the elevator. A hallway leading to the bedrooms leads off from the living room. The curtains are drawn, and the ICBC-issue wide-screen TV is turned on. Most surprisingly, however, the couch is occupied.

The interloper is a bony young man with moppet blond hair and a prominent nose. He looks up at the new arrivals, then turns back to the TV. A bit of ash dropping from his cigarette onto the floor is the only hint that he finds their appearance surprising.

Keith
Hey kids. Welcome to the Bellamy. I'm Keith, from across the hall.

Crustacean
What is this creature doing here? Big Joe, remove him.

Keith
Don't mind me, my roommate's just banging his little fuck friend, so I thought I'd peruse this sweet TV of yours. Don't worry, I'll be out of your hair soon as COPS is over. He doesn't have that much staying power, if you know what I mean.

Putting down the luggage, Big Joe slaps a meaty paw on his shoulder and hauls him off the couch.

Switchboard
I think you'll be out of our hair now, pally.

Keith
Hey! Whoa, chill there, Stone Cold. I'm just trying to be neighbourly. Check the fridge, I brought you a case of Molson's as a housewarming.

Hawking, who the strictures of limited space required to stand in the kitchen, opens the fridge. He looks up at Keith suspiciously.

Hawking
I can see that. I can also see that the bottle of ICBC-label champagne that I instructed to be left in there is empty.

Keith
Shit, is that still in there? Whoops. Sorry, guys, my bad. Thought it was left behind by the previous tenants.

Pu Wing Fu
Crustacean, can I have him as a toy? He's neat!

Crustacean
Be my guest. Take him outside, I don't want to have the carpets cleaned again. Joe, go and get the rest of the luggage.

Switchboard
Sure.

He tosses Keith at Pu Wing Fu and walks out. Pu squeals in delight and envelops Keith in a crushing hug.

Keith
*urk!* Easy, Simba, easy! So, uh... you guys international students or something?

Pu Wing Fu
We're super-villains, Keith!

Keith
Oh yeah? Cool. I always wondered how you get into that.

Hawking
I understand there's an institute in Boise that offers an excellent program.

Keith
No shit...

Crustacean
Are you enrolled in some kind of academic program, human?

Keith
Huh? Uh, yeah, I guess. I'm in 3rd year comp sci up on the hill... SFU. A lot of the tenants here are students, it's kind of like a student ghetto.

The Crustacean glared at the door after Big Joe.

Crustacean
"Inconspicuous", my swimmerets...

As they spoke, Pu was squeezing Keith tighter and tighter as he squirmed to get away. He begin to turn a light shade of blue.

Keith
Aghh.. jeez, Simba, will you... Argh!

He sticks his cigarette into Pu's arm. She yelps and he manages to get free.

Keith
Sorry! So, uh, nice meeting you all, maybe next time I'll get your names, lemme know when you have a party, okay? Later!

He scrambles out the door and it slams shut behind him.

Hawking
An... interesting young man.

Crustacean
Indeed. He may be useful to cultivate, we could use a dupe at some later time... Come, Hawking, let us inspect the premises, then we shall prepare for our meeting with Galerkin. We have much to do to prepare for Hydrogen Guy's doom...

Hans-Raoul sat at his desk and tried to look at the Crustacean, sitting opposite him next to Hawking, in a way that suggested that he, Hans-Raoul, thought the Crustacean was one of ICBC's most important assets and would do anything within his power to help, rather than that he, the Crustacean, was several turbot short of a shoal.

Hans-Raoul
You want to create a monster.

Crustacean
Not just an ordinary monster, Galerkin. An unstoppable Sea-Beast! I have formulated a way of combining the genetic codes of a frog, a lobster, and blue-green algae in such a way that the resulting creature will be nearly indestructible --

Hans-Raoul
Except for one virtually inaccessible spot, no doubt.

Crustacean
What? No, of course not, don't be a fool... What is more, the creature will feed through a photosynthesis-like process and consume hydrogen gas! It will extract the hydrogen from sea-water the majority of the time, but should Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy try their gaseating trick in its vicinity, it will mean certain doom for them!

Hans-Raoul
Very creative.

Crustacean
The creature will have only a meagre will and intelligence of its own - I will control it telepathically from a safe distance. So you see, with my unparalleled tactical mind in control, and its native strength and appetite, the probability that Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy will survive its onslaught is INFINITESIMAL. Do you not agree, Dr. Hawking?

Hawking
Hm? Oh, quite.

Hans-Raoul
I'm glad to hear the Crustacean has your support, Doctor... So, er... how much do you expect this will cost?

Crustacean
What is money in the drive for world domination?

Hans-Raoul
For an organisation of this size, you'd be surprised. Please, a rough estimate.

Crustacean
Ah.. perhaps a few hundred thousand for the equipment necessary for the incubation chamber... Hawking has shipped over sufficient computing power, a few work-stations... Access to the corporation proving grounds...

Hawking
Using my ICBC Pricing Guide, which admittedly is slightly out of date, I arrived at a figure of $532,000 Canadian.

Hans-Raoul nodded silently.

Crustacean
Surely this is a small price to pay, to rid us all of these consummate pests.

Hans-Raoul
If the results are as guaranteed as you say they, sure... I must say, this is an avenue that's worth exploring, but --

Crustacean
Worth exploring? Pah! This is the only logical method, as I currently see it. There is no way it could fail.

Hans-Raoul
I admire your optimism, but you of all people should know that there are always ways a plan can fail. And of course, most do. Due to the nature of the investment you're asking for, we'll need you to draw up a proposal complete with detailed specifications, then we'll need to do a risk assessment --

Crustacean
All of this is unnecessary. You will comply!

Hans-Raoul smiled.

Hans-Raoul
I'm sorry, Crustacean, your mental powers don't work on my kind.

Crustacean
I expect obedience from my underlings, Galerkin!

Hans-Raoul
I'm not your underling. I'm your facilitator. Getting you the things you need is part of my job, but it's also part of my job to decide whether you really need the things you're asking for. To be honest, I don't think this monster plan of yours is a very good idea.

Crustacean
Insolent fool! If I tell you I need to create a monster, then you will provide me with what I need to create it! I would not conceive the idea if it were, as your simian tongue puts it, "not a very good idea".

Hans-Raoul barely suppressed the urge to smash the overgrown water-bug with his "Souvenir of Canada's Wonderland" paper-weight.

Hans-Raoul
Look... no! You don't need a monster! You have all these other resources - weapons, assassins, your own superpowers - why don't you use some of those?

Crustacean
Soft-skinned simpleton! You cannot possibly understand the nuances of my methods.

Hans-Raoul
I'm not talking about nuances, I'm talking about your budget! Monsters, as Dr. Hawking has pointed out, are expensive, and I can't just go around authorising them left, right and centre! What about Pu Wing Fu? She's pretty fierce.

Crustacean
Insignificant worm! Your petty finances mean nothing to me. The only significant factor is the destruction of Hydrogen Guy.

Hans-Raoul
Of course, all I'm saying is that there are other ways you haven't fully explored yet, that are much more cost-effective. How about those hydrogen-frequency blasters that Ironcore was working on?

Crustacean
Feh! They hold no appeal for me. I am not one of your mundane mammalian drone workers. I am a mastermind! A visionary. Dare I say, an artist! Am I not, Hawking?

Hawking
Oh, absolutely.

Hans-Raoul
I won't argue that you have a unique vision --

Crustacean
This monster is no mere trained orangutan, my dear Galerkin, but a rapacious statement of my vision! A warning to the world, a bold statement in post-post-modernist terror!

Hans-Raoul
Well...

Crustacean
What I require of you, Galerkin, is a broad, flexible out-look. That, not your cost-effective gizmos, is what wins the day for us, and chaos advocates everywhere.

Hawking
*ahem* Well said.

Hans-Raoul sighed.

Hans-Raoul
Fine. Write up the requisition, I'll see what I can do.

Crustacean
A wise decision, Mr. Galerkin, one that I'm sure you won't regret. Although Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy most assuredly will!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Hans-Raoul
Right. If you say so.

By the end of the week, much to Hawking's surprise, Hans-Raoul had managed to clear half of the Crustacean's funding request, largely by pulling in money from ICBC's Young Entrepreneurs program, which technically works since the Crustacean is under the age of sixteen.

We find the Dr. Hawking at work in the apartment's living room, wearing his lab coat and up to his elbows in what used to the apartment's fridge, now lying on its back and being converted into a homeostochastic chamber. Tools and equipment are scattered around the room; the Crustacean is sitting atop his aquarium, examining technical specifications on water-proof plastic.

Crustacean
I still think we should have obtained a larger refrigerator.

Hawking
We're doing this on a very tight budget. We must make some sacrifices. Not only that, it wouldn't fit in the apartment.

Crustacean
The creature was supposed to be fifteen feet high.

Hawking
By making it smaller, we also save on materials.

Crustacean
True. On that note, did you send Big Joe to DNA Depot?

Hawking
He just called from there. Apparently they're out of Rana catesbeiana, and it's on back-order.

Crustacean
When will it arrive?

Hawking
Not until Monday.

Crustacean
That is unacceptable. The process is scheduled to be initiated Thursday. We shall have to find another source.

Hawking
He's checking Genome-To-Go, but they have a much more limited selection and somewhat high prices. We're pushing the wet materials budget already with the large quantity of catalytic phosphorous necessary...

Crustacean
Blast it. Cryptogenetics just had to become trendy...

Hawking
Unless you want us lurking around ponds chasing after bullfrogs, we might have to push the schedule back until DNA Depot's shipment arrives.

Crustacean
Very well. You will begin this evening.

Hawking
I was joking.

Crustacean
I am not.

Hawking
We'll never catch enough frogs to purify 30 gallons of DNA! I don't even have the necessary equipment!

Crustacean
Then I will instruct Galerkin to have as many agents as he can spare assigned to the task. The animals will be processed in the ICBC laboratories.

Hawking
He's never going to authorise that.

Crustacean
And why not?

Hawking
Because for one, it will cost orders of magnitude more than buying it through DNA Depot or Genome-To-Go. For another, I simply can't imagine the sight of ICBC's highly trained criminal agents catching bullfrogs at the local swimming hole as something the Corporation would enjoy seeing.

Crustacean
You may have a point.

Hawking
You'll just have to wait for the shipment.

Crustacean
These delays are insufferable...

Just then Keith sauntered into the living room.

Keith
What's the buzz, gentlemen... Hey, that thing's really coming along. You'll be cruising down the highway on the back of your very own customised Maytag in no time. What kinda engine you dropping in there?

Crustacean
I thought I instructed you to have the locks changed.

Hawking
I've been a tad busy.

Keith
I'll stay out of your way, I just came by to borrow your vacuum. We're trying to get the God damn hamster out of the heating vent.

Hawking
Try the hall closet.

Keith
Thanks.

Crustacean
What are you doing?! Why are you allowing that imbecile to abscond with our vacuum cleaner?

Hawking
So that he'll go away.

Keith
I'm just down the hall, y'know, I can hear everything you're saying!

Crustacean
Good.

Keith
I don't see it...

Hawking
It's all the way in the back, keep looking.

Keith
[rummages] Jeez, what is all this shit... okay, I found it, behind the black and white fur coat... EEEYAAAAAAGH!!!!

Pu Wing Fu
TAG! You're IT!

Keith tears around the corner and out the door carrying the vacuum cleaner. Close behind him is Pu Wing Fu waving something - it's hard to identify when she's moving so fast, but it looks very very sharp.

Keith
AAAAAGH!!!

Pu Wing Fu
YAAAAAA!

Hawking
Can you see the 15 mm rubber tubing?

Crustacean
On your right.

Hawking
Thanks.

A few days worth of calculations gave the appropriate Lyaponov exponents, and when the bullfrog DNA arrived, Hawking filled the chamber, sealed it, and immediately initiated the Vorpalstein process.

Two weeks later, while Keith and Big Joe sit on the couch (with their feet propped up on the chamber, something the Crustacean had explicitly ordered them not to do) watching a "Bewitched" rerun, the device cycles down and the green "Ready" light begins blinking. Big Joe calls the others into the room immediately, and moments later, all five of them (they had all, except for Pu Wing Fu, stopped taking any notice of Keith) stood gathered around the chamber. Hawking was checking the various indicators on the lid, and making frequent clucking noises.

Crustacean
Well?

Hawking
The ME indicator is somewhat lower than expected, but otherwise everything appears to be in order...

Keith
Well, what are you waiting for, Hawk, let's crack this puppy open.

The Crustacean glares at him.

Crustacean
Open the chamber, Dr. Hawking.

Hawking lifts Keith's half-filled ashtray from the chamber door and hands it to him, then starts keying the release sequence into the control unit. Finally he pulls a lever on one side; there is a satisfying thunk and a whoosh as the seal is broken; wisps of foul-smelling gas escape from the chamber's interior. Big Joe helps Hawking open the door, and then they all stand back.

Slowly, a form rises out of the chamber, dripping a thick greeny-brown slime. The creature is broad, with square shoulders, but not tall, roughly five and a half feet. Its body is a brighter green than the slime around it, almost fluorescent. It is somewhat pudgy, with insect-like plated armour from its neck down to its feet, with spikes varying from a half inch to almost four inches on its back. Its head is decidedly frog-like, as are its two bulging yellow eyes. Its hands and feet are roughly like a frog's, but the five digits on each hand and foot are curved and covered in serrated edges, like a lobster's claw, except for the human-like opposing thumbs.

It stares blankly around at the onlookers and sniffs the air.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Crustacean
At last! The indestructible instrument of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy's destruction! My own unstoppable weapon, my own Sea Fiend!

DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Big Joe
Criminy...

Keith
Huh. You've created a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Crustacean
We shall test it immediately. Sea Fiend, seize him!

Acting under the Crustacean's perfect telepathic control, the creature bounds out of the chamber and grabs Keith. Keith yelps as the others scramble frantically out of the way, and the creature lifts him over his head like a wrestler.

Keith
AAGH! OW OW put me down! Fuck it, the thing's cutting me, it's hands are fucking cutting me!!

Crustacean
It has the strength to sever your limbs quite easily. You must convince me not to have it do so, moron.

Keith
What do you want?!

Crustacean
You will cease mooching our beer, and return our vacuum cleaner, blender and "Best of the Carpenters" CD!

Keith
Okay, I promise! I'll go get them right now, just put me down!

The creature lowers him to the floor. Keith limps as quickly as he can out of the room.

Hawking
It seems to have come out every bit as well as expected. Shall we bring it to the proving grounds?

Crustacean
Unnecessary. I feel it meets all of our expectations, any further testing will be extraneous. We shall seek out our enemies immediately.

Big Joe
I'll bring the van around back.

Crustacean
Excellent. Hawking, bring my tank to the bubble bot and help me prepare. Pu Wing Fu, guard the creature. Ensure nothing happens to it.

Pu Wing Fu
If it's indestructible, what could happen to it in the apartment?

Crustacean
Silence, bear.

Hawking
Ah, Crustacean... I feel that we should use a guidance collar to move the creature, rather than have you control it telepathically. Due to our budgetary constraints, I fear it may not be as psychically resilient as originally conceived.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Hawking
It would be best to minimize any telepathic intrusion into the creature's mind until I can run some more tests.

Crustacean
Can you assure me that it will respond properly in combat?

Hawking
If you treat it wisely, yes... Once the creature is attacked, its animal instincts will take over. You will have to guide it in any tactics beyond its meagre capabilities, of course, but provided you do not ask it to do too much yet, the risk of failure should be very small.

Crustacean
Very well. If we strike quickly enough, the battle should be relatively brief. Come, Doctor.

As Big Joe leaves, Hawking hefts up the aquarium from the side table and the two head down the hall, leaving Pu Wing Fu alone with the creature. As the Crustacean and Hawking leave, Pu's sharp hearing picks up the sound of some small metallic object hitting the floor. Padding over to the source of the sound, she sees a strangely shaped piece of metal on a light silver chain sitting on the floor.

Pu Wing Fu
Ooh, pretty thing!

She picks it up.

Pu Wing Fu
It was probably left by the Tooth Fairy... I'll have to pull out some of Keith's teeth to pay her back... Hm, the chain is broken. See look, monster, it must have had a weak link. Like on that TV show with that woman who's really a Kassarian android. I know 'cause Mr. Scorch showed me the receipt...

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Pu Wing Fu
Here! You need some jewellery to make you look pretty. Give me a paw.

The creature stares blankly at her, then raises one arm. Pu Wing Fu wraps the necklace around its wrist, then pulling a hairpin from the fur by her underarm, she twists the chain together.

Pu Wing Fu
There you go! What do you think?

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Pu Wing Fu
Yay! We'll be super friends, monster! C'mon, I'll teach you how to hunt winos!

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

The Usual Coffee Shop, downtown Maple Ridge. Our heroes, the redoubtable Hydrogen Guy and the indubitable Deuterium Boy, are "taking a meeting" over hot gourmet beverages with the dubious Jackie Go, a programming executive for MR-TV. Jackie is a short, excitable Asian man in a black suit, black dress shirt, and a tie even more colourful than Deuterium Boy's costume.

Hydrogen Guy stirs his hot chocolate (with an extra shot of potassium-38).

Hydrogen Guy
Don't get me wrong, Jackie. DB and I are thrilled you asked us to participate in the "Tykes for Tots" Telethon. I'm just not sure that juggling flaming beakers of hydrochloric acid is going to work.

J Go
Of course it's going to work! It will really excite the viewers! They'll ring the phones like crazy, plus it's good publicity for you guys!

Deuterium Boy
Okay, well, for one thing hydrochloric acid isn't flammable.

J Go
No problem, we'll douse them in gasoline first!

Hydrogen Guy
For another thing, neither of us can actually juggle.

J Go
You just use your super-atomic speed, it'll make juggling seem easy!

Deuterium Boy
And, uh, gaseous HCl is highly poisonous.

J Go
The poison won't bother you, so we put you in sealed glass booths! It'll heighten the danger, too. You guys need to think like stage magicians!

Deuterium Boy
If that's the case, we'll need scantily clad female assistants.

J Go
You get me Helium Girl in a bikini, I'll give you all the girls you want.

Hydrogen Guy
That can be your job, DB. Okay, Jackie, we'll think about it.

Deuterium Boy
I'll fax you the WHMIS sheet on HCl from my hospital bed.

J Go
Super! That makes me really very happy!

He shotguns his cappuccino then rises from the table.

J Go
Excuse me for a minute, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and make a call.

As he leaves, Deuterium Boy looks at Hydrogen Guy over his heavy water café au lait.

Deuterium Boy
Did he mean --

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know, but I'm starting to wonder if that was really static on the line last time he called me...

The unmarked ICBC van is parked across from the Usual. Big Joe peers at the coffee shop window with binoculars.

Big Joe
Yeah, they're there, all right.

Crustacean
Excellent. Pu Wing Fu, guide the monster across the street and instruct it to enter the coffee shop.

Pu Wing Fu
Okay! Come on, monster! Remember, break their legs first...

She leads him on a leash out the back of the van, and the strange pair cross the street. In front of the coffee shop, she unhooks the Sea Fiend's leash and points to the door of the coffee shop. After she talks for a few minutes, the creature slowly nods its head, and shambles towards the door. After a few seconds of watching it try to figure out the door, Pu Wing Fu opens the door for it. As it enters the coffee shop, Pu Wing Fu sprints back across the street, giggling gleefully.

Crustacean
Excellent. As soon as Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are within striking distance, I shall assume telepathic control...

Hawking nods. His hand stray to the ward around his neck, protecting him from such control. His heart leaps as he discovers its gone...

Moments after Jackie Go departed, the door to the coffee shop opens and closes. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy pay it no notice until they realise that all other conversation in the shop has fallen silent.

The Sea Fiend is standing by the counter, testing the air experimentally. Two Java Serfs watch it nervously from underneath the counter.

It swivels its head, and seems to catch a whiff of something in Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy's direction. It starts to shuffle towards their table, knocking other tables and chairs aside. Other patrons scramble out of its way.

Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy get to their feet, hands on their weapons. The creature stops directly beside their table. It looks at them expressionlessly. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy exchange a tense glance.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

It pulls Jackie Go's chair out from the table and sits down.

Cautiously, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy sit back down.

Hydrogen Guy
Uhh...

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Deuterium Boy
Hey there, fella. What can we do for you?

Sea Fiend
Gloop Gloop.

After unburdening itself so, it falls silent.

Hydrogen Guy
It's okay, folks, he seems friendly.

The other patrons relax somewhat, and the java serfs slowly come out from hiding. Conversation resumes as normal.

Hydrogen Guy
[to creature] Sorry, we don't get many, uh, lagoon creatures in here. No offence.

It pokes its nose closer to Hydrogen Guy, seeming to smell him. It detects the fair halo of hydrogen molecules that surround him at all times. Sensing a tasty treat, it sticks out a long, velvety tongue and licks him.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah! Hey!

Deuterium Boy
He is friendly!

Hydrogen Guy
I'll say! Nice to meet you too, big guy...

It turns and pokes its nose towards Deuterium Boy, then proceeds to lick him. Then it licks him again.

Deuterium Boy
Oy, easy!

Hydrogen Guy
You must taste better.

Deuterium Boy
This isn't some cultural thing, is it? Should we lick him back?

Hydrogen Guy
I have no idea. Go right ahead.

Deuterium Boy
Please don't be offended, but I'm allergic to... whatever this stuff you're covered in is.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Hydrogen Guy
Exactly.

Just then, Jackie Go emerged from the direction of the washroom. He stopped in his tracks and stared at the creature sitting in his chair.

J Go
Holy smokes! Who's that, a friend of yours?

Hydrogen Guy
He is now. Uh, Gloop, meet Jackie Go.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

J Go
Hi, how you doing? Jackie Go, MR-TV.

He offers his hand. Gloop stares at it for a second, then decides to lick Deuterium Boy again.

Deuterium Boy
Will you cut it out, please?

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

J Go
I love him! Are you gonna bring him on the Telethon?

Hydrogen Guy
What?

J Go
You have to! He's great, he's got fantastic presence. The camera's gonna love him, and so are the viewers. Maybe we'll make him a mascot. Hey, you wanna come work for me?

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

Hydrogen Guy
I think he wants to draw up a contract.

J Go
Come down to the station. We'll set everything up.

The Crustacean's cursing had stopped, now he was simply seething furiously.

His Sea Fiend was sitting at Hydrogen Guy's table, and for some reason its simple, "psychically unresistant" mind was like a wall of solid steel against the Crustacean's attempts at control. Only Dr. Hawking had a faint idea why.

They watched helplessly as Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, a short Asian man in a loud tie, and the Sea Fiend left the shop, climbed into a silver Beemer in the parking lot, and with the monster in the front passenger seat, drove away.

Pu Wing Fu
Bye, monster...

Crustacean
Hawking... what happened?

Hawking
Ah... I suspect the ME parameter instability... yes, that must be it...

Big Joe
Man, it sucks you couldn't control it, but did it have to turn out to be friendly? Couldn't it just have torn'em apart anyway?

Pu Wing Fu
I know! Why don't we go home and hurt Keith? I need to pull out his teeth!

Crustacean
Pu Wing Fu, you may start with Hawking's.

Hawking
But, Crustacean, it's not my fau--

The Crustacean's control washed over him like an icy river.

Several weeks later... Pu Wing Fu and Big Joe are sitting on the couch watching television. The Crustacean's tank sits between them on the otherwise unused homeostochastic chamber.

Pu Wing Fu
Ooh, this is my favourite infomercial!

Crustacean
This is the 11 o'clock news.

Pu Wing Fu
Yeah! I like the part where they mince an onion!

Big Joe
Shush, I wanna hear the stock report...

Crustacean
Blast Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy... I will make them suffer interminably...

Big Joe
Ah, let it go for a bit, boss. You'll give yourself an ulcer or whatever.

Crustacean
I do not have stomach acid.

Big Joe
Or whatever...

Keith
Hey guys, what's up?

Keith wanders in and sits between Big Joe and Pu Wing Fu.

Keith
Mind if I turn it to "Tonight's the Night"? My roommate's watching some chick flick.

He picks up the remote and flips the channel.

Live from Maple Ridge! TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!

With:

Colin Firth!

From CBC's Radiosonic, Grant Lawrence!

Episodic Editor, Kira Lerner!

Musical guests, Pant Pant Pant!

... and featuring Bobby "Roshi" Aitken and the Tonight's the Night Orchestra!

And now, all the way from Webster's Other Corner... your special guest host, GLOOP C. FEEND!

The curtains part and the Sea Fiend shambles on stage as the studio audience cheers enthusiastically. His bulbous frog eyes stare blankly, which only seems to encourage the crowd.

Pu Wing Fu
Yay monster!

Big Joe
That's just screwed up... I mean, c'mon, I know he was a big hit on the Telethon, but fer cryin' out loud...

Crustacean
Could any defeat be more ignominious...

Keith
Yeah. It really sucks, Crusty. But you have to move on, y'know?

Crustacean
Mmm.

Keith
Get on with life, bigger and better things. Rise upon the stepping stones of your dead self, like my grandma used to say.

Big Joe
That's good advice.

Keith
'Course she was always doped up on meds, but it makes sense... Besides, his monologue's actually a lot better than Chilton's, though he sucks up to the Hollywood guests too much.

Sea Fiend
Gloop.

[laughter]

They watch in silence for several minutes.

Crustacean
Do you require alcohol, human?

Keith
Love one, thanks.

He accepts a beer from Hawking, who is suddenly standing butler-like beside the couch. His eyes have a glazed expression, and he's carrying a silver tray bearing drinks.

Keith
He's useful around the house.

Crustacean
Hmm... next time, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy... next time, you will be mine!

Ominous Music...

Keith
Dude, let it go...

[fade to black; roll credits]