Episode 79

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part III

Last episode: The Diatomic Duo are convinced by the sound financial arguments of Dominion Mills, makers of the cereal "Mount'n Man Munch", to take up the "Cereal Killer" investigation. But after the meeting, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are warned by the mysterious Damian Leary to keep away from the investigation. Our heroes and FBI Agent Maryanne Leslie track Leary to the scene of another killing, where a strange stand-off ensues...

Deuterium Boy's Scan-O-Matic squealed on a ectoplasmic signal overload, and he ignored it. He and Hydrogen Guy stepped forward to confront Damian Leary, gently pushing Agent Maryanne Leslie aside. The Diatomic Duo raised their swords, Hydrogen Guy's Ruler of Elendil still enveloped by a thickening bright blue mist. Behind them in the kitchen was the mutilated body of woman, sprinkled with Mount'n Man Munch cereal, and if Leary was to be believed, there was the body of a young boy upstairs. Leary's expression was one of detached sadness and regret as he stood before them, his tattooed hands held in a defensive posture.

Hydrogen Guy
So it's you, then. You're the monster.

Damian
I'm not a monster.

Deuterium Boy
That's not how we see it.

Hydrogen Guy
Leslie, call Peterson, now.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound in the kitchen behind them. Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Leslie turned around, and Leslie screamed. The kitchen drawers had sprung open of their own accord. Forks and knives of every description - several looking quite deadly - floated in the air, dancing around in a sort of stainless steel waltz.

A stray syllable caught his attention, and Hydrogen Guy spun around a again to see Damian's lips moving - casting a spell. Hydrogen Guy shouted a monosyllabic warning to the others, then threw himself at Leary.

At the same instant, the floating knives and cutlery flung themselves at Leslie and Deuterium Boy. With a supreme burst of effort, Deuterium Boy was able to force a transparent shield of metallic deuterium across the kitchen doorway. The knives stopped short millimetres from the shield and hovered in the air. Deuterium Boy thought he could hear them buzzing like wasps.

Damian was unprepared for an atomic-speed attack. They slammed into the ground, and Hydrogen Guy was pressing the Ruler's blade into his throat.

Hydrogen Guy
Stop whatever it is you're doing.

Damian
It's not --

He looked past Hydrogen Guy and momentarily froze. He shoved Hydrogen Guy off of him and scrambled to his feet, raised his hands and barked two short fricative-filled words. Rough wooden staves, about twenty centimetres long and sharpened to points on either end, shot from his palms. Deuterium Boy shoved Leslie to the ground just before the staves bounced off the deuterium shield.

Damian
Dammit! Drop the shield, now!

Deuterium Boy
Why, so you can pincushion us with kitchen knives?!

Damian
It may stop the knives, but it won't stop that!

They turned to look at where he was pointing. A glowing green mist had formed in the kitchen, just beyond the deuterium shield, and seemed to be thickening into a vaguely humanoid shape.

Deuterium Boy grabbed his Scan-O-Matic, hit the overload alarm's snooze button, and pointed it at the kitchen.

Deuterium Boy
Great Zool's marshmallows... the temperature in there's dropped to 4.6 C, and there's a rapidly fluctuating magnetic field with an amplitude of nearly 1.5 Tesla! HG, it's pure solid ectoplasm!

The others weren't listening. The form had taken on definite shape and colours. The apparition was a short, nearly spherically fat mannikin, wearing a bright yellow flannel shirt, and unnaturally blue jean overalls. A bright red and white polka-dotted handkerchief stuck out of one pocket. Its oversized feet were simply brown ovoid shapes, presumably meant to suggest work books. Its head seemed to be nothing but an enormous bushy black beard, a bulbous nose, two giant white googly eyes, and a floppy brown hat. In its right hand (three-fingered, of course), it carried an almost comically large axe.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost... it's Mount'n Man Munch!

Munch
Dang you varmints! Now ah's gots ta kill all of y'all!

Damian
Deuterium Boy, get back!

Deuterium Boy
Don't need to tell me!

Deuterium Boy and Agent Leslie scrambled away from the deuterium shield. The animated character pushed first one arm, then its head and entire body through the deuterium shield, like stepping through a curtain. Deuterium Boy felt an icy wave hit him as the shield disintegrated.

The hovering swarm of knives leaped forward. Damian raised his hands again and spoke another quick series of words; the knives swerved in all directions, falling short of their targets and implanting themselves into the floor, walls and ceiling. Damian waved his hand and spoke again, fixing the cutlery in place so it could not be used against them again.

The Mount'n Man bellowed and charged at them with the axe. Hydrogen Guy moved to join the fray, but Damian stopped him. He stretched out his hand again and spoke the first of his magic words. Another stave shot from his palm, this one plunging into the murderous mascot's shoulder. It dropped the axe and wailed a banshee-like wail; glowing ectoplasm bled from the wound.

Damian pulled a wand from his belt, a short staff decorated with bright feathers and polished stones.

Damian
BEGONE! BEGONE! BEGONE!

Munch's wail dwindled away, and his animated bulk seemed to evaporate in lingering tendrils of the same thick, clingy mist which surround the Ruler of Elendil. In less than a second, the phantom was gone.

Deuterium Boy started scanning furiously again with the Scan-O-Matic. Damian grabbed his and Leslie's arms and started steering them towards the stairs. He looked to Hydrogen Guy.

Damian
Quickly, the banishment will only last a short time and we need to regroup. Its power is less farther from the earth, we won't be safe upstairs but it will be easier to hold it back. Come with me.

They followed him without question. Deuterium Boy continued to bend over the Scan-O-Matic, puzzling over the readings. Damian lead them up the stairs; the upper floor consisted of just a short hallway with several rooms off of it. Damian hurried them past two closed doors and into a spare bedroom at the end of the hall.

He quickly slammed the door shut behind them. Leslie sank down onto the bed, apparently in a state of shock. Damian pulled a stick of charcoal from his pocket and began drawing a circle around the door.

Hydrogen Guy
What the hell is that thing? A poltergeist?

Damian shook his head impatiently.

Damian
No, poltergeists are malevolent house spirits. They almost never travel and seldom cause any serious physical harm.

Deuterium Boy
What is it then? It's extraordinarily powerful.

Damian double-checked the circle around the door, making sure it was properly closed. He spoke quickly as he went to the window and started drawing a second circle around it.

Damian
I'm not really sure, I only have theories.... Hydrogen Guy, I told you not to interfere. We all could've been killed down there, as it is Deuterium Boy's shield made me waste two staves. You should not have come, especially her.

He spared a frustrated glance at Agent Leslie.

Damian
Is she all right? She could be going into shock, it's a common response after traumatic encounters.

Deuterium Boy
Agent Leslie? Are you all right?

She blinked heavily, as if coming out of a trance. She looked up at Deuterium Boy; for a second he feared she would break down, crying. She took a deep breath, seemed to pull herself together, then nodded.

Leslie
I'm all right... Not sure what I just saw... I'm sorry, I wasn't any use to you at all. I've never been in a situation like that before...

Hydrogen Guy
I'd be surprised if you had.

Leslie
No, no, I mean... I've never been in the line of fire before... I've been at a desk, making psych profiles and mission plans for two years... This was my chance to prove myself a real agent, and I - I failed...

Damian
I'm very sorry, but we don't have time to hold your hand over this. If you're an FBI agent, start acting like it.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm afraid I have to agree... Leary, excuse my language, but what the smurf is going on here? Did you kill those people or not?

Damian smiled slightly.

Damian
No, and thank you for taking the time to ask.

Leslie
Then what are you doing here?

Damian
I was meditating when I felt the creature manifest again. I was able to trace it here. Don't worry, I've already called the police... Hydrogen Guy, I'm exactly what I told you I was - a private investigator, psychic medium and a professional paranormalist. I used to work for Amalgo NorthWest's security division, and I had some special teachers who taught me my unusual skills.

Deuterium Boy nodded.

Deuterium Boy
That knife deflection trick was something.

Damian
It's a little outside my usual repertoire. I usually specialise in plant and healing magic, summonings, and containments. But just like being a mundane PI, you need to learn a few defensive and offensive skills to stay alive...

Hydrogen Guy
Like that flying toothpick trick?

Damian
Which is essential to contain the spirit manifesting as "Man Mount'n Munch". Let me expl--

He paused for a moment, cocking his head to listen. He furrowed his brow.

Damian
Do you hear that? A knocking?

The others paused to listen.

Leslie
No.

The others shook their heads.

Damian
Then it's Munch, trying to manifest again... quickly, help me while I explain. We need to move the rug and the furniture so I can draw a circle on the wood floor.

They jumped into action, Leslie still somewhat dazedly, pushing the furnishings around.

Damian
I was hired by Umbrex Millennium, not because of Munch, but because they were worried about magical attacks.

Hydrogen Guy
Are you kidding?

Damian
No. See, another of Umbrex's subsidiaries has been involved in logging in the South American rainforest, in an area where certain trees are held sacred by local aborigines. Some of these tribes have contacts with the American metahuman community, and so Umbrex feared retaliation.

Deuterium Boy
Apparently they got it.

The floor was clear. Damian drew out his charcoal and started drawing a large circle on the floor.

Damian
Actually, their fears were exaggerated, until they actually cut down one of the sacred trees. I believe the creature manifesting as Munch is actually the forest spirit that inhabited the sacred tree.

Something large and heavy hit the bedroom door. Leslie jumped, and the others look alarmed.

Damian
Well, that didn't take him as long as I'd hoped, but we still had enough time to prepare. The protective circles should hold it a while yet...

Hydrogen Guy
Damian, it still doesn't make sense. If this thing is a pissed-off tree spirit, why didn't it stay in its home forest an attack the logging company? Why come all this way and make an indirect attack on another Umbrex subsidiary?

The door continued to rattle. Vehement and exaggerated cursing came from outside.

Damian
I don't know. I haven't been able to find all the answers I want. These kinds of magic are dangerous to get to close to. Even brushing them with good intent can twist you over time...

Leslie
This is all too much for me. You're saying the "Cereal Killer" is actually an insane South American tree spirit taking the physical form of cereal mascot Mount'n Man Munch.

Damian
Essentially.

Leslie
I... this is... this isn't the X-Files!

Hydrogen Guy
Don't worry, Les, no-one's accusing you of being Gillian Anderson.

Damian
You certainly saw it, didn't you? In my business, seeing is believing.

Leslie
How do we stop it?

Deuterium Boy
That's the spirit.

Hydrogen Guy
Ouch.

Damian
That's where the staves come in. The wood bolts I'm able to summon, the spell was taught me by a shaman from the tribe associated with these trees. The wood is the same as that from the sacred trees. In his malevolent form, they're capable of killing the spirit. The only catch is I only have a limited number. And unfortunately, I used up half of what I had left downstairs.

Hydrogen Guy
Oops.

Damian
The three remaining should be enough. I just can't waste anymore shots.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll try and keep it busy, lead it where you need it to be.

Damian
If you want. Just please, this time, when I tell you to back off, do what I say. I know what I'm doing here, and I know the creature better than you do.

Deuterium Boy
No arguments here.

Leslie
Listen... it seems to have given up.

Hydrogen Guy
That's probably a big assumption...

Suddenly, a low rumbling filled the house.

Leslie
Oh! ... Oh, it's just the furnace coming on...

Deuterium Boy
In JULY?!

Damian & Hydrogen Guy
HEATING VENTS!

They scrambled around the room, looking for the vents. Damian found one and hastily drew a charcoal circle around it.

Hydrogen Guy
Is that the only one?

Deuterium Boy
No, there! Under the dresser!

Damian dived for it, but it was too late. A thick, grey ectoplasmic mist was snaking through the vent. Damian stopped just short of the mist and scrambled to his feet.

Damian
Everyone into the circle in the middle of the room! Whatever you do, don't step outside!

They clustered in the four-foot charcoal circle in the centre of the room. The mists condensed and solidified into Mount'n Man Munch, brandishing his axe.

Munch
Tarnation, Damian! You's a slippery pole-cat t'catch up with, ain'tcha?

Hydrogen Guy
What do you want, Munch?

Munch
Nothin' much, Hy'gen Guy. Just BLOOD!!

It swung the axe, which bounced back as soon as it hit the area above the circle as if striking an invisible force-field.

Damian
Nothing he does can harm us, as long as we're all inside the circle.

Damian drew out his shaman's wand and began waving it rhythmically in front of him.

Damian
Your rampage is ending here, demon.

He began to sing in a low, resonant voice, in the language of the shaman. Munch's huge eyes followed the wand, its fingers twitching on the cartoon axe.

Munch slowly lowered the axe. It stood like a zombie, completely under Damian's spell. Damian's voice died away, and he slowed the wand's motion until he was holding it motionless in front of him. He lowered it gradually, and handed it over to Deuterium Boy.

Damian
Hold it steady.

Deuterium Boy nodded. Damian raised his hands, ready to cast the final wood bolts.

Just as he uttered the spell, the ten minutes on the Scan-O-Matic's alarm snooze expired. The air was filled with the high-pitched squeal of electronics in distress. The living occupants of the room all jumped, and Mount'n Man Munch awoke with a grimace. The phantasm threw itself aside as two of Damian's last three wood bolts went wild. Deuterium Boy scrambled to shut the Scan-O-Matic off, finally simply throwing it at Munch, who silenced by cleaving it in two with the axe before vanishing.

Damian swore violently.

Damian
You IDIOT! You might have killed us all, do you realise that?!

Suddenly the dresser lurched forward and slid across the room, propelled by an unseen force straight for the knot of spirit-hunters in the centre of the room. Without time for them to move aside, it collided with them, and then everything started happening at once.

Deuterium Boy took the full force of the collision and was knocked into Hydrogen Guy and backwards out of the circle. DB's head cracked agaisnt the wood floor, and Hydrogen Guy spawled sideways across him. Agent Leslie tried stepping aside, but her ankle was caught by the dresser's leg and she stumbled out of the circle with a cry. Suddenly, Munch had reappeared, standing over her, guffawing like a simpleton. The dresser caught Damian by the shoulder, spinning him half out of the circle. He was the first to recover and barely had time to shout a warning as Munch raised his axe and brought it down with a sickening crunch into the centre of Leslie's chest.

Hydrogen Guy pushd himself off his partner and leaped to his feet as Leslie screamed. Munch raised the bloodied axe again just as Damian fired his last stave. The bolt shot from his palm and sank into Munch's side. Munch howled and swung the axe; it hit Damian's collarbone and cleaved straiught through.

Hydrogen Guy threw himself at the creature before Damian's body hit the ground. He slashed wildly with the Ruler, felt it slicing through ectoplasmic goop. There was a crackling and tearing sound as the Ruler tore through Munch's physical body, and splatters of pale green ectoplasm still tinged by the Ruler's firey blue spattered across the room.

Hydrogen Guy was only vaguely aware of Munch's final tormented cry. Mount'n Man Munch melted away into the background radiation as Hydrogen Guy collapsed onto the bloody floor.

Sid straightened his apron self-consciously and grinned back at Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy. They were sitting at their usual table in the Django Djava and staring up him in mild surprise.

Hydrogen Guy
Sid! What are you doing here?

Sid
Working. My roommate Trish works here, and she said Mr. Barany was looking for a barista, so I came down and he hired me. I was kind of surprised, I don't have any experience, but Mr. Barany said it didn't matter.

Deuterium Boy
Carl has an eye for up-and-coming java serf talent.

Hydrogen Guy
How's the new place?

Sid
Great. Trish is a fun roommate. She promised to give me a piercing.

Hydrogen Guy
What more could you ask for in a roomie, really?

Deuterium Boy
That if he has a lot of body hair, he clean the drains after having a shower.

Sid
So you guys want your usual?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure, thanks.

Sid
Coming right up.

They watched him go.

Hydrogen Guy
Nice kid.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah... ping pong, it had to have been ping pong...

Hydrogen Guy
What?

Deuterium Boy
Nothing, it's nothing...

Hydrogen Guy sighed.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... So, I checked the messages before coming over, there's one from Peterson.

Deuterium Boy
Oh?

Hydrogen Guy
It sounds like the Cereal Killer file is being closed. The official version has Damian Leary as the culprit. I guess it doesn't really matter, now.

Deuterium Boy
Too bad... I know it looked bad for a moment, but he turned out to be the good guy. He deserves better.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... so did Maryanne Leslie. They're still not sure she's gonna pull through.

Deuterium Boy
But HG, is "Mount'n Man Munch" gone? Damian never really explained how he was supposed to use the staves to dispel it for good. How can we know for sure?

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know... The key was supposed to be the sacred wood the staves were made from. The Ruler of Elendil is made of a different sacred wood, I can only hope it was effect. We'll just have to wait and see...

Deuterium Boy
And be satisfied without all the answers.

Hydrogen Guy shrugged.

Hydrogen Guy
Happens like that sometimes.

Sid
Okay, one hot chocolate, light on the phosphates, and one heavy water cherry mocha frappé.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Sid.

Sid
Hey, you look glum. Something the matter?

Hydrogen Guy shook his head.

Hydrogen Guy
Nah, just an unsuccessful case, I guess... Kinda makes me wonder why we're here in this crazy, mixed up universe, why people have to go through all that pain and suffering...

Sid
I don't know... I've thought about it a little, I mean who hasn't, right... I think the answer is out there somewhere. We just have to let go of our desires, and make ourselves simple and kind enough to see it... Sorry, just rambling. Enjoy your drinks!

He moved off to another table where two women had just sat down.

Hydrogen Guy
He should be careful, they nail people to trees for talking like that...

Deuterium Boy
Nah, can't be ping-pong... it has to be cricket.

[fade to black; roll credits]