Episode 80

... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

A typical dressing room - dressing table, mirror surrounded by light-bulbs, overstuffed closet, clothes and vases of flowers strewn about. Hydrogen Guy, sans mask, is sitting sideways at the table with a sheaf of papers in his lap. Rob Smith, the fat, balding, middle-aged story editor for "The Files of Hydrogen Guy", is leaning on the edge of the other end of the dresser.

Rob Smith
Okay, Hydrogen Guy, your message sounded pretty urgent. What seems to be the problem?

Hydrogen Guy
Rob, I've been going over the notes for the 80th anniversary episode. And, to be honest, I just don't know.

Rob Smith
What don't you know? What's the problem?

Hydrogen Guy
It's all these reader suggestions that we asked for. I don't know how we're going to fit them all in.

He starts flipping through the papers on his lap.

Hydrogen Guy
More Doug, Mikey the Hydrogen Monkey, a giant yellow rabbit that breathes fire and listens to Metallica... Look, some of them are even asking for cameos...

There is a tap at the door, then it opens.

Maracus
Here's your cocoa, Mr. Evans

Hydrogen Guy
Whipped cream. I asked for whipped cream.

Maracus
Sorry, sir, I'll fix it right away. [exits]

Hydrogen Guy
Anyway, Rob, about all these suggestions --

Rob Smith
HG, don't worry about it. I'm sure the writers will come up with something.

Hydrogen Guy
Rob, just between you, me and the wardrobe, everyone knows these anniversary episodes are just lame-ass filler. I'd never let DB hear me say that, but it's true. But I do them because of the big fat bonus that comes through every twenty ep's.

Rob Smith
Well, HG, I think --

Hydrogen Guy
Lemme finish. Low as the normal anniversary quality is, I'm afraid this one's going to be even worse. I mean, a giant yellow rabbit that listens to Metallica?

Rob Smith
HG, seriously - don't worry about it. I've seen the script, it looks great. It all hangs together, and the readers are going to love it.

Hydrogen Guy
Really?

Rob Smith
Sure. There's "Stuff You Missed", special guest stars, comedy, action, retro musical numbers -- Deuterium Boy even gets injured.

Hydrogen Guy
That doesn't sound too bad... I guess we can give it a shot.

Rob Smith
There you go.

Hydrogen Guy
Rob, if you give me your assurances it'll be all right, I'll go along with it.

Rob Smith
Thanks, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
Now scoot. I need to practice my opening spiel. At least that's the same every time...

Rob Smith
Okay, HG. Call me if you need anything else.

Hydrogen Guy
Will do.

Rob exits. Hydrogen Guy flips through the stack of papers again and pulls out a dog-eared script page.

Hydrogen Guy
Okay... *ahem*, "Hello! I'm Hydrogen Guy, and I'd like to welcome you to my Eightieth Anniversary Special. Wow, can you believe it's been eighty episodes already? It seems like only yesterday that..."

The study of an English country manor. In the background, the walls are lined with books and shelves bearing various quaint ornaments. In the foreground, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, draped in velvet dressing gowns, are sitting in two overstuffed armchairs. A violin is resting casually on Hydrogen Guy's lap, while Deuterium Boy is rather awkwardly holding a cello.

Hydrogen Guy
Hello. Welcome back to my personal favourite anniversary feature, that we like to call "Stuff You Missed". Here we trot out some bits and pieces that were written for your favourite episodes of "The Files", but for one reason or another, didn't make the final cut.

Deuterium Boy
Jim likes these because it means he doesn't have to write something new.

Hydrogen Guy
Now, DB, let's not be cynical about a popular feature.

Deuterium Boy
Who said that these were popular? Did anyone in the Forum ever say, "Boy, I hope we get some more rejected crap this time!"? No, of course not.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, don't you think this hatred of yours for anniversary episodes is getting a little old?

Deuterium Boy
If it is, then so are all of the other stupid running gags you put in these episodes! And, while I'm complaining, just why are we holding these musical instruments?

Hydrogen Guy
It was one of our reader requests.

Deuterium Boy
Really.

Hydrogen Guy
Mm-hm. Several stalwart HG fans wrote in, asking for more senseless violins.

Deuterium Boy
Awww, man...

Hydrogen Guy
It could be worse, they could've asked for gratuitous sax.

Chuck War enters from stage right carrying a saxophone.

Chuck War
Did someone say, "gratuitous sax"?

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Chuck.

Chuck War
Don't mention it. [exits]

Deuterium Boy
Are you done with the vaudeville retread now?

Hydrogen Guy
Son, vaudeville never died, it just went on-line. Wakka wakka.

Deuterium Boy
Get on with the retread!

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay... Our first "clipped gem" comes from way back in Year 1s. When the Crustacean was still somewhere in Ottawa, there was an idea for a story that would explain what he had been up to between his defeat in "The Jewel of Vanier" and his reappearance in "Armageddon With a Side of Fries". It didn't really pan out for various reasons, but it left us with one good scene. That's all the explanation I'll give it, I think.

The Elgin Street Community Centre, Ottawa.

Yves
Hi, is this the super-villain trauma group?

Joan
Oh, are you Yves?

Yves
Yes.

Joan
Linda told me you'd be coming. Come on in, have a seat in the circle! We're just about to get started... I'd like to welcome everyone to "Extraordinary Survivors". We have some new faces in the group today, so let's start with introductions. My name is Joan, I'm the group's facilitator - although sometimes I'll ask other members to facilitate, as they get more comfortable. We call our group "Extraordinary Survivors" because we are not so-called "victims of super-villains". Nobody is a victim here. We are, everyone of us, ordinary people who've survived an extraordinary experience, and we may have some unresolved feelings about that experience. But no matter what happens, we're survivors. You may notice that we're not all alike here, some of us may be of a different species, but that's fine. And we try not to judge each other here, we just want to talk and share our feelings, and become comfortable with life and the world and ourselves after our experiences. That's our philosophy here.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I teach English at the local secondary school, and I have a BA in psychology. And I'm like you, I also had an experience involving a supervillain. When I was a girl, my brother became an acolyte of P’toultru, the Dark Pigeon God, and the High Priest kidnapped me and intended to sacrifice me under the light of the gibbous moon. Obviously I was rescued, but my brother is still in the clutches of that fiendish and ancient cult. And that bothers me a lot, but now I'm learning to redirect my pain into positive experiences, and this group is a valuable resource for doing that.

Now I think it would be a good idea if went around the circle and introduced ourselves. Just tell us whatever you feel like talking about. Bruce, why don't you start.

Bruce
Sure... Well, my name is Bruce. I'm the president and chief stockholder of a major industrial corporation, a position I inherited from my father. I guess you could call me kind of a "playboy millionaire". Um, one night when I was a boy, my parents took me to the theatre to see "Annie". When we were walking home, a man stepped out of the shadows and shot both my parents, dead. Then he just laughed at me, this sick, twisted, maniacal laugh, and disappeared into the night. Since I had no other close relatives, I was raised by my butler Alfred. After my parents were murdered, I became a very dark and brooding child, you know, sitting alone in dark rooms, moping around my parent's grave, exploring the bat-infested caves underneath the manor. But after a while, I started thinking back and remembering the last movie my parents and I saw together - Annie! I thought about that singin' and dancin' moppet, and I started feeling, "By jeepers, the sun really WILL come out tomorrow!" And I think that remembering that last night with them has helped me move past that dark, brooding period. I'm a better and happier person for it.

Joan
That's wonderful, Bruce.

Bruce
That's why I wear this little red skirt and candy-striped knee stockings.

Joan
Yves?

Yves
Okay. Here we go, deep breath... Hi! My name is Yves. I just moved here from Toronto - starting over, I guess you'd say. I'm a performance artist. Well, performance artist / dancer really. I specialise in kinetic installation art. Anyways - up until a couple of weeks ago, I worked at the GAP at Toronto, and my life was just perfect - I had my friends and my work paid the bills and I was jogging everyday - Oh! Then the most horrible thing happened. This, this - supervillain slimeball blew up the store where I worked - I wasn't there at the time, thank God. But three of my absolute best friends in the world were taken from us in the explosion. Oh! And then, this same low-life monster, kidnapped my room-mate right out from under my nose. And the police - my God, they were incompetent! At least that's what I thought until they turned into these zombies out to destroy the Navy Blue Sparrow - oh, it was just too much. I had a nervous breakdown. I spent, like, two days just weeping in my bed. But I was brave! I pulled myself together, moved out here with my sister Chloë, and now I'm working at "Club Monaco". I'm trying to pull it all together, you know, but it's hard.

Bruce
We're here for you, Yves.

Yves
Thank you, Bruce.

Joan
Yes we are, Yves. It's hard when it feels like everything you have is being taken away from you.

Yves
Oh, it's true! It's been so trying. I wept again when I found you can't get CityTV in Ottawa.

Joan
Chris, I think you should go next.

Chris
Must I?

Joan
I think it would be good for you.

Chris
As you say. *Ahem* My name is Chris, and... I am a - I used to be... I used to be a supervillain. I am, as you can no doubt deduce, a lobster. I was created in an experiment by a mad scientist, and given intelligence and strength far beyond that of a normal lobster. I believed that I was a superior being, and I should therefore destroy the human race and people the Earth with my own kind. I...

Joan
Go on, Chris, you're doing fine.

Bruce
We're all behind you, Chris.

Chris
Thank you. I committed some horrible crimes. Eventually I was forced to flee to Ottawa, where my money ran out. My henchmen began to betray me, my creditors harassed me, other evil geniuses stopped returning my calls... I became deeply depressed. I thought of ending it all in some French restaurant. Finally, I started to realise it wasn't I who was evil - it was the supervillain lifestyle! My creator, and my so-called friends, had used me. I'm trying to adjust to normal life now, and make up for the evil things I've done. I don't really want to take over the world, I just want to be valued as an individual.

Joan
Very elegantly put, Chris.

Chris
You really believe so?

Joan
Yes, I do.

She leads the group in a brief round of applause.

Bruce
Way to go, man. Way to go.

Joan
Next?

Steve
Hi, my name is Steve and I was attacked by the gigantic head of Macy Gray...

Deuterium Boy
Ah, yes. Nothing like a RHOD injoke to liven up a scene.

Hydrogen Guy
Isn't there?

Deuterium Boy
I was being sarcastic.

Hydrogen Guy
Of course you were.

Deuterium shifted the cello uncomfortably.

Deuterium Boy
Listen... oof! ... can I get rid of this thing now?

Hydrogen Guy
Sure, pass it over.

Deuterium Boy tipped the neck over towards Hydrogen Guy, who grabbed it and pulled it towards him. An instant later, it was resting comfortably on his lap next to the violin.

Deuterium Boy
Hey, how'd you manage that?

Hydrogen Guy
Manage what?

Deuterium Boy
Fit that thing on your lap like that.

Hydrogen Guy
Don't be silly, DB... there's always room for cello.

Helium Girl
Okay, like, hi everybody! Welcome to my kitchen --

[spokes-model gesture at the cozy kitchen set behind her]

Helium Girl
-- okay, like, it's not really my kitchen, it's just a set. My kitchen is way smaller than this, cause I live in downtown Van and I never ever cook anything, except for today. But, like, welcome anyway! This is my own special feature in this anniversary episode, and I mean it's about time too, the last one was more than a whole freakin' year ago. Anyway. This is something I totally love to do, where we, like, make crafts and fancy meals and just totally do the Martha Stewart thing, except without all the insider trading. And we call this feature, (okay run the title!) ...

Helium Girl
Woo! I just love those new titles! They're so much more hard-core than last time. Right, so this is "Two Super Ladies", and I, naturally, am Super Lady Number One. Last time, Super Lady Number Two was the Magenta Nightingale, but she's got this wedding to go to with her man, not theirs, thank God, so anyway, she was like totally sorry she couldn't make it, but like, a social calendar is a social calendar, right? So I thought, hey, this would be a totally good opportunity for me to get together with some of the other UnitedHeroes Grrls! And so today, and I am so totally totally excited about this, our Super Lady Number Two is Galactic Customs' Philoxia Unpronounceable. Phil, come on out!

Philoxia Unpronounceable walks in from stage left. She's wearing her usual GC coveralls with her hair pulled back in a short ponytail.

Helium Girl
Hi Phil!

Phil
Uh, hi.

Helium Girl
Hugs!

Phil
What?

Helium Girl
I said, hugs!

Phil
Oh. Right. Sure, whatever.

Helium Girl
So, like, Phil, everyone knows you as the engineer and resident ass-kicker at Galactic Customs --

Phil
Thank you.

Helium Girl
-- but today we're gonna totally get girly. Tell everyone why you're here, Phil!

Phil
Because my moronic agent's not as smart as Lorna's or Sandy's, that's why. And if I ever catch up with him --

Helium Girl
Hee hee hee! Phil, you're hilarious! Okay, but seriously, first we're going to make this utterly fab dish from my housekeeper, Cato's Spinach and Blue Cheese Quiche - it's, like, to die -

Phil
I mean it, Terry! You can run, you can hide, but there's nowhere in this solar system that I won't find you!

Helium Girl
And then, and this is gonna be so cool, we're gonna give Phil a make-over!

Phil
And maybe if we're lucky, an asteroid will slam into the studio, killing us all and erasing all traces that this ever happened.

Helium Girl
Phil, you're just like, so wacky the way you play the total hard-ass tomboy. But we all know you've got a soft feminine side. And a little mushy spot for a certain adamantium-skulled ex-Marine, hmmm?

Phil
Helium Girl.

Helium Girl
Yah?

Phil
Do you want me to hit you?

Helium Girl
Um... no?

Phil
No. And I don't want to hit you, either. But if you don't cut the girly-girl Oprah bullshit, there's going to be a Helium Girl-shaped hole in the far wall and you're going to need dental work. Clear?

Helium Girl
Um, yah. [awkward silence] Let's start the quiche, shall we?

Phil
That'll be fine.

They cross over to another counter, laden with various supplies and a mixing bowl.

Helium Girl
Okay so what we need is a couple wedges of blue cheese - I know, it smells kind stinky, but when it's in the quiche it's like totally yummy, about a cup of whipping cream or low-fat cream substitute --

Phil
That's a controlled substance in the Yberjabber system.

Helium Girl
Well, like, the real stuff goes straight to my thighs. And a couple blocks of frozen spinach. Now, like, I know what you're thinking - frozen spinach, yucky! Wouldn't fresh spinach be much better? But you'd need totally like a lot of fresh spinach and it'd take an age to chop it all up, and like seriously with the blue cheese you can't even taste the difference. Okay, so that stuff's all the filling. Then for the crust, you need flour, butter, milk, and a teeny bit of salt. Now --

Helium Girl
WHAT?! WHAT?! I haven't even started cooking yet!

Phil
No! There!

She points across the room, and the camera pans swiftly. A large, smoking hole has been blown in the wall of the kitchen. Through it steps a muscular man in a tight-fitting, futuristic version of a Nazi SS officer's uniform. His attractive head is clean shaven under his hat, and he wears a pink-tinted monocle in his right eye. Behind him follows a seven foot tall yellow rabbit in a Metallica T-shirt. Small puffs of smoke escape its nostrils.

Helium Girl gasps in horror as the man laughs diabolically.

Helium Girl
Franz! No!

Phil
Franz?

Franz
Javol, mein waffle! Es this not a fabulous reunion, ja? Wunderbar!

Phil
What the hell is going on here?

She pulls a threatening-looking blaster from somewhere on her person.

Phil
Who are you? Helium Girl, do you know these freaks?

Helium Girl
No no no...

Franz
Fraulein Unpronounceable, allow me to be introducing meinself! Sie may callen me Reich Said Franz, of the Inter-Dimensional Fifth Reich Luftbagel und Dance Society of Paris, Milan and Casablanca; and this is mein kamarat, Lars.

The rabbit hops in place and breathes fire.

Franz
Ich bin terriblen entschuldigung to be interrupting this completely fabulous session of quiche-maken, but I have come... for der Cream of Destiny!

DRAMATIK MÜSIKEN!!

Phil
Der... the what?

Franz
Come, come, Fraulein! Do not play die dumkopf mit Franz! The yellow box of cream there, ja? Give it to me, and no one shall be hurt.

Phil
You're not even vaguely German, are you?

Helium Girl
He's Swiss.

Franz
ZUT! Enough of this! Give me the Cream, at once! Or I shall use totally drastic measures!

Phil
I don't think so, Heidi.

She gestures with the blaster.

Phil
You and Peter Cottontail there can just hop-along.

Franz' monocle glints evilly.

Franz
Ah, so! This is how it is... we shall see, hm? Lars! The MUSIC!

Helium Girl
NO!

The rabbit pulls a boom-box from behind its back. It hits the eject button, pulls out the Metallica tape, places another inside, and hits play. A vaguely funky beat emanates from the speakers.

Franz
Now, can you resist Reich Said Franz, Fraulein?

He begins to dance, swaying his hips suggestively. He unbuttons his uniform jacket and pulls it off, to reveal a beautiful, muscular physique. Phil's jaw drops open.

Franz
Ooh, I'm too Nazi for my Reich, too Nazi for my Reich, Reich's going to rule you...

A disco-heavy piano line joins the beat. The rabbit, it should be noted, is looking increasingly annoyed.

Franz
[singing] I'm too Nazi for my boots, too Nazi for my boots,
Don't move or I'll shoot
And I'm, too Nazi for my rabbit, too Nazi for my rabbit
Yeah baby, don't grab it...

As he dances around the kitchen, Phil appears mesmerised. Slowly she lowers her blaster.

Helium Girl
No, Phil! Fight it! You have to fight it!

Phil
Mmmm...

Franz
[singing] Oh, I'm a fascist, you know what I mean,
And I do my little job for the Führer
Yeah, for the Führer, for the Führer, ooh!
I shake my little tush for the Führer!

Phil
Oh... that tush...

Helium Girl
PHILOXIA!

Franz dances closer and closer. Phil is completely enthralled by his rippling pectorals and wiggling derriere while Helium Girl looks on helplessly.

Franz
[singing]I'm too Nazi for my, too Nazi for my, too Nazi for my
Oh, I'm, too Nazi for George Bush, too Nazi for George Bush
Poor Bushie, poor Bushie boy
And I'm, too Nazi for this Cream, too Nazi for this Cream
Oh fraulein, don't scream...

He grabs the carton of cream from the counter. Phil nearly faints as he brushes her shoulder.

Franz
[singing] And I'm, too Nazi for this song!

The music stops abruptly. Franz dashes back to the hole.

Rabbit
Dude, that sucked, harsh.

Franz
Aufwedersehen, Fraulein! Und dear, dear Yolanda! May we meet again! Ha ha ha!

They disappear back through the hole. Phil is staring around in a sort of stunned daze.

Phil
Wha... what happened?

Helium Girl
Oh, Phil! They got the cream, dammit! He used his Sexy Nazi Dance to hypnotise you!

Phil
What? Damn! Helium Girl, why didn't you stop him? Were you hypnotized, too?

Helium Girl
Ew! Like, no way!

Phil
Then what? And why did he seem to know you?

Helium Girl
Oh, PHIL!

She threw herself at Phil, crying and sobbing. Phil stood stiffly, then awkwardly pats her shoulder.

Phil
Uh... Helium Girl?

Helium Girl
Phil, you don't understand! Like, nobody would understand! I saw the Cream of Destiny at this funky Chinese grocery store with this weird old shopkeeper, who told me it would make really good quiche! And now Franz and his evil scumbag friends have it and they'll conquer the Universe and it's all like totally my fault! WAAH!

Phil
But, Helium Girl. Who is Franz?

Helium Girl
He's... he's... my TWIN BROTHER!

ÜBER-DRAMATIK MÜSIKEN!!

Phil
That's it. I'm never being a special guest star again. It's just too retarded.

Somewhere in the dream lands, lies the cloud-borne Island of Lost Weekends - a popular holiday and picnic spot for residents of the somnulent country. We find Deuterium Boy and his fair lady Avalia sharing beer and sandwiches on a grassy knoll. Overhead, languid shoals of cerulean goldfish swim through the air. Avalia, having the day off from the forbidding Club Kodor, is in her casual clothes, which in her case means dressing as Marie Antoinette.

Deuterium Boy
I mean, what's wrong with jeans and a T-shirt?

She arches a perfectly shaped eyebrow at him while sipping her beer (a chilled stein of Shoggoth's Olde Peculiar).

Avalia
David... remember, I was a drag queen in the waking world. Old habits are hard to break. Besides...

She put down her beer and squeezed her ample décolletage together.

Avalia
... are you really suggesting that you'll pass on this?

Deuterium Boy
Nuh-uh, no ma'am.

Avalia
I thought not. Pass me the Nutella, would you, sweet cheeks?

Deuterium Boy
Err... I can't seem to find it.

Avalia
It's probably back in the sedan. I'll be right back.

She got up and bustled down the hill. Just then, Deuterium Boy was startled to hear a genteel cough behind him. Turning around, he noticed was a knight in armour made of houndstooth wrapping paper standing beside the picnic cloth. His mount, a swift two-footed zootlehopper, grazed behind him. The second thing he noticed was Doug - alien astrophysicist and Zen master who was channeled by a rubber skeleton - hanging in mid-air just to the left of the kinight's head.

Deuterium Boy
Hullo! What's all this?

The knight struck a match and lit the oil lamp he was carrying.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Ho, Deuterium Boy! Pray forgive me, but I have come here at Master Doug's command. Up, up, my lad! We have much to do, and the night is short!

Deuterium Boy
Doug? What's going on, who is this guy?

Doug
*gurgle*

Zwm Ap Rhys
I am Zwm Ap Rhys, a wandering knight of the Kingdom of Britain.

Deuterium Boy
That name sounds familiar... hey, be careful with that lamp, will you? You're likely to set your armour on fire.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Nay, for I have salved it in Thursday. My dear Deuterium Boy, we must set out at once and undertake a Quest, a Quest of nameless juniper crickets singing psalms by the light of dawn. Come at once!

Deuterium Boy
You're drunk. No, wait, you're absurd.

Doug
ARE YOU DREAMING ZWM AP RHYS, OR IS ZWM AP RHYS DREAMING YOU? HURRY, DEUTERIUM BOY! THE WAY IS BECKONING!

Deuterium Boy
Wait, I remember who you are! You're that knight from that weird article that Hydrogen Guy was given last year -- the guy who had an early version of the Ruler of Elendil!

Zwm Ap Rhys
Am I?

Deuterium Boy
Haven't you been dead for about 1500 years?

Zwm Ap Rhys
First I'm drunk, then absurd, then a dream, now I'm dead! Deuterium Boy, have Faith, man! Do your eyes lie to you? You, who have travelled the shadows of the waking world in the pursuit of justice, and the dreamlands in search of the fair Avalia? I am here, and once again I urge you, come up! There is much to be done!

Deuterium Boy
Okay, okay, I'll humour you for now. What is this Quest you're so worked up about?

Zwm Ap Rhys
The Quest for the Cream of Destiny, lately absconded from the virtuous Helium Girl by her nefandulous brother.

Deuterium Boy
Cream of Destiny? Helium Girl's brother? What are you talking about?

Zwm Ap Rhys
I cannot say. But we'll know it when we find it!

Deuterium Boy
Uh huh. Have fun, Zwm. See ya.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Wait, Deuterium Boy! Don't let the strangeness of the task daunt you! Again I say, have faith! I cannot explain it, but you must accompany me!

Deuterium Boy
I can't hear you, I'm drinking.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Do it for Queen and Country!

Deuterium Boy
No.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Then for the Greater Glory of God!

Deuterium Boy
No, sorry.

Zwm Ap Rhys
Then do it for the sake of your hat, man!

Deuterium Boy
I don't wear a hat!

Zwm Ap Rhys
Then what do you hang on your hatstand?

Doug
THIS IS HIS SECRET TREASURE.

Deuterium Boy
Are you two still here?!

Zwm Ap Rhys
Think of the incomparable treasures we shall encounter on the way! Think of the glory in beholding the thing of greatest thingness! It is said that he who looks upon it will know the true nature of --

Deuterium Boy
Look, I don't care about the Cream of Destiny! I've had it with wacky quests for stupid all-powerful artefacts. Now piss off and let us get on with our picnic, will you?

Zwm Ap Rhys
Alas, noble Deuterium Boy! Alack, fair Avalia! Master Doug, we are undone! He was our only hope.

Doug
NO. THERE IS ANOTHER...

Deuterium Boy
Good. Go bother him, then.

Zwm Ap Rhys
As you wish. Away!

He plucked Doug from midair and slings him over his shoulder, then lept astride the green zootlehopper. With a mighty "Heigh ho!" he spurred it into action. Avalia returned with the Nutella just as Zwm Ap Rhys and Doug rode out of sight.

Avalia
Hm. Nice zootlewurdle.

Deuterium Boy
It's not a 'wurdle, it's a 'hopper, baby.

Avalia
Nice zootlehopper, then.

Suddenly there was a loud splash from overhead, and a rather large goldfish dropped from the sky and into Avalia's cleavage. She squealed in surprise, pulled the struggling fish out of her dress, and disgustedly tossed it aside. It flapped on its back on the ground for a few seconds before righting itself and swimming away back into the air.

Deuterium Boy
You all right?

Avalia
Sure, just startled... that happens from time to time, the goldfish suddenly realise that they're not supposed to fly, and then they fall. But fish have such non-existent short-term memories, they soon forget again.

Deuterium Boy
Weird. What's it mean?

She shrugged and took a bite of her sandwich.

Avalia
Probably means a scene change.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, what the hell is going on here?

Hydrogen Guy, story editor Rob Smith, and several other TFoHG staff members are sitting around a conference table. Hydrogen Guy looks angry, Rob looks distraught, and the others uncomfortable.

Hydrogen Guy
Since when does Helium Girl have a twin brother?!! Who's a disco Nazi-wannabe with an interdimensional dance troupe?!

Rob Smith
Uh... well, according to the script, Yolanda and Franz St. Claire are fraternal twins born in Geneva to a French mother and a German father. Franz was a troubled youth who left home at fifteen, and Yolanda soon lost touch --

Hydrogen Guy
ROB! Helium Girl isn't SWISS! She grew up in California! It says so in the Writer's Guide! And she's an ONLY CHILD!

Writer #1
This never would have happened if Lionel were still here...

Writer #2
Lionel?

Writer #3
[whispering] He used to be continuity editor. He had a nervous breakdown during "The Golden Claw".

Writer #2
[whisp.] Oh. Thanks.

Rob Smith
HG, I'll admit, it's a bit of a continuity crisis. But the writers here are working on resolving it around the clock. Right, fellas?

Writer #1
Oh, sure!

Writer #2
You betcha.

Writer #3
"Do Not Remove" hasn't updated in a long time, anyway.

Writer #2
"Avalon", too.

Writer #1
Right, and I'm almost through"Mario Sunshine".

Writer #2
Don't worry, HG, it's our third or fourth top priority. Guaranteed, we'll have continuity patched up by December at the latest.

Hydrogen Guy pounds his fist on the table. The others jump.

Hydrogen Guy
Dammit, gentlemen! For once, this problem isn't going to be solved by slacking off and hoping the readers won't notice! The honour and integrity of the Files is at stake here. We're already losing face in front of the other UnitedHeroes serials. I was in the men's room not five minutes ago, and caught Eldridge Compost writing something obscene about us in Swahili in one of the stalls.

Rob Smith
I know, HG, I know. We have to do something to fix the continuity, but what?

Writer #1
Deuterium Boy's already said he didn't want any part in it.

Hydrogen Guy
Nor should he... Gentlemen, we can only seal the continuity rift by recovering the Cream of Destiny. And since the villain is out of continuity, then what we need is a hero from out of continuity.

He gestures significantly, and a door at the other end of the room opens. Chuck War walks in dressed in a full hazardous-materials protective gear, and leading a small monkey dressed in a Hydrogen Guy outfit.

Hydrogen Guy
Mikey the Hydrogen Monkey -- we need your help.

Mikey
EEEP! EEEP! EEEP! EEEEP!

A parade grounds, at some undisclosed location. Ranks of hip and sassily outfitted soldiers are marching in formation as Reich Said Franz, Lars the Yellow Rabbit, and a third shadowy figure watch from a observer's box.

Franz
Ah, Lars... Es schön, ja? Our legions, dressed for success for their funky victory!

Shadowy Figure
Yes. Soon all of our plans will be complete. I have forseen it.

Franz
Funken über alles, ja! Ich denke mich singe!

[Cue funky music.]

Lars
Aw, kripes, not again...

Franz
[singing] Ooh
Yeah
Surrender me your will
Victory
Supremacy
Don't happen standing still
The one and only reason
Is world conquest
I said heil, soldier -

Shadowy Figure
Heil, soldier

Franz
The Fürher's way is best...

Don't talk, just march
We're the one master race
Don't talk, just march
Let the drum set the pace
Yeah, set the pace...

Down below, the phacist phalanx has begun a mass-funkified dance routine.

Franz
Ooh
Yeah
There's schweinhund, there's us
You and I
Both apply
To segregate the bus
The one and only reason
Is world conquest
I said, heil soldier -

Shadowy Figure
Heil, soldier

Franz
The honky's way is best

Don't talk, just march
We're the one master race
Don't talk, just march
Let the drum set the pace
Yeah, set the pace...

Franz
Hunh
Hah
We're wasting precious time
France is next
And we're gonna make it mine
The one and only reason
Is world conquest
I said heil, soldier -

Shadow Figure
Heil, soldier

Franz
We'll subjugate the West

Don't talk, just march
We're the one master race
Don't talk, just march
Let the drum set the pace
Yeah, set the pace...
Let's conquer Belgium
Ooh, what d'ya say?
Let's conquer Belgium
Ooh, what d'ya say? ...[/singing]

Lars
Uh... hey, dude, I don't mean to interrupt the discolicious fun, but what's that blue thing up there on the flagpole?

Franz
Was is das?

Lars
Hey, it's falling! Look out!

Mikey
GEEEE! GEEEEEEE! EEP EEP EEP!

Franz
NEIN!! AAAGH!

The simian ball of hormones flies through the air, lands directly on Franz' head, and starts humping vigourously.

Franz
AAAGH! GETIMOFFGETIMOFFGETIMOFF!!!!

Mikey
EEP EEP EEP unh unh unh unh...

Lars
Dude, that is totally uncalled for...

Shadowy Figure
Lars! Destroy him!

Hydrogen Guy
Not so fast, continuity-busting creeps!

Lars & Shadowy Figure
HYDROGEN GUY!

Hydrogen Guy
Yes! And I've taken the liberty, gentlemen, of liberating the Cream of Destiny from your refridgerator.

Mikey
OOK unh OOK unh OOK EEEEEP!

Franz
AAAGH!

Shadowy Figure
Lars! Destroy them both!

Hydrogen Guy
Not so fast, Lars, there's someone I want you to meet!

~Steve-o
Hi.

Hydrogen Guy
Lars, meet ~Steve-o. He's the one who request a giant yellow fire-breathing rabbit who listens to Metallica for the anniversary episode.

Lars
Huh?

~Steve-o
Yeah. And you know, now that I've read it, I think it's actually kind of lame. So you can, you know, forget about it.

Lars
Wait, no, you can't --

The rabbit vanishes in a puff of logic.

Shadowy Figure
Curses! But never mind, Hydrogen Guy! My fashionably dressed legions of Evil --

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, they're gone. I had the rumour spread amoung the extras that they were going to have to pay for their own lunch, and they split. Sorry about that.

Shadowy Figure
NO! You can't beat me this way! You're breaking continuity! IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!!

Hydrogen Guy
And that's exactly what you fear the most, isn't it -- LIONEL?!

VERY DRAMATIC MUSIC!!

He yanks the Shadowy Figure out of the shadows to reveal that it is, in fact, TFoHG's former continuity editor Lionel Bernadelli, a very muscular man in a medieval executioner's hood and bondage gear.

~Steve-o
Whoa. Coolies.

Lionel
Damn you, Hydrogen Guy, and all your maggot writers! I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you and that damned monkey!

Mikey is now lying back on the floor of the box, smoking a cigarette. Franz is whimpering and twitching pathetically next to him.

Hydrogen Guy
Look, Lionel... I know you had a difficult job. The HG-universe is so large, with so many disparate and half-serious elements, it makes maintaining continuity a real bitch. Especially now with the other UH series. But there's no need to turn into a crazed, continuity-breaking villain...

Lionel
Magnetron... I still don't know, where does Magnetron fit into it all? It's all so... so...

Hydrogen Guy
I know, I know. Lionel, please come back to the Files. You can sit down and have a nice cup of tea with DL and the others, we'll let you sit in on the Galactic Customs storyboard meetings...

~Steve-o
Sure. Hey, we can even ask JR to give you a cameo as one of Annie's customers.

Lionel
*sniff* Really?

Hydrogen Guy
You bet. And of course, it goes without saying that all the writers will get quadruple beatings for the first month.

Lionel
O-okay. *sniff* I love you guys!

He grabs Hydrogen Guy and ~Steve-o and envelops them in a crushing bear hug as he cries (sobbing) with joy.

Hydrogen Guy
There there, Lionel... ack... air... blacking out...

~Steve-o
Lionel, that better be the monkey humping my leg.

An empty television studio. A lit white backdrop is surrounded on three sides by abandoned cameras, microphones, cables, etc. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are sitting in a pair of director's chairs; HG is sipping tea from a "Man-Man" mug while Deuterium Boy is holding a can of Shoggoth's Olde Peculiar.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, DB, all's well that ends well, what? Lionel's back in the fold, we fit in all the reader requests, got some quality re-tread material out the door, and even managed a few musical numbers and a bit of plot. And now here we are at the end.

Deuterium Boy
Congratulations, HG.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, DB. That's very gracious of you. I was sure you would give me one of your withering, long-suffering looks and tell me that was the lamest anniversary special ever.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, well it was. But it got Avalia into that busty French dress, so I'm willing to let it slide.

Hydrogen Guy
That's very gracious of you.

Deuterium Boy sips his beer thoughtfully.

Deuterium Boy
HG...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, DB?

Deuterium Boy
I'm almost afraid to mention it... but Rob said I was going to be injured this episode. And you also forgot to include the Mikey and Crack Monkey from Galactic Customs team-up.

Hydrogen Guy
Yes. Well, see DB, the plan was that at the end of the episode, we'd be chatting like this, and then Crack Monkey would run in and start beating you with a folding chair while Mikey humps your leg...

Deuterium Boy
That's what I thought. But your shenanigans with Lionel and Frans gave me an idea.

Hydrogen Guy
What?

Deuterium Boy
ROLL CREDITS!!

[fade to black, roll credits]

Hydrogen Guy
That's cheating.

Deuterium Boy
So sue me.

Hydrogen Guy
Still won't help you either.

EEP EEP EEP OOK OOK AHCK AAAHG! *WHAM WHAM* OOK OOK OOK