The Clock of Radishes - Part I

The city was on the west coast, a vibrant net of human energy, a cosmopolitan wonderland straight out of a coffee shop mens magazine. The architecture was a set designers Utopia, filled with neo-classical baroque gargoyles that looked down on the citizens of Maple Ridge and seemed to scream, You have to push the button before the light will change, you idiot.

It was a time bereft of heroes. A time when society appeared to be crumbling like a cookie under the iron-spiked wheels of the Grim Reapers A-1 personal juggernaut of insanity. A time when the leaders didnt lead and the followers were nowhere. The sky just hung over the world like a soggy tissue over a burnt out match, solid to the eye as a senseless metaphor. No one knew what was going on. No one knew what had happened to Hydrogen Guy...

The scene is The Bamboo Reed, a Chinese restaurant-cum-jazz club on Maple Ridge's lower east side. It's renowned for its hot chocolate, cool music and luke warm buffet. Jim Evans, world-renowned theoretical physicist and hack film noir writer, is nursing a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream in a corner booth. A piano-sax quartet plays in the background.

Evans
This is really awful.

Waiter
Something wrong with the hot chocolate, Jimbo?

Evans
Sorry, I was thinking about the script.

He spoons a dollop of whipped cream into his mouth.

Evans
What's new, buddy?

Waiter
Well, other than this lame attempt at a "noir" atmosphere, not much. Certainly not any of the humour anyone might be expecting.

Evans
Yeah, I know what you mean. This whole commenting-on-the-script motif is getting tiresome.

Waiter
Meaningful dialogue would be nice.

Evans
So let's have some. And make it snappy, we're three-quarters down the page already.

Waiter
Standard disclaimer - this probably isn't true, so don't mention my name if anybody comes asking.

Evans impatiently bats at the bizarre, fringe-covered lamp hanging over his booth.

Evans
Sure, sure. You don't even have a name, you're a minor character.

Waiter
The mayor took his Aberdeen terrier in for a wash and style and they gave it a poodle cut by accident. The mayor's plenty mad, and the dog is consider suing for damages.

Evans
Interesting party gossip. Next?

Waiter
The Maple Ridge/Vancouver branch of the League of Heroes - that's local 441 - are starting to ask some serious questions about what happened to Hydrogen Guy.

Evans
I thought Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy were dead.

Waiter
They don't know. They cops say that Opposition Man and the Diatomic Duo did each other in, but ICBC ain't buying it until they see the bodies. The League of Heroes aren't sure.

Evans
But that was six months ago!

Waiter
Yeah, and nobody's seen Hydrogen Guy or Deuterium Boy since. ICBC's still looking, but since the RCMP collared a whole bunch of their agents last month, they aren't looking as hard anymore.

Evans
Interesting.

Waiter
Meanwhile, Princess Madge of Torrado is starting her Canadian tour in Vancouver tomorrow, and she'll be making a stop in Maple Ridge to open up the new Torradan Fresh Fruit and Cultural Centre. It's the first of its kind in Canada and a striking example of multiculturalism in action.

Evans
Oh, those wacky Torradans and their fresh fruit.

Waiter
You been to Torrado, right?

Evans
Yeah, about three years ago. Nice country.

Waiter
Where the hell is it?

Evans
You know the intimate details of the mayor's dog's coiffure and you don't know where Torrado is?

Waiter
Hey, knowing my geography doesn't pay the bills.

Evans
It's a little postage-stamp country on the Iberian peninsula. Right on the Mediterranean, it's about half French, half Spanish. They have the second wealthiest royal family in Europe.

Waiter
Huh. This Princess bird sounds like she's wearing an "abduct me" sign around her neck for super-villains. Anyway, in entertainment news, Pamela Anderson-Lee...

Evans
Thanks buddy, it's been real expository.

He grabs his coat, tosses a twenty on the table and leaves.

Waiter
No problem. [Aside] I just hop he remembers his pants...

The music rises, the band is playing "My Funny Valentine" as the camera pans down to a pair of pants draped across a nearby chair. Next scene: the Maple Ridge apartment of David Marcolin. Jim Evans and David Marcolin are sitting on the couch next to Doug, the rubber skeleton who channels the spirit of an alien Zen master and astrophysicist.

Marcolin
So the League of Heroes is finally going to declare us dead?

Evans
Well, hopefully it won't come to that. It does sound like there might be an investigation, though.

Marcolin
I'm still not convinced that "disappearing" after the Vector of Doom case was a good idea.

Evans
On the contrary, DB, it was necessary. Gaas's death would have made the province too hot for us - ICBC wouldn't take the death of their top mad scientist lying down, and try convincing them it was Opposition Man and not us who killed him. It was better for them to think we were killed, too. The fact that half of Opposition Man's body was missing in addition to our own mangled corpses, and that you were good enough to bleed all over the place, made things look ambiguous enough to admit the possibility that we had rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

Marcolin
ICBC still wasn't convinced, though.

Evans
Of course not. I wouldn't expect them to be. But we stayed one step ahead of them for six months. However, since those arrests based on the information we passed on to Special Agent Parker, things will soon cool off enough for the Protonic Paladin and his perky sidekick to reappear.

Marcolin
Hey! Who said I was your sidekick?! Haven't we always agreed that we're equal partners?

Evans
Of course! It's just, you know, I'm Hydrogen GUY, you're Deuterium BOY...

Marcolin
First of all, I'm two months older than you! Secondly, the only reason you're the GUY and I'm the BOY is that you won the coin toss!

Evans
Heh heh... just trying to get your goat, DB. Don't worry, we won't let the League declare us dead just yet... [pauses, and scowls] I just wish I knew where my pants were...

Marcolin looks at Evans, who is sitting on the couch in a pair of "Triangle and Robert^?" boxer shorts. Marcolin rolls his eyes.

Marcolin
What about the other thing?

Evans
Oh, you mean the Princess?

Marcolin
Yes, the "Princess". So are you going to go see her?

Evans
I, uh, ....

Suddenly, Doug, who has thus far been lying limply on the arm of the couch, sits up straight. He has been possessed!

Doug
THE RADISHES! THE RADISHES!

Evans
Wait! I think Doug is trying to tell us something!

Marcolin
You have a remarkable talent for changing the subject. Doug! Tell us, what is it?

Doug
THE RADISHES! BEWARE THE CLOCK OF RADISHES! WATCH THOU FOR THE CRUSTACEAN! BEWARE! BEWARE!

Doug collapses back into his former limpness.

Evans
He's gone!

Marcolin
Holy Tikdoshe the Zulu dwarf god! "Beware the Clock of Radishes"? "Watch thou for the Crustacean"? What does that mean?

Evans
I don't know, DB. Cryptic warnings like this seem to be our specialty lately.

He stands up and strikes a heroic pose. Or as heroic as possible while not wearing pants.

Evans
.... but I think it's time... for the return of HYDROGEN GUY!

Marcolin
And Deuterium Boy.

Evans
Right, him too.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Torrado... High in a bleak mountain pass, a devilish plan unfolds in the mind of an obscure genius. We're in luck, he is just finishing his pancakes. Let us watch as his twisted assistant brings him foreboding news...

Wayne
Master! Master! I have foreboding news!

Hawking
Ah, Wayne! My twisted assistant! What is this news that is so foreboding?

Wayne
Master! The eclipse is almost upon us! The time has come! Uh huu huu huu

Hawking
Excellent, Wayne, excellent! Now our evil and not-at-all-clichéd plans will come to fruition! To the crypt! The breakfast dishes can wait!

Wayne
Yes, Master! To the crypt!

Hawking rises from the table and they start their way down a long castle corridor, then down a dark winding staircase.

Hawking
Wayne, my faithful servant! Do you know what shocking and Gothic thing we are to do here today?

Wayne
No, Master, but I am tingling in anticipation!

Hawking
As am I, Wayne. It is a pity that our cohorts in ICBC cannot be here to see this triumphant moment. So only you, Wayne, and I, Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking, mastermind behind ICBC's European criminal empire, will witness my forefathers greatest experiment come to life!

Wayne
Oh, Master, tell me more! Uh huu huu huu (hack) huu...

Hawking
My great-great-grandfather, Dr. Erik Von Vorpalstein, was a student of Transylvania's greatest physicians and marine biologists at the Royal University. Using his unorthodox and radical theories, he created -- LIFE!! A superior new creature, an amphibious super-being, to help guide mankind into a new era! But the townsfolk feared my ancestor's creation, and after a few minor accidents leading to some not-entirely-regrettable deaths, they stormed the Academy and destroyed the noble creature!

Wayne
Oh Master, townsfolk are always so ungrateful...

Hawking
Tragically so, Wayne, tragically so! Vowing revenge, he came here, to a relative's secret Castle in the mountains of Torrado, and built a new laboratory. And he began a process to create a new creature, of even greater intelligence and more fearsome strength! But this creature would not be benevolent - this time it would destroy the human race that spurned Von Vorpalstein's genius!!

Wayne
Oooh! The evil! The evil!

Hawking
Yes! But there was a catch: the delicate chemical processes would take over a hundred years to run their course before the creature could emerge. He set up the experiment so it would be ready at the exact moment of the 39th total solar eclipse since the day he left Transylvania that eclipse will occur in just a few minutes and when total darkness falls over us, the greatest monster on Earth will emerge from this crypt.

They come to an ancient door at the far side of the castle. Hawking removes a baroque skeleton key from his pocket, and unlocks the door. The room they enter, the crypt's ante-room, shows signs of having been recently cleaned after ages of neglect. At one side of the narrow ante-room is an enormous iron door, decorated with many hideous and grotesque faces. There is a window in the far wall, which looks out on a sheer drop off the rocky mountain crag.

Hawking
[pointing to the iron door] Ah! we are here, at the crypt! Let us wait.

They wait. Wayne watches the sun from the window. After a few minutes, the sky mysteriously begins to grow dark as the moon moves in front of the sun...

Wayne
Master! The sky is darkening!

Hawking
Yes, Wayne! The eclipse is total, the time is now! Look... the door to the crypt is opening...

Slowly, the mammoth iron door lurches open. A putrid smell of decay rises from inside the crypt, and a strange mist pours through the open door. Very slowly, menacingly, a small red form crawls out of the room...

Wayne
It is a lobster!

It is indeed, a lobster. The lobster looks at Wayne and Hawking, towering over it, with its bug-like eyes.

Hawking
What? This is the unearthly super-monster that took a hundred years to create? A mundane... lobster?!

The lobster glowers. Hawking is shocked. Despite the fact that it lacks anything resembling a face, it is clearly glowering. To make matters worse, it clears its throat, and begins speaking in a smooth, mid-Atlantic accented voice.

Crustacean
You betray your ignorance, monkey. My intelligence is beyond measuring on your pathetic human scales. I am physically stronger than any creature on Earth - my claws can puncture the hardest steel. My genetic code has been perfected by an intricate adiabatic process over ten decades, and I am practically immortal. You may call me... the Crustacean.

Hawking
You can speak. I don't understand how this is possible..

Crustacean
I don't expect you to, you pedestrian chordate. Over ninety percent of life on earth is of the phylum Arthropoda - this is a fact. The time for our ascendancy has come, the age of the corrupt mammals is now past. I am the first of the next race to rule this planet... that I need soft-skinned worms like yourselves to help me is unfortunate.

Hawking regards the Crustacean thoughtfully.

Hawking
But need us you do, my chitonous friend. ICBC has great plans for you.

Crustacean
Your ICBC is of no relevance to me. They may dispose of their plans through the appropriate orifice.

Hawking
You are mine to command, lobster! You will do as I say.

Crustacean
I think not, primitive human...

The Crustacean extends a pair of antenna-like appendages from within his carapace - non-standard equipment on your typical lobster! Cue the Strange Sound Effect. Wayne and Hawking grimace in pain and clutch their heads in their hands. The Sound Effect cuts off, and the pain leaves them. They look around, dazed, as the Crustacean retracts his Strange Appendages...

Crustacean
I also possess a variety of extraordinary mental powers - such as mind control of weak-willed mammals like yourselves! You are now my willing slaves.

Hawking
Of course, Your Excellency.

Wayne
Yes, Crustacean Master! Uh huh huh... huh huh...

Hawking
How may we serve you, Your Excellency?

Crustacean
All will be explained to you in time, but first we must make haste. The Princess Madge will be leaving Torrado for Canada shortly and we three shall be on that plane

Wayne
But Crustacean Master, how did you know?

Crustacean
Like all figures of global importance, I watch CNN. Once we arrive, we shall take her hostage and demand ransom from her father the King. We shall force him to lead us to the Lost Ark of Isaac Newton...

Hawking
What?! But that has been lost for centuries!

Crustacean
No. Newton entrusted it to a Torradan student, who brought it to Torrado. The student's heirs made a gift of the Ark to King Mark the Great, and the secret of its whereabouts has been passed from King to heir ever since. While in Canada, we can recover an artifact lost from the Ark that will help us locate it... I refer, of course, to the Ruler of Elendil, last known to be in the possession of a so-called "superhero" calling himself "Hydrogen Guy".

Wayne & Hawking
HYDROGEN GUY!?

Crustacean
Never fear, human worms, I will easily dispose of him... now come... we must hurry to get aboard that plane, and I have a special project for you, Dr. Hawking...

The Crustacean scuttles past Hawking and Wayne. They follow him, looking confused, but devoutly loyal to their new Master.

Since Canada's earliest days as a nation, there have been times when mortal danger threatened to destroy the peace, freedom, and existence of all that had been built, threats that could not be dealt with by the usual channels of law and order. At these times, individuals with powers or skills far beyond those of mortal men and women have stepped up and acted to defeat these dangers - individuals known as superheroes. For a long time these superheroes existed outside the law, often hunted both by the criminals they opposed and by the official police.

This grey-status officially ended in Canada on July 1st, 1967, with the passage of what is informally known as the Super-Heroes Act. The unique place of these defenders of justice in Canadian society was officially recognized, and as are all things Canadian, regulated, with this constitutional amendment. In the mid-1970's, a group of superheroes (whose names you would no doubt recognize immediately) banded together to form the first branch of the Canadian League of Heroes. The League now has many branches nationwide, and maintains positive relations with its counterparts in the other parts of the globe.

We go now to the League of Heroes, local 441 (Vancouver-Maple Ridge). We find the League's regional steering committee gathered around a horseshoe-shaped conference table in a pure white, windowless, brightly lit windowless room. In attendance are some of British Columbias greatest superheroes: Chuck War, SuperConductor, the Rainbow Warrior, Gen X Man and the Codger.

SuperConductor
All in favour?

Rainbow Warrior, Gen X Man, Chuck War
Aye!

SuperConductor
Opposed?

The Codger
Nay, dammit!

SuperConductor
Motion carried. All right, now on to membership review issues...

All
[moan grumble gripe complain]

SuperConductor
Order, please! First off, we have the inevitable stack of applications for membership to go through.

He pulls a short stack of papers towards him. The area of the table around SuperConductor is quite cluttered with various documents and notebooks, which are conspicuously absent from the places of the other members. SuperConductor remedies this by passing copies of several forms to the others. SuperConductor takes the first form off the stack.

SuperConductor
I've narrowed it down to a brief selection of applications that are worth considering. If you'll each have a look at the copies in front of you...

Rainbow Warrior
[holds up his forms] Are these on recycled paper?

SuperConductor
I have no idea. All right, first off we have "Go Go Lad". Superpowers: Can run at a top speed of 600 km/h...

The Codger
Awferchrissakes, not another one of those....

Chuck War
C'mon, in the 1990's a superhero has to be able to do more than just run really fast...

SuperConductor
...the twist is, hes openly gay.

Rainbow Warrior
Did he send a picture?

Gen X Man
We need to recruit a wider variety of sexual orientation, put him in the maybe pile wait, am I succumbing to the same oppressive tokenism as my parents generation? Oh NOOOO! [collapses on the table]

SuperConductor
"Maybe" it is. Next "Free Enterprise Man" . Defends the capitalist economy from the socialist hordes and crushes misguided Liberals super powers include The Vagueness Field which obscures his actual point of view.

The Codger
Yup! He's in!

Chuck War
Using the NDP's own tricks against them, eh? Nice touch.

Rainbow Warrior
Wait! I protest! History proves that the capitalist system is poisonous to the environment! He's a puppet Tory in Liberal disguise! The system is flawed!! There is no justice!! PROTEST!! PROTEST!!! ACTION NOW!!!

Gen X Man
Can he get me a job more fulfilling than night manager at "Wendy's"? No, wait, he just represents the same ideology of my parents generation, the one responsible for the Cold War and no hope for people under forty AAGH! IM PARALYZED WITH THE FEARS OF MY GENERATION!! ITS UNFAIR!! [collapses on the table]

SuperConductor
...another "Maybe" here's one: "The Philatelist" runs around dressed in body armour and a black cape. Has a very cool car, some neat high-tech equipment... but no superpowers.

Chuck War
Says here he specializes in mail fraud and collaring evil stamp barons, and his high-tech equipment includes a really large magnifying glass and an "electronic tongue".

The Codger
A what? Electronic tongue?

SuperConductor
It can identify fake stamps by licking them and doing a chemical analysis of the gum.

The Codger
Turf 'im.

Gen X Man
No public appeal, he'd look bad on television.

Rainbow Warrior
Stamp collecting is such a Dead White Male hobby. Definitely not.

SuperConductor
Okay, it's in the circular bin. Now, next...

Gen X Man
Hey, can we hurry this up a bit? I have an appointment with my therapist at four, and then me and my ex-girlfriend are going to watch "Friends". Can we just skip ahead, declare Hydrogen Guy dead, and wrap things up?

Chuck War
We're not just going to declare him "dead", we're starting an investigation. The circumstances of his disappearance are pretty murky.

Rainbow Warrior
Oh, who gives a spotted owl? He's just another crypto-fascist rationalist bastard. Let 'im compost with Opposition Man.

The Codger
Blow it out yer renewable resource, pin-head!

Chuck War
Hang on, you guys. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are two of the best. They're the League's marquee players. We owe it to them to get to the bottom of this case.

Gen X Man
But they're so mainstream...

Chuck War
Hey, their TV-Q's are through the roof.

SuperConductor
I agree with Chuck, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are the best we've got - or had, anyway - against the Forces of Evil. But the trail is so cold at this point...

Chuck War
Who's fault is that, SuperConductor? You know I've been in the Mutara Nebula on a GC operation since April, or I would've taken this up immediately.

SuperConductor
Well this is the first time it's come up on the League agenda, and we can't start a League-sponsored investigation without quorum...

The Codger
Poppycock! Bunk and bullpaddies, boy! But pointing fingers won't get us anywhere. What are we going to do now?

SuperConductor
Chuck?

Chuck War
Hydrogen Guy has some connection with the Torradan princess. Her plane arrives at Vancouver International Airport this afternoon. If Hydrogen Guy is alive, somehow he'll find a way to meet that plane.

SuperConductor
What time?

Chuck War
Two fifteen.

SuperConductor nods. He fiddles with a strange-looking ring on his right hand.

SuperConductor
I move that, after we finish these applications, I summon an interdimensional SkyTrain and we go to the Airport. Maybe we'll find the Diatomic Duo. All in favour?

Rainbow Warrior, Chuck War, the Codger
Aye!

SuperConductor
Opposed?

Gen X Man
Nay! I'm getting near a breakthrough with my intimacy issues.

The Codger
Stuff a sock in it, slacker boy.

SuperConductor
Motion carried. Okay, then, next application...

Flight 142 from Torrado, bound for Vancouver International Airport. Princess Madge is a striking young woman with a classical profile, with collar-length brown hair verging on auburn. She is wearing a simple yet elegant pink traveling gown and a pillbox hat, and is seated at a window seat. In the seat beside her is a lobster in a miniature business suit.

Voice-over by the Crustacean
Despite their status as the second wealthiest royal family in Europe, the Torradan royals prefer to keep in touch with the simple folk, and so condescend to fly first class on regular commercial flights. Their significant entourage takes up almost the entire plane by themselves, but it really, is the principle that matters. And this case, that proves to be a fatal weakness...Within just a matter of hours, we have successfully obtained places for ourselves on the Princesss flight. Dr. Hawking has replaced the pilot, and will fly the plane to a secluded landing strip a few kilometers outside Spuzzum, British Columbia. Wayne has been placed amongst the crew. I have assumed the identity of Mr. Jones, a womans shoe salesman from Delta. I discreetly tested my mind-control abilities on the Princess, by willing her to ask for a package of peanuts - the experiment was not a success. I believe she may be more strong-willed than either Wayne or Dr. Hawking. A more powerful attempt will have to be made when there are fewer witnesses, but in the meantime, I shall attempt to ingratiate myself with the princess by the means of lively small talk...

Crustacean
My, there seems to be a lot of cloud cover. I hope we don't hit any air pockets.

Princess
Oh! I wouldn't worry, Mr...?

Crustacean
Jones. I am Mr. Jones. I sell women's shoes in Delta.

Princess
Well, I wouldn't worry, Mr. Jones. Air Torrado has the best trans-Atlantic pilots in Europe

Voice of Hawking
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. If you look to your left, you will see what I suspect is Australia's Great Barrier Reef... we're just a little off course, but I'm sure well find... I mean, arrive in Vancouver shortly.

Princess
Yes. Well, most of them are pretty good. Is this the first time you've flown, Mr. Jones?

Crustacean
Yes. I went over to Torrado by cruise ship. My people come from the sea, you know.

Princess
Ah! [Aside] That must be why he smells like a lobster.

Crustacean
I have been following your career for some time, Princess... your singing career, your fashion career, your lines of perfume... you are very talented. And well loved by your people. Tell me, why do you not have a personal bodyguard on this trip?

Princess
My father won't allow it anymore. I keep sleeping with them.

Crustacean
That is most unfortunate. [Aside] One less human I have to kill...

Stewardess
May I offer you some coffee? Tea? Herbal beverage?

Crustacean
You are not are our regular stewardess! Go and fetch Wanda at once!

Stewardess
[miffed] Yes sir.

Crustacean
[to Princess] I must confess to being smitten with the beautiful and voluptuous Wanda.

Wayne
Yes, sir! How may I help you! Uh huu huu...

Crustacean
Ah, Wanda! How is the flight going? All according to plan, I hope?

Wayne
Oh, very well, Master Crustacean!! Dr. Hawking reports he has found North America! Uh huu huu huu...

Crustacean
Call me Mr. Jones. I sell women's shoes in Delta. Now go, bring us some herbal beverages.

Wayne shuffles down the aisle of the plane.

Princess
Wanda's not really very beautiful and voluptuous, Mr. Jones.

Crustacean
I assure you she is, Princess, once you ignore the hump on her back.

Princess
I was referring to the scraggly beard.

Crustacean
Well, no matter. Now, Princess, tell me, as just some innocent lively small talk, how is Torrado's influence within NATO these days?

Vancouver International Airport. A veritable throng of reporters surround a door marked "Arrivals -- International". A nearby television screen displays flight arrivals - Flight 142 is marked "Delayed - arriving in 5 minutes".

Hydrogen Guy
You know, Deuterium Boy, every time I come here I'm reminded of the very wise things Douglas Adams said about airports.

Deuterium Boy
That they frequently suffer explosions due to angry Norse gods?

Hydrogen Guy
No, the other wise things, about them being ugly and purposely confusing.

He regards the scrum of rabid journalists.

Hydrogen Guy
No way we're going to get anywhere near the Princess this way. Maybe we can get out on the tarmac and take a back door or something...

Deuterium Boy
You don't have to do this, you know.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes we do, DB. It can't be a coincidence that Doug gave us that cryptic warning on the eve of the Princess's arrival. She must be in danger. Come on - I think I see a way around them.

He points to a ventilation pipe. Taking his hint, Deuterium Boy nods. Glancing around to ensure that they are not observed, they stand just underneath the pipe. Their outlines slowly begin to blur, then dissolve entirely, as they transmute themselves into clouds of hydrogen and deuterium gas. The invisible gases purposely diffuse their way into the ventilation pipe, and follow the pipe to its output. They rematerialise outside, on the airport tarmac.

Hydrogen Guy
All there, DB?

Deuterium Boy
I think so, though I think I might be missing a few atoms in my colon...

Hydrogen Guy
A lack of concentration! Of the two of us, I should be the one distracted by my concerns, not you. Well, look there!

A short, mustached man is running across the tarmac towards them.

Hydrogen Guy
Special Agent Mercier, fancy meeting you here.

Mercier
'ydrogen Guy! And Doo-terium Boy! Tabernac, you nearly gave me a cardiac arrest! Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Deuterium Boy
Insert appropriate Mark Twain quote here.

Hydrogen Guy
Had you fooled, did we Mercier? We've been laying low for a while. Only Parker and one other knew for certain we were alive.

Mercier
Parker, eh? I t'ought I sensed your 'and in dose arrests. Sometime maybe you'd like to explain to me what 'appened on dat Water Tower, eh?

Hydrogen Guy
At your convenience. What's the story here?

Mercier
Just doing a last minute sweep of de run-way. Afder de plane lands, de big-wigs will walk out and welcome de Princess to Canada...

He puts his hand to his ear, where a nearly visible wire runs from a plug to a radio receiver concealed in his jacket.

Mercier
Speaking of which, de tower tells me de plane is coming in now. [points] And der it is!

The Torradan air bus is coming in for a landing on a nearby runway. Inexplicably, the plane begins to slow while still several hundred feet in the air. It practically drifts to a stop, seeming to hang in mid-air.

Mercier
What de hell?

Deuterium Boy
I have a bad feeling about this...

Hydrogen Guy
You can say that again, DB...

Suddenly the image of the frozen plane wavers, and then vanishes! It is replaced by a small dirigible, about 12 meters long, and covered in an array of strange Geiger-esque equipment.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, a hologram!

He sprints out towards the run way, Deuterium Boy close behind. Mercier is left lagging behind at normal human speeds. Hydrogen Guy draws the Ruler of Elendil, not sure what to do with it against an enemy hanging a hundred meters in the air. Mercier draws a gun from his jacket, but Hydrogen Guy stays his hand.

Hydrogen Guy
Hold your fire! Let's see what it wants...

The air in front of the craft wavers again, and Hydrogen Guy finds a giant holographic lobster staring down at him.

Deuterium Boy
The Crustacean...

Crustacean Hologram
Very good, Deuterium Boy. I applaud your meager intelligence.

Hydrogen Guy
What have you done with the Princess?!

Crustacean Hologram
You cannot save the Princess now, human. She is safe for now, and thus far does not even realise she has been kidnapped. In fact, I am broadcasting to you now from the plane's washroom so as not to alarm her. But if my demands are not met... [*BANG BANG BANG*]... IT'S OCCUPIED! ... the consequences will be horribly, graphically, mutilatingly unpleasant.

Hydrogen Guy
So, crab, what are your demands?

Crustacean Hologram
I AM NOT A CRAB, I AM A LOBSTER! My demands, you impudent worm with a notochord, are that the King of Torrado reveal to me the secret location of the Lost Ark of Isaac Newton.

Hydrogen Guy & Deuterium Boy
THE LOST ARK OF ISAAC NEWTON?!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Indiana Jones, he could use that Ark to rule the world!

Hydrogen Guy
You'll never get away with this, Crustacean! The King of Torrado will never bow to your demands!

Crustacean Hologram
Then his daughter will die screaming with sharp things in her head. While I have you in discussion, Hydrogen Guy, you have something that I want...

The dirigible activates a focused graviton beam, which locks on to the Ruler of Elendil and pulls it forcefully from Hydrogen Guy's hands!

Hydrogen Guy
HEY!!

The mystical 40-cm ruler disappears into a compartment in the dirigible's control module. Mercier fires two shots at the dirigible, which bounce off an invisible force shield surrounding it.

Mercier
Tabernac, dat blimp is stacked!

Deuterium Boy
No! Not the Ruler of Elendil!

Crustacean Hologram
Yes, your precious Ruler of Elendil! The most powerful artifact in the Western world - next to the Ark, of course. I must leave you now, my Diatomic Dunces, as a line is forming outside the bathroom door. But please accept this parting gift...

The dirigible fires a red ray which engulfs Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and Special Agent Mercier in quick succession - transforming them into small styrofoam dodecahedra!

Crustacean Hologram
Good-bye, Hydrogen Guy! Farewell, Deuterium Boy! The world is now mine!!

The hologram wavers and vanishes. The dirigible begins to come about and drift away.

Chuck War
HYDROGEN GUY!

Chuck War and the rest of the League of Heroes (local 441) steering committee runs toward the scene.

SuperConductor
Great Orient Express, are we too late?

The Codger pulls a Scan-O-Matic^TM from his belt and begins examining the little styrofoam dodecahedra. Chuck War takes aim at the dirigible with his Argon Blast Cannon, but his plasma shots are deflected as effectively as Mercier's bullets. The dirigible continues to drift laconically away.

Gen X Man
Dammit! My generation's too late for everything... good jobs, cheap houses, meaningful popular culture, saving Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy from certain death...

Rainbow Warrior
At least they're using an environmentally friendly mode of transportation...

Is it really TOO LATE? Could this be the genuine end of the Covalent Crusaders? Is Princess Madge and the entire human race doomed by this maniacal lobster? Find out the resolution to this whole messy narrative in the Conclusion of...

The Clock of Radishes
Same Hydrogen time... Same Hydrogen website!