Episode 77

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part I

Among those who couldn't resist Man Mount'n Munch was Sherri Laurence. The young black-haired woman had just sat down to a bowl of her favourite cereal, in lieu of a more fattening after-dinner snack, when the phone rang.

Sherri
'lo? ... Hey, Joss... Nothin' much, just procrastinating... Yeah, psych 304. I hate summer classes, nothing sucks like having to think about essays in July...

As her friend commiserated, a faint drone drifted in from the living room. Sherri got up from the table and carried the cordless from the kitchen. The television was on, turned to one of the Mount'n Man Munch commercials. Sherri shrugged , picked up the clicker and flicked it off as the animated Mount'n Man was trying to out-run a swarm of angry cartoon bees. She was sure she'd turned the TV off when "Ally" was over, but, eh. She continued chatting with Joss about her jackass lab instructor as she headed back to the kitchen. She sat down at the table, picked up her spoon, and then stopped dead.

Her bowl was completely empty.

Sherri
Holy shit...

Her voice dropped to a whisper.

Sherri
Yeah, I'm still here. Listen, Joss, I'll call you back, okay? There's something weird going on here... If I don't call you in a half an hour, call somebody, okay? .. I'm serious .. Don't freak out, just do it, okay? It's probably nothing, I bet my stupid brother snuck in here when I wasn't looking. I don't know why I ever gave him a key. But just in case... Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.

She hung up and put the phone down on the table.

Sherri
BRIAN? Are you here?

There was no answer. She got up and looked around the kitchen. He couldn't have finished the bowl in that short a time, he probably just switched it for a clean one. Little shit...

She scanned the kitchen, but couldn't see any sign of the missing cereal bowl. The sink was clean, and the garbage underneath it. She went to the cupboard where the bowls were kept. No cereal there. In the fridge? I swear to Yahweh, Brian, I'm going to break your precious --

THUNK!

She slammed the cupboard doors and whirled around. The blood drained from her face, and she felt her knees weaken. A large kitchen knife was embedded almost an inch into the fridge door, and it was still vibrating.

Slowly the refrigerator door began to swing open.

Sherri screamed.

It was about three days later that Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy arrived at the house on Tamarack Lane on the suburban east side of Maple Ridge. As they got out of DB's Saturn coupe, the MRPD's Detective Peterson and a much younger blonde woman were waiting for them on the front steps.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, Peterson. This is such a nice surprise. We hardly ever get to work together anymore.

The detective showed no signs of being glad to see them. Hydrogen Guy was often tempted to describe the man as "ferret-like", but hesitated since he had nothing really against ferrets.

Peterson
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, this is Agent Maryanne Leslie of the FBI. She's here to observe the Sherri Laurence case.

The woman was small-framed and wore a jacket, blouse and skirt that were reasonably summery and a touch conservative. Her hair was tied into a loose bun held together with a wooden widget. She smiled brightly as she shook their hands.

Deuterium Boy
FBI?

Leslie
I'm so happy to meet you both.

Hydrogen Guy
So I take it you think this is the work of the Cereal Killer.

Peterson
The MRPD's not saying anything, yet, despite what you hear in the media. Ms. Leslie is an observer, nothing more.

Hydrogen Guy
You have a talent for making people feel welcome, don't you?

Peterson glared at him as he pulled a house key from his jacket pocket. He inserted it into the front door, unlocked it, and pushed it open.

Peterson
You can look around, but don't touch anything without asking. Understand?

The superheroes exchanged puzzled glances.

Hydrogen Guy
Uh, actually, I don't. Are you asking us to have a look at the murder scene?

Leslie
I am, Hydrogen Guy. I'd like you and Deuterium Boy's input in this case, now that the Cereal Killer's in your back yard.

Deuterium Boy
Uh, serial killers are a little outside our area of expertise. We usually deal with aliens, mutants, super-terrorists, maniacs taking over the world, that kind of stuff.

Hydrogen Guy
Despite what Peterson might have told you, we don't like stepping on anyone's toes. We only take cases the ordinary police or military can't handle.

Peterson swiftly shut the door, and immediately became more polite.

Peterson
Fine. Sorry to have wasted your time, gentlemen. Agent Leslie, we can --

Leslie
Detective Peterson, open the door.

She spoke very firmly. Peterson started to comply then hesitated. Leslie took in the three men in a single no-nonsense glance.

Leslie
Hydrogen Guy, I asked Detective Peterson to call the two of you in. I realise this isn't the sort of thing you normally do, but I want this case solved, and it would be idiotic not to consult one of the world's greatest crime-fighters when he's only five minutes away.

She smiled sweetly once again.

Leslie
Besides... the only difference between a serial killer and a super-villain is the superpowers, right?

Hydrogen Guy looked at Deuterium Boy, who shrugged.

Hydrogen Guy
Well... it won't hurt to have a look around.

Leslie
Super. Ah... no pun intended.

Hydrogen Guy winced as Peterson opened the door again and they walked into the house. Once inside, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy unclipped their Scan-O-Matics from their belts, switched them on, and started waving them slowly around as they walked. They passed over the foyer fairly quickly then moved into the living room. The others watched as they went through the scanning routine, Peterson in irritation, and Agent Leslie with a look that said this was exactly the stuff to give'em.

Leslie
Are you two familiar with the details of the case?

Hydrogen Guy
Only in passing.

Leslie glanced at Peterson. Reluctantly he pulled a notebook out of his pocket and flipped it open.

Peterson
Sherri Rachelle Laurence, age 23, University student, died Tuesday night from multiple stab wounds.

Deuterium Boy
Is that cop-speak for "hacked to pieces like a Christmas turkey"?

Peterson
Victim was last heard from at roughly 9:15 that night, when she terminated a call with one Jocelyn Dunn, intimating something was wrong in the house and for Dunn to call somebody if Laurence didn't phone back in thirty minutes.

Hydrogen Guy
Do we know what made her hang up?

Leslie
No. Obviously it wasn't anything major, Dunn said she seemed calm. Probably a strange noise, or she saw something in the house was out of place.

Hydrogen Guy
She was alone?

Leslie
She thought she was, anyway. Dunn said she thought whatever it was might have been due to her brother, who had a key and apparently had snuck into the house to play tricks on her before.

Peterson
The brother has an alibi. Ah... Dunn called him at 9:47 PM, asked him to go over and check on the house, and he found the mess in the kitchen.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, yes, "the mess". Blood and cereal everywhere, right?

Peterson
Mm-hm. Roughly six boxes worth of breakfast cereal dumped over the floor and kitchen counters after most of the blood had been spilled.

Deuterium Boy
What kind of cereal?

Peterson
"Mount'n Man Munch". We found a half-full box in the cupboard, the killer probably brought his own.

Hydrogen Guy
Yuck. Mount'n Man Munch is repulsive. And its mascot is really irritating.

Deuterium Boy
Lore of the Brunching Shuttlecocks gave it B-.

Hydrogen Guy
It tastes like sugar-glazed horse feed.

Deuterium Boy
It is sugar-glazed horse feed.

Leslie
If I may interrupt? Thank you... It fits the pattern of the "Cereal Killer", who's been literally cutting a swath across the States. First victims were in Miami, Florida, three months ago, the last was in Bellingham, Washington, two weeks ago.

Peterson
We still haven't ruled out a copy-cat.

Hydrogen Guy nodded, half-listening.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, are you reading anything in the low end of the solar neutrino spectrum?

Deuterium Boy
Not much... we seem to be missing neutrinos...

Peterson
Great, I'll call the astrophysics department. If --

Hydrogen Guy
DB, turn on the ecto-spec.

Deuterium Boy
Right... Holy Hecate...

Deuterium Boy
The TV's lit up like a quasar.

Hydrogen Guy
That's where all the neutrinos are going... Peterson, did Laurence's brother or any of the cops who attended the scene say anything about the temperature in the room?

Peterson
Uhh... yeah, the living room and kitchen were a bit chilly. Why?

Deuterium Boy
These rooms have air conditioning?

Peterson
No. Why, what does it matter?

Hydrogen Guy
How else does it get chilly in the middle of July...

Deuterium Boy
HG, why don't you tie the ecto-spec into your mask's sensors and make a 3-D Spengler map of the living room?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure, DB, that's exactly what I want to do in a house where a violent murder took place days before. My sanity may not be much, but it's all I've got.

Leslie
What are you two talking about?

Hydrogen Guy
Just some features of interest showing up on the ectoplasmic spectrometer... I think we're about done here. Shall we have a look at the kitchen?

Leslie still looked puzzled, and Peterson still hovered just below his irritation threshold. Nonetheless, he led the way into the kitchen.

The mess in the mess had long since been cleaned up, save for a lingering deep brown stain on the linoleum. The kitchen knife was still embedded in the refrigerator door. The Diatomic Duo were immediately interested, and began scanning it fervently.

Deuterium Boy
Is this the murder weapon?

Peterson
No, the killer took it with him. We figure he'd probably done that to scare her.

Deuterium Boy
That'd be effective...

Peterson
We dusted that for prints, it's clean.

Hydrogen Guy
He must be pretty strong to be able to sink a knife that deep in the fridge door... DB, there's still a huge remnant magnetisation on the metal.

Deuterium Boy nodded. He slipped a steel "League of Heroes" promotional pen from his belt and held it a centimetre from the knife blade. When he let go, the pen leaped towards the blade and stuck with an audible click.

Leslie
It's magnetised!

Peterson
What in the hell would cause that?

Hydrogen Guy
The blade was immersed in a very powerful magnetic field...

Leslie
How? Why?

Deuterium Boy
HG, it's the same in here as in the living room... anomalously low neutrino counts and a strong ectoplasmic signal from the fridge. The knife, too, it's white hot on the ecto-spec.

Hydrogen Guy nodded.

Hydrogen Guy
Peterson, this knife is very interesting. If I were you, I'd bag it.

The detective seemed about to bristle, but only nodded.

Peterson
I've got some bags in the car.

He left the room. Agent Leslie looked at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy with a pleased expression on her face.

Leslie
I knew you two would come through with something.

Hydrogen Guy hesitated.

Hydrogen Guy
Frankly, Agent Leslie, I'm not sure if this is anything you can use.

Leslie
Are you kidding? This is enormously helpful. Obviously this guy is using some kind of high tech gear with a strong electromagnetic field, and it's screwing with the appliances. Probably some kind of military surplus or something. That's something we might be able to trace.

Hydrogen Guy
Ah... no. I think you've misinterpreted some of our jargon. Listen, if you go that route, you'll be going down a blind alley. All of this is a..., well, a natural phenomenon, that sometimes happens when there's a violent death nearby. Not usually this strong, but, it does happen.

Leslie
What do you mean?

Deuterium Boy
What HG's saying is that we're probably just seeing signs of Sherri Laurence's ghost. It's very unlikely that it has anything to do with her killer.

Agent Leslie's expression was a mixture of disappointment, confusion and disbelief. She laughed self-consciously.

Leslie
You two expect me to believe in a ghost? Come on, gentlemen, I'm not an idiot. If you're telling me that after waving those strange devices around that you've decided the house is haunted --

Hydrogen Guy
We're just giving your our opinion, like you asked us.

Leslie glanced over her shoulder to make sure that Peterson was still outside.

Leslie
Listen, ghosts aside, I want you two to help me investigate this case. The killer's probably still in Maple Ridge, he tends to hang around the same city for at least two or three victims. I have no authority here, I'm just observing the Canadians, but you two --

Deuterium Boy
I don't think that would be a good idea.

Leslie
Just hear me out.

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, Ms. Leslie. Like we said, we deal in the bizarre, and we prefer to leave normal, non-superpowered crimes to the regular police. It's the way things are done here. I prefer not to change that.

Leslie
Maybe I can offer you an incentive to unbend a little.

Hydrogen Guy
Oh?

Leslie
I understand the USHA and the City of Boise are giving you some problems.

The Covalent Crusaders shuddered in unison.

Deuterium Boy
Some problems? It's a nightmare! The amount they're asking is astronomical, and the League won't cover more than 25%. Their lawyers are always calling us, making absurd demands, and --

Leslie
Help me on this case and I'll make them go away.

Hydrogen Guy raised an eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
And how would you do that?

Leslie
I have some friends here and there. At the very least I could make an official agency request to the USHA to ease off.

Deuterium Boy
You can do that?

Leslie
You'd be surprised what you can do with the right stationary and the right signature.

Hydrogen Guy
Why do you want our help so much?

Leslie
Because solving a national case with the Justice Council's 'Rookies of the Year' looks great on a CV.

Hydrogen Guy
I suppose you'll want a letter of reference, too?

At that moment Peterson reappeared with an evidence bag and wearing latex gloves. Hydrogen Guy glanced at him as he started working the knife free from the fridge door.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll have to discuss it. We'll let you know this afternoon.

Leslie
Thank you. Please consider it.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll be in touch. Have a good one, Peterson; don't strain your doughnut arm.

Peterson glared at the retreating capes and subconsciously gave the knife a bit of an extra twist.

As they stepped off the elevator into the Hydrogen Cave, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy were still discussing the merits of, on the one hand potentially becoming USHA lawyer-free, and on the other hand interfering in normal police business. Deuterium Boy was putting forth a very cogent argument for the former, being the one most often stuck with answering the phone when they called, while Hydrogen Guy was adamantly sticking to the principle of the thing.

Deuterium Boy
Well, why not? How is it any different from lurking in the shadows at night, beating up would-be rapists? You have no problem with that.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but that's prevention. We stop some punk from robbing, killing, or raping somebody, and nobody loses. Even if there's not enough evidence to prosecute, at least we stopped the deed, right? But if we get involved in an actual police investigation, there's all kinds of potential problems, and almost no payoff. We run the risk of fouling up our relationship with them by getting in their way; if we botch the investigation, we're on the hook, legally speaking; and what's more, where does it end? Why this case and not every unsolved murder on the books?

Deuterium Boy
Because she asked for our help. We share evidence with the cops all the time, at their request. It's no different!

Hydrogen Guy
Yes it is! For one, she has no authority here, that's why she wants us doing the legwork so she can look good to her FBI bosses. And, frankly, I think she's over-estimating how much influence she...

He trailed off as they both realised that the Cave was filled with the sounds of Ravi Shankar.

Hydrogen Guy
What in Einstein's name --

A brown and black head popped up from the sofa.

Sid
Oh, hi! You must be Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy?

They stared at the stranger in disbelief. He was a young Indian man in his early twenties, his head close-shaved. He stood up from the couch; he was wearing a yellow silk shirt, jeans and sandals. He set down a bowl of oatmeal on the coffee table and came towards them his hand outstretched.

Sid
My name's Sid, I'm a friend of Doug's. Pleased to meet you.

He stood in front of them, holding his hand out. Neither of them moved to shake it. He looked at them self-consciously.

Sid
Uh... Doug said it was all right if I stayed here for a few days? Until I find my own place? ... He didn't mention me?

Hydrogen Guy, once again, raised his eyebrow.

Hydrogen Guy
No.

Sid lowered his hand.

Sid
Ah.

Hydrogen Guy
DOUG!!

He strode away, looking for their forgetful sensai, the spirit of an alien Zen master and astrophysicist channelled by a rubber skeleton. Sid stood next to Deuterium Boy, looking very uncomfortable.

Sid
Ah.. heh heh...

Deuterium Boy
So, where are you from, Sid?

Sid
Um, India, I guess, by way of Poughkeepsie... I'm really sorry about this, Doug said it would be all right with you guys, and --

Deuterium Boy
You know, you look kind of familiar.

Sid
I do?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah... I think I've seen you on television... on the sports network, I think...

Sid
Oh. Uh, really?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah... yeah, I'm positive, it was on some promo or other... Do you play cricket?

Sid
No.

Deuterium Boy
Snooker?

Sid
No, sorry.

Deuterium Boy
How do you know Doug, exactly?

Sid
Err...

Hydrogen Guy returned, looking somewhat chagrined.

Hydrogen Guy
Once I got him to stop speaking in haikus, he gave you the all clear. Sorry, Sid, you just surprised us. Welcome to the Cave.

They belatedly shook hands.

Sid
Sorry, I thought Doug had cleared it with you --

Hydrogen Guy
No worries. Doug can be very uncommunicative at times. You know what these enlightened types are like...

Sid
Yeah, heh heh.

Hydrogen Guy
Anyways, any friend of Doug's is a friend of ours. Make yourself comfortable, stay as long as you need, just stay out of our way and whatever you do, don't touch anything you don't recognise.

Sid
Thanks, Hydrogen Guy, I appreciate it, a lot.

Deuterium Boy
NASCAR, you're a NASCAR racer, aren't you?

Hydrogen Guy
What?

Rrrrringgg!

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, the Hydrogen Phone!

Deuterium Boy
I'll get it. But if it's a lawyer, I'm pretending to be the cleaning woman and passing it over to you.

He spared Sid a last puzzled glance, then went to the large flashing red phone across the room and picked up the hand-set. Hydrogen Guy and Sid chatted amiably while Deuterium Boy listened, giving a few one word responses where appropriate. Finally he said, "We'll be there," and hung up.

Hydrogen Guy
What was that about, DB?

Deuterium Boy
That was Eric Moran, from the PR department of Dominion Mills. He wants to meet with us in half an hour.

Hydrogen Guy
What are we, a couple of plumbers today? Any Tom, Dick and Leslie thinks they can just -- wait, doesn't Dominion Mills make --

Deuterium Boy
Yup. Mount'n Man Munch.

Dramatic Music!

Sid
Hey, cool. Maybe you'll get some free samples.

Next episode: Two scoops of mystery, danger that stays crispy in milk, and comedy that helps keep you regular! All in the ectoplasmically delicious Part II of...

A Deadly Part of This Complete Breakfast
Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!